332 - The Ides of Milk

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This week's show features...

• Would You Rather: EXTREME
• Jake's Top 5 List
• Thyler's Top 5 List

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:01

Do you think do you think that there's birds with Down syndrome?

SPEAKER_02 0:09

I don't think that, but I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 0:12

What would a like what would a Down syndrome chicken look like?

SPEAKER_02 0:17

Probably about the same.

SPEAKER_04 0:19

I guess they I guess it's like a mum a m monkeys with Down syndrome. That is where the money is. There's tigers. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 0:29

So I think it has to have eyes on the front of its head, maybe, for them to be spread out. You know, like a chicken's eyes going down syndrome, it doesn't change to us.

SPEAKER_04 0:40

They're on the back of their fucking head, dude.

SPEAKER_02 0:42

Yeah. Like it doesn't, it's not the same.

SPEAKER_04 0:45

I told someone the other day that I have eyes on the back of my balls and they were high. So they laughed about it for like five minutes.

SPEAKER_01 0:53

That's pretty good.

SPEAKER_04 0:54

Well, I mean, it it's nonsensical, but when you just combine a thing that exists with a naughty thing, yeah, you just put in genitalia instead.

SPEAKER_02 1:03

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Cool.

SPEAKER_04 1:05

I like I it was fun for me because I was like, this is like fucking fish in a barrel, dude. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:11

I mean, when you think about it, it's like it sucks that you were a lizard. Like that that or you were uh like when you look at an animal that's lesser evolved, you're like, it sucks that you're that, but at least you can't get down syndrome.

SPEAKER_04 1:24

Right. You may be a stupid fucking bird, right? But at least well, I mean, here's the thing down syndrome from a non-down syndrome haver perspective. Kind of lame, right?

SPEAKER_02 1:39

Well, it seems like it.

SPEAKER_04 1:40

But as a Down syndrome person, yeah, everything fucking rules.

SPEAKER_02 1:45

Right, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:46

There's no sadness. It's everything's awesome. But anyway, I guess we'll do a stupid show. Sure. The following film is a production of the Fort Mith University Chip Chip and your department.

SPEAKER_02 1:58

Thank you for listening.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Where wealth minds can find sleep, Farthmid University. Jonah Hill is super bad at podcasting, Farthmid University.

SPEAKER_04 2:14

Yeah. I will fucking annihilate you, dude. If you fucking call me fat, one more time, Jake. I'll lay on my back and I'll make you get on top of me. And after we come, I will kill you. I'll kill you, dude. Don't get in my guard, bro. You get in my guard? I'm telling you what the fucking now, dude. I'm a purple belt, okay? You don't understand what that means. I'm basically a black belt, but like six or seven years removed, and I will fucking kill you, dude. Obliterated. Yep. That'll be you. Your neck will be so choked, and you will come so.

SPEAKER_02 2:56

Yeah, David Carradine style.

SPEAKER_04 2:58

Yeah. I'll do it.

unknown 3:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 3:01

Keep talking shit, bastard. You're wearing steel toe shoes, I'll break your ankle. I'll smash your little tootsies right inside of there. Get me, dude. You're wearing socks, dude. Yeah. I'll fucking choke you with those socks. I'll tie them together and choke you with them. It'll smell bad too. I'll fucking come in your sock and make it all crusty and I'll stuff it. I'll stuff it in your mouth, dude.

SPEAKER_02 3:26

Mandible claw.

SPEAKER_04 3:27

Fucking annihilate you. What a cringe goober. What a cringe goober that fella is.

SPEAKER_02 3:37

I forgot we were talking about Jonah Hill, to be honest. I forgot that's where it started.

SPEAKER_04 3:41

Dude, I fucking wish Jonah Hill was a sock.

SPEAKER_02 3:45

Jonah Hill as Mankind. That's pretty funny.

SPEAKER_04 3:48

I guess if I could come inside of him is the implication that I just accidentally created.

SPEAKER_02 3:54

Oh man. I think you probably could come inside Jonah Hill if you wanted to.

SPEAKER_04 3:59

Well, I mean, the thing is like Against his will, of course. I'm better at jujitsu than him. So it's like, who are you gonna annihilate, dude? Because I'll beat you up, you goofball.

SPEAKER_02 4:09

I'll knock you up, bitch. I'll give you a noogie from fucking mount, bro. You think I forgot I forgot you were in that movie? I'll knock you up. Mother's milk, you dude.

SPEAKER_04 4:19

I'll shoot a money ball right in your fucking face, dude. Who do you think you are? Oh yeah. You silly goose. Yep. Anyway. Welcome everyone to Farmouth Podcast, a show whose host has been to New Jersey. New Jersey. If that's the new Jersey, old Jersey must have freaking sucked. What the hell? This is the improved version? There's fucking WAPS everywhere.

SPEAKER_01 4:58

This is 2.0.0? Are you kidding me?

SPEAKER_04 5:02

It's time to start over. New New Jersey. Zero Italians. Yeah. And and you can pump your own gas. Because you're not allowed to do that there. And I think that's pretty gay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:19

I should have said 2.1.1. I'm an idiot. Whatever, dude. That's the second version of the program, you know. Right. But I was like, zeros less than one, real quick in my brain. I was like, is it zero or is it one? Fuck it. We're going with one of them.

SPEAKER_04 5:35

I mean, there's a lot of revisions that had to happen. Are British people worse than Oh, bro, we're going to get into that later. Alright, cool. Yeah. I like that we're going to get into that later.

SPEAKER_00 5:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 5:47

Every week we do a few rotating segments and make each other laugh. I'm Tyler. I'm Jake. And we're going to get right on into our first segment, even though it's been like three fucking weeks. Yeah. It makes the continuity a little difficult to grasp your head around. And I know a lot of the people listening to this show aren't exactly the most, you know, fucking. Would you rather intellectual punch? Was where I was going with that sentence before I got sidetracked.

SPEAKER_02 6:20

That had the energy of the Bo Burnham joke where he says there's two kinds of people people that finish lists.

SPEAKER_04 6:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:26

It had that vibe.

SPEAKER_04 6:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:28

Until you finished it.

SPEAKER_04 6:29

I wasn't trying to jack his swagger.

SPEAKER_02 6:31

No, until you finished it, but then you finished it. You think there's making it an original joke.

SPEAKER_04 6:36

Do you think there's a guy out there named Jack Swagger? There's gotta be, right?

SPEAKER_02 6:42

There's like four porn stars named that, probably. Oh right. At least two of them are black. A stage name. Yeah, dude. There's there's that's like the male stripper equivalent of candy.

SPEAKER_04 6:55

Do you think that they call it a bed name? Because they don't perform on a stage.

SPEAKER_02 7:03

My sheets name.

SPEAKER_04 7:05

My name is uh John Walters, but my bed name is Jack Swagger. Jack Swagger.

SPEAKER_05 7:14

They call me John Walters in the streets and Jack Swagger in the Sheets. Yeah. And I suck women up real good.

SPEAKER_04 7:23

Would you rather? Yeah. From the previous weeks before, I had to go back and listen to the episode to find out what the topic was. And I I I heard a lot of funny stuff. We gotta listen. I listened back and I was like, man, there was a lot of funny things said on this episode. I can't believe more people don't hear this. Uh, but your topic was dog dicks. Yes. That was your topic from weeks ago. Oh my god. And you uh posited a situation where I had to make culinary decisions about dog penises. Uh-huh. Um, and I was very scared about the proposition of having to physically harm animals. And you said, no, dude, these are magical dicks.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:06

I was like, well, in that case. But you said no, no. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I wasn't allowed to make it a a delicious Gordon Ramsey level. I wasn't I wasn't able to put any Michelin stars on those dicks, unfortunately. Uh so dog dicks. My would you rather that is based around dog dicks. Sure. Would you rather, Jake? Uh-huh. Go to the local animal shelter and blow every dog on their roster.

SPEAKER_02 8:38

Mostly pit bulls around here for some reason.

SPEAKER_04 8:41

For sure, yeah. If it's uh on the south side, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Uh a lot of pit bull cock you gotta suck off. Or cut your dog's dick off with a dull rusty knife while making eye contact the entire time.

SPEAKER_02 8:57

Oh man, that's tough. Good one, dude. Yeah. I would hate to cut little Beano's wiener off. Beanie Weenie. He already got his balls taken out. Yeah. Like, that's the last bastion of manhood that little dude has. A little salt in the womb, dude. That's yeah. Uh that'd be rough.

SPEAKER_04 9:17

You think whales ever get salt in the womb?

SPEAKER_02 9:23

I don't know. Probably in the blowhole.

SPEAKER_04 9:25

It's weird. Like, sex underwater has always freaked me out because it's like it is weird. Am I not forcefully shoving fucking chlorine into your pussy right now when we're fucking in a pool?

SPEAKER_02 9:37

Right.

SPEAKER_04 9:38

Like, I I feel like you can't get pregnant underwater, right?

SPEAKER_02 9:42

They say it's more difficult because of all the chemicals. Yeah, I've heard that before.

SPEAKER_04 9:46

Surely chlorine kills sperm.

SPEAKER_02 9:49

Yeah. Surely it has to, yeah. Sperm can't survive in a pool. It can barely survive, like and the and the the water's a different temperature. Like, it's not your body temperature, so it's gonna die one way or the other.

SPEAKER_04 10:02

Some frigid cum, dude. Yep. Anyway, frozen cum.

SPEAKER_02 10:06

It's gonna get really coagulated really fast in a pool. Yeah. Uh fucking annoying. Well, here's the thing, man. I I would much okay. The question is, am I gonna bring more pleasure into the world, or am I going to detract from the world's pleasure by bringing my dog pain?

SPEAKER_04 10:27

Sure. Yeah, both of these scenarios bring nothing but torment to you.

SPEAKER_02 10:32

Right. So I think with that in mind, I'm gonna have to blow a bunch of fucking dogs. Right. Well, either way, I'm doing something pretty fucking wild. So at least blowing all the dogs, like, so here's the thing. Is it like, is this a magical scenario where no one's gonna stop me? Or do I have to find a way to to fucking infiltrate the uh the shelter like I'm fucking solid snake?

SPEAKER_04 11:02

I'm just picturing you like one of those fucking old timey burglars, cat burglars with the fucking, you got the the the mask that's just like the Zorro mask. Yeah. And like a black and white striped shirt, sure. And like the mime pants, and like a fucking a big old sack on your back, and you're like tiptoeing into the fucking, I'm here to suck all your cucks, Doggy.

SPEAKER_01 11:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:28

That sack would be full of treats because you gotta keep them chill.

SPEAKER_02 11:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:32

No, my peanut butter. I think we're we're talking broad daylight during business hours. You just strut in and you're like, I'm here to do a job, and they're like, I know we hired you. Yeah, we've got a we got a an aggression problem. We need you to uh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:50

Yeah, that's that's I'll I'll pick that. Yeah. I mean, they're all in on it. No one's gonna try to stop me. It's not like I have to sneak in there. I don't have to hide underneath a cardboard box that was for dog food, you know?

SPEAKER_04 12:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:03

Like in this scenario.

SPEAKER_04 12:04

Yeah, like in uh Metal Gear Solid 5, I think. Yeah, the cardboard box thing. So um it's all of them, yeah. Oh, that was in all of them, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:12

From from definitely Metal Gear Solid on PS1. Gotcha. There's three boxes, and fun fact, there's three boxes because there's three different points where there's trucks, and you get into a truck with a different cardboard box, and then you wait, and after like 30 seconds, a guard comes over and he's like, All right, let's take the next shipment. And then you get that's how you fast travel. Oh early version of fast traveling.

SPEAKER_04 12:40

That's interesting, pretty sick. Uh, I also have a video game related reference in this realm. So um, speaking of realms, the realm of uh Gillinor.

SPEAKER_02 12:54

I like how all of my games, except Pokemon, is like real places, at least, you know, like in Metal Gear Solid, you're in Alaska, you know? Like yours is like some far-off fucking thing, you know.

SPEAKER_04 13:08

Well, it's just England. Very funny. It's just England, but you know, an alternate reality. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. Yeah, I get it. Well, so there's a quest that came out uh earlier this year called The Ides of Milk.

SPEAKER_02 13:24

That's as gay as blowing a bunch of dogs, bro.

SPEAKER_04 13:27

It gets worse. The Ides of Milk is a quest that came out.

SPEAKER_01 13:32

That's so funny.

SPEAKER_02 13:34

I hope it's got like some maiden with her titties like popping.

SPEAKER_04 13:39

I would say that the best thing that you could do is just let me finish. I'm sorry, dude. You're gonna lose your mind.

SPEAKER_02 13:47

The Ides of Milk, though. Like, that's so inspirado for jokes. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_04 13:52

It's it was inspirado for jokes by the creators of the quest. Uh so this is this is how the quest plays out, right?

SPEAKER_02 14:01

So it's weird. Isn't most of it like kind of serious? Yeah. I thought it was more serious. It's like, oh, this lava monster is gonna burn me alive, is like the story of the game. Like you're fighting the lava monster. For the most part, yeah. Like it's dire circumstances, but then there's the Ides of Milk. What the fuck? So sorry, yeah, explain it.

SPEAKER_04 14:23

When you when you s when you play the game, you start, you create a new character, you do the tutorial, and then boom, you land in Lumbridge. Lumbridge is the main like town. Okay. That's the starter town. A lot of trees around it. It's pretty chill. There's trees, yeah. There's chick, there's a farm with chickens and cows, there's a place with some sheep, you can cut the wool off of them and you know, turn it into wool. Um, so it's like an iconic experience in the world of RuneScape that when you make a fresh account, you the first thing you do, you get your little weapons and stuff that you got from the tutorial, then you go over to the Lumbridge Cowpen, and there's cows in there, and you kill the cows to train your combat, and you get beef, and you get cow hides, and you craft that into leather, and it starts this whole cascading journey of training up your skills. Sure. And there's a lady at the Lumbridge Cow Pen named Gilly Groats, and she's got a dairy cow she hangs out near, and she's the look at she's the cat the milkmaiden, and she's iconic. So the Ides of Milk comes out.

SPEAKER_02 15:34

Okay, so I was like treading on sacred ground with my joking.

SPEAKER_04 15:39

I don't give a fuck about uh there's no sanctity in RuneScape for me. It's all just goofs and gaffes. But um, so Ides of milk comes out. There's this guy, I think his name's Rufus. Uh he's over yonder. He's not at the cow pen. He's over by the fucking like the windmill where you can make like bread dough shit. Right. Flour or whatever. Yeah, yeah. You grind up the weed, it turns into flour. Um he's over there, he's like, I'm trying to start a new milk business. I've got this new milk. It's fucking sick, it's awesome. Uh, it's better than Gilly's milk. The Groats family can fuck right off. They suck. I'm the new, I'm the new hot dick in town. I'm ready to slang my milk all over Gilly's. Uh, the Gillanors. And uh, you're like, all right, dude, so what do you need? He's like, well, I got I have a fucking, you know, a business partner. His name's Brutus.

SPEAKER_02 16:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 16:33

And I need you to infiltrate Gilly's uh the Groats farm and like fuck their shit up so they can't be producing milk and my milk's the new thing, right? And I need you to also, you need a permit to sell milk in Gillanor. I need you to go to the Duke, the Duke of Lumbridge, I need you to get it, extort him a little bit, and get me a fucking milk license. So you're like, all right, word. Yada yada yada. He gives you a sample of the milk and you drink it, and you're like, that is not good milk. I don't like that milk. That milk sucks. Is your cow retarded? Your milk is fucking dog shit, Rufus. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 17:13

Does your cow have cerebral palsy? What the fuck?

SPEAKER_04 17:16

Yeah. He's like, nah. Sorry, people with cerebral palsy, by the way. It's palsated milk. What are you producing, dude? The hell? Your milk's all sideways and retarded. Milk's all palsurized. Yeah. Uh and you're like, well, I mean, this milk fucking sucks, but I guess I'll try to help you because I get a reward after I'm done. So you go to the Duke, and the Duke's like, well, you know, I could I could do that because I am basically like next in line to be king. But the Groats family kind of has a monopoly on milk right now, and you sort of need their permission because they're like the milk mafia. And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about?

SPEAKER_02 17:58

The mammary mob, if you will.

SPEAKER_04 18:00

Yeah, yeah. And he's just like, go get permission, and you can do your sling your fucking milk. And you're like, all right, word. So Rufus gives you another sample of the milk, and he sends you over uh to Gilly, and you're like, hey, Gilly, uh, we got this hot new sweet milk that we're trying to sling. And she's like, uh what? And you're like, try it. It's really it's great milk. And she's like, that milk looks not right. I don't want to drink that milk. She's like, why don't you drink it in front of me, and I will judge based on your reaction whether it's good or not. You're like, so you drink the milk again. Okay. And she's like, I could tell that's not good milk. I can tell by your reaction that milk is not good. You're like, all right, well, you know, she's like, well, here's here's what I'll do. That milk sucks. Obviously, you're not a competitor. I'll give you permission to go get your milk slinging license from the Duke, and we're square. Wow. But confident in her process. But I need a favor from you. And you're like, all right, cool. She's like, I got this bull over here, and he's been real aggressive lately. I need you to fuck him up and get him to chill out because he's making my cows fucking freak out.

SPEAKER_02 19:14

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 19:14

And you're like, all right, cool. So you go in there and you ring the bell, and the bull comes out, and you fight this little like mini boss that's a bull, and you kill him, and then at the end of you killing him, you pick up a fucking his like name tag off the ground and it says Brutus. Oh. And you're like, wait a minute, that was Rufus' business partner, Brutus. And then all the dots connect, and you're like, Wow. That dude made me drink bull cum. That's nuts. Not one time, but two times. I drank jizz. Bull jizz. And that's what he's selling.

SPEAKER_02 19:55

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_04 19:56

That's the whole quest. And then you can fight the bull boss over there.

SPEAKER_02 19:59

That's crazy that that's in there.

SPEAKER_04 20:00

They made you drink bull cum twice.

SPEAKER_02 20:02

That's crazy that that's in there. I mean no. Is there stories like that throughout OSRS? No.

SPEAKER_04 20:08

Why not? Well, I think it's part of the whole thing that I was telling you on the Patreon where like they're like all the people that play all the people that play this game now are like adults and they can handle like some subtle fucked up shit. And it's like never, it's never explicitly said you just drank Bullcom, but it's very heavily implied.

SPEAKER_02 20:28

Well, yeah, obviously, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:30

Um, but you know, there there is like humor injected in there's some quests that are like low stakes. Oh, okay. That are like there's humor injected into it. It's not all that funny, but it's kind of like cheeky. Right, of course, yeah. It's British humor, it's never that funny.

SPEAKER_02 20:45

Right, yeah. We'll we'll get back to that later. God damn Brits.

SPEAKER_04 20:49

Mm-hmm. But anyway. What was the point of all that?

SPEAKER_02 20:55

I don't know. I picked, I picked, I'm gonna blow all the dogs.

SPEAKER_04 20:59

Okay, fair.

SPEAKER_02 20:59

There's another uh should be one more, right? There is one more.

SPEAKER_04 21:02

I have a new topic? I have a new topic.

SPEAKER_02 21:04

I'm gonna put I'm gonna write down the new topic.

SPEAKER_04 21:06

That's a good idea. Yeah. The new topic, it's it's ground we've trod on before, but we used to do it in a little different way. So the topic is public humiliation. Oh. We used to do this thing, I used to do this thing, where I would come up with a would you rather where it was like some sort of physical uh thing that sucks or a humiliation thing that sucks. And then you have to choose between I gotta, you know, like stuff this thing up my ass or embarrass myself in public. And that was a fun little subgenre of the Would You Rathers, but now this one is just straight up two different public humiliation scenarios, okay. 1v1ing.

SPEAKER_03 21:48

Alright.

SPEAKER_04 21:51

Deathmatching, if you will. Alright, so Jake, would you rather do an hour long Facebook Live of yourself dildoing your asshole once a Week for a month.

SPEAKER_02 22:01

Oh, four times.

SPEAKER_04 22:02

Yeah. And if you get banned, you just have to make a new account and add all the same people back. Oh, okay. Like, I'm back, guys, and I'm not dildoing my asshole. And then Sunday rolls around, the Lord's Day, and you're back to your shenanigans again.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 22:16

Uh or cross-dress as a woman and do a girl voice at work for a month.

SPEAKER_03 22:24

Oh. Hey guys, it's me. I'm the sign guy. I'm here to make signs. This printer head is really clogged. I really gotta unclog this printer thing.

SPEAKER_02 22:38

Okay, so one question. Sure. How big's the dildo? Is it just my dick as a dildo?

SPEAKER_04 22:46

It's my dick as a dildo. Ah. Six and three quarters inches of dick. And you have to you know for an hour.

SPEAKER_02 22:58

Yeah. That's a that's a lot.

SPEAKER_04 23:01

I mean, it's definitely not not a lot for your virgin virgin virginal.

SPEAKER_02 23:08

Basically, what you're saying is I I have to wear leggings at work instead of pants.

SPEAKER_04 23:13

I mean, you could rock yoga pants, you could do that. That's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_02 23:16

But because the chicks who work where I work wear the same thing I do, except they wear yoga pants.

SPEAKER_04 23:23

Oh. So that's the difference. Is that like mandated or is it they could wear jean tight like the sh like?

SPEAKER_02 23:31

No, they they actually are supposed to wear these kind of pants, but they end up wearing leggings. Why do you think that is? I don't know. They're more comfy for chicks, I guess. I don't know. Because they shave their legs, maybe I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 23:41

Skin tight stuff has never been comfortable to me. I like and I don't like baggy stuff, but like, you know, stuff that fits.

SPEAKER_02 23:48

I like this, yeah. Like shit that fits me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:50

That's it's literally the phrase, yeah. Like a thing that fits you correctly. Yeah. It like isn't tight, isn't loose, it's like, you know, correct. That's the word.

SPEAKER_02 24:02

Yeah. That's that yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:03

So weird.

SPEAKER_02 24:04

It is funny, you don't really think about it like that all the time, but fits literally means all of that. Yeah, it works on you functionally and and everything.

SPEAKER_04 24:14

I guess because girls don't have to do karate or anything. Yeah, no, they're not they don't have to like defend anyone's honor. They're not even throwing a football, bro.

SPEAKER_02 24:21

Like my chick does, though. We throw the football that she's only doing it on my best, you know.

SPEAKER_04 24:28

They need their fabric to be neither pliable nor breathable. They're just living life all bound up and shit. Yeah. It's pathetic.

SPEAKER_02 24:37

Yeah. Uh so I mean that's really how you dress as a girl at my work. But I guess, you know, I would have to be what? I'd have to be putting on makeup and shit.

SPEAKER_04 24:49

Oh yeah. Okay. Yeah, you're gonna get real slutty.

SPEAKER_02 24:52

Alright. So as slutty as I can make my work uniform for a month.

SPEAKER_04 24:57

And just, you know.

SPEAKER_02 24:58

Now, my my bosses are gonna want an explanation, and obviously I'm just gonna have to tell you. Well, they're not allowed to ask for a would you rather?

SPEAKER_04 25:06

No, they're not allowed to ask. That's harassment and it's sexual harassment, and it's also discrimination.

SPEAKER_02 25:12

But that is better than dildoing my asshole. I think. I I think it is.

SPEAKER_04 25:17

How do you explain after a month? It just goes right back to normal.

SPEAKER_02 25:22

That's good. I just won't. Jarring. I just won't explain it. Oh. It's my personal faith journey, and you can deal with it or not. God told me to be a girl for a while.

SPEAKER_04 25:34

I prayed on it. Yeah. And for a month, God said, Dude, you're a fucking chick.

SPEAKER_02 25:39

Dude, you're such a girl right now. And I fucking was a girl for a month. And then he said, Nah, you're a bro.

SPEAKER_04 25:46

At the end of it, they're like, Hey, so Jake, um the fuck? And you're like, Are you familiar with the story of Abraham? You remember, you remember in the Bible where God was like, dude, kill your son? And they're like, Absolutely, I fucks with that story. That story goes hard as full. Yeah, dude. You're like, all right, okay, so like same thing, but God was like, You're a chick now.

SPEAKER_02 26:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:10

And then I was like, I guess I have to prove my faith in you. I'm a girl now. And he's like, Alright, cool, now do that. And then I just kept doing it. And then right before I became a chick officially on day 32, yeah, he was like, nah. And I was like, Oh, thank God. I mean, literally, thank God. Fuck. Because that would have sucked, dude. Yeah. And now everything's cool. And they're like, Alright, well, we were gonna cut your pay because you're a you were a girl.

SPEAKER_02 26:40

You're gonna go down to like 77%-ish of what you make, but you're a man again.

SPEAKER_04 26:47

So we were gonna chop off like 23 cents on every dollar you make, but uh, I guess we're cool now.

SPEAKER_02 26:52

You're a fucking man again. Fuck. Uh that was really help, gonna help the payroll out uh there, but nope.

SPEAKER_04 26:59

Have you considered maybe going back to being a girl?

SPEAKER_02 27:02

Maybe ask God about it tonight. I'm just saying. Just before you go to sleep, maybe ask him.

SPEAKER_04 27:08

Dear God, should I be a girl? Yes, check yes or no.

SPEAKER_01 27:11

Check yes or no.

SPEAKER_04 27:13

Yeah, and God's like, well, I I uh I consulted my fucking uh cootie catcher, and I picked my favorite color, which is obviously purple, and it said no. So I guess you're a dude. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:31

I'm a man.

SPEAKER_04 27:32

God's out I'm a man. God with a cootie catcher, such a fun visual, dude. He's just up there like, my mother said to pick the very best one. I don't remember how those work. I think you don't either do P-U-R-P-L-E. I think you spell out the some voodoo. And you have to pick a number. S-E-V-E-I-N, or however you spell seven. I scaled it just now. I mean, you know, you add letters.

SPEAKER_02 28:02

That's like a thing, though, seven something, where it's like S-E-V-I-N, but I don't know what it is. I can't I can't get it.

SPEAKER_04 28:09

Uh it made me think of like uh like eeny meeny miny mo. Uh-huh. And like if it was between two people, eny meeny, miny moe, can the tiger by the toe. And then you could just you could as the eeny meeny miny moe, you could have deterministic um decision making. Because I could say eeny meeny miny moe, catch a tiger by the toe. If you holler, let him go, eeny meeny, miny moe. And my mother said to pick the very best one, and you are not it. Boom. See that? Deterministic. As the miny mower.

SPEAKER_02 28:48

You can a push or a ride.

SPEAKER_04 28:51

Uh, I'm not much of a gambler. The eeny meeny miny mower. Oh. Sorry. I see.

SPEAKER_02 28:58

Uh sorry. That's uh actually the dumbest joke. But you said mower, and my brain was like, wait a minute. It's self-propelled. That's a different thing. It's self-propelled. Wait, that means something else. Rear wheels. Make a reference to the other meaning. You said that's half of podcasting. That's half of joke podcasting.

SPEAKER_04 29:19

You said push or ride, and I thought that was like a gambling term. Oh, right, right. So I don't know. I'm not much of a gambler.

SPEAKER_02 29:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 29:28

It sounded like a gambling thing. Yeah, yeah, no.

SPEAKER_02 29:31

It is, I think. Yeah. I think both of those are gambling terms as well. Poker terms, right? I don't think it's a good one. Let it ride and then push. Yeah. Like you push your shit in. I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 29:40

Push your shit in is more of a ganking. Yeah. I don't know, dude. Eeny meeny miny mo is a pretty fun game, though.

SPEAKER_02 29:52

Yeah. Not it. That's great. I forgot about that. It's been so long. Yeah. It's been a long time since I used that system. Yeah. Oh man. Yeah, I'm. I barely remember the would you rather options. Oh, yeah. Dildo my asshole or be a girl. Uh yeah, I'm gonna be a girl, I guess, and then just use the religion excuse and and uh you know hope it works. Yeah because if I dildo my asshole on Facebook Live or whatever, then that's obviously gonna get me fired outright.

SPEAKER_04 30:30

I don't think so. I don't think it's legal in any state to fire somebody over.

SPEAKER_02 30:36

It sure is.

SPEAKER_04 30:37

No, it's it's your personal they would that would be like They would say it reflects poorly on the You're not a representative of the company in your personal life. They would fire me.

SPEAKER_02 30:47

You if you they would find a way to fire they would they they would fire, they would find a way to fire me.

SPEAKER_04 30:51

If you like put up a giant sign that says, This is where I work, check this out, right behind you, then you're you're representing the company and it reflects poorly on the company. If you're just doing if you're just taking it up the ass in your personal I don't think so.

SPEAKER_02 31:05

I think I would get fired regardless.

SPEAKER_04 31:07

Every single teacher that does OnlyFans wins the lawsuits when they get fired over it. Every fucking one of them. Yeah, dude. Well it's not like she's like, hey, students, check out my I still would rather be a girl. It's me, Mrs. Thompson. Here's my asshole spread wide open.

SPEAKER_02 31:24

Just because the day I'm not a girl, the day I'm not a girl anymore, it's over. But my ass is gonna hurt for a while after that month. Like, that's gonna possibly do permanent damage. It's only once a week. Four times uh for an hour. So like that's a lot of of dildoing.

SPEAKER_04 31:47

I think you underestimate the pliability of my asshole, of fleshy anus.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

Well, I you know, I just don't wanna. And I you know, I don't wanna be a girl either, but like I really just don't wanna Honestly, fam.

SPEAKER_04 32:02

Spitting facts. I mean I don't wanna is the best fucking argument for any would you rather?

SPEAKER_02 32:08

That's it, dude. I mean, the one the what would you wanna do? It's just a different way of saying which would you rather do? But like which do you wanna do less?

SPEAKER_04 32:19

Well, I mean is the question. The argument ends with, well, I don't wanna.

SPEAKER_01 32:24

What else can you say?

SPEAKER_04 32:25

There's no like I can't entice you any further. It's not good for podcasting necessarily. I don't wanna it is after 15 minutes of discussion. After we've been on this one for a while, yeah, I don't wanna is a great it's like at the end of a 15-minute like debate, it's like, well, I mean, I guess at the end of the day, I I think I just I don't wanna.

SPEAKER_02 32:48

Oh. After a bunch of big words are said, you end it with Why didn't you say that 14 and a half minutes ago?

SPEAKER_04 32:54

Just say at the end of the day, I don't wanna.

SPEAKER_02 32:57

So all this other shit is superfluous to that thing.

SPEAKER_04 33:00

Yeah, yeah. I support that. I'd vote for that guy. I don't wanna. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:05

Higher taxes? I don't wanna.

SPEAKER_04 33:08

I mean, that's pretty much how America got started.

SPEAKER_02 33:12

Trump, he's basically like Mexicans. I don't wanna.

SPEAKER_04 33:16

I don't wanna. Yeah. Um, I agree, and I like that I like that philosophy. Yeah, uh, we'll do your thing. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I talked a lot. Yeah, no, yeah. Good and gentlemen, here's Jake's top ten dark web links for illicit photos of children. Let's go. Yeah. I always forgot I did that. Every time I forgot I did that.

SPEAKER_02 33:36

Uh so this is a top five. I only have one five, but it's top five like worst euphemisms for vagina. Euphemisms. And I used my I used a source. I have a primary source for this. And it's a like definitive ranking list of vagina words from Cosmopolitan magazine.

SPEAKER_04 34:03

Did you write your list in MLA format?

SPEAKER_02 34:06

No, it doesn't even have numbers.

SPEAKER_04 34:08

Oh. There's not any uh superscript in uh in brackets? No, like Wikipedia?

SPEAKER_02 34:16

There are parentheses in one, just so I remembered the origin. Wikipedia file? That's me, dude. Uh no, I I got these from Cosmo from a cosmopolitan list of 85 like nicknames and euphemisms for vagina. Did you have to sign up? Well, it's online. Um, no, I've just found it. I I searched for it. I mean, I was searching for vagina nicknames, like some that maybe I didn't know, or some that you know I did know and and was reminded of, and like fuck that nickname. Fuck that nickname. Uh I I've done a vagina nickname thing before, I feel like, or we have. We've talked about all the vagina names probably multiple times. But this is like Cosmopolitan magazine, definitively ranked. And I don't remember the numbers for each of these, but I took from it like these are the fucking worst, and almost all of these were like good in their eyes. Like, like they thought these were artsy or whatever the fuck, right? So to bring up British people again, number five, worst euphemisms for vagina minge.

SPEAKER_04 35:29

Yeah, it's awful.

SPEAKER_02 35:30

Terrible, horrible, terrible. Fuck the English, dude. Yeah, just imagine you're clowning a gal, and she's like, oh yeah, fuck my minge. I know, dude. Radiohead, awesome. Minge, get it out of here. Get it out. Kick it back over the pond. I don't ever want to hear it again. Unless it's Oprah's pussy or butthole. I don't remember. One or the other. Yeah. Uh it's the butthole. Yeah, the butthole talks about the No, the Minge talks about itself. That's right. It's talking about itself.

SPEAKER_05 36:00

Oh, yeah. I'm Oprah's Minge.

SPEAKER_04 36:02

Yeah, right, right, right.

SPEAKER_02 36:03

Yep, yep, yep.

SPEAKER_04 36:03

I think it's probably uh what is it? Subconsciously why I did the accent the way I did. Oh, from the South Park thing. Yeah, sorry.

SPEAKER_02 36:13

Uh yeah. Uh Towley. So Stephen McTally.

SPEAKER_04 36:16

What if I'm just Canadian for the rest of the episode?

SPEAKER_02 36:18

Uh a million little fibers or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh number four. Also British. Fanny. Oof. It's so bad. I hate it because all I can think of is poop. It means butt.

SPEAKER_04 36:35

All I can think about is a very convenient bag to put items in.

SPEAKER_02 36:39

But I always thought of it as butt. Maybe I'm wrong.

SPEAKER_04 36:42

No, no, no, no. You're right. Yeah. In America, a fanny is a butt. Yeah. Which is why it's so funny when you hear about it as a kid that they call pussies fannies.

SPEAKER_02 36:52

I hate it. I hate it.

SPEAKER_04 36:54

And that's why. But like, stop. You know how we kind of we changed it, dude. You know how we kind of sometimes call pussies front butts? Yes. As Americans.

SPEAKER_02 37:05

Yeah, yeah. That was also on the list. Of course it was. Front bottom, I think it says. Ugh. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 37:10

You think that British people call buttholes back fannies? Shit fanny. Fart fanny? The fart fanny, dude. That's what we call our fans from now on. Fart fannies, dude. Fart fannies. I listen to Fart Mouth Podcast. I'm a fart fanny.

SPEAKER_02 37:30

You were no longer Fart Mouth University students. You are fart fannies. You're not fairies. You're fart fannies, dude. All right. Uh, number three. This is 1800 slang. Oh, fuck. Itching Jenny. What? What the f uh, okay. Maybe this one's actually kind of cool. Maybe I was wrong on this one. But on first glance, I didn't like it. Because it it's like refers to it being, and now probably a lot more fungal infections, and they couldn't do anything about it. You know what I mean? So chicks was itching back then. They were all syphilitic. Right. They were they were scratching their fucking minge.

SPEAKER_04 38:11

Those fucking powdered wigs came from somewhere and it wasn't from boy love.

SPEAKER_02 38:15

Yeah, even if this is an American slang, it's 1800s American slang, which is basically British slang. So it still belongs to them.

SPEAKER_04 38:24

How long do you think it took for that to like phase out? Like when did the American accent become a thing?

SPEAKER_02 38:30

I don't know. I they say that we talk now. I've heard this, I don't know if this is right. But they s I've I've heard that we talk now like the English talked back then, more so more so and English people changed into what they do.

SPEAKER_04 38:50

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 38:51

Like more than you would think, I guess.

SPEAKER_04 38:54

Well, no, I think that's wrong because I I don't believe it.

SPEAKER_02 38:58

I just heard it.

SPEAKER_04 38:59

I I think the Southern accent was the first deviation from the English accent. Oh. Because from what I've heard from like linguistic faggots on like TikTok and shit, they're like, it's much easier for the British actors to do southern characters. Because they were talking about Rick Grimes.

SPEAKER_02 39:20

Oh, yeah, we talked about this recently. I'm remembering now. Yeah, not that long ago.

SPEAKER_04 39:25

Well, I just remember seeing uh they were talking about Rick Grimes and fucking The Walking Dead, and how half the actors on The Walking Dead are British. And they're like, well, the Southern accent's a lot easier to do because it's just like retarded English accents. Right. And I was like, oh yeah. Southern people are retarded because of hookworms and and bare feet.

SPEAKER_02 39:46

Yeah. I think we did talk about the British thing though. Relatively recently.

SPEAKER_04 39:52

Speaking of relatives, the South.

SPEAKER_02 39:54

We need to look at Spotify comments after uh this.

SPEAKER_04 39:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:57

Uh don't let me forget.

SPEAKER_00 40:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:00

Uh I think I read them last time. Uh number two. Meefer. Uh this is foreign. I'm not sure. It's not an American word. I'm not sure if it's English. It sounds like it could be. I didn't realize it was pronounced this way until I read the little caption. Itching Jenny's horrible, by the way. Itching Jenny is insane. I like what the fuck? That's what you call a vagina? In an itching jenny, or whatever. Uh number two. Clungy. Huh? Yeah. Clungy? C-L-U-N-G-E. It sounds I thought it was clunge, which is pretty bad too.

SPEAKER_04 40:38

It sounds like you're throwing up halfway through. Clungey. Fucking wash your clunge.

SPEAKER_05 40:46

It's fucking rancid, you clungies. Good lord.

SPEAKER_02 40:52

Yeah, I'm not sure where that's from. Maybe English. I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_05 40:55

All the king's horses and all the king's men can't get the stink off your clunge.

SPEAKER_02 41:01

That's insane, dude. That's crazy, right? Say that. Clungy or clunge, whatever it is. Number one, dude. This one, I have never heard this. I've never heard this. But the this made me laugh in the bathroom by myself a little while ago when I read it. I was like, God damn. Number one on my list of the worst names. Oh my God. Like uh you wouldn't want to see a pussy described as this. Okay. Number one is Growler.

unknown 41:37

Growler.

SPEAKER_01 41:39

Growler, dude?

SPEAKER_04 41:42

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 41:44

What?

SPEAKER_04 41:44

Like, huh? That is an overgrown bush-laden fucking minge, dude.

SPEAKER_02 41:50

Dude, it's cavernous. Like, like what? Growler?

SPEAKER_04 41:55

You pull her pants down and it's like. Or you you get your pecker near and it's like grrrr. Like a like an angry dog. I like green pops. Oh my god, dude.

SPEAKER_02 42:12

Sounds like the dude from uh fucking Inspector Gadget.

SPEAKER_04 42:16

Oh yeah. Fucking uh oh shit, what's his name? It's like Professor something. Yeah, maybe. Shit, what's the bad guy from Inspector Gadget? Also Mr.

SPEAKER_02 42:27

Grimmspector Gadget on Twisted Metal 3. Oh yeah. That sounds very similar.

SPEAKER_05 42:33

My appetite is insatiable. Or whatever.

SPEAKER_04 42:36

For souls or whatever the fuck he's at. They need a fucking like a modern day PS5 twisted metal, dude. That's what I'm saying. They would make so much fucking money, dude. Dude, like they've got they've got that. What's that autistic game that the retards play with the cars and the soccer? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's car soccer. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:58

Cocker, if you will. Cocker. The cocker spaniel. Scoot ball, you know? Yeah. I can't remember now. Starts with an R, right?

SPEAKER_04 43:08

Rocket League.

SPEAKER_02 43:08

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 43:10

Racist League is what I call it. Because every time you win, they're like, you fucking you.

SPEAKER_01 43:16

God damn. Every time, bro.

SPEAKER_04 43:19

Well, uh that's what they say. I don't say that. I would never, I don't even type in that game. I play with a controller. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:27

I I tried to play it with Sean one time and it did not go well. I do not have a good time.

SPEAKER_04 43:33

You gotta be you gotta be on a level of autism that just is doesn't it's not compatible with me.

SPEAKER_02 43:38

It's tough, dude. It's a lot. You're trying to move this car in a 3D space to hit a ball. Yeah. No fucking way, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_04 43:44

There's like launching and jumping and backspins and up the wall. It's fucked up.

SPEAKER_02 43:49

It's a whole thing, dude. It's crazy.

SPEAKER_04 43:50

I mean, hats off to people that are good at it, but also get good at a skill that's useful in life.

SPEAKER_02 43:56

But but back to your first point like PKing. Where where Is twisted metal? Like, why is there not an online twisted metal? What the fuck? And there was one for a while, but they they half-assed it.

SPEAKER_04 44:09

Dude, they got a full asset. It's Rocket League and Call of Duty. Do it. It's easy.

SPEAKER_02 44:14

Two of the biggest games in the world. Do it. Dude, dude, tomorrow, Fortnite could have. Like, if they bought Twisted Metal from Sony somehow or got rights to it, you would have you know half not half, but like a third of the fucking player base of Fortnite could be on Twisted Metal.

SPEAKER_04 44:35

If it came out on PS5 only, I'd buy a PS5 to play that. Dude. An online competitive multiplayer.

SPEAKER_02 44:43

Yeah. But there is a campaign as well. Yeah. That you can play once, you know, you would play one time and then you're playing online from then on. Yeah. It's got all the levels from the campaign. Because you can memorize, you know, the levels, you know, on in the campaign and then do it. And it you could do Battle Royale Twisted Metal.

SPEAKER_04 45:03

Oh, dude. That would be so sick.

SPEAKER_02 45:07

Like 30 cars.

SPEAKER_04 45:10

They have like there's so much precedent for this because it's literally like three games in one. Yeah. And they're all the most popular games ever. Because it is Call of Duty, Rocket League, and Mario Kart all in one. It really is, yeah. Do it already.

SPEAKER_02 45:25

Yeah. There's billions on the table, and you're just fucking dropping the ball. I know, dude. It's insane. You could, I mean, they and they have a show that keeps getting greenlit for more seasons. So, like, where is it? Where's Twisted Metal? I've never been more mad about anything ever. How are you not putting people on that? How are you not putting the Need for Speed people or the whatever, like other car game that's newer that I don't know about? Forza. Yeah, the fucking or the Gran Turismo motherfuckers. They're not doing anything right now.

SPEAKER_04 45:55

Put the Rocket League guys on it.

SPEAKER_02 45:57

Yes. They made one game ever. They're just dicking around. They're so yeah, and it's a good game. Like it plays well. It's just not my thing.

SPEAKER_04 46:04

The physics of that game, but Call of Duty now.

SPEAKER_02 46:09

Yeah, but now it's vehicular combat. Do it. Dude, we've we we gotta we gotta start a fucking mutiny.

SPEAKER_04 46:17

There needs to be a uh there's these there needs to be a change.org petition. All right, all right.

SPEAKER_02 46:23

While we're on it, let's tell the people what's who's your go-to?

SPEAKER_04 46:28

Who's your I haven't played it in so long, I don't know. I like the clown guy because that's the only one I remember. I know there's also the black feller that's a body with the two.

SPEAKER_02 46:36

Which one did you play? Black?

SPEAKER_04 46:38

Uh like further back than that. PlayStation 1 era.

SPEAKER_02 46:42

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 46:43

Like two. Two? Maybe. Did you play three? I don't know. It's been so fucking long. I don't know. Do you remember anything about it? I remember having a lot of fun.

SPEAKER_02 46:52

Well, do you knock down the Eiffel Tower? I don't I didn't play that.

SPEAKER_04 46:56

I never played a campaign. Shit. I had um I had a Nintendo 64, yeah, and then I got a PS2, and then within like several months of me having that, you know, I was poor. I couldn't buy games. I just had the game that came with it, which was Jack and Daxter, I think. Right. Or Ratchet and Clank, one or the other. And then my trailer burned down, and with the insurance money, all my friends were playing Halo, so I got an Xbox. Of course. Uh so I never really uh my buddy that fire really set you on a course to homosexuality. It really did, yeah. Uh so I the only time I played Twisted Metal was at my friend's house, and we would play splitties, you know, split screen. And it was fucking fun as shit, dude. It was so goddamn fun. Yeah. And I remember there was the black guy that was made of person, but he had wheels for arms and legs. Axle. Yeah. And there was the clown guy that was rad and cool. Sweet tooth. And then there was another one that shot like mortars out of the top of like a hearse or something. Oh. That one was really cool. I think I think that's number two. It was like, hey, I'm the I'm the devil, dead guy, and I got a hearse. I drive there's a corpse in the back. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 48:18

Or maybe that's one. I don't know. Uh is there uh uh Mr. Graham on the motorcycle?

SPEAKER_04 48:25

Surely.

SPEAKER_02 48:26

With the fucking he shoots skulls.

SPEAKER_04 48:28

This is also Mortal Kombat. This is four years. Uh I barely remember anything, dude. I think I've pretty much said everything I remember. I remember driving around and shooting stuff and like missiles and stuff at people and blowing their cars up, and it was really fun.

SPEAKER_02 48:42

That's all. Well, I was you know, I've played all of them pretty much, um, except for the newest iteration that was online and they took down like however many years ago. Two or three years ago, it like fully went offline or whatever. Uh I haven't played that. I've played everything else, so I would know, you know.

SPEAKER_04 48:58

I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what you don't know about. Odd World 2, Stranger's Wrath. Tell me about that. I don't know anything about that. That's fucking awesome, dude. You would love it. Because you're like a Western guy.

SPEAKER_02 49:11

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 49:11

And you talk like like Clinton's wood, you're like, I guess it's time for me to roll on through this town. But there ain't enough room for both of us.

SPEAKER_04 49:21

And you go in and you have guns, but they're not guns, they're animals. But they're not real animals, they're like exploding critters. It's fucking awesome, dude. And you can gallop and run real fast because you're not really a guy, you're like a horse person. Wow. Odd Roll 2 Stranger's Wrath is one of the coolest fucking games ever made, and nobody talks about it. Uh and I'm sick to death of it.

SPEAKER_02 49:44

So I did just remember someone made a fan made Twisted Metal 5. And it's it's like a a mod, obviously, and they fucking put it together and it's got like a ton of characters, and it's so that is a way to play Twisted Metal right now. Oh but it's not an official Sony release.

SPEAKER_04 50:05

I need I need 2026, Twisted Metal 14 on PlayStation 5 exclusive.

SPEAKER_02 50:11

Twisted Metal X or something. Twisted Metal, like come up with something.

SPEAKER_04 50:15

Well, what they do a lot of times is when they haven't made a game in a while, they'll just call it Twisted Metal. Right, they probably would do that. They're like, we're starting over. Right. We're back to the beginning. Even though it's the same name as the first one, it is now the new one. Idiot. And then you buy it and you love it.

SPEAKER_02 50:32

Because wouldn't it be cool if they made like a uh twisted metal game where it's a gi I think they've tried to do this before, but it never came to fruition. It's like a twisted metal game where it's like open world, but then at times during events where you have to like, you know, kill a bunch of people. I went down the wrong pipe. The world gets closed off, and you're only you can only go around in one section of it, you know.

SPEAKER_04 51:01

You're talking to the fans at this point, because I have no idea.

SPEAKER_02 51:04

But because usually it's just, you know, different maps, but you have like one giant map, and then there's like a story, and you drive around to the different, you know, places where the story happens.

SPEAKER_04 51:17

Sounds awesome. I want more twisted metal.

SPEAKER_02 51:20

But there needs to be a fucking online twisted metal. It's fucking stupid there's not one. Like there is an if you made it right and then promoted it correctly, everybody's getting on that. Everybody's buying, you know, like people who haven't played twisted metal since they were ten are fucking checking it out.

SPEAKER_04 51:42

Yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_02 51:43

I want it hardcore. Have it where you can fucking, I mean, do the microtransaction thing if you have to.

SPEAKER_04 51:50

New skins for your for your whip. Right. Or new uh characters that you have to, you know, DLC basically. That would be rad as fuck. I mean, they could do it like that how they do um like Overwatch and shit. Right. Where you have to buy the expansion to get the new guy. That's fine. Right. I'm fine with that. Make your fucking bread, just make a good game.

SPEAKER_02 52:13

Just make give us a nice like 10 or 12 to start out with. Yeah. Like when you like open the game. It should be like 10 or 12.

SPEAKER_04 52:21

Like Mortal Kombat. Right. You get the base guys. Right. And you open, or you unlock the rest. You unlock that would be sick. You unlock some throughout the campaign, and then also after like eight months of people playing the same 12 guys, you fucking drop a DLC. It's like, here's two more guys. Right. And there's two story missions that you have to do to unlock them.

SPEAKER_02 52:43

Right. You know? Two new levels too. You would have to you would almost have to release levels too.

SPEAKER_04 52:49

Just hire me, and I'll tell you how to make the game, and then you just do what I say, and then you'll make a million dollars.

SPEAKER_02 52:54

Dude, so many million dollars. Like millions and millions of dollars would uh could be poured into that from the like uh gaming community. Each guy there.

SPEAKER_04 53:05

You can't hire a girl to make twisted metal, but don't do that.

SPEAKER_02 53:08

Only for the VO. This is guys only, only for the the the voice acting of the female community.

SPEAKER_04 53:14

Even your legal team, you have to hire like a monster truck lawyer. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 53:18

Yeah. Or clown.

SPEAKER_04 53:22

Alright, so uh going through Spotify comments, it's been a while. Yeah. We've been a little sidetracked. So I went back to uh episode 329, old pineapple dog jizz. Nice. Man, that was how far I had to go back to find the would you rather? But it rem it like I reminisced on the idea of feeding dogs pineapple to make their jizz taste better. Fuck, that's funny.

SPEAKER_02 53:46

Yeah. That's what I'm gonna do in my would you rather. That's so funny.

SPEAKER_04 53:53

Uh Arden J said, damn, I'll probably not be able to get a uh get to a fart party when I'm not on probation. Damn. But y'all motherfuckers go crazy. Yahweh bless this podcast. Nice. Thanks, dog.

SPEAKER_02 54:07

He did. Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 54:08

Yeah, he the Lord said, These guys are pretty neat. We won't, I won't even Abraham them.

SPEAKER_02 54:14

Yeah. I won't even fuck them up while they're on acid.

SPEAKER_04 54:19

I'll just let that happen. Abraham sanitizer. I'm lol.

SPEAKER_02 54:24

Remember that? What? That was one one thing that you kept saying at the party that uh we forgot about when we did our recap of it on the Patreon. Uh you said you were like, every time we were when we were playing Fortnite, every time we would go back to the same place and you were like, I'm lol. I'm lol. Oh loyal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm lol. I'm lol. You kept saying that. You were like, nah, we're going to the trailer park. I'm low.

SPEAKER_03 54:54

It's a funny party.

SPEAKER_04 54:56

It's a motel. I'm like, nah, we're going to the trailer park because I'm lol.

SPEAKER_02 55:04

We totally forgot. I thought of it. I it randomly popped into my head for some reason at some point. And I just remembered it. I was like, oh yeah. It's a lol.

SPEAKER_04 55:15

I gotta get high more, dude. I swear to god, I'm funnier when I'm high.

SPEAKER_02 55:19

We gotta do like fucking streams while while we're fucked up like that. That'd be such a fun time. Except that we would say things we shouldn't say on a stream, probably. Probably.

SPEAKER_04 55:31

I'm lol. I'm lol. Uh the next comment on the episode is from Ed Rod 405. Hell yeah. I feel like I remember this guy because I think I said that that's Stockton, California. I don't know if that's right or not now. I'm I'm less confident about it. The 405 is a highway in California.

SPEAKER_02 55:51

Oh yeah. That's what it is. Well, we can see where uh the area code is.

SPEAKER_04 55:56

He said Grassias for the acknowledgement, senor Jake. Uh hell yeah, dude. Stockton. I think it's the Oklahoma. The 205.

SPEAKER_02 56:07

405 is Oklahoma.

SPEAKER_04 56:09

What's 205? I think that's serving Oklahoma City. I think 205 is uh Stockton, California.

SPEAKER_02 56:15

Uh 205 is West Central Alabama. I nailed it.

SPEAKER_04 56:21

How about just Google?

SPEAKER_02 56:22

Tuscaloosa.

SPEAKER_04 56:23

Google was the area code for Stockton, California. Because the Diaz brothers in the UFC. Uh they would always say, like, Stockton, motherfucker, bup up, bup. The area code. Area code. This is great content.

SPEAKER_02 56:37

209.

SPEAKER_04 56:38

209!

SPEAKER_02 56:39

See how close I was with the overlay area code of 350. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 56:42

209, motherfucker, Stockton. 209, 350. Y'all are like half Mexican white dudes. Um Episode 330, that was Far Party 3. What a fucking if it was 333, that would be crazy. That would have been crazy, dude. Synchronicities and shit. Basket. But it wasn't. But it wasn't. Basket's. Actually, this is episode 333. Oh, man. Basket said. My socks made it home safe. All right, dude. Word. And then there's no comments on the last episode. 332. Oh, this is 332. 331 was George Hard R. Martin. Fuck. That was funny, dude. Yeah. That was good stuff. Um, alright. Well, there's one last thing to do, and it's my motherfucking top five. So here's the drop for that, and we'll get out of here. Ladies and gentlemen, here's Tyler's top ten list. Let's go. Notice how there's no slander in that. Damn, we're up to 107 uh star reviews on Spotify. Oh, cool. That's pretty cool. We haven't even really been asking for those. Appreciate you, boo. Keep them coming. Keep the comments coming as well. Yeah. We'll read them and it's fun. All right. My top five list this week is biggest fucking wastes of time activities. These are activities that are a big old fucking waste of time. Okay. And they're the biggest. Number five. Sure. Fucking dude, listening to somebody else explaining a dream that they had to you. There's never been a time where I was like, oh, go on. That's so interesting. Really? It was your cousin? Shut up, dude. No one wants to fucking hear it. That is a personal experience that is only exclusively interesting to you ever. Yeah. Unless you had a dream about that person and you sum it up in 15 words or less. Shut the hell up. We were on a boat. Oh, cool. Yeah. Oh, dude, Jay, I fucking had a dream the other day that you fucking uh you went and you got that thing. And Twisted Metal, the new one came out, and we played it together and it was really fun. That might have been 20 words, but you're interested because I said a thing that you thought was cool.

SPEAKER_02 59:02

Yeah. Well, to quote Dennis Reynolds from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Uh hearing about people's dreams is like looking at pictures of people, or when people want to try to show me a picture. If I'm not in them and nobody's having sex, I don't give a shit.

SPEAKER_04 59:20

Something to that effect. That is good. Uh the fucking the slut from that show. The whore from that show.

SPEAKER_02 59:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 59:29

That show.

SPEAKER_02 59:30

The bird from that show.

SPEAKER_04 59:31

The gal. Yeah. The broad. She's in an episode, or at least one episode, of uh Kirby Enthusiasm. Oh, yeah, sure. Because I saw a clip.

SPEAKER_02 59:41

Yeah. Caitlin on Caitlin Olsen.

SPEAKER_04 59:45

D. She was drinking during the day, and he was like, What are you doing? You drinking during the day? She's like, who dr? He says, Who drinks during the day? She said, People who have brunch. He's like, Well, we're not at brunch, we're at your house. And she's like, Well, okay, it's not a mimosa. I don't know. It was like, oh, that's that lady. I saw that lady. Yeah. Number four.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:03

Sweet D.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:04

The fucking onboarding videos that you're forced to watch when you start a new job, dude. Yeah. This is how you clean up a spill. I'm pretty sure I've seen a mop, motherfucker. Yeah. I know how this works. Right. Why do I have to watch a 45-minute video on how to fucking take out the garbage? Right. I already know, dude. It's fucking stupid. Thank God for smartphones. Because back in the day, when I was forced to watch, I hadn't I did a lot of retail jobs back in the day. A lot of the times when this comes up, I tell people I've probably had more jobs than you have ever had because I used to change jobs a lot as a young man. I've had like like 40 retail jobs. I just I would quit and start a new one all the time. So I've watched a lot of videos, and you know, they're all the exact same. Right. Uh and I didn't have a smartphone back then. I was A, poor, B, they didn't exist really in a ubiquitous sense. I had one of those phones that did this guy, and you would have a full keyboard. Nice. An LG uh N V3, I think is what it was. It was red, like a maroon. And it was like a normal like Nokia kind of deal with the T9 bullshit. Yeah. And then you would flip it up, and I was like, that is the coolest thing ever.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:19

Dude, I had a Nokia with the T9, but it was like the one and the four were on the same button, kinda. There is the same piece of plastic, but you hit it up for the one and down for the four. So it had like it had that across the whole thing. Damn. It was cool. It was a sick ass phone, actually. You could you could record anything and then make that your ringtone. So I turned the radio up, and when a song I liked came on that I wanted to be my ringtone, I fucking hit record, you know, for the chorus. Yeah. And I turned it off, and then oh great. Now the chorus of Yeah by Usher is the ringtone. That's sick. Or Hold On by Good Charlotte or whatever the fuck it was.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:06

I was always too embarrassed about ringtones that I never made like a cool song my ringtone. Because it's like I feel like it's way more embarrassing when your phone rings and it's like a song, you know?

SPEAKER_00 1:02:18

Right.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:18

I always just went with the default because it's like, well, yeah, everybody knows that.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:22

Yeah, well, it's only redeemed by me being 13, you know, like a fucking kid.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:29

As an adult now, as an ironic adult now, a millennial, yeah. I think it'd be real funny to do like uh hit me baby one more time or something as my ringtone, and then like my phone rings at work and people are like, Yeah, yeah, just completely uncharacteristic song.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:49

That would be great.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:50

That would be very funny.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:51

Uh any like uh Huey Lewis song.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:56

Yeah, some ska.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:58

Or maybe I'm the sc man.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:04

Yeah, that would be funny now because I don't have embarrassment as much.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:08

Yeah, no, that would be funny.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:09

But as a teenager, my god.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:11

Dude, I would in earnest put a couple of fucking Garth Brooks songs, and then I would die on the hill of anyone being like why not that one. Uh oddly enough, not that one. A couple of things. Just expertly written and crafted songs. I mean, sorry, they're good. Songbird of a generation. And he fucking performed them well.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:42

So it is what it is.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:45

Maybe he has dead people buried, but ask yourself what's wrong with you if you don't understand why Garth Brooks is good. Like why he his songs are good. He is obviously like a chode, but like, you know, his songs, any Garth Brooks deniers out there.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:03

I'll tell you what, dude. One day when you're not when you're least expecting it, yeah, the thunder's gonna roll. And it's gonna roll on you, dude.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:14

Bro, you're yeah. Dude, I remembered the other day, that summer, that song. I went to work for her that summer about fucking the old lady. Oh yeah. Or fucking the, you know, older lady. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:33

Just I don't think I've ever sneezed on the show before. I don't know what got up my nose. All right. Yeah, I'd fuck that lady that summer too.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:45

Burn in both ends of the night. That means they fucked in the evening and in the morning. Damn. They got up to do farm work till 4 a.m. and shit. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:56

And then they got hay to bail. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:59

They probably fucked in there too.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:01

Uh they rolled around in it for shit. Uh, number three. Yeah. This is by the way, the biggest waste of time activities. Right. Being given a tour of someone's house. Sure. You want the run tour? No. No, I sure don't, because I'll fucking never be here again. Nor do I need to know where the third bedroom is. Tell me where the fire extinguisher is. You know what I mean? At least a little bit. Here's the living room. This is where we hang out. Over there's the bathroom. End of fucking tour, because that's all I need. I'm not gonna go hang out in your bedroom.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:35

I forgot about the bathroom. Yeah, you do need to know where that is.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:37

That's all I need.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:38

I don't need you bring I'm your guest. You bring me the beers. I don't need to know where your fridge is. I don't none of my concerns. Here's the master bedroom. I'll never be in here. We're not fucking, bro. I'll never be in here. What do you think this is? You bringing in me, you bringing me in here to show your show me your Pokemon card collection. I don't I don't think so, dude. I don't want to know what's on or under your mattress.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:03

Unless you're showing me guns, why am I in here? No fucking reason to give me the tour. That is around these parts, when you just go over to some rando's house, like half the time that's why they want to take you to their bedroom is to show you their guns. Yeah. They just bought a new whatever the fuck. Yeah. Whatever the fuck death machine and they want to show it to you. Yeah, they're since you're a man.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:29

It's either in their bedroom or in their mud room, because everybody around here's got a mud room.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:33

It's very funny that that they think you you're into that. Yeah. They think like you're going to be so impressed by their firepower. It's like it's got the same energy as like when an old racist guy is like, right, when he says something racist to you. You know?

SPEAKER_04 1:06:48

Like rat, boy. I get the dudes that I play games with that like there'll be a night where we're all drunk or whatever, and we'll get on webcam and shit. Oh yeah. And they'll be like, oh dude, check this one out. It's a canic RX 14. I'm like, no way.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:02

Wow, that could kill so many people.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:04

How many, how many big bullets you got in that thing, mister? You know? Like, I don't care. Like, oh, dude, this one's the fucking Taurus RX 14 7 with the with the with the hollow inside internals.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:18

And I'm like, did you scratch trans ideology into the fucking bullet facing?

SPEAKER_04 1:07:23

Every time I'm just like, wow, we, mister, that's so cool. I don't give a fuck. Check this one out. It's technically a pistol, and he's holding like a fucking machine gun the size of an entire Taurus.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:37

Yeah, go shoot four Taurus camera with that, and I'll be impressed.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:40

Yeah. I'm always just like, wow, dude, neat oh. I don't give a fuck at all. Um I actually what I always say is, yeah, man, I'm not really a gun guy. So I don't know what any of those words or letters meant.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:56

Or numbers for that matter.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:01

It's a fun bit to always be like, oh, cool. Is that an M16? Even if it's a if it's a revolver something. Is that an AR-15, dude? Holy crap.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:12

You could kill a lot of students with that.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:15

I got this here blunderbust. You want to see mine? It looks like a phonograph with a fucking explosive device attached to the other end. Yeah. All right. Number two, and you you alluded to this earlier. It was like you saw into my brain. I read it. Someone looking for a photo on their phone of something they want to show you, but you definitely don't give a shit about.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:39

And they're like, hang on, hang on, let me show you.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:42

They're scrolling back to like 2016. And you're just like, dog.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:47

Dude, I've done that on this podcast before, probably.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:50

I'm always like, dog, I don't want to see it. I don't want to see the photo that you're searching so hard for.

unknown 1:08:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:00

You just passed so many pictures of your dog. I see what your dog looks like. It's fine.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:04

Yeah, exactly. Oh no, you gotta see him in this little cute outfit. It's like I can picture it now that I've seen your dog. I've seen your dog, I've seen a sweater. I can put two and two together, brother. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. And number one on the top five list of giant fucking stupid annoying wastes of time. Definitively, I can tell you from experience, every single time I've hated every minute of it. It is other people's weddings, dude. Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't invite me. I won't be your best man. I will be a detractor. I will be bitching the whole time. I'll be your worst man. I'll be a hater. The whole time I'll be hating. I'm gonna stand up. I'm gonna be like the Charlie Murphy character in the garden party episode of the Boondocks. I'm gonna be I would rather be shot in the chest with a shotgun than be at your fucking wedding. I'm gonna speak now. I will not hold my peace. I'll say some fucked up shit, and then everyone will stop and look at me, and I'll just say, fuck y'all looking at. You know? I don't want to be there. I don't want to be square. I don't care, dude. Yeah. Y'all are married. That's fine. If there's food and beer, I can entertain myself. Yeah. But all the ceremony shit, I don't want to do that. Dude, the ceremony should be literally just fam.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:25

The people who give a shit. Yeah. Just fam. Yeah. Everyone else is sitting there like waiting for this shit to be done. And you know that people who do this shit, because you've been to other people's weddings. You know how it feels. Yeah. So don't make anybody feel like, dude, that is like a big marker of fucking main character syndrome. What do you do with your wedding? That tells people everything they need to know about you.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:53

The ceremony should be only fams, and then uh this the the after party, whatever they call that, then you invite the homies. That's when whether you want steak or salmon matters. Right. You know? Right. Why do I gotta sit through an hour of some dude being like, we're gathered here today? I don't care, bro. I don't want to be gathered. I don't ever want to be gathered. Keep them separated. That's my motto. I want to be at the part where it's fine to be drunk as shit. You know?

SPEAKER_02 1:11:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:29

Music, booze. We're not playing the offspring, by the way. Delicious fucking uh or hors d'oeuvres. That's what I want. I want beanies, I want weenies, I want Bud Light. Yeah, dude. That's what I'm here for.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:46

Alright, yeah. I'm here to celebrate your union. That's all everybody's wedding should be. Like, if your wedding is not that, you're a piece of shit. Like, as far as like if it's worse, if it's the other way. If you invite if everybody has to come to the fucking ceremony in order to go to the thing, like, come on. No, I'm just I mean, obviously it can be done right. I'm we're talking about like, dude, like I haven't talked to you in forever. You know, like we're talking about like distant people you don't know. Obviously, if it's someone you've interacted with anytime recently, it's like, yeah, I'll I'll come to the ceremony, obviously. And a lot of like if you give a shit about them at all, the ceremony's not bad. Because I mean it it is boring, obviously. It's it's almost it has a church feeling to it, because it's like this sacred thing, you know. But you're not in the relationship, so it doesn't feel sacred to you. Just like when you're a kid and church doesn't feel sacred, that's because you don't believe in it. You were not susceptible to this fucking particular opiate of the masses.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:54

Yeah. Yeah. Uh if any part of it takes place inside of a church, I'm not coming. I don't care if I was invited or not. My RSVP says fucking no, I'm busy that day.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:05

Uh I was dragged to a Catholic wedding one time, and the whole entire thing was in a church. There was no fun. Right, right. It was like 150 people. There was a I was in a that's what I'm talking about. That's right. I had a balcony seat. At a a this isn't a fucking opera, nigga.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:26

I'm not going to see Shane Gillis.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:29

This ain't a motherfucking Broadway play, bitch. I'm in a balcony watching these two people I've never heard of get married.

unknown 1:13:40

I don't care.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:42

I'm not going to see Ben Folds in the city, bro. Why am I in a balcony?

SPEAKER_04 1:13:47

I ain't never letting no bitch drag me to some shit like that again. I tell you what, dude.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:52

Yeah, it's the worst, bro.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:53

I guess this is the end of our relationship if you think I'm coming to this. Oh, I'm gonna be sick that day. I tell you that. You've lost your gore, dude. I guess I'm getting a colonic that day. I'd rather get my ass pumped with water than sit through a fucking Catholic wedding ever again.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:12

I'd rather get my ass pumped with Brutus's cum than then fucking have to deal with that.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:17

It's not like, you know, the sometimes they'll do like the say grace prayer before you eat a meal, and they're like, you know, thanks for this, thanks for that. Good God, let's eat type of deal. Yeah. Nah, dude, they're like, we're gonna go through Corinthians, the whole book. That's what they're doing at Catholic weddings. It's fucking ridiculous. Anyway. Yeah. That's my list.

unknown 1:14:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:43

If you like what you heard, go to Patreon and give us a couple bucks.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:48

Yeah. We talk about uh video games. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:51

We talk about movies. Yeah. We tell stories this week. You hear about how how and when we came recently. There's lots of yeah. A lot of that.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:02

Lots of details.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:03

A lot of personal strifes and or drama from time to time.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:10

And I play video games on the $5 tier.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:12

Correct. About once a year I'll pop on there and show you some cool shit.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:18

Well, we're gonna play Madden soon.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:20

That's true, yeah. So we got that going on. I'm excited for that, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excited for some some food.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:28

Legitimately, the Raiders players are ranked so low. I'm I mean, I'm fucked. I already know that I'm fucked. Fucking Mendoza is a 74, I think. Kirk Cousins is a 73. You're gonna sub him in. I don't I might as well because he's one degree higher.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:48

Swap up your old depth chart. I probably will. But by the second or third week we play, I'm sure he'll be like an 82 or something.

SPEAKER_05 1:15:55

But I don't know. Surely.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:57

Well, if he plays, he's not supposed to play. It's supposed to be Kirk playing. Yeah. Part of me is, you know, I'm I'm like, man, I want to see Mendoza. But then part of me is like, but if he waits, he's more likely to be more successful later.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:11

Yeah. For the overall health of the team.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:13

Long haul. Yeah. He should wait. So I'll play Kirk Cousins and we'll see what happens. Whoever the starter of the of the team is at the time that we're recording the thing or that we're playing the game, that's who it is. All of that, the roster is what it is, is how I'm gonna play. And I think I I feel like that was kind of the spirit of the challenge. Yeah. Was that like whoever we got, you don't have AJ Brown anymore. He went to the Pats.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:41

I don't think it matters at all. Then you have to pee. Yeah. That's true. I am pinching my wiener. Yeah. Like a fucking eight-year-old. Uh yeah, patreon.com slash firemouth. Check it out. It's cool. Give us money. We'll make you laugh and or think or cry or be gay. It's fine. Just do it. Just say I'm not I'm not Satan. Right. But I will whisper in your ear when you go to sleep tonight, and I'll say.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:14

If you don't give me money, I'm gonna kill your parents. Do you remember what that time I got possessed on the podcast?

SPEAKER_04 1:17:22

That's been a long time, dude. I I kind of remember.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:28

When we the next time we do acid, we need to listen to that. It might be torturous.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:34

That would be crazy, dude. All right. I'm down.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:37

All right. Bye, everybody.