Fartmouth
The most raunchy, stupid, and irreverent comedy podcast on the internet. The podcast equivilent of getting a lobotomy.
Fartmouth
331 - George HARD R Martin
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This week's show features...
- Spergy Spooks
During the fart party recording, but I I think I sang it okay.
SPEAKER_00I just I don't I really like I don't know sometimes I wonder what it's like for other people to be around me and like just in the shadow of greatness. You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_01Like yeah like I clicked a couple milliseconds makes that much of a difference.
SPEAKER_00I clacked, I nailed it, it's done, and fuck off. Yeah, I'm the greatest there ever was.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Idiots.
SPEAKER_01I didn't realize you heard it. Thank you for clicking.
SPEAKER_02Where woke minds can find sleep Fort Meth Universe. In case you forgot, it's still fuck the police at Fort Meth University.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, they're not all gonna be funny. Sometimes it's just gonna be real shit.
SPEAKER_00Never wasn't, never won't not be.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, dude. So before you do your thing, because it'll your thing's not gonna be about this. Uh uh Tony Romo got his OWI charge in Wisconsin, right? The other day. Yeah. And when the cop asked him where he was going, he said without insurance. Yeah. Uh when the cop asked him, and he was drunk, but uh where he was going, he said, quote, grandma and grandpa's and something to the effect of my kids are there, right? Meaning his parents' house. You know, his kids' grandma and grandpa, right? So this influencer fuck on Twitter quoted Tony Romo saying grandma and grandpa's, and then he looked up his biological grandparents and he found all four of them's obituaries, and he reported it like it was a news story.
unknownWow.
SPEAKER_01The best comment said, You're under no obligation to tell law enforcement the truth. Like, I don't even give a fuck if he said grandma and grandpa's. So that got me thinking, dude. The next time I get pulled over when I'm wearing my work uniform and the cop asks me where I'm going at 7:30 a.m. I'm gonna say the zoo. I'm gonna say, like, anything but work, where obviously I'm I have a t-shirt with a fucking pocket on and I'm obviously going to work. Yeah. Fucking idiot. Uh, I'm gonna say lots of other things. Uh let's think of some more things we could say.
SPEAKER_00Um, well, I'm going if it's at 7:30 in the morning, yeah, strip club.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's good. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I'm on my way to the club.
SPEAKER_01I'm going to the bar.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I'm too much of a smart ass because I would be like, my coke dealer's house. The fuck do you think I'm doing, stupid?
SPEAKER_01I'm going to buy some fucking pills, dude.
SPEAKER_00Well, the thing is, they're like, they're wanting to build, they want to catch you in a lie. So they're like, oh, well, he's heading to this place. Right. Where are you coming from? Oh, he's coming from this place. Right. He's supposed to be going east, but he's going north. So the only answer is your fucking mom's house. Where are you coming from? Your fucking sister's house. I'm trying to make the rounds with your fam, dog.
SPEAKER_01Trying to climb up your family tree, as Wheeler Walker Jr. so eloquently put it.
SPEAKER_00That's right, boy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. That's a good one. Or you could say Tony Romo's grandma's house.
SPEAKER_00Right, yeah. She's dead. Yeah. Well, me too, on the inside.
SPEAKER_01You're right.
SPEAKER_00The graveyard's right over that way, right? Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You would say in Wisconsin.
SPEAKER_00Wisconsin.
SPEAKER_01If that's where his grandma's buried, I'm not sure.
SPEAKER_00She might be buried in a cemetery.
SPEAKER_01Who knows?
SPEAKER_00Because there's a difference. Did you know that?
SPEAKER_01Between a graveyard and a cemetery? Yeah, you know what the difference is? I do not. Uh socioeconomic status of the dead in question.
SPEAKER_00Uh, I mean, I probably could have thought of a joke off the cuff to tell you, but there is an actual difference because I learned. Well, tell me, dude. We're an education podcast first. The fun fact. Yeah. I'm acting this is actually a fun fact podcast. Fun fact, there's a difference between a graveyard and a cemetery. The difference is one is attached to a church and the other is not. Got it. If you had to guess which was which, what would you guess?
SPEAKER_01Well, graveyard is attached to a church, obviously.
SPEAKER_00Why?
SPEAKER_01Because it's the yard of the church. It's got graves in it. Whereas the cemetery cemetery is a churchy ass word. Yeah. That's what I agree. Yeah, but it's its own location. It's its own entity.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. It was so the funny thing about it. It could be named after a church, though. The funny thing about that fun fact is I learned it in South Carolina on a spooky, haunted carriage ride through the city with a girl I was dating at the time.
SPEAKER_03Sure.
SPEAKER_00And the lady who was doing the spooky carriage ride thing, I was sitting, I my knees were almost touching her leg. And she was five times hotter than the girl I was dating. And I just could not take my eyes off of her. Well, she is the tour guide, so obligated to listen. She was telling me really cool facts. Also, she was probably like 24, so I should probably just chill the fuck out. But she was very pretty and very smart, but she didn't have very very large boobs. So I stopped pursuing her, much to her misfortune. On vacation with my girlfriend. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01She doesn't know what she lost. She she'll never know.
SPEAKER_00Um we also found out about a lot about yellow fever. So yeah, true.
SPEAKER_01Um South Carolina.
SPEAKER_00But that came yellow fever came to me and went away very quickly. Me and Ming Ling never ended up hooking up. Yeah. Right. Uh anyway. Um yeah. Yeah, the intro, yeah. Hey, welcome. Hey, hey, welcome everyone to Farkhouse Podcast and stuff. Energy. A show's host wants to buy a racehorse. Because they're good for two things racing and pissing. And the last time I checked, I don't drink race.
SPEAKER_01Oh no.
SPEAKER_00Or something joke wise. Hell yeah.
SPEAKER_01Just say that after every punchline. Or something joke-wise.
SPEAKER_00I knew it that there was a concept was there. I wrote, I half wrote it, and then I forgot I only half-wrote it and didn't go back to it. And then I was forced to read it live.
SPEAKER_01So to get to the other side, or something.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01Joke-wise.
SPEAKER_00Knock knock. The KGB or something, joke-wise.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Aren't you glad I didn't say Obama? Aren't you glad I didn't say Obama? There's legs to that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's got teeth, bro.
SPEAKER_00That's got beak. That's got ears. Yeah. Like a racehorse.
SPEAKER_01That Obama joke's got ears.
SPEAKER_00Big flappy ones. Yep. Uh, segment. Right. We haven't done this one in a while. No. Some of you folks might miss it. Some of you folks might be like, God fucking damn it. Another one I have to skip.
SPEAKER_01I hope not. I fucking hope not, dude.
SPEAKER_00They'd be stupid. Probably shouldn't talk about the drop. Oh, yeah. That's only like 15 more minutes.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's not. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Let's be silent on the worst part.
SPEAKER_02Nice dog.
SPEAKER_00That was mean. I'm sorry. I just jump scared some poor little Mimaw at a stoplight.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Those guys will say the N-word on the radio.
SPEAKER_01That's Tony Romo's grandma, dude. Don't do that. You want to die twice, bitch? Go then. Oh man. I almost I wrote some notes down for that so I remember to say all the beats of it. Uh, because I'm a professional. And I uh I almost wrote OBits shorthand, but I was like, I'm gonna say obits, like I'm still a journalist working at a newspaper. Yeah. But so I wrote it out obituaries.
SPEAKER_00Was the whole writing down the whole thing and saying it properly a shot at me for fucking up my intro joke?
SPEAKER_01No, not at all. It was not actually. Uh, because usually I don't write shit down and I stumble through it. But if I if I write the beats of it down at least to kind of bullet point it, then I know I'm hitting all the right spots. I'm telling the story in a right in like the correct order.
SPEAKER_00No, yeah, I get it. We're taking shots at each other.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's a personal attack. It's not my anxiety at all. It's a personal attack.
SPEAKER_00Um later on, I'm gonna drop a hammer on you when you least expect it. Alright. It's gonna be like you said something, and I'm just gonna be like, you're gay. You're gay with a hammer. Like that. Like Super Mario.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_01You say Mario. You're gay. I say Mario. Uh so I have Burgy Spooks is the segment. Yes, it is. I have a couple of options for mine. I don't know. I I don't know if you want me to go first. I don't have to. You can go first.
SPEAKER_00Well, question Do you have like a long and a short? Do you have a little bit of a little bit more?
SPEAKER_01I have one decently long one. The I I'm kind of trying to pick between a couple.
SPEAKER_00Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_01And they're they're decently long.
SPEAKER_00I have one, I have two, but I have one that I know for a fact I'm doing. The other one I don't give a shit about right now because when I found the one, I was like, yes. Thank God I found this because it is I'm excited about it. It looks like it's gonna be juicy. Oh so that's all I have to say. I don't care who goes first. We could flip a coin. We could go, we could 10 paces.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we could duel over it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Duel about it. I got this $40 gun that I'm real excited about. Yeah. It's got one big fat fucking rusty ball inside of it that's covered in gangrene. I dipped it in uh weapon poison plus plus.
SPEAKER_01So well, I'm ch I I mean, both both of mine that I could choose from are pretty long, but uh I I went I just went with titles.
SPEAKER_00Did you want me to go first so that you can figure out which one you want to do?
SPEAKER_01Uh no. My my argument would be you go first or I go first, that way then I can smoke weed and listen to yours. That would that's that's selfish, Jake. Selfish lover. That's selfish, Jake. Talking. Now anxiety ridden, why did I just say that, Jake? Is like you can go first, man. Whatever you want to do. You know?
unknownRead them.
SPEAKER_01Uh uh one of them is I found secret tapes in the woods, what I saw terrified me. The other one is, and this title is very intriguing, and that's why I saved it. My sister was abducted by a podcast host.
SPEAKER_00Oh god. I would rather not hear about what I've been doing lately. Is this written by Tony Romo over?
SPEAKER_01It's supposed to be fun, man.
SPEAKER_00Why am I this story's written by the cop that pulled Tony Romo over who I introduced earlier?
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Actually, it was a lady cop that pulled Tony Romo over, I'm pretty sure. Oh, wow. Um, so you can imagine the comments.
SPEAKER_00Uh that's the main one, I'm sure. Alright.
SPEAKER_01If you know, I don't know if you were joking, but we're gonna do the tape in the woods.
SPEAKER_00Alright. I would like to hear that one. That sounds intriguing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I wonder what was on it. I cannot wait to discover what was on the tape that he found in the woods. It was really skilled.
SPEAKER_01Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Holding on. I've done this one before. No way. Hold on. Uh yeah. Okay. I found a compound in the woods and uh found you.
SPEAKER_00That one was actually really fun. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Okay, we're doing podcasts.
SPEAKER_00That was dude, that one was so fun because we got on that thread about how they were Canadians. Yeah, right. And how they were like, they're just they just live in the woods and you're fucking being weird.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and this one is not like written as though someone has developmental disabilities, I don't think.
SPEAKER_00Uh-huh. Well, mine is.
SPEAKER_01This one is not like that. But the paragraphs are really spaced weird. Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_00Got it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Alright, well, I'm gonna put on some musical bed music. We haven't done this segment in so long. I'm awkward at introducing it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's fine.
SPEAKER_00Spooky spooks. Yay. I clicked the button. No, I didn't. I clicked. No, I did. Fuck.
SPEAKER_01My sister was abducted by a podcast host. She had a hunch, she told me as she slung her bag around her shoulder. It's usually over, but sure. She'd packed she'd packed a mini camcorder, a number of her journals, some filled with others, some filled and others empty. I'm getting ahead of myself, guys. Are there two of them now?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I'm trying to stop. There we go.
SPEAKER_01And uh some filled and others empty, and whatever else she could think to use for documentation. Whoa.
SPEAKER_00I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_01Uh there we go.
SPEAKER_00I'm happy now.
SPEAKER_01The classic, I'm sure I'm wrong, but I have to know for sure. Right. Attitude that drove most of her actions through life still controlled her now in this most recent decision. I suppose that's what I had made her fuck. Hold on.
SPEAKER_00Deep breath.
SPEAKER_01There's something about reset your eyes.
SPEAKER_00You know, it's my eyes. It's because the mic is splitting it, right? Yep, that's what it is. It's fucking hard as hell to read when you both your eyes are competing.
SPEAKER_01Okay, there we go. Now we're better.
SPEAKER_00There we go.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Uh still controlled her now in this most recent decision. I suppose that's what had made her good at her job. One of the best, many would say. I would say she was the best. Fearless, committed, and recklessly obsessed with unearthing the truth. Three traits that made her one of the most valuable investigative reporters her station would ever have. Despite that, though, they barely seemed concerned when she disappeared. I suppose they expect that's just part of the job. It happens. You poke your nose in enough places it doesn't belong, and you eventually, it's poking a bear. That was not me, that was them. And you eventually, it's poking a bear. Maybe we got a sleeper chef going on here. That was terrible.
SPEAKER_00I don't I don't think I follow this guy's logic, though. He's like, this lady disappeared and her employers didn't give a shit. Yeah, that's that is because the nature of her job is she deserves to be kidnapped.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, right. That is odd. Odd logic. And I guess they were even less bothered given that she was going hunting for clues relating to her passion project. Was this fucking Velma? They weren't anticipating it would make them money, so they couldn't care less. But she'd told them what she'd told me. She'd only be gone for a few weeks. She'd taken her built-in holiday for it, or built-up holiday for it. And you'd expect they would have done something when eight months later she had left not so much as a text. But no. After calling them multiple times across the span of days, they told me, in the most formal and professional wording, that they hadn't heard from her, and that they didn't really give a shit. Given the hundred thousand dollars plus per year that she was making, she was more than happy to let me live with her. She had no problems with it, and aside from the accusations that I was mooching off my sister, I didn't mind it either. It's not that I didn't have a job, but working as a bartender, I can't say I was as valuable to my workplace as I had assumed Sarah was to hers. So when I decided to go looking for her, my work also didn't seem to care to lose me. I had a rough idea of where I was going. She told me her flight details, excited to finally have time to look into this phenomenon she was so captivated by, and, after rummaging through her room for a good hour, I found a few of her journals and notes that she had not taken with her, which filled in a few extra details. Mind control. Bullshit, I thought, but she made some interesting points.
SPEAKER_00I'm a little open to it. I mean, I do listen to InfoWars, so I was bought in the world.
SPEAKER_01I mean, the frogs were turned gay, so he was technically never wrong one time.
SPEAKER_00I love when people say that. Unprovably correct.
SPEAKER_01Like, no, he's just he's just Republican Nostradamus. Calm down. Uh, she wasn't claiming that it's possible to swing a pocket watch in front of someone's face and make them think they're an animal. She was talking about suggestibility, about subliminal messaging, about how if someone in a movie eats and enjoys a Big Mac, some portion of the audience will start craving a Big Mac. A poor example from me, but I'm not claiming to fully understand it. Apparently, that's possible through auditory stimuli. Is there a line between encountering something and interpreting it? If you listen to a song and there's a voice in the background telling you to do something, does your brain register it? Sometimes. Does the message reach you without you consciously knowing it's there? According to Google, yeah, that's a thing. Oh it's a pretty well-known phenomenon, which is kind of a scary thought. And just like me, I'm sure you also immediately switched to imagining the nefarious things that could be achieved with this concept. And Sarah was dead sure that she had found an example. It's complicated, and I can't pretend that I understood the half of it, but I got the gist. She had that that's not that du okay. She had found a source that was trying to manufacture human compliance to foster both ignorance and conformity for means that even she was yet to discover. So eight months prior, she booked a plane ticket, well, we and left the state on the same route that I soon found myself retrapping.
SPEAKER_00I bet you the example that she found was uh sissy hypnoporn.
SPEAKER_01Oh, you think?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Is that what you think it is in this story? You think it's gonna take that kind of a turn?
SPEAKER_00The fucking indignant, sarcastic, oh, you think?
SPEAKER_01Dude, I've been dude. I've been on a chur kick lately, and I I enjoy hitting someone with a churf. And that's basically what that was with different words.
SPEAKER_00Uh just fucking kneecap me, I don't think.
SPEAKER_01You think you want to commit to that absurd I think idea that you just said? I tried to say I think. I'd rather say idea than thing.
SPEAKER_00As far as I'm concerned, I'm a silly goose. Okay, so back off.
SPEAKER_01Calm your tits. I tell my chick to calm her tits sometimes, and I put my hand in front of him and I go, shh. Like they're a horse or something.
SPEAKER_00You should put the one finger on her nipple.
SPEAKER_01I put my hand up.
SPEAKER_00Shh, that's so funny.
SPEAKER_01Like I'm crocodile dundee when a wild animal shows up. Okay. Just reading about it made my head swim, turning page over page of her notes only to feel more and more unease. To read about what she claimed was a podcast whose only existence was to twist its audience. If this is Joe Rogan, I'm gonna shit myself.
SPEAKER_00If it's Sissy Hypno podcast, I think you're gonna have to fucking gobble up some crow. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01That I will too, audibly on this podcast.
SPEAKER_00I will go outside and I will lure a crow with shiny objects into your yard and I will hammer it over the head with the I'm gay hammer from earlier.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00And I'll make you fucking eat it. Sure, dude. Okay. Well, let's use some Q sauce.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Can I do Polynesian from uh Chick-fil-A?
SPEAKER_00I mean, it wasn't a gay crow. It got hit with an I'm gay ham. Right, right.
SPEAKER_01But it's ironic if I'm using the gay sauce or anti-gay sauce. Okay. Uh uh was a podcast whose only uh existence was to twist its audience. That both orally and visually, its only purpose was a subliminal one, that what is meant to sound like conversation is a carefully crafted script designed to warp the mind, that its visuals might be edited down to the individual pixel, frame by frame, just to control one's thoughts and emotions. Sarah had found it fascinating. I found it fearful. Oh, nice F words there, dog. I had heard of subliminal messaging before, but I uh but ironically paid no mind to it. God damn. Just reading that in my mind made me stop. That's why I stumbled on that one.
SPEAKER_00I don't want to be semantical, but a thing can't be fearful because that's an emotion that you feel. Right, right, right.
SPEAKER_01Uh I had heard of subliminal messaging before, but ironically paid no mind to it. Like in The Simpsons. If you play a message backwards, suddenly a whole town is joining the Navy. I thought that was hyperbole and paid it no mind. But this seems so much more powerful and so much less fair. Sarah claimed that this could start and end wars, and it might. Sarah had found it fascinating. You already said that, but I only felt more nauseated, and as the plane began to circle to land, I couldn't help but feel an immense sense of trepidation of what I might be stepping into. I'd always hated flying, and by the time the plane touched back to Earth, I was just glad that my tinnitus could finally dissipate as the pressure in the cabin finally balanced. If you don't bring up tinnitus again, I swear to God. I touched down in a quiet little city, a decent drive from the airport. Unlike California, where I'd flown from, this place had clearly experienced winter, and even now, as we approached spring, was still brushed with the light dusting of the previous season's snow. No apostrophe there. I'm taking points off. Without without having packed in anticipation of the cold, I was eager to get inside and warm as soon as I could. How would you not? How would you not? If you knew you were going Oh my god. Uh and didn't stop to observe my surroundings with any more than a passing glance as I made my way, they didn't put way to the door of the B and B I was staying in. They did not put air and it threw me off. The owner was awaiting my arrival, and much like the building, his welcome was particularly warm. A nice dude. Tall, lanky, bald, and overly extroverted. He seemed approachable enough, and given there wasn't much other lodging in the area, I took the liberty of asking him if another girl by our name uh had passed by the place. He seemed to stop for a second, and an unreadable look flashed across his face before he quickly plastered over it with mock thought. Not that I remember, he told me, but I knew he was lying when he opened the door to my room and I saw her suitcase sitting in the corner of the room. I didn't make a move to remove it. He knew I'd seen it. Oh that girl. This this part up until this point I had hope. And I no longer have hope. Oh that girl, a quick switch up, putting on his most convincing facsimile of laughter he could muster. She was here months ago, packed up her bags and went up to see Mr. Skins. Forgot to take her suitcase, though. He laughed again. I guess you can hold on to it for her. Where'd you say she went? I reached for the door before he had a chance to shut up and escape. The house on the hill. He pointed past my shoulder to a window on the opposite side of the room, perfectly framing a lone house at the top of the hill. Mr. Skins house on the hill. Sounds perfectly inviting, doesn't it? Doesn't sound like every horror cliche ever, does it? But Sarah went there, so I knew I must. She'd written about him in some parts of her journal, so other than his house's less than hospitable appearance, I was already anticipating meeting the guy. The lone building shrouded in the early morning fog, a black and withered house tipped with snow like the peak of a mountain, and leaking fuck, looking as equally unforgiving, picturesque in my window, as the sun set behind it, casting cold and hungry shadows down into my room that night. Parts of it are written so well and and like, but the overall idea of getting hit over the head with this guy lied about her sister as the first person she meets. And they lie about her sister. There's no one else. There's not a barista, there's no one she runs into before she runs into a fucking lanky bald dude who lies to her about her sister and she finds her sister's suitcase. If there's qu okay.
SPEAKER_00I wonder if her sister runs fast. And if she does, maybe she moves at mock thought.
SPEAKER_01Hell yeah, bro.
SPEAKER_00I was waiting for my opportunity.
SPEAKER_01She's just playing Mr. Skins Skins flute this whole eight months. Colder still was the house itself. I could feel the crisp morning air searching its way across the You said the sun was setting.
SPEAKER_00Some people do confuse. People do confuse uh rising and setting.
SPEAKER_01Is this Alaska? What the fuck? Uh yeah, so as the sun set behind it.
SPEAKER_00Forty gays and forty nights.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, they they fucked up. Uh I could feel the crisp morning air searching its way across the cheap jacket I had bought that morning, looking for a likely point of weakness to reach my skin. Uh a sign stood proud in front of the house, still standing despite decades of decay. The paint had long since cracked and crumbled from the wrinkled wood, and many of the letters now were nothing more than ghosts of themselves. Only a few letters remained, now spelling M space SK space in S. I'm sure Sarah was well versed on the history, lineage, and owner of the house, but I was no Sarah, and I knew I never would be. Frankly, I couldn't care less who lay beyond unless my sister was with them, and neither name nor lineage I believed would be pertinent. I stood shivering and watching my breath cloud before my eyes as I impatiently waited for an answer to the doorbell. I could hear movement inside, though the door had no window with which to see inside, and I was left to guess what kind of person was creating the heavy footsteps that approached from behind it. I needn't have waited long, as the old and long withered doorway soon creaked open to reveal what lay beyond. Laby. Sounds like if you heard of if Eminem had to make it rhyme, you know.
SPEAKER_00I was thinking like Bed Bath and Beyond, but it's a store of all different shapes and sizes of labia.
SPEAKER_01Clam Gash and Le Beyond. Uh Bespackled and Ulatritricious? No fucking. What the fuck? U latricious. Is that U-L-O-T-R-I-C-H-O-U-S. U latricious? Ulitricious? Oh my god. For the first time, I'm gonna have to look up a word.
SPEAKER_00I don't know that I've ever heard that one before. This is so here we go. That's there's a lot of pretentious language usage.
SPEAKER_01Having woolly, tightly coiled, or crisply curly hair. So it was like a Gen Z kid with the lettuce hair or the broccoli hair, I mean?
SPEAKER_00Is there a speaker button to hear the pronunciation?
SPEAKER_01Oh.
SPEAKER_00Uh uh there should be. Usually Goog has that.
SPEAKER_01Uh it don't, right? Dude, what the fuck? Does dictionary.com have it? Yeah, it does. Eulatricus. Eulatricus. You lotricus. Eulotricus. Well, it says low, but it but like it it reads low, but then it sounds like ah, like ah. What the fuck? What about dictionary? Does it? It do not. Alright, I'm gonna stop doing that. Uh let's go back to Reddit.
SPEAKER_00Curly haired.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Back bespectacled. He's got glasses and curly hair.
SPEAKER_00What a fucking pretentious content.
SPEAKER_01He's a Greengots goblin. He stood before me, waiting for me to either introduce or explain myself. A man, tall and imposing, though his face seemed friendly. Younger than I had expected, I'd estimate mid-thirties, and not at all what I had expected for who lived at Mr. Skin's house on the hill. He seemed confused at my visit, but didn't stop to ask why I was there, instead offering me inside without question. So Robert, was it? I asked as I settled into the armchair he had directed me to. The house was massive, though you wouldn't guess it by the view from the front door. The hallway was cramped and narrow, lending all possible space to the rooms it led to, though it was still long, stretching further than the light allowed me to see. Just Bob is fine, he replied, reappearing from around the corner with two cans in his hand. He cracked one open and handed it to me, before repeating for his own, you mind if I play some music?
SPEAKER_00I can't help it, dude. I all I can picture throughout this whole fucking story is the airplane movie with Leslie Nielsen and two cans in his hand, and then there's literally fucking Fruit Loop birds.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah. I I shrugged, eyeing my can suspiciously.
SPEAKER_00He's looking down at her own tents. Eyeing my can suspiciously.
SPEAKER_01I don't trust these boobs.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. They need to calm down. Yeah. Uh mug root beer. That's what it is. Seemed normal. I took a sip. Tasted normal too. Two on edge, I told myself. There was nothing yet to be suspicious of. Your sister's fucking suitcase was in the neighbor's house, bro. Like, oh my god. Uh there was nothing yet to be suspicious of, despite numerous cliches that would have had me screaming at my TV if a movie character had ignored had ignored them. You need to put the rest of the sentence. But this was real life, and I had no real evidence to support my trepidation. You really like that word, don't you? Bob seemed like a normal enough guy, though his seeming fondness for jazz was one I couldn't say I related to. I watched as he hummed along with the music to himself before relaxing in the chair opposite me, now turning his attention back to me.
SPEAKER_00Jazz, that's spook music.
SPEAKER_01So now So now, remind me, what brings you here? He smiled warmly, taking a sip from his own can, mildly unspecific, but in a word, if I were to describe the man sitting before me, the only word I could think of to fit is Obstantrichius. Obstantrapolidist.
SPEAKER_00He was a dinosaur.
SPEAKER_01Anti-disestablishmentarianism. Yeah. Um, all right. Uh before me, the only word I could think to fit is nice. It's so the opposite of what we thought it would be. He just seemed like such a nice guy. He sounds like a Pixar character to me. Uh warm, kind, charismatic, and funny too. Though he was tall, wide, and imposing, if it weren't for his alluring personality, he would be unnervingly intimidating. Despite that, though, I was foolishly pacified by his disalarmingly jovial and comedic nature. I'd be lying if I said I'd not let my guard down, if only a little. I'm I've been looking for my sister Sarah. She went missing a few months ago, and I heard she came to visit with you, so I thought you might be able to point me in the right direction, or maybe you know or something? I don't know. I stammered, taking another nervous sip from my can as my confidence suddenly failed me. My doubts crept in and saturated my mind as I suddenly found myself afraid to seem as though I may be accusing someone who at least appeared so nice. Sarah? Reporter girl, right? I remember her. She came by to ask me a few questions, he started, leaning forward in his chair a little. She had a few questions about my work, just asking me Well, I mean, how much do you know? Honestly, not much really. She left a few of her journals behind that I've seen, but I can't say I understood any of it. I don't know, I'm just looking for her. I know she came here, so I thought you might know where she went after or what she said when she was here, or yeah. I trailed off, it says tailed off, fighting my own impulse to fill the empty space after my words with another sip of my drink. I didn't move. Bob's face turned pensive as he looked around the room in thought before his attention drifted back to me. Not enjoying your drink? I can get you something else if you'd prefer. His smile grew wider, watching me from under his eyebrows as he clutched his own can to his chest. No, uh it's fine. It's nice, I said, going to take another sip to support my words.
SPEAKER_00I mean it's Mug Rupier, the story brought to you by Mug Rupier.
SPEAKER_01Only to find my arm suddenly turning numb. With speed I would not have thought he was capable of. He darted across the space between him and I, catching my can as it slipped out of my now loosening grip. He pressed the can against the back of my hand, waiting for me to take it back, or confirm to both of us that I was completely unable to. As my body disappeared to my own senses, I soon found myself only able to stare as I lost my own abilities of pro prioception.
SPEAKER_00Yes. I actually know this way.
SPEAKER_01Proprioception?
SPEAKER_00Oh, dude. I can't I wish I could see this girl's browser history.
SPEAKER_01Pro preoception. The reception of stimuli produced within an organ. Organism? Organism. God damn it. You fucking idiot. I know you've been watching your drink. Good instincts, but wrong assumption. I assure your I I assure you there's nothing in the drink. He laughed to himself, though I knew you hadn't done your research when you let me put the music on. Your sister was such harder to tr was much harder to trick. Effortlitless. God damn it, I can't read now. Dude, that word fucked me in the ass. Proprioception, butt fucked me, dude.
SPEAKER_00Made you prolapseousession.
SPEAKER_01It procreated in my anus. Yeah. That's what it did. Uh okay. I okay. Though I knew you hadn't done your research when you let me put the music on, your sister was much harder to trick. Effortlessly, he hoisted me up onto his shoulder and carried me out of the room.
SPEAKER_00Wouldn't it have been a lot easier just to put something in the drink?
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_00Because she drank it.
SPEAKER_01Or just chloroform her real quick. Like, come on, dog, you're big.
SPEAKER_00This nigga had to develop his own fucking like brown note of knockout music.
SPEAKER_01Pink note. No, it doesn't get her horny. That would be pink note. Uh black note, I guess.
SPEAKER_00Oh, because she's gonna get rape?
SPEAKER_01Well, it was jazz.
SPEAKER_00You jive turkey, you.
SPEAKER_01I didn't mean the rape thing that you said. I just meant the racist thing that I said. Uh you know, jazz cigarettes and shit, you know. Right. Uh okay, um. My body now made of jelly, I slumped over him, cheek pressed against the back of his shirt as I could only drool into the purple fabric. She got too close, you know? Smart girl, she'd done her homework. He stated started, sorry, as he slowly carried me into the shadows of the hallway. I don't get the feeling you're the same, but I can't risk it. If you might know or have read anything, her journals, you said, I have to be sure. You get it. He chuckled to himself as my eyelids grew increasingly heavy, and consciousness began to fail me. Then black. I awoke to the I thought he was white based on the description. Then black. I awoke to the sound of ringing in my ears. An auditory needle to my senses that unpleasant couldn't begin to describe.
SPEAKER_00I think they call that tinnitus.
SPEAKER_01Right. I'm bringing it back. I wish I could say I brought it on myself as a teen blasting my music through my headphones, but that was only the start. It had only worsened since I'd started my new medication a year before, and now my tinnitus had gone from uncomfortable to downright painful sometimes. I can't be too mad about it though, as I suppose it's uh it's what alerted me to this new situation. I shifted my stiffened limbs to dispel the pins and needles that had crept into them. That almost sounds like an MM line.
SPEAKER_00It did.
SPEAKER_01I shifted my stiffened limbs to dispel the pins and needles that had crept into them squeaking on the leather chair I had I was now sat upon. My ears were ringing with the noise, and I lifted my hand to my head in an attempt to massage my temples and ease the ringing in my head, only to find a large pair of headphones clamped over my ears. With weak fingers, I pried them off, finally blinking my eyes open and waiting for the black spots to disappear. I was in a dim room only lit by the dimmer ambient light of the numerous blinking and beeping machines that littered the space. It took a while for my eyes to adjust, the blurry splotches across my vision slowly sharpening into a full image. I was in a basement or some other form of windowless room. Opposite to me was an old set of stairs leading up out of the room to a door shrouded in even more shadow than the rest of the room. You said room a lot. And in the opposite corner was a chair with a girl. She looked familiar, or she would have a long she would have done long ago. Okay, you fucked that up. To accommodate the tangle of tubes that each wormed their way into her skin. Oh my god, that's crazy. Her sleeves had been rolled up, only serving to give me a better look at the bony withered flesh they fed into. Her skin looked as though it were vacuumed to her skeletal frame. Her cheekbones and ribs jutted from her, like they were trying to escape. At her face was what appeared to be a nebulizer, bound so tightly over her bony face that the little flesh that remained was still squeezed and repositioned by the straps that stretched to the back of her head. Her stomach, however, however, was unnaturally distended. Despite her near-skeletal frame that shouldn't have been able to support the weight, she appeared as though she were three years pregnant, having long since torn out of her once tight-fitted clothing from the expansive pressure. Her eyes, though open, were glazed over and milky, staring off into space without a thought behind them. She looked like a corpse woman. A skeleton that she was breathing. Short and shallow breaths like a dog, or as though she was hyperventilating. Sucking in every gasp of the gas this is so wordy. Sucking in every gasp of the gas that was being pumped into her lungs with hungry desire, and affixed over her nebulizer, cradling her since greasly haired head was a pair of space of headphones.
SPEAKER_00Nebulized her.
SPEAKER_01As soon as the coordination found me, I was on my feet, wobbling over to her. I kept talking to her, saying her name and shaking her fragile shoulders to try to get any sort of response out of her, unclipping the mask and letting it swing to one side. Oh, typical woman was so gravy. A pained smile was stretched over her pallid face as the rhythm of her short breaths continued. She was laughing. Confusing? Yes. But I didn't have time to question it as the sound of movement began to emanate from the house above us. In a panic, I began to try to undo the binds at her wrists and ankles that bound her to her seat. But all were leather and locked with a key I didn't have. The binds bound her. I tugged, yeah, I know. There's too much of that. I with how many passages are actually really cool and well written, like there's way too many like clunky, shitty ones. Tugged desperately and fruitlessly at the unyielding material. I beamed, uh uh fuck. A beam of light shot across the room as the door at the top of the stairs was opened, causing me to flinch instinctively. Too late to free her. I quickly fumbled.
SPEAKER_00I flinched.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I quickly fumbled with her nebulizer again, trying to clumsily latch it back closed. Bob didn't even slow as the old and tattered stairs creaked with every step he took, only causing my panic to spike further. Praying I wouldn't be seen, I darted across the room and hid behind one of the large beeping machines in the corner of the room. Again, just say in the corner. Stop, stop sooner. I have considered returning to my seat and feigning unconsciousness, but given that that meant putting the headphones back on, I don't think I could have taken another splitting headache. And if that wasn't enough, the thought of being bound to my chair, unable to escape, and possibly transformed into whatever Sarah had become was enough to dispel the idea entirely. His shadow appeared on the wall in the crack of my vision, and the s and the that the space between two whirring machines permitted, tall, wide, and strong like a defensive tackle, as a 5'10 midget of a man, I didn't fancy my I thought this was a woman the whole time. Me fucking too. I didn't fancy my chances against him in a brawl. He didn't say a word as he glanced around the room before going to where Sarah sat. Also Yeah, it's definitely a girl, dude. He said uh the Bob said it was a girl earlier.
SPEAKER_005'10 is not a midget.
SPEAKER_01No. So this is this is a fucking shitty woman who wrote this story. This is a fucking uh size queen ass bitch.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, my short king at 5'10.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, dude, what the fuck? What the hell? How tall are you, you Amazonian cunt? God damn. Oh my god. Okay, uh he didn't say a word as he glanced around the room before going to where Sarah sat and very carefully reattaching the fumbled clip on her mask that I had failed to clasp correctly. Before standing up and staring at the empty chair I'd woken up in. Not a word, just letting the silence fill the room as he scanned the darkness through his glasses before looking directly at where I sat. In a wordless silence he began to lumber over to me, pretending as though he didn't know, checking behind random objects and looking at the now empty chair that I had once sat in with mock confusion. Passive aggressive fuck. I took my chance while I had it. His back turned to me, facing the chair, I bolted for the stairs, but he was fast, impossibly fast. He whipped around at the first sound, clutching at the air where I had been only milliseconds before as I darted for my life. He was quick on the pursuit, as nimble as ever, as he followed me through the maze of littered tech on the floors. I gasped with relief as my foot found the first step, creaking under my weight with a squeaking sound of victory. Two steps, three steps, then five, racing up the stairs for dear life till a large hand wrapped tightly around my ankle. I fell hard, straight onto the stairs. My temple collided with the corner of the stairs first with a loud crack that resounded. Through my skull, sounding first in my head before my ears registered it. My jaw followed as I was dragged down by the man gripping me below, crunching against the next step with a similarly wet crack. God damn, this is a long story. My arms folded under me like paper as my leg lifted into the air, pulled by the strong arm now lifting me high off the ground. I cried out. I quietly gurgle now as my mouth filled with the blood of my half severed tongue. I must have bit in I must have bit in the fall. Technically speaking, I bit the rest of my face too as my cheek dragged across the step and into one of my teeth that was now lodged in the aged wood, dragging its way just past my eyelid and down my cheek in a dark red gash. I clawed my fingers into the back of the step, trying anything to slow the inevitable dominance of my captor. My knuckles white with the strain as I clung on for dear life, but he was far stronger and had the added bonus of gravity on his side. In one last-ish effort, all I could do was to flail and kick and writhe in hopes of escape. How much longer? Like five of these more.
SPEAKER_00I find it absurd that this guy is kidnapping, impregnating, and doing all this weird shit. Yeah. She took the time to be indignant about him being passive aggressive. Yeah, right, right, right. I found that very absurd.
SPEAKER_01This is a cunt, dude. Obviously. With a sudden grunt, his grip loosened. Looking back over my shoulder, I saw his hand fly to his face as his nose began to stream a dark red. I writhed again, landing a second solid blow to his face, causing his hand to release, and I crashed back down onto the stairs. With one more kick to his midsection, he was toppling backwards. He rolled down the stairs, coming to land headfirst with a dull crunch on the concrete floor. I didn't stop to see if he was moving. Instead, making one last desperate move for the door at the top of the stairs. The house above was near pitch darkness, and after checking my pockets to find my phone, I soon found myself with my arms outstretched, attempting to feel my way through the black hallways in search of escape. I could hear him moving, fast to his feet and on the pursuit, every thunderous footstep a little louder and a little closer. I had to move fast as the steady stream of blood from my tongue was surely enough to tip him off to wherever I could have hidden otherwise. I was now in the back of the house that had been previously imperceivable when I had entered. I had looked almost entirely black, it had looked almost entirely black from my vantage point when I had arrived, but compared to the darkness of the basement, it was all too easy to see now. The whole house was a nonsensical tangle of angular halls and rooms jutting off at angles in ways that made no logical sense. With every door I opened, my questions only became more convoluted, as each door revealed rows of shrunken and skeletal tangles of limbs, much like my sister, though many of them were skinnier. Some of them were missing eyes or limbs. Many of them appeared jagged and broken as the force of their compressed skin sucked to their skeletons had overwhelmed the fetal malnourished bones, feeble malnourished bones, that had given out under the pressure and cracked and broken. Their arms, legs, and ribs now zigzag shards protruding from their leathery and dried out skin. Some of them had even lost their faces that had long since shattered and caved inwards, and a few of them had split open from their oversized stomachs, which had torn open like an overful bin liner. Spill it's an English cunt. Spilling printed fabrics of varying colors across the grimy floor. Uh I had retched at the sight of the first room, slamming the door behind me. Why would you slam the fucking door? Rob's are gonna get your ass, dude. God damn. But with every withered door that I opened, I found myself more and more accustomed to the grotesque sight and less and less affected. The only thing that mattered to me was escaping the clutches of my captor, whose slow but insistent footsteps followed me throughout every misshapen hall. At last I opened a door and came upon a room where, behind the pile of shriveled and dried up corpses, was a window. Locked for sure, and not worth the time to try it, but still the most beautiful sight I had ever seen, if only for what it represented. Framed in the window and picturesque like a photo sat the moon. I knew I was close. If I could just keep my bearings and follow the direction of the light, I knew I could find my way. I rounded the corner to a familiar door at the end of the hallway, the front door, thank God. I dived for it, you dove for it, sure. Uh, just in time as the sound of a muscular body slamming into the wall echoed behind me from where I just stood. I clawed my way up for the lock, but soon felt a familiar grip around my leg, clawing itself like uh me up clawing itself like me. Up my leg to pull me back down. I turned back to see the face of Bob. Now no it would be crazy if it was someone else. Now no longer smiling or friendly, as blood streamed from his purple, broken nose. He was breathing hard as he dragged me back towards him, gripping both my legs in one of his massive hands so as to prevent my ability to kick him again. Letting go of the door, I turned around and landed another solid blow to his face. His nose squelched with the impact, and he cried out in pain, but his grip only tightened, slowly crushing my legs in the vice grip of his hand. I punched him again and again as he flailed in his free hand with his free hand, trying to catch one of my fists before switching up to crush my windpipe instead. One last punch and I felt his nose dislodge, sinking deep back beneath his cheekbones, causing his grip to finally loosen. As my vision began to blur and my lungs began to spasm, pleading for another intake of oxygen, I used my last bit of strength to drive my thumb as deep as I could into his eye, not stopping when I felt the little orb pop at the impact, nor when the black fluid within Is it really black within began leaking from my f down my hand. Not only, not until his grip finally came free from my legs and I could shake myself free, which should be just one leg, but sure, landing one last kick to his nose as I grabbed the latch of the door and flew out the front. I collapsed on the front doorstep of a random person's house, and in the patches of my memory since then, I have to assume they called an ambulance. I my brain said ambulance, you know, like Black Betty, ambulance, but I like the meme. Yeah. Sorry, ambulance. Because the next thing I knew I was in a hospital. Apparently, I showed up with a dislocated jaw, cracked skull, and a laryngeal fracture. As well as a hairline fracture along my ankle. Dude had a strong grip, I guess.
SPEAKER_00Get more into the medical detail.
SPEAKER_01Thankfully, nothing was too too permanent.
SPEAKER_00I had a torn Achilles tendon.
SPEAKER_01Though I though they had no explanation, it was a it was a type 3 Achilles tendon tear, they told me.
SPEAKER_00And it was only it was only like a string, but my LCL was sort of the fuck up.
SPEAKER_01It was just like a quarter of a centimeter, they said. Um that I've okay, uh, though I had no explanation for my hearing issues that I've been experiencing since. I'm back home now. And I've uh goddamn, my brain is like fucked from reading for so long and then turning my head. Yeah. And have tried to see numerous specialists, though I doubt I can afford to see another since the funds have dried up. I kept telling them, I keep waking up with auditory hallucinations, and my tinnitus has never been worse. But according to the scans and expertise they had to offer, they essentially said, in academic speak, I don't know. I'm no doctor, but that sounds like a load of bullshit if you ask me. Turns out the psycho I met was quite the online presence. Has quite the online presence. One of his videos showed up on YouTube about a week ago, gave me a right old headache. And I had to turn it off. But now, call it the algorithm or whatever you want to attribute it to. But damn near every night I've fallen asleep, I've woken up to a podcast playing on my sonos, and his typical friendly facade talking through the little speaker. You bet I had to get rid of that shit, and I suggest you do too, or you might not wake up. And if you do, who knows what you're gonna wake up as. Okay, dog. The title completely misleading. That was not a story about podcasts at all. No. Uh titles completely misleading. Some of the details of the story were fantastic, and I really like it. I really like the whole, like, oh shit, I woke up and or you know, or oh shit, the the the he's using mind control to like make these people sit and be a resource in some way. Should have explained that better. Should have been more follow-up since you went to his fucking house. Why didn't you send the cops to his house? Where's your sister? What the fuck happened after?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I also I didn't like that the the fake not realizing that the cre the the other person. They like that's obviously your sister. Yeah. Otherwise, there's no fucking point to any of it, dude. So obviously that was and it was like eight moments like that. Yeah, no, this yeah.
SPEAKER_01There was some part, it's like here's what that's this is my guess. Because I've done this before when writing, like in college and shit. For like five minutes at a clip with five to ten minute intervals, you actually kind of are into the subject matter. You're kind of into the project at hand that you're writing. For those intervals, though, you were phoning it the fuck in to get from A to B.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Like I want to write the part where he catches her, but I don't really want to write the part that's the drive to the place, but I need to write it. Right. It's like that. This is what happened. To me, it's pretty clear that's what happened because some of it is so cogent and well written and almost like, but not well written in an AI way. Well written in like a like a Lovecraft way, almost like where you're using a mixture of styles of words in a really nice artistic way, but then some of it was borderline, like a couple of sentences in this were straight up chef sentences, dude.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I think this person just really likes to describe stuff, yeah. Uh and is okay at describing stuff and then sucks at storytelling.
SPEAKER_01Stephanie Queen.
SPEAKER_00Oh, right, right. See what I did. See what I did? I was thinking George R. R. Martin, how people like George Hard R. Martin. Hard R. Martin. That's crazy. That's crazy, dude. What the fuck? Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_01Oh man. That's the episode title if we don't have another one. Hard R.
SPEAKER_00Martin's gray. Uh Georgia Hard R Martin.
SPEAKER_01Georgia Hard R on my mind, Martin.
SPEAKER_00Georgia. Oh man.
SPEAKER_01Oh man.
SPEAKER_03Fuck yeah.
SPEAKER_01And yes, I do mainly know that how that goes from the ludicrous song and not from the original.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. He's known for spending five pages describing a table. Yeah. Type of shit.
SPEAKER_01Lot of ludicrous talk on the Patreon, by the way. For sure.
SPEAKER_00Luda heavy.
SPEAKER_01All right. We need to get to your story. I don't I don't want you to not have a story, dude. That sucks. I didn't realize mine was so long. I'm sorry. Sorry to the listener. Sorry to myself.
SPEAKER_00That was the first time the haunted banjo music ran out.
SPEAKER_01I know, dude. I I felt that happen. I was like, God damn it. It's fine. I can't like I think it was the spacing because they put two or three, they hit return three times after each paragraph, and it looked like I could get through it faster.
SPEAKER_00Well, I'll tell you, my story's a lot shorter.
SPEAKER_01Well, any story that's not a fucking novella is shorter than that shit.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. It was written on a Hewlett-Packard Lovecraft. Nice.
SPEAKER_01Um I really like that. George Hard R. Martin. Hewlett Packard Lovecraft in parentheses behind it. It's a long episode title. It'll be like a Fallout Boy, our Fallout Boy title.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. Our lawyers told us we had to change the name of this podcast title because it's too, you know.
SPEAKER_01We gotta do that. If we ever talk about Fallout Boy a lot on an episode, that has to be the title.
SPEAKER_00That's a good idea. That'll be the episode where we finally do the Fallout Boy parody. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01That we promised we would do, and then I sang a little bit of. I noticed you kept that in at the beginning of the fart party episode.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah. I cut a few things together. Did you notice the very end I put in the thing about the Tony Hawk? Yes. Yeah, I did. It was an artistic choice. Yeah. Autistic choice. Fucking great, dude. Um, yeah, my story's a lot shorter, and I think it was written by uh the polar opposite person. This person uh has a little bit of tatardism in them. There's a lot of spaces before commas and shit going on. Hell yeah, dude. So uh anyway. A little bit of that local chef factor that we love.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. But there's only like looking up some shit for us.
SPEAKER_00There's only like 12 paragraphs. So not crazy.
SPEAKER_01That's a hell of a lot shorter.
SPEAKER_00Mine was like 50 of those. Yeah. This will be uh this will be a fun read, guys. Hell yeah. Swap in. Because this the story is just it's titled Simply. I hit the button and it didn't do it.
SPEAKER_01That's why I pointed.
SPEAKER_00I thought maybe you would just do it. Come on. There we go. Yeah, yeah. It's titled Simply. My town is weird.
SPEAKER_01Oh, you knew this was a gem when you read that. I knew it right off the rip, dude.
SPEAKER_00Uh right off the rip. Alright. So basically, I was just in my town. Then I went to sleep, and what I woke up, all of this sudden happened. Dude.
SPEAKER_01Already, I gotta interject. So basically is the best beginning to a story of all time.
SPEAKER_00You know, everyone knows it literally is because do you know what story starts off with so basically?
SPEAKER_01Game of Thrones, uh it.
SPEAKER_00No. Uh fucking Pride and Prejudice. The greatest story ever written. What? Who was phone?
SPEAKER_01Oh Who was phone?
SPEAKER_00It starts off with so basically. Sure, dude. Awesome. I'm gonna start from the from the beginning again. That's hell. So basically, I was just in my town. Then I went to sleep, and what I woke up, all of this happened. So first when I woke up, I heard three knocks on the door. And then when I opened it, there was like a kitten. But when I touched it, it literally turned into a pile of mud.
SPEAKER_02It's hilarious that we're going from the most overly descriptive story that we've ever read on the show to the most straightforward story of all time.
unknownOh no.
SPEAKER_00When I touched it, it literally turned into a pile of mud. I have to read it like that the whole time. Oh god, dude. So I thought I was dreaming, but I pinched myself a lot. I didn't wake up, so this is real. Then I hear an explosion, and when I look outside, there's a giant crater, and inside of it is an octopus turning people into laundry. Okay. It's imaginative. Then I walk outside, and guess what? Guess what is a staple of a great story, dude. I almost passed out. Oh fuck, I almost passed out. Dude, I was lying at it earlier. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Okay. Guess what? There's like three butterfly people. Oh my god, dude. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to get through this fucking story. Butterfly people. Oh, how did I find this? Did you write this? I swear to fucking god, dude. I was scrolling Reddit at fucking 3 55 p.m. before I left work, and I hit this one. Great. The last second I found this fucking story. That's great. Holy shit. Oh, dude. Then I walk outside and guess what? There's like three butterfly people up on the roof and they're flapping around. And they're licking people and eating them. And their licks are acid, which melt people.
unknownOf course.
SPEAKER_01I like that it says they're flapping around. Like, what the fuck else are butterfly people gonna be doing?
unknownI can't.
SPEAKER_00I literally can't. I'm going to pass out before the story is over. I've gotten lightheaded three times already, and we're on the fucking third pair. It said their licks are acid? And their licks are acid, which melt people.
SPEAKER_01It'd be their saliva that's acid. Not a verb can't be acid.
SPEAKER_00We can't. No, Jacob. The next sentence is the craziest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life.
SPEAKER_01Well, if doing acid has taught me anything, it its verbs can be acid, actually.
SPEAKER_00I'm thinking about it. This next sentence is the craziest thing I've ever seen.
SPEAKER_01If Lil White taught me anything, its verbs can be acid. What's the next sentence? I'm I'm I can't imagine. Butterfly people threw me for such a loop.
SPEAKER_00But I need a poop, okay? But I need a poop, okay? I feel like the five-year-old wrote this, dude.
SPEAKER_02Like what?
SPEAKER_00Okay. But I need a poop, okay? So I go to a public restroom. I kid you not, all the toilets were filled with human arms. And there we're trying to grab people and turn them into an arm for some reason. And it's more like a squid than just a multiple arms. Then it's not arms. What the fuck are you talking about? It said human arms five fucking words ago.
unknownIt did.
SPEAKER_00So then I heard some commotion. So I looked where it was, and it was a person twisting off his head, and blood was everywhere. But then the head came off. His head was back there, and he constantly kept doing it. And and when police went in there, their eyes exploded and their brains turned into literally water, not liquid water. What the fuck does that mean?
SPEAKER_01What? Like you can see the molecules of hydrogen and oxygen, but it's not pouring out. It's like they're floating out. It's red circle.
SPEAKER_00There's one red circle in the middle, and there's two little sticks and white circles next to them. Yeah. What the fuck, bro?
SPEAKER_01You can see the molecular structure of water.
SPEAKER_00Dude, these electrons are freaking me out.
SPEAKER_01You ever seen the electrons in water, bro? It's crazy.
SPEAKER_00They're wild. Literally water. Not literally water, not liquid water. What the fuck does that mean? Not liquid water. What is happening? I have to find this story again and look and see if this person has a gazillion more. I hope they have a gazillion more.
SPEAKER_01They better.
SPEAKER_00Oh my fuck. But then when I go to the store, everything is kittens. Yes, kittens are back again, and everything is kittens.
SPEAKER_02And everything is kittens.
SPEAKER_00Food is kittens. Clothes are kittens. Frickin' goldfish are kittens. And when you touch them, they start jumping on you. Like I saw someone getting jumped on by like 20 kittens after they touched one. But then I decided to go on Reddit. But all it ISIS tutorials on how to turn yourself into a plant and one guy. Why does that so I think he's trying to say, but it was all ISIS tutorials. No, but it's I I don't know.
SPEAKER_01But it but but ISIS doesn't have anything to do with plants.
SPEAKER_00All it I'm gonna I'm gonna guess the ISIS thing was on accident. Yeah, it is. But all it is because it's all caps, I-S-I-S, ISIS. But all it is is Tutorials on how to turn yourself into a plant, and one guy and one guy eating hot dogs, and his arms are turning into hot dogs. And when I come back into my house, my bed is a centipede, and it drives spitting at me. And when it hit the wall, it turned into puppies. So the centipede was trying to turn me into a puppy. Mm-hmm. So I got right out of there, but instead of going down the elevator. In your house?
SPEAKER_01Right. They were right outside their house when they decided to go to the public restroom earlier, by the way. I want to point that out. That's true. They're literally right outside. They saw the butterfly people on their roof. Yeah. And then they decided to go somewhere else to a public restroom.
SPEAKER_00Which that roof must be high if he has an elevator in his house. I guess, yeah. But instead of going down the elevator or the stairs, it somehow forced me to jump out the window. And I somehow didn't die. But the brown had turned into toilet paper and it started ripping and leading into the void. So I ran out of there and got onto the pavement. But then I wanted to type something on Reddit. So I said, Why is there so much plant tutorials? But instead it became how to combine poopy, butt face, and chicken nuggets. I have no idea how that happened, and when I try to do the same thing every time on every platform, the same thing happened. So I posted one thing, and it changed to tutorial on how to transform yourself into a planet again. Then I heard knocking all my window. And it was like a man with no legs and arms that reach up to a 12-story building. Yes. And yes, I went back into the building by the stairs. But the stairs were like turning into elevators somehow. So I just left out of there before the through the I just So I left. I just left out of there through the elevator. But it was like a second before I had to walk downstairs. I don't understand what's happening, Jake.
SPEAKER_01This is obviously purposefully written this way. It has to be.
SPEAKER_00It's got this guy.
SPEAKER_01It makes me want to write these, actually. Yeah. Because it doesn't have to be good or make sense. There's no pressure. It's so good.
SPEAKER_00Not another elevator and upstairs. And it went on for like an hour before I exited. But the floor was toilet paper again. So I went out of there. This guy is getting out of everywhere. Yeah, dude. Just running. So I am wondering, what is this actually a dream? And somehow I can't get up? So I try jumping from a rocket. So I try jumping from a rocket, which is impossible until I find a rocket in the corner store. Yes, it's the only thing besides kittens. And when I touch it, I'm inside above the atmosphere on Mars. Oh. So, so there is no atmosphere on Mars. Oh, I jump down and I explode into a pile of dirt. Then I wake up. But I didn't actually wake up, and the exact same stuff happened. So now, instead of touching that rocket, I'm just walking around and I'm seeing people actually follow that. Follow that tutorial on how to turn into a plant. Please, someone get me out of here. Also, for people wondering, I can't go outside the town. It's just blocked off by evil tongues. So just tell me what to do. That is the end of the greatest story ever written. What the fuck, dude? I honestly had no idea that it was that crazy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I clicked, I saw the title, and I thought, that's funny. That it's just my town is weird. I scrolled through it to see how long it was, and all caps ISIS stuck out to me.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00I was like, okay, so there's something ISIS in here. That's gotta be funny, right? Like somehow an ISIS thing gets brought into this town. Like, that should be hilarious. That's it. That's all I got through. I copy and pasted the whole thing, plopped it into my fucking notepad.
SPEAKER_01Damn.
SPEAKER_00I was like, this is it, dude. This is gonna be great. I saw those spaces between commas and shit. Thought this is poorly written. That's my bread and butter. I read it in a stupid voice. What the fuck was that, man?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think it was written on purpose that way. And like I said, it makes me want to write these. And then my brain went to well, if you corner the market on these, put them on a website. Charger subscription.
SPEAKER_00How about it would be like uh this is this is a little beak brained but you know freaking scary as heck.com scary as all freaking heck yeah dot org net.
SPEAKER_01Sure, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01What the hot dot Halloween dot Halloween dot boo.
SPEAKER_00What the freaking h dot k co dot uk yeah.
SPEAKER_01Something, yeah, and then put ads on that website. Fuck and then have people show up and you get the ad money, right?
SPEAKER_00Holy shit.
SPEAKER_01You have a bunch of pages, each page has a different story on it, each page has a different ad potential, so that's another page worth of ads, you know what I mean? Yeah, make some fucking cashola off some stupid ass stories. Some Revan Jew. Let's start writing them, dude. This could be our ticket, our niche. This is our ticket to Hollywood. This is our ticket to the bastards versus the kings.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah, the River City Rapman.
SPEAKER_01We don't have to win the lottery. By the way, I got two Powerball tickets on Monday. On Monday, I got two. It's only four bucks.
SPEAKER_03Sure, sure, sure.
SPEAKER_01And then I spend more on SIGs every day, so it's not a big deal. And uh, I was like, give me two. And the guy was like, same ticket. I was like, sure, I don't care. And he gave me him. I checked it yesterday. I forgot to check Monday, or I forgot to like, you know, look at it Monday night. I was definitely awake. Uh and uh two numbers, dude, on the same ticket, which I think means nothing. I I might get a free ticket, maybe. I don't know.
SPEAKER_00Is it's four? The powerball is four, or is it five?
SPEAKER_01Five, and then the powerball is the sixth. And you gotta match them all to get the jackpot. Right. Uh, and if you match, I think if you match the five without the Powerball, it's a million dollars, I think.
SPEAKER_00Wow.
SPEAKER_01Pretty sick. It's up to like six hundred million right now. Damn. So yeah, that's why I got it. I saw that on the little readout on the, you know, they have the little LED thing that says the current jackpot. I was like, six hundred million? Sheesh. I get to keep like foe.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's always been crazy to me. That like, you know, when when it gets up to a billion dollars, people are like, I gotta buy one now. It's like 200 million wouldn't change your life. Yeah, right. 60 million wouldn't have fucking revolutionized your whole entire world.
SPEAKER_01Dude, that million, I'm quitting my job. Like, what the fuck are we talking about? That's what I'm saying. Like, like I'm I'm gonna get a part-time job and coast or something.
SPEAKER_00Oh, well, I mean, now that it's a billion dollars, I guess I'll try. Yeah. It's like that now it's enough to move the needle in my life. That shit's stupid. A billion it needs to be that high. Fuck you. Dude's making 30 grand a year. Like, I guess now that it's 1.3 billion, it's worth it for me.
SPEAKER_01That means more people are playing, thus, more numbers, number combos are in the system, thus, less likely you're gonna get it. Yeah. Well, it's actually the same. It's actually the same. Never changes at all. It's the same number, so you know what I mean? On on the night of the fucking uh drawing, it's the same number, so it doesn't matter.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, the only thing that changes your odds is buying more tickets. Right. Yeah. And it's like, well, I went from point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero one. I doubled my chances. Yeah, two.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Pretty sweet, actually, if you think about it. Double my chances? Yeah. Whoa.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's a lot of money though. So four hundred million dollars. Yeah. What the fuck? I don't even know. Uh you know, like I know some of the dumb shit I would do with it, but like, you know.
SPEAKER_00I can barely count that high.
SPEAKER_01God damn, bro, that's a lot. I read the other day how long it would take you to count to a million.
SPEAKER_00It's a lot. Mr. Beast did it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, there was that whole thing where you had people sitting in a room, and so I looked it up, and uh it's fucking 11 days to count to a million. Nonstop without sleep. Yeah, right. What the fuck?
SPEAKER_00Well, I mean, is that it doesn't feel like that though. Are you could you be like one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven? Because that's like faster than you know, yeah, a million seconds.
SPEAKER_01But once you get up to one thousand one hundred and twenty-six, one thousand one hundred and twenty-seven, one thousand one, you're still at like a second per number.
SPEAKER_00So, like, you know one thousand, two, one thousand.
SPEAKER_01So yeah, it's it's tough. It's like uh I want to say it was eleven days, but I might be wrong. But a billion takes like a year or some shit. It's like so much more.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's a thousand times whatever the fuck the million took, you know?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's uh one thousand one hundred and eleven days. Yeah, right. Which is three, six, nine. That's four and a half years.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Crazy, right?
SPEAKER_00That's wild. That's wild. That's fucking like so crazy and shit. What the freaking heck though?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_00I don't know. I I might I can't count on the 400 stinking million, though.
SPEAKER_01Oh, it'd take even longer in Spanish, dude.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, because then it's like uh e for seven uh cuatro.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, there's a lot of E's.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Holy shit, bro. There's a lot of ands in your math. I don't like that.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01Say the number. We have a lot of ands too, if you want to say them, you just don't have to. Uh but yeah. What a fucked up story that does give me some ideas, though, about writing. What if we each wrote a uh like purposefully funny story?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, like a purposefully bad one. Didn't I uh I took I took a crack at making my own who was phone? I think you did, yes.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so this would be similar to that, except I would join in.
SPEAKER_00And it would be like, you know, a good 10 to 15 paragraphs.
SPEAKER_01Right, and the other person reads it. You know, I like that idea. But you read mine and I read yours.
SPEAKER_00I'm down to do that. Yeah. I'm also gonna investigate and hope this person has a fuck more, a fuckload more of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ugh all right.
SPEAKER_01Like that could be a that could be a recurring segment if it works, because you're making someone else say shit.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah, we could sneak some fucking tomfoolery in this. Yes, exactly.
SPEAKER_01That's what I'm saying. So there's more to it than just that humor, but that's enough. Yeah. Like if we wrote purposefully bad stories like that, where you can tell what's happening, but the words are wrong. Yeah, that shit is the funniest thing, dude. I love that idea. And it's it's when you're reading it that it were that it hits me the best. Because like when I'm reading it, I'm like, God damn it, every time. Yeah, but when you're reading it and I can still tell what it means, it's so fucking funny. Yeah. There was a knock all my window.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I love reading those as literally as possible.
SPEAKER_01Me too, yeah. Yeah, I did it a few times in that story when the dude fucking was not paying attention when his girlfriend was talking to him while he was trying to write it, or yeah, vice versa, if it's a chick that wrote it. I don't know. It's saying it's a dude.
SPEAKER_00She got her period mid sentence.
SPEAKER_01Seven eighths through the story, and it's a dude all of a sudden. What the fuck, bro? Yeah. Another girl he said about his sister.
SPEAKER_00I'm still stuck on the five ten man lit theory.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that sucks.
SPEAKER_00That's so crazy.
SPEAKER_01Are you trans? What the fuck happened in the story, dude? The fuck happened while you were writing it.
SPEAKER_00Very odd behavior. Yeah. It was like they were typing that into their fucking dating profile and it accidentally went to the wrong window. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, all right. We gotta get the heck out of here, man. I have to tinkle. Yeah, me too. Um, if you want to hear more of our shenanigans, patreon.com slash fartmouth.
SPEAKER_01Yep. Still playing games on there.
SPEAKER_00Chuck us a couple bucks. Still playing the hawk. Yuck yucks.
SPEAKER_01Yep. Oh, and I'm uh pretty soon I'm gonna I always say this, and then I half the time I don't do the thing I say, but uh I'm thinking about uh showing you guys my Pallet Town on fucking Pocopia, dude. Because I'm about to put a train, I'm about to run a train on Pallet Town. A one man train, and I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna uh run train tracks through the whole thing. And you get a little minecart that you can like fucking make go really fast.
SPEAKER_00I like my Pocopia like I like my women with tracks, track marks, tracks everywhere.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, all right, dude. Bye, everybody. Bye.