Fartmouth

329 - Pineapple Dog Jizz

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This week's show features...

  • Would You Rather
  • Thyler's Top 5 (times 2!)

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SPEAKER_05

It's not every week that we both pooped in the same time frame that we were here.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

So I just wanted to check in on how your poop was.

SPEAKER_02

It was good. It's pretty good.

SPEAKER_05

Like uh everything came out okay. Yeah. I do appreciate that you guys keep your extra rolls of toilet paper under the sink where it belongs. Yes. Some people keep it out in like a linen closet or something.

SPEAKER_02

She tried to do that. That's crazy, too. I I corrected, yeah. I corrected the behavior and like a nose in the newspaper. Yeah, no, I made it sound like I uh like she's a dog player. I uh no, no, no, no. I I just corrected the the household's policy by stuffing the sink cabinet full of toilet paper. Yeah, I didn't say shit, I just did it. I was like, this is the last time I'm having to ask anyone to get me fucking toilet paper. This is insane.

SPEAKER_05

I was worried I was gonna have to shoot you a message. I wouldn't have gotten it. Probably. My first half wipe was just the rest of what was on the roll. Yeah. And then I was like, this is not enough. I needed a good four wipes, dude. Yeah. So I reached down and there it was, and I was pretty stoked that there was some paper there. There's a bunch. It was a very uh peanut buttery poop.

SPEAKER_02

Nice. I bought more for the party. Nice. In case people are having to take beer shits or whatever.

SPEAKER_05

There's gonna be a lot of pooping going on in this fucking domachile baby boys.

SPEAKER_02

A lot of rib shits, actually. The rib shits. Thanks, Martin. Thank you for listening.

SPEAKER_01

Well, minds came by sleep, part meth university. I came in a lime and made a human being, Part Meth University. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Put the lime in the coconut.

SPEAKER_02

Oh. Put the nut in the lime.

SPEAKER_05

Put the coconut in the lime. Yeah, dog. And made a bean?

SPEAKER_02

That's what I did. A human being.

SPEAKER_05

This is alchemy. You're a witch. Yeah. I need to call a fucking 16th century pilgrim. That's what they were. They were pilgrims.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Pilgrims. Fucking freaking stoning women. Yeah. For being not in a good way. I don't know. Too talkative. Actually. Now that I'm thinking about it, now that I say it out loud, I get it. Welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast. A show whose host was recently asked by a chick, what do you bring to the table? To which I said, a fucking chair. Cause you got dinner covered, bitch. God damn. Every week we do if you were to take segments and make each other laugh. I'm Tyler.

SPEAKER_02

I'm Jake.

SPEAKER_05

And we're gonna get on into the first segment of this episode.

SPEAKER_02

Any uh any sexism that could have been read into that was completely erased by the uh impression. The Jersey accent? Yeah. Yeah. By the uh what's the guy's name? What's the fella? The old stand-up? Oh, Andrew Dice Clay. Yeah, dice. That's good. God damn it. I could not think of it. We listed like 80 fucking comics on the bonus shit we recorded earlier, and his name just could not slip your mind. Could not come to my lips like men. I was definitely I was definitely doing a dice impression there.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, oh. So I called her a hood and I smacked her in the mouth.

SPEAKER_02

So women are worse than us. That's basically what every joke boils down to.

SPEAKER_04

Girls, ew.

SPEAKER_05

They're the less attacked. Get in the kitchen, bitch. That's like half his punchlines. Yeah, basically, dude.

SPEAKER_02

It's all just it's just misogyny with an accent. That's his whole bit. That's his whole act.

SPEAKER_05

He said, misogyny. I barely knew it.

SPEAKER_02

I ain't massaging you. You suck my dick. You massage my cat. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Oh fuck. Anyway.

SPEAKER_02

You're massaging me.

SPEAKER_05

This ain't massad. You massaging me. Whatever. First segment.

SPEAKER_02

Massad. What am I a Jew?

SPEAKER_05

Would you rather funny about an explosion going off after you say Jew?

SPEAKER_02

What am I a Jew? Boom. Bluey. Any any Palestinian listeners we have definitely turned it off just then. Oh. It's my turn to do the Would You Rathers this week. And uh we'll start with your topic from last week.

SPEAKER_05

Dude, real quick, what if they renamed Tomahawk missiles? Tony Hawk missiles.

SPEAKER_02

They'd be so rad if they did that. Uh dude, fucking killed 900. This one killed 900. Next time we're going for 1080, dude.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, that missile made that fucking building look McTwisted. Nice. Grind on these fucking melted steel beams, bro.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

There's just birdhouse logos on all the drones and shit. Uh, okay. Um, would you rather? Uh-huh. All of your finances are taken care of.

SPEAKER_05

Did we skip over the topic for this one?

SPEAKER_02

Oh, fuck, you're right. Gay dudes. Sorry. I thought gay dads. Goddamn D. The double Ds just got me on that. They usually distract me. Uh gay dads. I thought I had already said it. Uh, all of your finances are taken care of by two old gay benefactors. But you must partake in an hour-long shower with them daily. One's named Ben, the other is named a factor. You gotta take a shower with them daily until they die of natural causes. And they're like 65. They got a few years left, you know? They're not like that old. They're not like Anna Nicole Smith old, you know what I mean? Sure. Uh okay. Or suck off two guys to completion like a porn star. So they're on either side of you, same time, you know.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Uh every two weeks for three years. That's it. And and the shower has to happen in like a normal like bathtub shower. You know what I mean? Like that situation.

SPEAKER_05

We're not in like one of those uh hotel ones where there's a door and it's just a shower.

SPEAKER_02

You're not in a fancy one of those, no. Not like our old uh uh shower situation, yeah. Kind of like that. I mean, that size, like that, like where it's extremely uncomfortable for three people to be in there. That's the idea. Right. But you're not, it's not like a single little shower, you know what I mean? It's at least the bathtub, you know? It's at least that. I didn't want to do that to you because like how is that even gonna happen?

SPEAKER_05

Like close quarters.

SPEAKER_02

These two dudes are like average size, let's say they're like 150, 160, somewhere in there, you know.

SPEAKER_05

Like you're talking about their dicks.

SPEAKER_02

That too. Okay. Their dicks are average size. Also average, cool. Yeah, you don't have to do anything with their dicks. Right. It's just the second scenario. You gotta do a lot with their dicks.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, yeah, doing tricks on it.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, dude. Or with it, you know. Yeah. Well, you can lick the frenulum, you can do whatever you want to get them off, but you have to suck them off. It has to be your mouth that gets them off to completion.

SPEAKER_05

Interesting.

SPEAKER_02

Every two weeks, so every 14 days for three years. So, you know, do the math. That's 25 a year. That's 75 times you gotta do that. Or you have to take, I don't know how many showers because it's daily. You're gonna be clean, I tell you that. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

I'll be showering more than I do now.

SPEAKER_02

You're gonna be so fucking clean, bro. You're gonna be like a chick's tits when you take a shower with her. That clean. You know what I mean? And that's a Sarah Silverman joke. I can't I can't take credit for that one.

SPEAKER_05

Extra attention. Yeah. Okay, well, I I have a thought here. I do, I do have um a qualifying question.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

What's the what are we talking about as far as order goes in this shower? Because you're essentially standing in a conga line of of meat.

SPEAKER_02

Well, it just it keeps changing because someone needs the water, someone else needs the water. You know what I mean? You're not having to fuck them or anything, but you're just gonna incidentally be rubbing dicks on flesh and meat on meat. Meat on your flesh, and like, you know what I mean? Like it's gonna be you're gonna be feeling dicks and balls and butts and shit.

SPEAKER_05

This is an interesting question. So, like, say you're in this s scenario, which what are we doing? Are we uh when you're trading spots? Are you going me to meet? Are you going me to butt? That's something you have to figure out. What are you doing? They're gay. What are you doing though? What would I do? Yeah, what's your two men? What's your game plan?

SPEAKER_02

I'd probably cover my dick with my hand and then scoot past them.

SPEAKER_05

Their butt?

SPEAKER_02

Either one, it doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_05

That is the the ideal scenario, right? Is it their back to your front?

SPEAKER_02

I guess so, and then you're covering your dick so it doesn't rub against them. But you have to do that the entire time if you have to be diligent about that, and it's every day. So eventually you're gonna get desensitized, and you're you're not gonna need to be covering your dick. You're just gonna be like, whatever.

SPEAKER_05

Right.

SPEAKER_02

But you gotta take an hour-long shower daily.

SPEAKER_05

An hour?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

All right, so I'll tell you what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_02

Uh I I did better this week, right? Yeah. With making it a tough conundrum. Yeah. We've been doing this six years.

SPEAKER_05

You'd think I would hit it every time, but it would be tougher if I didn't have a plan. No. I have a plan. Okay. I when uh when we get in, I'm in the back. I'm at the caboose.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Where I keep my shampoo.

SPEAKER_02

And you got your butt up against the fucking wall.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, yeah, I'm backed up. Uh but that's where I keep my I keep my shampoo and my s my uh body wash at the back of the shower.

SPEAKER_02

All right.

SPEAKER_05

I'm taking the shampoo.

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

SPEAKER_05

Right? I'm getting a little squirt in my hand. Yeah. I do a pump and a half because I got long hair.

SPEAKER_02

That's not the only squirting or pumping that's gonna be happening.

SPEAKER_05

It is the only squirting and pumping, because I'll tell you what's happening next. Okay. I got a squirt and a half in my hand, uh-huh, and then I'm I'm unscrewing the lid, and I'm fucking squirting shampoo all over the floor of that shower, and I'm gonna start shoving.

SPEAKER_02

It's gonna be a mosh bit.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I'm gonna I'm going to hear the the breakdown at the end of the new Callus Dowboys song.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna take it a step further. I'm gonna get one of those uh those waterproof Bluetooth speakers. Oh. I'm gonna suction cup that to the top of Ben's head. Yeah. And I'm gonna fucking play break stuff by Lint Biscuit.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, and I'm gonna break stuff.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, we're they're breaking something. Uh hip or dude.

SPEAKER_02

Nah, dude, that you can't get out of it with a loophole like that. It is funny, but just so we're clear.

SPEAKER_05

But it's such a good loophole.

SPEAKER_02

You can't get out of it by injuring them mortally in the shower, and then you never have to deal with it again. But it was an accident. It's just two new old gay dudes the next day if you do that. You you gotta make sure they don't slip, actually. Oh no. Because for three years, you have to take a daily shower with these fucks. No, for the rest of their lives. Sorry, it's for the rest of their lives till they die. Which is somewhere around a decade, probably probably 10, 12, 15 years, something like that. But you don't actually have to do any gay stuff with them. Right. It's just pretty gay that you're in the shower with them. Yeah. I fucking Henarol, as the Hispanic population says. Okay. The garbanzo. I like to include them from time to time for the few listeners we have that are Hispanic.

SPEAKER_05

Oh man. You know what? I fucking hate old people. So this makes it adds another element to this whole thing. Because it's like, what? Shut up. Scrub your balls and shut. Get the fuck out. God damn it.

SPEAKER_02

It's just an hour every time, so there is no hurrying up. It's just it's gonna be an hour. So here's what I would do. If I picked the shower thing, I like your the start of yours. You you stand in the back, you take the shampoo, and you actually lather up your fucking hair. You lather up your body with soap, and then you're like, get out of my fucking way. And then you scoot past both of them. Yeah. You rinse, then you scoot back to the back, and you have your ass against the fucking wall, and then you just zone out and hang out in a shower being cold without the water hitting you for the rest of the 55 minutes.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, there's not gonna be a lot of fucking Facebook reels watched.

SPEAKER_02

You're just hanging your hand out the out the shower.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So your phone doesn't get wet.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. It sucks too because I've I've been having some some back troubles for the past couple of weeks, and I just let the fucking scalding hot water run down my back to like, you know, basically be a heating pad for me. I could just buy a heating pad.

SPEAKER_02

You should.

SPEAKER_05

I'm realizing now.

SPEAKER_02

You can Amazon a heating pad very easily.

SPEAKER_05

Very easily. Fuck.

SPEAKER_02

It'd be like 20 bucks, maybe. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Probably less. I recently just now, for the first time since I've been in my house, I bought, I finally bought a fucking shower mat to step out onto. Nice. Uh I finally I did the Dollar General thing again, as you can tell, because I've got beef jerky here.

SPEAKER_02

Dollar Henny Roll.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. I s I started at the bath mats this time. I learned from my mistakes. And I bought the I grabbed the bath mat first, and then I grabbed the jerky. There were no Jehovah's Witnesses there this time. I don't even remember if I told this story on the main show or not. No, you know what? I didn't tell it on anything. I told you in my truck when we were driving to Walmart. I forgot to talk about this on the show.

SPEAKER_02

I remember the story. I was like, oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

I went last last week, two weeks ago, I went to Dollar General after work to grab beef jerky and a bath mat for my shower. Uh-huh. Uh I'm telling the listeners now. Yeah. And when I got there, I was so fucking my brain was so focused on beef jerky because I was so excited to buy beef jerky and eat it for dinner.

SPEAKER_02

You just wanted some succulent meat.

SPEAKER_05

I was just like, I went straight to the jerky and I was looking at the options. There's not a lot of Dollar General, but I was debating what you know flavor of the Bridgeford sweet baby raise shit that I wanted. Um and I picked it up, and then as soon as I like turned around, I saw these two missionary Jehovah's Witness kids, they're like 16 to 18, something like that, standing up front, and I was so distracted by that, I was like, I gotta see what's going on over here. So I headed up front, completely neglected the bath mat purchasing, and stood up there while they were talking to the lady at the counter, asking her questions about Pokemon. They asked her to go get they had she had a box full of Pokemon shit, and she brought it up, and they're there's like the tins, like where the the cards are inside of like a metal tin. Yeah. And she brought out brought it up and she took out three of them, and they were three different colors. It was like green, red, and blue. And uh they were like, which color's the best? She's like, I don't know. Like uh they're all the same to me, it's just Pokemon cards. And they're like, Oh, well, which one would you get? And she was like, I don't know, the blue one. And they were like, All right, we'll take that. So she rings it up, it was like $17 or whatever, and they're like fucking snickering the whole time. For how many cards though? I have no idea, dude.

SPEAKER_02

There's probably like 50 cards in there, probably.

SPEAKER_05

At least probably I would imagine. Um they don't look the same.

SPEAKER_02

I don't like it.

SPEAKER_05

No, there's they've completely jumped the fucking ship. They really are whole deal.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Anyway, keep it.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, so they they buy the Pokemon cards and then they walk out, they walk out the front doors, and they fucking stand there and they pull out phones and they start taking selfies of themselves standing in front of the Dollar General sign on the outside of the building, and they're like snickering and cutting it up and shit. And I'm like, what the fuck is happening? And this old lady behind me started making fun of them for doing that. She's like, Is this their first time in society or whatever? Nice. So then I buy my jerky and I head out, and like they're still out there walking towards their uh their vehicle. They get in. And uh I can't remember the rest of the story. They were just fucking That's weird. I think that they just didn't I think that they were doing something they shouldn't be doing. Yeah. That's the vibe I got. Yeah. Like we're not even like it's like the whole Rumspringer thing with Amish people where they like they're 16, they can go, they get they drink, they do cocaine, all this crazy shit, and then they come back. This is like their version of that is going to Dollar General and buying Pokemon cards is so fucking stupid and funny to me. It's like we're getting away with something here. And like the first thing you do is get these dumbass pieces of cardboard. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, that's weird. I bought a bath mat today. Nice. But that we were talking about showers, and it made me think of that.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, yeah. I have another Would You Rather.

SPEAKER_05

I'm gonna do the old people thing, even though they're disgusting and I hate them. Okay. It's better than sucking wieners.

SPEAKER_02

It is. Almost anything's better than sucking wieners, dude. That's true. Uh all right. My Would You Rather topic is wieners, but a specific type. Dog dicks. Dog dicks. Dog's dicks. Some lipstick. Yep, some red rockets, bro. Would you rather? Uh okay. Eat a bowl of dog dicks. A bowl of them. With a fork.

SPEAKER_05

Severed, I would imagine.

SPEAKER_02

Well, yeah. Disembodied dog dicks. Just the part that comes out of the sheath.

SPEAKER_05

Just the just the red rocket.

SPEAKER_02

Just the rocket. No sheath. It's like you took some tweezers, like you you got a dog horny, it's its dick starts to pop out. You take some tweezers, grab the end of it, pull it out as far as it'll go, and with scissors, you cut it off. I don't, that's almost like uh that part of it is way worse than eating them out of a almost like you don't have to do that. They're just already in the bowl. It's almost as if. Uh, but you're gonna picture that that happened because that's obviously how that has to happen. The animal abuse is the worst part. So uh uh it's like uh cutting the fucking duck's foot off on the house that Jack built. It's like that. Uh, but with dog dicks. So, and a little kid's doing it. Uh, but but there's that option. So you gotta eat, and that's once a week for a year. So 52 times that you have to eat the bowl of dog dicks. Or suck 25 dogs off to completion just one time each, like 25 different dogs. God damn it, different breeds, too. So small dogs, big dogs, medium dogs, all from great one of them's gotta be a great dane, and one of them's gotta be a teacup chihuahua. So, and and the whole spectrum of sizes of dogs. There's gonna be a golden retriever in there, there's gonna be a fucking uh uh Rottweiler, a pit bull, uh fucking little Pomeranian. You know, you're gonna have to part some hair to get to the dick on a few of them. Jesus Christ. You're gonna feel like a rabbi, I think. Oh the closest thing to that. A moil. Yeah, that. Yeah. That thing. Yeah, whatever that is.

SPEAKER_05

All right. I have some obviously I have questions. Okay. Let's talk culinary aspects. Okay. Let's get down to this this the chefery. Uh are these dog dicks cooked? Um we talking sauteed, we're talking sous-vide. Okay. A crock pot full of dog cock.

SPEAKER_02

So no. No cooking at all, but you will not get any intestinal, like, it's fine. Your body can handle this, and it's like you you're eating anything else, as far as like you're not gonna get fucking bacteria or whatever the fuck. You don't have to cook, you know what I mean? Like, it's fine. You know, it's like you have a a stomach made for eating dogs.

SPEAKER_05

Um Chick-fil-A Polynesian sauce.

SPEAKER_02

No, because that helps. No. Dipping does that fucking sick, dog.

SPEAKER_04

Polynesian sauce is great.

SPEAKER_02

No, because that's that sauce is sick. So no. You don't get an awesome sauce with it.

SPEAKER_05

Oh god. I mean, like, what about what if I leave them out for a little while and let them dry out to built beltong consistency?

SPEAKER_02

Dil tongue?

SPEAKER_05

Fucking air dried dog dick.

SPEAKER_02

Um no. Fuck man. No, because that helps. Anything that helps the fucking texture and taste and anything that no. The whole point is that it sucks. You have to eat a bowl full of dog dicks or suck off 25 dogs to completion. Bowl of dog dicks per week.

SPEAKER_05

Could I do the whole 25 in one day?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Yeah, you can do it, yeah, one shot. Well, 25 shots to the fucking call it. To the to whatever that thing is called that's in the back of your throat.

SPEAKER_05

Let me ask you a philosophical question.

SPEAKER_02

That dog cum's gonna be hitting that thing like a fucking speed bag.

SPEAKER_05

Slip and slide. God damn it. Alright, I have a philosophical question for you. Sure. Do you think that animals cum taste different than human cum?

SPEAKER_02

Absolutely, it does. Animal meat tastes different. Uh animal uh yeah, dude, animal piss smells different. That's some more evidence. That's true. Animal shit smells different.

SPEAKER_05

I think that's all dietary though. I mean, like with cats, it's different because Well, your diet affects your cum too. Yeah. So but what if I feed these dogs like some primo, like they're a bunch of pineapples?

SPEAKER_02

You're not eating anything unless it's pineapple, you fucks.

SPEAKER_04

Pineapple juice in their water bowl and shit, dude.

SPEAKER_02

All they can drink is pineapple juice.

SPEAKER_05

You're eating Hawaiian pizza or nothing, you fucks. I know none of the dogs are gonna be smokers. Oh no, dude. I mean, that that is where it becomes a conundrum, is because I could knock this out all in in like one or two days, or I'm stuck eating something horrific for a year.

SPEAKER_06

I know.

SPEAKER_05

That's how big's the bowl?

SPEAKER_02

Are we talking like uh like a regular bowl, like a like, like a uh okay, here we go. Uh pineapple or fuck pineapple. Pineapple.

SPEAKER_05

It's a pineapple full of dog text.

SPEAKER_02

We were just talking about them. I went and got a water and uh uh no fuck panda express. Pineapple Express is what I almost said, by the way, which is very funny.

SPEAKER_05

Nice, nice.

SPEAKER_02

We were just talking about pineapples. I was trying to conjure up Panda Express, and I was like, that's a pee. It's got an N in it. Fucking say it.

SPEAKER_05

Nailed it. Okay, so the Panda Express bowls aren't too crazy. That size of a bowl. Also, that's a hefty bowl.

SPEAKER_02

It does. That's like 30 dog dicks, is what I would say, to fill that bowl. Because dog dicks aren't very big. They're like, they're kind of like green bean sized, you know?

SPEAKER_05

They're a little bigger than that.

SPEAKER_02

Well, it depends on the size of the dog. They go, they go like Beano's dick is about the size of like a green bean. Right.

SPEAKER_05

But like that's the bottom of the spectrum.

SPEAKER_02

Right. And then you go up to up to like Great Dane. Honestly, though, it's not that much bigger. Like it is bigger, but it's not like crazy that much bigger. Like, I think dick size didn't evolve like when when the breeds were getting made. Yeah. Like dogs' dicks stayed relatively the same size. Because like, if you look at Beano's dick as compared to the size of his body. Sure. I'm just I I've looked at his dick and uh he's had it out, dude. I'm not gonna, I'm curious. I'm gonna look. So he if you if you think about Beano's dick, which I do, uh if you think about his dick in relation to the size of his body, and you look at a great dane and its dick in relation to the size of its body, Bino's dick makes up like three percent of his body, like or five percent of his body. You know, it's like a lot, it's like actually a a big part of him when you think about it. But the great dane, it's like one percent of his body, like it's much small, like in comparison. Sure. Cause I my uh uh my chick's dad has a fucking great Dane, and I haven't seen his dick out, but I've seen the sheath and what size that is, and it's really not that much bigger than Beano's sheath, which is fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_05

Well, they they're so their dicks have like a special attack though. Like yeah, like their normal attack isn't crazy, but when they their finishing move is to swell up to the size of a fucking baseball.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, well, it's not quite that big, but yeah, it's much bigger than the dick is initially, yes.

SPEAKER_05

That's yeah.

SPEAKER_02

When they're about to come, it gets gigantic, so that the dick stays in there for fucking uh implant implantation of dissemination. That that word, that's the word I was looking for.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, so how like what do you what do you eat a bowl of dog dicks with? Like a spoon? Fork. I said that. You gotta stick a fork in them. Chopsticks.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, that's okay, sure. It doesn't matter. I mean, but I just wanted the the visceral, like you have to stick a fork into the dicks. Like that just added a weird element to me. I thought it I thought that was more like that was tougher. It's not like you're scooping them up or picking them up. You have to fucking impale each dick.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, I want to feel tough when I'm eating this dog dicks.

SPEAKER_02

Vlad the dog dick enjoyer. Dick paler. Ooh. Vlad the gimpaler.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm just gonna have to eat the dog dicks, I guess.

SPEAKER_02

Alright. At least I'm gonna do that. That's what I would do too. Yeah, right. There's no cum. You're either way, you get you have a bunch of dog dicks in your mouth.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. I'd rather them not be attached. I sincerely doubt it.

SPEAKER_02

It'll make you feel like the fucking liver king or whatever. Yeah. Jordan Jordan Peterson.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, get to feel cool.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, no, I mean the Bible's real.

SPEAKER_02

Jeez Louise. Jordan that's my Jordan Peterson impression.

SPEAKER_00

Everything that happened in the Bible actually happened.

SPEAKER_02

It's more like a Kermit thing. It is, but I'm uh he just has a high pitch.

SPEAKER_03

The fingers about the Bible. Yeah. When you read it, it's fact.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And you have to do the Canadian accent, which is hard too. Yeah. It's hard to do Canadian Kermit.

SPEAKER_02

It is. Oh my God. Kermit. Uh okay, let's move on.

SPEAKER_05

What are you talking about?

SPEAKER_03

Pull your titsuit. I don't like that your vagina's an ootie. An ootie. Ootie and the blowfish.

SPEAKER_05

Uh, okay.

SPEAKER_03

Word association.

SPEAKER_02

I'm gonna eat the dog. That's the best impression I've done on the show in a long time. Let's just it's not even that good, but it's the best for me, dude.

SPEAKER_05

We got there, dude.

SPEAKER_02

It took a I might do it later just cuz. Oh yeah. Real quick, real quick, before I hand the show over to you. I have a very fast fuck you piece of shit. Okay. It's it's a top, it's just it just came up today. It's a thing that that is happening right now. People are arguing about it. It's very relevant, and it's a show that I love that I want you to watch so that you will then love it. The poster for season 18 of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia came out.

SPEAKER_05

Philadelphia came out this morning.

SPEAKER_02

Or maybe maybe late last night, but came out in the last 24 hours. There was a controversy last season. The season 17 poster featured all of the characters done in like an a semi-3D style that was reminiscent of AI art. Okay. And it had all the characters like struggling in the cheese and meat of a Philly cheesesteak sandwich. And they're like all laying in it, and you know, whatever. And uh people were pissed that it was AI art. They thought it was AI art, but it wasn't. The artist came out and was like, no, I fucking made that. It was meant to look like AI art, you fucking idiots. So everyone fucking calm down. Well, then they doubled down when they did the season 18, and it's that, and there's like it's like a uh a fucking tap, and it's like different brands of beer, different uh uh whatever that's called, fucking uh different beers that are named after the characters, and each one of the like the little handle of the tap thing is one of the characters, and it's clearly, clearly, so obviously AI style, and this is a super fan retweeting the discussing film post about this, the super fan at Charlie Kelly, but with a C instead of the E in Kelly, clearly, their entire existence, this account's entire existence based upon this show. Charlie Kelly is you know Charlie. Sure. And dude, they said, You're fucking kidding me. They retweeted it, that's all they said. Okay, they fell for the gag. Like, clearly, this is a gag. Clearly, they did this on purpose. Do you really think that the FX team, the FXX, whatever, Hulu, whoever it is, team fucking sent this to fucking Rob Meckelhenny and were like, is this cool for the poster? Do you really think he was like, uh, you know, yeah, I love AI. Yeah, fuck yeah. I don't know why people hate AI. Like, are you for real? Like, you really think he's greenlighting a thing that's actually AI? Like, dude, come on. Like, you guys fell for it. You fell for it. Clearly, there's going to be an episode this season about AI, about automation taking people's jobs. Right. That writes itself almost, because everyone's gonna be worried about it, and Charlie's probably not because he kills rats in the basement. So what does he give a fuck? AI can't do that. So, like, I'm sure there's gonna be some something about AI. It's very a very popular subject in popular culture. I'm sure these motherfuckers are gonna are tackling it at some point. I think they kind of tackled it last season. If I'm I don't know, the whole season blurred because I binged it. But anyway, like clearly it's a gag, dude. Like, I don't see how you don't see that. And there's all these people, dude. This whole comment section is people shitting on the creators of It's Always Sunny for okaying this. It's fucking ridiculous. That's silly. How to kill the hype for a season in one move. Oh yeah, Matt, with a fucking probably AI profile picture, you fuck. And then this person, this happened the last time they released a season poster. It's not AI, it's just the artist's art style. I'm glad they clarified that. But this last sentence, dude, which happens to be the kind of okay, that's not the post that I saw. Never mind, fuck. Hold on, hold on, hold on. The most retarded person ever. I gotta read it. Here we go. People thought the hot dog, then in parentheses, mustard can't remember. In parentheses, poster was AI too, so I'm hoping this is a fake out AI look-alike as a gag. Clearly it is. Like, so fucking clearly it is. I am oftentimes I think of myself as a fucking retard who can't pick up on shit like this, and I get fooled by when people have a gag. My I used to have a bandmate named Mike, and he used to fucking say jokes in a very serious tone, and I would take them as fact every time, because I'm gullible as fuck. But even I'm not gullible enough to realize that this is clearly a fucking gag. Like, I'm not, I'm not gonna I said that backwards, but you know what I'm trying to say. This person doesn't even. I'm sorry. Like, I'm glad that this person saw through it, hopefully, even though they're questioning it. But like, how are you, a giant supposedly such a fan of this show enough to follow a fucking fan account and comment on their shit? And you don't know what a Philly cheesesteak is. Philly cheesesteak. Wawa Eagles. That's Philly dog. Like what the fu like come on, bro. Like, what are you doing? Like Wooder. Oh yes, water. Uh there's a few more that I can't think of. Like Philly Flyers, that's a thing. That's the hockey team, right? And then uh the Philly, the what's the what's the Phillies. The Phillies. The Phillies is the goddamn baseball team and the 76ers. That's dude, if you know just cursory Philly stuff, you get most of the jokes in the fucking show.

SPEAKER_05

The cheesesteak thing is the most ubiquitous because it's food and everyone eats food.

SPEAKER_02

Everyone has a cheese. Arby's has a cheesesteak now that we had the other day, and it's fantastic. Well, it was just okay. I liked the memory of it better than the actual cheesesteak at the time.

SPEAKER_05

But the memory of us going to get it?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, dude. It was fun.

SPEAKER_05

It was a good time.

SPEAKER_02

With my pal.

SPEAKER_05

But I was trying to do a bit on the drive-thru guy, and I forgot to do it. Yeah. I got distracted. I was gonna tell him uh we were just fucking joking around and I was talking about how if everybody in the world stood on each other's shoulders, we could build a ladder to the moon out of people. And I was gonna tell him that. I said I was gonna tell him, did you know that if we stacked every person in the world on top of each other's shoulders, we could build a ladder to the moon? And he was uh he was probably gonna say something crazy back to me, but I forgot.

SPEAKER_01

Man, y'all, y'all white folks so crazy.

SPEAKER_02

Um he was a cool black fella.

SPEAKER_04

Damn, he was real, real deep voiced, he would have been like, damn, okay, I can't believe that.

SPEAKER_02

She was a prime that's crazy. He was a prime suspect. For uh, sorry for saying suspect for that guy, but he was he was a prime candidate. That's what I should have said for fucking around. For saying she, she he has the perfect voice for it. I can't believe that. I can't believe you said that, boy.

SPEAKER_05

He seemed like the kind of guy I could make up any fact to, and he would just be like, damn.

SPEAKER_02

Damn, word?

SPEAKER_05

I can't believe that.

SPEAKER_02

Damn. I don't believe you. That's crazy. White boy. Shit, that's crazy. Damn. He'll repeat that to his friends later.

SPEAKER_04

This crazy ass white boy in the drive through done told me that there's enough people to go to the moon.

SPEAKER_02

And then he passes the blunt.

SPEAKER_04

This white boy in the drive-thru. He said we have the meat.

SPEAKER_05

Smokey Robinson style.

SPEAKER_03

Man, what was that guy talking about?

unknown

He said we have the meat.

SPEAKER_02

Kinermit is smoking with this player.

SPEAKER_05

Kenermit. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

He's a Canuck and he's Kermit, so he's Konermit.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Yeah, dog. Hell yeah. Yeah, dog.

SPEAKER_02

Hell yeah, dude. And then Miss Piggy is Celine Dion.

SPEAKER_05

And then out of nowhere comes Andrew Dice Clay and he's like, Gimme the fucking meats, you stupid pig.

SPEAKER_02

I heard you got the meats. Woo! Fuck me, dude. Yeah. Alright, now I can smoke weed and listen to you. That's why I did that.

SPEAKER_05

The cheese stick was just okay.

SPEAKER_02

The bread was I dude looking back on it, if the cheese was better, top notch, and I think that's why I'm like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_05

That was what I ended up saying too. I was like, this cheese tastes like lunch, uh middle school lunchroom cheese.

SPEAKER_02

Right. The cheese was lackluster, everything else was cool. And I I think I'm remembering the bread. When I said earlier that it was that was really good, I think I'm remembering the bread the most. And it's just it kind of hit me a little bit of a nostalgia hit from when I was even poorer and I was buying fucking freezer sandwiches sometimes. Yeah. And it kind of had freezer sandwich bread quality. Cheese going on and the bread, yeah. And so it kind of brought me back to that. And also I was just rambling, so I fucking exaggerated. You're right. It was just okay.

SPEAKER_05

I think the problem is a cheesesteak is supposed to have like onions and stuff on it, and it was just meat, cheese, bread.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_05

Which is fine. Yeah. And it was fine. But like usually Arby's is fucking fire.

SPEAKER_02

I know, dude, especially with those promotional deals. Yeah. We were talking about it last week, dude. The meat was good. That's why we went.

SPEAKER_05

It was high quality meat for sure.

SPEAKER_02

Yep.

SPEAKER_05

But the bread and the cheese was like my dog.

SPEAKER_02

Woof. He's got some good meat. Green bean meat. He's got a green bean. I should paint him green sometime. He'd be the green bean, dude. That's awesome.

SPEAKER_05

Paint his dick green, too.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, dude. I'm staring at it so I'm getting some of that pet safe dog paint or whatever, like the spray paint. I'm gonna spray his ass green. And he's the green bean. That's fucking dope. I'm doing it.

SPEAKER_05

You said you were gullible earlier, and it was it made me think of this Ross video I saw. Dude, I would fall for his shit so hard. Bro, it's so fucking funny. It's not funny. Like the thing he did wasn't that funny. Just like thinking about what he did was funny. Oh that's like me with the sandwich. He went to the fucking uh he went to the beach and he paid one of those guys with those little fucking puddle jumper planes that pull banners to pull a banner that said gullible on it, and he went up to one girl on the beach and was like, Hey, did you know that it says gullible in the sky if you look up? And she's like, Ha ha, good one, you got me. I'm not gonna look though, I'm not that dumb. And he's like, No, I'm serious, it says gullible in the sky if you look up there. And she's like, I'm not gonna look. And he's like, Okay. No, but seriously, it really does say that. If you look over there, like there's a guy with a banner, it says it, and she's like, Oh, I thought you were trying to get me. And he's like, Nope, it's really there. All right, so why that's funny to me is that he paid a guy to do that for that one really poorly executed joke. Is that he paid a guy possibly thousands of dollars to pull a fucking banner that said gullible, and he only tried to pull the trick on one chick who was fucking so hot.

SPEAKER_02

When he goes to the beach or when they go to the beach, there's always shots of like all the chicks laying on the fucking beach. It's bonkers. And it's like half the reason you guys went, probably more than half, is just to get shots of the chicks at the beach. I don't know. You guys are famous, not famous, but semi-famous YouTubers. I'm sure you could pull any of these chicks, dude. Like, yeah, why do you need to show them to us? He does do that in your private time.

SPEAKER_05

Uh I wanted to read Spotify comments before we get into our next thing because we didn't do it last week and I got threatened. Welcome to the fart party and figure it out. Well, the person who threatened me will be there. Oh shit. He said we gotta fight this weekend. Shit. I it's funny because I remember reading the comment to myself at some point, but I never read it on the show. So, uh, whatever, Witch Fingers, episode 327, was it two weeks ago? A week ago, whatever. Uh, Robbie Kitchen said, I have no idea why I didn't listen uh to your guys' band song when you guys talked about it. That was genuinely surprising. You guys are pretty fucking good. Tyler, your screams are nasty, bro. And Jake is a good example of why I stuck to bass.

SPEAKER_02

Uh I don't know how complimentary that is, but Sonny goes on.

SPEAKER_05

I can't shred at all. Me neither, dude. My dad could, though. He could play the whole Appetite for Destruction album front to back. Sick. Sadly, he passed in 2024. No, R.I.P. He thought you guys were racist idiots.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, maybe not.

SPEAKER_05

This is a fucking roller coaster. He thought you guys were racist idiots, but he was a closeted one, so he laughed anyways. Love you boys. RIP for real. Yeah. Uh come to the fart party and we'll uh we can scatter his ashes or something. Oh I don't know. I don't know. You're not gonna want to do that in my life. Maybe don't do that.

SPEAKER_04

Maybe don't do that. Yeah, don't do that.

SPEAKER_05

Uh Arden Jay. I have nothing funny to say, but love the Taco Bell Glaze. And I'm curious if y'all have cookout where you're at. Cookout? Is that a place? No particularly. Great variety and everything is pretty high quality. I guess not. No, we don't have a we don't have a place called Cookout.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, there black people live in the city we live in and they have cookouts. That was where my mind went as well. We don't have a place actually called that, like an established place.

SPEAKER_05

We don't get invited to the cookout. No, apparently not, because I don't know about it. Based on what uh Homeboy said earlier about us being racist idiots. Don't get invited to the cookout. And then uh Basket said, cannot fucking believe the hush puppy slander I'm hearing right now. Listen, dude. Hush puppies.

SPEAKER_02

Hey, we said the hush puppies are the best tasting thing on the menu. It's just they're just bread.

SPEAKER_05

They're dish. It's deep fried bread, dude. Yeah, like they're just bread shit. Uh and then the last episode we did Biltong Bazooka. I laughed to myself when I made that title. Uh Basket said, hot action cop reference in the year of our Lord 2026. Hell yada. Hell yada. Hell yada. All right. Nice dude. We got uh one more segment, and we're gonna get the fuck out of here because we have preparations. Bart party preparations to get to. Yep. To the people who will be here, you will appreciate it. To the people that will not be here fucking Saturday, Friday, maybe Saturday definitely, hop in our Discord and we'll be live streaming, and you can yap with us. Segment time.

SPEAKER_00

Ladies and gentlemen, here's Tyler's top 10 list. Let's go.

SPEAKER_05

Ah sticking with the uh theme I've been doing, two top fives this week. Let's fucking go. Hell yeah, dude. The first top five for this week is the top five day ruining inconveniences. I remembered not that long ago. I did one that was minor inconveniences. Right. This is day ruining inconveniences.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_05

Alright.

SPEAKER_01

Alright.

SPEAKER_05

Number five, dude. Frickin' tummy aches, dude. Oh my gosh. I've been having some tummy aches lately. Really? And they've been ruining my day.

unknown

Damn.

SPEAKER_05

Last night we had band practice and I had a headache and a tummy ache. I was a fucking stick in the mud. At least it felt like I was, because I didn't want to fucking do anything. Um and no, you were fine. That's all there is to that. It's number five, so there's not a lot to say. Number four. Getting a phone call for any fucking reason at all.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Like this has been a fuck you piece of shit, I think. Early on. We had a fuck you piece of shit.

SPEAKER_05

Surely.

SPEAKER_02

You're right.

SPEAKER_05

It never fails that after work, I'm at home, or on the weekend, I'm at home, and I get a fucking work-based phone call. And those are the worst because I have to just stop whatever I'm doing and fucking fix some bullshit. But also, there's like uh there's never a good reason to receive a phone call. No one's calling you with great news. No, yeah. It's always like you owe us money, or I need something from you, or something horrible happened.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, someone died, you have a tummy ache.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. It's never a good reason.

SPEAKER_02

No, you're right. And then you gotta be on the phone. Yeah. And sometimes for a while, depending on who called.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, and almost every time the other person never shuts up, and you can't get a fucking word in edgewise.

SPEAKER_02

Yep. It's so annoying. Yep. And then it's that whole Carlin bit of like you're you change your voice to try to get them to realize that you want off the fucking phone, and they never do. They take it as excitement and whatever they're saying, and they press on. Anyway, yeah, it's the worst. Yep.

SPEAKER_05

Number three. Freaking running out of cigs or vape or pouches when you can't easily get to a place to get more.

SPEAKER_02

Bro. I just ran out of cigs. That is the worst. I don't know if you've seen my head swiveling around. I've been looking around to see if I have another pack from my carton around here somewhere. I'm about to get up and just go get one.

SPEAKER_05

Then this you you're experiencing exactly what I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_02

You brought it up. I'm gonna go get cigarettes. You can pause or keep talking. But you brought it up, dude. What are the odds that my exact problem that is keeping me from being uh in the in the moment as much as I can be? Come on. You want a nicotine pouch?

SPEAKER_05

No. You're such a girl. It's so funny. Yeah, I mean, like, this just happened to me the other day. I thought I had two cans of fucking vellos, but I I guess I I either lost one. See what happens is a lot of the time I leave it in the pocket of whatever pants or shorts I'm wearing, and then I take them off to go to bed, and I leave them on the floor in my bedroom, and then I forget that I had it in my pocket, so then I go to fucking pop one in and I look, my can't fucking, I got one left, and I'm like, I'm settled in, dude. I'm like, this is it's Saturday. I'm not going to the fucking the gas, I'm not gonna make a special trip to the gas station just to buy these when I thought I had planned ahead. That's what drives me up a wall. Or if I'm at work and it's like 10 a.m. Yeah, and I go to pop one in and I open it up and she's empty. What's even worse is there's a flap on the top of these things.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And uh like what I do sometimes if I'm not in a place where I can easily get rid of the one I have in, I'll just spit the one I have in in the top of the can and close it. So then I'll throw it on the coffee table or whatever, and then I'll be sitting there nice and comfy on my couch watching, you know, YouTube or whatever, and I'll reach over and I'll grab it and I shake it. Because sometimes I'll just leave empty ones around because I'm a fucking moron.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

I'll shake it and I'll hear a little something, something in there. I'm like, oh sweet. And I pop it open and I look and it's empty on the big spot, and I'm like, I'm a fucking tool. There's a dried up, nasty, previously sucked upon one in the time.

SPEAKER_02

A pre-suck, dude.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, I don't I don't I don't do pre-sucks. What day was it? Like I like on a Saturday when I was a sticky icky.

SPEAKER_02

Fuck. You kept talking, I couldn't do it. Sticky icky icky. Ooh, ooh. Some ludicrous shit. You know, some luda.

SPEAKER_05

So there I was, higher than giraffe pussy. Yeah. Yeah. Hella inconvenient.

SPEAKER_02

Play some loot at the fart party. Just come to the fart party. Roll it out. Dude, they're using that in Walmart commercials. I remember when my parents thought I was a hoodlum for listening to that.

SPEAKER_05

He's gonna get into gangs. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, it didn't help that I had a couple of articles of FUBU clothing. I had, you know.

SPEAKER_05

You had FUBU?

SPEAKER_02

I did, I know. That's crazy. I had uh Air Force Ones. No, hold on. Franchises. Steve Francis's Nike fucking shoes. Damn. So I was a little wigged out. A little. I mean, my wigger phase was pretty so they were, it was relevant, their worry.

SPEAKER_05

It was pretty early on, but I was too poor to have any real stuff.

SPEAKER_02

Oh yeah, this was like birthday, you know, was one of them. And you know, and then I think one of the Fubu jerseys, it was a Fubu jersey of all things. And uh it I got it from my buddy. My it was my buddies, and he didn't like it, and I was like, I'll wear that. That's cool. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

I had uh we went to Goodwill one time when I was a kid, and I was still wiggered out, and we found a basketball jersey. Yeah, I think it was a Miami Heat Alonzo morning jersey. Nice, and I was like, this is actually kind of fire. I remember watching the Heat play when I lived in Florida. I had a babysitter, it was a gay dude with AIDS. I swear to God, I'm not making that up. That's not a joke. I had a babysitter that was a gay dude with AIDS. Nice, and he liked the Miami Heat. I'm sure he did. We watched Miami Heat games and he was beaten off in the court. No, uh, we were just yeah. So then whenever I got a little older and I got a Nintendo 64, I had a game called In the Zone 2000. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Great fucking game. So I always played with the Heat because I didn't really have a team yet. Yeah. I just remembered that one time. Yeah, yeah. I watched the Heat with him. Yeah. And I was like, dude, Alonzo Morning rules. He would always do this move in that game, like, because he didn't really. It was hard to get dunks. Yeah. Right. So he would like his layup was this thing where he would like jump forward and like do this weird hook shot that was like kind of throwing it backwards. Yeah. And it looked sick. And I was like, dude, Alonzo Morning rules. And then like two years later, I got that jersey. I felt fly as hell. It was the is it home? I think it would be away. It was an away jersey because it was white, which is like the one you don't want. You know?

SPEAKER_02

Alonso morning jersey. Why would they sell those? Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Why would you sell away jerseys?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. But they did. Oh, they do. I mean, yeah, dude. There's like white Raiders' jerseys. I don't want that. That's I want the home jersey. That's what I got. I got it for Mendoza. Because if I ever see them play, it's gonna be away. It's probably not gonna be in Vegas. That's fair.

SPEAKER_05

At least yeah, you have a practical reason.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. But the white dude the fucking. That's why they had the away heat jersey. But the burgundy. Yeah. Sick.

SPEAKER_05

Anyway.

SPEAKER_02

It is pretty sick, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Number two. Day ruining inconveniences. Oh fuck, dude. We're feeling this right now. I guarantee you're gonna fucking agree with this. Sure. Having to cut the grass when it's freaking hot out. Oh yeah. It was yesterday, dude. Because when it's freaking hot out as heck, you gotta cut the grass. Unbelievably terrible.

SPEAKER_02

Dude, my dumbass had this hat on still from work. The black hat. And I got sweat stain on the gray of the bill from mowing yesterday. I only I only realized I was an hour, hour 10 minutes in to like a two-hour mow job. That's great. It runs with blowjob. And uh, and I I realized I had that hat on, and I was like, or this hat on. I was like, God damn it. And I I immediately stopped and I went in. I was like, it's worth an extra pull start to have to take this hat off in case it's not stained yet, and but it was already stained. And then I was like, hopefully it dries out clear and it doesn't dry out a stain, but it dry out dried out a fucking stain, and it's on there right now, and I'm fucking pissed about it.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. I had to I cut my backyard the other day with my new mower, my fucking beast of a craftsman. Yeah. I fucking I hit another one of those goddamn bedsprings. It's different when you hit it with a gas mower because you can't just flip it on its side all willy-nilly.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_05

I had to grab a brick and like set the handles down on the ground and set the brick on the handles to keep it up just enough to not like fuck with the gas or the oil. I was fucking I was so mad, dude. I was like cursing these goddamn white trash motherfuckers that live there before me. I can't wait to move out of this house, bro. Anyway, number one on the top five day ruining inconveniences.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Bro. Get into the fucking liquor store, dude? At 8 05 fucking p.m., dude? Oh my gosh. On a Sunday, dude, in the stupid in gay Indiana? Yeah. When all you want to do is grab a six-pack, dude, and drink some fucking beers, dude, with your buds on Discord while you're PK'ing on RuneScape. Dude. Ruin my fucking day.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Just wanted to drink some beers. Yeah, that's a problem. I don't think it happens to a lot of people. I think it does. As much as the rest of the thing.

SPEAKER_05

It happens to me more often than it should.

SPEAKER_02

Man, you need to put a fucking uh alarm on your phone at seven on Sunday just in case.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, I should plan better, but still. Who the fuck is it bothering to be able to buy beers at fucking 9 p.m., 10 p.m. on a Sunday? Church is over, dude.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Football's on. Yeah, really. Yeah. Sunday night football starts at like 7:30. So what are we doing? Or maybe it starts at 8. Maybe it's right at 8, but still, it's still on. So beers are still necessary.

SPEAKER_05

I can't go get more beers at halftime.

SPEAKER_02

Right, exactly. The hell are we doing? It should at least be timed for that, at the very least. We're in the fucking United States of America. I thought this was America. The fuck, bro. You're right. You got me on the train that quickly. I'm pretty convincing. When you bring football into it, you can pretty much convince me of anything. Like, dude, you have to fuck guys if you like football. What about the you don't think the Raiders fuck guys from time to time?

SPEAKER_05

I mean, if it could guarantee you a Super Bowl, that all you had to do was take one up the ass from Mendoza. Yeah. I mean, I probably would. It's a guaranteed Super Bowl.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And it's in the preseason, you take the dick. So you get to watch a great season that you know is gonna go to glory.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, he can fucking Mendoze this butt rebel if he wins a goddamn ring.

SPEAKER_05

Fernan do it, brother.

SPEAKER_02

He Fernan does it, brother.

SPEAKER_05

Hell yeah. All right. Uh so then obviously the flip side of that. Yeah. Top five day making conveniences. Sure. It made my day. It was such a convenience. Okay. Number fucking five, dude. Waking up on time, even though you forgot to set your alarm. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So sick.

SPEAKER_05

Glorious. Yeah. You're like, you wake up in a panic and you're like, shit, I forgot to set my alarm. And you look and it's 655. Yeah. What? I got plenty of time. I have an alarm that goes off at that time. Yeah. And it's that time. Yeah. My body clock is in tune. I'm primed. I'm ready. I'm seasoned. I'm a lawnmower and a hamburger.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Yes. I didn't mean to make that joke. It's it's an inside joke, guys. Okay. The the lawnmower hamburger prime. You said it for me. Yeah. That was just for Jake. That was for me. I didn't mean to make it.

SPEAKER_04

We do that sometimes. It just happened in the moment.

SPEAKER_05

Okay. Yeah, it's it feels great because that moment of panic is immediately flushed away and it is replaced with triumph.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, and joy.

SPEAKER_05

It feels great.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Uh number four. Uh-huh. It's late and you're on your way back from somewhere, and you just on your route, there's a drive-thru that's open late. Oh, okay. Fucking hey. That's pretty sick, yeah. Oh, it feels great. Uh-huh. Especially if it's a place that you just love. Right. Taco Bone. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Wendy's. Dude. BK. I was driving back from somewhere. Oh, it was uh seeing uh Nick Mullen with Nick like a couple years ago. Yeah. And uh a Wendy's was open on the way back.

SPEAKER_05

And it was bro. This exact thing happened and it was amazing. Dude, the fucking Burger King in our town is their drive-thru's open until 3 a.m. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02

Yep.

SPEAKER_05

Ha ha. A Texas double whopper at fucking 1 a.m.

SPEAKER_02

Dude, that chicken Sammy, the original chicken Sammy, dude, that's what I get almost every time.

SPEAKER_05

Is it the one that's shaped like a sub? It's a sub, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

It's a chicken sub, dude. That one's pretty sick. Fried chicken sub? Like, holy shit.

SPEAKER_05

Hell yeah. Uh number three. Yep. This one's a little specific, but when you lost something, and you're like, fuck, I don't know where I left that, and then you start looking for it and you find it super fast.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, bro. Because like you're again, like the the forgetting to set your alarm thing, it's like, oh fuck, I can't find my wallet. Yeah. And then like the first place you look, boom, it's there. All that like irritation and shit is just washed away. Yeah. It feels so good. Sick. It's usually my wallet.

SPEAKER_02

It's my keys.

SPEAKER_05

My keys are always in the same spot. I'm just not as diligent about stuff that goes in my pockets. Well, keys go in your pocket too. Yeah, but yeah. But I unlock my door. Right. And then I walk in and boom, coffee table. Right. Yeah. While it stays in the pocket, and then my pants just end up somewhere.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And I can't remember what pants I was wearing, or it's in my truck because I was drunk. Go into the Burger King drive-thru. None of this shit happened recently, guys. Don't worry about it. Uh, number two, top five day making conveniences. This is one we don't get to experience here, but I've experienced in other states. Right. And every single time it fucking makes my day. Cold beer at gas stations. Right. Fuck off with all this warm beer shit.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, it makes no sense.

SPEAKER_05

Alcoholics will drink beer if it's fuck been microwave.

SPEAKER_02

It's a stupid, it's a stupid rule. I don't understand. I mean, oftentimes the gas station is right across the street from the liquor store. Yeah. In so many configurations in our city, let alone all the other ones in our state. So, like, that's a dumb rule. It is. That's like the dumbest rule. Like, why? Like, you don't think a motherfucker will just go to the liquor store instead for cold beer if that's what they want? Like, that's the most retarded rule, just because it's it's so arbitrary. It's forced inconvenience. You you really think that's gonna cut down on fucking drunk driving? Like, drunk driving doesn't happen from the liquor store or from the guest. It doesn't happen from the point of sale. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It happens from the point of the party.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Where you consume all of the alcohol with your fucking friends or whatever. For sure. That's what the that's where the DUIs happen. Like, who are you saving?

SPEAKER_05

It's hours after the purchase, not minutes.

SPEAKER_02

It's not right then. And even then, you're not supposed to sell alcohol to drunk people.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So that rule kind of negates this other rule about not selling fucking alcohol at gas stations.

SPEAKER_05

If anything, it's retarded. It's more dangerous because more often than not, the liquor store is farther away than the gas station. Right. Because you're if you're drunk, you're okay. There's far fewer drunkor stores to the liquor store drunk to buy the beer. That's the thing. You're not driving to the liquor store sober buying it, and instantly you're fucked up.

SPEAKER_02

Right, exactly. You're going to get more beer. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. So it's farther now. Your rule doesn't cut out any anything. It doesn't cut out any of the danger of the thing you're trying to save people with. It doesn't make any sense.

SPEAKER_05

It's just adding more in your sense. Because now I have to go get the beer at the liquor store and then also stop at the gas station to buy chips. Yeah. They don't have fucking funions at the liquor store.

SPEAKER_02

Like if, okay, so let's say I go, I go to the gas station in a state where you can have cold beer. I fucking pop open the thing, I get a sixer of Bud Lights, I got I fucking buy them. I go out to my car, I fucking crack one immediately, and then I start driving. I'm not gonna be too fucked up to drive for at least 20 minutes, and that's if I start pounding beers, and I'm a lightweight.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So your rule makes no fucking sense. It's not a practical rule. No one, it doesn't work for anybody. It's fucking stupid.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. I think the open bottle law should be gone too. That too, dude. You should be able to drink a beer on your way to somewhere.

SPEAKER_02

You have well, but I'm saying you have I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about I do. What if you're what if your passengers want to drink? Why couldn't they drink? That doesn't make any fucking sense. Some states they can. You can it's not illegal to be drunk in a car. Because you can get an Uber home and that's the responsible thing to do.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

But like it's not illegal to be drunk in a car. Therefore, what does it matter if you're drinking in a car? It doesn't fucking matter. The the reason that that's a thing is is because the possibility that the fucking driver could take a drink too.

SPEAKER_05

It's easily provable.

SPEAKER_02

But yeah, he's right there. Fucking breathalyzer, dog. Like that you have that once you have that machine, that rule goes out the fucking window, man. That's fucking stupid.

SPEAKER_05

That's why I think I should be able to drink one beer on my way somewhere.

SPEAKER_02

You can literally get a misdemeanor for having a a closed six-pack of beer in your front seat. Really? I'm not kidding. I've done I've been doing that for over a decade. Hold on. Maybe I'm thinking of they could technically him like hang you up on it because it's supposed to be in the backseat. Maybe that's an Illinois thing, because my buddy from Illinois is who said that. But now that I'm thinking about it, but it's definitely a problem in our state or anywhere, I think, like generally. If you were to take one of those beers off of the six pack and throw it out the window and then start driving with that in the front seat, visible to a cop, that's a problem. Counts as an open container. If there's one missing, yes. What the fuck? Technically, it's an open container because it's not like a full as it was sold unit of alcohol. Rules are so stupid. And they can give you, they can hem you up on that. The r the dude, mothers against drunk driving is one of the one of those things that was started with the purest of intentions, but was then hijacked by bureaucracy and turned into an entire fucking quagmire of stupid laws and rules.

SPEAKER_05

The minute you give women any power.

SPEAKER_02

Dude, I it was dude, honestly, though, it wasn't even them. It was the dudes who were inspired by them. You know what I mean? The dudes in government at the time, probably 70s, 80s, whenever they started cracking down on the shit. Yeah. And like all the dudes at the time were just like, okay, ladies, we'll do what you want. You have all the pussies, so I guess we have to. And they just did it. They and that became part of the whole like dare curriculum and everything. Like, it's fucking stupid. I could rail about it forever. I hate it.

SPEAKER_05

If I showed you the that picture uh where the girl's wearing a shirt that says, I have the pussy, I make the rules. And someone photoshopped it and they changed rules to dinner.

SPEAKER_01

God damn.

SPEAKER_05

It's really funny. This was pre-AI. Like somebody diligently photoshopped that. Like they put their love and passion into that shit.

SPEAKER_02

Probably photoshopped the wrinkles to make it look right. It looked perfect.

SPEAKER_05

It didn't look like a hack job at all. But uh yeah. I should be able to drink a beer on my way somewhere. I'm not drunk. Yeah, I don't, I mean I'm thirsty. I have I would I have to stop somewhere now to get a water?

SPEAKER_02

Another place? Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Just let me drink a beer.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

I'm not even gonna finish it by the time I get there.

SPEAKER_02

That's what I'm saying. My thing is like, if you just drink like a normal human being, you're not gonna be fucked up by the time you're getting to your destination unless you're on a fucking road trip. Yeah. Unless you're going to a faraway city. I just do it anyway. I mean, the whole, yeah, the whole like open container shit is fucking stupid. It's the whole point of it is the driver is not supposed to be drunk. Yeah. Because you can crash into things and your motor skills suffer. Then test based on that alone. Yeah. Everything else is a fucking constitutional rights violation. I agree. Suck my dick. Fuck you. Fucking Jefferson was right. You're wrong. And to go back to about this, not about the slavery and the fucking as slaves, but just about this specifically, about freedom and shit. Yeah, no, he was totally right about fucking slaves. No, he was not right about that. I'm not cosigning that part. I'm saying as far as people should be free and you know, all that shit, as far as like all these rules, all these Orwellian alcohol rules that you're fucking foisting upon us. It's funny. I hate it. My vocabulary doubled when I started ranting about this, by the way. Like I have access to so many words when I'm being vitriolic, you know?

SPEAKER_05

It's really funny to think about slave owners fucking their slaves. It is weird. When on out out in the same breath, they'll call them subhuman, non-like ant they're animals.

SPEAKER_02

Well, that pussy was human, apparently. It's just human enough. You fucking bestiality. What are we doing here? Yeah, fucking weird. It's it's that's such a weird fucking like it's a social uh contagion almost. Like it's this mental gymnastics that white dudes had to do at the time. Yeah. It's fucking stupid. Yeah, I agree. Makes about as much sense as the fucking no alcohol sold at gas, no cold alcohol sold at gas stations.

SPEAKER_05

I I am realizing that more more than one of my things have been about alcohol.

SPEAKER_00

Alcohol.

SPEAKER_05

But beer's good, so get over it. Number one. I don't even have to look. I remember you should know, I guess. Top fucking five daymaking conveniences. Remembering that you're a white dude. Sure. Shit, dude. Every time like you're about to get in trouble and you're like, I'm gonna be fine. It always statistically, it always works out.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

What's the worst that's gonna happen? Yeah. I'm not on meth or the streets, so I'll be cool. It's all good. Was that by a white guy?

SPEAKER_02

Yes. Hell yeah. Yeah. Die Hard, white people. Almost across the board, except for the cop. Across the board, white dudes. Fantastic movie. Uh there's speaking of race relations, there was a uh this fucking video from 2018. And it's it's not because body cams weren't readily uh employed at the time, it's all dash cam. And it's these fucking cops. They pulled over this car because there was a black teenager in the back seat of the car, and it's two older fat white ladies in the front seats of the car.

SPEAKER_05

You might call him a leanager.

SPEAKER_02

So they pull him over and make the black kid get out at gunpoint and walk back to the sound of their voice and all that, you know? And they handcuff him and they put him in the back of the car, and then the cop who got his gun out as he's getting out of his car to go put this kid in handcuffs, it's on the dash cam. He got his gun out right in front of his dash cam. Like, dude, if he'd waited a second longer, a major element to the story that makes him seem like a fucking trigger happy piece of shit would not be there. But it's there and it's very, very funny in hindsight. And he fucking, you know, they handcuff him and then they go talk to the fucking grandma. And the gr and the grandma's like, that's my grandson. What are you doing? And uh they had just left church. Life's good, you know, like we're just a mixed-race family, just chilling, being American and free and shit, enjoying our liberty. And then these cops showed them that you're not actually free if we decide, because they did decide, Tyler. When he goes up to the fucking door, he's like, she goes, That's my grandson. And he's like, Oh, that that's your grandson? She's like, Yeah, I've known him since he was a baby. He's one of the best people. She's like making a case for this kid, like, he's not a criminal. What the fuck are you doing? Yeah. And the cop's like, Well, well, we had we had a I had a guy pull up to me in a car, and he said that there's a a a black kid who's robbing these ladies in this Lexus up there. And so I pulled you over, and I'm glad that's not what's happening. And so, okay, this must this is just a bit. I don't know why he told me that anyone can who who can read people at all.

SPEAKER_05

Do you just believe could I could I just go to a cop and be like, over at this guy's house?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. You know, you literally you literally, Tyler? You literally can. If you've watched as much body cam and wronghouse no-knock raids videos as I have, you know that you literally fucking can, dude. They believe everything that is told to them.

SPEAKER_05

I guess that's my swatting work.

SPEAKER_02

They don't check it out at all. They just show up guns a fucking blazing. And uh that's what they did. And uh, so anyway, the YouTuber who fucking uploaded this and who commented commentated uh here and there while the you know, during and and in in the punctuations of the video, he says they made this up because they gave all of the fucking dash cam footage to the fucking defense team when they sued them. And guess what wasn't on any of the dash cam footage, Tyler?

SPEAKER_05

Any evidence whatsoever of a conversation about a black kid robbing Alexis.

SPEAKER_02

And I know for a fact we would be able to hear it on this dash cam because you can hear the grandma speaking, and this bitch is like 50 feet away from the camera, and you can hear her clear as day. Now, it could be that the microphone is like one of those shotgun microphones that shoots one way and it and it's it's very precise and it's meant to be across the room or a few feet away from the speaker, uh, the person speaking, but like you think you'd be able to hear uh and oh, and by the way, uh she goes, she says, uh, is it you know it must be because uh he's black, meaning like the person in the car said that, and the cop goes, Well, this was a black guy. So he tried to cover up his story. His so like what I what what clear I don't know, man. I know I'm skeptical, I'm ACAB, whatever, but like, dude, it really seems like these cops saw the black kid in the back seat with two old white women, and maybe one of the old white women was making a distressed face in the conversation they were having when they drove by him. I don't know. Maybe the black kid was being animated and making some motions that freaked him out. I don't know, but I think this cop just had a hunch, you know. He got a hunch from what he saw in that car, and he fucking chased him down and did what American cops do too often. And just to your point about being it being awesome, being white, that's never happened to a white kid in the back seat with his grandma and his grandma's friend in the front seat. It's true. That's never happened. It's never happened to a white kid in the back seat and two black women in the front seats. Never happened with that configuration either.

SPEAKER_05

True. Yeah, all that, all basically everything you described happened to a friend of ours. Uh you remember that? Yeah. He fit a description, so they pulled him over. His car, apparently. And there was multiple fucking like cop cars. They swarmed him. Yeah, like he said. Four or five. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Threw him down on the ground, held him at gunpoint, arrested him. All for he's never, dude, we've known him.

SPEAKER_02

Squeaky, clean. Super fucking ambitious, doing his like creative shit.

SPEAKER_05

The only thing he does is smoke weed. Right, right. Everything else about him, he's a hard worker, like a super like supportive guy, like helps the community. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

All boats float around him, you know. Like, yeah, yeah. And just same. Same thing as anybody else.

SPEAKER_05

Slammed on the ground.

SPEAKER_02

It just it, you know, when you characterize it like that, it's just uh, it hits you, dude. It hurts. Never happened to me. Nope. Should have been white, idiot. The only time I've witnessed a constitutional rights violation, to be honest, as much as I'm ACAB, I haven't really seen this shit happen in person very much. Like, probably because I'm white. But uh, but but so like the only time that's ever happened was I went over to the stoner chick's house, and me and my buddy, my black friend, we went over to the stoner chick's house, we smoked a little weed, we hung out, and then I waited around and I ate food and I hung out until I was sober-ish, and then we got in my fucking Ford Ranger. I was like 19 years old, we got in our Ford Ranger. Well, Stoner Chick's sister's kids are sleeping in the room with the window right in fucking front of me. So I'm not gonna throw my headlights on and blast fucking light into that room. That seems mean. So I fucking back up and I forget to turn on my headlights. And I'm in the city, I'll go ahead and I'll name drop the city, Owensboro, Kentucky. And their main drag that I was on, I only was on the main drags of the city to get to where I was going. It lit up like a fucking, like I said earlier, Christmas tree. Fucking bright as hell, dude. And I didn't need to turn on my lights. I'm perfectly safe. If anyone runs out in the street, they're gonna be illuminated by a street light. I'm, you know, I can see everything. So I didn't even notice. Well, a fucking cop noticed, and he pulled up beside me where it's a like a one uh way road that's two lanes. He pulls up beside me, he sees that my lights aren't on, he fucking pulls up behind me, pulls me over in a fucking gas station parking lot. He comes up, he starts talking to me. I uh, you know, quickly realize the issue, turn on my headlights. He's like, There you go. He's like, Can I have your ID? I was like, sure. I gave him ID, insurance, everything. And then he goes, Can I get his ID to my black friend? And I turn to my black friend, and he's by the book, squeaky clean black dude, just like the guy we were talking about. And he gets his wallet out, hands him his fucking ID. There is literally no any law that he had to hand him his ID. No. But that would have been a problem for us if we had said no. Yeah. But he wanted to check to make sure he had warrants, see if he had warrants. Now, do I know if that guy does that to white passengers? No, I don't. But I do know that you're not allowed to demand the passenger's ID, but you can make it seem like you they need to fork it over or there will be a problem. And that's what the dude did. That's the only constitutional rights violation I've ever seen happen in real life like that, where it was actually kind of fucked up that he did that, and it was a black dude. I'm just saying. Typical. And it was Kentucky, so like, not I don't know, man. I'm pretty sure he was just being a cop, you know, like just being an American cop and making assumptions.

SPEAKER_05

Did you see that Ross video where they he pretends to be a blind guy and his house is empty? Oh, yes, yes, the moving company one. Yes, the cops in that one, they fucking own them pretty hard. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty funny. You guys should watch Ross.

SPEAKER_02

Anyway, sorry, this has been Jake's ACAB corner for the last seven minutes. My bad. Yeah. Just all the reasons why being white rules. Yeah, no, yeah, it went to that point, though. So yeah, I guess it was relevant. Never mind. I'm glad I said it.

SPEAKER_05

Anyway, that's the episode, boys. Hope you enjoyed it. Yep. Hope to see you all at the fart party, dude. This weekend.

SPEAKER_02

Hit us up so we can tell you where it is.

SPEAKER_05

This will be out Thursday. The party is in two days at that point. It is anywhere close.

SPEAKER_02

If you don't have plans on Saturday, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. You you as a bro, as a dude, show the fuck up. No chicks. Any only dudes. Do not bring a chick to my house.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Anywhere in the Indiana, Kentucky, Illinois, fucking Ohio, Tennessee. To a lesser extent, Missouri.

SPEAKER_02

Maybe Arkansas, but that's pretty far.

SPEAKER_05

Missouri is not bad. No, not too bad.

SPEAKER_02

If you're especially if you're on the eastern side of Missouri.

SPEAKER_05

Definitely, if you're in Michigan, let us know as soon as possible because we have people driving down from Michigan. They can pick you up. Ohio too. Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Michigan. So somebody can pick you up on the way and bring you back. Yep. So that's easy. Yup. Don't be gay. Come party with us. And if you can't make it, absolutely cannot. Join the Discord and uh come hang out with us in the live stream.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, dude. And we're doing some uh some extra shit on the $10 for the FART party. So if you're not on the Patreon, now would be the time. True. Just throw us $10 for this month, and you can go back in the backlog and get all the other shit and then just cancel it after one month. That's true. I mean, please don't like keep doing the $10 because we put out like extra long episodes every week that are just ten dollar and it's more personal stuff about us, and you know, and we can we say worse things and stuff.

SPEAKER_05

So quasi old shit.

SPEAKER_02

So, like, you know, it's cool and worth $10, but like, you know, you could be a asshole. I'm just saying. That'd be sick if you did that. Doors open.

SPEAKER_05

I mean, at least you get the month to decide if it's worth it. That's true. Anyway. Give us a shot, dude. Patreon.com slash fartmouth. I'm not gonna say fartmouth.com, click the Patreon button because I'm having issues with GoDaddy right now. Oh, really? Damn it. But patreon.com slash fartmouth. We'll get you there. And then the link to the Discord is in the description. Actually, the link to the Patreon's in the description too, by default. But whatever. Love you. See you in a couple of days. Bye.