Fartmouth

328 - Bill Tong BAZOOKA

• Episode 328

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This week's show features...

  • Would You Rather
  • Thyler's Top 5 (times 2!)

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SPEAKER_05

Those fucking bleeding heart liberals. There's a can who banned alcohol on Sunday? I need to get to the beginning of that.

SPEAKER_03

I think it's a religious thing, isn't it?

SPEAKER_05

I think so.

SPEAKER_03

So you don't show up to church drunk or something?

SPEAKER_05

But like after 8 p.m., what the fuck does that have to do with anything?

SPEAKER_03

Right, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

That doesn't make sense at all. Let me drink on Sunday. What if I what if there's a holiday on Monday? You're telling me I have to fucking well the thing is, it's just it's poor planning on my part, but I'm lashing out. Right. It used to be no alcohol on Sunday.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And that was the gayest shit ever. But then they were like noon to eight. And I was like, duh, that's fine. I'll just buy beer.

SPEAKER_03

That'll work, I guess. In that time frame.

SPEAKER_05

Until the one time I procrastinated and it pissed me off. So we're back to square one. Whoever banned it, you're banned. How about that?

SPEAKER_03

You're banned from fart party.

SPEAKER_05

You're banned.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

You're not coming. Alright. Anyway.

SPEAKER_03

Probably wouldn't want to follow the introduction of Farth University Chip Chip and your different department. Thank you for listening.

SPEAKER_01

Fartmouth University. That's us. Just two fucks looking for the Fart Party 3 at Fartmouth University.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, come to Fart Party 3. Two fucks.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

We're two fucks. The alliteration of the F and the F.

SPEAKER_05

I like it. Who doesn't like to f I like to I like to fuck shit up at Fart Party 3. Yeah, F is my favorite uh alliterative letter because that's the sound that usually comes out of girls' pussies. Nice. After I'm done with them, it's like nice. Yeah. It's just deflating. Because I'm pumping them full of bike bike spicy air.

SPEAKER_03

I I purposefully put air in there, you know?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_03

Back all the way up.

SPEAKER_05

I put helium up in there. Trying to hear trying to hear some real high-pitched pussy farts.

SPEAKER_03

I once heard about this like lady. Uh there's like several people removed. My mom actually told me this, which is the random, the randomest part. But uh she was telling you about queefs? Well, kinda a little but the fuck. No, like it was like it's like her friend's brother's wife or some shit, like very far removed from me, but I knew who the lady was. She went to the doctor because her like like sides were hurting, her abdomen was hurting, and and her front abdomen was hurting. And she went to the doctor and uh was and they did like scans or whatever, and then they were like, uh, do you have a lot of uh like rough sex? And the lady was like, Yeah. They're like, Well, what's happening is your uh your beau, your man, he's pushing air into your abdomen through your vagina. What the fuck? And it's making and she was like, Is that why I'm bloated? He's like, Yeah, that's that's what's happening.

SPEAKER_05

So I shouldn't put a bicycle pump in a girl's vagina.

SPEAKER_03

Probably not. I think you could probably fuck her up.

SPEAKER_05

What about the helium tanks from the Dollar General? Now that I didn't hear anything about that.

SPEAKER_03

That's my bull.

SPEAKER_05

I don't have a story for that one. I want to see if I can get her to float. I want to fill her up like that fucking fat kid on Willy Wonka.

SPEAKER_03

Gloop?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, whatever.

SPEAKER_03

Augustus gloop.

SPEAKER_05

Augustus gloop.

SPEAKER_03

Is that his name? Did I pull that right out of my ass?

SPEAKER_05

I think you did. I want her to blow up like that so she can make me gloop. It's the only way I can come these days. Anyway. She's a black collar, a hot air baboon.

SPEAKER_03

One dude, there was one time I can't remember what it was I was talking about, but I was like, and I said, get that bitch over here. I said something like that, like a little gangster, and you I got done and you were like, I just wasn't sure when you started talking like that or something.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, yeah. Oh man. Every once in a while I'll commit to a bit like that. I don't d I don't know. I said if she was black collar a hot air baboon, and I don't know if you've got to be like, that's good.

SPEAKER_03

That's good, yeah. No, it didn't fully hit me until you just repeated it.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, that's good. I got stuck in my own laughter and my own dumbass. Anyway. Welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast. A show whose host has been thinking a lot lately. Oh no. About real hard questions, you know? Like, let's just if, let's just say if the Holocaust really happened, right? Like, how come there's no holiday? You ever think about that? Yeah. Yeah. Not one Survivor Day? It'd be hollow day.

SPEAKER_03

With an O instead of an I.

SPEAKER_05

A hollow day.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, for the hollow costume.

SPEAKER_05

Not one hollow day. Got shot holiday, boom, nailed it. Yep. You know? Uh George Lincoln got theatered or something. You know, the people think that uh break a leg comes from that guy jumping off the balcony. Oh my god. Six Emperor Tyranu.

SPEAKER_03

That's crazy. That's like Knights in Satan's service and after Christ Devil Comes for classic rock bands. Yeah. I don't listen to KISS because it says not in Satan's service. That's what it stands for.

SPEAKER_05

I don't listen to KISS because they make songs about fucking children.

SPEAKER_03

I don't, yeah, I don't listen to KISS because generally it sucks. I'm sorry, but I'm not a fan. Yeah. They got a few bangers. Don't get me wrong. But they're one of the bands that like went disco.

SPEAKER_05

They dress like they dress like they're the most heavy metal band of all time. And they're like, I want to rock and roll all night. Like, what? There's you look like that and you sing that?

SPEAKER_03

There's no curse words or anything.

SPEAKER_05

They're like, heck yeah. Put another coin in that jukebox, man. I wonder what their darkest song is.

SPEAKER_03

It's probably still not that dark.

SPEAKER_05

It's unintentionally dark. It's it's Christine. Uh fucking 16-year-old girl. Anyway, every week we do a few segments that make each other laugh. I'm told I'm Jake. We're gonna get on into our first segment. Yeah, that's it. This episode is brought to you by the Fart Party. Come to it or else.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Would you rather July 17th and 18th? Hit us up for details. Alright, so last week you did uh your topic for Would You Rather was microwaves. It was this was hard, man. It was tough to think outside the box.

SPEAKER_03

I did have an epiphany, and you've already written yours, right? Yeah. Okay, so no changing.

SPEAKER_05

I think it's pronounced Epiphone.

SPEAKER_03

Nice. I've waited so long to use that joke.

SPEAKER_04

I thought of that shit like a decade ago.

SPEAKER_03

Oh my god. And I've never used it until just now. Oh my god. Holy shit. Great, bro. Uh okay. So I am going, I'm gonna hit you with that joke again at the fart party. Someone's gonna say Epiphany at the fart party, and I'm gonna hit you with that again.

SPEAKER_05

It's gonna make me laugh.

SPEAKER_03

So I almost forgot my shit, but I didn't. I'm back.

SPEAKER_05

So you know, super human or hummin, he spells it with the guy's like fuck and he jumps on a bed full of tacks or something. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's a juggalo.

SPEAKER_03

He's a juggalo and a wrestling fan, which is a hell of a lot of overlap between those two groups of folks. Oh yeah. Uh and he's in that, he's in that the middle of that fucking Venn diagram for sure.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, there's a third circle that's birth defects.

SPEAKER_03

He just all meet right there. Yeah, yeah, for him. He's the one. Actually, no, there's gonna be a few. Actually, hold on. He's just there's a population of those motherfuckers. He's just their king. Yeah, he's just has a dad with a with with service. He lives in a place that has service. Yeah, yeah. He's got a good phone plan. Boost mobile where he can tape his kid.

SPEAKER_05

The modern thing is it's uh mint. He's got mint mobile. Ryan Reynolds hooked him up. Whoop whoop.

SPEAKER_03

I think I think it is his dad taping him every time. I'm pretty sure. That's crazy. Like taking his videos. I think I might be wrong. It might be his friend.

SPEAKER_05

Hell yeah, son. Jump on that barbed wire.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. So you could go that route. Jump on to a uh a fucking uh microwave superhuman style. Okay. That was one I thought of since, but I couldn't use it because I gotcha. I'll burn it now, and maybe you'll switch one of yours to that because it's it is a pretty good one. You would not want to jump and hit your ribs on a fucking microwave.

SPEAKER_05

No, that would suck. Yeah. Let's say like, and it would be from the roof, too.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, yeah. It has to, yeah. I didn't think of all the details, but yeah, yeah. Yeah. I just thought of that element. Like, that's big. That'd be crazy. Because we don't do stunts, we're not stunt dudes.

SPEAKER_05

It wasn't open, it was laying on its back and it was open.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Clip the fucking door. Yeah. Now you just got a microwave door sticking out of your abdomen. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, fuck. You go to the doc you go to the hospital and the doctor's like, Do you have a lot of hard sex?

SPEAKER_03

Because you have a door from a microwave in your abdomen. Uh no, like if we did CKY when we were, you know, 20, yeah. Somehow, we didn't know each other when we were 20, but if we somehow had met had crossed paths, our CKY would be relatively boring in the stunt department, I would say.

SPEAKER_05

It would mostly just be like us fucking with other people.

SPEAKER_03

Pranks, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. The prank element would be heavy. Not a lot of snow. God damn. Yeah. Green tea's getting me. And the sketty. Oh no. Green tea and Betsy's. It's getting me. Yeah. Burpin.

SPEAKER_05

Uh. Uh yeah. Unfortunately, all that shit already existed when we when I was a kid. Right. When we were kids. It had already popped off. And I had like a friend group, and we liked to fuck around and do crazy shit like that. But it was at that point, it was all derivative because everything was already done on Jackass and stuff. Right. And we played nutball at one of my birthday parties. Nice. Shit like that. Cool, cool, cool. I have told you about the giant scavenger hunt thing that we did. That was kind of unique. Yeah. That would have been like a really cool like one-off thing. Like a made-for-TV movie of like a scavenger hunt we did. Because we did some wild shit. This one dude hit me in the eye bare ass. He had a studded belt. Like those those fucking like goth kid studded belts, and he fucking spanked me on the ass with that thing. And I had giant purple fucking stud bruises all over me. We ate dog food. Oh, we did so much crazy shit. We fed this kid a glass, like a fucking pint glass full of raw eggs. God damn.

SPEAKER_03

We did a lot of crazy stuff.

SPEAKER_05

But yeah, anyway. Um my would you rather microwave base would you rather doesn't involve any of that.

SPEAKER_00

Okay.

SPEAKER_05

It's a little bit different. Would you rather, Jake, have to use a microwave for every meal that you ever eat for the rest of your life. Okay. But there's a one in ten chance that when the timer reaches the end and starts beeping, each beep is a punch in the balls. Oh. You have to let you can't go, oh, there's three seconds left. Stop. No. You have to let it run to the the fulfillment of the time. And then beep, beep, beep, each one of those beeps. Yeah. There's a one in ten chance that all three of those beeps are just punches right in the balls. Okay. Or you're never allowed to use a microwave or any other form of food cooking device for the rest of your life. You can only eat food that doesn't need to be cooked any by anyone, like raw vegetables and stuff like that. And this includes like you can't go buy chips, those were cooked by somebody. You gotta you gotta fucking like everything is not cooked.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. I'm back to hunter-gatherer, but pre-fire.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. You can get like it's like cheese isn't cooked. It's like, you know, aged and shit. Oh yeah. You can drink milk and eat cheese and vegetables.

SPEAKER_03

I could drink alcohol still.

SPEAKER_05

I mean, distilling weed's not cooked. Brewing, I would say brewing doesn't count, but I feel like distilling is a form of cooking because they have to heat shit up.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, alright, alright.

SPEAKER_05

So no liquor, baby boy.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

unknown

Damn.

SPEAKER_05

Uh you can you can only eat clove clove cigarettes because they're air-dried. What? I think I think cigarettes are made in like a heat-dried processing kind of situation.

SPEAKER_03

Well, yeah, probably. Well, they dry the tobacco out before they put it in the cig, right?

SPEAKER_05

I guess you could technically eat Biltong. Or not fully, but to a certain degree. I was thinking about how much I would miss beef jerky because that's like but you can eat Biltong. Have you ever had Biltong? No. Biltong. I'm just gonna keep saying that. Sounds like diarrhea. Nah, dude, it's awesome, actually. It's just it's basically air-dried beef jerky. It's just left out in the sun or whatever.

SPEAKER_03

So some Singaporean figured that out. That's from Africa. Oh. I was getting there. It's closer to Africa than China. Uh it's like you know, you know what I mean. With the migration of people, it's closer. It's geographically and evolutionarily closer.

SPEAKER_05

Well, you know, we all come from monkeys.

SPEAKER_03

So um so I didn't go full racist on that. Uh I think it's a South African. You said Tong. Biltong. That sounds tong. Yeah. That's tong. Are you kidding? That's like you walk up to any random person. Guess what language tong is from? It's Bill Tong.

SPEAKER_05

They're gonna get one word. Okay. It's not a guy. Bill Tong. It sounds like a guy. My buddy, my buddy Bill. He figured out this air-dry jerky thing.

SPEAKER_03

Just name it. It's just his name. It's not his last name. It's just his first name. Ate a chunk of this bill. Both names, I mean. Bill Tong. You said one word and that fucked me up for a second. I remembered that and I was like, is it one name? No, no, it's two names. Uh yeah, Bill Tong. That would be my name if I was on a jackass thing.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Bill Tong.

SPEAKER_03

Bill Tongue. I'm uh I mean, how am I gonna get protein? That's the thing.

SPEAKER_05

Biltong.

SPEAKER_03

Well, not just Bill Tong.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_03

It can't just be that. I would eat just Biltong. What about peanuts? What about almonds?

SPEAKER_05

They're roasted, bro. Not roasted. Raw? Raw. I don't think that's good for you. It might be.

SPEAKER_03

Wait, so I can't boil anything. No. You can't cook. You can't cook it at all. You're eating raw. I mean, boiling makes sense that it counts, but also boiling isn't. I don't I never feel like boiling is for taste as much as it is just kill the fucking bacteria.

SPEAKER_05

Sometimes you got chicken and you gotta boil it, and there's a guy that does that.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah?

SPEAKER_05

Chicken boiler.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. We know a guy. We know a guy. Uh I thought you were about to take me on a chicken boiling uh fucking My Mom used to boil chicken boiling. Exploration.

SPEAKER_05

Uh she did? She's such a fucking white lady, dude. She was. Rest in peace.

SPEAKER_03

That's some white, that's some white lady shit to do.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, she would boil chicken to make uh fucking chicken and rice. Oh, okay. That needs to be better chicken. There's nothing appetizing about looking at have you ever seen someone boil chicken? Oh, yeah. All the fucking shit, all the coagulated blood and stuff boils to the top and it looks so fucking disgusting and it makes the whole house smell.

SPEAKER_03

It's terrible. Uh that is disgusting. It's got a nice film on the top of it. Yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_05

Once a month you can you can slurp the film off the top of a boiled chicken pie. If you need protein that bad.

SPEAKER_03

No, I'm I mean, I can go with the You can eat raw something or other, right? You can eat you can eat like uh I guess you could get pea protein and peas. Yeah, peas. Uh the hits to the ball once out of every ten times I use a microwave and I have to use that for every meal. That's only gonna be though. I mean, I have to cook something for every meal.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I can't just eat a fucking bar in the morning.

SPEAKER_05

No. I have to cook something. You can put the bar in the microwave.

SPEAKER_03

Oh my god. Can I just run the microwave and I don't have to eat anything that comes out of it?

SPEAKER_05

I guess.

SPEAKER_03

I still get the ball hit risk.

SPEAKER_05

I guess you can eat whatever you want, but the microwave has to be involved.

SPEAKER_03

Well, I have to start something for ten seconds. Yeah. You know, or five. I'd probably just do one and just have you know, just hit start, like get it over. God damn it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

That's why I hate the fucking uh the countdown shit. I told you about the time I had to get the COVID shot, and I told the doctor, we're not gonna do any fucking counting, the pharmacist. I was like, we're not gonna do any of this countdown shit. I'm just gonna stit I'm gonna sit here with my headphones in, I'm gonna stare at the wall, and you're just gonna do your job.

SPEAKER_03

I don't want to hear do what I'm paying for.

SPEAKER_05

Alright, three, two, one. No. This isn't this isn't we're not at NASA. Alright? Just jab me, you fucking geriatric.

SPEAKER_03

Oh man. I'm not a rocket right now, bitch.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, dude. This isn't T minus anything. Just poke me, f face. I hate noodles, bro. Yeah. Honestly, shots aren't as bad as getting blood drawn. Getting blood drawn feels like such a violation of uh nature. It's a lot, yeah. It's like this is not supposed to happen.

SPEAKER_03

It's like this, yeah, this doesn't naturally happen. You're right. There's never an organic situation where you take blood out. You're sucking.

SPEAKER_05

You're sucking the essence of what makes me me out of my body. It feels I don't know, I guess it does get that deep for me. I don't know. That's my oil, bro. I'm fucked in the head.

SPEAKER_03

That's my gasoline. It is like oil. Well, food is your gasoline. It's your oil.

SPEAKER_05

It is your oil, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you've ever you know when you're like really cold, like it's freezing outside, and you try to like close your hands and like it moves slow and it won't shut all the way. Yeah. Have you ever well, I don't know if you've ever operated heavy machinery like a forklift.

SPEAKER_03

A little well, not a forklift, but well, here's what I'll tell you. Here and there.

SPEAKER_05

Hydraulic fluid works a lot like oil, and that's what makes forklifts up go up and down. It's the pressure of the hydraulic fluid. Right. And when it's fucking cold, it moves slower. So you pick shit up slower. And it's the same thing with blood, is what I'm getting at. When you're cold, your blood doesn't hydraulically get I think it's more muscles. But listen, muscles need blood, all right?

SPEAKER_03

It doesn't hydroculate, if you will.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Hydroculate. Hydroculation issue. Um the microwave thing. Yeah. Mike R. Wave.

SPEAKER_03

It was it sucks that uh George Bush hated black people. I heard that once. Yeah. Um or he doesn't he didn't care about black people because they both had similar isms with words.

SPEAKER_05

You know who said that.

SPEAKER_03

Uh Kanye Wait. Kanye motherfucker. Yeah, that's where I heard it. On TV. When he was standing next to an uncomfortable Mike Meyer.

SPEAKER_05

I've seen Joe wipe a hand on the TV.

SPEAKER_03

Uh yeah. I can't afford it. Um I'm gonna go with the uh I'm gonna go with the uh I'm gonna go with option two. I'm gonna figure it out. Because I my one of my biggest uh hypo uh yeah, hypochondriac things is my balls. Like I'm afraid something's gonna happen with testicular torsion. It comes and goes. It's like once a month or so, I have like a day or two where I'm favoring my balls. Where I'm like, I feel them more, you know. Yeah, become aware. Yeah, I'm I'm aware of their physical location. Uh, you know, and I keep reminding myself, I keep feeling them, and I keep I keep wanting to pull my boxers out of my fucking crevices.

SPEAKER_05

It's like when uh when somebody's like, you know, your brain like ignores your nose, and then all of a sudden you can see it. You're like, fuck.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, right, right, right.

SPEAKER_05

Now I'm conscious of it, and I see this piece of shit in the middle of my face.

SPEAKER_03

The whole rest of this podcast, I'm just gonna be looking at my nose, blocking the microphone.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, and that's just your nuts. They're down there just fucking around.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, pretty much. It's nuts that uh when you think about how some things distract people so hard, and you're like, but you forget about your nose all the time. You forget there's all kinds of blind spots you have that you're just not aware of because your brain did that for you.

SPEAKER_05

Like, for example, your privilege. I mean myself too. Uh I'll tell you something that's kind of similar in that vein, because you were talking about your balls and like noticing them and stuff. Uh I haven't I haven't full disclosure, friends. I haven't fucked a woman in like three months. Oh, damn. And uh I don't jerk off that much. Just I just don't. There's no reason.

SPEAKER_03

Who's got the time?

SPEAKER_05

There's no reason I do or don't. I just don't jerk off that much. Yeah. So I haven't been coming a whole lot. And I've started noticing I'm like back to the teenager getting boners all the fucking time.

SPEAKER_02

Oh

SPEAKER_05

And once I noticed that that was happening, like, okay, so I'll just say, listen, th this is not in any way, shape, or form any type of sexual harassment or anything. Oh God. Just a a lady at work brushed up against me and her tit rubbed on my arm and I I I my neurons started firing. And I could feel titty meat on my arm, and I started to get a boner. I got a half chub. I went to the bathroom, I peed, and I've I've talked myself out of it. Ever since then, I've noticed that I'm getting teenager boners, and the more I think about it, the more they happen. And I'm like becoming a hypobon dreac. And uh anyway, that's all. Nice. I got a boner earlier. Today. I can't stop it. It's a physiological interaction with my blood, which is oil.

SPEAKER_03

It is circles. What is calm then? Uh like starter fluid? Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

I guess. Maybe. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03

Transmission fluid.

SPEAKER_05

It's tranny fluid, it depending on who you are.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I guess for some it is.

SPEAKER_05

No, I mean, I guess it's like uh uh what would come be? I I don't know. Windshield washer fluid? No, it's because of- Did you say brake fluid?

SPEAKER_03

I didn't, no. Maybe break fluid. Oh some fire works. Oh, Beano's gonna come up here with us now. He's so scared of the fireworks.

SPEAKER_05

I am for weakening out right now. He's so scared. Boa, I am for weaking out.

SPEAKER_03

Bro, it's not War of the Worlds, I promise. Actually, I don't know that, but I guess I can't promise that.

SPEAKER_05

Ever since a house there was a house years ago in our town that literally exploded into a gazillion pieces, and I am not exaggerating even a little bit. It was there was an entire house, and then one second later, it evaporated into a gazillion pieces of fucking debris. Yeah. From like a gas leak or something. Some of them went miles, dude. Literally miles.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Uh I was like, conservatively speaking, like 10 to 15 blocks away from when it it when it happened.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And it was so loud and so like, holy fuck, that every time I hear an explosion like that, I get on our fucking local like newswatch page and I'm like, did someone did another house explode? Like I just I feel like there's gonna be a pandemic of house explosions all of a sudden. Uh and it hasn't been the case.

SPEAKER_03

We open the fucking door too much here for that shit to happen. Yeah. For it to build up. Yeah, good ventilation going on.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Plus, I feel like you'd smell it, right?

SPEAKER_03

You would think. Or you would notice the cognitive effect.

SPEAKER_05

They put a fucking scent in it, like propane.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_05

Like propane doesn't have a smell to it. They add that to it. Right. It's stinky. So that you're like, oh fuck, there's a propane link. Right. Link.

SPEAKER_03

Link, yeah. A link in the propane chain.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, we have a we have a propane link if you want to uh go to Fartmouth uh stricklandpropane.fartmouth.com or something. Use our promo code. Just buy it. Fuck lips. Buy that domain. Yeah. Uh yeah, okay. So that's a good option for you. Eating a lot of raw broccoli.

SPEAKER_03

Well, the boy is shaking. Oh, he's a shaker. He's really shaking. There's nothing I can do about it. He's scared. What am I gonna do? He said no kieto.

SPEAKER_05

Uh all right. My second my would you rather topic is uh gay dads.

SPEAKER_03

Oh. Yeah. Oh yeah. So there's two of them.

SPEAKER_05

Or or or one. It's just the topic is gay dad. Oh yeah, I guess a single gay dad. And then in parentheses S. It could be one gay dad or it could be multiple gay dads.

SPEAKER_03

Or a school bus full of gay dads.

SPEAKER_05

It could be an entire school bus full of gay dads. Cool. Versus you with a samurai sword. Yeah. But it's not.

SPEAKER_03

I'm chopping those gay dads up, dude.

SPEAKER_05

Cutting them off at their knees.

SPEAKER_03

Chopping all those polo shirts up.

SPEAKER_05

What if they're already on their knees? Oh. Yeah. Easier. Split them in two. Split wide open. Dcap. Alright. Would you rather find out that your dad is gay and has left your mom for a man. Okay. And now you have to watch him and his new boyfriend have sex.

SPEAKER_03

Oh.

SPEAKER_05

All the time. All the time. Yeah. It's a requirement.

SPEAKER_03

What does all the time mean?

SPEAKER_05

When they fuck.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, any time.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, my dad's not probably fucking that much.

SPEAKER_05

Well, you don't know. Maybe he's doing poppers.

SPEAKER_03

He hasn't awoken sexually yet. Maybe he's doing some blue chews. Maybe. He's I hope so.

SPEAKER_05

His libido's been reawokened by his new love for cock. Right.

SPEAKER_03

Okay.

SPEAKER_05

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

Okay.

SPEAKER_05

Or father four gay boys. You have to father four gay boys.

SPEAKER_03

So a gay dad because a dad of four gay boys.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, because now you're a gay dad. A dad gay.

SPEAKER_03

Okay. So what would you figure the odds are that a gay boy enjoys football?

SPEAKER_05

Uh so how many NFL players are there right now?

SPEAKER_03

No, no, just enjoys football. There's one gay football player. No, no, no. I mean enjoys watching football. Oh. This is a selfish.

SPEAKER_05

Well, okay, so it depends. There's lots of different ways to enjoy things. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because like, I don't like volleyball. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_03

I I know what you're saying, and you don't even have to say the rest. I know exactly what you're saying.

SPEAKER_04

If it's on, it's on.

SPEAKER_03

Nice. Uh yeah, I get what you're saying. So you're saying the odds are the gay boys would watch football just to look at uh butts. Sure. Pretty much.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Those are tight pants, man.

SPEAKER_03

See the muscular men running around.

SPEAKER_05

What you got under that cup?

SPEAKER_03

Fucking sweat and tackling each other. Yeah. Okay, sure. Well, that's a point in their favor, for sure. Uh, for sure. Four gay boys. From what age? What age do I get them?

SPEAKER_05

You gotta squirt them out, dude. Oh. You're raising four gay babies.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, did you say that? Was that a component?

SPEAKER_05

Father. You have to father four gay.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, I see. Okay. That was built into the word father.

SPEAKER_05

Okay. Uh I mean, stepdads are dads and all that gay shit, too. Right. But in the context of this, would you rather you're squiring these lads?

SPEAKER_03

Okay, so from baby. Yeah. And they're quadruplets, I'm assuming. Sure, yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_05

Good luck keep this.

SPEAKER_03

This is the thing that Wait, can I space them out? Uh as long as I want. You can But they have to At what point does it have to be four from me beginning? That's the question.

SPEAKER_05

I will say the largest gap in age between them uh can be somebody said something the other day. They said they said that there that there were these two kids that they had that were only six months apart. I can't make that make sense. How the fuck does that work?

SPEAKER_03

But anyway. No, that's fucked up. It doesn't make any sense. That's like a what? I I my brain can't even put that together.

SPEAKER_05

So you must have had a I don't think it's I think they were full of shit. But anyway, six months apart. It doesn't make sense at all. I don't get it. I don't think you can, right? I think what they meant was that's her. One kid was born, and then six months later the next one was concealed. Well, yeah, I get oh that has to be what they meant.

SPEAKER_03

Well, six months, it would just be like the earliest baby there's ever been. That's what's fucking me up. Yeah. Is the second one has to be a premi, but like fucking like a turbo premium. Like so small, like a little baby bird, dude.

SPEAKER_05

Like Yeah. Oh all veines. You only have two options. You can have quads or you can have twins, and then a year later, two more twins.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_05

Those are your options.

SPEAKER_03

A year later, a year between the twins. Yeah. Okay, then I'll just do all four at the same time. Knock it out. I thought if if you can get space, then by the time you get to the third one, you know what the fuck you're doing. You know?

SPEAKER_05

By the time the third baby's gay, it's like, can we just abort the fourth one? All this this is too gay.

SPEAKER_03

I mean, they're just gonna live, maybe adopt and die. What? Just kidding. They're a drain on society. Yeah, right. Uh no. They're gay people are by default anti-abortion, you know?

SPEAKER_05

By default?

SPEAKER_03

Oh or pro-abortion, I guess. No. No, no, anti-abortion. Yeah, I had it right. I was right. Because they don't make babies. You know what I mean? I get it. So they don't contribute to the abortion problem.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. I got in an argument with a Harland Day one time because I was like, I'm not pro-choice or pro-life. I'm pro-abortion. She got so mad. What? I was like, you don't understand what jokes are.

SPEAKER_03

First of all, population control. Second of all, you don't understand what jokes are. First of all, it's not that bad of a suggestion. I'm not saying we do it by race. I'm just saying we fucking just do it. You start abortion. If you're not ready, don't have it kid.

SPEAKER_05

Abortion starts at pulling out. Right, fellas. That's the first trimester abortion. That's right.

SPEAKER_03

That's a negative trimester abortion. That's right. Fuck yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_05

Uh so yeah, the the gay boys uh yeah. You have them all so the thing that I thought about that would make this the most difficult is like how hard it would be to keep them from fucking tugging on each other's wieners while they're growing up. When you have four gay sons, like No, dude.

SPEAKER_03

Gay people uh aren't automatically uh incestual.

SPEAKER_05

I'm not saying they aren't it's just like being a boy around a bunch of other boys and you like boys and you're all naked and shit. They're gonna touch each other's wieners.

SPEAKER_03

Well, up until like four, who gives a fuck?

SPEAKER_05

Sure, but I think it's gonna get worse as it as it progresses.

SPEAKER_03

Oh no, they'll they'll get over it. Kids get over that shit. They get over that shit. I mean maybe I would raise four gay boys, but who fucking cares? That's fine. There's a lot of shit I'm not gonna have to deal with. Yeah? I'm not gonna have to deal with having fucking a grand baby that I have to take care of because, you know, my piece of shit straight son isn't gonna do it, you know?

SPEAKER_05

What if he's gay for a trans man? They can have babies.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, well then that happens, I guess.

SPEAKER_05

And that one in eight billion.

SPEAKER_03

God damn, I guess that happens. No, one of them is gonna like football. Gay people like football, just like everybody else likes football. Maybe not, you know, to the same extent, but like not quite that at the per capita level.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_03

But there's still some. There's some gay dudes that like football. Yeah. There's gay dudes that play. There's definitely gay dudes that love it. So I'll be able to watch some football. Gay people like video games, be able to play video games with all fuck, dude. That's crazy. We'll have to get two switches. I have to get another switch so we can play Mario Kart together.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Well, they're gonna want to play like uh in this scenario.

SPEAKER_03

I'm assuming my life as it is has is has ended, and then now this is my new life.

SPEAKER_05

I guess.

SPEAKER_03

Because it's a cop-out to just say, well, I'll raise them with her and it's fine, you know, like she'll take half the work.

SPEAKER_05

Just let her take all the gay shit.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

But I don't I I feel like the would you rather means in a theoretical world where this is just my life. I'm doing it alone. Well, I would want the diaper stage over as quickly as possible.

SPEAKER_05

Oh man.

SPEAKER_03

So for four kids, it'll be over in a year and a half, two years almost, maybe.

SPEAKER_05

And then a juggling fucking poop, man.

SPEAKER_03

I know. And then and then you fucking uh, you know, you do the do the uh potty training with the fucking stupid little plastic toilet, and then you are done with that. Yeah. And it's better. And now they're walking around, you have to keep up with where they are. So I would fucking, I don't know, maybe implant air tags in their fucking spines or something, something where I know what the fuck they're up to all the time. I'd have cameras everywhere everywhere. I would hire flock to bring in fucking cameras for me to do facial recognition on these little fucks.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. They'd all make sure there's four of the same one. They're all gonna just gonna be in the bathroom doing makeup the whole time, dude. Nah. Easy to figure out where they're at.

SPEAKER_03

Nah. Well, a lot of gay dudes work out. That'll get me exercising, dude. When they're like 10, 11, 12, starting to like work out for like middle school sports, they'll be looks maxing, bro. Hard hell yeah, dude. We can fucking hit ourselves in the jaw with hammers together and shit.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, get that perfect bone structure. Yeah, dude. Get some buckle fat removal. Oh. Oh that shit is so crazy, man. It's crazy to see celebrities doing that.

SPEAKER_03

Just be Cinco Ariana Grande's, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, well, that's five.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, there's five of us.

SPEAKER_05

You're one of them. You're one of the gays in this situation. I gotcha. Dude, I gotta support them.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I gotta do what they're doing.

SPEAKER_05

Well, I mean, yeah, good for you, dude. Way to be uh you know a sate, you're a sate, you're a hero.

SPEAKER_03

I'll just be running around the they'll all be on the same sports teams growing up if they want to play sports. Yeah, cheer. Cheer, yeah, sure, dude. Tumble with their thumbs up chicks' asses. And they'll be like, cross.

SPEAKER_05

The cool thing though, I guess another plus in the favor of this is like they're not gonna be the only gay kid at school getting bullied.

SPEAKER_03

True.

SPEAKER_05

They will slap fight the shit out of bullies, bro.

SPEAKER_03

It's four on one, bro.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, they roll four deep. Stay away from my brother at home. You're a fucking scum. They're all gonna be so little, dude. They're gonna be little four little twinks running around.

SPEAKER_03

Little divas. I get them all rainbow clothes from Target, too, though. Oh hell yeah. Straight up. Just all come the complete Rainbow Target collection for all four of them. And they just switch out Rainbow Shirk.

SPEAKER_05

They're all gonna be Lady Gaga for Halloween.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, bro. They're all gonna be like girl characters and shit, you know? Like cosplaying is it's like they're not they're not trans, but it's like fun to like dress up and drag, you know. Yeah, because you didn't say trans, you said gay, so I'm sticking with that. Sure. But gay dudes like to dress up as chicks sometimes as on a goof.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, just for shits and games. They really do. It's a thing. Sometimes straight dudes do it.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. True, true, true. Those dudes closeted. Yeah. Dave Grohl with the dress on and like eight Foo Fighters videos. Like, we get it, bro. We get it.

SPEAKER_05

We understand your fantasy. Yeah. You don't have to keep shoving it down our throats.

SPEAKER_03

Oh yeah, oh yeah. I have something.

SPEAKER_05

Do you now? Yeah. Do I need to play a drop? We do have a drop. Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what it is now. I remember it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guys, this is a segment we haven't done in fucking forever. Get ready.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

Brought to you by Gather around reading reviews break it by spards. And they're gay.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Uh yeah, I got a random review I happened to see on the internet. And I was like, that's gold. And it's been a week since I've read it, so I'm also gonna be reading it kind of for the first time. This is for a local bookstore. Okay. Not to us, but just a small. It's a small mom and pop type dealio, right? If I could give it zero stars, I would.

SPEAKER_05

I love when reviews start like that.

SPEAKER_03

My husband and I walked in after dinner Friday night, and although the book selection was great, I could get better prices at Barnes and Noble.

SPEAKER_05

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

Wanted to try a new store. Also, there's a no outside food or drink sign, but you sell drinks. Very contradicting.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, that's I mean that's how you run a business. The fuck?

SPEAKER_03

Also, the bathrooms, major turnoff.

SPEAKER_05

Why are you trying to get turned on in a bookstore bathroom?

SPEAKER_03

Right? Who puts whatever with a bunch of symbols as their bathroom sign for women and men? All right. All right. I wouldn't trust my kids going into the bathroom like that. Okay. Was our first time there, and it was very disappointing. And I won't go back.

SPEAKER_05

Oh my fucking God, dude.

SPEAKER_03

I just loved that they misunderstood and just just completely missed everything.

SPEAKER_05

Every possible point they made is like, yeah, that's the way it's supposed to be.

SPEAKER_03

Their life was wasted in that place. They just could not their life is wasted in general. Everything they do, they just don't understand.

SPEAKER_05

I mean, like, point by point, yeah, it's a local bookstore. They're trying to make money. Barnes and Noble is a global fucking powerhouse. Like, they have distribution and deals and all this shit. They get pricing and blah, blah, blah.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Like they're the Walmart of bookstores. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Of course, their shit's gonna be and their stuff is not cheap, by the way. No, it's not. Compared to like, I mean, that's why Amazon's putting them out of business. They've had to like kind of redirect the way that they work. And it it's working, which is good for them. Sorry, I'm burpee. But yeah, like the pricing, shut up. It's a local thing. Like you're supporting a local business. That's a whole different thing.

SPEAKER_03

You should expect to pay more doofus.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Uh and then the no outside food or drink. Okay, yeah. They sell stuff there. They don't want they want when people come in to be able to keep running their business. Yeah. It's so stupid. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And the back- Why would you take a drink into a fucking bookstore?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

That the getting a book wet is like one of the ways you can ruin it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

So it makes sense they wouldn't just want people willy-nilly bringing a bunch of liquid into their fucking bookstore.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. It's also like disruptive to other people because I'm sure it's like a McDonald's cup full of fucking ice. Yeah. Yeah. They're sloshing around everywhere, slurping on their fucking food while people are trying to shop.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And then the bathroom thing, it's like, okay, we get it. You're a fucking cheese Louise.

SPEAKER_03

We know who you voted for. It's fine. Yeah. I mean it's not, but it's fine.

SPEAKER_05

It's it's no different than unisex bathrooms, which have existed fucking forever. Yeah. Like family bathrooms at the movie theater. Yeah. Which I always go to that one, by the way. It's so much closer.

SPEAKER_03

Dude, I've never done that. I always go to the mail, but at a fucking bookstore, like a local one, it's probably just a fucking room with a toilet and a sink in it.

SPEAKER_05

Just one, and that's it.

SPEAKER_03

Right. Why do you need why does that need to be gendered? That makes no fucking sense. I agree. Because it's one person at a time, anyway. So, you know, the worst case scenario, you forget to lock the door, which is on you, and someone of the opposite gender sees your fucking junk.

SPEAKER_05

At a certain point, should we not just switch to just it just says bathroom on it? Like why does it why does it have to be a symbol of any gender or whatever? You know, like because there used to be a place that you and I would frequent in town that was very progressive, and they had two bathrooms side by side that used to be gendered, but then they just they changed the little gender sign to a a whatever kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like, yeah, like cool. But at what point do we just not it just why does it why can't it just say bathroom?

SPEAKER_03

Right.

SPEAKER_05

Because we all know what that is.

SPEAKER_03

Right. It it only makes sense at places where there's a bunch of fucking toilets in the room because it's a giant, it's a stadium or it's a whatever where there's a bunch of people there. Yeah. That's the only time it makes sense.

SPEAKER_05

I mean, I'm not saying I'm anti-gendered bathroom. Right. I'm saying if there's one bathroom, yeah. You don't have to put a political stance on the door.

SPEAKER_03

Right, exactly.

SPEAKER_05

You could just say bathroom.

SPEAKER_03

But I I guess putting whatever on there, yeah, like you're saying, I guess both in both cases it's kind of like, huh. Cause you don't need to do it. We figured it out. Just put bathroom on it. Even if there's two of them, put bathroom on both, because it doesn't matter who the fuck goes in there. It's gross anyway. You're supposed to wash your fucking hands when you leave. Like because it's gross.

SPEAKER_05

I went to the place one time and they had one bathroom and it had it said men or women. And then there was another door that said trans bathroom, and I opened it up and it went outside. I made that up, but it's really funny. That's a funny idea.

SPEAKER_03

That is fucking amazing. It could also be back in fucking. Jim Crow times white and black. It could there's so much that could be.

SPEAKER_05

This is the Black's bathroom, and it's a door to the alley.

SPEAKER_03

The dumpsters right there outside the door.

SPEAKER_05

There's yeah, there's one of those one of those old classic old like uh steel trash cans, like in the from the Popeye days, and it just says inward toilet above it.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

That'd be great.

SPEAKER_03

If it was if it was my bathroom, it'd be your fucking mom, dude.

SPEAKER_05

Oh yeah. On her knees, I guess. Uh anyway. Tattooed on her forehead, and there's an arrow all the way down to her mouth. An arrow pointing right now. Oh it says piss here. Piss here, Patty.

SPEAKER_03

On her chest, it says it's brothers only. Shit landing pad. Shit uh shit lily pad. I'm trying to think of some something artistic that for shit to land upon.

SPEAKER_05

A target like a target with points. You get more points the closer to her heart you land your love brown.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_05

I don't like this fantasy anymore.

SPEAKER_03

Love sausage. No, that doesn't work either. I mean it does when you love loaves. Love loafs. That's great. Pinch off a love loaf on the test. Dude, that's what I was looking for. I couldn't figure any shit puns out at all.

SPEAKER_05

Oh fuck me. All right, next time we're going to go.

SPEAKER_03

Ladies and gentlemen, here's Tyler's top ten list. Let's go. Everyone's excited that it's it's your top ten. Top five. They always spark channel. God is not Jake's right now.

SPEAKER_05

He's high as hell. Um this is I I figured out after last week's top five times two that uh it makes a lot of sense that when I do a top five list, I can just do the top five best and worst of said category. Yeah. So I'm gonna I'm gonna play with that for a while. It's a great idea, dude. Uh so my first top five of this week's episode is deal breaking physical features on a chick. These are things that I see on a chick, and I'm like, I don't care how hot you are, this is a deal breaker. Okay. Like you could have you could check every box in every other category I have mentally. But this one thing about you, sorry, it's a no from me, dog.

SPEAKER_03

Randy Jackson. Exactly. Yeah. On the mows.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, yeah, dude. You are not the fucking uh American Idol I'm looking for, baby girl. Yeah. Uh number five. Now, the reason this is number five, I'll explain. But number five is missing a limb. Oh. It depends on which limb. Oh. Right? Because like I feel like I could rock with a chick that's got like one and a half arms.

SPEAKER_03

Okay.

SPEAKER_05

I can't, I don't think I could probably deal with it if a chick had one leg. Yeah. Because it limits mobility. Right. I like to move around. You know what I mean? Like I'd fuck a girl with one leg. I feel like it'd be interesting if she was hot. Okay. But I couldn't like you know, I can't see I can't make a life with a one-legged bitch. I can't have a pirate hobbling around my crib all the time.

SPEAKER_03

Oh man. You gotta bring her shit all the time, dude.

SPEAKER_05

I can't have IHOP around She's gonna be making me pancakes, jumping around and shit. Like Tigger. The fuck. I just it's distracting, man. I could do the one arm thing though. I feel like it would be alright. Yeah. Like if they got one like to here, you know? Just a little bit of elbow meat. I feel like you got that that little bit on the end, you could wrap that shit around and kind of do the chicken dance on my dick with it, you know? No no no no no no no no no no.

SPEAKER_03

Come, come, come, come.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, that'd be kind of awesome. I don't know. I I don't feel like I could ever look at a girl after she does that. I feel like if she jerked me off with her fucking stump, I don't know if I'd be able to look her in the eye ever again. It's like the level of degeneracy that just took place, you know? That's a lot. I don't know. But like how many like smoking hot chicks are missing a limb? Not that many.

unknown

No.

SPEAKER_05

Anyway. Number four is uh way too tall. Yeah. Like 6'2. Felt. I I don't know, dude. Yeah. It's just like, what are we doing? Like, I'm not gonna like tippy toe to kiss you. Yeah, that ain't fucking happening. You're gonna have to start slouching and it's gonna fuck your posture up, and then we got medical bills and all this shit. I don't want all that. And like their proportions are all fucked. Yeah. It just not it doesn't vibe with me.

SPEAKER_03

Bro, massive hands.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, dude.

SPEAKER_03

WMBA hands. That's a problem.

SPEAKER_05

My dick's gonna look like a fucking toddler wiener in her fucking big old mitts. That's why it's a problem. I feel like I'm gonna be getting jerked off by like Carl Malone or something.

SPEAKER_02

What am I? A 12-year-old girl?

SPEAKER_05

What the fuck? Yeah. I saw a video recently of uh Patrick Beverly, an NBA player, finding out that.

SPEAKER_03

Yep. Popped onto my algo as well.

SPEAKER_05

His face was so funny. Yeah. He looks like, oh my god, he looked like they were telling him he was adopted.

SPEAKER_03

I always heard he was the mailman. Turns out he was the mailman that was fucking little girls in his fucking truck, dude. Yeah. On top of all the bills. That's a thing we've all heard of.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Carl Maloma's the mailman, right?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, it's just the mailman fucking little girls in the back of his truck. Yeah, dude. Not a reference.

SPEAKER_03

It's usually ice cream man, but you know, the mailman can he's the candyman.

SPEAKER_05

He can be uh He was the mailman and the candyman.

SPEAKER_03

Be weary, leery, whichever word makes sense, of your mailman. Yeah, dude. That's my message on this episode.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. I told this dude the other day he was yapping and being annoying. And I was like, shut up. You're like a fucking chihuahua, and I'm the mailman. Like I got shit to do, and you won't shut up.

SPEAKER_03

God damn, that's crazy.

SPEAKER_05

Well, I didn't care.

SPEAKER_03

You felt like saying that to me, haven't you?

SPEAKER_05

Never. You have Chihuahua-like qualities.

SPEAKER_03

I'm not gonna doubt that part of the metaphor.

SPEAKER_05

But it's more like the Yo Kiro type. I I Kiro. Well, yo means I. Yeah. I want to hear your bullshit yapping. It's entertaining to me. Yeah. And he was just like, shut the fuck up, idiot. Anyway. Yeah. Way too tall. Not into it. There's no redeeming. There's nothing. There's no coming back from that. Again, would I? Probably. Just the one time. Yeah. Just to s how the fuck is doggy style gonna work? No, never mind. Am I gonna get on a fucking squatty potty?

SPEAKER_03

I said yeah, but I didn't mean yeah. Yeah, that that's dude. That's so troublesome to think about the logistics. It just I'm done. I can't like I can't even like throughout my life. I've been like that. Like, nah. I feel like a banging a horse or something.

SPEAKER_05

Just like you're too big. Whoa. She's down on her knees in doggy style, and I'm standing up down in a way.

SPEAKER_03

She's like, Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Nay. I say nay to that.

SPEAKER_02

I say nay to that as well.

SPEAKER_05

All right. Number three, this is kind of obvious. Uh-huh. No tits, no ass. Like, it's a problem. If you're flat-chested and you got a fucking plank behind you, I just, you know, you can be pretty, but like, the the sex is gonna be horrible. It's just not gonna be great because there's nothing to like latch on to. I'm gonna look you in the eyes the whole time in front of you. I'm not gay. You're not one of my four sons. Yeah. Again, maybe I would bang, but like this is this is the end of the maybe I would bang. Oh. This is the last part of the the tier where I'm like, maybe, but I don't the thing is, like, I don't even I would never strike up a conversation with a girl. That sounds horrible. I mean, I don't mean like in the sense that I'd be like, well, you're not a person. I mean like I'm not gonna there's not gonna be any flirting. There's not gonna be I'm not gonna be like, yo, check this chick out. Like, I'm gonna see that you're as flat as a fucking board, and I'm gonna be like, well, I guess this is gonna be platonic and fun. Not uh yeah, just I I can't I you have to be attracted to the person that you're with. That's really all down, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

It's your list.

SPEAKER_05

And I like tits. So anyway, number two, this is where the line has been crossed, and I just I can't it's something I can't overcome.

SPEAKER_03

Uh snaggle-toothed. Oh, dude. Where there's like one that's like migrated up in a weird way, and it's like in front of other teeth and mouth, all fucked up.

SPEAKER_05

Just all forms of fucked up, okay, pointing the wrong way, overlapping. Right. Several missing, blackened. Like all that. Yeah. Oh fucking dead tooth. Oh god. Oh, can you imagine making out what dude? Yeah. No. Just all that fuck. Like, you were a kid at one point. Your parents clearly did not love you. If they like, that's the time to get braces when you're a dumbass little fucking kid. Yeah. Adult braces don't bother me, by the way. But like, if you're 30, you're pr in this scenario, you probably are because I'm like interested in you relationship-wise. You could have the fucking just bow titties and like bow, booty, and like everything else spot on. You got that grill all fucked up. You smile. It's it's so distracting that I could not get over it.

unknown

Oh man.

SPEAKER_05

That's all I would be able to think about. I have this autistic fucking obsessive compulsive bullshit going on in my head. Yeah. And I would never not be able to think about it.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

It would drive me up a wall. So sorry. Sorry, snaggletooth sluts. I got nothing for you. And obviously I'm a catch, so like I'm sure you're fucking depressed. Yeah. Number one. Okay. I think it's pretty obvious. Uh, number one on the list of deal-breaking physical features on a chick.

SPEAKER_03

Okay.

SPEAKER_05

You know what I'm gonna say.

SPEAKER_03

Do I?

SPEAKER_05

You know what I'm saying? You guys get where I'm going with that?

SPEAKER_03

Does Jabba the slut uh spell it out for you?

SPEAKER_05

I could fuck with some some chunky chicks. Don't get me wrong. But like hanging over the sides? I don't think so at all. I don't fucking think so, dude. Yeah. If she got a fupa, I ain't the troopa.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, really?

SPEAKER_05

Nah, dude.

SPEAKER_03

Fupa at all?

SPEAKER_05

Like just flapped over?

SPEAKER_03

Oh, yeah, yeah. I know what you're saying. Yeah, like bh.

SPEAKER_05

I mean, there's obviously levels to the Fupa game.

SPEAKER_03

Right, yeah. A little, you know, like there's like skinny chicks with like a little more foop than you would assume.

SPEAKER_05

Just a little pooch is no big deal. I'm talking like fucking gunt. Yeah. I'm talking gunt territory. I get you, I getcha. It's I don't know what the number is. Obviously, heights and all that shit matter, BMI, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But like, there's a limit. And I always know it when I see it. It's one of those. My brain just goes, nope. Yeah. Instantly. There's not a like, well, maybe no. Well, maybe doesn't exist. It's like that, uh-uh. Every time. I know it every time. Um so yeah, I only fucked one girl that was over the limit. And I was, you know, I was pretty fucked up. It was a wild situation. She had really long fingers, too. That was weird. She was jerking me off with really long fingers, and I was like, I know.

SPEAKER_03

Really long fingers and also really fat? That's crazy.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. I mean, she was a large person in general. Yeah, okay. She was she honestly, she wasn't snaggle-toothed, but and she wasn't missing a limb, but she was way too tall. This is a this is what you know how like there's the seven deadly sins in the Bible and shit? Like the mortal sins. Right. Being fat as fuck and having no tits is like you might as well just what the fuck, dude. That is God hurt. You're hurt you. You're cursed. That is a curse. Like, that's like someone in your lineage like traded their soul for fucking beans or something. Cause the bonus, the the fucking the contration prize, yeah, yeah, yeah. For being a fat lady is you got big old fucking honk oodle-doods. If you got to like 250 and you're still in fucking little little uh, you know, uh when they the bubble wrap that's not like the little bumpies, but like the big fat fucking bumples. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like those just on the front. Uh-huh. Why did that happen? And what's crazy is like their butt their gut is so big, their tits are never gonna sag because it just sits right on top of her. She's got a built-in bra underneath. Yeah. It's not under wire, it's under gut. She's got titty under gut.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Um they always smell weird.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, that's yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, that's what it is.

SPEAKER_03

Huh. I think I think if you're that put off by someone's physical features, then you just think they smell weird. You know?

SPEAKER_05

No.

SPEAKER_03

I think there's a thing with that.

SPEAKER_05

I mean, I've I've smelled fat girls before.

SPEAKER_03

Cause like, even when my chick's sweaty, she smells good. Like, I still I still think that's a good one. She's not a fat girl.

SPEAKER_05

Well, no, I'm talking specifically about fat chicks.

SPEAKER_03

I just mean in general, like uh, but yeah, I I'm saying like I think also what well yeah, you are talking about pretty fat. So never mind. No, they just have I'm talking, you know. They just have bacteria stuck in the folds that they had can't wash, right? I guess it's gotta be something.

SPEAKER_05

Something or they haven't washed, or whatever they're eating care of. Got all kinds of weird stuff in it and they're sweating it out. That too, yeah. Maybe some yeah, a lot of preservatives. Just a BO factor.

SPEAKER_03

I'm guilty of that though. I can't talk shit about that. Well, as long as you bathe. I can't I can't mouth people for not having willpower. I'm still smoking cigs. I've tried to quit twice, very fucking publicly, to everyone I know. Yeah. And went right back.

SPEAKER_05

I don't, you know, I'm not saying that like super fat people like most of the time, yes, they are deplorable human beings, but not all of them. Right. It I've watched enough 600 pound life that I know all these people are they're all victim mentality bullshit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

It's like they're neurotic as fuck. Shut the fuck up. You almost have to be to like deny, like to some extent, and it if if I had a fucking like video tape, if if I had a camera in my lungs and I had a feed, a video feed is what I meant to say, of my lungs and saw what smoke was doing to them, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, it's not as uh evident what your affliction is causing.

SPEAKER_03

You know, so maybe then so but like yeah, if oh my god, dude. That I've I don't know. I don't know. Well, it's also it's also something I've never had to deal with, you know, because my dad gave me this fucking super metabolism, which has its own diuretic issues, but uh but yeah, I so I don't I don't know. I don't know the struggle, I don't know the willpower struggle of that. Yeah, it's a different thing.

SPEAKER_05

Well, I'll t I'll say this not all, right? Not all of them are deplorable humans because the ones that aren't like that fucking victim mentality bullshit or whatever, uh-huh, they get the surgery and then like they have they're the success stories that make you know the five percent that actually succeed. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

You did it the right way. Like the actual fucking hard willpower away.

SPEAKER_05

I've yo-yo'd, man. I yo-yo a lot, but I did the first time I like went from 462 down to 200 pounds. No, so like I'm I'm fucking chunky right now.

SPEAKER_03

You're still there, like you're still like you know, I'm having lost it.

SPEAKER_05

I'm a chunky thick boy. That's all it is right now. But I was, you know, I was probably a year and a half away from being able to go on that show whenever I was at my fattest. Yeah. I was a fucking monster, dude. But then I just ate well and went to the gym. And yeah, I had the the willpower was there. It was just overburdened by depression.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And then I got out of that situation and well, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

You are the success story. You stopped, and you were like, what the fuck am I doing? And you stopped and you did the things that you were supposed to do, you know, yeah, that you kind of like that that like are the best for you as well. True. Methods.

SPEAKER_04

Meth. Meth.

SPEAKER_03

Anyway. Yeah. I uh so I I can't, you know, I don't know. Yeah. I'll defer to you.

SPEAKER_05

All you fat ladies out there that are into me, sorry.

SPEAKER_03

I'll make some fat jokes, then I'll defer to you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Find hey, fat white women. Find your skinny black guy.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, yeah, that's the cheat code.

SPEAKER_05

I fucking love that shit. Why are you barking up this tree? Go find a dude with bad credit.

SPEAKER_03

His mind's fixed. Go finance a motherfucker.

SPEAKER_05

Mine's is fixed, dog. Uh all right. So part two, obviously, the opposite of deal-breaking physical features on a chick is game changer physical features on a chick that will make me overlook other flaws. Oh. Yeah. Okay. So this is like, oh shit. Like, this is a good enough uh feature that I'm like, okay, there's some there's some stuff going on here, but yo. All right. Okay. Number five. Now this is a little bit controversial to say.

SPEAKER_03

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_05

I think partially because I think all five of these are probably going to be controversial to say. Not at all. This is controversial to say because you might argue that it doesn't fit on this list. Oh, okay. But I would argue that it does. Okay. No mental illness. It is there's a most mental illnesses, there's a chemical imbalance in your brain. That's a physical thing. If it can be handled with drugs or, you know, something along those lines, then I think that it counts. So I'm saying mental illness. None of that. If you got your shit figured out, I could overlook some stuff.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Well, what about like latent mental illness? Because almost everybody has something like that. Dude, that's the thing.

SPEAKER_05

These bitches, these chicks, dude. These gals, they are so good at hiding their mental illness until we were talking about this last night. I don't think you were in the room, but at band practice last night, uh, we were talking about chicks that are fucked in the head like that, and it takes them like a year and a half to finally reveal their like oh no. No, yeah, you were there. We were talking about it. Was I? Yeah, we were talking about uh I don't know. I'm always stoned to practice exes that you and I have had that were like fucking turbo codes.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

But it took them like a year, year and a half for it to reveal itself.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Chicks are fucking real good at hiding that stuff. So like late. They can be, yeah. Sure. Yeah. But like, you know, sometimes you either got it or you don't. Okay. And you can tell.

SPEAKER_03

Well, latent when it's latent is basically none. You know, you he can't pick up on it. You'd be like, huh, this is pretty awesome.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. And then if you're not the type of dude that does stuff that brings it out of them, then you never know it's there. Yeah. And yet they could take that shit to the grave. And they fucking better.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. I mean, uh, I guess it could go on the list, but like, I don't know. I don't know if that would be just because it's like everybody's got. something. So you're basically asking for I'm talking about unrealistic.

SPEAKER_05

I'm talking about the major ones. Like the like the big three.

SPEAKER_03

Like well borderline personality disorder is like the one. That's the most destructive, obviously. Yeah. That's the most like like one second is different than the next second crazy swings from one to the other. You know?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. That's number one of the big three. Fuck. Number two would be bipolar. Yeah. Which is in the in a similar vein. And number three would be liberal. I'm just kidding. Good one. No, just like major depression where they're like, you know, are holed up.

SPEAKER_03

Oh like reclusive. Yeah. Yeah. Like, yeah. Where they're like not eating, not doing the not being a human. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Which sucks for them, but I I don't have to deal with that. Yeah. Number four, a little bit of a turn. Yeah. I would hope. DSLs, dude. Oh. Some big old fucking dick sucking lips. Okay. Some fucking slobber knockers, brother. Yeah. Yeah. I'll overlook a couple things for some DSLs. Okay. Especially if she'll use them for what they're made for.

SPEAKER_03

And I don't mean eating. We covered that in the last list.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, no, this chick's gonna be skinny. In this scenario, she's gonna be gobbling on fucking uh tube steak instead of fucking donuts, brother. Yeah, okay. She won't be slurping down long john, she'll be slurping down this John on the John.

SPEAKER_01

Wumpkin impromptu.

SPEAKER_05

Uh not much else to say about that. Number three, these are all over the place, dude. These are fucking all over the place. Number three, kind of a curveball for you, Jake. You ain't gonna see this one coming. You ready? Sure. Latina.

SPEAKER_03

Oh yeah I'm not I did not see that coming I I don't know what it is dude.

SPEAKER_05

Is this just like a lately thing? No. This has been an always thing and I've just never really pursued it. But fucking Latina chicks are hot as shit. They just all the things that I like about chicks physically they just were born with it all the time. Okay. It's like a lot of like any attractive latina Latina chick just has all the things I like about chicks. Also culturally way easier to control I am ripping farts today. I don't even remember what I had oh yeah beef jerky that's what it is Bill Tong Bill Tong Yeah Bill Tong presents Fart Party 3 Party 3 with musical guest Bill Tong Yeah dude just there's so many hot Latina chicks I made a joke one time uh oh fuck I forgot my boss was there. That was crazy. Uh we were at lunch at a at a Mexican restaurant and they were asking me about like well what do you got going on? What kind of chicks you fucking around with and I was like I don't know dude I'm not really not really getting out there right now I'm not trying to although I have since we've been sitting here I've been thinking about kidnapping one of these little waitresses they got running around.

SPEAKER_03

And they were like what the fuck I was like I'm joking kidnapping I'm kidding dude I'm not gonna put one on my shoulder screaming out to the parking lot I figured I'd carry him like a briefcase you just pick them up by the belt loop fucking carry him out like the black pants that they're always wearing.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah yeah yeah just loop through that belt loop and then carry them out like a fucking like a bowling bag. Yeah I don't hurt your polo shirt yeah no you gotta you got work tomorrow babe come on dear yeah or uh I guess it'd be like Mi amor yeah yeah that's yeah you got it nailed it yeah I don't know dude I've always had a thing for Latina chicks uh I've just I've never really been with one there is one at work that's really hot but she's married to a black guy and I'm not trying to get shot oh man it's funny that that I've had all these thoughts for so long and I've just never said them out loud I'm like yeah it is it is kind of funny I've never I never laughed about that thought but I did have it shot the first time I saw her like we were out at a social thing outside of work and her husband showed up and I was like I mean I could probably take him but dude he packs a pistol for sure and then and then I was like I'm not gonna try to fuck some married Latin girl she's just hot. It's just the thoughts that occur to me when I'm walking to the bathroom after a couple of beers. Yeah they're innocent. Till proven not actionable exactly number two now we're getting into the duh territory. Okay yeah for me I'll tell you what there's a lot of physical flaws on a chick I will overlook if she has red hair and green eyes that is the my fucking kryptonite dude there's a couple of chicks that I've got some threads woven in with right now that have red hair and green eyes and I'm like trying to keep myself from just instantly falling in love with them. Cause like I'm primed to like everything about them already and I'm just like I know I'm gonna I'm gonna be like that fucking girl who falls in love with the lead singer of a band in high school like even though he's a piece of shit you know and like looking at you brand new exactly bro like there's this one we went out to lunch a work lunch thing and this one of the companies we do business with just hired this chick and she's like 26 and she's fuck dude she's she's actually hot like that's the thing like she's a redhead but she's also actually fucking hot and super fucking fun. Like she was very silly the whole time we were there and we were like we got talking about card games and shit. She was like laughing at herself about she plays bridge. Yeah and I was like that's funny because she's like an old lady but she's only you know not and then I we started talking about Kemps. I don't know if you know about Kemps.

SPEAKER_02

I've heard I've seen people play it I've never played it.

SPEAKER_05

Well I started explaining Kemps to everyone else there at the lunch and she joined in and explaining what Kemp's was and I was like I will fucking marry you you're so hot and you know Kemps and you're joining in the conversation and and this is this was the fucking like the nail in the coffin for me was she was like kind of bobbing her head side to side and like dancing around in her seat and I looked over at her and I just said what song you got stuck in your head and she like giggled and put her hand on my arm and was like oh my god how could you tell and I was like well look what you're doing and she told me and she's like describing the song and like going into detail and I was just like I won't tackle you to the four you don't understand how horny I when did this happen uh the other day when no it was Tuesday really like just that close yesterday in proximity to today? It was yesterday it was either yesterday or Monday it was that recent are you guys Facebook friends yet? No damn but I texted the dude and I was like well okay wait wait no no wait wait let me let me explain let me explain what's her deal let me explain okay because that phrase was used oh shit that was the very first thing I said to him the minute I saw her and she walked away I said so what's her deal and he thought I meant professionally and he started going on about like oh she's a sales engineer and blah blah blah blah I was like yeah that's what I meant Andrew and he laughed and walked away I was like hey hey get back here what the fuck so he walked away and then we all went and sat down she sat next to me by the way and uh and like yeah 10 15 20 minutes into it she's like hey can I go to the restroom I was like sure so I got up I let her out and I sat back down and I looked at my boss across from the table by the way my boss knows my deal yeah she when when like new hot chicks get hired at work she always comes up to me and she is like don't do it don't fucking do it and I'm like but come on yeah anyway she knows my deal come in and uh I looked at her and she looked at me and she just she smiled and I was like do you know what I'm thinking and she's like I do oh my god and uh the other guy his her coworker he was like I don't know what's going on right now I'm out of the loop and I was I said to him I said do you do you still talk to your parents and he was like what the fuck do you still talk to your parents he was like yeah and then so my angle right yeah was the birds and the bees right that was that was the joke I he's he finally said yeah and I said well maybe they'll tell you about it someday that's that's just good old fashioned fucking that's just good old fashioned humor and then right as I he was like what the fuck are you talking about right as she said that she came back. Yeah so I was like well I goofed I goofballed my way out of all that and then he was fixated on it for the rest of the meeting he couldn't stop thinking he was like what in the hell are you talking about I was like don't worry about it man figure you'll figure it out so then that's when I texted him after the whole thing was done and over with I texted him and I was like I was gonna you know see what her deal was and then the thing about your parents was the birds and the bees and he was like oh he's like yeah I don't know I have I've never that hasn't come up in conversation yet and I was like well I was only half joking so don't worry about it. Oh okay I played it off cool cool cool anyway redhead hot fun cute cool we'll see what happens anyway number one on the list of game changer physical features on a chick that will make me overlook other physical flaws would you like to take a guess I I already know what it is you already know what it is yeah you want me to say it I'm gonna say it okay bazook bazookas dude if she's packing artillery dude like an M1 Abrams tank dude bazookas dude yeah yeah I'm with you on that I like boobs I'm a tick guy if a girl's got a fucking pair of honkers on her I mean I ain't gonna look overlook the top three things on the list from previously but there's a couple I mean dude she's missing a leg and she's got some fucking honkadoodles I don't know old McDonald's got a fucking do his thing every once in a while plow you know yeah dude Phil's ain't gonna get plowed on their own boy even if the the donkey's missing a leg we still gotta plow that's right I'll fucking I'll shack up with a tripod if she's got a couple of fucking missiles on her dude she got some tomahawks dude toma honkers dude some toma honkers that's what I'm talking about toma knockers you know yeah dude she's got a couple of fucking predator drones on her chest roo hell yeah dude I'll go to war oh yeah yeah yeah I can pilot those things for sure I'll hop on the sticks real quick yeah buddy yeah good it's a good time I like tits they're definitely a good time I like a good set of fucking torpedoes brother yeah yeah hunt for red noctober hunt for red noctober man yeah it's just me it's me and fucking Jack Nicholson down there in the trenches slurping them from the bottom it was the breast of times it was the breast of times I mean there's not the second half doesn't work on that yeah yeah yeah yeah that's all I got dog that's all I had that's my hella misogynist top ten list I had a review yeah yeah I'm not beating the allegations this week I'm just horny as far as the people who are mad at me on Twitter. Oh fuck 'em so uh this is the second to last episode you guys are gonna hear before the fart party and we're not gonna stop hard selling you on it if you're even thinking about it just we're live we live in Indiana it's not that far from anything or uh some last minute plane tickets there's a few places that fly direct here for pretty cheap and we'll pick you up from the airport. You'll have a place to stay you'll have plenty of illicit substances to insert into you and there'll be great food, great booze, great buds, good times, lots of fun to be had so think yeah come on come on uh check out our Discord for information or sign up for Patreon patreon.com slash fartmouth there's a free tier that you can just message us and we'll tell you where to come and how to get here. Yeah dog otherwise uh we'll be live streaming a bunch of this shenanigans in the Discord so definitely just join that and uh we'll at everyone whenever we're gonna go live and pull up the camera feed and then we'll have microphones everywhere so people can interact. You can be at the party if you can't physically make it we won't punish ya but we will yell at you on the TV. Oh people are gonna be fucked up and drunk and high and all kinds of shit and we'll be screaming at you. It'll be fun. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Um so yeah fart party three coming soon July 17th and 18th yeah check it out and if you're if you're not on the Patreon now would probably be the time oh yeah to join up there's gonna be special shit coming out on the $10 stuff that is fart party related and uh yeah you're gonna kind of be able to keep up with the fart party even if you're not here if you join the Discord and you're a $10 person.

SPEAKER_05

That's true. Lots of free there's gonna be so much content coming out of this fucking party dude yeah dude it's gonna be bananas.

SPEAKER_01

Yay catch you later Alleger sign up for a Patreon Find out how we caped your mom just two queers posting across three tiers one five or ten US bucks to hear us say worse than fuck So give us your money sometimes we're funny over on Patreon We love you very much.