Fartmouth
The most raunchy, stupid, and irreverent comedy podcast on the internet. The podcast equivilent of getting a lobotomy.
Fartmouth
327 - Witch Finger Fries
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This week's show features...
- Would You Rather
- Thyler's Top 5 (times 2!)
In my intro song just so we're clear. The episode started. We were going. I hit the button and it nothing happened and and did I say that? Say what?
SPEAKER_02Did I did you record me saying that?
SPEAKER_01I think it's fine. You know what? We'll figure it out. Yeah. We'll see what hey. You know what? I don't care. We'll see what happens.
SPEAKER_02I don't care to give the people a little little foreshadowing.
SPEAKER_01For a little hearkening.
SPEAKER_02Harkening's hearkening's better than foreboding. Yeah. I don't want to be the harbinger of something. I want to be the happy go lucky messenger of something.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, dude. It's way better to be the you know the guy from the berries and cream. Berries and cream, berries and cream. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's better to be that guy than to be one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
SPEAKER_02Sure.
SPEAKER_01That is fucking that is fact.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely. The following filth is a production of the Farming University Chip Chick and your Demon Rick Department. Thank you for listening.
SPEAKER_00We call teasing a cold spell when it's in the teens.
SPEAKER_01A cold spell or a fucking case.
SPEAKER_02A case of the common cold. Uh-huh. Yeah. Or statutory.
SPEAKER_01I didn't say it could be 19. I didn't say. Oh, right. I always forget that gross people think there's a difference between 18 and a child.
SPEAKER_02As soon as I said it, I was like, wait. But you gotta commit when it comes out of your face.
SPEAKER_01It's always like when I was 20, it didn't gross me out. But now that I'm in my 30s and I see like I'm scrolling through like Pornhub or whatever, and it's like 18-year-old. And I'm like, no.
SPEAKER_02First of all, she's at least 23, let's be honest. Sure. And second of all, gross. Yeah. Why are you using that as the thing?
SPEAKER_01Why would that why would that be a point of you know, something to point out?
SPEAKER_02I mean, we all you get the picture in the thumbnail, you can see if she's youthful enough for your jerk sesh. Yeah. Anyway, so why do you need to specify? I guess it's for the 20-year-olds.
SPEAKER_01Probably. I guess I don't I just think that every consumer is me.
SPEAKER_02I don't want some old bitch. I don't want to look at some fucking catcher's mitt of an old bitch.
SPEAKER_01Well, I I don't remember who I was talking to this about, but uh dumbass 20-year-olds. I remember when I was like 23 and uh Drake came out with a new album, and I was listening to it, and he said he was he was going on and on about how young he is, and he's like, I'm only 27, and I'm like, You're fucking old, dude. What do you mean?
SPEAKER_02You're about to retire.
SPEAKER_01I'm so fucking young. I'm only 27. I'm like, bro, I'm 23. You're a fucking dinosaur. What are you talking about? You're gonna need a cane in two years, dude. Yeah, and now that I'm 34, I'm like, fuck, dude.
SPEAKER_02Do you have a will? Drake? At 27, you need it.
SPEAKER_01I mean, he I hope he did. He got bodied so hard by Kendrick Lamont. I just I don't know. This 27 is so young to me now. It's like you know, same. Like that's like look at these whipper snappers at 27. 27's damn near my cutoff age for fucking chicks now.
SPEAKER_02I asked 27-year-olds for help with my phone.
SPEAKER_01I don't take it that far, but I don't. I'm just but I imagine like a 23-year-old girl, I'm just like, I don't want to talk to you. What are you what are you gonna have to say to me that I want to fucking hear at all? Yeah, Disney princesses or something? Get the fuck out of my face.
SPEAKER_02Honestly, what are what are we gonna talk about? Nothing. Like my me and my chick are eight-year gap, but luckily she had she had a dad who listened to sick music. He l he fucking rode around with a kid in the car, multiple kids in the car, listening to Limp Biscuit, dude. Nice how sick is that?
SPEAKER_01Well, I've also seen like she watches old movies, like she doesn't watch kid shit. Right.
SPEAKER_02That's that's the only way it works. You notice when fucking DiCaprio's got like a new 20-something year old, she don't last very long. Yeah, she's only on his arm for like six months because he's tired of her not getting any of his any of his references. Yeah, like I need a bitch with a way older brother.
SPEAKER_01I'm tired of hearing about all these new pop artists that I don't know that who they are. Yeah. Anyway, welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast. A show whose host is starting to think he might secretly be a black guy. Always late, check. Loves chicken, check, smokes blunts, you get the point. I'm a black guy. It works with every ethnicity, by the way.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I love rice. I know some form of gay karate. I work with computers, Chinese. Burritos, love them. I have a job, but I'm still somehow lazy as fuck. Yup. I catcall women, duh. Mexican. Works for every race. But I'm gonna stop at three. Every week we do a few rotating segments to make each other laugh. I'm Tyler. I'm Jake. We got a couple segments for you. We're gonna do a show and you're gonna like it. You do. Hell yeah, dude. Let's fucking do this. Uh, I'm hoping that you remembered that you have shit to do this week. I did. Word. First segment of the show. It's an oldie, it's a goodie, it's your daddy.
SPEAKER_02Would you rather well like the people diagnosed with the disease? Uh cancer really threw me for a loop.
SPEAKER_01Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um I I didn't know what to do it about.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_02I I thought about it periodically over the last week. I think I settled on something alright. So would you rather? Get a ball, one ball, one testicle, and three inches of your penis removed.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god. Or then I'm only left with seven inches of penis. JK, JK, JK.
SPEAKER_02Or by the way, when people say JK, immediately I think they're saying my name, and then I my brain goes, whoa. Every fucking time. Anyway.
SPEAKER_01What do you did?
SPEAKER_02Uh trans rights or human rights. Um get a ball and three inches of your penis removed, or shave your head bald. See, those are both you lose a ball when you have cancer sometimes, and you shave your head bald, but when you're or you're in a you lose your hair when you have cancer. So that's how it's related.
SPEAKER_01So your question for me right now is if I want to chop off three inches of my dick or shave my head? That's your question?
SPEAKER_02I I just assumed you valued your hair more than you do, I guess. More than my dick? Are you insane? Well, yeah, but three is not okay.
SPEAKER_01Do I want to shave my head? Okay. No. One. Do I want to lose the best three inches of my dick? One, one. One inch then. One inch. Let's go to one, sorry. Any amount of dick lost is a fucking hard no. Okay.
SPEAKER_02So can I fix your would you rather the ball? Just the ball then.
SPEAKER_01Can I fix your would you rather? Alright, sure. Hey guys, it's me, Jake News. Here I am with another stick. Would you rather? That was me taking a puff off my sig because I'm fucking rad. Yeah, no, I'm some I'm fucking badass. I'm getting cancer right now. I'm fucking badass, dude. All right, so here's here's your would you rather? The first thing is fine. You know, it's a dilemma. A ball and three inches. Horrifying. I got dick cancer and ball cancer. It's spreading. Ah. Or you end up with stage four lymphoma. Oh. And the chemo makes all your hair fall out, and you've only got five years to live. That's a dilemma right there.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Yeah. I should have thought of that.
SPEAKER_01A life with no dick or five years of good dick and sympathy pussy.
SPEAKER_02God, I'm so glad my second one's better. Because that that one really does suck, doesn't it? Uh, I just thought you valued your hair more than you do, I guess. I do value my hair. I I do understand it. Now that you're saying it out loud back to me, totally get why it's ridiculous.
SPEAKER_01But name other than dying, there's nothing on me I value more than my dick. As a as a male human being. Same probably.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Maybe my hands. It's a close second with my hands, but fuck.
SPEAKER_01I mean, I'd figure it out. They got prostheses.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but both hands, that's a problem.
SPEAKER_01That's a would you rather?
SPEAKER_02I mean skin cancer is pretty rare, I think. Well, yeah, but you just lose it. You just skin cancer on both your hands. You gotta lose them. Right. Uh, but like, yeah, fuck me. All right.
SPEAKER_01That's that could be it.
SPEAKER_02So now I have to decide between lose both your hands or the the dick and and the nuts and the my first one.
SPEAKER_01Five years to live. That's rough. I remembered, so I tuned you out while you rambled. I remembered the the dilemma. Okay. Five years to live is pretty rough, man. Oh, yeah. We're going back to yours. Okay. And I mean, obviously, like I have five years to like just fucking go. Go after it.
SPEAKER_02Just yeah, live life.
SPEAKER_01Living it up, dude.
SPEAKER_02You also have the cancer, so you know, you're gonna be throwing up a little bit, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Throwing up a lot, and you know.
SPEAKER_02I can handle all the stuff from movies that cancer people do.
SPEAKER_01Right. You're gonna be a bummer, just a bummer. Yeah. Um, but you know, you got the sympathy puss thing, but on the other side, I think a a big part of what helps me attract the ladies, a couple of my peacock feathers. Mm-hmm. Up top, dude. This mop I got draped off my fucking scalp. It's not for everyone, don't get me wrong. Right, right. There's a lot of chicks that aren't into it, but the ones that are are fucking super in.
SPEAKER_02It knocks the piss out of the population for sure.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but it tr it attracts the right type of ladies, which is part of the whole deal. Yeah. My feathers are the right color for the right type of uh females I'm trying to breed. The right cattle I'm trying to fucking wrangle. Yeah. Um branded.
SPEAKER_02The holes you're trying to fuck from a few.
SPEAKER_01Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, I I I was trying to come up with what I was gonna title that episode, so I skip around and I look for like in the waveform, just a little inside gap for you guys. Oh Gapes ball jinx. Uh I I I want to talk about something else. Don't let me forget.
SPEAKER_02Gapes ball. Yes. Okay.
SPEAKER_01Just bring up Gapes ball here in a few minutes. Okay. Um I lost my train of thought. Oh. Gapes ball. Before that. All right. Well.
SPEAKER_02Just do Gapes Ball and maybe you'll come back.
SPEAKER_01Gapes ball reminded me. I was thinking about this earlier. I I have another segment later, but this is a little whatever, dude. I want to make a top, I want to make a top five list of Jake isms, and I want you to make a top five list of Tyler Isms. That's a great idea. I think that would be really fun. Because I thought of this when I because I like I like stupid shit that rhymes a lot. And sometimes you guys never hear them because I don't say them in front of people. Because one of the dumb ones that I say every time that it's summer, I get out of the truck with the AC, you know, I get out into the heat, and I'm like, God damn, it's hotter than a Harry Twater out here. And that is stupid. No one needs to hear that. But I love those dumb little things that rhyme. Yeah. Sniper put them in a diaper. That shit, dude. I fucking love that shit. God damn. It tickles the fucking shit out of me. But anyway, yeah, I think uh top five of Jakeisms and a top five of Tellerisms are fun.
SPEAKER_02Maybe we should do that in a couple weeks. For the fart party. Maybe the fart party. Yeah, that's a that might be enough time.
SPEAKER_01That's a good time to do it. Because then other people might shout out shit that they remember us saying.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Hit the comments with some Jakeisms. Yeah, that would be great.
SPEAKER_01Oh, and then uh I'll probably snag two. We gotta remember to look at Spotify comments this week. Yeah. It's your turn.
SPEAKER_02Well, yeah, I actually I I just thought of that and I was like, I'll do it between Would You Rathers.
SPEAKER_01Perfect.
SPEAKER_02Uh so let's go ahead and do that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, while you're pulling it up, I honestly like it would be rough. Ah man, I don't want to live with only a four-inch penis, dude. I don't at all. And one ball missing, it the one ball missing becomes the most not big deal ever when three inches of your dick get cut off. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, whatever, dude. Right. Just doc, please take the small one. You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_02Like Dave England, Tom Green, they've all gotten pussy.
SPEAKER_01The drummer of our band?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Ballless.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. His wife continued to have sex with him.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And from his reports, great sex. Yeah. He says good time. He's a dripper, though. That's the drawback. I think that's ripper. I'm a dripper and ripper.
SPEAKER_02To go to your thing. Yeah. Yeah. I liked it, obviously. To hearken back to it and I laughed.
SPEAKER_01I liked it. Um, yeah. I'm gonna go with the uh I think I gotta go with the five years to live. I feel like, you know, I've done enough. Yeah. I I nailed it. Whatever. What do I gotta drag this out for even longer?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Sure.
SPEAKER_01I'm at the I'm at the peak. Five years from now, all downhill.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01All downhill.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you're keeping the plateau going. Like we both are at this point. Like that's that's where we're at in life. Is how long can I keep this plateau going? Yeah. Before a health scare or something. It sends me careening down toward the end. Snowballing with medical expense until the end. That's so depressing.
SPEAKER_01But wake up with new pains, like, oh god damn, my back already hurts. What else is gonna hurt now?
SPEAKER_02Uh all right, these comments. Arden J last week. Which actually hold it, I fuck was last week. Uh I said a few weeks ago. I thought it was at least two, but it was last week.
SPEAKER_01I look at the waveforms on the fucking thing to find the episode title. Yeah. And I went to the biggest waveform and it was me screaming about how I hate women or whatever. Yeah. I was like, God damn, I was on a fucking I was so mad about the idea of a chick that you're dating is somehow has enough authority to make you in trouble. I feel like that's a weird like soapbox to be on, but if you guys think about it for long enough, it makes perfect sense how infuriating that is. Like you could be mad at me. That's fine. Yeah. I'm not in trouble. Sorry.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna get back into it. No, you got uh you got just as mad at that as I did like a few weeks before that about my boss.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02When uh when we got the comment about it being scary, how mad I got.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02I lost control for a minute there. I was just screaming.
SPEAKER_01I lost control too. I had never thought the fucking words, you're just the hole that I fuck. Those are not it occurred to me while I was screaming mad about something. Yeah, that's not something I've ever thought of before.
SPEAKER_02Oh man. So uh Arden J says uh Tyler has a surprisingly good Nick Fuentes impression.
SPEAKER_01Did I?
SPEAKER_02That's a nice compliment.
SPEAKER_01Cool, thanks, man.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I for I forgot we talked about Nick Fuentes.
SPEAKER_01Oh, he was making fun of me going on about how much I hate women. That's what it is.
SPEAKER_02Oh nice, dude. That was a sweet little okay, good one.
SPEAKER_01Good.
SPEAKER_02Oh man. Uh, and then Ed Rod 405, like the name, says, I first heard G. Willakers from a black fella.
SPEAKER_01Whoa. Wow. Uh 405 is um that's Stockton, California. Oh shit. That's where the Diaz brothers are from. Wow.
SPEAKER_02Hell yeah, dude. Um word. Um thanks for the comments. Come to the far party. Yeah. Um, yeah, we can talk raiders. Uh, all right. My topic that you have to do one for next week, which I feel like this has come up before, this this thing in Would You Rathers, but I can't remember the exact context.
SPEAKER_01Perhaps.
SPEAKER_02Microwave ovens. Oh, okay. A lot of places to go with this.
SPEAKER_01True.
SPEAKER_02And I I think I I thought of one creative one and one that hopefully matches the creative one better.
SPEAKER_01You just remind I have to I have to say this. Sure. On the Patreon, we were talking about that Ross guy that makes those funny videos. Yeah. One of the one of the ones I forgot about that made me laugh so fucking hard, they rigged a toaster so that when it went off, it shh shoots the fucking shit way up in the air. Yeah. And the so the whole time they were like, we got this toaster, they showed what it did, whatever. And they're like, and then we got a special surprise for this microwave. And I was like sitting on my couch watching this video, vibrating, hoping to God they were gonna do what I thought they were gonna do with the microwave, because I knew it was gonna be the funniest fucking thing ever.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And they had a couple people do the toaster thing, and then this one guy put some oatmeal in the microwave, and dude, it did exactly what I thought it was gonna do, and I fucking screamed laughing. They set it up so that when you start the microwave and hit the fucking go, you know how inside the plate turns your food so it cooks evenly? They made it so the entire microwave in a circle. That's great. Oh my god, it's so stupid, but it's so fucking funny.
SPEAKER_02Ross is the goat, dude.
SPEAKER_01Dude, that guy is so great.
SPEAKER_02Uh okay. My favorite one that I saw just because just because it was such a like, it was a random idea that they were like, yeah, we're gonna do that. They have a vending machine, and in the vending machine is a bunch of dollars in every spot. Uh-huh. And he takes a Coke out of his pocket and puts it in the vending machine, and then a dollar drops 12. And he gets it out and walks off like he's got a snack or a drink. Fucking amazing, dude. Oh, it's so stupid. Oh, okay. Good love, Ross. Well, speaking of microwaves, even though I brought it up, uh, would you rather poop into a Tupperware container, seal the lid completely, and then microwave it until it explodes. And then repeat the process weekly whilst you use the microwave to prepare every meal for a year. So 52 times you have to explode poop into the microwave.
SPEAKER_01You guys have no idea how reliant on microwave technology I am. Same, dude. Oh my no, dude. Yeah, dude. Like, like lunch and dinner every day. Every day. I'm not like I mean, on the weekends, maybe I'll fucking like order some wings or something.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Well, you have to microwave those in this scenario. Everything you eat, every meal you eat.
SPEAKER_01Even without that caveat. I mean, I use the microwave probably 13 times a week.
SPEAKER_02Damn, dude. Oh no. 13 times 52. What's that? But uh that's how many times that's too much poop.
SPEAKER_01Too goddamn many times, too much shit laden Marie calendars meals. Yeah. There's too much shit rice. There's extra beef in this pot roast.
SPEAKER_02Uh or mix microwaved cum into your coffee for a year. Now, that on its surface, I do know this doesn't sound equal because the cum will kind of disappear in your coffee, is what what you're thinking. That's what I would be thinking.
SPEAKER_01Sure.
SPEAKER_02But you have to jerk off every morning that you want. Because what do you do right now for a morning?
SPEAKER_01That sounds like heck, dude.
SPEAKER_02What do you do? What do you do every morning for your drink?
SPEAKER_01You know, for like uh I get a wake up. A bottle of water out of the fridge, and then I grab a packet of great value energy drink mix that's 120 gram milligrams of caffeine and mix it.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Even better.
SPEAKER_01You gotta cum in that. Is it microwaved?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you gotta, yeah, you gotta because then it's not congealed, it'll be liquid, and you know what I mean? It'll pour down in there.
SPEAKER_01Oh man.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I don't like that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. But you either eat shit or drink cum for a year, basically, is the idea. But the shit though, the way it evens out is that the shit is like, as long as you're pretty smart about how you microwave stuff, you're you're only gonna get maybe a dripping or two.
SPEAKER_01Well, you're gonna have a lot of shit fumes.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, true, true, true. There's just gonna be the essence of shit in every meal. Right. But the cum, you're actually drinking the cum. Like you have to finish that bottle. It is. Like you would every morning.
SPEAKER_01It is my own brand, which helps. In both cases. No. No, no. Shit is shit, regardless of what butt that it comes from. Okay.
SPEAKER_02Well, cum is cum.
SPEAKER_01Here's a an interesting philosophy.
SPEAKER_02That might be the gayest thing I've ever said. Interesting what?
SPEAKER_01Here's an interesting uh philosophical question for you. Sure. Is it worse to eat human shit or dog shit?
SPEAKER_02I think just because of the difference in digestive systems, probably human.
SPEAKER_01They do say if you like put another if a if a guy is happy, like he's a happy guy, yeah, and you put his poop up your bow, you become a happy guy.
SPEAKER_02Right. Poop poop osmosis.
SPEAKER_01I wonder if that works if you ingest it. Yeah. Maybe that guy's got gut problems and now your stomach hurts. Or it could just be because you ate shit, you fucking idiot. Oh no, man. Yeah. Yeah, I think human shit. I guess if you have to eat shit, yeah, of course.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, of course. Yeah. It's not even a question. Especially if you've ever smelled dog diarrhea.
SPEAKER_01Like problem. I don't know.
SPEAKER_02You remember when you came in and Raya had shit in the fucking kennel?
SPEAKER_01Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_02That's way worse than 99.9% of the shits I've ever taken. Yeah. I would say. There might be one or two of my worst shits where I was sick or something that smelled worse, but I don't remember it like I remember her shit. It's fucking terrible. German Shepherd shit.
SPEAKER_01I've dropped some diabolical bombs, dude. There's some shits I've taken that almost made me gag.
SPEAKER_02Especially your protein bar uh fixation for a while.
SPEAKER_01You know, the only reason I hadn't been eating them is because I was a little bit broke for a while. Yeah. Open season. Protein bars are back on the menu, papa.
SPEAKER_02Dude, I had one like one time. I had a Quest and it it fucked my guts.
SPEAKER_01Oh, Quest Quest protein bars will fuck you up.
SPEAKER_02Dude, I never went back to any kind of protein bars.
SPEAKER_01Like normal ones, Quest is a special deal because they got all kinds of weird stuff in there. Apparently, yeah. To make it like keto friendly. I don't know. Like something. Like the beers from uh King of the Hill. No, uh, they've got like keto stuff in there. So it fucks your gut up more because like your body isn't used to digesting all that extra weird fiber stuff. Right. But like the no the protein bars that I well, obviously you've smelled my protein bar farts. They're still pretty brutal, but the quest ones were way worse. I don't that almost ended a relationship for me. I had to stop eating Quest protein bars or get a new girlfriend years and years ago. Man, those fucking blueberry ones are hard to blueberry muffin quest protein bars? Fire, dude. Fire.
SPEAKER_02A fart that ends a marriage. Yeah. George Carlin. Oh. Had to give him credit. I can't I can't I can't bite the king and not give him credit. For sure.
SPEAKER_01So poopy in the microwave for a year or come in my uh morning drink for a year.
SPEAKER_02For me, it would be my green tea right now, because I'm not doing I'm not doing the coffee. I should go back to the coffee. Especially if I'm gonna uh be doing a pharmaceutical solution for uh any kind of issues I have. Right. They don't know about that. For what I'm drinking this for, you know? Why don't I just go back to coffee?
SPEAKER_01Right. Right. Coffee's not bad for you. It's not, it's really not. No, it's just bean water.
SPEAKER_02Just need to be drinking that cough, dude.
SPEAKER_01Bean water, which is what they drink in Mexico.
SPEAKER_02Whenever people say wet back, it's wet with bean water.
SPEAKER_01You sweating Goya right now?
SPEAKER_02Oh, yeah. They come queso. I don't know if you know that.
SPEAKER_01Oh, dude. There's another, there's another Tylerism. The Tylerism that you okay. So we jinxed, right? Yeah. One of my absolute favorites. You know it. Yeah. You love it. Oh, you're just joking. It's the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jinx, you owe me a blowjob.
SPEAKER_02Owe me a blowjob, yeah.
SPEAKER_01So great.
SPEAKER_02Owe you a blowjob. That's way gayer.
SPEAKER_01That is what you do. Jinx, I'll blow you. You now have to suck your dick. Get it over here, big boy. The fuck? Jinx. Gluck gluck. Yeah. Uh, what are the other ones? Fuck, now I forgot it again. Shit. You just brought it up. Fuck me. You said something that triggered it in my brain. Sorry. It's all right. No one gives a fuck. Uh I feel like while both shit and cum are icky. Cum is a little less icky.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01There's like I would say there are millions of people that swallow cum every day.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01There are exceedingly fewer people who swallow shit every day.
SPEAKER_02I think I c I think I got it. Shit is the end of a physiological process. Cum is the beginning of a physiological process.
SPEAKER_01This is how you trick a woman into swallowing your loads.
SPEAKER_02That's why it's not gross.
SPEAKER_01It's beautiful.
SPEAKER_02It's really not gross. It's honestly. It's not waste. Like when you when you kiss a lady after she's blown you, right? It's like my attitude has always been she just did an awesome thing. Why am I not gonna kiss her? That's ridiculous. It's my dick. But I do understand the like black people don't, they're not into that at all. I do understand why people think it's gross and why it's like it's really just if her mouth is still wet, it makes you think it's covered with cum. Right. Like her lips are covered with cum. And there is like a little like biological thing. Honestly, I think why is because you you would like biologically, you want that inside her. You know? So if you touch it anywhere else, it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's not right, you know? Or it's just gross because you think you know what I mean. It's slimy, it really is. It's like, yeah. We're it's a bodily fluid. Generally, those are kind of narsty. Not the best, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, well, I mean, it's just a thing where like shit is waste, it's all the bad stuff from inside you expelling. Just like if you ask your girl, like, would you rather swallow my cum or drink my piss? Like, they're gonna swallow cum every time. Right. Because it's not waste, it's like the seed of life. Honestly, it brings you closer to God. And I'm telling you guys, I can I could write an ebook for you how to trick women.
SPEAKER_02If you're trying to trap a dude, he you're more likely you're more likely to get pregnant by him if you've swallowed his cum previous to that.
SPEAKER_01Is that right?
SPEAKER_02I swear I'm not making that up. That could be like an old wives tale that's uh is wrong, but I know I've read that before.
SPEAKER_01Well, I'll tell you this. You won't get fucking worms from swallowing cum. You will from eating shit.
SPEAKER_02True.
SPEAKER_01Ebola and such. Yeah. E. coli.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You know? Probably tuberculosis or something else too. Ske toli. That's so stupid.
SPEAKER_02Uh doesn't even make sense. Whatever.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I'll do the cum thing because it's you know, it's also mixed with something. It's not like I'm just like microwaving a shot glass full of cum and drinking it in the that would be way harder and way ickier. But yeah, mixing it with peach mango flavored great value energy drink mix. Sure, yeah. I think it would go down fairly easy. Yeah. It's just a little heavier, a little more vicious. Shake it up. You have to shake it up.
SPEAKER_02Just get all the sea people all mixed around in there.
SPEAKER_01You just wait for it to sink to the bottom and then you just don't drink the last.
SPEAKER_02No. You have the the entire contents of the bottle must be drank.
SPEAKER_01You imagine someone walks into my office at work and I've got a pair of scissors and I'm trimming down the side of a bottle so I can lap up the fucking rest of it.
SPEAKER_02No, you could just put more water in there and and get it, you know.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Like the like the end of people do that with pasta sauce or whatever.
SPEAKER_02And dish soap.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, when I'm any soap. Yeah, when I'm running low on body wash and I'm like, uh, I ordered it on Amazon, but I won't be here for two days. Yeah. I'll fucking fill up a little bit of water into that thing and shake it up. There's some oxygen.
SPEAKER_02Put a little agua in there, dude.
SPEAKER_01It's already like 80% water. What's what's 150% more?
SPEAKER_02Who gives a fuck? I'll get clean enough, dude. I'm rinsed off. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Anyway.
SPEAKER_02Anyways, man.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that one was better. Yeah. Than the cancer thing.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's a tough subject.
SPEAKER_02I waited out. I I thought of that one way quicker. And I I fucking weighed it out real quick and I was like, yeah, but this, yeah, but this, yeah, but this. And I was like, fine, good. If I did yab at this, that enough, or that many times, that's enough. Okay. I fast forwarded to the end of my sentence there, and I hate myself for it. Sorry, everyone.
SPEAKER_01Oh, you should probably just end it all.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna find my exact though after this. It's fine, man.
SPEAKER_01Next segment. Ladies and gentlemen, here's Tyler Top 10 list. Let's go. Special treat for you animals. I've actually got two. Oh shit. Two top five lists. Wow. So I do actually have a top ten this time. It's just split in half. Yeah, nice. All right. So, kicking it off this week with my first top five. It is my top five shittiest fucking piece of fucking shit fast food joints.
SPEAKER_02Oh, okay. Cool.
SPEAKER_01All right. Nice. There's a lot of opinion in here. This might get divisive. So everybody just go ahead and pre-raise your hackles and get ready to be fucking furious. Yep. Number five. Starting it off controversial. Fucking dairy queen, dude. Dude. Fuck all the way off. Yeah. First of all, I'll say this, guys. I'm not a big sweets guy, and I the reason it's the lowest on the list is because I get it. Mixing a bunch of sugar with dairy product and fucking cookies and cream and MMs and all that shit. I get why people are into that. Yeah. It is still dog shit. Even the fucking the sweet treats there is still dog shit. It's not real ice cream. The cold treats. It's fucking dog shit. Yeah. But what this list is about is more so about a meal. And a Oreo blizzard isn't a meal, no matter how fucking childish you are.
SPEAKER_02Uh yeah, the hot eats, cold treats. You remember when that was their thing? It still is. I remember being uh very enamored by that rhyme when I was like six years old or something.
SPEAKER_01That's how they get you.
SPEAKER_02Yep, the dilly bar, dude. They drag you in. That fucking dilly bar. I was hooked on them for a while as a as a very young child. I never enjoyed the experience of the Dairy Queen, though. I never did. Like, apart from the food, which I'm sure you're you have a good hold on. I never fuck you enjoyed. I did not mean to be a fat joke. That was a great fat. That's amazing. God, that was an inadvertent fat joke. I did not I'm in like it seems like you got notes over there on the Dairy Queen cuisine.
SPEAKER_01It's all up here, dude. I think I think about it all the time.
SPEAKER_02It's all in your head. So uh just so fucking you're Jay-Z with these fucking fast food. You're Lil Wayne. I literally have to write your bars back.
SPEAKER_01I literally just have the list of nice nice.
SPEAKER_02God damn it.
SPEAKER_01If you were just a little more sarcastic, that would have cut so deep.
SPEAKER_02No, I'm sorry. I would have been like, fuck, man. I wish I had. Uh that reminds me of missing my opportunity. Uh I missed an opportunity to do a your mom joke to you two practices ago. Oh shit. And then last night, uh, your mom joked Tom. Tom was talking about his mom has a tattoo on the back of her neck. And I said, Yeah, I know, I hate it. Nice. Got his ass. Anyway. Uh where am I at? Oh yeah. The fucking like the decor always sucked. Oh yeah. Like at least the decor of like a 90s Taco Bell was actually pretty sick. Like they put a lot of work into that. Oh, yeah. And the McDonald's, the 90s McDonald's, even though it was kind of a bland color, like weird brownish-tannish color, it still was kind of sick. There still was redeeming qualities. Subway with the weird-shaped like uh booths, you know, that was kind of sick. But there was nothing sick about the Dairy Queen experience. It there's like refrigerators everywhere with cakes in them. There's it's just a lot going on and nothing's good. So I just want to say that about it. I I always hated, I never liked it. I'm glad you brought it.
SPEAKER_01Another thing that fucking sucks dick about Dairy Queen is like 90% of people that go to Dairy Queen are going at the same fucking time. Right. And if you're like, oh, it's nine o'clock, me and everyone in the entire town is gonna get in line and wait for a fucking hour. Like cattle. Like for dog shit ice cream that you could across the street is a gas station that has fucking bluebell or what's the Hagen Daz or something in the fridge for five bucks. Just go buy that and go home and eat it. You don't have to wait an hour for a fucking slop in a cup that they have to turn upside down to prove that it's the most processed garbage in the world. That part sucks in and of itself. But the food that they sell, that's like the the hot eats or whatever, yeah, it's just not, it's so not fucking good. It's just like the afterthought dog shit scrape together nonsense. Here's my biggest beef, dude. What the fuck made them think it was a good idea to go we're gonna sell chicken strips now that are the fucking Walmart brand from the freezer bag chicken strips.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And we're gonna put them in a basket with some dog shit ass French fries, a piece of fucking soggy, wet buttered toast, and here's a fucking ramekin of white gravy.
SPEAKER_02The fuck is that? I'm not gonna lie, that's the only thing I get at Dairy Queen.
SPEAKER_01I, dude, I the only time I ever get Dairy Queen, I get the fucking chicken strip basket. And I I am repulsed by the gravy thing.
SPEAKER_02It's always someone else's suggestion, and then I get the chicken basket. Honestly, dude, I dip everything in the gravy. I'm fine with white gravy. I hate it. I just I imagine it's uh my dad's come. I don't know. I was trying to think of the funniest thing to say there. Tyler's eyes are still closed in a reaction to that. Um, yeah, uh that's my favorite meal from there, but that is uh those are strong words because I never pick it as a place to go. I'd rather go to rallies, I'd rather there's so many other shitty ones I'd rather go to than Dairy Queen. I think since they named their restaurant after a type of cow, basically, after after an industry reliant upon cows existing, all the misery of the cows in that industry and in the beef industry, if you zoom out, there's like a slaughterhouse and a dairy farm, cows aren't having a great time there, and then all of that misery just gets trucked straight to the fucking dairy queen. And and the experience really has you relive and and just live in that misery. It sucks. That must be it, that must have something to do with it. It fucking blows.
SPEAKER_01It their standards have slipped. I've seen so many dairy queens get they have like a the letter C in their window. You know, they're shit. It's just fucking gross. Oh, great. Gang green. It's funny you brought up the dairy and the slaughterhouse thing. I always like their all their food sucks, by the way. Like every bit of it tastes like it tastes like it's been frozen.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, their burger's not remotely anywhere near the best fast food burger.
SPEAKER_01And here's what I think they're doing: I think they're milking these fucking cows for all the dairy, and then their tits dry up and they're like, fuck it, we'll kill it and make a burger out of it. Slaughter the dairy cows, the spent ass fucking 50-year-old cow that's like ready to commit suicide. The saggy titty meat. That's what Dairy Queen burgers are. Yeah, dude. Oh man, they're missed chokes on dick burgers.
SPEAKER_02Pretty much.
SPEAKER_01So fuck Dairy Queen. Yeah, they're gay in the show.
SPEAKER_02I'm so glad we just did eight minutes on Dairy Queen.
SPEAKER_01Dude, I could do 10 more. I hate that place though. It's their food is just it sucks. Um number four. Sure. Might be controversial. I don't know. But I'll tell you what. The entirety of Sonic can fuck off. I don't like anything about Sonic at all. I don't like the whole fucking classic drive-up bullshit. I don't want to fucking sit in your parking lot and wait a half an hour at all. I hate it. I hate that you have to press a button and then talk to some dumb bitch and then sit out there and wait, and the mirror on your car is in the way, so you gotta like fold it in and roll your window down, and they're like hanging shit off of your car, and they always forget stuff, and you feel like a dick because now they gotta go back and get it and come back. Fuck that. The food obviously not very good. No, I hate that their menu has 700 fucking items on it. It's a giant fucking menu. It's like a billboard. It's a huge grid. You park next to a billboard and you have to read through all this shit. And you can't fucking like there. If you go there to find a thing, good fucking luck, dude. You just gotta pull up and hope that you saw an advertisement on the screen before like it saw that you were there, and just go, whatever, I'll have the thing that you guys are advertising now. Yeah. Or like you go there for a corndog. Why are you going out for a fucking corndog anyway? Whatever. Yeah. It's just it's I mean, the only thing that I think is kind of neat is that they have tater tots. Okay. But that's like not a reason to go to a place. It's like, oh cool, they have tater tots. I'm stuck here, so I'll have that. Yeah. You know, but nothing they have is that good. The only thing I've had there that I thought was okay was they have like a BLT. And I like a BLT. You can't get that from fast food very often. So that's kind of neat. But that's fucking it, dude. Yeah. It's not a rock your world BLT.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, no, I wouldn't imagine. I'm not a huge BLT guy. I like the B and the L. Yeah. I can do that on a fucking Sammy any day, but not the T. I'm not a big, not a big fan. So I think I have another, I have a philosophy out about this restaurant. Okay. And that is that the if if you take the smoking rate among the American populace and the popularity of drive-in restaurants like Sonic is, they are inverse. Right. Or they are together, I guess. They they both descended at the same time, I think, because I like Sonic mainly because I get to sit in my car, smoke as many sigs as I want on my lunch break, and listen to whatever the fuck I want. Sure. And or watch YouTube videos or whatever. And uh yeah, the food's not great. Well, the chili cheese dog is the only redeeming thing at the restaurant, and that you probably don't agree with that, but I fucking I I'm a whatever is in that is like nicotine to me, dude. They're just they're good.
SPEAKER_01I I don't know why I'm I'm like pretty adamantly opposed to fast food chili. I feel like like I know that at Wendy's the way they make their chili is the burgers that didn't get sold. They chop them up and make chili.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Which is fine as far as like a sustainability thing, but I don't want to I don't want to buy that.
SPEAKER_02But you're the way they did it at the Wendy's I worked at, you're boiling that shit all day. Like there's no way. I'm not worried about there's nothing wrong with it. It's just not good beef. It's not gonna taste good. It's day old beef.
SPEAKER_01With with Wendy's specifically, I'm not worried about sanitation.
unknownRight.
SPEAKER_01Sonic, I'm not convinced. You don't even get to see the inside. You don't know what the fuck they're doing in there. You don't know how dirty that shit is. But I just I'm not I'm not a fast food chili. I like good chili, like a nice homemade chili. I'll fucking slop that shit up real quick, dude.
SPEAKER_02Dude.
SPEAKER_01But I just don't fuck with I don't fuck with fast food chili.
SPEAKER_02That chili cheese dog is something else though. Rallies used to have a no, not really. I don't I don't notice it. Uh the no more than usual. No, yeah, exactly. Uh, but the the chili cheeseburger that rallies used to have, they may still have dude. That shit.
SPEAKER_01You gotta get off this rallies thing because I'm gonna I'm gonna break your heart.
SPEAKER_02That shortly rocks your cock, bro. That shit's so good.
SPEAKER_01You gotta get off their tip, dude.
SPEAKER_02Nah. Oh fuck. The way Rally seasons their burgers is superior to Dairy Queen. I'll I'll die on that hill. Rally's burgers are better than Dairy Queen burgers.
SPEAKER_01I mean, you're like, it's like saying, yeah. Walking down the street is way better than getting kicked in the balls. No. That is what you're saying. Dairy Queen burgers are the bottom of the fast food barrel.
SPEAKER_02They suck absolute ass. It's it's the most basic bitch, bullshit ass fucking school lunch burger. Yeah, it's the worst thing ever. Raleigh's burgers are actually decent, I think. I've always thought they were pretty decent.
SPEAKER_01A fucking Dairy Queen hamburger is half a step up from the big ass burger that you get at the gas station that's in the in the plastic bag.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. But Sonic, not not great. I would put Sonic burgers below rallies. Personally. And and I would I would put them above Dairy Queen, though. They try some like sourdough shit. Yeah. They try to, you know, mix it up. Yeah. They have smash burgers now.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Sure, those are fine.
SPEAKER_01It's just okay. That's the thing. The food is just okay, but it's onion rings.
SPEAKER_02Their onion rings are fucking dope. Sure. Chili cheese dog onion rings. I'm fine with Sonic. Almost everything else on the menu can eat my ass. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I've tried a few different things, and I mean the BLT to me is the best thing that Sonic has, and it's like barely okay. It is barely okay.
SPEAKER_02Alright. Well, you know, I uh I'm not gonna get you on the Sonic train, evidently, but I think I'm not really on it either.
SPEAKER_01I think I think we'll meet in the middle on this next one. Okay. I think that we'll rejoice in the fact that this is a fact. Alright. Number three in the shittiest fucking bullshit ass fucking piece of shit fast food places? Sure. Whitecastle. Ooh, yeah. Dude. Yeah, it sucks. You guys like hamburgers? Cool. Do you like them way fucking smaller than they need to be? Awesome. Do you like them to taste like sweat? We got you.
SPEAKER_02Do you like the pickle to be the overwhelming flavor of the slider?
SPEAKER_01Dude. Their patties are a millimeter thick. Yeah. You can you can hold the patty up and see your friend through it. Yeah. You can see their facial features. You can tell what kind of face they're making at you.
SPEAKER_02You could put a patty, you could put a white castle patty on the front of a flashlight and it would still work.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah. You could you could place it over it and like make red light, like it's a fucking theater.
SPEAKER_02And uh put it on your face and help your skin or whatever.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Uh it's fucking sweaty, disgusting. Like that's all I think about when I think about White Castle is how it tastes like somebody just like took their gym shorts off after like an hour-long session and wrung it out on top of a bun. Yeah. It's fucking gross, dude. Yeah. Now, like, don't get me wrong. Pretty gross. You get really fucking blazed. Oh, yeah. It's that's what it's for.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. That's what it's for. It's for the stoned teenagers who are working there serve the stoned teenagers who are patrons all these fucking stupid diarrhea sliders.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02That's what it is.
SPEAKER_01It's not good. There's no redeeming qualities at all, other than like, you know, Harold and Kumar go to White Castle is a pretty funny movie.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. It's funny because of the degeneration of the restaurant. That is what makes it funny. Yeah. That's part of it, is because it's such a shitty fucking place to eat at. Only these two brain dead fucking stoners would be eating there.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah. Uh their food is just horrific. Like genuinely horrific.
SPEAKER_02I should have said brain dead ethnic stoners. That would have that would have made it pop a little better.
SPEAKER_01Maybe. Yeah. But I mean, the facts are the facts, and you were right. 100%. So yeah, White Castle can fuck right off.
SPEAKER_02It also is trying to be a diner, and I hate that. It's trying to be a 50s diner on the inside. I hate that. I hate that Freddy's does that. I hate everywhere that does that, it sucks. Mick Diner, that sucked. Every time they try to make a homely hometown fucking diner out of a giant billion dollar company, suck my dick.
SPEAKER_01The only one that I'm okay with, and it's because they've held the aesthetic for a very long time. Okay. And it still kind of works. Okay. And their food isn't bad. Sure. Is steak and shake.
SPEAKER_02I I knew where you were going, and it is fine.
SPEAKER_01It is fine. It's not like I'm not celebrating what they're doing.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But I it's like you guys have been the exact same way for 80 fucking years.
SPEAKER_02It's also, it is that. Yeah. That's what it is. It's not something else mimicking that. It's just that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01They're the only chain that I feel like is allowed to do that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Sure.
SPEAKER_01And I'm cool with it.
SPEAKER_02Like the if any other chain started putting fucking rocking chairs out front, I'd be like, fuck you. That's Cracker Barrel's thing. Yeah. You can't just start doing that. True.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um Mick Country.
SPEAKER_01Number two. This is gonna get this might get heated.
SPEAKER_02Sure.
SPEAKER_01It's fucking rallies, dude. It's the dirtiest place on earth.
SPEAKER_02I'm not arguing. I I can't argue against that.
SPEAKER_01It's so grimy. It is. They the the whole entire like aesthetic of rallies is like gunshot victim. Who like needs a calorie or two to not bleed out on the fucking sidewalk. You can walk up and they'll fucking stick one of their mongoloid fucking piece of shit. French fries in your mouth. No, dude, the french fries are sick, dude. Everyone sucks off rally french fries. Listen, dude. Dude, it's stoner brain.
SPEAKER_02I admit readily that it's stoner brain, but it's, dude, their food is so sick.
SPEAKER_01You can go to the fucking store and buy french fries that are like that, and rallies didn't have anything to do with it. It's not like they invented that type of fry. I remember when I was in school on uh uh grilled chicken sandwich or not grilled chicken patty sandwich day, you know, like the classic chicken patty. Yeah. We had those fries, and they were from GFS. They were just like a Gordon food service seasoned fry thing.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but it's not the same, dude.
SPEAKER_01It is, it's not the same, it's perfectly the same. It's better fries or something. It's better because it doesn't come with hepatitis. A place, dude.
SPEAKER_02Okay, I I I will admit the oil stains in the drive-thru are suspiciously close to where food is being cooked. I like I uh it is there is just a gross thing about it. But like once that shit's in your mouth, it's fucking fantastic, dude. And you don't have to worry about you drive up and do the thing, you don't have to worry about the inside being stupid because you never see it. Sure. Like such a big part of my problem with these places is the aesthetic on the inside. Rallies has just been the same shit forever on the outside. Who gives a fuck? It's all gross. Nah, dude. The last time that popcorn chicken box with the chicken and the fries, that's fucking glorious, dude.
SPEAKER_01And their honey mustard is pretty good. So here's the thing about their honey mustard, Jake. I'll tell you a story. The last time I went to Rallies, I ordered fucking whatever, and I pulled up and I paid, and the guy gave me my receipt and shit and my drink, and then he handed me a bag, and I think I had uh I had either chicken that you dip or like mozzarella sticks or something that came with a dipping thing, right? Yeah. And he's like, Oh wait, I forgot your sauce. And I was about to say, don't worry about it, but he just immediately reached over, and you know those like plastic, white like white, it's white plastic on the outside, and the the drawers are clear. The chicks like put their makeup in and stuff. Yeah. He reaches over to one of those and it is caked in on every square inch of the surface in fucking filth and grime and dirt. And he barehanded pulls this drawer open with fucking cockroach shit dripping off his fingers and grabs a marinara and drops it in my bag. And I was like, thanks. And I drove off and I went home and I threw the entire bag in the trash. It fucking grossed me out that bad. I was like, I'm not eating it.
SPEAKER_02Well, I mean, if you're I mean, yeah, I can't argue that it's not gross. You know, if you're if you're Howie Mandel about shit, obviously you're not. I'm fucking not. I could just start this, start a whole thing about you being a germophone. I'm fucking not. No, no, but uh no, I'm just uh That place is fucking disgusting. I understand that it's gr I can't argue against that. I'm not trying to, but what I'm trying to say is the food is so fire, I forget about all that as soon as I get the first taste of those fries in my gullet. Like as soon as as soon as the shit touches my lips, it's the thing is I love that shit.
SPEAKER_01The food isn't that good, it's just fine.
SPEAKER_02Like it's I it's stoner brain, but it I have like this affinity for it for some reason.
SPEAKER_01The food is is okay. I'm not gonna sit here and be like their food is disgusting. Like the food is okay. And like, yeah, the last time I had every time I've ever had it, I get fucking absolute diarrhea. It's like the little Caesars of fast food. It's like you can go to fucking Papa John's and Pizza Hut. That's your your Burger Kings and your McDonald's's and all that. Sure. And you get a fine product and it doesn't kill you. But then you go to little Caesars, and for a day and a half, you're shitting your guts out, and you're like, but it was five bucks.
SPEAKER_02You know, that's ready for six hours before I came and picked it up.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, dude. That's that's the rallies thing. They're using ingredients that they shouldn't be. Probably. And it's fucking you up, and that's why it's five bucks for like three hamburgers. Yeah, well, you know, they've always got some kind of crazy good deal going on. It's like, well, there's a reason for that.
SPEAKER_02I usually just get the lately, like the last probably five years, anytime I stop by the rallies, anywhere, where if I'm traveling, if it's in town, whatever, I get the fucking popcorn chicken bites box or chicken bites and fries box, whatever it is. And it's like four bucks, and it's a pretty fucking heaping amount of fries and little popcorn chickens. And I'm like, surely these popcorn chicken pieces were in the fucking freezer, already breaded and everything, in the freezer, and they dropped them into a fryer. Very difficult to fuck up. Low IQ people can make this happen without poisoning their entire fucking customer base. Yeah. So that's what I get because admittedly, it is gross, but I have an affinity for the place just because it's like the place that kind of stuck in my brain as fucking sick, dude. I think everyone has that about various things where, like, yes, the reality of the situation is that it's a gross place to eat. I don't eat there often, but when I do, I have a good time. And two Tuesdays ago, after practice, I had rallies on my way home, and it was fucking fantastic. And I did not have a digestive fallout.
SPEAKER_01I'm happy for you. I don't I don't want to go there. If I'm forced into a situation where it would be, you know, socially faux pas to be like, ew, no, you know, I'll fucking eat it and it's fine, and my stomach will hurt, and I'll I'll just try to flush the image of that guy with his greasy hands touching. Here's the thing. I know that that marinara has a plastic thing and it's all sealed and hermetic and all that. The thing is, he touched it and then dropped it in my bag and it touched the food I was gonna eat. If I scratch my nuts and hand you a French fry, are you gonna gobble that thing down?
SPEAKER_02Maybe. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's where that's where my head was. Yeah. Is that he's touching a nut sack. Yeah. And then he's putting it on my food. That sucks. I don't want that. So fuck rallies. Yeah. Number one, okay. I feel like there's not a soul on this green earth that has any brain cells in their mind or any activity on going on in their brain that would disagree with this. And I would I would graciously put you in that group of people with brain activity. Okay. Barely, but yeah. The number one, the most fucking shittiest fucking piece of shit, disgusting fast food place of all time. Ever is long John Silvers. Yeah. Fuck all the way off every moment of your existence. The the this phrase should not exist ever. You ready? Fish, fast, food. Yeah. Ew. Why? Gross. Get out of here. And I know, I know there's like a couple of people out there that are like fuck you. Stop bubba stop stuttering, because I know you're gonna say hush puppies. Shove them up your ass. It's fried bread, you cunt! What the fuck are you talking about? Shove them up your ass. Dude, stick that little fucking thing up your poop chute. Yeah. It's just deep fried bread, you fucking mongoloid. Who cares about hush puppies? Yeah. I fucking don't.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Also, I hate battered anything. I and you know, it's like, oh, well. Except women. They don't. I mean, I hated them when I battered them. Nice, nice. Um you could say, oh, well, they don't have just fish. You could get chicken. Guess what, idiot? It's battered in the same disgusting fucking slurry that the goddamn fish is. And ew. Battered anything is fucking gross. Yeah. I don't like it. Breaded. You know? Yeah. We got it right the first time. Why'd you have to make a soup of fucking ick? Yeah. What the hell is that shit, dude? Yeah. It's not the right color. It's all fucking just glorpy and drippy. Why? You can just put breadcrumbs on it and fry it, and it's delicious. And it's not all fucking foamy on the inside. Like it's like still wet. Why? Ew.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah, Long John Silvers does suck. I I defend it to my chick as a goof. I just to get her going on it. But it it is supremely gross. It's just not only is it the idea of the fish, but like you're saying, the battered makes it all like weirdly crispy in a bad way on the outside. It's all like breading is supposed to be a whole bunch of little tiny specks that make up a breading. Yeah. Not one big piece of breading.
SPEAKER_01A plank of fucking and there's like little wispy fucking hairs coming off the side that are all like super crunchy. Yeah. And then you bite into it, and the inside is soggy and wet.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01That is two different worlds.
SPEAKER_02I do not like the aesthetic either on the inside. It's like if if there was a diner on a pirate ship. Yeah. Which leave that to like a theme park or something. Why why is that dotted across America? Why do we need that?
SPEAKER_01That's if it were a real seafood place, sure, fine. You want to do your gay little fucking pirate thing. But it's like then they have actual like bass from a place.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Not this chopped up shit that got frozen and shipped from fucking Taiwan or something.
SPEAKER_02Who knows?
SPEAKER_01Wherever the fuck.
SPEAKER_02Who knows where that fish is from? It's probably the most depressing fish farming that could possibly be happening. It's like a shallow pool. I'm imagining the uh the fucking reflecting pool just full of the grossest fish just swimming around in their own shit.
SPEAKER_01Dude, it's it's it's blended carp. It's like they put a carp in a blender. With all the guts and eyeballs and shit stuff in there.
SPEAKER_02That's so grody. You always get weird gristle in Long John Silvers. It's bizarre.
SPEAKER_01But the hush puppies, kill yourself, dude.
SPEAKER_02I mean, that is the highlight because that's the only thing that's not actively gross as fuck. Yeah. It's not a reason to go to a place. And people like eating the little chips. Ew. People will order. You can order it. Maybe it used to be a thing where you could order literally just hush puppies with chips. And it just came with the little fried up little chips.
SPEAKER_01Stuff they scooped off the bottom of the fried.
SPEAKER_02Yes, that are all over your plate every time you get fucking Long John Silvers that are in your basket or whatever. And it's, I mean, like I mean, this other place has to tie, right? Captain D's has to tie with Long John Silvers, right?
SPEAKER_01It's the it's just a bite.
SPEAKER_02It's the exact same thing. It's the same thing. It's the exact same thing. And it's the same, but it instead of it being more pirate-ish because of the obvious pirate theme, it's just nautical in there more than it is piratey. And it's still bad though. It still sucks. I don't like when a place is trying to be another place, but it's just a corporate shithole. I hate that.
SPEAKER_01The worst version of the place they're trying to emulate.
SPEAKER_02Like if a local place did a theme, whatever, dude, that's fine. That's your prerogative as a mom and pop business owner. But when it's a fucking giant corporation, I it just it's so hateable.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. There's um when I was a kid up in Michigan, there was this place called Hot and Now that was a ripoff of In N Out. They used like the same branding almost. Like it was very like it was a huge bite. And I remember I I didn't care. I was too young to know anything. But I remember I went there with my aunt one time. My aunt, I don't know why I said aunt. I never ever ever say that.
SPEAKER_02My aunt Well, you said you were a black guy at the beginning.
SPEAKER_01That's true. Yeah, me and my auntie. We rolled up uh faux deep in the crib in the in the G-Wagon. In the cut. Uh we roll we went there. I'll set it again. We went there and uh we ordered food and she got her her like a burger meal or whatever. And the fucking I remember her like she made everything way b blew it way out of proportion. But the the essence of what she was saying is true. She was freaking out about it, but you're saying so many black things. Sorry.
SPEAKER_02Your auntie blew it out of proportion. My bet Essence.
SPEAKER_01My bet. Anyway, you know? Essence the magazine. Her weave was all out of whack or something.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I I almost asked if she got the the chips stuck in her weave. The little crispies stuck in her weave.
SPEAKER_01Well, this is this is in and out, not longjongs. Oh yeah, fuck. I got pirate brain, dude. We go to hot now, she gets the fucking food, and uh the patty of her burger was cold, like cold from the refrigerator, cold, and the cheese on top of it was frozen solid. Like literally frozen solid. That's great, dude. It was like, how do you serve this to people? Cheese should be in the fridge. That should never be in the freezer. This is what makes no sense. It's called hot and now, and she was she was screaming about it, and then it made me laugh because she was like, That took fucking forever. It's cold and too long. Not hot now. It's cold and late. Yeah. It was very funny. But um the last time I had Long John Silvers, it was like during COVID. Uh like right at the beginning of it, and they had popcorn shrimp, and I thought I'd give that a try. And it didn't occur to me that I'm buying shrimp from a fast food place. That's not it. Don't do that. Don't do that. You know, there's no way that's gonna be good. And it wasn't because when they make popcorn shrimp at places like this, it's fucking ground up. Yeah. It's not like a piece a breaded and fried piece of shrimp. Fried shrimp, fine, you know, get that from a restaurant, it's fine. It's not the best thing. Right. I'd rather have it in like butter or whatever, you know, like shrimp scamby or something. But it's all fucking ground. Why did they ground up the shrimp? What are you hiding? That you have to grind shrimp in a fucking meat grinder. The eyeballs. It threw me off, and I didn't like it. And uh I hate that place. So that's it. That's uh that's my top five shittiest piece of shit. Fucking. Sick dog, sick. It's my second one. Redeemed. Fucking Raddis, fucking dope ass fucking fast food all the time. Obviously. Obviously. Nice, nice, nice. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Number five. Rally now, suck mode. What if I was like checkers? Way better than rallies, dude. And you know what? Hardy's sucks. Carl's Jr., fire. No, um, number five, it's so I tried to get a little diverse here. Okay. Yeah, I didn't want to do burger joint, burger joint, you know, like too many burger joints or whatever. So, like, while number five isn't like my fifth favorite fast food place of all time, yeah. I do think in this category, they do do it the best. Okay. Number five is Popeyes. Sure. KFC is just it's gone so downhill. Yeah. It's super mid, it's just not right a lot of the time. Yeah. Uh if I'm feeling the bowl, I'll be on the bottom. The bowl, the bowl's fine. The only thing I don't like about the bowl is that I know for a fact that it's that fucking like Idahoan flake potato mashed potatoes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but I mean, I don't know.
SPEAKER_01It's fine if you're hungry and it's like they're open, they're right there, whatever. Yeah, yeah. I'm not gonna hate on it.
SPEAKER_02It's always a convenient meal. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I'm not gonna hate on people. For getting the famous bowl. It's fine. I just, I don't personally like the flake potato bullshit. But Popeyes, their chicken, every time I've ever had it, has just been fire. Yeah. It's been fire. It's good. I don't get fried chicken a lot. Yeah. But Popeyes is always fire.
SPEAKER_02The chicken Sammy from there is great.
SPEAKER_01It's the best chicken sandwich there is. Yeah. Of the chicken sandwich wars, Popeye's won by a fucking mile.
SPEAKER_02Dude, and the sauces, they have so many sauces.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And their fries are rallies. Rallies level. They are. They are the better version of that because their restaurant isn't disgusting.
SPEAKER_02I don't know that'd go that far, but they're pretty good. They are pretty good. They're right up there. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And their advertising is fucking good. Yeah. That that mammy ass black lady who's like, What's up, child? You want some motherfucking chicken, baby girl? Get over here. I feed you, boy. That's the that whole aesthetic, the Louisiana thing. I like it. Louisiana fair. It fucking works, dude. It's a nice tight jingle. Yeah. You know, they're they're not gross for the most part.
SPEAKER_02I love that they kept it Louisiana Fast, but when they realize, like, oh yeah, we shouldn't localize it so much. It's the same exact melody, but love that chicken for Popeyes. That's even better. Yeah. I like that one even better. Yeah. Um, I hope I'm not Mandela affecting the Louisiana fast. No, I think that's true. That's true.
SPEAKER_01That's always it's always been a thing. They they they're interchangeable. Yeah. And it is really fast. It's it's ready as fuck. They keep that chicken hot and ready, dude. Like a little Caesars. Black and ranch. Oh, dude. Yeah. They're black and even the black and chicken sandwich is fire.
SPEAKER_02You could tell me that that is cat cum, and I would still fucking get it every time. I'm gonna start milking the cat we have that's not fixed.
SPEAKER_01Number four. Again, keeping with the the diversification theme here. All right. Jimmy Johns. Sick. They are the best to do this sandwich thing. Yeah. The sub-sandwich game. Like Subway almost made my top five shittiest. The thing is, like, in a pinch, sure. It's just they are the worst version of the sub sandwich.
SPEAKER_02If you like like plastic bread almost like uh would be in a children's kitchen set, then sure.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And you know, two and a half ounces of meat on a 35-inch long sandwich. Sure. Go ahead. And a gallon of mayonnaise. Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's just it's the worst version. And the people there are all Indian and fucking you, you know.
unknownGod damn.
SPEAKER_02No, ever since Jimmy Johns threw the fucking toaster oven in there. Oh, dude. Next level. They made themselves the best. With that move alone, even though they kind of already were. Yeah. But that like cemented it. That was the nail in the coffin of you're gonna get over the fact that our owner goes and slaughters fucking giraffes and shit. You're gonna get over that real quick with this fucking toaster.
SPEAKER_01I'm not here for politics.
SPEAKER_02I'm here for a turkey tom. I mean, he's already a fucking hundred millionaire. I'm not changing the world by not getting Jimmy Johns, you know.
SPEAKER_01I mean, if he had been if it came out that he had like funded, you know, pro-choice lobbied for like anti-gay stuff. Yeah, that's why I don't go to Chick-fil-A, guys. I'm gonna be honest with you. My number one reason for hating them is how popular they are, but number two is the whole religious thing. It icks the fuck out of me.
SPEAKER_02I mean, I'm just not I mean, waffle fries is like a once-a-year, I really want those.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you know, the only thing that Chick-fil-A has going for them is grilled nuggets. I think that's really cool that they do that. Those are cool, yeah. But I don't care.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's just not worth it. I mean, I'll buy the Polynesian sauce at the fucking store. Sure. And I'm sorry if somehow that funnels to anti-gay shit.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, like three women were forced to have babies because you bought that bottle, but it's fine.
SPEAKER_02But like, you know, I'm sorry if that's the case, but I do not frequent the restaurant. I've been maybe, maybe five times, maybe seven times my entire life. Me too. Me too. Very few times. Yeah. I'm not helping the anti-gay machine.
SPEAKER_01I'm not gonna argue with a girl that I'm fucking to not go there. Right. But I will divert as much as possible. But what if we went over here instead of supporting this fucking disgusting?
SPEAKER_02Supposedly they do not donate to that shit anymore and they're not embedded in that shit anymore.
SPEAKER_01They say Well, while they're still closed on Sunday and force their people to say weird cult shit.
SPEAKER_02That's bad too. The fucking it's like why?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Our religion is capitalism now, you fuck. Like be open.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Jimmy Johns is fire though. Comparing them to Subway, right? So the Subway, they got the foot long, and there is half of the amount of meat that would be on the nine-inch sandwich from Jimmy Johns. Right. You can get more value out of nine inches at Jimmy Johns than you do out of 12 inches at Subway. That's fucky, dude. Yeah. And it's this, it's the same price. It's like 10 bucks. Yeah. For a nine-inch sandwich that has as much meat as you could possibly want on a sandwich without overdoing it. Yeah. You know, they don't go overboard on toppings or condiments.
SPEAKER_02They don't unload a fucking garbage bag full of chopped lettuce onto your shit either.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. Dude, they just they've got the sandwich game on lock. And I'm not even, I hear the screaming from fucking in your cars. Losers about Jersey mics. I don't even want to fucking talk about it, okay? First of all, no, it's not a sub. They put so much fucking lettuce on that thing that when they fold it over, the bread rips, and now it is a regular old white people's kitchen sandwich, and I don't fucking want it.
SPEAKER_02Okay. My only pushback on Jersey Mics. And the only reason I will ever go there, which is seldom. So I'm not arguing in favor of Jersey Mike's really, but that fucking cheesesteak is pretty sick.
SPEAKER_01Does their food taste good? Yes. I am not debating that. Their food is great. It tastes great. It's not a fucking sub, and I'm not going to support that. They do have fries as well. So does Penn Station. I think Penn Station's better than Jersey Mike's.
SPEAKER_02I haven't had Penn Station in a long time.
SPEAKER_01Go get the fuck, whatever the you say cheesesteak? Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go get the cheesesteak from fucking Penn Station. I bet it's good. I'm telling you, it's fucking fire, and they cut the potatoes right in front of your stupid fucking face. What about and then they fucking fry them? It's so good.
SPEAKER_02Since we're on subs, bro, firehouse.
SPEAKER_01Firehouse is just okay.
SPEAKER_02I've had a couple of really good ones from Firehouse.
SPEAKER_01I think they're just okay. But my thing is, I'm so deeply entrenched in the world of Jimmy Johns that I would fight somebody if they were like, Jimmy Johns sucks and Subway's the best. Like if they went that far, like we'll fight. I'll beat you up.
SPEAKER_02It's so funny. If we were vegans, we would be the opposite probably. We would eat chickful area. Well, no, we wouldn't. We would hate them all. Yeah. God damn it, I didn't think through that.
SPEAKER_01There's no fast food places for the city.
SPEAKER_02If we were sympathetic to the vegan cause more, we would probably get we would probably be opposite. Because we hate anti-gay shit way more than we hate dudes who go hunting in fucking Africa. Like it actually, it's like uh I eat fucking beef, so I can't really be that fucking hung up on this motherfucker. He don't he gives them like a hundred thousand every time he does it. Like, I don't know, man.
SPEAKER_01And there's arguments for like that whole trophy hunting thing.
SPEAKER_02Like it actually pays for the reserve to be there. Like, okay, that's enough plausible deniability that I'll eat Jimmy John's uh you could just donate the money to the preserve and not kill the animal, yeah, and take the gay picture, but whatever. The guy's a weirdo. Why wouldn't you want the animal? It would be way more respectable if they just had them harangue the animal over and just take a picture with them for the money.
SPEAKER_01Lasso it.
SPEAKER_02Why do you have to kill it?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, lasso the thing like a cowboy.
SPEAKER_02Just get a p- wouldn't that be funny if all of those hunters are like, I just wanted a picture with the thing. I just had to kill it first to get the picture.
SPEAKER_01Well, it's you know what? Fucking trophy fishing is way more ethical. Like, yeah, you're shoving a metal hook through its face and ripping it from its home, taking a picture, and then sending it back with a little bit of trauma. Like every hot chick in the world.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You just they live. That's the thing. They get to live and cry about it. Making it late for something, yeah. As Mitch Hedberg so eloquently put it. Very nice.
SPEAKER_02I'm quoting a lot of comics tonight. I don't know why.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that's fine. Um, yeah. Just I mean, their food is great, and uh all the all the times I've been to Jimmy Johns, all the people that work there are cool. Yeah. So like I dig it. I like I like Penn Station too. I would say that's probably my number two. They're pretty fucking solid. Oh. As far as subs. Subs, yeah. Okay. Um and then maybe Firehouse is okay. I just fucking like I disagree with what Jimmy or what uh Jersey Mikes is doing so much. It's so it's a weird hill to die on, but it's fine. It's not like I'm hurting anybody by saying I hate that they don't actually fucking make subs. They make sandwiches for girls.
SPEAKER_02Well, De Vito's in their ads, so that's pretty sick. That's something they got for me. The Jimmy Johns got the veto? No, uh Jersey Mikes. They've had Danny DeVito in the city.
SPEAKER_01Oh, Danny DeVito, I thought you were talking about because Jimmy Johns has a sandwich called The Vito.
SPEAKER_02Oh, no, no, yeah. Danny DeVito. I was just trying to be cool calling him by his last name, but doesn't work, I guess.
SPEAKER_01Jimmy Johns has the unwitch too, which if like you're trying to go low carb, yeah, such a good option, dude. They just wrap it in lettuce and it's uh it's delicious.
SPEAKER_02I don't know if Jersey Mike's has anything low carb. That's pretty much a carb-based situation there.
SPEAKER_01Well, they only have shredded lettuce too, so good luck wrapping your fucking sandwich in that, idiot.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. You'd have to get some kind of edible glue to glue the lettuce to it, like Beavis and Butthead did with their fucking pubic head. They probably need that anyway.
SPEAKER_01It's not like their bread's holding anything together. Um it's a fucking mess, dude.
SPEAKER_02Oh, Beavis and Butthead shave their heads, my bad. It's Aaron McGay that had the pubes on his face. Yeah. We were talking about that earlier. Jackass 2. I got pubes on my face on the brain.
SPEAKER_01Pub face. Number three. Yeah. So, I mean, I I won't keep harping on the diversity thing, but not one of these restaurants has a thing in common.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_01Uh sick. I've hit the chicken joint, I've hit the subjoint. Sure. Now this one's kind of stands on its own. All right. Number three is Panda Express. Oh, nice. Dude. It's I like some panda. It's fire. Yeah. It's fucking fire. It is good. Uh, it's delicious, it's quick. There's not much else to say about it. It's Chinese food, and you get it as fast as you can get a burger from McDonald's. It's awesome. Yeah. I mean, it's it's just good.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Every time it's been a good experience.
SPEAKER_01They seem like they pay their people well too, from what I've seen, which is cool.
SPEAKER_02And I I always donate to the charity every time I'm there. I don't do it at every place, but uh there I'm like, yes, round it up.
SPEAKER_01Round that shit up.
SPEAKER_02And then they ring the bell and shit.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I like when they ring the bell. I hate restaurants that want you to ring the bell on your way out. Long John Silver's another reason why they suck dick. Uh, I fucking I will say this. I love Arby's. I think Arby's is great. Get the bell out of there. Yeah. Get that fucking bell out of there.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. It's not rootin' tootin' anymore, man. We don't need the bell. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Get it out. Um, I'm I'm a little torn on the fact that I I'll just spoil it. I did not include Arby's on this list.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And it's an honorable mention for sure. Honestly, the number one reason why I can't I can't be all in on Arby's. This is gonna sound silly, guys, but their fries are called curly fries, but 90% of them are little fucking witch fingers. They're witch fingernails.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but you get a curly or two in every you get one or two springy McDoingers. Yeah, you get a couple of curly. And you know what?
SPEAKER_01They're undercooked because of the witch fingers. They're they're because 90% of it is fingernails, I know what you're saying. We can't go too far. We can't cook the fucking sproing doingers all the way through.
SPEAKER_02A savvy fry cook at Arby's will make the little witch fingers real crispy in order to make the fucking sproingies decently crispy. Here's the thing though. When you get a good batch of Arby's fries, that's better than Raleigh's fries.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but you get two springers and that's your whole fries now. Because the rest are fucking burnt black.
SPEAKER_02They're not no, no. There's a few, there's a few fucking, you know, Auschwitz victims in there, but there's not. A lot of them are still ripe, dude. A lot of them are still good. Dude, those witch fingers.
SPEAKER_01Especially with that sauce. I fucking hate those witch fingers.
SPEAKER_02Especially with that fucking sauce, dude.
SPEAKER_01They got the good sauces there. I love the sauces. I love everything else about Arby's. Everything else.
SPEAKER_02Dude, I don't even give a fuck that the roast beef tastes like it's covered in dick sweat. It's that's appealing to me.
SPEAKER_01It's very well seasoned shoe leather, and that's fine. All their fucking sandwiches are fire, dude. And when they have the specialty sandwiches, oh my god. The fucking the brisket sandwiches. Oh my god. The fucking one of my favorites is they have a gyro there and it slaps. Yeah. The Qiro. And then they have a steak and cheese one that's like the same, like the the bun is like, you know, stretch. Oh fuck, dude. They're all their meats is delicious. Yeah, dude. I mean, those fries are a problem. You gotta get the Twitch fingers.
SPEAKER_02Beef and cheddar.
SPEAKER_01Amazing.
SPEAKER_02And they put the sauce on it for you. Oh. Just dude, what is it about every rallies that does the beef and cheddar right? Like they make you a decent Sammy. Arby's. Arby's, goddamn it. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, take it back. Arby's. What is it about every Arby's that gives you the fucking perfect beef and cheddar? A good nine out of ten times. You don't get, I don't get a shitty one. No. Like as far as like uh the the beef is one-sided and the sauce is in the wrong place where it's it's spilling out everywhere. Yeah, I get a decent one nine out of ten times, man. They do a good job. You keep it in the wrapper because I'm always eating Arby's on the road. Right. Like I don't know. I just I'm not going into Arby's unless I'm randomly like with family or something. Like uh that's just not a thing.
SPEAKER_01So usually I'm on my way back from somewhere, yeah, and it's like I need to grab lunch before I go, and I don't want to eat it in my car. Like I've been driving for a while. I just want to go out and take a piss, you know. And I want I want to fuck around with some of the sauces because they've got like the three pepper sauce and shit. Yeah, I don't fuck with the horseradish personally, but it's just like they've got so many different sauces.
SPEAKER_02Dude, sometime we should try, we should pick the the the restaurant that would be best for this, and we should make a suicide sauce of all the sauces at that restaurant.
SPEAKER_01I mean, Arby's is the the logical choice because I think so too. Like I know for a fact there's like five of them.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and you squeeze them out of the thing, right? Yeah, you hit the pump.
SPEAKER_01The bump up bump up bump.
SPEAKER_02So fuck yeah, dog. That's the one. Suicide sauce. A bunch of other ones, we would have to be mixing them ourselves.
SPEAKER_01You can dip our 85 witch fingers in them. Yeah. God, I hate those things.
SPEAKER_02We can just dip the spraying in there, dude.
SPEAKER_01They're hard to dip because they're crooked. Nah, that's cool. You get a good You get a French fry from another place, it's straight, you dip it, you eat it.
SPEAKER_02You just rip off the weirdness at the bottom and you sink the fucking, you know, the whole circle down in there, you know?
SPEAKER_01I fucking hate those witch fingers.
SPEAKER_02You drop the spring down in there. The sprains are great.
SPEAKER_01I'll eat a spray for days. It's just there's only two of them in the whole box.
SPEAKER_02Man, we need to go to Arby's sometime.
SPEAKER_01It's so good, dude.
SPEAKER_02Dude, I'm ready. I'm ready for Arbs, bro.
SPEAKER_01I wish Arby's was Arby's is my uh honorable number two.
SPEAKER_02Good chance that we'll go to Arby's on Thursday night of the fucking fart party week.
SPEAKER_01Down for it, dude.
SPEAKER_02Let's fucking just get beefed. Yep. Let's beef each other up.
SPEAKER_01Did I ever tell you? I think I've told you the story before about um like, you know, a lot of times these places they'll do like a two for blah, whatever, like two for five beef and cheddars. Yeah. So one time my when I was a kid, my mom went there and we got like four beef and cheddars, and we both just ate one and we're like, we'll have the other one, you know, for later.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So we bring them home, and then I'm a little feeling a little snacky late at night. So I fucking grab a beef and ched out the fridge.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I'm like, I gotta heat this bad boy up. So I chuck it in the microwave and I fucking hit beep, beep, boop, start, and then boom, just sparks flying everywhere. Yeah. Because they wrap their fucking shit in tinfoil. Yeah. And it I didn't know this. I wasn't old enough to know yet that uh that was metal. I knew my mom said, never put a fork or whatever. You know, I knew that. Yeah. But I I just thought, okay, I won't because it'll get hot, right? And I won't like that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I didn't think about like that. It's metal, and that's why.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I put one in uh one time uh coming home from Wendy's when I worked there. And a chicken sandwich. I I was just stoned as fuck. I got I used to get stoned with my manager at Wendy's. I know I've told you about that. Yeah. And uh yeah, got really stoned. He had like chronic, and I was not used to that yet. And I was fucking so high and drove two miles home down a fucking two-lane highway, like and uh made it home and fucking threw that chicken sandwich in the fucking microwave. And it it sat there and like did its thing for like probably five seconds before I realized, oh, that's an extra noise. I had like the TV on and shit. Anyway, it was my parents' microwave. Who gives a fuck?
SPEAKER_01Fuck it. Yeah, uh another microwave story I have before I get to number two. Uh god damn. My buddy, I told I know I've told you this before, but I just like retelling stuff because it's fun. Um he was like a teenager, like 16, and uh he was hungry and he fucking grabbed cup of noodle from the from the cabinet, yeah, yeah, and he had never done it himself before. Yeah. His mom had always done it for him. So he just like the cup of noodle is an Astyrofoam cup, it's got a paper tab thing over the top that you peel back and fill it with water. Yep. And that that whole thing is wrapped in cellophane, and then that whole thing has a cardboard kajigger around the inside. He just stuck all of that, no water, no nothing, the whole thing in the microwave, yeah, and just set it for like six minutes and it caught fire. Of course, and ruined the microwave. Of course. Very fucking stupid. Um, but anyway, my number two regrettably is not Arby's. The witch fingers is what did it for me. But as far as like the I mean, Arby's isn't burgers, but like it's like a meat sandwich kind of deal. Yeah, yeah. Uh beef. It's it's a heated meat circle sandwich thing, which I feel like this restaurant beats them out and takes the cake for the quote unquote burger category. All right. It's fucking Wendy's, dude. Oh I think Wendy's sleeper consistently has the best burgers. I think that Wendy's has the best fast food hamburger on the fucking market, and his name is the Baconator, dude. Yeah. The Baconator is the most fire fucking fast food burger. And I I don't count places like five guys. That's not really fast food. Yeah. That's like a sit-down restaurant, kinda.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's and it's like $85 for a burger there. We don't talk about that shit. And also, I'm gonna be honest with you, it's not that fucking good, dude. It's very greasy, it's very wet. It's just I don't I don't care for it that much. It's like you yeah. Anyway, Wendy's. Their fries, I think, are the best. I know that you disagree. I think their fries are the best. They're very consistent. I like that you got a little bit of skin on there. They're always salted to perfection.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I love their fries. They are my favorite fast food fries. You can't say that they're bad. Okay.
SPEAKER_00That's the thing.
SPEAKER_01You're right. You can't say they're bad. You can say any other fry is bad other than like, you know, McDonald's. Like Burger King's fries are dog shit.
SPEAKER_02They're way too big. They've always been bad. They're terrible. They're soggy donkey dick piece of shit fries. They're the worst.
SPEAKER_01I think that the Whopper is probably my number two or number three fast food burger. It's fucking awesome.
SPEAKER_02It is. It's good. I I'd probably go five or six on it, but it's not bad.
SPEAKER_01I don't I like it a lot. I don't personally like McDonald's, so they're not gonna make any of my top anything. Like the quarter pounder of cheese, iconic. The Big Mac, iconic. I don't like them that much.
SPEAKER_02Like I think the I like a Big Mac, but you You gotta keep up with that middle bun. It's too much bread. Scoots out.
SPEAKER_01It's too much bread. It's not enough meat. It's I don't I don't care for it that much.
SPEAKER_02I I kind of want to try doing a double Big Mac. Like having two patties. You know what I mean? Two pieces of cheese between each. So I feel like you'd be too tall. Four altogether. And then the bun in the middle.
SPEAKER_01You know what they need to do? Is have a Big Mac that's made with quarter pounder burgers instead of the thin bitch patties. That would solve the issue with that. That would be fucking phenomenal. Yeah, that's sick. The bigger Mac. The biggest Mac. The fucking dump truck Mac, dude. The Mac truck. Um, yeah, I think the Baconator is the best fast food burger, legitimate fast food. I avoided a lot of like places that aren't really fast food. Like there's not, there's a drive-thru, but it takes an hour, you know, like you order it ahead and pick it up. Like, I don't fuck with any of that shit. Um, I'm talking about when you like it is fast food of what you think. That was a very poorly constructed sentence. It is what comes to mind when you think of fast food. When I say fast food, you don't think dominoes.
SPEAKER_02No. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You know what I'm saying? Like they they are in the category technically, but not what I'm going for. Um, Wendy's hamburgers, fire. A lot of people like the chili. I'm not a fan, but I get it. They have baked potatoes, which is cool. Their fries, I think, are amazing. Even the burgers that I don't fuck with, like the junior bacon cheeseburger, great. The Dave's double, great. Like their patties are fucking awesome. I don't care about the square shed. You want to talk all go on some autistic subreddit. I don't give a fuck. But it's fresh, never frozen. You can taste that. It's in the fridge, well, it's in the fridge. Yeah, yeah. You know? Like, I prefer the taste of a Burger King patty, but you can't charbroil everything. You know what I mean? Like, Wendy's burgers are fucking phenomenal. And it's all consistent. And they have chicken nuggets that are better, in my opinion, than McDonald's chicken nuggets.
SPEAKER_02I don't know. It's close. It's close.
SPEAKER_01I think the Wendy's chicken nuggets are more breaded and the McDonald's ones are battered, and that's probably why I don't like them very much.
SPEAKER_02Is that this is just number two? Yeah.
SPEAKER_01God damn.
SPEAKER_02I mean, I don't have to spend a whole lot of time on number one because it's not it's because Wendy's where do you go after Wendy's? Is was is why I said that.
SPEAKER_01Number one is number one by a fucking country mile. Number one is inarguably the greatest fast food restaurant that's ever existed, that ever will exist. There is no fucking arguing that you cannot even compete. Not it's a different category. It's a category all and of itself, and no other fast food joint will ever compete with the king, dude. Taco motherfucking bell. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. There's it's not debatable. There's no argument. It's better when you're high, it's still amazing when you're not. Yeah. It's open late. The food is fire. Yeah. It's fucking great. They have innovated Mexican food technology to a point where they've come up with they have to make up their own Spanish to name these things. Yeah. The fucking the Crunch Wrap Supreme is the greatest fast food item ever, ever to exist. Ever.
SPEAKER_02It's pretty sick, yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's by far the best fast food item ever.
SPEAKER_02I mean, it's it's one of those. It's like the the epic apex of a genre of thing, so much that we could literally sit here and just keep naming shit back and forth, and there would still be five we wouldn't have thought of.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, dude. I I've tried every item that I can think of that I've ever seen, and usually it's like this is a gimmick, but it's still delicious. You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, right, exactly.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's like I don't care that it's like whatever that double decker taco bullshit where it's like whatever.
SPEAKER_02It's still fucked. DZ Gordita Crunch.
SPEAKER_01It's eight ingredients.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01They just combine them in a different way.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's still great. Yeah. Or like a an extra sauce or an extra something or other that just sets it off, and it's all the main ingredients you're used to anyway. And then you're right, dude.
SPEAKER_01They've never come out with a new item where it's like, mm-wh. You know what I mean? Right. It's always just like, yeah, that is a fucking Taco Bell item.
SPEAKER_02Even the left field thing of like the Cantina tacos. Yeah. They're glorious, dude. They're cantina good.
SPEAKER_01That Cantina chicken is motherfucking bussing, dude. It's amazing. I would get the Cantina bowl when I was like, I would go to Taco Bell because my chick wanted to go, and I was like, I mean, obviously I'm not gonna say no to Taco Bell.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I need a healthier item. I would order the Cantina bowl and like edit. You could go to the kiosk and edit the items. You don't even have to talk to these fucking. I won't say what they are. You know what they are. This isn't a Mexican restaurant, okay?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah. They are the drinkers.
SPEAKER_01Taco Bell workers of society. Whoa, dude, I wasn't gonna say that. Uh they just make me nervous sometimes.
SPEAKER_02Uh all the time, but it still fucking kicks ass every time you're eating it.
SPEAKER_01The kiosk rules, because you can edit your food better. That's sick, yeah. Dude, Taco Bell is just fucking phenomenal.
SPEAKER_02They got the Baja Blast on fucking point, multiple flavors of it, and the purple is not bad. I haven't had it. It's not as good, it's not as iconic, but it's pretty good.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. It's not terrible. People can bitch about oh, the tacos are gotten smaller. Whatever, dude. They got the fucking Doritos Locos tacos. Oh, dude. It's insane.
SPEAKER_02It is, dude. The fucking Mexican pizza. Fire. So good, dude. And it's not Mexican pizza, but we're just gonna go with it.
SPEAKER_01For a while, my favorite item there was I can't remember what it's called, but I called it the drowned burrito. Yeah. Because it was all wet and stuff. Yeah. It's like the enchilada sauce on it. I can't remember what they called it. It was like it was covered in the sauce. Yeah. And you eat it with a fork. It's fucking great. Yeah. It's fucking great, dude. And then this is an iconic era of Taco Bell. The $2 meal deal. Yeah. Holy fucking shit, dude. A chicken burrito, a medium soda, and a bag of Doritos for $2. What? I know. Bro, that I miss the chicken burrito so much. They had a chicken enchilada burrito for a while, and that was like, yo, here we go. We're back. Yeah. They got rid of it. Sheesh. But that fucking chicken burrito back in the day with that avocado ranch suck my fucking asshole. That shit was amazing.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I planned a week around getting the fucking Mexican pizza once. Whenever they had it. When it came back. Yeah, they they brought it back first. Holy fuck. I was like, I gotta get one. And I went to one, they didn't have it. So I drove like two miles to the next one and they had it. Damn. And uh yeah, yeah. So so I get it, dude.
SPEAKER_01They ain't got bad items. The fucking Fiesta potatoes are even good, and I don't really care that much for them. I never order them, but you know, I've had them, and I'm like, this is good. It's potatoes and cheese and sour cream. It's fire. Even the fucking bean burrito, it's like whatever. It's still delicious. Yeah. Because you get the sauce, man. Yeah. Their sauce has always been king. Yeah. King of sauces.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. You couldn't really do a suicide sauce there.
SPEAKER_01No, it's just hotter versions of the same thing. It is.
SPEAKER_02It is. But it's all sick. Yeah. Uh yeah, I don't, I usually do mild. I'm just like, eh, fuck it. Or medium if I'm feeling extra. Medium doesn't exist anymore. Saucy. Oh.
SPEAKER_01It's mild, hot Diablo.
SPEAKER_02I've been getting in fire. I've been getting fucking mild for years, so that doesn't surprise me that I don't know that.
SPEAKER_01I was always getting medium because it was like hot if I'm feeling like spice, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mild if I just want flavor. Medium has always been my go-to, and they got rid of it. It's just mild, hot, fire, and Diablo now.
SPEAKER_02I don't know if I ever knew that they got rid of fucking how long ago?
SPEAKER_01It's probably been a couple of years now.
SPEAKER_02Oh, okay. So not that long. Okay. That makes more sense then. But dude, there's no competitor either. No. Like Taco John's. Fuck yourself.
SPEAKER_01Dude, sometimes their rice is undercooked, and it's like, don't even have rice then, stupid.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, right. It's stupid. So Del Taco, fuck off. There's not a fucking, there's just not a competitor. It doesn't make sense.
SPEAKER_01I I counted, I discounted and did not even look at like Chipotle and Qdoba. Because it's a different thing, man. Kind of sorta. It's just it's a it's a burrito joint. That's all they do, is basically just burritos. Yeah. Okay, you could order. It's not the same to order tacos there. Don't even get me started. It's a burrito joint. Right. I love Qdoba. I think Qdoba is better than three or four of the top five I just did. I fucking love it because I love Mexican food. But Taco Bell is the best fast food restaurant to ever exist, period.
SPEAKER_02It is. It's the it's at the top. Pinnacle. You can't you can't really argue that.
SPEAKER_01And you shouldn't. Because you'd be stupid and we just proved all we just said all the reasons for. You'd be a fucking idiot. Stupid head. Fucking idiot. And it's it's affordable. Still. Even though it's more money, $7 for a Crunch Rap Supreme is not that bad. Yeah. They still have $3 fucking like beefy five layer burritos and shit. That's fine. In this day and age, you expect to pay a lot. Yeah. So you're right. Cool, man. Yeah. We did it. We did. Taco Bell number one. Come for the king, you get the taco bell. Best advertising ever, too.
SPEAKER_02They had a Chihuahua as their fucking mascot for so many years. I love Chihuahuas, so that's that's a point in their favor for me.
SPEAKER_01The bong in and of itself, dude. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02You don't even need a jingle. Bong. On uh on Tony Hawk 3 and 4 that they came out last year, uh on the college level, there's a fucking Taco Bell, and if you grind the rail above the Taco Bell, it makes the bong sound.
SPEAKER_01I remember.
SPEAKER_02How sick is that? That is fucking dumb. That's worth the fucking price of buying it right there. Hell yeah. Just a just a start start on four, start at college, boom. Yeah. Fantastic. Uh it's a little difficult to get your ass up there, too.
SPEAKER_01It takes a second. I'll have to give it a shot. It's been a while. Uh, if you want to hear more of our shit, patreon.com slash fartmouth, check us out, give us a couple of bucks. It's pretty sick. Um, if you're you've heard us talking about this fart party nonsense, um you should come to it. It's gonna be fun. We're gonna party our fucking asses off. There's gonna be lots of laughs and crazy hijinks and such. We're gonna go to Arby's. We're gonna go to fucking Arby's, dude, and we're gonna watch a bunch of cool stuff and record a live show. And there's gonna be some games involved, some secret prizes and such that'll happen. Yeah, and you can get fucked up and not have to worry about anything because there's a place that you can sleep and not go to jail. So, yeah, come to the fire party. It'll be really fun. It's on uh July 18th. Yep. Yeah. So she can show up the day before. That's fine too. Yeah. Uh, if you need more information, just uh there's a link to the Discord in the description of this episode, or you can go to Patreon and just sign up for free. If you don't want to pay us money, that's fine. There's a free level of membership on Patreon and message us on there. Yeah. And we'll tell you information that you need to know. If you're on the fence, just fucking do it, dude. You're gonna regret not going to the last fart party probably ever. Especially if it's easily drivable. Yeah. If you're like, oh, I didn't know they were only two hours away, then you can come. It's a short drive. Yeah. So anyway, yeah. Thanks for listening.