Fartmouth
The most raunchy, stupid, and irreverent comedy podcast on the internet. The podcast equivilent of getting a lobotomy.
Fartmouth
324 - Irregardless
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Thank you for downloading the most JAKE IS YELLING episode of Fartmouth ever recorded!
JOIN THE DISCORD: https://discord.gg/EQ3BWYT3hv
This week's show features...
- Would You Rather
- F*ck You, You Piece of Sh*t
Yeah. Over all the years and not once. Right. Not once, Jake. Have you seen my, nor I seen your penis? True. All these years of friendship. So basically, at this point, I have to ask the question: do you really actually like me at all?
SPEAKER_04I do, but not enough to show you my penis.
SPEAKER_02I don't believe you.
SPEAKER_04Why don't you love me as much as I love you? The following is a production of the Farmath University Chip Chick and your Director Department.
SPEAKER_02Thank you for listening.
SPEAKER_03Well clients can sleep. Farthmyth University.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, we getting topical. Screw worm? Screw worm, yeah. Uh the Trump administration canceled the screw worm mitigation uh shit whenever they did the doge stuff a year ago. So now screw worms are going crazy in Texas and fucking up all the beef. What do they look like? Uh like little springs. Well, they're actually it's like a fly. Boing? Boing? It's like an inchworm, but it bounces. Uh no, it's like a it's like a fly that uh it's like a parasitic fly that fucking lays its screw worm eggs in like a cow's skin. And uh anyway, yeah.
SPEAKER_02You ever seen that movie where the it's like uh a metaphor for how the pork industry's all fucked up and shitty? I think so. It's like the big pig thing. Yeah. It's friends with the little girl. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And they like take like a fucking like a like a like a corkscrew, but it's not, right? Yeah, it's like a hole puncher. And they punch a hole out of this animal and they cook it and eat it. Do you remember that? I think so. They like it's like they carve out a cylinder of its meat while it's still alive. That sucks. So that's what I imagined the that's what I was imagining when I was picturing this uh flies eggs just boring into the side of a fat animal. Like a corkscrew for a fucking wine bottle just screwing itself into the animal, which I don't know if you've ever seen like the I used to fucking just get terrified as a kid watching uh botfly larvae videos. Oh god, yeah, yeah. Dude, there's this guy from Brazil, they had like a piece of duct tape on his back, and they extracted this bot fly larvae from his back. Yeah. And for probably, I mean, conservatively seven years, I was fucking horrified that a bot fly was gonna lay its larvae in me. Yeah, and it was gonna have to, it was gonna like burrow into my flesh.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And then I was like, I got older and I remembered that we live in America, not uh Brazil. So we don't really have that here. Yeah. Just regular flies that are annoying. Yeah. And then mosquitoes.
SPEAKER_04You don't have a sickle cell either. That's right. That's your first clue that you're in a different spot. That's true. That's very true. Yep. No malaria. Your red blood cells are fucking a circle like they should be. Right.
SPEAKER_02The only spears that are getting chucked over here are in vigigames. Anyway, we're here to do a fucking show. Welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast, a show whose host has been really broke and stressed out lately. So I've been eating a lot of Uncle Ben's ready rice. Nice. And also self-medicating for all the stress. Um, and all that has culminated into me crushing up Xanax and putting it in my rice packets. Call it Uncle Ben's O's. Nice, dude. Thanks. Tyler. I'm Jake. Get right on into the stode, dude. Yeah. We got a fucking sewed for you, dude. Yeah, it's fucking classic bits.
SPEAKER_04It's like so duh, but without the uh. Right. It's fizzy. It is that. Would you rather it's fizzy, dude? All right. So getting fizzy and busy, baby. Your topic last week was jars. Jars. So I took all week to ruminate and to think about it. It was jarring. My door was ajar. There was a lot happening with jars. And I I think I uh I think I did the thing.
SPEAKER_02When is a door not a door, Jake?
SPEAKER_04When it's a jar.
SPEAKER_02Can't tune a fish.
SPEAKER_04Uh so uh so I think I did the thing with my would you rather about jars. Mine don't have anything to do with yours from last week. Okay. Except there's one little thing, but it I turned it on its fucking head.
SPEAKER_02Dude, I love when I see a jar get turned on its head.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, and then you sit on it. Uh Would You Rather? Meet the woman of your dreams. But your hands and cock and balls are eternally stuck in jars.
SPEAKER_02My hands and cock and balls.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, you have three jars on your person. Two of them on your hands, one of them on your cock and balls. Okay. All right. Uh or you meet the woman of your dreams. Same woman, I guess. Uh, but her hands are in jars, and she has one man, or I guess one woman, one jarred her pussy. Oh, so it's mutilated. But it didn't break. It's just stuck inside there. Oh. Yeah. In her pussy? In her pussy. And hold on. And her butthole. Sorry. Yeah, her butthole too.
SPEAKER_02You saw me make the face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And her butthole, too. Out of your periff. That yeah. You saw me go. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04I saw the eyebrows.
SPEAKER_02Dude, this whole four by four gets on a dirt road every once in a while.
SPEAKER_04I go all Hank Three with my cock. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_00This Jeep Wrangler can climb a rock or two, boy. Oh, yeah. This old paddle boat can go down a muddy river.
SPEAKER_04So I mean this old canoe can get in some silt if you know what I'm saying. Like the forefathers of our country, I immediately saw the issue with my initial assertion and I had to make an amendment real quick. This man wrote the 13th Amendment. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Damn, son.
SPEAKER_04Wow. Okay. I was like, wait a minute, but freedom of speech. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
SPEAKER_05Wait a minute.
SPEAKER_04So wait a minute, but you can have guns. Wait a minute, but you don't have to uh uh house soldiers. Um those are the first three amendments if you guys are following along. Uh your boy knows the bare minimum history of our country.
SPEAKER_02Um the right to bare minimums.
SPEAKER_04The right to bare butts. Uh yeah, so that's it. I mean, you either she's got the jars that make sex not happen, or you have the jars that make sex not happen. Pretty much.
SPEAKER_02That that's ultimately the the goal of the well, I mean, like our forefathers, there are things that you didn't foresee when you wrote these amendments that the future blowjobs is what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_04Well, that's the one thing you get. Okay. That's it. Which And she can't even touch it with her hands to your to your credit. Face fucking her every time.
SPEAKER_022X to your credit. 2XL, like my t-shirt size to your credit. Yeah. One, my fav, like one, I'm I'm not that I'm not that big into blowjobs. I like them obviously. I'm not a fucking monster, not a weirdo, but it's like I if I if if I had my Druthers, yeah, I'd butt fuck both her brothers. Right. Wheeler Walker Jr. Wheeler Walker Jr. Yeah, is coming to a place near us really in like October, November, or something like that. And I I almost screenshot it and sent it to you and asked you if you wanted to go. Because it's actually not a far drive at all, and I think it would be really fun. Maybe just floating that to you now. Maybe, maybe. Uh I'm open to it. Uh, but yeah. If I had my Derothers pussy every time. Of course. Uh it's kind of a it depends on the day, but it's a tie between blowjobs and butt fucking.
SPEAKER_05Oh, wow. Okay.
SPEAKER_02It just depends. I would say probably six days out of seven, it's it's blowjobs.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02But you know. On the Lord's Day? Yeah, dude. Me and God, we fuck butts. Hell yeah, dude. You know, every once in a while I get a little fucking stray mood. Hit me. Yeah, sure. So yeah, blowjobs are on the table, but the other option is my dick is off the table completely. So that introduces some issues. Um, are these indestructible jars? Yes, of course.
SPEAKER_04Okay. It's a oh, I I said eternally. Like they're all they're on your hand for the rest of your life. Well, the jars exist for the rest of your life. They're made out of some indestructible thing. You can't get them off, you can't break them, nothing. Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I can't get them off, and I can't get off in the first scenario. Or get her off, right? Right. Which is also a problem, as you know. Right.
SPEAKER_04Oh, the other caveat I guess you can eat her out if you have the jars on your cock and balls on your hands. That's true. But then So in both cases, you can, you know, do mouth stuff, but that's it.
SPEAKER_02Right. But in both cases it's a problem because in my world, like the ideal scenario is we both get off. And I'm not I I don't feel good if we don't both get off. Right. In in the second scenario, I can be selfish and be like, well, at least I get to come. Right. I don't know. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04That's that's what the would you rather is testing, I guess. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02I'm just I'm thinking through it. Uh, the the second caveat, I'm not that into blowjobs. I also, if I'm gonna get a blowjob, like it has to have hand twisties. Right. Yeah. I can't, of course. I can't get off to uh just mouthfucking. Yeah. Even if she's like slop hogging it up. If she's down there doing lick a tongue action, like like the 122nd Pokemon just fucking. Is it is he really 122? I knew if I said that number that you would just believe it, and I could just be like, obviously, I know every I think he's a little later, but I have no idea. I don't remember it's it could be 79, it could be 135.
SPEAKER_04But I I I can put hands on the handbook right now. Yeah. Like literally, it's right over there, dude. Jake's got it.
SPEAKER_02We can figure it out. The Pokepedia over here.
SPEAKER_04I have both handbooks. I have the handbook with all 1000 or whatever it is, and I have the handbook with the original 150. Wild. Or 152, I guess, really.
SPEAKER_02I thought I liked Pokemon.
SPEAKER_04I didn't know that I'd I Well, there's a child in the house that I was trying to uh educate.
SPEAKER_02Sure, sure, sure. How many Pokemon tattoos do I have? Let's see. I've got about 15 to 30 tattoos. Yeah, you got a bunch. Not one, not one Pokemon.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I have one with plans to have six on my arm once my chick gets, you know, so her bona fide, as it were, with tattooing.
SPEAKER_02You kind of see where I'm going with this. Yeah, yeah. You're a little more into it than I am. Yeah. Which is like, that's cool. I don't think there's a problem with that. I'm just saying it's worth noting. Right. Keep them on a watch list. Sure. Yeah, so back to your oh, would you rather? Um, you know, like I like to try to relate some of these situations to to like my life experience and stuff. This is one of those ones where I just I don't have any way to well, I will say this. I did date a girl one time that like, I mean, we had a like in the grand scheme of things, you know, a thousand-foot lens looking down, a fairly like healthy sexual relationship. But like comparatively, like my desire for fucking was a little bit higher than hers, which I think is the case for most men out there, you can relate to that. But one thing that was kind of cool about this chick, I would say probably the only kind of cool thing about her at all, yeah, was that like basically anytime I wanted a blowjob or to titty fuck her, pretty much fair game. Oh, and that was pretty neat. But here's what I'll say about that. A thousand times out of one thousand and one, I wanted a titty fuck. Yeah, I would much rather just fucking straddle that torso and and take those tits to town. Tune down. Tune those titties up. And they were just like, I mean, the perfect tits for fucking tits. Nice. I don't know that I'll ever fuck a pair of tits more primed for titty fucking ever. Probably ever. And you know what? Considering all the drawbacks to that person, I can die happy with worth it. I got to on dozens with a fucking capital S at the end. Yeah. Times I got to fuck those tits. I think I'm okay with that. Yeah. You know, there's certain there's certain things in your, like, you know, chasing the dragon type shit. Yeah, yeah. Dude does hair one the first time. Oh my god, the best fucking feeling I ever felt in my life. I chased it for years and years and years, and I fucking ruined my life. Right. It's not that. Once you fucked the first time I fucked her tits and the last time I fucked her tits were equally amazing and awesome and rad. Sick. They it never got old. It didn't lose one ounce. Yeah. It was every waking second after the after the titty fucking that got old really fast. But uh never lost its luster. No, dude. Those fucking like eight minutes of me just furiously like making weird faces and shit because I was so locked in and just biting your lip and shit. Yeah. I can't tell you how many bottles of coconut oil I went through. Me and I had a fucking, I had like a uh I fucking Walgreens rewards. Nice. Dude, to this day I'm getting fucking Gatorades off of that shit. Oh man. Anyway. Uh so I could. Here's the question. Yeah. Miss Jar Pussy. Uh-huh. Fuckable tits or nah. I think it's uh I want more, I want a lot more disc. I want you to go in detail. But it's your dream girl. My dream girl?
SPEAKER_04Yeah, so I guess she would have been gonna be gonna be.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna titty fuck her to death.
SPEAKER_04That is something. Here's the thing, Tyler. I didn't think about that. Not once did titty fucking cross my mind. Well, that's the thing. I'm I we have different degenerative tendencies. Right. I mean, you you know, you can ask on your way out if, you know, if that's happened, and you're gonna get a yes. And it was a good time from my point of view. Uh and would I do it again? Absolutely. Well, I'm gonna tell you. Like, it's not forefront of my brain. Like, it's a great time. And I I enjoy, I enjoy when it's incorporated in the rest of the act, kind of. It's an appetizer. Like, or well, no, I mean, even even while while getting, you know, while getting some head, like titty fuck for a sec for a little bit and then and then go back to getting head, you know? Shit like that. Like, is like I like it as part of the the rest of the thing, whereas for you, it's it's your fucking jackhammer. It's your stunner, dude. It's your it's your fucking uh diamond cutter.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Well, I mean, so I will say Am I right?
SPEAKER_04Like you like to finish out of it, right?
SPEAKER_02So or during it. If we're well, who doesn't? First of all. First of all. Let's go back to one of my favorite words, derrothers.
SPEAKER_04I like how you add the syllable.
SPEAKER_02It's like it's D E R. I learned about this word from a song. I never heard the word until I heard Wheeler Walker Jr. say, if I had my derothers, I'd butt bump both your brothers. Yeah. So in my mind, that's how the word is.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I believe it's just D R, and he elongated it in the song. I know that now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's not how I learned.
SPEAKER_02So you're never gonna undo that. Yeah. And the more people try to tell me not to, the more I will lean into it. You're gonna resist, yeah. It's brothers now. I'm gonna drag it out. Just like I'm dragging out my answer to this. Woody wrap. Yeah, I have a whole nother one. We'll get to it. Don't worry. Um again, back to my derothers. Again, pussy is still gonna beat out titty fucking. Really? Oh, yeah. You know, every once in a while you get you get in the mood, like I want a titty fuck. Right. But like, if you if you have your pick of the fucking litter, uh-huh, that's just gonna be a part of the equation. It's not gonna be like, hey, so tonight I just want to fuck your tits. Right. That's never been a part of the conversation. It's never been like, ah, I mean, I want to come, but I don't want to like fuck your pussy. I just would rather put it between your tits. It doesn't feel as good, guys. It's still awesome as fuck. Don't get me wrong. But if I'm making a tier list, pussy is S tier, titty fucking's A tier, blowjobs B tier, butt fucking C tier. That's just how the tier list goes. Sure. You'll notice that none of them are D or F tier because fucking rules.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, well, and I mean, if you were gonna put anything there, it'd be hand job, but Oh, I forgot about who gets a fucking hand job.
SPEAKER_02Hand jobs are D tier.
SPEAKER_04Who gets a hand job anymore, anyway? Here's the thing, dude. Just a hand job. That would be so weird if my chick was like, no, just my hand. Right. That'd be fucking weird.
SPEAKER_02I was gonna say, like, a a bad dry hand job is like F tier, but the thing is, all of those things ahead of that, a bad pussy, a bad butt fucking bad blow, those are all F tier. Yeah. So you can't really throw that in there. You just have to imagine, like, this is like ideal scenario. Yeah. An ideal hand job can be C tier. Sure.
SPEAKER_04Because if it's like a spa style treatment, dude, if she's doing the fucking whirly shit off the top of your dick.
SPEAKER_02If you're oiled up and she's getting nice slow twisties, maybe a little bit of eye contact here and there.
SPEAKER_04You're like feeling on her boobs and stuff. The whole thing where she increases the surface area that touches the head of your dick only. Oh man. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So we're we're cooking with gas now. An ideal hand job can be C tier, but the m most hand jobs are D tier. Right.
SPEAKER_04Because most of the time it's just either getting or keeping you hard. You know?
SPEAKER_02I I love when the whole entire experience starts there. Like, like, ladies, if you want to fucking like rocket my shit to the moon, if you want to guarantee that I will like unnecessarily fall in love with you, start a sexual interaction by just like rubbing on my fucking dick through my jeans or my pants or whatever.
SPEAKER_05Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_02That it's so exceedingly rare for me to find a chick that will just do that. That the ones that did, I'm just like, I guess I just have to think about you all the time for the rest of my life now. The fuck? It's inconvenient as shit for me, especially when you're not even that good looking. But you just did the right stuff. So what now, oh, you get a pity B plus? What the fuck's wrong with the world?
unknownOh man.
SPEAKER_02The fuck's wrong with me, I guess, is really what it comes down to. Anyway. Anyway. So what are you choosing? I don't want a jar on my dick and balls.
unknownRight.
SPEAKER_02I really don't want that. Also, I really need my hands. I really do. Yeah. For like same. I'm a human being and I need them for basically everything. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04But if you if you parse it out the way I was thinking about it, if you fucking really, if you really get down to the nitty gritty of it, it's you with the would you rather proposition. So as everyone is, you know, you are more important to you than sh than this fucking theoretical dream girl. So right, right, right. I need my Dick and hands to be uncovered, so I can at least jerk off. Yeah. Because you're gonna be mad most of the time about the jars in your pussy and butthole and and on your hands. So I'm probably not gonna get to titty fuck you a lot. So I'm at least gonna have to jerk off. Well, you know that's what I was thinking. That's that's where my brain would have gone eventually, probably.
SPEAKER_02It it is like, I mean, maybe incidentally and maybe on purpose. If on purpose, you're a genius, but this is like such it's such a deeply personal thing for me because like number one, I'm at an age and and life experience level now where like I don't need my fucking dream girl. I really don't. Like I'm happy with a chick that's just fucking chill and cool and like good enough looking that I'm attracted to her, as attracted to me as I am to her, like that all that shit matters way more to me than like I'm like, yo, I'm with my fucking dream girl and she's amazingly hot. But then, you know, honestly, that that could be detrimental because then it's like, how often am I gonna be like, how does this chick like me? Like, you know, like I'm gonna be questioning myself all the time. So it's almost like a gift and a curse, a monkey paws kind of thing. Yeah, monkey's paw kind of thing. But also another hidden figure that you didn't think about. That's a little bit of a a clever line, by the way, because that movie's all about women, yeah. Black women, right? Uh, but women nonetheless, yeah, regardless of their faults. Um I don't I don't really want to be with a woman at all. Like I'm I'm fucking pretty, I'm pretty happy alone. Like if if sex happens, that's fucking cool. If it doesn't, what is the cost? If the cost to me is to enter another relationship right now, I'm good. Oh, okay. I don't want to. I would like no strings attached. But I'm also aware enough to know that it's not always realistic to expect that of a chick, especially a chick, right, to be okay with a no strings attached situation. Sure. And I don't, I'm never going to like surprise a chick with that. Yeah. I'm not gonna like go on a date with a girl and we hit it off, and then we go back to my place and we fuck and everything's cool, and then I'm just like, oh, by the way, right, I don't want anything serious. I don't feel like that's fair, and I wouldn't feel good about myself, so I'm not gonna do that. And I know that my odds of fucking a chick are far lower based on my requirement to myself of full and complete honesty and disclosure. And I accept that. That's totally fine. I still have to live with myself at the end of the day.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um, so you know, it is an interesting scenario because like now I have to just accept the fact that I have to be in a relationship with a chick that is my dream girl. I can't fuck her pussy, blah blah blah. There's all those caveats, but it's like almost paramount at the top of the list. Is like, fuck, when I choose this option, now I have to be in a relationship that I don't want to be in anyway. Even if she is my dream girl, even if she is fucking, you know, personality on point, yada yada, I'm giving up my freedom to a certain extent. Yeah, so it is tough, it's a tough choice. Yeah. But the need to have my hands and dick kind of trumps all of that.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. That's how I felt. Well played, sir. Yeah. Well, this next one's not as good, so get ready. Uh no, it's it's it's fine, actually. Uh, and it brings back an element that we haven't talked about in a long time. It's a it's it's a thing that it's a it's it's a phrase, a concept, a thing in everyday American life, and honestly abroad as well, uh, that every child deals with, or well, a lot of kids deal with, uh, that we used to talk about a lot in a certain segment that we did. We haven't talked about this thing a lot.
SPEAKER_02I do I think I do think it's worthwhile to note that something as simple as the word jars has created as much interesting conversation over two separate weeks as it ended up. Anyways.
SPEAKER_04Well, maybe this one will do the same. I sure probably not, but maybe. My topic that you'll have to come up with one for next week, and I did this week, is the school bus. The scubus. We used to have school bus full of eighth graders as a recurring thing in our who would win. Who would win we used to do?
SPEAKER_02Who would win in a fight to the death?
SPEAKER_04Right. And uh, so I I thought of that and I was like, oh yeah. We haven't talked about school buses in so long. School buses full of eighth graders, by the way. OP. There are yeah, there are no eighth graders in this, would you rather? Okay.
SPEAKER_02Um that's good, especially coming out of all the fuck talk we just did. Exactly. So, would you rather, Tyler? Fuck a school bus full of jobs.
SPEAKER_06Uh-oh.
SPEAKER_04Full of broken jobs. Uh, no, no. Would you rather drive a full-size school bus as your personal vehicle for the rest of your life? Okay. The rest of your this thing has impeccable mechanics, okay mechanic work that went into it to where it doesn't break down. Gotcha. It's gonna outlast you. It's the cockroach of school buses, dude.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_04Or get pegged with a Hot Wheels school bus once a week for a year.
SPEAKER_01Interesting.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. I don't know if you remember Hot Wheels cars. Me getting pegged. Oh, well, I I wasn't gonna bring that up. But uh, I don't know if you remember. I don't know if you remember. Uh Hot Wheels cars. The drunker I get, the more I remember it. And how and how sharp the mirrors are on a Hot Wheels car. The little the little mirrors that stick out on either side.
SPEAKER_02Right. Those are big mirrors, too.
SPEAKER_04That's gonna do some damage, brother.
SPEAKER_02School bus has got some big mirrors.
SPEAKER_04You're gonna there's they're gonna have to whoever's pegging you is gonna have to do do you a solid and turn 90 degrees to fucking help your your sphincter.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's like having a miniaturized uh version of the head of that kid on the cover of Mad Magazine.
SPEAKER_04A little bit, yeah. It's like Obama ears going into your butthole over and over and over. Obama ears made of metal going in your butthole over and over again. Yeah, man.
unknownFuck.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. I mean, and I'm gonna say this. You can put not a healthy amount, but like uh uh let's say like uh a dime's worth of lube on the grill of that school.
SPEAKER_02A minimal amount necessary.
SPEAKER_04I'll give you the dime because of the mirrors, I'll give you a dime of lube. Okay. If there weren't mirrors, you'd have no lube. But the mirrors really throw a wrench in the fucking thing.
SPEAKER_02I hadn't considered the mirrors because, you know, at face value before you were finished with uh all the you know minutiae. Yeah, I was like, honestly, I've had bigger stuff in my butt. Not much. Don't get me wrong, but like right, a Hot Wheels school bus is a little smaller than what's out there on the market.
SPEAKER_04Like, if you think about a Lamborghini Hot Wheels car, it's like half an inch tall.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_04And like two and a half, three inches long, right?
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_04The school bus is not like a one-to-one, like a proportional difference, you know what I mean, right? From the car size, but it is probably an inch and a quarter, inch and a half tall, and it's like four, four and a half inches long. Right. It's like longer and taller, and it's like if it's almost like if I was at like three-quarter chub and I had two weird metal ears coming off of the sides of my dick.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. It's like that. If your dick was like uh if my dick was metal. If your dick was like a metal uh a Moxliotl. You know what I mean? An axolotl? Axolotl. Amoxliotl is uh Pokemon. Oh, nice. Uh based on an axe.
SPEAKER_04It is like that. It is like that.
SPEAKER_02I would like to fact check that. Did I hear about where did I hear about a Moxle? That's a Pokemon. I think it is. I'm almost positive. I believe it is a Pokemon. Hey Siri! Everyone's podcast episode stops. Siri didn't hear me. She wasn't appreciative of my tone. Oh, then it popped up. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Amoxliottle. All right. I just wanted to give that a goog.
SPEAKER_04Let's do let's do the Pokemon interruption. I'm gonna go grab my book and see if Lickatung is 122.
SPEAKER_02It's definitely not, dude. Um we talked Amoxliottle. That that pop that popped up as a uh an autofill. Amoxliottle is from RuneScape.
SPEAKER_04Of course it is. Why would it be from anything else? Lickatong is 108, by the way. And I flipped him so quickly.
SPEAKER_02I wasn't that far off. That was crazy. You weren't very far. Amoxliottle's a fucking boss in RuneScape. That's so funny. I think Anastetti's after one of the two. As soon as I saw it, the first link on Google was to the Runescape wiki, and I was like, oh my god. Of course. Yeah. Why would it be from anything else? Of course. It's from but Adle Ad what is it? Axolotl. Axolotl and a Moxley Otto are very close. No. To be fair.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. I mean, one's based on the other, obviously. The boss looks nothing like a that's weird. Like the end. Why would it be named after that? Why would it be so close and not be anywhere look anywhere close? I don't know. Come on. Oh O S R S. I have to think about it every time I say it.
SPEAKER_02It's so fucking funny to me that those two worlds just like completely organically crosswired in my brain. Yeah. Anyway, yes, the animal, the mud kip looking thing. Yeah. With the ears poking out. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, I got it. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Your dick's a metal fucking mud mud kip.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_04So uh yeah, and it's three quarters, Chubb, because I I do I do go a little more than four and a half. Oh, luckily.
SPEAKER_02An inch is very significant.
SPEAKER_04When it's going in your ass, yes.
SPEAKER_02Period. In dick in dick lore. Oh, true, true. A four and a half inch dick versus a five and a half inch dick is a world apart. True. But the lower you go, the less it matters, right? Because a three and a half inch dick and a four and a half inch dick are not that different. No, no. But four and a half to five and a half is a massive difference. Right. Because then the difference between five and a half and six and a half is the gulf.
SPEAKER_04That's a fucking eternity, dude. That is so much different. That is pain and no pain. That is only pleasure, and uh, this is gonna fucking hurt a little bit.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, I mean, so depending on the chick, obviously. I mean, I don't want to like Google how big a Hot Wheels school bus is. I would argue that three inches is probably more accurate, maybe three and a half. Meh, probably. Um, because like, you know, a Hot Wheels Lambeau is probably two inches.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, maybe two and a half, maybe.
SPEAKER_02Maybe.
SPEAKER_04But I don't I don't think that they use the same ratio. That's what I was saying earlier. That's not proportionate. The school bus is not that much bigger than the Hot Wheels Lambeau. Right. Whereas in real life, the school bus is twice as long as the Hot Wheels, as as the Lambo.
SPEAKER_02I mean, I say that and I and you know, I remember going to the what do they call those places with that's all dildos and shit? The sex store? Yeah. I remember going to the sex store with this chick and picking out the apparatus. Right. I definitely remember calling it an apparatus on the show. I remember saying that word like 50 times. Yeah. I remember going with her to the sex store and picking out the apparatus and noting that it was only like three or three and a half inches. It was not very big. It was the girth was very like it was like I had a fat girl's middle finger in my ass.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02To like the first or the second knuckle.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, sure.
SPEAKER_02It was not crazy. There was no pain really. Yeah. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but felt like you were pooping or something.
SPEAKER_04Oh, yeah. I mean, that's yeah, because that's the only sensation you've ever had in your ass before that moment. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And every girl I've ever fucked in the ass told me it's like pooping, but like way more pleasurable.
SPEAKER_04Sounds fun, honestly. I guess. It does sound fun. I suppose. I will tell you pooping is pretty sick, dog. I mean, pooping feels great.
SPEAKER_02I like I when I when I nice thick logs.
SPEAKER_04I don't know. That's the only time I want something thick in my sphincter is when it's poop and it's on its way out.
SPEAKER_02You know, but you know the difference is the thing that feels great about pooping is when it's out.
SPEAKER_04Oh, yeah, when it's fully breached, that moment, that instant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02The moment, the the brief milliseconds where it's passing through your sphincter are not the pleasurable moments. It's when it's out. Well, yeah. And it's done.
SPEAKER_04It's the anticipation. Because during that, you're like, oh yeah, it's a big one, it's a big one. And then when it's over, yeah.
SPEAKER_02When that loaf pinches off, dude, yeah. You're like, that's what I said, bunny bread.
SPEAKER_04What about what about when it falls out? Like you don't have to pinch it. It's just done. Oh. That's fantastic. That's pretty good. That's a good time.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I will tell you, some of the most miserable times I've had on the toilet is when I had a very uh nut buttery kind of deal. And I'm like, I hate that. I wipe and I wipe and I wipe, and it's the marker thing for Parks and Rag. Right, right, right. Yeah. It's like, dude, what like fuck that.
SPEAKER_04Do I just shower? I hate that. Yeah, no, I've I've done that once or twice. When I lived alone in the apartment, I did it once or twice. Uh it has happened. Well, I'll tell you this. Um like just it's like, I was gonna take a shower tonight anyway. Let's just go ahead and do it.
SPEAKER_02Well, so like a situation I was in recently, um, I had uh let's call it a visitation scheduled where I was going uh after work on uh on Friday. I I already had no, it was it was Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday. I had already had plans that I was gonna go to this chick's house to help her out with something, and it was unclear to me, it was it was doubtful but unclear whether anything uh sexual was going to happen.
SPEAKER_05Right.
SPEAKER_02And I get home, like 4 15, uh, we discussed that I was gonna get there at 6. So I had some time to kill. Just around the house watching, you know, YouTube or whatever, chilling. And uh 5 30 rolls around, and I'm like, uh oh. Yeah, I gotta poop. Oh you know, I had already I'd showered, I was like, I'm smelling good, deodorant, all that shit. Like brush my teeth an extra time, like just making sure I'm I'm square.
SPEAKER_05Right.
SPEAKER_02There'll be no like negative vibes around my hygiene or anything like that.
SPEAKER_05Right, right.
SPEAKER_02So I'm like, oh fuck, I gotta shit. So I go to the bathroom and I, you know, take my shit, and it's it's nut butter city.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So I wipe and I wipe and I wipe and I wipe and I wipe and I wipe, and I'm like, you know what? There's nothing going in my butt. Yeah. So fuck it. I've done my job. I've I've wiped, I've gone through half a roll of toilet paper, I've flushed three times. I've done my job. I'm not gonna get places to be. I got shit to do. Yeah, it's 5 30, I gotta leave in like 10 seconds.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So I just like, you know, yeah, I think we're good. There's like just a tiny little fucking there's a little color, just a little color on the last wipe, and I'm just like, fine.
SPEAKER_05Fuck it, yeah.
unknownFine.
SPEAKER_02Right. I hope the the scent of my dry cologne overcomes any residual butt butter that is touching my asshole right now. Yeah. But anyway.
SPEAKER_04Okay. Well, the fuck was the what'd you reckon? You're gonna pick the school bus in your ass or the driving the school bus? You gotta pay for gas for the school bus too, obviously. You gotta get diesel for that big bitch.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. People that drive anything that uses diesel get real fucking like like they get real Jeep life about Oh, big time. Yeah, yeah. It's diesel. Yeah. I remember when I was uh one one of the things I was gonna mention about driving the school bus, right, is that I used to be a truck driver, and I've Yeah, that would yeah, that can work. So I've got the experience, it's not like there's not gonna be a huge learning curve with me driving a school bus. That's not a concern. It's all the other shit. Yeah. Where to park, all the bullshit. I want to go out to a show. I have to basically walk.
SPEAKER_04Like you gotta park on the street like half a mile away. Lots and lots and lots of issues. Yeah. Um it's interest, it would be interesting to take chicks home in, though. You know? Interesting. You could take like 60 of them. Yeah. A whole bus full. Yeah, dog. Um, but uh the thing I bring 59 of your friends. Let's go.
SPEAKER_02Party bus. Oh, you know I'd have LEDs all up in that motherfucker.
SPEAKER_04Dude, oh yeah. Actually, this is becoming an easier and easier to wrap. This is this is where I was leaning, and I'm leaning hard. I don't get buttfucked, and I get to have a cool ass vehicle even though it's expensive to drive.
SPEAKER_02Honestly, Jake, I think I might live in this thing. I think convert it. I have to this thing is mechanically perfect. I have to fucking drive it. Yeah, I might as well just live in it and be a guy that has a sick party bus he lives in. Yeah. You didn't say I can't spray paint the outside to look fucking sick.
SPEAKER_04That's true, but yeah, I guess so. I guess the inconvenience was supposed to be how big it is and all don't get me wrong.
SPEAKER_02It is fucking inconvenient.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Because like But it's sounding like a better idea the more we do it, the more we talk about it. And honestly, I'm in I'm in. I'd like to incorporate the school bus idea, just in general, into our uh we own this block fantasy, which we will not revisit at the end of this episode. Riverside rat bus?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, dude. Riverside rat bus. Yeah, dude. Yeah. I'm spray painting that on the side. And I'm parking that motherfucker right over there. Oh yeah, dude. Right in that gravel over there.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, dude. I'm the rivers. What are the cops gonna do? We own this bitch. Like, what are you gonna do? I'm parked on my property, you fuck, bitch.
SPEAKER_02I'll park in the middle of the road. I own it now. This is no longer city property. And yeah, I will take responsibility of maintaining the road. And there will be zero potholes. Not a one. Not one, dude. Yep. Because our fucking pal, our pal, fucking Derek, yeah, has a whole fucking trailer full of QPC. My man's quick patching everything. Yeah, dog. As they pop up, we have a fucking, we got a there's a drone checking for potholes. Nice, hell yeah. And and and deploying motherfuckers. Webhook text alerts to Derek's phone. A dog, pothole. Yep. I'm not even gonna say where it is because it's only like a block that we own.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Just go find it. Yeah. But it's around there.
SPEAKER_04Just circle the block and figure it out.
SPEAKER_02Driving around, dude. Am I gonna give you a cord? Yeah, right. I'm not paying for GPS, pussy. Yeah. Get in the trailer. Anyway, the Riverside Rat Bus idea. Fantastic. I like that a lot. But the thing I was going to say about the the So when I was getting trained to drive semis back when I was a truck driver, the guy that trained me one time, uh, I don't remember what we were talking about, but it was like I said something like, oh, and then I press on the gas.
SPEAKER_00And he was like, it's an accelerator. He said, if you put gas in this thing, you'll get fired.
SPEAKER_02I forgot about that until now. I remember thinking, like, okay, faggot.
SPEAKER_00You didn't know what I meant. Okay. Diesel douchebag. What the fuck, you dude? It's an accelerator. You put gas in this thing, you'll get fired.
SPEAKER_02And I was just like, okay, bro, what the fuck? You didn't have to make that weird.
SPEAKER_04Gas is just a euphemism, bro. Like it's just a fucking word. It means, it means the pedal that makes the shit go, dude.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So if we're gonna do like a uh a Who Wants to be a Millionaire situation, Jake, I'm gonna for a thousand dollars. What do you think I did in this situation? Do you think A, I only called it an accelerator for the rest of my career? B, I said, what the fuck? That doesn't make any sense. C, continue to call it gas to annoy him. D, none of the above. Definitely C. That is correct.
SPEAKER_04Not only is it like C 40% of the time, just in general, but I know you. Correct. I know your body. Yeah. Um, I'll never not say that when I say I know you. I've I've duders my car brain way too much. Pino hock it up. It ain't yours, dude. Uh that's a Jizz joke. Um nice. Okay. That's I mean, you've already picked the bus. I mean, you picked you picked owning the bus. So let's move on. I I hate I hate it.
SPEAKER_02It's over. The the like having to park in places that isn't work sucks. Yeah. Even at home. Like I have oh, I mean, the place I'm living now has a pretty big driveway, but when my lease is up, I live in the bus. Right, right. Where I'm gonna park that is maybe a little difficult. Sure. But I mean actually, I feel like you forced the situation on me, and I your driveway is now mine.
SPEAKER_04Okay, sure.
SPEAKER_02But the the one with that I park in now.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. For but for right now, where you live, you can park the bus. You have enough room. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. But like when my lease is up, that's pretty sick though. When my lease is up, I live in the bus. Yeah, you can just you can live. Oh my god. Vino is just choking to death right now. He's over there thinking about Hot Wheels. Dogs love to eat Hot Wheels. Okay, he's alive. We're good. Uh just need to make sure he stays conscious.
SPEAKER_05God damn, dude. Hock it up.
SPEAKER_04That was a good one. What the fuck, dude? Yeah, he fucking ripped that one. You need some fucking water, dude.
SPEAKER_02Um, so anyway, the bus, I think that's the way to go. Um, I also think that this is probably like a good transitionary period where I've I've drank more beers than I have been lately, and I have to pee a lot. Sure. I'm gonna go pee. Yeah. And then we'll hop right back.
SPEAKER_04I'm gonna let I'm gonna let Bino out there so.
SPEAKER_02I figure you probably want to check on your dog too. So yeah. So we'll be right back. Anyways? Bino's fine. Do you say anyway or any ways? Because I know anyway. Anyways is not a word. It's colloquially what's accepted, but anyway is proper. Yes. Do you cause like if if if you were at my house and you were drinking and you had a uh let's say a 15-minute drive.
SPEAKER_05Sure.
SPEAKER_02And you were like, alright, dude, I'm gonna head out, and I'll be like, alright, dude, drive safe. That's not a fucking that's that doesn't no. It's drive safely. Sure. Yeah. Drive safe isn't a thing. True.
SPEAKER_04But I say it because it's colloquially like colloquially accepted. Correct. Yes.
SPEAKER_02We all know that I have tongue issues. It's a big tongue and it pleasures women, but it doesn't make things roll off. Good. Okay?
SPEAKER_04So a little bit of local chef mouth.
SPEAKER_02So is is anyways. Is that fine? Anyways.
SPEAKER_04I mean, people say it, it's fine, but like Is it more important to be right or is it more important to be normal? Speaking of right, you would never write anyways. Right. You should never write the word anyways. I don't do that. It should only be spoken. Just like you would never write drive safe. Right. You would say that because phonetically it doesn't not make sense when you say it. If set it seems fine. But if you wrote it down and you looked at it, you'd be like, no, I gotta put an L Y on that shit.
SPEAKER_02What about texting? Is there a middle ground? I guess. I think out loud is the Wild West. Yeah. Say whatever. Yeah, right, right. Good call. Yeah, yeah. I think handwriting, you gotta lock it down.
SPEAKER_04For sure. Handwriting or typing it in a formal sense. Like if you're writing a story or if you're you know, and and obviously if your characters are from the Midwest, they could say drive safe. They could say anyways.
SPEAKER_02But you gotta be annoying about it and be like, even though I know it's drive safely, I say it drive safe. Maybe, yeah.
SPEAKER_04I mean, if you want to do that, but yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Anyway, I just you know.
SPEAKER_04No, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Your assessment is I think I think text messaging is the middle ground. It is where some stuff is fine because it's like talking out loud, but some stuff is also like I'm typing it out. I might as well it's one extra letter.
SPEAKER_04Certain sense of informality with text for sure. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Anyway. You're right, you're right.
SPEAKER_04You got it.
SPEAKER_02What was the point? Anyways.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, anyways, let's do the next segment. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Fuck you, you piece of shit. That fuck you piece of shit is directed clearly right at me for taking five minutes to talk about fucking phonetic pronunciation versus grammatical correctness.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I I have just a little short quick hitter on fuck you piece of shit today. It happened today. And it's been happening, but it happened most recently today. And today it was completely undeserved, and therefore it pissed me off a lot and enough that I want to bring it in. So we have a a new-ish salesperson at my job. We'll call her Abby.
SPEAKER_02Now, I have to ask you this because I have somewhat recently met some of your coworkers. Is this the not the chick that was here? No. Okay. No, you did not meet this chick. She was cute, but had kids, so I was like, you're out.
SPEAKER_04Well, this chick. Well, we're we're calling exotic looking. This is much like Gail in that her name is not too far off from this, but it's not her actual name. Thus Lee, I can get away with saying whatever I want.
SPEAKER_02Other than your mom and dad, I don't remember the name of a single person that was at the thing that I'm talking about.
SPEAKER_04Well, yeah, that's fine. I mean, you know. Uh you probably won't see them until the next one.
SPEAKER_02There was a there was a Michelle or Rachel.
SPEAKER_04I don't I don't think there were old and had back problems. Uh it's close, but not quite. It's actually if you put both of those names together, it does make her name.
SPEAKER_02But that I think that illustrates my point.
SPEAKER_04It does.
SPEAKER_02It absolutely remembered perfectly that illustrates your point.
SPEAKER_04Uh, so we have a new sales lady named Abby. And okay, yesterday morning.
SPEAKER_02Is she hot?
SPEAKER_04No, uh no. She's older. And I she okay, so if you caught her in 1997, it's possible. It's it's pretty possible. I mean, actually, there's a there's a decent chance that we would say that in 1997.
SPEAKER_02I want to point out this is important. In 1997, yeah, I was six years old.
SPEAKER_04And I was seven. That's what I'm saying. What I'm getting at is she's older than us. Okay. She's probably not that much older than us, so it's probably more like 2002. It's probably a little closer. Okay. Anyway, regardless. Maybe at a at one time, regardless, but no longer. That is another example of the same thing as anyway, by the way. Sorry, dude. My the fact that I'm a journalism major and I wrote a lot for four years of my life comes out every so often. Oh, it's so fun to meet you. And that's one of those times. You know, I did that on purpose. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you know why I did it. What's hilarious is this show has eliminated so much of that formality from my brain and my existence, but still there's a few that get me, dude.
SPEAKER_02Oh, dude, it's one of the ones I won't say out loud. I'll say anyways, till the cows come home. Irregardless is never been a word ever.
SPEAKER_04Dude, there's a few of them. I can't think of them right now. Maybe this could be a fun segment for in a week or two. Oh, maybe that's a top five. Where I, yeah, okay, sure. Where I come up with the words that annoy me the most.
SPEAKER_02I think that's a that is a Jake top five of the never heard.
SPEAKER_04Dude, irregardless is up there. It's literally in the AP style book. It says this word should never be used. It says use regardless. It literally just says that. It says, irregardless, instead, use regardless. That's the entire entry in the in my AP style book from 10 years ago. Anyway.
SPEAKER_02I can't wait for the the Jake News top five words that aren't fucking words, don't say them book. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Well, basically, yeah, just grammatic errors that people make all the fucking time, and they're really annoying to me. Yes. So yesterday morning, Abby comes in to ask if something is done. It's a set, a set of vinyl uh decals that we were supposed to have done, as it turns out. My boss knew about it. He should have gotten it done. Something else came up and he didn't have them done. So she leaves after he's like, Oh, we're working on them right now. Because we were. They were being printed, but they were not done, right? So he goes, Oh, we're working on them. Sorry. You know, we're we're working on them. They'll be done soon. She leaves. After she's told this, she leaves. 30 seconds later, not even 30 seconds, Gail calls my boss on the fucking radio to ask him about the this very job, these very decals that she was just informed we are working on. Right? Annoying. Tell me how fucking that is top-tier annoying. You just narked. Like you literally just narked on us. Like, yeah, this was an honest mistake that we made, or that my boss made. I didn't, I didn't know about it. So it was my boss. Uh, my boss made an honest mistake. And if you'll remember, guys, I was bitching about this man's very existence just a few weeks ago, and now I'm defending him. That should tell you how far over the line this bitch stepped right in the in the story I'm telling you right now. And there's not much more to it, but god damn it. So I gotta get my anger up because I'm reading on, and god damn it. So it gets worse, dude. It gets way worse. Okay. So, or it gets it gets way worse in okay, okay. So then Gail calls on the radio and asks about these very things. So my boss tells him the exact thing he just told her. And he goes, We're working on them right now. They'll be they'll be done this morning, they'll be done in in an hour or two.
SPEAKER_02If I was your boss, because like I'm assuming this is all common. Like, this is like she asked Gail, he heard it. Gail goes, Hey, and then is this all podcast?
SPEAKER_04No, Gail is in his office, out of earshot of her coming in there to our room.
SPEAKER_02No, no, I mean, did did your boss hear her ask Gail?
SPEAKER_04No. No, okay, she just left, and then 30 seconds later, Gail hits us on the radio about that job.
SPEAKER_02I thought she radioed over the same frequency Hey Gail, what about this job?
SPEAKER_04She personally went into Gail's office and bitched.
SPEAKER_02Because if I were if if that were the case and I was your boss and I heard that, I would be like, well, like I just told her 30 seconds ago, it's in the fucking printer, and we're working on it.
SPEAKER_04My boss should have done that, and the next time he will do that. Okay. Because I'm now he knows the because I'm going to ask him what her MO is. I'm going to say, if that happens, I'm going to say, hey, tell him she was just in here. That's what I'm going to say, really loud. So that he hears it, so that Gail hears it through the fucking wall before he hears it, hears my boss say it over the radio. Yeah. Uh, because that's how much this shit lights me up, dude. Also, for a little more context, three weeks ago, we had another job. And mind you, I said vinyl decals. This is like a hundred dollars of business. We have jobs that are a hundred thousand dollars of business. We not right now, but we have had them not that long ago. We had a job that was in and of itself one shipment, a hundred thousand bucks. This is small for eyes, dude. This is nothing. This is busy work, exactly. So, you know, great salesmanship, bitch. Right, exactly. So, three weeks ago, this same thing happened. Except in that case, she didn't do her job right to click all the right boxes in the computer system so that we knew about it. We didn't know about it, and we had to scramble to get this done. And she did the same thing. She came in there and was like, Oh, what about these? And my boss was like, Uh, I don't know anything about that. And she was like, Well, it's blah, blah, blah, telling him the number. He goes to that number and he's like, We're not scheduled for this. We need to be scheduled for these if we're supposed to do stuff on them. And so she still went and bitched. And still over the radio, Gail says, Hey, what about these, this thing? And I can't, it's too specific, the thing that we worked on. So I don't want to dox. I'm following the logic. So, just for the listener, I can't tell you exactly what it was because it is very highly specific. And uh, she he's she's like, she tells Gail radios, because we she leaves the office in just about the amount of time it would take to walk to Gail's office and be like, hey, they're not doing this and they need to be doing this. And then the radio pops, you know what I mean? The radio squawks. So, like, we know this is what's happening. This happened. So she has now a history of this. So back then, and it was 100% her fault that we hadn't done our part of it yet because she didn't click the box. So we fucking told her boss, hey, she's coming in here bothering us about this shit, and she narked on us about a thing that was her fault. So her boss told her back then, supposedly, hey, don't do that. Email, use the email. Yeah, email him and say, Hey, have you started on this? Email him maybe the day before the shit's due so that he has some time to scramble and get it done. I don't know. She he she was told that you're not doing this right, and you're like people are pissed off at you because you're not doing this right. So, fast forward three weeks, she does that shit yesterday. I sprang into fucking overdrive and I got that shit done in like an hour. Like as soon as it came off the printer, I grabbed the thing that I was stacking it onto. I went out there in the fucking shop in our little area of the shop and I got it done real quick so that we're not hearing about this again. I got it done immediately. We've sent it out.
SPEAKER_02So my ass would have hand delivered that to her. I would have set it on her desk and been like, here you go.
SPEAKER_04We're going above and beyond, right? To to get this done because we've been bitched at and because it was genuinely our fault, our department's fault. Right. So out this time.
SPEAKER_02So I was like, I was going back to the didn't check the box shit. Right. No, no, no.
SPEAKER_04It was her fault I would have been like because she got bitched at, she came back into our room and was like, guys, you did such a great job, was trying to kiss our ass because she knew she fucked up and she was told as much, right? Three weeks later, she does exactly the same thing. She comes and bothers us. This time she's actually a little in the right, and in that we should have already had it done and we didn't. And then she goes and narcs to us up to Gail. Again, what she's trying to do is create a pattern where Gail thinks we suck. You know what I mean? That's clearly what's going on. She's trying to turn him against us. Clearly. My boss later goes back and goes into Gail's office and he's like, Hey, I'm sorry about those decals. I was working on this. He had another job in the back of, you know, he had another job that he did genuinely work on, but he was like, I'm gonna use that because that's worth way more money than these tiny little decals. Right. And so he goes in there, he said, I'm sorry, I've been working on blah, blah, blah all day yesterday.
SPEAKER_02Focusing on the hundred thousand dollar jobs, not the hundred dollar. Exactly. Sorry.
SPEAKER_04He does that. Gail is like, I don't I didn't give a fuck about those decals, honestly. So it's cool, it's fine.
SPEAKER_02But then he's he's playing office pussy politics again.
SPEAKER_04Exactly.
SPEAKER_02He wants to fuck this this broad.
SPEAKER_04Well, I mean, in in an ideal world, yes, but he's about to retire, so you know. Anyway, so I've said so way too much, anyway. So uh so anyway, uh, so then today, fast forward to today, and this is what I'm really fucking pissed about, Tyler. Oh, okay. Today, me and my boss, we're working on we've we've been getting along better. It's it's touch and go. But today we got along swimmingly. And today we had this fucking van that is her job, and we're like the van's out in the parking lot. We need to get that done today. We don't want to be hearing about this. So we're we'll we'll uh maliciously comply and we'll get her shit done and we'll put it before everything else. And then when we're asked why, we have an answer. So that's what we did. We maliciously complied, and he and I, because our vinyl department, the people who would usually stick the vinyl on this van, they've been going through a lot of shit. There's been like people that have been off for a week because they're sick as a dog. There's some shit happening. So we're we're also kind of stepping up, you know? So we go out, we do what is not our job, and we fucking decal this van and we stick it, me and my boss, and we tag team this motherfucker right right after lunch. We're out there in the fucking blazing ass heat, out in uh ostensibly what's a garage. It's called the truck barn, but it's a fucking garage. No AC, nothing, not even a fucking fan blowing. And we're out there in 93 degree weather, fucking sticking this thing.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's been hot lately, huh?
SPEAKER_04And we're sticking this thing. And also, sticking vinyl in 93 degree humid ass weather makes it difficult, makes it more difficult, but we did it, and we did it right. We didn't fuck up a single thing. There was not a single thing about what we did today that uh uh uh uh where we winced or were like, ooh, hopefully nobody sees that. Nothing. It went swimmingly, right? We go out there and we start sticking the shit on the van. This bitch comes out there. We go out there at, let's say, 115. At 130, we've already stuck the first two of five pieces that were sticking on this thing. We've already stuck those two. She comes out, she sees what we're doing. She walks her ass back up front. We didn't say a word to her. She said a couple of couple of things to us. We we were basically like uh like making caveman noises to get her the fucking gone. We don't want her out there. So she goes back up to the front. 30 minutes later, not 30 seconds, it wasn't immediate, it wasn't like she went straight in there, but 30 minutes go by. We're still out there, we're still working, we are almost done. We got this shit done so fucking fast. Faster than I'm I'm saying faster than the combination of any other two people that are not us. We got this shit done. We fucking knocked it out, right? And we were like hollering back and forth to each other, giving each other pointers as we went. He's not even a decal guy at all. Like that's never been his position. But he was like, hey, what about this? And I was like, oh man, that's clever. Good, good thinking. And like we went back and forth. It was fucking great. And 30 minutes, we are almost done, Tyler. Fucking Gail squawks at us on the radio about the fucking van that we're working on that this dumb fucking bitch saw we were working on it. Gail calls us about the fucking van. And he's like, uh, how's the van going? Which is annoying. It it would be annoying on its face alone if it was just him calling us out of the fucking blue. But we know why he's calling us. We know she stopped in and said something. And that's why he's calling us. So Gail hits us on the radio. My boss says, We're almost done. We're knocking it out. We're almost done. And then five minutes later, she's out there again telling us good job and everything. Cause we're done. Cause we're done. Cause she doesn't have faith in us to do this and get it done. But we fucking got it done. And she so my my here's my last little thing about it. She's speaking out of both sides of her mouth. Yeah. If we're doing such a good job, why the fuck are you talking to Gail about it? You fucking dumb cunt. Stop telling on us. Stop giving him the idea that we're fucking up. Like, that's the thing. Here's the thing. When Gail gets on the radio and he's like, the fucking GM hears that every fucking time. And he deals with our money. He is how we get raises. So you're fucking with my fucking pockets, you dumb cunt. That's what I'm mad about. That's why I'm mad. Like, why are you making it look like we're fucking slacking, you dumb cunt? No, you're slacking. You're not even clicking the right fucking buttons on the easiest fucking Microsoft access thing I've ever seen in my life. Fuck you. Eat a dick, die in a fire, fucking drive your car into anything harder than it and die. Fuck you. I'm sweating. I hate this cunt. I want to smash her into a glass fucking anything that will cut her a million times. I fucking hate this cunt. She makes me s it makes me so mad because it's like a jar. I uh exactly, dude. I would smash a million jars over her fucking head all day, every day. All day. This fucking cunt, I hate her. Anyway, I'm gonna stop. But last thing, like the thing about it is like, dude, you're like, it would be bad enough if you were out there annoying us, if you were coming and checking on your jobs all the time. But there is a human element of my commission is connected to these jobs. I I get a better commission if my customers are happy and if they get their shit as soon as possible, they're happy, and I get a better commission. Whatever. That all is fully logical. And I understand why you, even though it's annoying, I understand why you're checking on your jobs. That part's understandable. Narking on us and having our shared boss uh fucking ask about jobs over the radio so that the entire company hears it and it sounds like we're fucking up. That part means you need to be drowned. And I hope that I hope that shit goes wrong for you. And I hope that your life is worse. Every time you do that, I hope like some chemical that you need in your brain you were fucking deprived of forever. I don't know. I just need something bad to happen to you because you're creating bad things for other people. Cervical cancer. And you need to die. Yes, anything. I like any disease. I want it. I want it to happen to you. Right. Fuck you, you piece of shit cunt. I'm so glad I tapped back into that, though. I was that mad earlier, and I'm so glad I found it again. Yeah. Because it's perfect for the segment. Anyway, right, the floor is yours. I'm sorry I took a little more time than I meant, but fuck the cunt. Abby, you piece of shit.
SPEAKER_02All right. Cool, cool, cool. All right.
SPEAKER_04Smoke a cig about it.
SPEAKER_02Well, all right. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna come to her defense.
SPEAKER_04Just kidding. I, dude, like I tried to give her as much charity as I could with the whole, like, I understand you're a salesman and that's your fucking money, but you're fucking with my money.
SPEAKER_02No, so she needs to be hazed, like hard.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Like, y'all, y'all gotta come up with something to really fucking like hammer your point home in a way that is like too mean. Like what most people would look at and go, like, bro, that was too far. You gotta do that because it needs to be a lesson that sticks permanently. Yeah. I don't know what that is, I don't know what that looks like, but I know I know that how I would have handled the situation if I were your boss, because I'm the boss of my department. And I know that I've told you how I handle situations that come off similar to this, like when a lady at work, let's just let's just say it's a a similar scenario where she's like, she's the salesman, I'm the I'm uh Fenton in this situation, and you are you, but you are actually uh the guy that works under me. And she came to him about a thing. And he came to me and was like, hey, Abby's asking about blah blah blah. And I was like, here's how I handle the situation. Don't fucking answer her. Anytime she ever comes to you about anything, don't give her an answer and come tell me immediately. And then I went to Abby and I said, Hey, I would appreciate if you would let me run my department and not come over here and try to tell my people what to do or question them about shit, because I've got all of my stuff under control a hundred percent. And all of my shit will be done when it's supposed to. So if you have a fucking question about when X, Y, and Z are gonna be done, come directly to me and I will tell you do not fucking go to my people and tell them what they need to be doing, right? When they need to be doing it, and what their deadline is, because that's my fucking job. Right. So do not fucking talk to my people again like that. Jake doesn't run my department. I do. You know, that's my mentality. Yeah. So the first time I hear from Gail about Abby says that you guys aren't fucking doing your shit on time, I'm like, you, Gail, and Abby and I are going to have a conversation right now. And that conversation is do not come out here, do not fuck with my process, do not talk to my fucking people, don't ask questions. When there's a problem, the problem is shit's late. If the shit's not late, I don't want to see your fucking face. I don't want to hear your fucking name. Truly. About a deadline or about a job that needs to be completed. Don't fucking talk to my people. Don't fucking question us. We have our shit under control until we don't. And when we don't is when you come talk to me. Right. Period. Hell yeah. Get the fuck away from us, let us do our job, and quit creating an environment where it's more difficult to do so. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Because if you continue to do so, I swear to fucking God, your life is going to get way worse. That's how I handle those situations. And my point is that Fenton is not a good leader. Because if he was a good leader, that's how those hand those situations are handled, especially in a fucking environment as toxic and masculine as your environment. My environment is not that way, and I still handle shit like that. Yeah. I'm even more, I'm putting myself even more out on the fucking limb to do that shit in the environment that I'm in ran by a bunch of fucking girls. Yeah. If I'm around that many fucking dudes, especially fucking conservatives, I'm saying bitch to her face.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. I I would say, I would say he's a good leader when the chips are down and when it's absolutely like crunch.
SPEAKER_02He's an adequate maybe leader when the chips are down.
SPEAKER_04But when, but when like just but he turns mountains into molehills a lot just day to day.
SPEAKER_02There's a difference between an adequate leader when the the the call of duty comes and there and then there's a fucking rock solid, I will follow that dude into war. I'm telling you right now, the people that work for me would follow me into war. You will not follow into war.
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_02Sorry, I said his name. Fuck. Fuck. Alright, I gotta send that to you. That's uh hour 15. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wouldn't follow that dude into war. Yeah. I would follow my boss into war because she's that bitch. Yeah. My people would follow me into war because I'm that nigga.
SPEAKER_04Anyway. Alright. You do yours. We got we got a few minutes. Let's do it.
SPEAKER_02I don't wanna. You don't wanna? I'm just kidding. I'll do my thing. So listen. This shit is is is it's just it's fucking stupid, dumb, gay bullshit. Can you say 1017? That's fine. Just go. Okay. We're good. So uh I'm gonna I'm gonna try to truncate this bullshit as much as I possibly can. We have a very large building. Yes. That is our our corporate headquarters. We moved into this building uh like the summer of last year. Uh I want to say. About a year ago, a little over. Something like that. Yeah. And uh we have our our our our biggest technology vendor that we use. And when I say technology vendor, I mean like it's a lot of stuff that I can't just pick up off a shelf and plug in. Right. It's it's security systems, it's badge access. So like you can scan a fucking thing and you get in, it opens the door rather than lock and key. It's you know, like large-scale industrial commercial level shit that I can't just buy it and install it myself. We have to it it's unreasonable to expect that, right?
SPEAKER_05It's the whole thing.
SPEAKER_02So we have this vendor, they installed practically all of our that level shit in this building, one of those things being our security and fire protection bullshit, right?
SPEAKER_05Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02So the fire protection bullshit has been a fucking pain point since Jump Street. Right. It kept going off erroneously and shit. Yes, it has been a major fucking issue. And um, one of the biggest issues, I think it's difficult to explain to you guys, but I will do my the the best job I can to not dumb it down, but explain it in a way that is like base level understanding, right? Right. So imagine you have a smoke detector. There are basically three states that a smoke detector can be in. And this is the best example of it because a smoke detector can be perfectly fine. You don't even know it's there. Right. Right? Then a smoke detector, for the analogy, can have a low battery. And what does a smoke detector do? Jake, when it has a low battery, chirps. As the blacks have known for years, African ceiling birds chirp.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02The third state would be that the smoke detector detects smoke. Correct. The alarm state, if you will. Right. So we have rooftop HVAC units. Right. These HVAC units have something inside of them called duct detectors. For all intents and purposes, for all intents and purposes, yes. They're just smoke detectors. True. And they have three states. Makes sense. We've established those three states. Yeah. Now, if you're thinking logically, of those three states, which ones do you think should alert the fire department that there needs to that the fire part fire department needs to come and deal with it? Just number three. Just the third one, right? So this technology vendor, while there are a lot of people that work there, and of a lot of those people that work there, I have close relationships with a lot of them. Yeah. But not all of them. There are there are some bad apples in every bunch. True. And there are people that work there that I do not like. Okay. But the vast majority I like a lot. Okay. I've got friendships with people that no longer work there. Oh. That I'm still fucking friends with. Yeah. Because I've we've worked with them for so long. I've gotten to know, especially the technicians. You know, I have there's a soft spot in my heart for all the low-level people. And the people that are out there doing the day-to-day shit are the people that I'm yucking it up with. I'm having pizza lunches with and shit. And those people are the ones that I I connect with the most. Okay. Then there's the next level. And the next level is where shit gets dicey because the bottom and the top are where I that's where my bread is buttered. I love the fucking low-level guys. A lot of the high-level guys, they're similar to me, where they're like, I was a low-level guy, now I'm a high-level guy, so I can talk, like I can say fuck and shit and retard, and we can have a conversation because we've both we've been at the top and the bottom. Right. The people in the middle have kind of just always been at the middle, and they're kind of fucking worthless. Alright. So, with all that established, there's a guy who no longer works there that lived at the middle for his whole life. And his name was Warren. And Warren is a fucking pussy, a fucking crybaby, piece of shit, loser, douchebag. And I tried to connect with Warren on a low-level level, but Warren loved the smell of his own fucking farts and shits. And Warren thinks he fucking knows everything and refuses to listen to anyone down here or up here. Warren is a middle guy who's trapped in the middle who thinks he's a high-level guy.
SPEAKER_05Okay.
SPEAKER_02Warren is the one who was responsible for installing our fire system. Ah. Warren is a fucking faggot. I hate Warren. Okay? I've always hated Warren. I will never like Warren again. So when we acquired this building, there was a bunch of bullshit. Bullshit stacked beyond any imaginable amount of bullshit that anyone should have to fucking deal with. One of the layers of bullshit was that we had rooftop HVAC units installed and a fire system installed. Yeah. When an HVA system catches fire, we have to know that. And usually people like at Warren's level, when they're used, they've never, they've he's never done a job this big. This building is fucking enormous. They've never had a job this big.
SPEAKER_05Right.
SPEAKER_02What he's used to is a building with like one or two rooftop units. Right. And when that happens, they install the unit. They come back after the unit's installed and they install these duct detectors, which are basically just smoke detectors in the ducts. They sold the duct detectors to us. He knows how they work. He knows what brand, what model number, yada yada. We have 60 fucking rooftop units, dude. It's we have a bunch. Yeah. They came from the these things are very expensive. Yeah. And very big. Yeah. They came from the factory with duct detectors installed in the units already. They just came with them. And Warren wasn't used to that. So Warren refused to program them correctly. So from Jump Street, these duct detectors have been installed incorrectly. They were programmed incorrectly. The way that they were programmed is when they chirp, they call the fire department. That is the easiest way to explain this. Sure. From the fucking first time the fire department arrived, and I found out that they arrived because there was a chirp. I said, guys, we need to fucking fix this. Because I cannot have the fire department coming all the time because of chirps. Right. They'd send Warren out. Warren would say, Well, yeah, it's set up that way. And I would be like, Can you fix it? And he would be like, Well, you know, they came from the factory like that, and that's not really what we do. And, you know, they refuse to let us use our duct detectors. So a bunch of fucking bullshit. I had this conversation like five or six times because five or six times in that time span, the fire department arrived over chirps. Cut to now. This company has sold off their fire shit. Warren is gone. They sold this whole portion of their business off to another company. Okay. This other company has now taken over. And those guys, this is all they do. Oh. All they do is fire shit. Nice. They know it better than anyone. This is all they do. So we have a chirp. Fire department comes out. It's 4 21 p.m. I'm sitting at home. I've already got my pants off and a beer in my hand. Right. I don't want to fucking work anymore. I'm done. Right. So I get a call from a big wig who's like, a church, the fire department's here. Uh, they don't that dude, everything about this pissed me off so bad. First of all, the fire department comes. They don't even look at the fire panel. The fire panel tells you what sensor is going off. If you're in a building that big and say there's a smoke detector in conference room B. If you look at that fucking fire panel and it says conference room B, you go to conference room B and you look and there's no fire. The building's cleared. What did these fucking mongoloid retard overpaid cocksuckers do? Walked around the entire fucking building. Did not look at the fire panel at all. Walked every square foot of the fucking building. So then I get a call from a big wig, and the big wig's like, hey, so could you like look at the camera system and check and see if there's a fire anywhere? And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Well, the fire alarm's going off. And I'm like, okay, well, did the fire department show up? Yeah. Okay. Did they look at the fire panel? I don't know. Did you look at the fire panel? Oh, no, I guess I'll go do that now. Okay. I looked at the fire panel. It says rooftop unit 3.6. And I go, okay. Does the fire department know that the alarm that's going off is for rooftop unit 3.6? I don't know. They didn't really look at the panel. Okay, I'll call you back. I hang up and I sit there and I fucking do this. Yeah. I'm like, these people, these firefighters, they make six figures sometimes. And you know, this terminology is is so commonplace in this scale. You know, I'm sure I'm so positive. There's like three or four of them there, and at least one of them has been in a commercial building, at least somewhat close to the scale. And they know that the fucking acronym RTU stands for rooftop unit. And they know that that means that there's a fucking H VAC unit on the roof. Surely, surely somebody knows. No. No. So I spend 20 minutes satisfying the fucking whims of a fucking retarded bitch that doesn't know anything. And I go through all the camera views and I'm like, oh, it turns out there's no fire. Okay. Can you turn the alarm off? And I said, well, you know, um, typically when um when the fire department shows up, they go to the fire panel and they press the button on the panel that says acknowledge that acknowledges that the alarm is happening and that I am aware. And that that turns it off. Did they do that? No. Oh, okay. Well, um Do you think maybe you could do that? Where's the fire panel?
SPEAKER_01We said training every safety guy. Can I ask you a question? Why didn't you call me? Okay, because I'm the guy that everybody calls all the time with all their problems, but nobody likes anyway. Okay, so um there's four of them. You're telling me you can't you don't know where any of them are? Oh okay. So go through this door. Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_02Yep. That that big red thing on the wall. That's the fire panel! The big red thing on the fucking wall that is beeping that has a screen.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. That's the fire panel. Okay. So press the acknowledge button.
SPEAKER_02Oh, it stopped. Oh, that's cool. Okay. I'm gonna I'm gonna go back to my life now. I'm gonna hang up. Cause I don't give a fuck anymore. You've acknowledged it, it's fine. Okay, bye. And then I get a fucking call from the CEO. And she's like, this is all fucked up. And I'm like, preach. You're telling me. She's like, well, nobody knows what to do. And I'm like, that's not my fucking job. That's not my problem. What does this have to do with me? Can I remind you all? I'm the computer guy. Why are you talking to me about fire? Yeah. What the fuck do I have to do with this? Call the fire company. Call the fire company or the state the director of safety that you hired that makes just as much as me, whose whole fucking job is safety, who fucking hosts and schedules meetings every month about safety, and who just fucking did a fire drill last week. Why am I the guy who has now been interrupted from enjoying my time off of work three times?
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Well, he's not here. Neither am I. God damn, that's annoying. But he lives in Henderson. I don't care. That he lives 15 minutes away, and I live seven minutes away. Why does that all of a sudden supersede whose job is what? Right. I don't know why I'm being bothered by this. It's not my job. My job is to make sure it works. The fact that the fucking thing went off, it's not working the way it should, but it works.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_02My job's done. It's over.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Making it work right is the fire company.
SPEAKER_02It's on. It went off. My job's done. That's all there is to it. So I I fucking I sit on the phone with the CEO and I'm like, I don't I don't know what you want me to do, Hillary Clinton. I don't know what you want me to do. What do you want? What do you want me to do? And she's like, well, nobody here knows what to do. And I'm like. Because you're all retarded. Call the fire company. Yeah. We don't have their number. Okay. Okay, bye. And I hung up on her. And I sat there and I was like, I'm gonna kill myself. So I call the guy that I know was in charge of the guy that installed the system. And I say, hey, Brandon. I know, I know, you're at home too. Yep, me, yeah, me too, bud. So listen, here's the situation. I know you guys sold off. You're part of this business, but because this isn't my fucking job, I don't know who those people are per se. It's the safety guy's job, but I'll deal with it. Can you give me the number of the guy? And he says, sure. So I get the number and I call the guy. And the guy picks up and he's like, What's up? And I'm like, here's the situation. And he's like, Well, I just got home. And I was like, no doubt, no doubt. Yeah, yeah, me too. Um, also, my pants are off as well. He's like, Well, I just I just me and my wife just poured a glass of wine. I was like, hey. Yeah, I'm two beers deep, motherfucker. So I want to like you in this situation. I want you to, I want to relate with you and I want to feel what you're feeling, but I need you to shut the fuck up about that. I need you to shut the fuck up about that. I was like, I need you to tell me what I need to do to to to to fucking resolve this situation enough that I can just go back to living my life. And he was like, well, so there's there's several things you can do, right? One thing you could do if you were an irresponsible psychopath is to put the system into test mode for the rest of the 24-hour period. Uh-huh. And then if a real fire happens, the building will burn down, the the fire department will not show up, people will die, and you will lose your job. Yeah. And I was like, hmm. Let me think about it. Is it worked?
SPEAKER_05I said, How late does the CEO stay in the office?
SPEAKER_02What I said was, um, Gabe, that's your name, right? Gabe? He's like, Yeah. I was like, are you fucking retarded? He was like, Yeah, I figured that probably wasn't the right answer. I was like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, Gabe. That's not what I'm gonna do. Because I'm now responsible for this. He's like, well, I would be. And I was like, yeah, sure. Fuck tard. I said, here's what we're gonna do. They can't get the sensor reset. They're also too stupid to know how to fucking turn the shit off. So the alarm is silenced. The police or the the fire department has come and cleared the building. They've disregarded, they won't come back. Drink your wine. Eat your fucking chicken cutlets. Let me know when you're on your way, and I'll meet you out there and we'll get it figured out. He was like, all right. So I hung up and uh about an hour later, he's like, Alright, I'm on my way. I'm like, cool, cool, cool, cool, me too. So I go out there. It's fucking 6 30 at this point, by the way. I've been off work for two and a half hours. Right. So we go out there, and uh I now have to tell him, I have to direct him where to go. I'm up on the roof with this guy. By the way, I'm in my hey dudes, my basketball shorts, and a tank top, and I'm like, say something to me about it. You know, right? Let me fist fight you, fuckhead. So we go up there, we get on the roof. I'm like, this is the unit. The maintenance guy, by the way, who was responsible for the rooftop units, has come and gone and shut the unit off, but the sensor hasn't reset, so it could potentially alarm again. Do I need to remind you guys that the fire department got called over a fucking chirp? Yeah. Okay. Anyway. So we fuck with it, we get it back, everything's cool. I reset the whole system, everything's back to normal. We're all good. It's fucking 7 30 p.m. All this shit's done. And this is where I left off, and where this is where my story was going to end if I had told this story last week. But if you guys remember, I'd got an email mid-show and I saw it and I couldn't look at it because I was gonna fucking scream and I wanted to have fun. The CEO was like, we need to have a meeting about this. And I was like, Why are you telling me? I don't why are you telling me we need to have a meeting about this? I came in to deal with this situation even though it's not my problem. And she kept thanking me, and I was just like, I wish you wouldn't. You know, I wish you would shut the fuck up about it. I would rather you say nothing than to thank and praise me for coming in after hours to deal with this situation that is not my fucking problem. Right. Anyway. So she tells her assistant to schedule the meeting, which is fucking annoying to me. Like, I'm already mad. Now you're being pretentious. Yeah. So her assistant scheduled the meeting, who I love, by the way. She's amazing. Uh, she schedules the meeting and it's for uh Monday. So I come in on Monday, and all day I'm just like, I don't want to fucking deal with this. And then the maintenance guy keeps coming in my office, and I already hate Mondays. Call me fucking Garfield, dude. Don't like him. He keeps coming in my office, and every time he does, I make a fucking show of it like a woman on her period. What? What's up? You know, like that. Yeah. And he just keeps coming in. He's like, what about and I'm like, dude, I don't know. I don't care. I don't give a fuck. This isn't my job. I don't care. Uh so anyway, the thing I like I forgot to mention, when the dude was out there and it's fucking 7:30 at night, and I'm two beers deep and I'm ready to fucking kill myself. I'm like, so I know that the programming on this thing is wrong. I've asked for it to be fixed. The guy that was supposed to fix it is a cocksucker. He's gone now. So I'm asking you, hoping, praying to God, whom I don't believe in, that you're not a cocksucker. And you can tell me, can you please program this thing so that chirps are no longer treated as fires? And he said, Yeah, we can do that. I was like, okay. In my head, I'm already, I'm already doing, I'm in charge of certain things calculus, and I'm like, I have a number in mind that if the number is over a certain number, I will fist fight the owner of the company that installed this over whether who like who pays for it, right? Because I have documented history of asking for this to be fixed. Yeah. And I swear to fucking god, I will go out in the parking lot and beat the fuck out of this dude if he even questions whether he's gonna pay for it or not.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So that number's in mind already. So I asked him, I was like, okay, reprogramming. They're called supervisories, by the way. Chirps in this situation, they're called supervisories. They're only supposed to alert at the panel and say, hey, hey, hey, just like a chirp. Yeah. Like a, like a, like an African ceiling bird. There's an issue. We have a problem. You need to look at it. Right. And then I go look at it and we reset the sensor, and everything goes back to normal. It didn't detect smoke, it didn't detect fire. Right. You just reset the sensor and it's fine. It's the way it's supposed to be. The only time, hey, hey, by the way, the only time the fucking fire department should show up is if there's a fire. Right. Yeah. Obviously. So he said, yeah, that's like, well, we'll charge you guys like an hour labor. It's like a hundred bucks. I was like, I'll get on my knees and suck your fucking cock right now. He said, We're out, we already have uh scheduled later this month. We're coming out for your quarterly inspection. We'll just knock it out right at the end there. 100 bucks, bing, bang, boom. Y'all good. And I'm like, okay, okay. That makes me feel better. So meeting scheduled Monday. I go in, and this is how I go into this meeting the whole time. Just fucking rolling your eyes. Rolling my eyes, my lips are percent.
SPEAKER_04Well, you're surrounded by people who either have the power to delegate what you have made happen, happen, or should have done it instead of you. Yeah. You're surrounded by people so inept that they either couldn't figure out the delegation situation to delegate it to the right person and they just defaulted to you, or they were the person who should have had it delegated to them and they didn't do that. They didn't do their job. So I can understand why you would be super fucking frustrated.
SPEAKER_02I do my job. I do my job quite well.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02You know what I don't do?
SPEAKER_05Other people's jobs.
SPEAKER_02Other people's fucking jobs. Yeah. So I go into this meeting, and I'm gonna be honest with you guys. I'm gonna keep it a buck with you. I, with no uncertain terms, threw everybody under the bus. Good. And I didn't throw everyone under the bus like conceptually. I said out loud, I'm gonna go ahead and throw this guy under the bus and this guy under the bus. And I'm gonna tell you guys, this is not my fucking job. I said fuck probably six times in this meeting, dude. I was so fucking over it. Yeah. I was like, I'm I'm I'm sick and tired. And and I brought up shit that didn't have anything to do with it. Because I was like, I'm sick and tired of being punished for being the go-to guy who gets shit done. Because I'm gonna like like guys, I have a lot of fucking stuff that I'm responsible for, and I always come through. And I I like that you guys appreciate me for always coming through, and and I don't even mind being counted on when the fucking rubber hits the road and shit hits the fan that people think of me. I think that's great. You know, I think that speaks volumes about my dedication, yada yada. But at the end of the day, I can't get my job done when I spend half my day doing his job and his job. So when it comes to fire, that's safety's job. Love you to death, bro. This is it's not your fault they came to me and not you, but this is your job. So I think that you need to do a better job of communicating that to people and maybe like pointing out that it's not my fucking deal. Second of all, maintenance guy, whom, by the way, if you guys might remember, I've almost come to fisticuffs with. Right. We get along okay now. But I was like, I gotta do it. I gotta do it. Hey man, you numbered shit wrong. Okay? You made up your own numbering system that confuses the fire department. Part of the reason why they didn't fucking know what the fuck they were doing was because the shit that you gave to them is wrong. You refused to listen to the fucking company that installed the HVAC HVAC system, and you made up your own numbering system, and your excuse for that is that you wanted to make it easier for your guys. Listen, dude, whether the number is 3.6 or 29 doesn't fucking matter. When you say, hey, go up on the roof and take care of number 29, it makes more sense to you because you just made it up.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And they're going with whatever you tell them. If you just went with the same numbering system, whatever, blah, blah, blah. Also, by the way, technically, based on fire code, you have to use the same numbers as what the fire panel says, or the fire department doesn't know what they're doing. So, again, not to just chuck you under the bus, bud, but we're breaking fire code. They let it slide because we hit everything else so beautifully that they let it fucking go. But when the fire marshal was here, he made a point to uh uh point it out. Yeah, he addressed it, yeah. But I have good rapport with that guy because I'm charming. Because I can have a conversation with a person and not come across as a fucking asshole like you. And I let him, I got him to let it fucking slide because I didn't want to argue with you because the last time we argued, I called you a cocksucker, almost punched you in the face, and I got rode up for it. Okay? So now that we're in a meeting with the CEO and I'm being fucking brought to task over this shit that has nothing to do with me, I'm gonna point out your bullshit too. So anyway, yeah. By the end of my rant, everyone was like, Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Who would have thought? The fat, smart guy with the big long gay hair knows what the fuck he's talking about. And everything.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, the the guy who just doesn't do anything, according to uh his coworkers, by the way. According to one hot cunt. The guy who doesn't do anything, uh sh you know, she heard, uh, is the one that the CEO, top of the top, calls when something that isn't his job, and everyone knows it's not, or she should damn well know it's not his job, well, happens.
SPEAKER_02The problem is, Jake, that as I previously mentioned, you know, the people that have my heart are the people at this level. Yeah. The people at this level are the ones that think I don't do anything. The people up here know how much I bust my ass. Yeah. The people that I have the least amount of respect for are the ones that know I bust my ass. And the ones that overwork me and rely on me to do shit that's not my job, and who know that if they ask me to do stuff that I shouldn't be doing, I will do because I care are the ones that know and the ones that abuse it.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02It's the people down here that I that I work my fingers to the bone sometimes for that I go way above and beyond to make sure that their lives are easier and that their jobs are fine. Yeah. And and argue with people over their pay and shit like that. Those people are the ones that don't respect me. And that's what hurts about it. Yeah, I'm over it. Well, it's backwards. Yeah, yeah. It's all backwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The ones I don't give a fuck about are the ones that abuse the privilege of having somebody like me who's this dedicated, and the people that I bust my fucking ass for are the ones that, you know. Yeah. It's it's just uh, you know, it's a sad story that we could fucking sit here and cry about all day, but I have bigger fish to fry.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. Well, that sucks, but I'm glad it's about to be fixed anyway.
SPEAKER_02The fire system will be fixed very shortly, and all you know, they kept bringing up like, well, what about this? Well, what about this? What about this? And I'm like, every question you have will be resolved within the next 20 days. We've been in this building for over a year, and I'm telling you right now, every single time that they're like, well, this happened so many times, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, once this programming change is made, you're never gonna think about it again. Because every single time this has happened, it's been because of this one issue. Chirps should not call the fire department. Chirps will be programmed properly, from now on, the only time the fire department will come is if there's a fire, if the sprinkler system goes off, or if somebody pulls a fucking, you know, Bart Simpson. Right. If somebody pulls the pole station that says there's a fire, the fire department will come. If the if fire hits the sprinkler system and the little mercury tube explodes and and the water goes off, the fire department will come. And if smoke andor fire are detected, the fire department will come. This fucking idiot, by the way, this dumb bitch, this gay maintenance dude goes, Well, in some systems, when smoke is detected, it just shuts the unit down and the fire department doesn't come. And I said, Well, I mean, not to split hairs or anything, bud, but if smoke's detected, I've heard the phrase where there's smoke, there's fire. And are you gonna fucking put the fire out? Oh man. Yeah, that it tickled me in the moment. I was like, oh, like I I as soon as it came out of his mouth, I was like, I know what I'm gonna say. And it's gonna embarrass the shit out of him.
SPEAKER_04Well, like, why would you say that? Like, in some system, yeah, but in the in in our new year-old state-of-the-art system, that's not gonna be the case, you folks.
SPEAKER_02In our 250,000 square foot millions and millions of dollars poured into building, yeah, we're not gonna take the chance on the smoke is detected and the unit just shuts down. That's fucking stupid. Why would that be the case? You got a bad back, motherfucker. You're gonna crawl up on the fucking roof with a fire extinguisher and put that shit out before people are smoked out. There's it, we're in a a big, like, so we're 250,000 square foot of a 1 million square foot complex. Yeah. And a fucking HC HVAC unit caught fire last year above the bar.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And it fucking caused a lot of problems.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So are we just gonna roll the dice on that? Because it caused problems for us too. Like we had damage due to that. Yeah. So yeah, well, the unit will just shut down. Shut the fuck up, idiot. The fuck are you talking about? Are you gonna crawl up there and put the fire out, dummy? Anyway. It was like he wanted to throw the baby out with the bathwater. It's like, we'll just make it so that the chirps don't call the cops.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02It's that easy, man. Whatever. Oh my god. That was it was a fucking torrential downpour of bullshit. But it's over. It's all good.
SPEAKER_05Same, same with my day. Alright.
SPEAKER_00Yep.
SPEAKER_05I'm officially fucked. I'm tuckered out. I'm fucked. I'm shitted. I'm cumbed? Farted. I'm yeah, I'm cumbed. You shitted in you. I'm puked it.
SPEAKER_02I farted it, I shitted it, I photo up.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_04I'm still doing video games on the page. Uh if you want, you can preview my uh uh YouTube content. I made a prototype of my what will be like YouTube shorts with Tony Hawk's Pro Skater content. If you want to go to the Patreon, I think I made that available to uh one dollar people.
SPEAKER_06I hope so. Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_04So yeah, uh give us a dollar, you can see that as well as all my well, no, not all of it. You gotta give us five for all of my video game shit. But uh a dollar, you get an extra episode, ten dollars you get an extra episode that's like just us like cutting up and talking about random shit. Hey Jake. And then you get the five dollars of me playing video games, and you also get a ten dollar episode that's usually really fucking long and about us doing a lot of random shit.
SPEAKER_02Why don't you let me do the sales pitch? Sure. Hey guys, we got a Patreon. If you want to give us a dollar, you get an extra fucking episode every week that's similar to the main show, but you know, a little bit more goofy. If you want to give us $10, you get super deep detailed bullshit like fucking our sex lives, our fucking the sad shit that we go through, the times that we want to blow our brains out. 10 bucks for that, plus the shit you get at the $1 tier. If you're a sadomasochist, if you like to abuse yourself, five dollars a month, get to watch Jake play video games. Yeah, dude. Plus the one dollar shit. You get how it works. You understand how tiered systems work. Yeah, you're smart. Yeah, you pay us money already. We're pitching the thing to people that are already doing it.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I didn't say it that much worse. I think I nailed it.
SPEAKER_02You did. Patreon.com slash fartmouth. Fartmouth.com, click the Patreon button, or fucking don't! It's fine. Either way, we still love you. You're still valid. But come to the fart party. It's gonna be really fun. Oh yeah. Do drugs with us, get get drunk. Have fun. If you haven't played one of these in a while, I'll do it. Uh oh. Uh oh. All the songs are broken? How is that a thing?
SPEAKER_05Yeah, I guess.
SPEAKER_02How's this one? Sign up for a Patreon. Find out how we gave your mom whatever, just do it. It's fine. Or don't I don't care.