Fartmouth
The most raunchy, stupid, and irreverent comedy podcast on the internet. The podcast equivilent of getting a lobotomy.
Fartmouth
323 - Riverside Rat Kings
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Thank you for downloading the most OFF THE RAILS AT THE END episode of Fartmouth ever recorded!
JOIN THE DISCORD: https://discord.gg/EQ3BWYT3hv
This week's show features...
- Would You Rather
- Jake's Top 5
- F*ck You, You Piece of Sh*t
You're gonna put that at the beginning. We just accidentally recorded a minute of us talking shit about somebody we know in real life. And uh we're not gonna leave it in because that would be mean. Right? So that's our cold open. Enjoy fuck faces. Jesus.
SPEAKER_02We're doing a live podcast at Freedom 250 Festival of Washington East.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, pulled it together at the end. Sorta, yeah. Well, yeah Did you get the joke though? Everybody dropped out, so they asked us to do it. Oh, cuz uh Yeah, because Brett Michaels and Millie Vanilli and everybody else dropped out.
SPEAKER_03All those old people that didn't need to be doing anything.
SPEAKER_00All of the all of the artists who are selling out stadiums currently, you know? But they're not. That was a joke. I uh vanilla ice. Yeah, vanilla ice. Sticking with it. He said he he plans on still doing the event, except that it's just gonna be a MAGA rally now. So which I think he's MAGA anyway.
SPEAKER_03Did you see that uh the dude from CNC Music Factory record the video from the toilet? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, I'll pull my dick out in front of Donald Trump. This dude's crazy. That's great, dude. Uh anyway, welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast, a show whose host recently went uh went out drinking and said the N-word around a bunch of people. Now I finally know what they mean by black out drunk. Slipped into the dark side. Whatever. Every week we do a few rotating segments and make each other laugh. I'm Tyler. I'm Jake. That was a me joke, dude.
SPEAKER_00That was that's like something I would, like a pun I would come up with.
SPEAKER_03Well, I came up with it while you were taking a shit earlier. I had a different joke. But what I came up with a new one and I liked it, so I did it. Fuck you guys.
SPEAKER_00All I'm gonna say is you know your right wing festival is kaput when, and I used a Jewish word on purpose, but uh, you know it's kaput when Martina McBride drops out. Oi, vey. When the bitch that sang Independence Day is like, nah, I'm good. I'm good on your patriotism festival. Yeah. Thanks.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I don't know, dude. I don't care about anything.
SPEAKER_00Independence day is about a chick who got abused or whatever. It's actually not about independence.
SPEAKER_03No, I'm pretty sure that's Earl Had to Die by the Dixie Chicks.
SPEAKER_00That one is too.
SPEAKER_03Who is also not gonna be doing that? That's best that uh rally ever. They weren't even asked, actually. Yeah, it's weird. Um, anyway, we got segments. We're gonna do Would You Rather So Jake had to remind me of this last night, but uh, I guess a couple of weeks ago we decided to do another kind of like minor switch up on uh the Would You Rathers because our brains have melded too much over the years, and we keep coming up with the same fucking shit. So, uh long story short, this week I have two Would You Rathers that I came up with a topic for. Jake has none because next week he's gonna come up with his own topic. This is very complicated and gay math here, but he's gonna come up with his own topic and own single Would You Rather as well as a Would You Rather based on my topic from this week, but it gives him a week to think of a different thing than the things that I said. So there. And I think that it's really funny to me that I have a topic and I think I have covered all the fucking bases on it. God damn it. So good luck, dude. I thought of every angle and wrote two Would You Rathers with four different angles on the same topic. Fuck. Good luck, bro.
SPEAKER_00We're really we're kind of trying to query the uh episodes so that there's like a running thread of the colours. I have a query for you throughout. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Shut up. It's not really a query, is it?
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_03All right. Well it's a query bashing. Nice. All right. Well, um, my topic for this this week's Would You Rather is uh jars. Just jars.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_03So my first one, Jake, would you rather? Yeah. Come in a small mason jar until it is completely full and drink it at the end. When it's full. However long that takes you. I don't know what your load volume is like. I imagine it's probably healthy because I haven't heard you complain about it. That's not bad. Uh or sit this is a simple, straightforward would you rather, right? Okay. One guy, one jar yourself.
SPEAKER_00And I have to break it in my asshole.
SPEAKER_03The whole video re you're recreating the video. All right, all right. For those who don't know, yeah. It's a video of a guy squatting over a jar, shoving it in his entire butthole, and the jar breaks and he bleeds out of his butthole.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, he slips and uh he breaks the jar in his butt. Yeah. Uh and then there's blood dripping onto the floor and he screams. Yeah. That's how the video ends.
SPEAKER_03Yep. Um in a small mason jar. I'm not talking like, you know, the classic full of green beans one. I'm talking like the the next size down.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I guess.
SPEAKER_03Probably a good eight ounces.
SPEAKER_00Six to eight ounces. Yeah. It's like a little eight-ounce guy. Still, eight ounces of cum is a lot of. So that's a pretty fucking high volume. I'm gonna have to be do I do I get any time to prep? Like, can I take zinc or whatever it is that's a good thing?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I mean, the only the only rules are this is the jar, fill it with your own cum, okay, drink it eventually.
SPEAKER_00So this so what I would have to do is I would have to take a day off of work. Right? A day? So what I'm what I'm here's what I'm thinking. Okay. If I pick that option, which is the option I'm gonna choose because I'm not gonna fuck my asshole up. Okay. Uh you know, it's already a you know, a balloon knot. I don't need to I don't need to pop that balloon, dude.
SPEAKER_03That's not a good idea. Imagine if you took this this one guy one jar situation on a hemorrhoek. You might bleed out.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Definitely gonna have Chris Benoit levels of roid rage at that point. Yeah. Um, I would I would definitely be at r I would have to come to your house because I'm at risk of killing the chick and the kid with that level of roid rage forcing through me. I'd have to take you to the C T E R. Stupid. Nice. Uh so I liked it. So I think I'm gonna I'm gonna do the first option that where I don't have broken shards of glass in my asshole. Oh, okay. And just cum just slipping down my throat a bunch of it. Yeah. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna research how you keep cum liquid. What temperature does it have to be to keep it liquefied and not congealed? Because I know that in the shower, it becomes immediately congealed. Right, because all the steam and stuff. Right. It's cooking. So I don't know if it needs to be cold to stay liquid cum. Like if I would have to refrigerate it.
SPEAKER_03I think you would want to refrigerate it in general just because, like, you're right. It's organic material.
SPEAKER_00Dude, it's gonna become yogurt consistency. Oh yeah. Which is fine. I can eat yogurt. That's fine. Yeah. I eat yogurt every day. It's basically cum. It looks like cum.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, but uh it doesn't taste like strawberry and banana.
SPEAKER_00That's true. This is and I'm not Greek, so it's definitely gonna have whatever, you know. I don't know what the difference is off the top of my head. But uh Greek yogurt and regular. I can't think of it. Fat content. It might be fat content.
SPEAKER_03I don't fucking know. I don't remember. Peaches and cream without the peaches.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So what I'm thinking is what I would do is I would take a day off work. Uh-huh. Leading up to that day, I'm gonna take whatever supplements it is that gives you giant loads, right?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, the zinc, uh there's like another zinc and magnesium, maybe something.
SPEAKER_00Something like that. And so I'm gonna do that regimen leading up to for like a week or two weeks or whatever it is that optimizes your load. And then on that day that I'm off, first thing in the morning, I'm gonna piss, then I'm gonna come into the to into the jar, I'm gonna put it in the fridge, I'm gonna wait an hour. Not probably not even, probably 20, 30 minutes, however long it takes to get another boner. Okay. So probably like five minutes if I'm if I have some kind of visual stimulus. And then maybe some blue chew. And uh, oh, that'd be a good idea, yeah. Chew it up, and then chew it up, spit it out, chew it up, skeet it out. Chew then blue right into that jar. Yeah. And then uh and then I'm gonna come into the jar again and again and again, probably five, six times. And hopefully I can reach the eight ounces through that method. There's in one day, no chance. And then, you know, with giant loads, no chance. I'm gonna stick my dick into the mouth of the jar, all the cums going in the jar. Sure. Not a single drop is is gonna be wasted. I think you're like I'm gonna cum's lucky to get two ounces out of that. Out of a day? Out of like five or six loads?
SPEAKER_03Even with the the biggest loads that your body can muster. Because it's diminishing returns.
SPEAKER_00Well, more like mayonnaise.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I think it it's diminishing returns. Even if you took like the thing is you're gonna have to save that that first load up for three days.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah, for sure. I'm not gonna come that entire time I'm taking the zinc and magnesium. Like, I'm saving up that first. That first one, I'm hoping it's gonna be two ounces in and of itself. Not a chance, dude. I'm hoping. And then I fucking I nut that one out and then I wait a few minutes, nut again. Then after the first two, you gotta wait a little longer for three. Probably wait a little longer than that for four.
SPEAKER_03I was about to Google how much like the average load is, and I feel like we've probably Googled that during the course of this show.
SPEAKER_00We probably have like six times. At least half a dozen times.
SPEAKER_03We've Googled how much cum is in one. We've talked so much about cum. Well, now we're we're well, we're back at it. Might as well hit we got a baker's half dozen.
SPEAKER_00How or no, what volume?
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Now we got AI to tell us. Back in the day, it was just some guy on the internet who was like I've weighed all my cum. I know.
SPEAKER_00Load of cum. Volume. With no question mark. The average volume of a single load of semen is about 1.5 to 5 milliliters, with most men producing around 3.4 milliliters. Uh so in household household terms, this equals about uh uh like half a teaspoon, is what it says.
SPEAKER_03Half a teaspoon. There's no half a tablespoon. It has to be tablespoon. Half a tablespoon is still not that much. I produce at least a full tablespoon every single time, and I don't come like a fucking Greek god or anything.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, um, okay, so so this is this is looks like a recipe website. It almost is, yeah. Uh fucking WebMD normal results. Yeah, okay. This is yeah, this is it. Uh god damn it. And now we need the conversion.
SPEAKER_03Right. So what a 3.5 milliliters to ounces.
SPEAKER_00Okay. 3.5 milliliters to ounces. There we go. Boom. Uh oh my god. Yeah. It's a fifth of an ounce, is what it says.
SPEAKER_03So let's say that's what it says, but let's put you on the fucking.
SPEAKER_00Think about your cum though. Think about like when you jizz, like a okay, like when you jizz on a lady, right? Uh-huh. Think about the like how big of a surface area you get out of a good nut. Yeah. Like, but it's that's pretty good.
SPEAKER_03Like it's the difference between square feet and cubic.
SPEAKER_00No, I I get what you're saying. It's volume. And it's not surface area, it's volume. But like, still though, I feel like my like on a good nut, like, I could fill a tablespoon. Yeah. Probably. And a tablespoon is more than a fifth of an ounce, isn't it? I don't know. What the fuck is a tablespoon? Well, let's see if oh, here we go. We got we got tablespoons. Nice. Here we go.
SPEAKER_03This is such a we're a math podcast.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, dude. Uh oh, god damn it. It's not giving it to me even after I hit the tablespoon. Okay. 3.5 milliliters to tablespoons.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Here we go. Here we go.
SPEAKER_03A quarter of a tablespoon?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's a quarter of a tablespoon.
SPEAKER_03There's no way. There's no way, dude. I'm telling you right now, confidently, and I'm telling you that you're highballing it. I'm over here going conservative with it. I produce a tablespoon of company. That's what I'm saying. Every time I come.
SPEAKER_00That's what I'm saying. I I would say on a good one, it's a tablespoon. I'm gonna Because a tablespoon is like the big spoon. Yeah. In your fucking silverware set.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_00There's no way I don't line that motherfucker up and it's not like mounding a little.
SPEAKER_03I'm gonna do this. We should. What do I have to lose? There's nobody else in my house. I'm gonna go to the dollar.
SPEAKER_00Mind me to never okay.
SPEAKER_03I'm gonna buy a tablespoon, a measuring spoon. Yeah. And I'm gonna do my God. Well, the thing is, you gotta make a pick though, dude.
SPEAKER_00My prostate is healthy. You gotta take a pick and you gotta put it on the Patreon.
SPEAKER_03Well, the concern that I have is this thing's gonna bounce off that spoon and fucking whoop. It's gonna half pipe its way to the fucking ceiling.
SPEAKER_00It's gonna honey Tony Hawk Tua into your fucking mouth.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, dude. I'm gonna get I'm gonna catch a stray in the eye. Fucking Ralphie, dude. I'm gonna Ralphie myself with a with my little red rider.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Santa's gonna throw me down the slide again. Yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_03I'm gonna catch a fucking stray, bro.
SPEAKER_00So okay, so I'm thinking a tablespoon is what I'm gonna get out of out of a good, healthy nut. Okay. Out of my my best nut is a tablespoon. I'm not even saying that's my average. I'm saying that's my top. But still, on this day, if I save it for three, five, six days, that's gonna be a tablespoon. And that, and what's a tablespoon to an ounce? God damn it.
SPEAKER_03Bring out the converter, nigga. We should have been asking Siri this whole time.
SPEAKER_00Uh one tablespoon, two what? Ounces. That's not a that's not just on here? Okay, there it is. Uh half an ounce. Okay, yeah, half an ounce. So if you like I said So ten times to get five ounces. So uh sixteen times. Sixteen nuts of the healthy variety gets me the eight ounces. Yeah, you're not sixteen times in one day. But what yeah, right. So I would have to I I would have this would have to be a like three or four day project. Right. And then the fridge would hopefully preserve the volume of because I'm gonna seal it up, you know? Yeah. So it'll preserve only cracking that open is gonna be fucking atrocious, even though it's in the fridge, dude. Because it's gonna get warm for a second, like so it usually takes me three to five minutes to jerk off, right? Sure. So, because I know all the moves that work on me, you know? Yeah, so intimate knowledge. I should, because I've been doing it since I turned 12, basically. So I should. So, like, you know, 24 years, I should be pretty good. Right. So I, you know, I what I'm thinking is three to five minutes. So what I'm gonna have to do is find a strategic time during well, that's not enough time. That's fine. So what I would do is right before, literally, dick in hand before I start actually dorking, I go in with my left hand and grab the fucking jar, put it, put it on the counter, and then I fucking get myself real close, get ish, like close-ish, then pop the lid off, and then the last like 30 seconds to 45 seconds is, you know, that's how long the thing is out, you know? It's only out for like a couple minutes. It doesn't have time to cool down because it's also in cool glass. So that helps. So it's not gonna, none of it's gonna evaporate, it's not gonna go away in any in any uh functional way, right? So, but it is gonna congeal, it's gonna be cold, it's gonna basically be like I said, yogurt. That's just what's gonna have to happen. And and but that is so much better. So, what I'm thinking is this chore, this week or two of supplementation, this another four days of jerking off into a jar, then actually eating the whole jar worth of cum. It's that's a lot. You know, that sucks. That's the worst. But it's way better than two months of having a periodically sore asshole actively bleeding for the first, I don't know, week or two because your assholes like your fucking lips or your ears. It like it'll bleed, dude. It'll it it's a bleeder, dog. Like it's gonna bleed a lot. Yeah, it's like you're on your period for a week, you know? It's like you have a period. Yeah, and then and then it goes away, it heals up eventually because you fucking stuff neosporin and shit up there to try to make it like heal and and not bleed all the time. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And what are the odds that doesn't get infected? You shit. I know, dude.
SPEAKER_00I know. I'm gonna have to be back there cleaning it constantly. Fuck that. Instead of all that, I'd rather eat my own cum. It's my cum. It's not, you know, it's not fucking uh Jason Momoa's cum. It's my cum.
SPEAKER_03God gave it to me. It's mine. I'll do with it what I want. It's not Max Crosby's cum. It's my cum. Well, now I'm less interested in yours. I want the Crosby.
SPEAKER_00cum. Max Crosby's cum is also white and also wishes it was black.
SPEAKER_03All those little sperms have sideways hats.
SPEAKER_00And tattoos, full body tattoos.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, dude. They got full tail tattoos. They come out with pads on. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Ready to rush on third down. Yeah. A couple of fake teeth from third. Probably got third downs. Nice. Yeah. Noise. All right. Well, that was my first one. Glad that uh that intrigued us so much. Max Crosby's cum never goes up the defensive end. You know what I mean? Nice. Yeah, I'm glad we just spent 15 minutes talking about cum math. That was fun. Uh cum math. Now we we take a little diversion. It's similar-ish in some ways. Okay. But here we go. Would you rather fill a jar with your own shit and piss and make ginkham to get high off of for a week?
SPEAKER_00A week straight or like once a day?
SPEAKER_03You're getting high all day, every day for a week on your own jinkum.
SPEAKER_00Giving myself CTE in a different way.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Um, CT Ebola. Or nice. I think that's the only time you can do two CTE jokes where the E is the thing. Uh next one's got to be more dynamic than that. Uh that one or carry a jar full of really big pissed off hornets, like the fucking pepsis wasps. Yeah, yeah, the big bitches. Yeah. The Chinese murder hornets and shit. Everywhere you go, you have to carry that jar with you in your hand for a year.
SPEAKER_00Oh.
SPEAKER_03Now and it's closed. It's closed, but here's the thing. Every time you jostle them, they're more pissed off. And if you make one false move, you're everything you do for the rest of your year is with a jar of wasps in your hand. And if that thing breaks, right, you are getting stung 60,000 times. Right. They are gonna fuck your shit up. Right. Or just one week of getting high on your own supply. Easy peasy.
SPEAKER_00Okay, well jincom sucks.
SPEAKER_03What if you fall asleep and your hand is like hanging over the side of the bed and you drop it and it busts on the floor?
SPEAKER_00And you wake up to a bunch of wasp stings.
SPEAKER_03Just fucking you up.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so so okay, here's the thing Can I purposefully break the jar and kill them all? No. Can I set up some Rube Goldberg Rube Goldberg machine with this wasp jar? And then I I break it and I might get a few stings, but they're all dead. Nah, they're immortal. Okay. Uh then I'm I'm Okay. So I have to hold it in my hand for a year. Yeah. Well, what about playing guitar? Figure it out. God damn it. Figured it. What if it just has to be on my person? Like I can put it in my pocket.
SPEAKER_03Do you imagine how dangerous it would be if like you had an i let's say you put it in your right hand and you like duct tape a guitar pick to it? And you're like, I'm just gonna fret the fuck a finger of the fretboard with my left hand, and I'm just gonna shake these wasps up for like an hour. The minute you slip up and you drop that thing, they've been fucking jostled for an hour straight. They are gonna be so fucking mad. So mad, yeah. They're gonna kill themselves to hurt you.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, the wasps will have CTE by the end of that. Yeah. Um, they're like a bunch of OJ Simpsons, just ready to kill waiters, wives, whatever. Yeah. Um, god damn it. Because I I mean, I just feel like I'm gonna lose, I don't need to lose any more brain cells. Brendan Schwartz. You guys hear me every every week. Like, I don't need to lose anymore. And I feel like huffing my own piss and shit for a week is gonna kill more than I can afford to lose.
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah, you're gonna be retarded for sure by the end of that.
SPEAKER_00Therefore, I'm gonna pick the wasp option. And here's why. Here's what I think. Here, here's here's my my thing here. So I fucking hate wasps. Oh, me too. I have joined the subreddit fuck wasps because I like watching them die. Um, I like when people find new innovative ways to genocide wasps. You like the guy with the the chopstick guy? Uh yes. That guy's rad. Uh there's also the guy who grabs the wasp nest with his hand and fucking eats it. Oh my god. That was pretty sick. I showed that to my chick and she almost threw up, and it was very funny. That's very gross. Uh, but um so I think I'm always looking for a way to be more empathetic, you know, to like really clue into my empathy. Because I have some, but you know, it fades over the years, you know, you get grizzled by life. The news. That too. And uh, and so I think having to live with these wasps, you know, if uh eventually I'm gonna get stoned and I'm gonna watch them. I'm gonna watch what they do. I'm gonna watch them like do their thing and like shake their antennas at each other and whatever the fuck they do.
SPEAKER_03As soon as you look at that jar, they're all just like uh staring at you, flipping you off.
SPEAKER_00That's fine. But I'll maybe maybe it'll give me some like perspective on wasps. Like I'll learn to love them. I'll learn to like appreciate that form of life as like I don't right now. I very much do not. I fucking hate them and I hope they all die. Bees, fine, they're friends. Yellow jackets, the fuzzy plump motherfuckers that you see buzzing around that I used to be scared of when I was a kid. Nah, they're cool. Love them. Wasps though, they should all die. I fucking hate them. Right. Uh, but like maybe it'll help me to to learn and be a better person and be a more understanding uh steward of consciousness if I have to live with them for a year. Can I ask you a question? What? You fucking gay? You fucking gay right now? I'm just trying to tap into like some Duncan Trussell-esque like new agey thing, because I'm not gonna huff piss and shit. I would rather be I would rather be a fucking Eastern fucking Buddhist fucking desire is the enemy of happiness piece of shit, than I would huffing my own shit. What if what if that gives you like a fucking hallucinogenic experience? It doesn't. It it it's it's not like that.
SPEAKER_03It's it's a hallucinogen. Kind of. It is. It's if you Google it. I had to Google it to make sure I was spelling it right. And AI said, Jenkham is a hallucinogen made from fermented human waste. But it's not like a good hallucinogen.
SPEAKER_00It's like how do you know? I've heard tell that you're testimonial. It's more, it's it's definitely like as you would expect, it's a much dirtier trip. It's like it doesn't feel right. Like things things don't go well. Like you're not enhancing any conscious experience by huffing shit. And you think staring at wasps is gonna give you that? It's gonna be better than huffing shit. Doing hornet meditation? Yes. It's gonna be better.
SPEAKER_03It has to be better. Wow. Maybe you've maybe you've tapped into a new thing that people could pay you to do. It's like come to Jake News's hornet meditation classes.
SPEAKER_00Maybe, dude.
SPEAKER_03Instead of um, it's like buzz.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's gonna be. I just can't imagine huffing my own shit. I'll do acid though. I'll tell I'll duct tape the fucking wasp jar to my hand so I don't drop it. Meanwhile, we're and do acid or something.
SPEAKER_03Meanwhile, we're eating mushrooms that half of them are grown on top of cow shit.
SPEAKER_00Well, yeah, but you rinse them off. Or you can, we don't, but you you can.
SPEAKER_03You can't rinse rinse your own human shit off.
SPEAKER_00No. There's no rinse in that. That just becomes diarrhea. Like dirt becomes mud, shit becomes diarrhea. Correct. Yeah. Even if it didn't come out as diarrhea. If you mix it with water, it's now diarrhea.
SPEAKER_03I wonder how much you need to dilute shit for it to become like, you know. A hundred percent. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00It can be no more shit.
SPEAKER_03Wash away all the time.
SPEAKER_00It has to be zero shit. Interesting. For it to be uh drinkable by me or huffable by me.
SPEAKER_03All that's left is uh E. coli. Yeah. Just little bits of it. All right. Well, you know, fair enough. Fair enough.
SPEAKER_00CT E. coli.
SPEAKER_03Damn it.
SPEAKER_00CT Ethiopia. I don't know. I'm trying. Shit, you know, you get it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, poopy. Hey, this is the poopy cum podcast.
SPEAKER_00Hey, I didn't say it. Trump said it. Blame him.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Get him, boys.
SPEAKER_00This is the anti-Trump episode.
SPEAKER_03Uh all right. Well, cool. Um, yeah. They all are. I can't wait to hear your new take, your fresh take on jars.
SPEAKER_00Jars. Yeah. You know what? Just in case, I'm gonna make a new note file and I'm gonna just put jars.
SPEAKER_03I'm not gonna try to like send you down any particular route, but I this one just popped into my head and I'm gonna give it to you for free. Sure. Jar. Jar Binks. So take that.
SPEAKER_00I thought of doing something with a jar.
SPEAKER_03Ah, nice.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Wordplay is perfectly legal in this world.
SPEAKER_00Okay. And I I'm uh you're gonna have to vamp for like 10 seconds because I just thought of something with my uh What if you said that and I just sat here silently? You should.
SPEAKER_03Uh give it a burp, scratch, scratch my beard a little. Got it, it's done. That would be really funny if I did that instead of anything. I just had to write that down while I was thinking of it. Vamp, you know? And I'm like whatever, dude. Uh so we've got other segments. We do. We're gonna go into this one because I talked a lot in the last one. Oh, sure. And it's your turn to talk now. Okay. All right. All right. This is a uh not a democracy. What is it? Equilibrium, no. Equality. Sorta.
SPEAKER_00We're equals. Yeah, for sure. He's not black, we're equals. Oh, god damn it. We don't have any Spotify comments. Uh God damn it. Arden J, what the fuck are you doing, man?
SPEAKER_03You're a lonely life. God damn it.
SPEAKER_00All right.
SPEAKER_03Ladies and gentlemen, here's Jake's dark web links for illicit photos of children. Let's go. Darn it. Still says that. I forgot about that.
SPEAKER_00I told you to change it. I for refused. I didn't really change it. I refuse. I don't care. It's funny. I'm a demon. So I have two top fives. News flash. Uh oh. Uh one of them, you'll you'll get why I did two. Whoa. After I say the first, after I start to do the first one. The first one is top five. My top five. Uh-huh. I should I gotta start it that way. My top five black people-isms. Oh. And this is not the usual like uh big ticket ones. These are just random things that that tend to be that black people tend to say just to like link sentences together and like make sentences happen and shit, right? All right, this is the ones that have tickled you. Yes. So number five, just Jack. This is more old school. This is more like Richard Pryor era, uh-huh. But they used to say Jack all the time. Come on, Jack. Like that kind of thing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00It's always entertained. I like that. I've always loved it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Number four. Boah. Boah. For boy. Boah. Boah. Come on, bois. That fucking gets me every time. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I love that.
SPEAKER_00When I was a teenager, we had one black student at our high school. His name was Bronson. And other sentences. That was his real name, was Bronson. And he was the funniest fucking person I had met. Turns out he was like a six out of ten as far as black people funny. And he was the first black person I met that was funny at all. And he said wah all the time. And it fascinated me. Actually, probably two or three of these are probably from him, to be honest. But yeah, he said, come on, boah, uh, to us white folks, and it was very funny. I loved it. Number three, truthfully.
SPEAKER_03Truefully.
SPEAKER_00I mean, truthfully.
SPEAKER_03Truefully's good.
SPEAKER_00Truefully?
SPEAKER_03Bah reminded me of uh I had this black friend growing up, LeVar. He's my best friend. Yeah. He had a brother Venoit.
SPEAKER_00Uh he's Black Jake, right?
SPEAKER_03Uh yeah. I guess he would be. Yeah. LeVar would be Black Jake. Dude, I fucking I'll tell you some stuff about LeVar. Some quick hitters. Sure. After this. But uh he had uh his mom, obviously, white lady that dated black guys a lot. Sure. Um, and when I was hanging out with him a bunch, she had a new boyfriend, and I can't remember his name, but I do remember two things he said all the fucking time when I would go over there. He would look at me and he'd be like, Oh, what's up, white devil? He would call me white devil. That's awesome. I thought that was hilarious. And then he would always call the boys, LeVar and Venoit, hey, what are you doing, young blood?
SPEAKER_00Young blood, get over here, young blood. Young blood is an honorable mention. I love young blood. I love young blood too.
SPEAKER_03Get in here, young blood. Get off my Xbox, Young Blood. What the hell are you doing? Hilarious, bro. You're gonna ruin my 2K save file. Oh, you're hanging out with the white devil. Dude, they played Gears of War. It was weird. They played Xbox. Weird. Gears of War. Weird.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. You're right. PlayStation is the black console. It is the black console. Need for speed on a play. Need for speed or 2K on a PlayStation. 100%. Yeah. Or Madden, obviously. Yeah. This nigga played fucking Gears of War. That's crazy. On Xbox 360. That's awesome, dude. I thought it was cool. Chainsaw Bayonet. A black dude wielding a chainsaw bayonet virtually. That's great.
SPEAKER_03Pretty sick. It was really fun. That's what that was the first time I ever played Gears of War. That's fucking cool. I was too poor for Xbox. But the black family had a fucking Xbox 360. Of course, I didn't have anyone in my family that could boost me an Xbox.
SPEAKER_00But Nor who had boost mobile.
SPEAKER_03Right, yeah. Oh man, when that shit came out, I he was the first one I ever met that had it. That's great. He was a classic, like skin shaved down, bald black head, with the fuck. Always wearing a white tee. A fresh one. Fresh out the pack. That man did not do laundry once. He would buy a brand new pack of fresh white teas from Walmart, five pack, every week, and just rock white teas. Wow. Brand new.
SPEAKER_00That's pretty cool though. I respect it.
SPEAKER_03No, he was a cool guy. I didn't have any problems with him. He had uh African children.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Like Africa, Africa.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And uh there was one of them that I thought was hot. I wanted to fuck her so bad. Oh. She was tall and had big tight boobies. Nice. And a fucking just a juicy fucking ass. Dude, straight from Djibouti. Just a fucking round romper, dude. And the language barrier was impossible to over.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03And I was just I was trying to explain to her like white people have big dicks too. And me and LeVar have compared, and our dicks are identical. Two different flavors of the same ice cream. I'm telling you right now, if you would just they look like they came out of the same package. Yeah, dude. Our circumcisions were identical, even. It was crazy how identical our dicks were.
SPEAKER_00Your belly buttons, not so much. No, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_03I mean any and outie all day, dude.
SPEAKER_00Oh my god. That when I first heard of that, the whole thing about black people have outdies because of because doctors are racist. Pretty wild. I I'm not gonna lie. It made me laugh very hard. In a in a like a you know, oh kind of a way, you know.
SPEAKER_03Do you think a doctor could leave enough uh on the on the fucking bone, enough meat on the bone that they could have like a second pecker? You think that's possible? Has anyone ever tried that? To leave like three inches of umbilical cord? Yeah. Uh oh, there's double dick Daryl again. Fucking two girls at the same time.
SPEAKER_00Oh man. I was trying to think of a too fast, too furious. Two shaft, too. That's how far I got. Damn. Two shaft, too curious. I don't know.
SPEAKER_01Oh, the girls would have to be something like that, yeah. Those girls would have to be curious. Two shaft, too curious. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Uh yeah. So yeah. Oh, what are the quick hitters about Daryl?
SPEAKER_01Sorry. Was that it? LeVar. Or Lavar.
SPEAKER_03Racist piece of shit.
SPEAKER_00Just said Daryl. That's why I said Daryl.
SPEAKER_03Oh, uh my one of my favorite things about LeVar was in that so like normally when there's in any fucking movie or story that you tell about a little white kid and a little black kid that become best friends, inevitably it's always the emblackation of that little white kid. Absolutely. But I that's the story of Max Crosby, dude. A hundred percent. But I don't know if it's like my whatever quality of like I just take the lead in in situations. Every friend I've ever had, it was like I was always just like taking the fucking reins and like, let's go out in the woods, let's go, we're gonna go skateboard. Like it was always like I just wanted to do something and we were gonna go do it.
SPEAKER_00So if you were the bedroom, you'd be the master bedroom. Correct. Then what would that make him the slave? The slave quarters. Yeah. Nice. Anyway, go. Sorry.
SPEAKER_03Um so instead of me becoming more emblackified, uh, he started to get a little uncle Tomified. Oh so like when we first started hanging out, we were listening to you know rap and stuff, and I liked it, obviously. I still like rap to this day. Yeah. Um, but like then I started to get into like System of a Down was like the first one. You showed him fucking last resort. I showed him System of a Down. Oh, okay. And that dude got down with the sickness real fucking quick. That guy started listening to System of a Down all the time, started skateboarding with me, and he just like he embraced his half cracker side so hard, and that was really fun. Watching a little black kid go, wake up! And us arguing over lyrics and shit, because like we weren't Googling them or anything. It's like, no, he says this at this part. And I'm like, I'm arguing with a black dude about the lyrics to a fucking system of a down song. This is crazy.
SPEAKER_00I'm arguing with a black fella about uh a fucking Arab dude's lyrics, Armenian lyrics to a basically a white genre of music. He's he was erratic in white, not motionless.
SPEAKER_03Uh anyway. He said that. Uh what was next on your uh that's the worst.
SPEAKER_00That's even worse than that joke sucks.
SPEAKER_03Yep, those words came out in that order.
SPEAKER_00Yep, that's a band. Didn't really make sense with the thing, but I guess it was the only one you could think of that have whitened the name. Blackchapel. Anyway.
SPEAKER_03Nah, I would have laughed at that.
SPEAKER_00Uh so uh number three was truthfully. Number two, matter of fact. Matter of fact. It doesn't have a T on the end. It's just matter of fact. I spelled it M-A-T-T-U-H-A-C-K. Yeah. Matter of fact. Matter of fact. Matter of fact, I'm gonna go kick his ass right now. Something like that. Uh matter of fact, I'm gonna go get some mad dog 2020 from yeah. All right. Uh number one. This is a favorite. This is like a this is has become a commonplace joke. It's the only one of these on my list, but it is so pervasive among black cult like culture. I like I tuned into this when I was like 13 years old. Me and my buddy tried to write rap songs. Uh-huh. I was trying to write a rap song with the title of this. And this was also gonna be the main line of the chorus with like lines uh uh uh uh punctuating it. Gotcha. Number one on my list of my favorite black isms. She. She. That's number one, dude. That has to be. That's a solid number one. She. I was gonna make a rap song that was like that that was the thing. Like it was like two or it was like double or triple tracked of going she and then lines in between that like told the story of what you were saying, she about. I like that. I like that. Okay, here's my actual list. Which we act we went longer on that though.
SPEAKER_03I will say, tiny little fucking thing. My favorite thing about Mad Dog 2020, because you brought it up, at no point has it ever actually been called that. It has been MD 2020 since the day it was invented. And Mad Dog is just the thing that everyone calls it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, for sure. That's so cool. Yeah. Uh, which, by the way, wouldn't mind to get some for the fart party, by the way.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, dude. Fucking Edward Mad Dog hands? Hell yeah, dog. We duct taped mad dog jars, bottles to our hands, dude. That would be sick.
SPEAKER_00That sounds like a Friday night activity.
SPEAKER_03That sounds like a blast.
SPEAKER_00Because I don't think I would get sick off Mad Dog like I did off of the fucking stupid hoppy beers that I put in the cooler last year. It's fruit juice with a little bit of alcohol in it. Right, exactly. It's if if it'll make me like too full or something before it'll make me like actually sick, you know what I mean? Hell yeah. Let's do that. Let's let's hold on to that idea. It's so cheap, too. It's like three dollars a fucking bottle. Hey, chat. Hey, chat, put that in the comments on Spotify so we remembered. Don't let me forget Arden. Put it in the fucking comments on Spotify, bro. And put something else for last week, motherfucker. Okay, uh here we go. My top five list. Top five. Bathroom mishaps. Ooh. These are things that go wrong in the bathroom. Pisshaps. Piss haps. That's good, but some of them are shit haps. Uh, and even beyond that, actually. Did you take a shit nap? One of them's beyond that. Actually, no, I never have. Uh our fucking uh uh every nap you had's been a banger. Local chef did though. Oh, yeah, damn a couple months ago.
SPEAKER_03Let's be sad.
SPEAKER_00All right. Uh oh.
SPEAKER_03R.A.P. Fuck.
SPEAKER_00Fuck. I just remembered I have an update about local chef. It's really short. He privatized his fucking profile. So now I can't even see if he's put anything new up. Yeah. We gotta message this motherfucker.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. It's either either one of you guys fucking sold the goose on us. That's not a saying. I just said it. Uh I I hadn't told you that before, right? You told me the other day. Oh, yeah, okay. And you were like, you were fucking hitting me with conspiracy theories.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah, that's right. I have messaged you about it. That's why I don't remember talking about it.
SPEAKER_03You said something like super like you were concerned that something had happened conspiracy-wise that made the Yeah, like somebody told. Yeah. And I was like, well, let's just go over the more logical things. Either it's a Reddit update thing or somebody commented and it hurt his feelings or something. Like is less likely that we had anything to do with it. Occam's razor, yada yada.
SPEAKER_00You're right, but still, I bet I bet we did get told on it. All right. Occam's Cleaver, because he's a chef, sorry.
SPEAKER_01Good one, dude. Thanks.
SPEAKER_00Uh top five, bathroom mishaps. Number five, classic. Mm-hmm. Forgetting slash running out of toilet paper. So you thought about it, you didn't buy anymore. Now you're shit out of luck because there's shit in between your ass cheeks and you don't have anything to wipe it with. Damn. There are there are some go-to's for that. You know, you crank crinkle up toil or crinkle up a paper towel to make it softer. And then you use that. Uh obviously you can't put that down the fucking toilet, or you're not supposed to. Uh so that's a problem. But you know, we've all had this happen where you had to yell for someone to get you a roll of toilet paper or whatever. You know, that's a classic.
SPEAKER_03I used to date.
SPEAKER_00That's why it's number five.
SPEAKER_03I used to date a girl that would not flush. Toilet paper. She would wipe her ass after taking a shit and put the shitty toilet paper in the garbage can of that. That bathroom.
SPEAKER_00Like shit. Yeah, constantly. Insanity. Yeah. I feel like if you do that, you're also the type of person that never takes out the goddamn trash. Which I'm guilty of that sometimes. But number four. Yeah. Because that one's we've all done that. That's that's a classic. But it deserved to be on the city.
SPEAKER_03Number five always has to be like the obvious. Yeah, yeah. Like this is what you're thinking of when you hear what I said.
SPEAKER_00It's the first thing you think of when you think of bathroom mishaps, right? Yep. Number four. This is pretty common too, but only for 50% of the pop. Missing the toilet with your stream of piss. Right? Yeah. Missing the toilet, like bad. Like your first initial stream goes way off, and now you have like not a huge puddle, but a sizable puddle of piss somewhere in the bathroom that you have to clean up.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. The two most common times this happens to me is the morning after coming. Right. And you get the split stream. Everyone's experienced that. Yep. 50%.
SPEAKER_01Yep.
SPEAKER_03Um, and then the other one is wake up at 2 a.m., got a piss real bad, don't turn on the bathroom light, YOLO. Yep. And you just the first like half a second of piss is just straight on the floor. And you hear it. As if the toilet wasn't there. And you feel the splash on your fucking legs and feet. Your shins. And you're just like, I should wash this off, but I'm so tired. I'm just gonna go back to bed with piss feet.
SPEAKER_00I oh yeah, I've definitely definitely dried my feet off with whatever it happens to be in the bathroom on the floor. Yeah, yeah. Like just a shirt from earlier or whatever, just like, all right, I'll wash it before I wear it again.
SPEAKER_01I mean, the shower curtain's fine, right? It's getting splashes on it eventually.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, don't worry about it.
SPEAKER_00Anyways, it's right by the toilet. Uh yeah, it's collateral damage. Um, number three. Get your hair wet, and only after your hair is wet, and only after your whole body is wet, do you realize you forgot to buy shampoo and you're fucking out. Like you've already flipped it up. It's been upside down for two weeks. Yeah. You've already squeezed the last like fart of like what was left in there out. It's all gone. It is an empty bottle sitting on your shelf.
SPEAKER_03Have you ever like little bit of little let a little bit of shower water into the bottle and shook it up a bunch to try to get like the the little clinger ons?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I'm saying you've already done that. Um you forgot, like totally forgot. And it's like a it's like a shower right before bed or like a where you're kind of urgent, you know, you're like, this is a short shower. I'm not even gonna jerk off. This is a short shower. Gonna be a quick, efficient shower. But it turns into not so much because now I'm fucked. And I have used a girlfriend's shampoo before in that situation. That's the obvious if you're living with a chick that that makes sense. Do that. But typically, this has happened to me when I'm not living with a chick. Right. And now I'm fucked. Now I have wet ass hair. Once or twice I've used body wash in my hair, which creates a an avalanche of fucking dandruff. Oh, yeah. Like you're so fucked when you're doing that. It's the worst feeling of all time. Your hair feels dirtier than it did before you put the fucking body wash in it. It's the worst thing ever. I this is as a dude who's had long hair for the last little over a decade, this is a fucking nightmare. For sure. I don't even take that good of care of my hair. Like, I it's not like I condition my hair. I don't have leave-in, anything. I'm not, you know, but still, it's the worst.
SPEAKER_03Dude, when I tell chicks that all I do is put in head and shoulders and then rinse it out, they get so mad. Yeah. They're like, oh, of course your hair lays perfectly and you don't have to do anything to it. And I'm just like, I just live my life. I'm not over here trying to fuck your day up. You're just picky McFuckin Pickerson with your hair.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Your hair's you have chick hair. It's fine. Of course your hair requires more maintenance. You go and get it cut and styled every fucking two weeks. Right. I have $300 for that shit. No one's touched my hair in four and a half to five years. That's crazy. Easy. That's such a long time. You wash it and then you fuck off.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. It just does whatever. Anyway. All right. So number two kind of has two offshoots, almost like the piss dream from number four. So, like number two, the way I wrote it down is jerking off and getting cum on a surface surface that's difficult to clean. So the uh outer shower curtain, maybe.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, like a cloth.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, the clothy shower curtain. Or one time at my parents, I was a fucking, you know, I was a teenager and I'm just jerking it. I I had my phone sitting on the sink on the IPG.me, which was the iPhone porn grid. And uh it had like a grid of videos, and you just clicked on each one or whatever. It it just it was all the most vanilla shit. It was just hot chicks, sucking dicks, and fucking, you know, like basically. It wasn't like weird in any way, really. Uh every now and then they would call each other stepbrother or whatever the fuck, you know what I mean? But it wasn't like weird shit, huh? Yeah, but it wasn't like weird, weird. You know, you could tell they weren't related, you know, like one of them's half black. This makes no sense. But anyway, uh, I guess you could be stepbrother if you're half black. But anyway, you know what I'm saying. Uh clearly they're clearly they're just two wannabe actors, you know. Clearly they're two failed actors, you know, just fucking each other for 500 bucks or whatever. So uh I would have my phone sitting there, and then I would, you know, that first jerk whenever that first like spurt of cum, sometimes that shit went to the ether, dude. That shit went like forever away. Uh-huh. And it would hit the wall. Out of sight, out of mind. Beneath, like, but underneath the vanity thing with the the the medicine cabinet. Oh, yeah. But above where the sink starts, above where like the splash guard thing of the sink, whatever that's called, the you know, vertical piece of the sink. You know, between there, there was a wall that had just regular paint on it. And I just had a memory. Cum didn't come off of that super easily. It doesn't. You had to wipe once, and then well, now there's just even if you have a wet washcloth, which you would think would wipe all of the cum off. No, it creates, and it was, dude, it was dark green. Not like dark or not dark dark, but like hunter green. Yeah. Dark enough that you there's not a nice contrast when there's cum on it, you know?
SPEAKER_03There's some guy out there listening whose name is Hunter Green, and he's like, What the fuck, dude?
SPEAKER_00I've only been cumbed on once. Uh so like then the so you would wipe it once. Well, now there's just you've just made the sheen of cum even bigger. Now it's like you've spread it across the dark green surface where there's a nice ghost image of cum across it, and now you gotta scrub really hard, and it's like a whole fucking thing. And of course, that's when somebody else wants to use the bathroom, right then. All that shit. But the other, the other option with this, with number two, is you come on someone else's belonging accidentally, someone else's like toiletry bag, or I mean, God forbid toothbrush. God forbid toothbrush. I never did that, but in the shower and you come on your mom's loofah. I uh I came on an ex-girlfriend's loofah one time years ago, like a long time ago. I mean, at least that's like, you know, she's been covered in your jizz at least once before. I didn't live with her. I was like staying at her place. Like this is in my early 20s. I'm like staying at her place. Oh my god. I still technically live at my parents' house. I'm just visiting and taking a shower, like, I don't know, pre-coitus, I guess, is probably the reason I would be taking a shower. I'd worked all day and then I, you know, I was taking a shower and I was like, well, I gotta jerk it so that I'm not, you know. And yeah, I remember distinctly coming on her loofah and then having to rinse her loofah for five minutes to make sure all the cum's out of it so she doesn't like accidentally wipe my cum all over her or whatever. Which someone will wring out a loofah first thing before they use it. So that would have knocked it out, but still I was worried that you know, she was gonna be like, What? Why are you coming in the shower?
SPEAKER_03We were about to bang, or we you know I want to imagine there's a world where you were worried she was gonna clean her pussy with it and get pregnant. No, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_00Nothing like that. But yeah, what's your what's your story that that reminded you of? Can you say?
SPEAKER_03Oh, I gotta what was it that you said?
SPEAKER_00I came on the wall.
SPEAKER_03Oh, right, right. There was um I remember I told you I've told everybody this, but like uh I when I was married and then I we split up. Yeah. I went out on my own and I started like eating keto and lost a bunch of weight and was getting in shape and stuff. Yeah. And then I started fucking chicks. And I was fucking chicks a lot. And I was staying at this apartment, and uh me and a buddy of mine had this apartment together, and I remember I had this girl over one time. I've told you the story about the girl that uh I woke up in the middle of the night and I had a loogie, and I reached over and there was like a half full bottle of water on my nightstand. I spit the loogie in the water bottle, put it back, left it there for weeks. We fucked, she took a drink out of it.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah, right.
SPEAKER_03Drank the fucking like scummy loogie water, the jinkum league loogie water. Yeah. Well, that same chick, I remember when she first came over before that even happened. I forgot about this, but I had been coming everywhere in this fucking bedroom, and I didn't have a headboard, and she laid down, she was like getting ready to lay down in my bed, and she looked at the wall above where my head lays every night, and it was like a fucking Jackson Pollock, fucking Banksy Waxin' Pollock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wanksy fucking just drips of cum all like all down the wall. Like 40 loads of me pulling out of chicks and busting all over them and the first shot hitting the wall, and I just forgot about it. So there was just like like stalagmite cave drippings of fucking cum. 50 goddamn loads of cum just dripping down my wall that I never noticed because I would wake up in the morning and I would get up out of bed and go any anywhere else. I wouldn't hang out in my room during the day. Right, right. But the sunlight was coming in the window, shined on the wall just right to reveal my shame. That's so fucking funny. I totally and and I swear to God, you probably noticed this when we moved into the farthouse together. I had a fucking cloth headboard. Yeah. And it was because of that. Nice. I was like, if I'm gonna start fucking busting, I'm gonna keep busting loads, I need something to catch it and hide it because I'm never gonna remember to clean my cum off the wall. Right, right. That's great. I forgot about that shit. Holy fuck. Wow.
SPEAKER_00But yeah, coming on something you shouldn't. Yeah. Whether that be something difficult to clean or just someone else's, just the essence of your cum on someone else's item or belonging or whatever. Yeah, terrible. Just terrible. Shame. And it's and it's toiletry stuff in the bathroom. So it's stuff that they're using to clean themselves, or it's gonna touch an intimate part of themselves, and it's got your jizz on it. That's a problem. Defiled. So number one, it all leads to this. And I don't know what to call this thing. There's not really a term for this, but it's like, okay, you know when you have an let's come up with the term first, and then I'll say so so like you know how there's like an earthquake, and then the earthquake's like a magnitude 5.4 or whatever. Right. But then the earthquake technically stopped, but then there's like a tremor after the fact. Aftershock. Aftershock? Cool. That's what I was gonna call it. Aftershock. Sick. So instead of aftershock, this is after shit. Number one is getting after shit on the bath mat. Okay. So you know how when you shit and the full, like a big old turd fucking flows out, it's fine. Yeah, maybe two or three turds, whatever. But then oftentimes at the end of your shit, there's one ball of shit that falls out at the very end. I have that. I don't know if I'm weird in that, but I'm sure others. I'll have like sometimes you gotta shake it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm talking about. That's that's the after shit. Because it's just one little guy after the main course, you know? Uh so like one I don't remember, I'm trying to I know this has happened at least once. It it was I I was a teenager, so it had to have been in my bathroom at my parents' house. Because I had my own bathroom, luckily. But like uh I used to, I still do to a great extent. I'll like stand up to wipe efficiently. I bend down. You know what I mean? Because if you're not bending over or down, you're not getting it all.
SPEAKER_03Your cheeks are just stuck together.
SPEAKER_00Your cheeks are smashed together like fucking PB and J Sammy. You're not getting in between there. You're not exposing all the crevices where the shit hides. Right. So anyway, I've still been down. I'm saying I'm I'm responsible with it now. I I hang over the toilet and wipe, you know? Sure. I don't get up, turn around like I used to.
SPEAKER_03I used to fucking get up like I used to crazy when I was a kid. You used to fucking turn around and do one of those, you know, those little birds.
SPEAKER_00Dude, I you what I'm saying is I used to not really bend down. Oh I used to like uh like wipe my ass poorly.
SPEAKER_03You would turn you would stand up from the toilet and turn around, face the toilet. Well, because the toilet paper roll is right beside the toilet.
SPEAKER_00So I would like get up, turn around to start peeling off fucking TP to wipe my ass, right? And I didn't know, I mean, I'm probably 15, let's say, 14, 15. I didn't know that I wasn't getting it all. I mean, the fucking the the the streaks in my underwear should have told me that I wasn't getting it all. But uh uh, you know, so I kind of knew, I guess. But uh, you know, but like uh I so I stood up and I turned around once. I don't remember exactly when, I just remember that my mom had put a maroon bath mat in the bathroom, uh-huh. And it like matched some of the other shit that was around, right? It was a nice accent to everything else in her mind. Probably wasn't in real life, though, to anyone else's subjective opinion. But so I stood up, I turned around, well, that little after shit ball fucking fell out. And I felt it happen. I felt it breach the cheeks, and I felt it, you know, it fell. I didn't hear it hit because it's a soft, clothy fucking bath mat.
SPEAKER_03But felt it tumble.
SPEAKER_00It was the it was like a shag bath mat. Uh-huh. Like it wasn't like one of the new fangled ones where it's like the convenient the little worms, little yeah. It wasn't like that where they're short and just like little stubby things. It was like long fucking strands of whatever shag material, right? Stupid to have for a bath mat. Very dumb. Don't understand how that was a thing at all. But it was on the underside, it was the bath mat shit, you know? It was, it was like yeah, the rubber shit. So it didn't move. It was that, but I fucking felt it breach, it fell, and then I like turn and look. Sure enough, there it is. And it is like I I tried to get it with the toilet paper. I remember like putting toilet paper on my hand and trying to grab it with the toilet paper. Well, of course, not only am I more of a klutz than I am now, uh, you know, my motor skills had had formed fully, but still I'm more of a dumbass than I am now. So I'm not thinking about how ginger I need to be with this turd ball.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, approach this.
SPEAKER_00So I fucking I grab it, and I guess I grabbed it too hard because I remember it like getting it there were like three or four strands of that shag that now have shit on them, uh-huh. Like smashed into them.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I got like 90% of the ball.
SPEAKER_03They got dingleberries now.
SPEAKER_00But 10% is now, yes, like dingleberry strands on the uh on the shag, like on a corner-ish, like of the shag. And I remember having to put water on it. I remember like later that night taking a shower, and then I I went for round two of trying to clean it off, you know, because I just know my mom's gonna come in there and be like, what the fuck? You know, you can't keep the shit in the toilet retard, you know? Yeah. So uh yeah, that was I remember that being the most urgent. Like, even the cum on the wall was like far more explainable than the fucking shit in the bath mat. Like, that's a problem.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I think about a year or two ago, I told you about a time that I had an after shit moment, and I I went to the bathroom, took a shit, did my normal routine, wipe, wipe, wipe, shut, flush it down, everything's cool, wash my hands, leave the bathroom, come back later, uh, for some reason, maybe to take a shower, pull my underwear down, and there's a little fucking nugget just hanging out in the undies. And it fucked with me for like a week. Yeah, I remember, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it fucked with me for a minute, and I was like, I'm not, I'm not dying, right? Yeah, like I'm not like my colon isn't giving out, like, what's happening? And it just I think it was a freak thing because it's never happened again. It's the only time it's ever happened in my life. Yeah, just a little fucking chicken nugget hanging out in my underwear. That's crazy. What the fuck is that?
SPEAKER_00That's a lot, dude, to have a turd in your underwear. That's a lot. That's weird. Yeah, yeah, that would fuck with me heavy.
SPEAKER_03And it was all smashed down too, because I sat on it.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_03I must have been taking a shower. Because it like I would have been way more fucking perturbed if I wasn't about to get in the shower. Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, about to clean it up.
SPEAKER_03But it was like, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Damn, dude. But yeah, that's my top five. Bathroom mishaps. Woo! Very fart mouth branded, I thought.
SPEAKER_03Of course. Yeah, geez, Louise, dude. Yeah, you know how fucking like it I have a weird level of laziness. Like I have like procrastinator's laziness where I wait until something is so fucking inconvenient before I do anything about it. Like, for example, like I try to wait until the last minute to cut my grass, where I look at it and go, if I don't go do it now, the next time I'll have any motivation whatsoever to do it, it'll be so long that it's a fucking major bitch.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_03So then I go do it. Or like it's been raining and that that is an easy excuse. Here's an example, another example of it. I've been living in this house for what since like what February-ish? I still so the first like month, I would just try to dry my feet off as best I can when stepping out of the shower because I forgot the bath mat at the old apartment. I just forgot it straight up. Left it on the floor, they didn't care. I never told you this. I forgot I've forgotten to tell you this multiple times. I got my full deposit back on that apartment. Oh, hell yeah. Nice, nice. That was cool. Um well, you gave them a bath mat. Yeah, free bath mat. Fuck you. Um, but uh, I just forgot it there. So I've just been like, I would get out of the shower and I would stand there and I'd put my foot up on the side of the tub and I would take my towel and I would just scrub the bottom of my foot to get it nice and dry. A lot of extra steps. And then one day I broke up with my girlfriend, and there was an extra towel in my bathroom, and I was just like, that's my bath mat now.
SPEAKER_01Hell yeah.
SPEAKER_03And to this day, that dirty ass fucking towel is sitting crumpled up on the floor next to my bathtub.
SPEAKER_00The same towel?
SPEAKER_03For like a month and a half.
SPEAKER_00Oh my god.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I just step on that. That's crazy, and it's got it's got two nicotine pouches on it. Forgot to take my nicotine pouch out in the shower, took it out, set it on the bathtub, eventually it falls off. Now it's on the towel. I don't have a trash can in my bathroom. So the first uh fucking 12 pack of toilet paper I bought, the the plastic from that is still on the floor. And every time I empty a roll of toilet paper, I just throw the fucking paper the toilet paper roll. That's efficient, though. Dude, eventually there are gonna there's gonna be too much, and I'll crumble it all up and take it to the garbage can. That's efficient. I'll I'll argue that that's efficient. If any chick were to come to my place right now, they would be like, This dude is the weirdest fucking guy. Like a towel for his bath mat. There's Just a pile of fucking pile of uh toilet paper tubes on the floor. It's not dirty, it's just like a little messy. Right. Yeah. You know, I have boxes I haven't unpacked completely still that are sitting in the in the living room.
SPEAKER_00Dude.
SPEAKER_03I'm moving again. Why would I I don't need anything in that box?
SPEAKER_00I I had boxes that I moved around for legitimately a year and a half. Yeah. Like, and a couple of them. I popped them open, saw what was in it. It's up in the attic right now. Revisited.
SPEAKER_03I have like overhead storage thing in my bedroom. There's stuff up there, I I have no fucking clue what it is.
SPEAKER_00All my mushroom shit is right up there. All of it. Yeah. All of it. I could start a grow-op, mushroom grow-op tomorrow with what I have up there. All of it that's not expired anymore.
SPEAKER_03But I mean, on the flip side, like if I like let's say I have I get home from work and I decide to heat up some chicken nuggets. I'll heat up the chicken nuggets, a little barbecue sauce or ketchup on the plate. I leave it on my desk, and the very next time I walk in that room, the first thing I do is take it to the trash can. Nice. I don't have a pile of dirt anywhere. Right. My dishes, I rinse them off to the point where they're almost clean and then put them in the fucking sink. Nice. Like I just I don't let dirt accumulate or anything. I sweep my kitchen like every two or three days. I sweep the fucking cat room where he's got little bits of litter. I don't let nasty shit accumulate. It's just like there's there's been an empty water bottle on the floor of my living room for two months. And it's just sitting there and it's not bothering me. It's not bothering anyone else. There's no ants on it because it's fucking water. It was just water. It's just it's a piece of plastic on the floor that I'm just I walk by and I go, eh. Right. I feel it. There's shit out here that I do that with. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00There's shit you've probably noticed shit out here where it's like, oh, I bet next week that'll be gone. And the next week it's fucking still here.
SPEAKER_03I guarantee you I've never noticed anything. Not once have I noticed a thing.
SPEAKER_00That's great.
SPEAKER_03I don't I don't pay attention to shit like that. It's just like when it's like, oh, there's like mold growing on something. That's where I'm like, something in my system fucked up. I'll tell you what what it was. The one time I noticed that in this new place was I made something for dinner or whatever. I was out of plastic forks. I used a regular fork. I rinsed the regular fork off and I put it in the dishwasher, but I didn't get everything, obviously, because when I opened the dishwasher again to load it up, there was mold on that fork and I just threw it away. Because I was like, that's that'll in my autistic OCD faggot brain, that will never be clean again. No, yeah, no. Mold, no. I'm not taking a chance. Not even if it gets to a thousand degrees and the thing half melts and reforms, that'll never be clean again. That is always gonna be the fork that had mold on it. It's in the garbage now forever. It's like those bottles of water right there.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I don't know when they're from. Oh, yeah. One of them is from last night. But I don't know which one. Right. And I had two on this table and I wasn't sure which one was from last night. And I'm like, well, I'm not gonna drink any of that anyway. So it's just gonna sit there until I remember and I fucking pour them out and they're gone.
SPEAKER_03It's a great way to live. Women need to figure that out. They need to figure out how to not give a fuck about something. Right. Because they give a fuck about everything.
SPEAKER_00Give a fuck about the important stuff, the mold and the stuff that we're talking about. Exactly. That's urgent that means something. Yeah, but shit that's innocuous, fucking let it go.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, I don't give a fuck about I don't not give a fuck about anything. I give about uh fuck about shit that matters. And like exactly that water bottle on the floor in my living room. If the if my cat doesn't care about it, then why should I?
SPEAKER_00You know what I'm saying? I mean, and if anyone were to question it, be like, well, a cat started batting it around, so I I left it for him.
SPEAKER_03If they question why there's a water bottle on the floor in my living room, I'll be like, mind your business. Fuck you. You're here to buy weed. Get the fuck out of my house. All right. I'll come to your place and ask you why you're fucking I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth. Yeah, that kind of attitude. That that saying. Nobody should ever question what's going on in someone's house unless they are like this fucking close. You know? And even then you have to bring it up as a joke. You know, like, ha, why's the what the fuck is up with that thing? Right. And then whatever their answer is, you never bring it up again.
SPEAKER_00A joke rooted in curiosity. Yeah. Which you can pull off. It can, it can happen. You can do that. People will not get mad if you if you if you definitely lean on the joke side of it, they're gonna know you're curious about it. Right. But you don't make it disrespectful. You joke about it. So it's not like you're judging them, it's like you genuinely find it funny. Yeah, you need to come across like it's genuinely funny and not weird.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, usually if anybody asks me about something like that, I just go, huh.
SPEAKER_00Uh whatever, dude. Are we gonna do this?
SPEAKER_03Uh or not. I gotta pee real bad. Well, I can I can do a thing while you're peeing. A thing? Yeah. Well, here's the thing. I'm in a good mood. Oh. And I kind of don't want to I I have a fuck you piece of shit, everybody. It's a long one. Oh, it's very it's like shit that genuinely fucking made me mad.
SPEAKER_00Oh.
SPEAKER_03And since I'm I'm in the I'm in the best mood I've been in in two weeks and I don't want to fuck it up.
SPEAKER_00Well, you might have an update before next week, too. Yeah. There might be something that colors it where it's like, oh, I will I'll tell the story differently next time.
SPEAKER_03There will be an update to it tomorrow because there's gonna be a meeting about it. So I'm sure that I'm gonna be definitely wait.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I'm sure I'm gonna have a whole fucking 30 minutes on this by next week. Fuck yeah. Well, I can do my thing. It's short. Well I think it's literally just an update. Yeah, is this a bucket piss situation? Sure.
SPEAKER_00Okay, sure.
SPEAKER_02Uh I might fit here.
SPEAKER_00I can do I can do the intro.
SPEAKER_02Fuck you, you piece of shit.
unknownThat was nice.
SPEAKER_00Uh I remembered. Uh I remembered my melody that I d I I think that's original. It's original. I think that's us. Uh I think it was me. I think I thought of it at work. Um all right. So you guys remember probably a month, month and a half ago, maybe-ish. Uh you remember that I I told you about. Actually, I can look. I can look here. Uh, it was goddamn. Uh uh, it was fuck. I'm scrolling, I'm scrolling. Tyler has paid me a lot of money. Uh okay, here we go. Uh it's my Cash App text thread, is what I'm looking at, folks. So that should clue you in. Remember back on, you know, around, I don't know, the 13th-ish of this of last month. So, like, I don't know, three weeks ago, actually, where I I fucking told you that this guy was asking me for money, and his wife had died, and uh he he was homeless with his cat, which I don't know how that works.
SPEAKER_03But uh and then mid-episode, I realized that I got the same message from the same guy and we had like a crazy moment.
SPEAKER_00All of that, yes. And we our souls bonded in that moment. It was great. So we kissed, and yeah, we kissed a lot. So then after all of that, which we paused for the make out sesh, but um then fucking It's on the Patreon. Yeah, on the Gaytreon. Uh so Gape Treon. So after that, I told you guys I didn't send him any more money. I just sent him the one, what, 20 bucks, I think, or 15 bucks, whatever. I sent him that, and then uh I was like, be well or whatever after. And fuck you for that. Then he asked me for more money, which I kind of knew was gonna happen, you know, but I thought he's gonna ask me for, you know, another twenty bucks, whatever, and I'm just gonna ignore him because I, you know, I'm I'm like a couple of bad things happening from being where you're at, dog. So I can't be just giving you all my money. That's crazy. Uh, you know, do I wish we had a a system that was more egalitarian? Sure. In a perfect world, that would be awesome, but we don't.
SPEAKER_03We do have a system in place that he's not taking advantage of.
SPEAKER_00That's true. Or can't for other bad choices he's made. But anyway, right. So this guy, he sent me the the uh initial he well, it was actually before that, because he wasn't sending me requests. So it was probably like literally a month ago, right? Uh when I first told the story when it first happened. It's like a week goes by. And he messages me for money again, and I just ignored it. And then a few days later, he doesn't message me again, but he sends me cash app requests for money, which is like Venmo has a similar thing, right? Yeah, I've never used it on Vimmo. All the yeah, all the money. Yeah, Zell probably does, whatever, like all the money thing, all the money apps. Uh probably have this. Facebook has it too. Oh, it does cool. Yeah, uh, so I mean, not cool that why would they do that? But uh, so May 13th, he requested $14. I'm just gonna read these. I'm just gonna read all of the the uh the date and the amount.
SPEAKER_03I remember the this one was about an Uber, right?
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah, the second one was about an Uber, and I ignored it. That's right. Uh uh about getting to his job or whatever, right? Uh or getting to the the whatever. So I I just ignored that one and uh blocked him or whatever. Not blocked him, but the other one where you hide their shit and then they don't know that you're hidden, that they're hidden, but they are so muted. Yeah, whatever that one, yeah, whatever it is.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I'm remembering now. Also, uh the first time you gave him money, the next day you saw he posted about like Xbox Live was more expensive now.
SPEAKER_00Well, no, that well, yeah. But I saw that that was like years ago when he first asked me for money. It was a little bit after that that he that he posted about Xbox how having an Xbox Live account. And I was like, Are you fucking kidding me? I'm never giving you money again. That's crazy. Right. Why would you do that? Like, it's not that you have the Xbox Live account. I get it. I I've pay PlayStation, but like, dog, you don't post that on the Facebook account that you've been using to ask a bunch of people on that for fucking money. Beg. That's stupid. So just the stupidity of it. I was like, dude, you are not moving and shaking in a way that like you're not hustling in a way that is respectable. Therefore, I don't respect you or your hustle, and I'm not giving you no more money. So and it's always been small amounts, like I've said, it's barely any money. I think I've given him fifty dollars over the course of six years. So it's really not a lot. And his wife died. So that's why I gave him the 20.
SPEAKER_03So urine drop in the piss bucket.
SPEAKER_00May 13th, $14. May 14th, $14.
SPEAKER_03These are requests, by the way, people requests. I'm not sending them.
SPEAKER_00Just requests. Uh May 20th, $14. That's such a specific amount. Uh May 21st, $8. So this is the next day. Then the next day. May 22nd, $8. May 24th, $7. What the fuck? Again, May 24th, $3.25.
SPEAKER_03$3.25.
SPEAKER_00How crazy is that? Like, what the fuck? Is that bus fare? What the fuck? $3.25 is nuts. May $5, $7. May 25th, $3.25.
unknownWhat the fuck?
SPEAKER_00May 26th, $14. And then, dude, and then it says, your $14 payment expired. The request from however many days. Oh, so now you got all these expired, expired, expired. It says God, yeah, dude, uh, 13 days for a bunch of them. Can you block him on Cash App? Uh, probably. He should. But uh, I just wanted this to be able to read them off. I wondered what he would do. I was like, I wonder how far he's gonna take this. And then uh yeah, uh, and then j now we're it's not even saying dates because this has happened recently enough. Thursday, uh, he asked for eight dollars. Sunday, he asked for seven dollars. Again, Sunday, he asked for three twenty-five. Dude. And then eight fifty-seven. Oh, wait, sorry, no, that was me. I had to I had to put my renewed debit card on my cash app to pay you, actually. Oh, yeah. Um, so then because it was funny, you I was begging for money. You messaged, and not really, but you you messaged and you were like, hey, it's it's asking for more money to be able to do the thing quicker. Is that cool for the band? And uh I said, I got you, and I'm sitting out here, my wallet is in my shorts on the shelf in the bedroom, and I was like, I'll just pay him in the morning, it's fine. Like, what's the difference? Like, I really what's the difference? Uh and that was I figured you wouldn't be mad that I waited 12 hours to send you the money.
SPEAKER_03That whole situation was was kind of funny, not ha ha funny, like awkward anyway, because I was like, I asked that and I was like, I was just gonna do that anyway. Why did I even ask? Like, I was totally willing to to come out of pocket on it because I wanted it, and I shouldn't have had to like put that on everybody else, whatever.
SPEAKER_00It's cool.
SPEAKER_03I mean, it is for everybody, but it's $60 for a year. Like, yeah, dude, I was excited about it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we're gonna have, yeah, we're gonna do more songs, so it's fine. Uh, I was I was cool with it. I was just like, he's gonna have to wait 12 hours for me to send that money because uh my debit card fucking uh uh expired on the 31st.
SPEAKER_03Funny little like a side note for you. My phone goes into sleep mode, like it I don't get notifications after 11 o'clock. Oh because I've had where like I fell asleep and then my phone rang and it pissed me the fuck off. Right. So I set it up in my iPhone where like after 11 o'clock, no notifications get through at all. So I sent that off, and then I was like, I'm retarded, I'm just gonna do it. And I fucking did it on my computer and I didn't open my phone again until the next day, and then I saw that and I was like, Oh yeah. I didn't think about it at all.
SPEAKER_00And that's that's so funny. You you probably opened it and saw it before I sent the money because I sent the money at like 10 or something. Right. And uh you probably opened it and saw it, and you were like, Well, where's this fucking money then?
SPEAKER_03I did not like it.
SPEAKER_00Where's Jake's goddamn money? I saw I'm gonna have to break his fucking thumbs.
SPEAKER_03No, I thought when you said I got you, it was just like I understand.
SPEAKER_00Oh, okay. I thought of it like I got you, like I'll I'll pay a fourth of this.
SPEAKER_03I thought it was just like a I get it.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03I understand what the message that you have sent me.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I mean, it was that too, I guess. It's kind of like actually it was 8 57, is when I changed the card over and I did it right after that. So it's probably nine. You got the money.
SPEAKER_03Anyways. In the morning?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, 9 8. Yeah. So, and it was like what whatever time last night that I sent. I got you. Uh, so it's actually 10 hours anyway. Uh today, actually, whilst we were recording earlier, I saw I heard my phone buzz, and I was like, I hope that's another one of those. That would be fucking fantastic. And it was at 6 18. Our uh our beggar and chooser uh asked for eight dollars. Dude, I just wonder, I I wanna know. Like part of me wants to call him on Facebook Messenger and be like, hey, like while we're recording and be like, hey, don't no no no, shut the fuck up. No no no no no no shut up. I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know. I'm sure it's sad, it sucks, I'm sorry for you. But how much money have you made in total from this? Because I know uh I have I I know for a fact that you don't even have to have met people to ask them for money. So I know I'm in the minority probably of people that you ask for money because you've actually met me. Sub-integer percentage. Most of the people just happen to be friends. They're in they're on the other side of a fucking circle of friends from you in some way, at a place you go to or whatever, and at your work, at whatever. So, like this motherfucker is probably requesting money from a hundred people. Like, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know what it is. I wanna know. I'm so curious about like is he making anywhere near as much like money is he how much money could he be making where it's like where you start to kind of respect it?
SPEAKER_03He's not keeping track, that's the thing. He's it's not like he has a ledger. He's just like flying by the seat of his ass. He's walking by fucking subway and going, I want a fucking Black Forest ham sub with American cheese. Let me ask Jake for eight dollars. Uh oh well. It's it's not, yeah. You know, it it there's a there's a part of me that I pushed down that while you were reading all that, I wanted to snatch your phone out of your hand and message him and be like, bro, you've got to stop fucking sending me this shit. Like, what is wrong with you? He hasn't been sending it to me or else he would have fucking he would have caught these hands verbally. I would have been like, are you fucking retarded, dog? Like, leave me the fuck alone. Even if I was nice enough to help you the first time, like you are fucking pushing your luck. Like, you're lucky I don't come beat the fuck out of you. Sending me 40 goddamn cash app requests, like straight up, I will stomp you to the ground. I'm sorry your story, sad. That doesn't give you the right to be a fucking douchebag.
SPEAKER_00No, and it it doesn't. And honestly, like there have been plenty of people who have had a a a spouse die who were able to continue like living without leaning on literally everyone on their Facebook friends list.
SPEAKER_03That's because most people have their shit together. And if if your spouse were to die tomorrow, insurance and jobs, all that stuff still exists. Right. It's just him and this lady, God rest her soul, are fucking losers. And they don't have anything, they don't have a safety net, they don't have any type of infrastructure in their life whatsoever. They're fucking losers. Well, yeah. I'm sorry that that happened to you and her, but fuck you.
SPEAKER_00This like the same thing about him that is causing him to be okay with begging for money constantly is probably the thing about him that has caused so many people to fucking walk away from him, and he burnt their bridge with so many people. He burnt the bridge between him and so many fucking people. That those two things are related. Like that is the same. You're a piece of shit first. Yeah. Then some terrible shit happens to you that you can't control, and that sucks, but you're still a piece of shit. All of at the end of the day, dog.
SPEAKER_03Like as far all of the things in your life that happen to you and the people closest to you are you and their responsibility. The most that you deserve is sympathy. That's it.
SPEAKER_01Sure.
SPEAKER_03If you don't have your life together enough to handle a situation when it gets thrown at you, it's still not other people's responsibility. Now, if it's your best friend in the world and some fucking tragic, horrible thing that was unexpected happens, and you know, something fucked up that is out of their control completely fucks them, help that person. But if it's a fucking stranger on Facebook, fuck you. Fuck you and fuck your problems. I have sympathy for you because somebody died. That is as far as it goes. And that sympathy lasted the 30 seconds it took me to read your message. I feel bad. Sorry about that. Close the message, move on. I'm not thinking about that dude and his dead wife at all until you bring it up.
SPEAKER_00Oh well, I'm I'm not either until I get the cash app fucking. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. I wanted to keep it alive until I fucking talked about it again on the show. I'm gonna block him, but like it's just like, dude, I I do feel for him if, dude, this is another another uh uh it's a good thing to end on, I guess. It's like it's like uh the same, it's the because it's not the good to do in the middle of the show. Here's here's me being a retard. Hold on, let me let me collect.
SPEAKER_03I've been retarded this whole episode, dude.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so now I got it. I've collected. So it's the the fantasy of like winning the lottery. And if we if we bought the these like blocks of this part of our town, and uh we could just be kingpins of these fu we'd be slumlords of these blocks around here, and that the fantasy of that's very funny. But and and to explore at the fucking shit ass end of an episode, fun. Riverside rating not in the middle.
SPEAKER_03We would be the Riverside Rat King.
SPEAKER_00Hell yeah, dude. That's perfect. That's awesome. We gotta start buying powerballs, dog. We gotta we gotta make this.
SPEAKER_03We gotta make t-shirts.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we gotta get ready for what we win. Yeah, dude. Riverside ratkings. Yeah, dude. We'd have leather jackets.
SPEAKER_00And we get e-bikes instead of motorcycles. We just steal lime scooters. Whatever like the extreme left-wing version of bikers are, that's what we are. We're like the extreme opposite end, but still gritty and awesome.
SPEAKER_03I'm an anarchist, but I support the environment. I stole this lime scooter.
SPEAKER_00I need Earth to be habitable long enough for me to take over, dog. Like for me, for me to create this anarchist state that I want. Uh but anyway, the fantasy is we fucking win the lottery, right? That's always the beginning of the fantasy. Sure. Because you win the lottery, because you have to have the uh unlimited funds for this, right? And you just throw. I'm talking like you throw $80,000 at him, but you go, hold on. You have to you, I'm I'm gonna send you a rig where you have to live stream yourself and your life. That's part of the deal. Right. The money gets cut off as soon as you fucking hit stop. Yeah. This is this is your body cam, motherfucker. And I might even send him a cop body cam, which is very funny because he is super a cab and left wing. Probably the only cool thing about him. And he he's like very anti-police. So to make him wear the brand, like I'll get the exact brand of that, like whatever it says, whatever body cam. Yeah, whatever body cam. It always says it on the body cam footage. I can't remember.
SPEAKER_03The letter N, the number four, sir.
SPEAKER_00In for sir, yeah. Body cam. Yeah. X C Y G, whatever that sounds cool and techie. It's got a blue line across it. Hell yeah, dude. It's got so much cop-coded shit on it. Yeah. Uh, just for the gag. So he has to wear a body cam. And then we own the streaming rights to his stream. Yeah. And we get to make fun of him in like recaps of his day. Yeah. And like how he lives and how he's like, he no longer is gonna have to beg people for money. That's the funny part. Yeah. Is that he's wait, the the funniest angle of it is to give him barely enough money to survive, just barely enough money to inspire his like day.
SPEAKER_03Here's the the like sadistic thing I thought of was we open up a joint bank account where he is like the every purchase he makes has to be approved by us. So we're watching it live on Body Cam. He's got his little fucking baby boy debit card, and he's trying to buy a fucking McDouble, and he swipes the card, and then we get an alert, and on this live stream it pops up, and it's like fuck boy's trying to buy a fucking chicken sandwich.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And we just go, not today, dude. Fuck that. Go get some Uncle Ben's rice pussy.
SPEAKER_00No, get that egg salad sandwich that's been sitting out for four hours.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. We have to approve every purchase. So it's like you have access to $80,000. Yeah. But every purchase you make has to be decided by us.
SPEAKER_00He's got like a whole streaming rig. So we have like a chat that we're talking to him on, but he doesn't know it's us. That's part of it too. Oh, yeah. We're shadow figures. He could like he could do some cancel culture shit on us if he knew it was us. He could get the right press person that'll fucking blast it and make us into assholes. Yeah. Which we would be. 100%. But he's the asshole first, and I'll stand by that.
SPEAKER_03100%.
SPEAKER_00Dude, that is a fucking perfect project if we were to get unlimited funds. It's a fun fantasy for sure. I still want to fully visit the fantasy of the slum lord. The I mean, you we have a name now.
SPEAKER_03You came up with the name, so more than anything, I want a leather jacket with a big fucking gnarly looking rat on the back, and it says River City uh Rat King.
SPEAKER_00Just every day, our neighbors who we own their house and they're paying us rent. But what's dude, what would be funny is I want to be like super socialist with it. Oh, yeah. And they're paying like $400 for a house. Like they're it's like so low even compared to even here.
SPEAKER_03Oh, it would be so socialist that our accountant would be sending them a full breakdown of every expense that we incurred to let them live there, and that is the exact amount they pay.
SPEAKER_02Oh my God.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Like, oh, the electric bill was this much, the water bill was this much, here was the property taxes, here's the homeowner's insurance, and here is the mortgage. This is the exact amount you pay. That's it. We break even, you get the most affordable housing you're ever gonna find.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Okay, sure.
SPEAKER_03I like that.
SPEAKER_00And we own dude, I would buy all this shit. I'm sure that would be pretty much. We charge them 69 cents. With unlimited funds. That's great, dude. Uh that's great.
SPEAKER_03We just like that's what I put, by the way, on our uh distribution thing for our song that's coming out soon. Yeah, because you could decide how much to charge people on Apple Music because they can either stream it or buy it. Yeah. 69 cents.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, nice. The uh the fucking uh the gas station over here would be out of cigarettes. Like they would have to have multiple shipments of cigarettes a day for all these motherfuckers around here, dude. Yeah, there's no way because they're now that they have so much more of their income they get to keep, they're gonna be fucking buying all kinds of shit they don't need. There's gonna be no alcohol at that gas station.
SPEAKER_03I was gonna say they're gonna need a shipping container in the parking lot just full of beer.
SPEAKER_00That gas station is gonna change.
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Like it's gonna legitimately ch the shelves will be completely different with what they have on them and the amounts of different shit.
SPEAKER_03I remember the last time we had this fantasy, I talked about the thing I would love the most is that we would just they would know who we are and we have an account there. We walk in, we grab whatever we want, we walk out. Yeah, that's it. You can literally walk behind the counter, grab your smokes, and just walk away.
SPEAKER_00Dude, we could probably buy the gas station. Yeah. And then you don't have to worry about any of that. You walk in, you get the shit, you walk out. Yeah. And since we own it, it's like, dude, if the till is wrong at the end of the day, who gives a fuck? Dude, inventory doesn't match. Well, who gives a fuck, dude?
SPEAKER_03I don't know about you, but that's where I'd work. I would work there. Dog. And we would just be like from clerks, the movie clerks. Yeah. We would just be guys that work at the gas station. We've got $800 million and nothing to do with it.
SPEAKER_00We'd have to have security at that point, though. The motherfuckers knowing that we are that rich. Bro. Chilling at the and we're always at the gas station. You think I don't got Huel from fucking British standing out front and uh a Bill Burr's character. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I got two guys with fucking big fat guns that are just hanging out out front like bouncers at a fucking nightclub. Hell yeah. Everyone gets in, but if you get out of line, you are going to be so bloody. We'll take the lawsuits. It doesn't matter. We won the fucking lottery, dog. It doesn't matter. Pain and suffering. Suck my dick. I got a Jewish lawyer. You're fucked.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I mean, here's $20,000 or whatever he gyps it down to. Yeah. Uh fuck. It's a fun fantasy. It is a great fantasy just to own this whole bitch. I mean, we could knock down houses. I want that fucking leather jacket so we could knock down houses and make our own shit. We could like, we could make like a practice a football practice field. Oh yeah. Where I can kick kicks and punts and, you know, pay people to play football with me. We could have Ryan Lee and throw us balls, dude. We could probably well, maybe not Tibetan. Tim Tebow. I was thinking Tebow, but he's probably too expensive at this point. Johnny Manzell. Oh, Manzell would show up. Dude, Manzel. Dude, tell him there's fucking beers and acid on the fucking docket. He would show up. Dude, under the table, Johnny, there's so much cocaine. Dude. Oh my God. Dude, what I would do, mmm, this is sick. Knock down some houses. Start get with a fucking arborist. Start planting a bunch of fucking trees. Yeah. Big big, like I mean fully grown trees. Bring in full grown ass trees. Redwoods. And then you do that at like in like the fall. And then you plant a bunch of fucking grass seeds or whatever you need to make it look lush and nice. Then come spring, start doing acid trips in the fucking Rat King Forest. Dude. Oh man, that's that's sick. Yeah. That'd be fucking sick.
SPEAKER_03There's so much fun shit we could do. Man. With unlimited funds.
SPEAKER_00That's why that's why people like us never do get rich. I know, dude. Dude, if you want to see this happen, because we'll be doing the show the entire time. By the way. Way more content because we're gonna have the time. Bro, we'll have like a fucking team of people following us around.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. It'll be like a it'll be a TV show at that point.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, dude. It'll just be like constant submissions onto the YouTube of like that day. It'll be it would the term is vlog, but it wouldn't read like a vlog at all. No. We're not gonna explain what we're doing in a coherent way like vloggers do.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I'm gonna be like, hey, camera guy, check this out. So this guy bet me that I couldn't fucking bounce this ping pong ball off the floor into his mouth. I get 10 tries. If I don't get it in there, I gotta give him $10,000. If I do get it in there, he has to put his finger in my butt or something, you know, something fucked up. Whatever.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. It's not, it's like the worst version of Mr. Beast.
SPEAKER_03It's Mr. Yeast. It's the most deranged, silly, stupid thing that you could do. I really like River City Rat Kings.
SPEAKER_00River City Rat Kings is a good thing. I wish that was the name of our show. A Riverside Rat Kings.
SPEAKER_03Riverside Rat Kings, that's right. My bad. Yeah. Riverside Rat Kings? I wish that was the name of our show. If we do a TV show, that's what it's called.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03I want a monster truck. I want to get all the Mexicans out of the trailer park down here. Yeah. Gone. What? Okay. Into better housing. Not like go back to Mexico. I mean, like, hey guys, here's all the money you need for better housing somewhere else. I don't leave anything you like behind because I rented a monster truck and I'm going to run over all your trailers now.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. It's going to be really fun and cool. What we what we would have to do just because I'm like, just because I I have enough of my parents in me. That if if we do that, I gotta go into the trailers and see if they left anything cool. Oh, of course. First. Yeah. We go into every trailer. We're not document every trailer. We're rich. We're not wasteful. Oh dude, this table's sick, dude. Fuck yeah. Or look for shit that to like to destroy. You know? Yeah. Look for shit to destroy in a different way.
SPEAKER_03If there's at least there's if there's twelve to thirty trailers over there, something like that, there's gotta be one Sabrero left over. Yeah. And that's mine forever. That's now mine. That's my sombrero.
SPEAKER_00Or like a poncho, like a drug rug, but not, you know.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. An Afghan.
SPEAKER_00The original thing that was poached into the drug rug, you know?
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00That thing. Whatever that's called.
SPEAKER_03Uh and this episode is so off the rails. It's nuts. It's an hour forty. Go beyond.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's an hour forty right now. We're just fucking around, basically. But it's fine. It's fun. It's fine. I feel like I I get it. This is why our friend Josh from here, the Josh from here, this is why he liked to get fucked up.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Like he did. Right. Because like I'm barely like starting the crossfade, and it's fucking perfect, dude.
SPEAKER_03Now you see why I drink all the time. Dude, it's perfect. Because drinking's rad.
SPEAKER_00It's an elevated thing. Like I'm, you know, oh, it's fantastic. Yeah. And it just put me in a great place to just fantasize about our own version, our own like jackass Dirty Sanchez YouTube show. Yeah. But not it probably wouldn't be on YouTube. It wouldn't be able to be on YouTube.
SPEAKER_03We would start our own platform.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we would. And just put the greatest hits on YouTube to get people to go to our shit. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_01Everyone.
SPEAKER_00It's all worked out at this point. We just need the money. So if there's any rich motherfuckers, if there's any benefactors potentially, we could start this thing. I just need two million dollars in my bank account that I know is secure and it's mine. And I'm all yours. We you know, if you we can collab on this thing.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00But it's gotta be fucked up and dirty and weird and like it's gotta be like that. And we gotta become Riverside Rat Kings.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I thought of this. A little alteration on your thing. If you don't like it, just throw it back at me. Sure, sure, sure. Riverside Rat Bastards.
SPEAKER_03I like Riverside Rat Bastards.
SPEAKER_00Uh a long time ago, my uh friend, uh bandmate, was like, he wanted to name a band the Rat B or Those Rat Bastards.
SPEAKER_03I like that too.
SPEAKER_00Which is great. For a punk band. It's a great punk band. It was a punk band, yeah. Great punk band. And uh he ended up fold folding some of those ideas into his next band. But anyway, fucking Rat Bastards has always stuck out to me. I like that. And it's classic. Honestly, I would give him his due, and if he's kind of gone like AWOL a little bit, but if he came back into the fold, we'd have him on. Sure. And we'd be like, dude, Rat Bastards is cause of you, man.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I stole it. I'm sorry, but I stole it. But here I am giving you credit and letting everyone know I got it from you. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry, but you're you weren't gonna do those rat bastards anyway.
SPEAKER_03So calm down. I just want to put in my uh I have a notepad file for the band stuff, and I've got this giant list of like song ideas, lyric ideas, song names, all that shit. Yeah, and I just want to put Riverside Rat Bastards as a song title.
SPEAKER_00Dude, it's nice. It's nice because that it's the area is known as the lower class area of our uh place of living. And I uh I think that's good. That bodes well. That it's gonna give the uh optics that were low class, but really we were sitting on all this money.
SPEAKER_03If we were over, if we were on the other side of the highway, yeah, that is also known as like the dirty side of town, yeah, I think I think we could be the the J Town jerk bags. Nice, that'd be kind of cool.
SPEAKER_02Jerk bags.
SPEAKER_03The J Town jerkoffs. Uh that's great. Yeah, yeah. The J Town jerk offs? Yeah. That would be kind of sick.
SPEAKER_00I mean, if you're going for crass, the J Town Jiz stains is pretty good.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I think just J Town Jizz rags is funny.
SPEAKER_03Keeping it just clean enough to be on the news is oh, right, yeah, okay. Because that's how we're gonna get blown up, is like it's gonna be so fucking insane and ridiculous that the news is gonna be out there like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah, yeah. It's like we bought half of this area, so fuck off. You're on my property. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00What are they gonna do?
SPEAKER_03If you don't like it, get out of here, dude. Fucking scoot back across the road that I own.
SPEAKER_00We're protecting this like the gay fella on the uh fucking The Last of Us. Yeah, yeah. Almost said The Walking Dead because it's similar and I'm fucked up.
SPEAKER_03Close enough, dude.
SPEAKER_00We're gonna be protecting this like the town I can't think of the name of in The Walking Dead. Yeah. We're gonna protect this bitch like Providence, Rhode Island. And I don't even know what that meant means. I just thought of thought of it. I'm repeating words because I'm fucked uh I'm doing the Chris Rock thing.
SPEAKER_03I was trying to find a way to like because Teddy Roosevelt like created uh public land and you know na nature or uh what the fuck are they called? He was a bro. What the fuck are those things called? State parks?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, those, yeah. And the the the you know, forest, whatever the fucks. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I was trying to preserves, yeah. Yeah, nature preserves and all that. Nature. I was trying to come up with a pun for that, and I I fucked up in my brain, and I got stuck on combining Fetty Wap and Teddy Roosevelt. Fetty Wap. Feddy Roosevelt? Fetty Wapsevel. And I was like, that's so cool. I have to say it, but I have to fucking figure out a way to explain how I came up with it. I was trying to like classify Teddy Roosevelt, and I was like, but I Fetty and Teddy was so cool. Fetty Wapsevelt. That's a crazy that's AI could make that into a very funny image. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Shoot some Teddy Rope.
unknownDang.
SPEAKER_03Teddy Rope's nose.
SPEAKER_02Dude, could that be a song?
SPEAKER_03That could be a song.
SPEAKER_02Teddy Ropseveld?
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00That's pretty good.
SPEAKER_03It's pretty sick.
SPEAKER_00And only we know. And well, now like 200 other people. Yeah. Well, only we know, guys.
SPEAKER_03In perpetuity, because one day it'll be thousands. Yeah. And they'll go back in the catalog and they'll be like, I don't remember the Teddy Rope days, but I know about them now, and that's pretty cool. Pretty sick.
SPEAKER_00Pretty awesome. Teddy Rope era.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. If it's 2028 and we have thousands of fans or whatever, comment on the newest episode Teddy Rope. Yeah. And then we'll be like, I'm so high. I have no idea what that means.
SPEAKER_00We'll be in the middle of the. Two years too late, brother. We'll be in the middle of buying uh our first couple of lots. Yeah. Yeah. That's what's going to happen.
SPEAKER_03Any fucking way. Yeah. I gotta get out of here, dude. It's time, dude. I gotta go home. Yeah. I've been fucking out and about since 6 30 this morning, man.
SPEAKER_00Gonna go shoot some ropes of elts in the fucking sink, dude.
unknownMy nuggle.
SPEAKER_00No, I haven't come in the sink in a while. You know your life's going well when you haven't come in the sink.
SPEAKER_03Oh, well, I was just about to say I did recently, but I guess my life's in the shitter, Jake. Thanks, bro.
SPEAKER_00God damn it. I should have thought about that. That you've probably come in the sink recently. I should have considered that. That's my signature move. Said what I said.
SPEAKER_03I only have three places I come. Start with S. You know this. I coined it. Yeah. Stink, slats, and socks. Dang it. God dang it.
SPEAKER_00I like that I am the only one who knows that you're struggling so hard right now because the fucking keyboard died. Yeah. Or my dog sat on it or something.
SPEAKER_03Wow.
SPEAKER_00Oh shit.
SPEAKER_03We'll just keep going for another hour. That's funny. That's so funny. I don't want to get up, so we're just gonna do three hours, so.
SPEAKER_00I mean, we do need to stop.
SPEAKER_03I gotta get out of here, man. Yeah, dog. You gotta get out of here.
SPEAKER_01It's getting late.
SPEAKER_00I got shit to do. My boy's up.
SPEAKER_03He knows it's time to tinkle.
SPEAKER_00He's zooming. Yeah. You wanna go zoom in the backyard, brother? Bye. Bye.