Fartmouth
The most raunchy, stupid, and irreverent comedy podcast on the internet. The podcast equivilent of getting a lobotomy.
Fartmouth
322 - Black Hole SON
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This week's show features...
- SPOOKS
That's just the way it is. I don't know any more of that song, by the way. There's a lot of songs like that where I just know the like first four tenths of a second. Yeah. And then I don't know anymore. I've been really trying, baby.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's one.
SPEAKER_02I don't know the rest. Trying to hold on to this feeling for so long. Oh, okay. If you feel or if I feel how you feel or something. Anyway. Perfect. Yeah, something like that. It's my favorite song. Let's get it on. Eventually it gets to let's get it on.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. It says sugar at one point. Yeah, he does. I remember sugar.
SPEAKER_02I would say let's get on with this cold open. Oh, okay. I can't remember any more of the song.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_04I figured maybe you know another song, you only know the f it's fine.
SPEAKER_02I I don't. Whoa, here she I know that's a good one. She's a man-eater. Thank you for listening.
SPEAKER_00Where woke minds can find sleep. Fart Myth University.
SPEAKER_02A cab includes the fashion police. I'm wearing this crown from Burger King. Yeah. Oh man, I like it when you're silly. I bought the fucking BK meal with my hard-earned cash. This is real. Keeping this fucking crown on.
SPEAKER_04This is real. This happened. No, I'm just kidding. When's the last time you went to Burger King?
SPEAKER_02Uh, when they had some sort of SpongeBob something or other.
SPEAKER_04Dude, I'm gonna tell you something that I hope to God, if I know you like I know you is going to make you as mad as it made me.
SPEAKER_01Oh, what?
SPEAKER_04Burger King in the UK has a fucking Wagyu Whopper.
SPEAKER_01That sounds fantastic.
SPEAKER_04Doesn't it? A Wagauper? You get a Wagooper? Zero fucking participation in that at all, because you're American. We're Burger King was invented.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_04And these fucking sloppy fish and chip eating meat pie motherfuckers get the wagaupper.
SPEAKER_02How do they even get through that with those fucking grills they got that are all fucking busted up and chipped and from all the pub fights they well I'm glad that you tried to participate in my outrage?
SPEAKER_04Wagyu is very soft and much easier to chew. Oh, sorry.
SPEAKER_02My bad. How do they get through the the onions? Uh that's what I meant.
SPEAKER_04Fucking mangle like those. Have you ever seen those giant fucking maws that they put refrigerators into with the steel teeth that grind them up? Yeah. That's a British mouth for you.
SPEAKER_02You remember that scene in it where he opens his like skull up? Yeah. Pennywise does, and he's got all those rows of like shark teeth going back. That's that's the average Brit, dude.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Yeah, they love that movie Dune because they can relate to the giant worm. Got a nice mouth, isn't it? Yeah, mate. He looks just like my buddy fucking pole. Mate Pole. He's real lumpy like that and whatnot.
SPEAKER_02I hate how British people say he's called Jim or whatever. They don't say his name is Jim. They say he's called this. Yeah. Like, I don't care what he's called.
SPEAKER_04What's his fucking legal name? 90% of their fucking nomenclature is all just like shit that little kids say in a technically. Me. Me? Dog, it's my.
SPEAKER_02You can't even speak your own fucking language. Are you a fucking pirate? What the fuck is this? Are you a cockney pirate all of a sudden? Yeah, dude. Piece of shit. It's my.
SPEAKER_04There's a why in that. No, shiver your timbers, asshole. Get away from me. Anyway, welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast, a show whose host was recently invited to a hog roast. Nice. Which was pretty exciting, right? Mm-hmm. Only when I got there, I found out that um I was the hog they meant to roast.
SPEAKER_02I didn't know if this was gonna turn into my mom being a participant.
SPEAKER_04No, that's a spit roast.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I was gonna, I thought you were gonna go there.
SPEAKER_04No, just a little fat joke of my own. Expect every week expense. Every week we do a few rotating segments and make each other laugh. I'm Tyler. I'm Jake. Let's get right on into the show. I don't all that do it preamble that we just at least we're not talking about the war this week. No.
SPEAKER_02Nope. That's Patreon stuff. The war. If you want to get our official takes on the war, you gotta join the Patreon and pay us $10 for it.
SPEAKER_04I agree. Uh we're doing it's spooks this week, guys. I hope you didn't have your hopes up for any of the other segments. We're fucking reading hilarious stories that other people wrote in earnest, and we get to laugh at their expense. It's pretty fun. Here it is. This is the drop for that uh segment.
SPEAKER_03Spook, spook.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. More organ. Morgan. Morgan and Morgan.
SPEAKER_02Morgan and Morgan.
SPEAKER_04I didn't realize that guy was a billionaire.
SPEAKER_02By the way, Morgan and Morgan, we would absolutely uh read your ads if you would pay us a lot of money.
SPEAKER_04You would never get a better ad read. No, ours would be sick. I would be fucking, I would be all over some Morgan and Morgan action.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_04I love that shit. Uh anyway, I was looking through my notes, and I only actually have one story this week. Yeah. And it is of Jake length.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_04Average.
unknownNice.
SPEAKER_04With a nice little bend.
SPEAKER_02Is it yeah? I was gonna say, is there some kind of a slight twist in the story? Because that that would be I think so.
SPEAKER_04I think there's a slight twist. M Knight Shama. Shamalama ding dong.
SPEAKER_02Well, yeah, I stopped midway because it wasn't like a full-on twist, but it was like close.
SPEAKER_04You hit me with a twist and a twist. Yeah, dude. Dude's Mr. Fucking Funnel Cake over here. Sprinkle some sugar on him because he's powder that little sugar plum. Jeez Louise.
SPEAKER_02I was gonna say he's done, but I was like, that's a different phrase. That's a whole total different thing.
SPEAKER_04No, we like to mash things together. Yeah. Like our like our ball sacks. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And then they're stuck together like wet Walmart bags.
SPEAKER_04Oh man, what would you do if we were like one day, like, uh, say like um you and I were watching a football game or something. Sure. And like, you know, this fucking cock fairy appeared and we chess bumped over something cool that happened in the football game, like we do all the time.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that would be sick, yeah.
SPEAKER_04So we chest bump all the time. Yeah. Uh, because we've made physical contact more than three times in eight years of knowing each other. Yeah. Um chest bump. And the cock fairy casts a spell, and our dicks get fucking uh like Chinese finger trapped together, but with flesh.
SPEAKER_02Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_04What are we doing? What are we well what how are we gonna how are we gonna navigate this? Uh I don't know.
SPEAKER_02Probably just never talk about it.
unknownYou know?
SPEAKER_02Probably just like, okay, I'm going home, and then we just don't talk about it.
SPEAKER_04We don't go home. We're stuck together by the dick. Oh, we're stuck stuck.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, what did you think?
SPEAKER_04Oh just just until the third quarter of the game?
SPEAKER_02Right. What the fuck? Okay, I get it now. No, we're trapped. No, you you know, you can't mention football to me without my brain going a bunch of different places. Sure. Uh, but and then I can't follow the three. American football, by the way. I know we were talking about the Brits earlier. Right, no, fuck their football. Didn't want you to get confused. That's part of the reason for the teeth. You're way more likely to get that shit just kicked into your fucking dome. That's fair. Your dome piece when you don't have a helmet. Uh, I don't know, man. What what do you postulate?
SPEAKER_04Well, I'm thinking like I like I have a job that I can kind of like the work from home thing is possible. So maybe I could, you know, some somehow rig the situation in our favor as far as work goes. Because like, you know, we live in society, we need money. So like I could potentially, you know, come to work with you. Cause you have you you do have a job that you have to be there physically every day. Yeah. Um, and maybe I could like prop a laptop somehow like in between us. Like I could get like some sort of you know how like the folk singers they do the harmon the Jeff Beck. I could Jeff Beck a laptop situation with a harmonica harness of some sort. Um and then I got a laptop in between us. And you can kind of you're gonna you this is gonna suck for you because you gotta be like twisted around like exorcist style all day clacking on your little fucking L C D printer screen of some sort, I guess.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, okay. So just so we're clear, we chest bump and then our dicks magically stick together. Yeah, and we can't separate them.
SPEAKER_04Well, unless there's one of us gets castrate or gets it cut off.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Uh well castrate is balls, I think.
SPEAKER_04I think it could be uh one, both, or the other.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. One or the other, or both. I thought it was balls, but yeah, maybe. Uh so unless one of us is uh Uniquized. What's that guy's name? What's the guy's name that had that happen and it was famous?
SPEAKER_04Uh Bobbit? Yeah. Lorena Bobbit did it.
SPEAKER_02Lorena Bobbit did it to John Bobbit. I think it's John Bobbit. Uh so I'm I'm either wife? Yeah, it was. Man. Um, I I want to say she caught him cheating, and that's why she did it. Um Yeah, I mean, that's the whole famous thing.
SPEAKER_04Right. Uh something about the dick. Went and got a kitchen. I would do that too. Bitches suck, dude. Bitches fucking suck.
SPEAKER_02I would never even dream if a chick cheated on me. I would never dream of doing any violence to her.
SPEAKER_04A guy cuts a woman's tits off and makes a fucking lampshade out of it, he's a serial killing piece of shit. Chick cuts a dude's dick off, she's a fucking hero. I want to talk about that now.
SPEAKER_02By the way, makes no furniture out of it. Zero.
SPEAKER_04No functionality out of the organ after it's zero interior decoration skills on that bitch, by the way. There's so many things you can do with a dick if you were to cut it off. This is where I'm supposed to list examples. I can't think of one right now, but I'm sure there's at least a half a dozen. Candlestick. Candlestick holder.
SPEAKER_02Boom. Candlestick. Uh you could fashion one into a computer mouse, possibly.
SPEAKER_04Oh, oh, right up the fucking seam? You you you snip it right up the seam, fold it out, boom, mouse pad. Trivet. Fucking what's the shit you take the stuff out of the oven? Oven mit. Boom.
SPEAKER_02I don't know how much protection.
SPEAKER_04Well, you know, they got the little the flat ones. Oh, yeah, okay. Not the one you stick your whole hand inside of. Yeah, yeah. It'd have to be a black guy.
SPEAKER_02You could uh there's something like a hand warmer, maybe. Oh yeah. To leave to put in your coat.
SPEAKER_04Dude, you could sew that thing onto a uh a jacket and make a pocket out of it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah. True, true, true, true. Uh try there's gotta be more that we're not thinking. Let's think of more throughout the episode.
SPEAKER_04Right, tube-shaped things that you could use around the house. There's definitely there's gotta be way more Spotify comment your ideas for interior decoration.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, like Ed Geen, but with a dick and uh like what you could do with that. Well, I mean, and and you can do whatever you want to it to turn it into the item, the household item, but tubular things are probably the funniest, let's be honest. If you have to Frankenstein it into something else, it ain't it ain't quite the humor effect of like, oh, that would be a great oh yeah, fly swatter grip. Oh just oh yeah, shove the metal clothes hanger like thing, handle thing down into the dick.
SPEAKER_04Hammer, like so many tools you could Yeah, dog. Yeah. Just put a put a hammer top coming out of it, a hatchet. Oh, dude, you could re-handle your fucking uh spat. I have to think of women things because you you pointed it out to me that it's all girl stuff. Yeah. Spatulas. Oh, true, yeah. Yeah, but the trivets are pretty fire.
SPEAKER_02I think we followed that to its uh coaster.
SPEAKER_04Bitches love a coaster.
SPEAKER_02Oh, flatten it out into a coaster. Oh, like they did on Jackass, where they put the fucking two pieces of plastic uh uh uh on top and on bottom and flatten their dicks, made their dicks all flat. Yeah. Just do that, but permanently. Agreed. Sick. Problem solved. There we go. Coaster. Coaster's the best one so far, I think. Make a pen. Have a little pen sticking out of it. Chicks love you. Click it.
SPEAKER_04Chicks love wacky pens, yeah, dude. Your chick has a fucking flamingo pen. I saw last time I was here.
SPEAKER_02You could put some fluff down at the base, you know? Yeah. Like make it look like pubes. Yeah. Those exist. It's not a real dick, but it they those dick pens have to exist, right? Cabinet handle, fridge handle. Yeah. Oh, put it on the water dispenser on the fridge, you know, if you're high class, if you if you're uh, you know the sprayer on the fucking sink. Yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_00Fucking water comes out pissing constantly.
unknownWater comes out of the tickle.
SPEAKER_02That's great, dude. A hose extend the end of a hose. Yeah, it is the end of a water hose. Man, that the flow on that's crazy. Right. I once heard a bandmate. You're gonna ask, Mike. Uh I once heard a bandmate piss and it legit sounded like a fucking hose being sprayed into the toilet.
SPEAKER_04There's nothing quite as exhilarating as finding out that a guy that you're pals with has a great has great prostate health.
SPEAKER_02Dude, this motherfucker, I don't know what I don't know what that means. Like like what other lazy shit my dog is trying to DJ the fucking show.
SPEAKER_04DJ Beaner, dude. Hell yeah.
SPEAKER_02He doesn't understand what things are, and so he put his paws on the keyboard. Good job, Beano. We're done with this bit anyways. I was I was totally vamping to try to get to a point, and uh, thanks, Beano. You saved me the voice of the fucking people. Yeah, move on! Shut the fuck up, Jake. Do something else, guys.
SPEAKER_04You didn't know what you were gonna say when you started talking, so shut the fuck up. Enough of the fucking uses for decocitation. Anyway. I'm ready for your story, though. Right. The second I okay, I'll do my story first. I guess we've decided. Uh I gotta cue up the music. It takes a second because I have to adjust the volume. Also, I was tripping out a second ago because I was looking at the screen and there's a gnat flying in front of it. Oh. Or a spider. There's a goddamn Jake's on fire today.
SPEAKER_02That was stupid.
SPEAKER_04There's a spider dangling from the ceiling, or a gnat that was floating in midair. I don't know, but it was fucking with my eyes, is the point. And we're gonna do spurgy spooks now that we're totally in the mood and ready for it.
SPEAKER_02Nat Burger King Cole. There it is.
SPEAKER_04Burger King. Brought me back to the wagyu rage that I had earlier. I feel like now that we've brought up the British, I have to read this whole story. Oh, fuck, I'm like a British person. This time, instead of pausing as uh long as I normally do to grab my beer and drink it, I'm gonna keep my beer in my hand as I read it. Nice. Be ready. I got the I got the Miller on deck.
SPEAKER_02You can't say be ready without saying beer.
SPEAKER_04It's still too loud, isn't it?
SPEAKER_02A little bit, yeah.
SPEAKER_04How is the six? I don't understand it either, dog. I don't get all of this decibel bullshit. Four. It's as good as I can do, guys. I'm sorry. Anyway, I'm sorry, Govna. I'm gonna do a real bad one. Okay. Because I don't wanna have to try that hard. Alright. If I really got myself into character, I could maybe do okay, but we're just gonna do a bad job. Let's do it. So my story for Spurgy Spooks. My story for Spurgy Spooks this week, mate. The day a new patient came. I went Australian.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_04How do I fix it?
SPEAKER_02I I don't know.
SPEAKER_04Fuck. The day a patient came. I work in a mental or a mental hospital. There we go. I work in a mental hospital. And I'm just a janitor. It pays a lot. And it goes to work there. Alright, so here's what's hard about this, okay? Because this is b the grammar is fucking atrocious. When I tell you there's not a single punctuation mark in this entire story, I'm not exaggerating even a little bit. There is not a single comma or period in the entire fucking story. Wow. So I have to do an accent while also reading a story that I can't understand as it's happening. We're gonna start over. The day I went to the day a patient a new patient came. I work in a mental hospital. I'm just a jender. It pays a lot, and it goes to it goes to work there, I get paid a lot because it can be dangerous jobs sometime. And I only mean sometimes really. It's really actually really good place. It's not like how you see in movies or how it was in past. Mine is pretty good. I love working here. I think I went back to Australian. They're all patient, they're all the they're fuck. They're all the patients are really nice. And when you get to know them, I can't not do Australian. Just do Australian, dog. I've been working here for five years. I personally started to pay for college. I'm still in college. I'm going for a master's degree. No the fuck you're not, dude. No the fuck you're not. Going for a master's degree. So after college, I'm probably gonna go become an ac archivist. I'm gonna become an archivist. I I really want to, but that's not what what fuck, dude. I'm I'm not exaggerating how hard this is. It's so I have to just read it normally.
SPEAKER_02I was gonna say you might.
SPEAKER_04I have to. I I'm sorry guys, I gotta bail on the fucking British Australian guy. Because this is so hard to read, I'm struggling to even understand what's happening. I'm probably gonna become an archivist. I really want to, but that's not what what it's important to the story right now.
SPEAKER_02God damn.
SPEAKER_04One day as I was working just cleaning up something and a paragraph. This is my fucking uh local chef? No, this is like my hardest thing I've ever done.
SPEAKER_02Whatever that is.
SPEAKER_04This is this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. This is so hard to read. Cause it literally is like, I'm probably gonna become an archivist. I really want to, but that's not what's what it's important to the story right now. One day as I was working, just cleaning up something. End of paragraph. A nurse called me over and I said, I really want to tell you something right now. We have a new patient today. He did murder people, many people, all seemed to be quick. Are you listening?
SPEAKER_03So unhinged.
SPEAKER_04Impossible. Are you listening? You should really listen. And unrelated to each other then. When all right. All I want for you to do, Jake, is I'm gonna hand you my phone and I want you to read this block of text. It's very short. I just want I want to see if you can do a better job than I did because that was so fucking hard.
SPEAKER_02A nurse called me over and said, I really tell you something right now. We have a new patient today. He did murder people, many people all seem to be quick. Are you listening? You should listen, and unrelated to each other when So what I'm gathering is this guy that's the new patient murdered a lot of people. Many people. Not a lot, many people, right? And they were all unrelated. Right. The people that he murdered.
SPEAKER_04And it and they all seem to be quick. Yeah, quick murders. Are you listening? You should listen. Yeah, right, right. And and unrelated to each other when.
SPEAKER_02And there's no quotes, there's no nothing. Like I'm dead serious. There's no No, I saw quotes, there's no nothing. It's just words.
SPEAKER_04It's it's hard to understand. Like, I'm trying to read it in a way that's like this. Is how it is. But there is no this is how it is. It's just a bunch of words.
SPEAKER_02God, I can't wait for how this story comes together at all.
SPEAKER_04I'm excited too. I have no idea where this is going. I know. The police got him. He did not. He he did not know where he was. And he was he got brought into questioning. That wasn't me fucking up. That was he was he. He was he brought into questioning and all that. But then he had to do a psychological test, and the therapist found that something, his mental development, has decreased. And stop that 13, the same age where he killed his parents, also is over. Talk about this someone name already. Just keep going.
SPEAKER_02I don't know what's being said.
SPEAKER_04I did mess up one word. Oh, okay. Okay. Uh that 13, the same age where he killed his parents, also is over. Talk about this someone named Slendy. My bad. I pushed her away and said, Why are you telling me this? I don't need to know a patient who is in the criminally insane ward. I don't work in that area. And the nurse said, I see where you got that conclusion. That he was in the criminally insane ward. But he's not. And the reason that I'm telling you uh I found I found it. I finally found the voice. Okay. The nurse said, I see where you got that conclusion. That he was in the criminally insane ward. But he's not. And the reason I'm telling you this is because head doctor told me to. And also, the patient wants you to let me finish the story, okay? That's the time I didn't know what to say. So I just nodded my head. And the nurse started. Hang on, I have to turn the keyboard off because the dog just laid on it. Dude, stop. Oh, the first period! The first period in the whole story. Right there. Wow. That's the time I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded my head. The period was not necessary. That's where the period because it's and the nurse started to talk.
SPEAKER_02Oh my god!
SPEAKER_04The story's a woman now. Yeah. And the nurse started to talk. And the nurse started to talk again. Look, when the therapist was talking to him, something came over in her head with like a vision. That's the right voice, isn't it?
SPEAKER_01That's great.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. And all the persons, people surrounding her, it was even brought up by the cameras and the microphones and tape recorder.
SPEAKER_00All the persons, people.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_00All the people, persons.
SPEAKER_04It was person with an apostrophe S. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_02Oh my god.
SPEAKER_04It was a voice saying, Oh, seem to have Jeff. Can I tell you something, something? Import. All the vessels I use for my murders are not responsible for the killings. So Jeff is not heavenly, criminally insane. He's just insane. Because what I did, what I did to all of them, have you ever heard of Sally Williams? Oh my god.
unknownWhat the fuck?
SPEAKER_02This is going nowhere and everywhere at the same time.
SPEAKER_04Dude. Oh fuck. Oh shit. Okay. Have you ever heard of Sally Williams? I gave her revenge. I gave Jeff revenge. I gave all my family revenge on the people who hurt them and made their life living hell. I am all of them did not kill people. I let them believe they kill it's easier that way. Jeff, sweetheart, just listened. Okay? Good. The other people in the mansion will join you soon, my child. Oh are we almost done? What the fuck is happening? The nurse pointed to a room and said, Jeff knows you. I looked at her and in a shaky voice said, I know Jeff. I knew him a long time ago. He used to be friends. He was a couple years older than me, but nice to me.
SPEAKER_01That's crazy that one guy can be friends. That's fucking crazy.
SPEAKER_04I don't think I'm ever ready to see him again, knowing what he did, but I'll try to talk to him, I guess. When I walked into the room, that nurse pointed towards I saw Jeff. And said hi.
unknownHi.
SPEAKER_04Remind me to play with me. I was a kid.
SPEAKER_00It's so funny.
SPEAKER_02Cause it's like when a little kid's trying to tell you something, and you you start to realize what they mean. Yeah. But 50 times in a row, this story.
SPEAKER_04Oh yeah. Yeah. Every fucking sentence is a whole new, like, oh, that's what you were trying to say. Yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_02Oh my god. That's so dude.
SPEAKER_04And I say sentence, but it's only like an implied sentence because we know we know where sentences end. Yeah. This dude. Oh my god. No, shot. I have to start that paragraph.
SPEAKER_02Dude, local chef is a fucking Nobel laureate compared to this person, dude.
SPEAKER_04Fucking top of every bestseller list. Yeah, dog. Dude, Oprah's book club with that fella.
SPEAKER_02Dude, yeah, local chef is Judy Bloom compared to this motherfucker.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Absolutely. Alright. I have to start that paragraph up. Yes. When I walked into the room, that the nurse pointed towards. I saw Jeff and said, Hi, remind me to play with me. I was a kid. You called me Tiffany. But that's not my name anymore. My name is now Kai.
SPEAKER_03I got it from say the fucking word. Never in my life have I been more surprised by a word in the middle of a sentence.
SPEAKER_04Oh my god. Oh my god, dude. M.n. Shamelan has nothing on the twist that I just fucking read. I've never seen that word in a sentence. Ever. And it's the funniest thing I've ever read out in my head, and I'm about to have to read it out loud. Okay. Gotta wipe the tears away. Holy fuck.
SPEAKER_03That's rough, dude. That is rough. That's so hard to read. Okay.
SPEAKER_04Okay. Remind me to play with me. I was a kid. You called you called me Tiffany, but that's not my name anymore. My name is now Kai. I got it from Ninjago.
SPEAKER_02So this is a trans person? Ninjago's a fucking Lego thing. I know. I know, but this is like a trans person, I guess.
SPEAKER_03I got it from Ninjago.
SPEAKER_02Not Tiffany, but Kai.
SPEAKER_04Oh my god.
SPEAKER_02Kai is a male name, right? Yeah, it's it's definitely transcoded. Okay, yeah. That's what I was thinking.
SPEAKER_04I got it from Ninjago. Oh my god, dude. Okay. I got it from Ninjago. Something at Lego crates. And it's also a show. Yeah, we know. Thanks for the Lord dog.
SPEAKER_02We know.
SPEAKER_04Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Okay. Jeff looked at me and and with a quiet voice, like a 13-year-old telling an adult they did something bad, said, That's cool, I guess. Just wanna play a video game with you, I guess. I said, that's good, we can play. That's the end of the story.
SPEAKER_02I I guess they were thinking they were gonna write a second part at some point.
SPEAKER_04I will do research and I will find out if there's a part two. My friend. But I got that from Nunjago was the funniest thing I've read. Probably ever. That's crazy. For my liking. What the fuck? He called me Tiffany. My name's Kai now. I got that from Nunjago.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I was I was like, oh, a lady janitor? Oh no, not a lady janitor. Fuck. Which, by the way, I think we are Okay. As dudes who watch video game content, more than probably the average, well more than the average American, let's say. Sure, yeah. Because there's a lot of chicks in America.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, Joe Plummer ain't watching Twitch.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, right. So and I don't I don't watch it a lot, but I watch like YouTube videos of like people surmise summarizing their whatever they did in a video game, right? So because we have that experience, I think our brains are trained to consider trans people to just hold them in like a higher esteem at the thing that they're doing. Because it seems like on the whole, trans people are pretty good at the thing that they're good at. You know what I mean? Right. Like they hyperfocus. Yeah, there's like a there's a microtonal guitar player trans lady that's fucking phenomenal, like so good. Uh and there's just like a bunch of video game examples, like there's a an outsized uh number of trans folks who are extremely like good at at a game, you know? That that just there's a disproportionate number. It's it's speedruns. Right, exactly. That's what I'm getting at. So like I think we are conditioned, dudes like you and I are conditioned to be like, oh, well, trans people aren't schlubs. They're like doing shit. They're like good at things. Uh not, you know, athletics or like, you know, not well, at some athletics, you know what I mean. It depends. You know what I mean. Like, like in general, our brain is not conditioned for that. But it's funny to hear this story of a trans janitor.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, they're usually written as like the hero of a story who's like way better at something that you you know you didn't see happening.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, like otherworldly skills at some shit. But no, this is just someone who plan A didn't work out for this trans person, but uh they decided I'll clean up the psych word, I guess. That's very funny to me. It humanizes them a little bit.
SPEAKER_04That's true, yeah. Yeah, that's what we need more of. We need like, you know how people get mad at like um they made the all-girl Ghostbusters and all the chicks were awesome and all the dudes were retards and shit. Right, right. You gotta stop with that. They gotta be regular everyday folk.
SPEAKER_02Patton Oswald had a bit back in the day um about how gay characters are always written to be the smartest person in the room who always has really good quips and really good advice, and they always have their shit together. But if you know gay people in real life, they're just like any other population. Most of them are fucking shitheads, just like everyone else. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, uh, but yeah, it's much like that. But this author humanized a trans person. That's nice. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Uh and if they themselves are trans, boy, are they not intelligent or quippy.
SPEAKER_02Uh, so correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure this is the final story. I believe I have not read this one. It's really long. Probably the longest local chef story we've had. I'm excited about that. It's called I Think My Stepdad Isn't Real. I have not read this one, right? You've teased it, but you haven't read it. Good, good, good. Okay, so here we go. It is flared, psychological horror. Oh, did Bino fuck up the keyboard?
unknownNo, it died.
SPEAKER_02Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_04Uh I didn't plug it in last week and the fucking keyboard died, so I had to get up and manually press the button.
SPEAKER_02Um okay, so here we go. I think my stepdad isn't real. Psychological horror from your man, local chef. I'm assuming man. I don't know, actually. Okay, so should I read this one black? It is stepdad.
SPEAKER_04I think we've I think we've I think we've discovered that um it's better after like the first paragraph or so to see how the story goes to decide how you're gonna read it. So you just read it straight.
SPEAKER_02You might be wondering, how is my stepdad not real? I mean, his body is, but his soul isn't. That's what I'm thinking. I want to vent out, to be honest. That's not how you say that in English. I'm going to give the dates on when these weird things started happening. And this isn't some story from five years ago. First of December, 2025.
SPEAKER_04Black people not good with dates, by the way. Oh, yeah, true, true, true, true, true.
SPEAKER_02Uh sometime in December is what it would say. Uh maybe at the beginning. It might have been late November now that I think about it. Um, anyway, that's not in the story. I had made all that up. Uh I just woke up in the middle of the night. I looked around confused. My door was open. I always keep it shut. I sat up. I really hate there's a lot of eyes at the beginning of sentences, motherfucker. I really hate sleeping with my door open. I stood up and looked at my door. I stopped moving. I felt like I was seeing an outline outside my door. It's pure black. My window is on the right wall, and there's some We don't know how your room is set up yet, motherfucker. My window is on the right wall, and there's some light coming in from a street lamp. So if I was outside my door looking into my room, I could see if anyone is there while being fully hidden. Well, not fully, because you just said you saw this other way. I squinted my eyes, trying to adjust to the darkness until something started to show. It looked like a forehead. Okay. That that's not the part of the face that sticks out.
SPEAKER_04It's a goddamn five head if I recollect.
SPEAKER_02I started to wonder. I I might try a black. I started to wonder if I'm seeing shit. So I spoke up. I think seeing shit made me makes me want to lean into the black. Hello? I said, nothing replied. It's Adele. Then I hello. It's me.
SPEAKER_04Is it me that your forehead you see?
SPEAKER_02Even though I lost all this weight, my forehead's still real big. Um hello? I said, nothing replied. Then I started to cough a little. It felt like someone or something put some weird gas into my room. And I'm not Jewish. Uh it doesn't say that. While I was coughing, I think I heard fast footsteps running away, but I don't know, as it was covered by me coughing. Nice, nice good job covering your ass. Hello from the pile of skinny bodies. Um after a bit, after a bit, I stopped coughing. Now I fully adjusted to the darkness. I didn't see any outline. I turned around, grabbed my phone, and pointed it at the door with my flashlight. Nothing. I walked to close the door, but then Milo, my cat, came into my room and jumped on my bed. I looked at Milo. She looked pretty scared. I closed the door. Sixth of the Sixth of December. Sorry, that was my fault. Got something cum in my throat. Sixth of December. I left my room to go downstairs. While I walked towards my staircase, my stepdad bumped into me. He's a big guy, tall and wide. My head hit his chest and I stumbled back. You good? He said, putting his hand on my shoulder. You good, little butt?
SPEAKER_00You good, young blood? Uh I just got done fucking your mama.
SPEAKER_04Um You see my pack of new ports. I need a smoke after smoking that ass, you know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_02No shit. I need a smoke after clapping your mom's cheeks so hard. Um we was in plank position, if you wanted to know. Uh if you was curious, um putting my hand, putting his hand on my shoulder. I nodded and took his hand off my shoulder. I didn't look into his face. I tried to go past him, but he blocked my path. Let me go, I said, trying to squeeze my way out, but that wasn't happening. What's your problem? He said, pushing me away. The problem is. Look at me while I speak to you. He grabbed my chin, making me look at his face. He has blue eyes. Oh shit, that kind of fucks it up, doesn't it?
SPEAKER_04Stepdad's a wigger. Which was weird as fuck, because he was black and they ain't never got blue eyes.
SPEAKER_02Stepdad's a wigger. I'm I'm calling it now. Alright. Uh his stepdad is uh his stepdad is uh what's the 90s singer? The uh really know what it's like. What's that guy's name? Uh Uncle Cracker. Uh no.
SPEAKER_04Oh. Don't you really know what it's like.
SPEAKER_02You guys know at home. You know who it is, who I'm who I'm talking about.
SPEAKER_04Is it might know what it's like? Uh that's uh Bradley from No, no, no. It's then you really might know what it's like to have to choose. That guy, yeah, yeah, that guy.
SPEAKER_02That's uh what is that guy's name? It's the the f the guy, the fella. Maybe okay, yeah. That guy. That's who I'm picturing as the stepdad.
SPEAKER_04It's it's it's Fred Durst. Let's just singer from uh That guy and the fellas.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, he he is. He's from a group and then they split up. He did his own thing, and he's been going for a long time. He's still going, and I can't remember his name. Sorry, fella. Sorry, heavy set white bigger guy. Uh but anyway, let's just say it's Fred Durst. He has blue eyes, he's a wigger, it works. Uh it's all about the wear yoke. And it's gonna be fun to voice him now. Please do Fred Durst. Look at me while I speak to you. He grabbed my chin, making me look at his face. He has blue eyes, but now they look more brownish. I didn't want to point that out.
SPEAKER_03Chocolate starfish. He's got chocolate starfish eyes.
SPEAKER_02And then he started spitting hot dog flavored water into my face.
SPEAKER_03I'm about to break stuff.
SPEAKER_02No, stepdad, you can't have my nookie. Um uh he says it's his way or the highway. Uh I'm about to keep rolling. Just like your father.
SPEAKER_03Uh no wonder your dad kept rolling, rolling, rolling.
SPEAKER_02Can you just let me go? I pulled his hand away from me. I thought he was going to do something, but he just took a step to the left, making a way to go downstairs. Making a way, I cannot see that or hear that without thinking of Vanessa Carlton. Yeah, man. Yeah, and it's even not the right phrase, but just that just fully put that earworm into my brain.
SPEAKER_04What's even worse is I can't, I I don't even see Vanessa Carlton. I see fucking uh Terry Cruz.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02You see the narrator of the story. Yeah. Uh making my way downstairs. Past stepdad. I thought he would hit me, but he didn't. Uh Thanks, I said, rushing down the stairs. While I was sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast, I noticed my mom watching TV. I smiled while I was about to take a bite of my sandwich. I felt fingers slide into my hair at the back of my head. I heard Retrick Records scratch it in the back. I throw it. Uh I saw my mom turn her heads towards me. Turn her head, sorry, I fucked that up. Towards me, but it felt like the world was in slow motion. Then bang, whatever was holding the back of my head bashed my head onto the plate. I heard my mom scream, Are you alright? The world wasn't slow anymore. I heard steps going fast towards me. She lifted my head up because I couldn't. My forehead was bleeding. Why did you do that? My mother said. I looked at her. I didn't. Someone did. I said. Her face showed me she didn't believe me. Well, we need to find out who did so. Who did so? She hugged me. And then my stepdad said, You know I pack a chainsaw, motherfucker. Um after that day, my motherfucker.
SPEAKER_03It's just one of those days.
SPEAKER_02It's just one of those days. My stepdad slams my head into my plate. Uh after that day, my mom sent me to a therapist. I don't know why. She doesn't believe me anymore. At night, when I was going to piss, I heard her talking to her boyfriend about how worried she is about me.
SPEAKER_04If it's her boyfriend, he's not your stepdad, dude.
SPEAKER_02He's just a dude that's plowing your fucking mom. That's it. He's just Fred on the fly, dog. Yeah, dog. He's Fred Flintbone, you know what I mean? How am I gonna prove to her that I didn't do anything wrong? 10th of December. I had a great day outside with my friends. A lot of snow fell. So I was outside for about seven hours, with breaks, of course, to heat up at my friend's house. His dad is very nice. Nice. I like that detail, actually. Yeah. His dad ain't like my fucking stepdad. His name was Wes Craven. Or uh what's the Wes Claypool or let goddamn it?
SPEAKER_04No, not Les Claypool. What's his name?
SPEAKER_02What's the fucking guitar player?
SPEAKER_04God damn it.
SPEAKER_02Wes Wes Borland. Borland. God damn it.
SPEAKER_00Fuck me. We thought of every other Wes and Les. I even thought of a Les. I can't even do it, dude.
SPEAKER_02They are affiliated though, so Les Claypool's not a crazy jump from Limp Biscuit.
SPEAKER_04And West Borland and West Craven, they're famous. Yeah, they're famous.
SPEAKER_02There's not that many Wesleys that are famous. Give me a little grace, faggot. Snipes, Borland. You know, how many more? All bad with money. Who cares? All had a good run and then eh. Not so much. Yeah. Fuck me. Um when I got home. Oh, I started to read it white. Hold on. When I got home, I forgot about my problems. I left my room to go to the bathroom. This guy goes to the bathroom a lot in this story. Oh, yeah. We have our washing machine in the bathroom. Okay. It's a black family, dude. Come on. That's fair. That's fair. And the power socket inside doesn't work. So we use the hallway power socket. With a power strip.
SPEAKER_04Even the power strip is black. There's fucking chicken grease dripping off of that extension cord. I'm telling, I can see it right now.
SPEAKER_02Holy shit. There's so many dust bunnies on that fucking extension cord, dude.
SPEAKER_04Dude, that's the most like uh visual descripture descriptor he's ever used. The power socket in the bathroom doesn't work, so we have an extension cord going to the hallway?
SPEAKER_02The dust bunnies are so plentiful on this extension cord, they have four litters every spring. Oh my gosh. They're dust hairs at this point. Nice. Uh so we use the hallway power socket with a power strip. Meaning the door has to be open a little so it doesn't crush the wire. While I was pissing, I started to look around the bathroom like I always do. Forgetting that the door is slightly open, I looked at the door. I saw that someone was peeking through the crack. I jumped. I pissed on the floor before aiming back at the toilet. Dude, he's getting better.
SPEAKER_04These are very descriptive.
SPEAKER_02Mom!
SPEAKER_04Someone's looking through the door.
SPEAKER_00Mom! Mom!
SPEAKER_04Yeah, this black kid turned fucking ghost white real quick.
SPEAKER_02Mom! My complexion's like the palm of my hands. Uh, I screamed. I screamed. That's when the someone ran away. I could hear its footsteps running away, but it was masked by my mother's steps. She came in. I had already finished up. What happened? She said, crossing her arms. This is a black mom. Like, goddamn. What had happened? What had happened then? What you talking about, baby? Who looking at you? Uh, there was someone peeking through the crack of the door. My mom looked at me, one eyebrow raised, like the rock. It doesn't say like the rock. I said that. She hit me with the people's eyebrow, then the people's elbow. You smell what the bullshit's cooking. She rock bottomed me into the bathtub. I smell the bullshit you cooking, boy. Uh then my stepdad came in. What's going on? He looked. He looked at me and my mother. There's a there is a paragraph break after he looked, by the way. Those are tough, man. In in fucking local chef fashion, dog.
SPEAKER_04Dude, when there's a paragraph break mid-sentence, that's tough.
SPEAKER_02That's tough to read. He says someone was peeking at him through the open door. Now he had his eyebrows raised like the rock. Come on, Mark. You should stop watching scary videos. He's Marcus, by the way. Yeah. Come on, Marcus. You should stop watching scary videos. Um, Marquise. Or whatever you're watching. You 15. You were teen, not a baby. I looked embarrassed. He was right. Oh, that was fucking Fred Durst. God damn it. He was right. Maybe I am being a fucking baby. My mom left. He looked embarrassed. Because he didn't blush. They don't do that. My mom left, but he stayed. I was washing my hands and noticed the door was slightly opening, and he was standing still, just looking at me. I just stared at my hands, too scared to face him. Then I could hear him walk forward. I felt him swiftly move around. Leaning down, I could feel his breath on the back of my neck.
SPEAKER_04You know how they tell kids to sing like the fucking ABCs when they want to. All you gotta do is one chorus to Nookie. When you wash your hands, get it all for the Nookie.
SPEAKER_02Come on. You can substitute anything off my first two albums. Very consistent chorus length. We were fitting the top 40 formula trying to get famous. Uh come on. Yeah. Yo, lately I've been skeptical. Silent when I would use to speak. Um I'm just I'm just it doesn't have to do with the story. I just wanted to say that. So you guys know I'm down. I'm down with the biscuit. Uh all right. Uh the back of my neck. He's breathing down the back of his neck. You will see. He said his voice was different. It sounded old. He was 27. What? You're 15? Your mom is robbing the fucking cradle, dog. That's crazy. Yeah, that's wild. He then quickly left the bathroom. 16th of December. 16th, sorry. I heard my mom arguing with him.
SPEAKER_04Tink.
SPEAKER_02It says with her boyfriend. I fixed it for him naturally, but I'm not gonna do that from here on out. I will stop myself from using pronouns in a way that makes sense in the story to push it along. I heard my mom arguing with her boyfriend. I left my room to check it out. Bad idea. Why the fuck would you do that? Just listen, and if you hear him hit her, call the cops. Like, what a fucking retard. They were just arguing like always, but I noticed that my stepdad's forehead was different. Like it was much larger than before. I sat down on the stairs. He didn't have his red uh bottle, his red baseball cap backwards. He didn't have his bucket hat on today. I sat down on the stairs. Then the arguing just stopped. I was confused. I was about to peek to check what happened. Then I heard a voice right behind me. Don't. I froze. I was shitting myself. Now I didn't recognize the voice. It didn't sound like a male or female. Then it spoke again. If you check, you will die. Go back to bed.
SPEAKER_04Oh shit.
SPEAKER_02I slowly turned to start heading upstairs. Then run. I could hear steps running towards me. I ran up. I tripped, but something pushed me up. The steps were fast. I ran to my room. I felt whatever was behind me was a hand away. I got to my room, closed the door, and sat in front of it, blocking it from opening. I just sat there. I looked up at my window. It was open. I didn't open it. Then Milo came into my view. He was outside this whole time. Milo jumped on my desk and then on the floor. He came to me and laid down on my lap. I calmed down and I started to listen. The arguing was back. 17th of December. I fell asleep on the floor, blocking the door. Milo was still sleeping on my lap. It's like she knows I'm scared. I looked at the window, it was closed. I looked at my bed, it was moved. And now on the wall there was this hatch that was open.
unknownWhat the fuck?
SPEAKER_03What the fuck?
SPEAKER_02This just gotten into stranger things territory.
SPEAKER_04Dude, this guy, local chef, fucking loves openings that go to other places.
SPEAKER_02He really does, yeah.
SPEAKER_04Elevators, fucking boxes that are doorways and shit.
SPEAKER_02Tunnels under the fucking mall or whatever. 100%. Yeah, yeah, you're right, Doug. Yeah. I stood up making sure Milo wouldn't wake up. I carried her like a child. She didn't wake up. I walked over to the hatch and looked inside. It's a room. All wooden. I walked inside. There's a single chair facing a window. I walked towards it. I looked and noticed a rope on the chair. I looked at the window. I went closer and looked through it. The outside is beautiful. The snow, the trees. There is even a family of rabbits jumping around. They remind me of the dust bunnies congregating around my power strip in the hallway. Uh, sorry. Uh the rabbits jumping around was actually something. Milo finally woke up and chased the rabbit. No, I'm just kidding. That's what he would have done though. Milo finally woke up and jumped out of my arms. I looked at her. She was just sniffing around. You know, sniffing like cats always do. No, they do a little bit of this. Then I heard a knock on my door. I worried and quickly walked to the hatch and looked at my door. Hey sweetie, you okay? It was my mom. I took Milo and left the room, closing the hatch. I know you're there, baby. Please open up. I put Milo on the floor and pushed my bed to its original position. Then I opened the door. My mom was standing there. She smiled when she saw me. She ran her fingers through my hair. I felt like I was five again. Come downstairs. I made you breakfast, mom said. She walked downstairs. I followed behind. My stepfather was cooking something.
SPEAKER_03Mom made a big old pot of grits, baby.
SPEAKER_02We got collagens down here. Uh mom looked at me and patted the chair. Come on, we made your favorite, uh, mom said. Then my stepdad put the plate down. A plate of spaghetti. For breakfast? I get to eat this rarely. I smiled and started to eat. They are poor. While I was fucking spaghetti for breakfast is a delicacy in this household. While I was doing so, the spaghetti felt different, tasted different, but I didn't pay attention. I was too happy to eat this. I noticed though, my stepdad was acting nice, not being a dick. I liked him this way. He even went over and ran his fingers through my hair. That's weird. Like I felt like he did this before. 19th of December. I'm playing games on my computer. I looked at the window. It's dark outside. It was definitely need for speed. Or 2K. Yeah. Maybe even San Andreas. I see a lot of myself and CJ. Uh anyway. Then Milo jumped onto my desk. I pet her. She then started to meow at something. What's up, Milo? I said while petting her. She kept on meowing. I turned to look at what she's meowing, but that's or where she's meowing. That's better. I stared at my door, but it's open. A hand comes out of the darkness, holding a plate of sandwiches on it. I stared, confused. Milo stops meowing. I wish it was a cookie. I stood up and walked toward the door. Take it. It's my stepdad. Why are you hiding in the darkness? I tilted my head. Just take it, boy! He said. Then the smell of alcohol hit me. I took the plate, his hand returning into the darkness. Why you drinking again? You told me you would stop. I stood there, looking into the darkness, not knowing if he left or not. But the smell of alcohol told me different. It says differently, but I wanted to read it so bad it's different.
SPEAKER_00I'm I'm sorry, he spoke.
SPEAKER_02That's more Jay-Z, sorry. Uh I'm sorry, he spoke, then closed my door. I stood there, facing my door. I looked back at Milo. She was licking her paw. I sat back down, putting the plate in front of me. I took a bite out of it. Okay. It is a sandwich. My bad. My brain went to spaghetti, but it is a sandwich. Right, right. I bit into something hard. It felt like a pill, but I just swallowed anyway. You fucking imbecile. You dumbass. Dumbass dude. First of January. Oh, so nothing nothing weird happened through the holidays. The holidays went swimmingly, I guess.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, Fred don't fuck around with Christmas.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yo, we have a good Christmas around here. Um, I was put into my grandparents' house because my mom and stepdad were doing something. I spent Christmas basically alone, but I had Milo.
SPEAKER_04Hey, you gotta dish this fucking brat. I need to get some pussy.
SPEAKER_00I need to get some nookie, boy. Uh yeah.
SPEAKER_02Uh I'm home finally. I noticed that my stepdad has infected my mom with alcohol. I just hope she won't become like him. I started to clean my room while Milo just sat on my bed and looked at me working. I know Milo. I grabbed trash from the floor. He is nice when he drinks. I threw the trash into a trash bag, but it isn't truly him. It's just the alcohol. I want a person as a friend, not some liquid. I sat down next to Milo. Thank God cats don't drink alcohol.
SPEAKER_04Can you imagine if you said that to me? I would punch you in the face. Tyler, you have to stop drinking so much beer. I want a person as my friend, not a liquid. I'd be like, You have nothing as a friend now, you fucking loser.
SPEAKER_02You don't have any friends, bitch. Get away from me, you fucking dork. Thank God cats don't drink alcohol. That's great. That's a great line. I looked at the wall where the hatch is. How about we fully check that out? That's in quotes. He says that to his cat. I stood up and pushed the bed away from the wall. I closed my door with a key and went over to the hatch. You had this key the whole time, okay. I opened it, but it was slightly difficult. The house is from 1846 when we last used those weird big ass kids.
SPEAKER_04Did I mention we moved into an old bank?
SPEAKER_02Did I mention that there's still like drawers all over the walls in my room? Lock boxes and shit. 87 of them, as a matter of fact. I feel like Al Capone breaking into a fucking bank every day. Oh man, that's great. Uh I stood up and pushed the bed away from the wall. I closed my door with a key and went over to the hatch. I opened it, but it was slightly difficult. When I finally got it open, a weird smell came from it, like rotten eggs. It made me slightly lightheaded. I went over to the window and managed to open it. The fresh air felt nice. I turned around and noticed the chair. Why is there a rope on it? I went over to it and took it into my hams. Hands, goddammit. Into my hands. I wish it said hams. Fuck. Took it into my hands.
SPEAKER_04He's just hungry.
SPEAKER_02He's talking about spaghetti and sandwiches and hams and shit. Hold on, I I gotta I gotta start because the next sentence is ninjago level. Oh no. I went over to it and took it into my hands. Yep, this is a rope. Fucking investigation concluded. Thanks, Watson. Thanks, dog. Oh shit. Watson with two T's. Like the city that black people are from. Uh I looked forward and noticed Milo in the left corner of the room. I walked over to him. It's a she, you fuck. It's been a she the whole story. Yeah. God damn it. Oh no. I walked over to him and noticed. I walked over to my trans cat. My trans cat. I didn't mention over the holidays. My cat transitioned on Christmas. It was right when I got him that new meow mix. Uh so hormones in the meow mix. Back to Alex Jones. You're making the cats gay. I'm a Christian. Okay. I walked over to him and noticed some photos on the wall. My cat's a transgenitor. Uh I took them off and looked at them. It was a photo of a woman blonde, beautiful, very tall. Iggy as alien. I hope my wife.
SPEAKER_03Oh my god. That is the worst fucking example of that you could have possibly thought of. I know. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_02But it's a black story. Holy fuck. I forgot she existed. What was her song even? She came and went so fast, I don't remember her song. It's not my lumps. No, that's Fergie. Another trash ass white bitch. Fuck, what was trash ass wigger ass white bitch. What was Iggy Azalea's song? Fergie might have been like partially ethnic. I don't remember. But yeah, Iggy Azalea might have been too, but she looks white. She looks the part. I'm gonna give it a goog. Yeah, give that a goog. Uh, but I just like that blonde. God damn, she's 5'10. And very tall. Yeah, very tall. I hope my wife would look like this.
SPEAKER_04It's gotta be Iggy Azalea. Because she's tall. What's her song?
SPEAKER_02What's the single? Fancy. Oh, is that it? Really? No, that's Fergie too, isn't it? Fancy. Is it really fancy? Work.
SPEAKER_00You're ready now.
SPEAKER_02Whatever. Okay, that's her. Wow. Crazy. She sucked anyway. Her raps were terrible.
SPEAKER_04All the pretty girls walk like this. Yeah, that's right. And yeah, anyway. I think that was her.
SPEAKER_02People were super attracted to her, and I never got it. But anyway.
SPEAKER_04No, she's fucking garbage, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Complete garbage. Uh alright, so. I hope my wife would look like this. He's 15, by the way. Besides this and the chair, the room was empty. I sat down on the floor and I fell asleep. You're really comfortable in this mystery hatch room you didn't know existed until like a month ago. Like, what the fuck? His main characters are always the weirdest fucking people. They really are, dog. When I woke up, I felt my head spinning. I heard some banging downstairs. Imagine falling asleep in a rotten egg room.
SPEAKER_04A hatch in the wall of your room that you've lived in for years that was never there before.
SPEAKER_02Your cat falls asleep, so you do too.
SPEAKER_04Like there's a chair with a fucking rope in it. That you have confirmed is in fact a chair with a rope in it. Yep, that's a rope. It's creepy, it's weird, the cat is bugged out, and you're just like, I'll nap here.
SPEAKER_02Wow, that's crazy. I heard some banging downstairs. I got on all fours, and then on my feet. It felt hard to stand up.
SPEAKER_04I left the room. That's why Milo's a boy now, he just turned into a cat.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I felt the room. I left the room. God damn, my brain dyslexia at that word. I scurried out of the room and meowed a bit. Yeah. What are these long ass hard hairs on my face? Um, I left the room and stumbled my way to my door. I couldn't see Milo anywhere. I fumbled with the key to my door, but I managed to open it. When I left my room, the banging was louder. It even started to hurt my head. I stumbled down the stairs. Didn't you say the noise was coming from up? No, he said down. Okay. I stumbled down the stairs. I even fell down at the last two. It took me Me a bit to get up, but I finally did. I walked to the door where the banging was coming from and slowly opened it. You should know what door that is, by the way. My mother was on the bed and my stepdad was on top of her. It looked like he was eating her. Oh, I bet he was. I bet he was. Dude, Fred definitely eats. Like, there's no way. Fred is not. Fred is so like he knows where a woman's clit is through their pants. Like he already knows exactly where it's at.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, he's got clit dar, dude. Yeah, no. He's got fucking dried pussy juices in that long gray beard he's grown every day.
SPEAKER_02Dude, he's got navy fucking level radar being able to find the man in the boat. You know what I mean? Yeah. Uh that was a nautical joke. Hell yeah. His eyes, he didn't have any. I stumbled back, so he can't do the cover that they're famous for. When he and her turned their heads to face me, my eyes widened. Something pushed me back on my feet and spoke. Go back to the safe room. I guess it should be nice. Go back to the safe room. What? Oh. I said, y'all don't know shit about my generation. Um go back to the safe room. Go back to the safe room is in quotes. Like he said that out loud to himself after his not parents just turned and saw him. That's crazy. Maybe he was telling Milo. When that spoke, the things that looked into my mom and stepdad looked like my mom and stepdad started to get off the bed. They were infused together. Like our fucking creation.
SPEAKER_00That's crazy, dude.
SPEAKER_04It always comes full circle with the chest.
SPEAKER_02He's reading our fucking minds. I ran as fast as I could. I could hear their one body hitting the floor. And when I was running upstairs, you could hear their body hitting every step. When I got to my room and locked it, it was quiet. Then they started to bang on the door saying, Let us in. Their voices mixed into one. Go. Safe room. That's in quotes. I don't know why, but I guess I think that okay, so Oh, that's the voice that helped him earlier. That's what happened.
SPEAKER_04I think that there's a part of his mom that's still inside of the creature that is like just clawing to get out.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_04And is like, get back to the safe room.
SPEAKER_02We're converting into a creature. There's like an invisible entity that's helping him. I guess is part of it too.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, he heard that in the ether, maybe.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, go, safe room, the voice said to me. I looked at the hatch and ran towards it. When I got inside and started to drag the bed so it could cover the hatch, the window opened by itself. When I managed to cover the hatch with the bed mostly, I closed it. The door gave in, and they entered my room. All I could hear was their breathing, and then screams. He ran away through the window, they said. I turned around and noticed the chair. The rope was on the ceiling, hanging. I walked closer to the chair slowly, not to make a sound. Milo was sitting on it. I looked at her. Now it's a herd. And then the window. I won't be able to fit through it, but she can. I opened the window. The fresh cold air hit me. I took Milo and put her on the window. She jumped onto the roof.
SPEAKER_04It's like a fucking 30-story building.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I know.
SPEAKER_04Go be free, Milo. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02You can make it. I'm glad she can make it. I turned to look at the rope. Then the voice came back. You're not a monster. Do not join the mass. You deserve one body. Peace. I looked at the hatch door and then back on the hanging rope. I know what I have to do. Freedom! Freedom. I know what I have to do. The ghost of Richie Havens. It saved me. Now I need to Robin Williams myself. Unfortunately. God damn.
SPEAKER_04No, he didn't say that. I Chris Cornell myself. I put Chris Cornell down on the chair.
SPEAKER_02Oh man. Oh shit. And then and then I took one last Chester Bennington ask breath.
SPEAKER_00And I thought my mom's stabbed. Step my chest. I don't know. Oh fuck.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Uh God damn it.
SPEAKER_03It's not real. There it is. Oh Black Hole Sun is the name of the character.
SPEAKER_00SON. Yeah, that's what I mean.
SPEAKER_04Oh fuck. God damn. Black asshole son.
SPEAKER_02Won't you go? Won't you go back up to your fucking room so I can fuck the shit out your mom. Oh my gosh. Out your mom. Uh yeah. Is that the whole story really? He said I know what I have to do.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, he's gotta kill himself with the rope and the chairs. Okay. So if I can. Number one. Psychological horror didn't happen until the very fucking end. Right. By the way.
SPEAKER_02Right. But number one, gotta give him his flowers. It's like two half-dead roses, but still, it's flowers. Yeah. That I gotta give local chefs. Yeah, dog. They are on their last leg. They've been in the fucking uh in the uh the Voss for a long time.
SPEAKER_04They still got the powder rubber banded to the fucking steps.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, dude. Uh yeah, they they would throw those out at any fucking reputable florist. Yeah. Um, anyway, so uh gotta give him his flowers. Best fleshed out story that he wrote. For sure. Like best consistent details. We'll forget about the cat sex change, but best consistent details, best uh overall story. Like it actually like funneled into one thing. I couldn't tell if the hatch was like I couldn't tell what was up with that. Like I now I'm figuring out things, like there's actually things to figure out. It's not all on its face, it's like, oh wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Maybe it is, but I'm too stupid to like this. Is the first time I'm a little too dumb to get all of the details on first read.
SPEAKER_04When I first heard it, I thought the hatch was just like randomly appeared on the wall. Me too, yeah. And it was like ethereal, and you it opened, and normally you'd walk out and you'd fall onto the floor, right? Or the grass, but it's like now it's like this uh fucking liminal space or whatever. Yeah. I think earlier in the story he said something about his bed was moved, and I think the hatch was in the floor under his bed, and he never knew about it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and that's that's uh the entity or whatever that was helping him throughout the story. Yeah, which we have no fucking idea who or what that was. That was the one thing he did not flesh out. He didn't give any real details about that. I would like to think that that's his mom, like what's left of his mom in the house, like her spirit or whatever. But he could have he could have revealed something at the end to make it a little more compelling. Oh, you're right, his real dad. He's like the new ports that I left you for killed me. Now I'm in the now. I'm in the ether, but I'll help you, son. Yeah. Get out your get in the hatch, Jack. He talks like Richard Pryor, like a 70s black dude. Don't be a jive, Turkey. Don't let the man get you. Um he stole our whole shit. The man's he used it to he stole our whole shit and he used it to write several top 40 hits. Method Man even co-signed him. Damn. Um brutal. Method Man and DJ Premier co-signed this fucking cracker. Um, they did. They did actually co-sign Fred Durst. They did a whole song with him. It's on a Limp Biscuit album. I co-signed Fred Durst. It's probably one of it. Honestly, it's a sick fucking song. I'm not gonna lie, it's fucking sick. And if you ever watch the YouTube video where uh DJ Premier during COVID, he did like a whole thing. He explains the whole story behind it and shit. And he said that initially Fred Durst's flow on it was whack, and he told him to change it. He was like, You gotta change that for me to work on this at all. Oh, dude. And Fred Durst took his notes and ran with them and made it way better. Good on him. And guess, guess what, dude? Fucking DJ Premier, he took the original beat that whoever made, and he took it, and he fucking literally like took tiny little pieces of it and colored the whole beat his way, and that's what you know and love as the song In Together Now off of Significant Other. Damn. Anyway, sorry, that I just wanted to throw that in. A little bit of limp biscuit lore for you guys.
SPEAKER_04I love that.
SPEAKER_02And DJ Premier was like, I wanted to work with Method Man, and this was a really easy way to do that because he was already agreed to do the song, even when it was shitty. So just for the check, Method Man agreed to work with Fred Durst. Love Method Man and exhibits on the next album. So fucking Fred Durst is vers he is pretty much like co-signed by like rappers in general, so he's fine. He's earned his place. He has. He had dude, he had the whole Rough Rider crew on the remix of Roland. If that's not like that, is like the pinnacle of like if you were a Wigger between the ages of like 10 and 14, that's your shit. Anytime that's on, it's a fantastic day. Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, no, uh, to go back to your your uh flower giving. Um some of the like there's there's sparks of of beautifully written imagery. Yeah. He like is figuring out how to set a scene. The bathroom scene was very well set. Yeah. I really like that. The detail that it wasn't needed, but it painted a picture. We don't need to know that you're washer and dryer's in the bathroom. We don't need to know that the outlet in the bathroom doesn't work. But the I can picture this fucking house a thousand times better because of those details with the cable going out the door, the door doesn't shut all the way. Yeah, all of that shit is so true to life. That was nice. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Uh I I gotta throw this in there though. Only the washer would be able to plug into a regular outlet. Yeah. The dryer doesn't plug into a power strip, it has its own thing. That's true. But it's fine. It's fine.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, there's two different outlets for each one. Maybe the dryer outlet worked.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, washer, sure, sure. But maybe in Poland they have it, they run on the same thing. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe they all plug into that weird European outlet.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02Oh, they're fucked up prongs. They probably they don't even have air conditioning. So they probably have really shitty washer and dryer setups. Oh, yeah. Until you're like upper echelon of until you're fucking until you're cold play, you don't have like a really nice washer-dryer setup.
SPEAKER_04I'm just imagining like Polish stand-up jokes now, and they're like, and so I put my clothes in in dryer. It takes six hours. You know what I'm saying? Everybody you can relate to this.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I had to expand it to all of Europe to make the reference to a famous, like rich person. Because I don't know any rich Pollocks. I don't know any famous Pollocks. None. Yeah, I have I don't know any. So there's probably like 17 that I know that I do know who they are, but I don't know that they're Polish because they hide that detail so that no one will hate them.
SPEAKER_04They're rich andor famous because they moved to a different country and made it.
SPEAKER_02Spite of being Polish. They're rich and famous. Exactly.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, they forgot their roots as soon as they tasted a cheeseburger. They're like, fuck that. Black Hole Sun is the name of the episode, obviously. Holy fuck. Uh, and hole with a W.
SPEAKER_04I was I was I was definitely set on I got it from Ninjago before that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02But uh Black Hole Sun. Yep, this is a rope. That's uh that's a contender, but Black Hole Sun, that's that's it, dog.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Whew. That was great, man. What a fun side. Love these stories. Oh fuck. Um well anyway, I have to pee. Uh so I'm done.
SPEAKER_01I have to do both, I think.
SPEAKER_04It might just be a fart. You got a onesie and a twosie going? I think so. Holy frick. Yeah. Golly. Not a three. I will say I greatly appreciate your uh you toning down the vulgarity this week. Oh, yeah, my bad.
SPEAKER_02That was pretty slick and sweet and awesome. My bad for last week. I just felt like felt like testing the I think it was Chelsea Handler, is why I did that, I think, ultimately. I I by the way, no one had access to last Monday's Kill Tony episode, which was recorded two weeks ago. You know, they record them ahead of time, sure. But no one had access to that, and I wasn't in the audience, but Tony called her a cunt as well. But Tony called her a cunt, and I was using that word uh after being inspired by her. Well, I saw what like a real one is, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_04Congratulations on YouTube being the only people to ever call Chelsea Handler a cunt.
SPEAKER_02Parallel thinking. Yeah. You know, yeah, just someone, just me and the one of the people that has like one of the most popular podcasts of all specifically, only the two of you have ever uttered those words in her fucking direction. So we have a lot in common. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Uh we're both scrawny dudes who like to think we're funny. Sure. Uh we both have podcasts. Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_04A lot of gay accusations. We're both white. Gay andor pedophile accusations.
SPEAKER_02Right. On on said podcast. Right. Um, and that's it. That's that's where it ends. Uh, because he that's where we split. We go two different paths. It's where we spit, roast your mom. Whoa!
SPEAKER_04Wrap around from the beginning. Oh nice, dude. You want to hear more of that fucking quippy shit? Wanna hear some more call blacks? Patreon.com slash fartmouth. Fartmouth.com. Click the Patreon button, uh, go with a couple of buckaroos.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, dude. I'm still playing video games on there. Hell yeah. I think I think my last one I've recorded is about to go up, though, so I need to be on that.
SPEAKER_04I'm gonna break your heart for a second.
SPEAKER_01Sure.
SPEAKER_04We have one five dollar patron now. We've got we've got double digits on one and ten, and then there's one guy who's just like, I fucking love watching Jake play Tony Hawk.
SPEAKER_02I'm giving you guys four extra dollars every month. That one guy's just like, dude, I fucking love this shit. Dude, I've I mean, the last video, one of the final videos, I fucking hit another. Like, yeah, I got like 19. New PB. I got like 19th on one of the levels. It's crazy. Damn, son.
SPEAKER_04Guy can play Tony Hawk. Hey, anyway, check us out on Patreon. If not, that's cool too. But also come to the fart party. You're all invited. Oh, yeah. Arden J. Oh. Spotify.
SPEAKER_02Let's do it. Let's do it. We have to.
SPEAKER_04We have to. We're obligated. Fart mouth. I have to look my own show up on fucking Spotify. Not obligated. Whoa. Uh, I started typing Spotify instead of Fart Mouth. I uh I forgot our login to Spotify, the content creator login for Spotify's.
unknownOh fuck.
SPEAKER_04I was trying to set up alerts. You need to do it or not. No, I got it. No, no, no. Um, Arden J just called him out. The original hole hunting, fold finding, slit sleuthing, pink pursing, cooch catching, clam claiming, mildly vulgar podcasts. Nice.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_04The nice dude. The original. Looking at last week to see if I missed any. We're good. All right. Hey, obligation met. Love you. Bye.
SPEAKER_00Bye.