321 - Jake is Vulgar this Episode and I Apologize

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This week's show features...

• Would You Rather
• Thyler's Top 5
• 2nd Half Comebacks?????
• Thyler gives a lil FYYPOS Update

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Don't you hate when you have like a thing on the tip of your tongue and you can't remember what it is or where it's from? Happens to me all the time. Well, I have schizophrenia, so sounds pop into my head all the time, and then I have to sit there because I'm also autistic and retarded and no CD and gay, and I have to go, what's that from? And sometimes it takes an hour. I'm on fucking I'm on page 16 of Google reading about what's that one thing that goes like you know?

SPEAKER_01 0:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 0:29

That's my life.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

I just get the shits in front of you. Thank you for listening.

SPEAKER_00 0:39

Where woke minds can find sleep, Fort Smith University.

SPEAKER_01 0:45

The hats will soon be smaller at the Derby because Israel owns Kentucky. Oh.

SPEAKER_03 0:59

Yeah, it's a thing to do. I like the joke. Welcome everyone to Farmouth Podcast, a show whose host recently wondered to himself what if CJ from San Andreas was Jewish? I think that the beginning of the game might sound a little something more like, Oy Vey, here we go again.

unknown 1:23

What the fuck?

SPEAKER_03 1:27

Because he says, Oh shit, here we go again. Yeah, yeah, no, I got it.

SPEAKER_01 1:30

Yeah. Cool, cool, cool. Yeah. I've recently started the game again, so yes, I do.

SPEAKER_03 1:35

That joke was specifically written, everybody, for Jake only. Every week. Thank you. We do a few rotating segments to make each other laugh, obviously. This is the only people we make laugh is each other. I'm Tyler. I'm Jake. We're gonna get right on into the episode. We got the good old-fashioned classic for y'all right here. The first thing we're gonna do right now is we're gonna ask each other one question and one question only. Would you rather I mean it's two questions? Right. Sort of. Well, no, it's one question. It's one question.

SPEAKER_01 2:13

Right. Yeah. Choose between these two things. I think I should go first because I I don't believe in mine, and I feel like yours is gonna be better. Is your question God? So it should go second, I think. Uh no, I just your topic was a bit of a threw me for a loop. A bit of a doozy. Because you don't believe in it. Well, it wasn't God, nor Jesus, nor Muhammad, or Santa, any of the other um uh gun control or whatever. Um condoms pulling out, uh, yeah. Um that drugs are bad. I don't know how to say that. Um abstinence. Would you rather, Tyler? Sobriety. True, true, true, true. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:01

Would you rather the illegal illegality is off say sorry. I was waiting for you to start talking again to do one more. Nice. All right, I'll stop now.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

Would you rather live forever with your consciousness and emotion in a robot body, incapable of sexual intercourse? By the way, everybody, my topic for this week's would you rather robots. I meant to say that. Fuck. You threw me off with more of your jokes. Okay. Uh or you heard that, right? You you live in a room.

SPEAKER_03 3:36

Are a republic as a democracy, you you succeeding in the way that it's currently structured. I'm just naming other stuff you don't believe.

SPEAKER_01 3:45

Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. Uh you know, you're living forever in a con your consciousness inside a robot body, right? As proselytized to us and and prophesized, sorry, uh, by our Lord and Savior Joe Rogan, um, probably 800 times on his podcast. Yeah. Or keep your flesh and meat body and bones and stuff, you know, as it is. But you must be ass fucked by one of those porno dildo reciprocator things for an hour per week. I'm stun-locked. And you can have sex outside of that with women, but you must be ass fucked once a week by that thing. For an hour straight. Okay. So it's gonna it's gonna tear you up. It's gonna be bad.

SPEAKER_03 4:30

It's so my options are that, or I get to live forever. But never have sex again.

SPEAKER_01 4:36

Oh, right, okay. And you're horny though, because your consciousness and emotion and everything is still intact, but you can't act on it.

SPEAKER_03 4:43

Right, okay. Well, here's we're gonna, you know, peel back another layer of the the mind onion that I got going on. The munion. Uh I I'm a a person that sometimes uh speaks about things before they're proven to be evident, if that makes sense. Sure. Uh I get a little bit excited about things and I'm like, this is fact. And then two weeks later I'm like, I don't know what I was talking about. Yeah. But I'm allowed to do that because I'm charming.

SPEAKER_01 5:15

Sure, yeah. I didn't mean that in the dismissive way it came off. I I was agreeing and gonna have you keep going with your uh I think I'm just really good at digging myself out of holes.

SPEAKER_03 5:27

I think I can dig myself into a nice big fat fucking sloppy dicky hole. Mud and everything, pig slop and such. Yeah. And I think that I'm just made of shovels. I'm thinking I'm a fucking human shovel, dude.

SPEAKER_01 5:42

Shovels for arms.

SPEAKER_03 5:43

Yeah, dude. I'm a fucking old shovel bucket Tyler over here.

unknown 5:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:47

That's they've been calling me that. Yeah. Forever. Yeah. I think I can dig myself out of a pretty good hole. So I'm gonna say this. Okay. I haven't had sex in like a month. Right. And I don't see any reason why I couldn't just keep doing it forever. I think I think I'm fine.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

I think I can fucking figure it out. You haven't gotten the bug really yet, though. I mean it's you've had glimpses of the bug, but you haven't gotten the full-on.

SPEAKER_03 6:15

I've had some some fuck roaches tickling at the back of my mind here and there.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

Yeah. I had a couple antenna with their fucking antenna.

SPEAKER_03 6:22

Yeah, dude. I got a little couple little ants feeling around in the back of my medulla, just poking around at my my sex organs and such. Whatever part of your brain controls your desire for pussy and such. Right. Um, you know, it's been it's been back there dicking around to use a really dumb fucking pun. Um, but you know, there's nothing I don't, you know, I'm not out there fuck, I'm not on the hunt. Yeah, not on the hunt. Whereas I think it that is so vulgar. First of all. How dare you? Why? Second of all, who do you think you are? Don't put that evil on me, brother. You're not on, you're not on a good old Russian cunt hunt. I respect women, dude. Every whore is built different, all right? And each one of them filthy skanks deserves at least a little bit more respect than calling their beautiful life holes a cunt. People are cunts.

SPEAKER_01 7:31

Pussies are beautiful little tulip flower bud rosebud things. So you're saying they're slep flakes, maybe? Which sounds like a great cereal. That would be great. But you're trying to say each one is individual and unique and slap flakes.

SPEAKER_03 7:44

Yeah, they're they've got to have at least a little bit of different DNA, or else we'd all be fucking slackjawed retards with our balls dragging on the ground or something. When I'm done with them, they're frosted slepflakes. There you go, dude.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

You know what I mean, dude? Yeah. Yeah, glaze that crispy cream hole. Yeah, dude. Pull-out game on whatever black people are saying right now. Yeah. After that. On point. On 6'7 or something. Yeah, on I was gonna say on fleek, but that's so 2021.

SPEAKER_03 8:16

Dude, this is like we're pushing up against the edge of Doc's territory with this, but there was somewhere relatively close to the city that we live in. I drove through one time and I saw a fucking establishment that had just opened up, very clearly black owned, but like like tightly. I'm gonna say on top of that, on top of clearly black owned, I have a tightly closed fist raised in the air in solidarity. Shout out to you for support black businesses. Somehow getting your credit up enough to get a loan for that. Shout out to you, sister. Um it was called like eyebrows on fleek. It was like an eyebrow doing, I don't know, yeah, beauty salon. Yeah, focused on eyebrows. Right.

SPEAKER_01 9:04

Where they put the little stencil up on your eyebrow and spray paint on everything else off. Yeah, yeah. Spread some cocoa, whatever black people do. I don't fucking shea butter on your eyebrows, I guess. I don't know. What are they doing? If we just sprinkle a little more, maybe your dad'll come back. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 9:19

I don't know why you're doing this. Are there eyebrow weaves? I don't know. Yeah, I'm a there's something to do with like uh I I've heard threading, and I just assume they're stitching something onto their face like a Chuck E doll.

SPEAKER_01 9:31

No, I think they just threw you thread your eyebrow hairs so that they don't like do all the weird old man shit and like pop up and out. Sure.

SPEAKER_03 9:38

They probably did that there too.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

I don't fucking know.

SPEAKER_03 9:41

I don't for all I know, they're selling fucking chicken out the back.

SPEAKER_01 9:44

All I know is I take my razor, my like, you know, my uh manscaped razor, and I pop the the thing, the uh the little guard up to like a four, and then I over my fucking eyebrows to knock out all the old man fucking wildcard hairs that just stick up like I'm the whatever his name, Doc from fucking you know, Doc Brown, yeah, from Back to the Future.

SPEAKER_03 10:09

I was gonna say this at risk of sounding like I'm bragging, but then I remembered something. So give me give me two sentences for you all judge, okay? Number one, I've been lucky enough I don't have any of that eyebrow shit going on. That's one. And I feel I feel like that's pretty cool. Still one however. Still one, comma. No, period before however. Period. Period. I don't have that going on with my eyebrows. I feel lucky, period. On God. However, sentence number two begins, comma after however, because we structure our sentences appropriately here at Fartmouth. I do have like wispy little nose hairs that'll poke out the bottom of the tip of my nos. Same dog. And I got a fucking, and I don't have I don't got manscaped money. Sorry. I got fucking 80 bucks one time three years ago. Nah, dude. I went to fucking Home Depot and I got a de-Walt. Oh, nice. The fucking 18 volt battery. You clip that shit on there, that cocksucker will run for a month and a half without being turned off. You can leave it on the counter just vibrating away. And I just 15-volt batteries I just I just stick that thing up the corner of that little fucker up there and just nick them off real quick. And I set it back down and I don't turn it off because I'm like, this thing rules.

SPEAKER_01 11:30

That's hilarious, dude.

SPEAKER_03 11:31

Yeah. The giant D-Wall battery. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. You guys should check that out. Home Depot. Home Depot. Yeah, coupon code FARMOuth. Uh huh. Okay. Um tell them we sent you.

SPEAKER_01 11:45

They don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but tell them.

SPEAKER_03 11:47

That was such a fucking tangent, dude. Back to the would you rather at hand.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

Oh, yeah, yeah. Live forever, never have sex again.

SPEAKER_03 11:54

Never have sex again. Oh yeah, I'll do that. Okay. Yeah. Easy. Because I I think at a certain point, like the the speedometer rolls back around to zero. You know what I'm saying? And after like four hundred and seven thousand years, I will have ascended to some sort of like spiritual creature that like sex is so far beneath me. Yeah that it's like I've solved all the universe's problems. What the fuck is a wet mushy hole gonna do for me now?

SPEAKER_01 12:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:27

I mean, it's crazy that I just said that it would take 407,000 years for me to get to that point.

SPEAKER_01 12:32

But I think that's probably conservative because pussy's pretty cool. Well, what you would need to do when I thought of this, I was like, the obvious caveat or the obvious uh plan would be take the robot option uh and then fucking just go somewhere where there's no chicks or uh the chicks are undesirable, like something, you know, like go to Africa or something. I'm just kidding. Oh what's kidding, just a joke.

SPEAKER_03 13:03

All they do is hunt cunt in Africa.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

They really do, actually. That is actually pretty accurate. Such a crazy fucking thing to say. Africate. Um, the uh oh man. Chucking a different kind of spear. Yeah, oh yeah. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_04 13:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

I was trying to think of a way to make like do an albino hunting joke in there, but I couldn't think of a way to make it rhyme with cunt and anything.

SPEAKER_03 13:35

Looking for a different kind of pink ass. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:39

Uh yeah. So you just have to go somewhere isolated, is my point.

SPEAKER_03 13:46

I just when you said that, the first thing I thought of was like, God, dude, if you could you imagine like you get in that scenario where your mind is put into a robot body that's functionally going to live for her forever, and you just fucking squander that by going and being like a Buddhist monk. Yeah. You solve nothing. You're just like, I just meditate and hang out and fucking uh sweep the floor.

SPEAKER_01 14:08

You would be so happy because you wouldn't have to sleep, and thusly, you could probably be the best uh RuneScape player of all time within like two months.

SPEAKER_03 14:19

I didn't even think about like all the problems that would be solved by that. That I feel like you can stack up enough, like I'm never tired, I always feel like perfectly awake. Like I don't ever have to deal with like diarrhea again. Oh, true. You know, like also there's no syphilis if you're not fucking and you're a robot, you're double safe. True. Uh you could never get a woman pregnant and have to deal with b babies or children. True. Also, anytime anyone makes you mad, you can just rip their entire body in half because what the fuck are they gonna do about it?

SPEAKER_01 14:53

You can just probably just do some sort of technical thing where you literally tune them out and you just don't have to listen to them anymore.

SPEAKER_03 15:00

Why would I do that when I can rip their body in half? I'll go T 800 on this motherfucker. Dude, I could insert my fingers the soft part of the top of their skull where it like kind of fused together as a baby, and I can pry their head in half. Backwards bone tomahawk, that motherfucker. And then I'm just like, I don't ever have to, you don't exist anymore, thanks to me. And I get to live with that satisfaction for eternity. Nice. Or the other thing. I don't want to talk about the other thing.

SPEAKER_01 15:30

Bone tomahawk toa.

SPEAKER_03 15:32

Nice. Just thought of that. That's nice. I don't know what it is, but it's comfortable and it's co it's a cozy joke that I like a lot. I want to sit inside of that joke.

SPEAKER_01 15:41

You know what that joke is down the middle after you spit on it.

SPEAKER_03 15:43

It's a throw blanket on Amazon purchased for $10, delivered to your house the next day. That's what that joke was.

SPEAKER_01 15:49

What okay. You've mentioned it several times, mostly on the Patreon, but I do want to know, is it just a color or does it have a design?

SPEAKER_03 15:58

No, it's blue. Oh, okay. It's just a color. It's uh it's well, okay, so it's like it's that color, yeah. Yeah. Um and it it it's like this fuzzy texture. It's like teal, and it's got like a but it's got another texture to it where it's like the way that they stitched it together has like little bumps, like little bumps. Oh, it's like textured.

SPEAKER_01 16:19

It's like a uh quilted almost.

SPEAKER_03 16:22

Yeah, it's got a quilted texture to it, even though it's not actually a quilt.

SPEAKER_01 16:26

Six, six, six. I have one of those in there, the dog ruined it.

SPEAKER_03 16:29

Yeah. I have a functioning one that's really nice and cool, and I like it a lot.

SPEAKER_01 16:34

Yeah, the dog decided that she was gonna lay on that little couch in there for like the first uh six months of her life. So everything we laid on that couch became too dog ridden to be used for anything else. Gotcha. Fantastic. Well, you know. Yet another thing that dog fucked up. It's the joys of pet ownership. Just kidding. I mean, she has fucked up a lot of stuff, but she's sh no longer does she do that. She makes holes in the yard. That's the worst thing she does now.

SPEAKER_03 17:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:04

And I've almost broken my ankle seven times in one of them.

SPEAKER_03 17:07

Who isn't on the hunt for hole? As we've established. Yeah. Um, me, that's who. Nope. Not in this. Would you rather? Um yeah, I I'm gonna be a robot that lives for that.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

So, what's I I want to know what your brain did with the robot prompt that you gave me.

SPEAKER_03 17:27

Well, I'm actually like super fucking mad that like I thought there's no way. You know, I we had a week not that long ago where our would you rathers were identical.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 17:40

Functionally, the exact same question, and I had to rewrite mine in real time. And that made me mad. Uh-huh. And I was like, from now on, every time the first thing I think of comes to mind, I'm going to erase that from my brain and think of the second thing. And the second thing that I thought of, you still thought of you cocksucker. And I thought, there's no way he's gonna think of that when I say robot.

SPEAKER_01 18:10

This is this is the flaw of the theme, I think. We finally found the flaw of the theme. Yeah, the themed would you rathers. Yeah, what okay amendment, amendment to the themed would you rathers. Sure. So each week, what if, and this would also be like a uh serializing almost in a way. So, like this week it could have been robots, and you hit me with your robot, would you rather? And that's how we start the show. Next week, I have a week to think of a totally different robot, would you rather?

SPEAKER_03 18:50

And then you hit me with your topic, and that week that you hit me with your robot, I see what you're saying.

SPEAKER_01 18:56

So then it's like alternating, yeah. So then there's no way this can happen.

SPEAKER_03 18:59

Dude, Ronald Reagan figured this out in like the whatever the 40s when he was alive. Yeah. Trickle down, would you rather nominate? Why we why would we ever question Ronald Reagan?

SPEAKER_01 19:10

I know it's crazy.

SPEAKER_03 19:12

He was an actor.

SPEAKER_01 19:13

Yeah. So obviously qualified. I found out that in Grand Theft Auto Vice City, if you go into ammunition and you go up against a certain wall, that the the fucking wall disappears, and you have to jump up on the counter and then get against the wall, and then it will glitch out, and then behind that wall is a picture of Ronald Reagan, I believe, with a gun to Gorbachev's head. That's awesome. Which is which is, you know, because the game's set in the 80s, right? So it makes sense. But uh, yeah, I just found that out this week. That's sick. I've been watching a lot of Grand Theft Auto content to see if maybe I could dip my toes into it some. But uh yeah. Turn on that wall. There's some people doing some great Grand Theft Auto content by the way.

SPEAKER_03 20:00

That's sick. I love that. Yeah. All right. My would you rather? We're just gonna get it out of the way. Now that it's fucking ruined. Sorry. No, it's not, it's fine. I think that I worded mine better.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

You probably did, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:12

There's also a caveat to mine that makes it a little different, okay? Of course, you would think you wrote it better. Well, um wait and then, Judge. Okay. Okay. Would you rather have a really annoying robot that follows you around everywhere you go, correcting everything that you say and telling people when you're lying. Forever. Till you're dead, because it's a robot. It lives forever. So we've established it. Yeah. Yeah. He's your little he's your little robot familiar. Is he there when I'm banging? Everywhere you go.

SPEAKER_01 20:46

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_03 20:46

He's standing in the shower telling me. You know, dude, you're you're in the shower, and you're you squeeze some shampoo into your hand, and you you start putting it in your hair, and then you go to rinse it out, and he's like, Technically, Jacob, on the bottle, it says that you should let it sit in your hair for 30 seconds before rinsing out. And you're just like, shut up! Fucking cunt bot.

SPEAKER_01 21:11

That's what I was saying.

SPEAKER_03 21:12

What's up with you and cunt today, man? Let's talk about this for a second.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

What's what's going on with you and the C word, dude? Uh, I think, okay, on the uh during a conversation on the way back from Louisville last night, words like no-no words came up. And it was discussed that cunt is basically uh above board now. Like it's not like a cancelable word anymore. Gotcha. Like the F slur is, the N-word is cancelable. Even even retard is is a little like on the ropes still, even though it's kind of made a comeback. It's still like a little on the ropes, still questionable questionable to some, it is. But uh but uh but cunt seems to have just somehow slipped through the the butt cracks, and you can fucking. can just say it whenever you want now.

SPEAKER_03 22:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

And you're not at risk of being canceled. So I think that's why I'm using it. I'm using it, you know, it's a fresh word, you know, I can I can say it whenever I want. You're swimming around in it, huh? Yeah. Really getting my fucking my whiskers wet with it, you know?

SPEAKER_03 22:16

Yeah. Well, um I will say that it's highly inappropriate and I wish you'd stop.

SPEAKER_01 22:23

Do you think Spotify will kick us off? Maybe they're that's our line, bitch. You can say whatever you want about the Jews, but please leave leave cunt. Leave your brain.

SPEAKER_03 22:34

We'll even let some like 2023 N-words slide that weren't censored out. We'll let those go.

SPEAKER_01 22:40

Yeah. Those were fine. Yeah. But uh we can't tell if you're black. Right, exactly. You can, but if you're not AI, you can totally tell.

SPEAKER_03 22:49

Surely. Yeah, so his little robot follows your what would you you would name him? I think you can come up with a better name than that. Rick. Rick the robot dude. Oh the Rick Rick bot 4000.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

I'm here to fuck up your day. I would call him different variations of of that name all the time though to confuse him. Oh nice. I like that. What's up, Richard? He's like, is that what you're calling me today?

SPEAKER_03 23:20

Yet Dick. What do you think, bro? You heard me speak, didn't you? Uh I also like the caveat sorry my throat won't stay clear. Um that he'll also tell on you. He'll tattle on you to people I know that's great. Yeah. He's lying. I saw him not take out the garbage you know to my boss and shit.

SPEAKER_01 23:42

Yeah. He hates you.

SPEAKER_03 23:45

He thinks you're a conservative cunt.

SPEAKER_01 23:49

To use your word. Yeah. Conservative dude. So vulgar. Um I like this dynamic now that you're you're just gonna call me out anytime I say a no-no word.

SPEAKER_03 24:05

Well you know there's I have lines. All right. Yeah. Uh the robot or yeah yeah you ready for it now? Yeah I think I already know. Get plunger fucked by one of those fuck machines for an hour. We both said hour. Using a clonawilly of your own ding dong.

SPEAKER_00 24:25

Oh that's not that bad.

SPEAKER_03 24:27

Dude your prostate is gonna be fucking turned inside out by that milked by that G spot destroyer.

SPEAKER_01 24:34

You're right it is bad. That little cunt fucker cunt fucker fucking cunt machine you got hanging between your legs. Yeah it's pretty sick. Um the curve works it's nice uh I'm glad for you um I don't know man uh obviously I don't want to get fucked in the ass. But I mean honestly my dick's not the worst dick to be fucked in the ass with no I don't think it's gonna cause permanent damage it's gonna hurt for you know the first like seven times um how often is yours?

SPEAKER_03 25:12

It's for an hour how often um every hour on the hour for the rest of your life? No I'm just kidding. Um I I'll we'll stick with your once a week.

SPEAKER_01 25:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 25:22

Or I have that robot that fucking Rick the cunt bot I mean he won't be there to judge because he doesn't exist in the second option.

SPEAKER_01 25:30

Yeah I know. But that's the other way is is I have to deal with Rick.

SPEAKER_03 25:34

I either have to get fucked or get it's Jake and Rick bot hanging out taking a shower not leaving the shampoo in long enough it's medically not gonna do its job on your scalp you're fucked and then the episode starts and it's got like the the like every sitcom has like the laugh track starting off for some reason even though nothing happened and like the kind of music and then it it's a outside shot that's zooming in on your house but you're at the you're at the Roseanne house from the show Roseanne. Right um and then it goes inside and everyone's like ah can't we see what Dan's up to what's uh what's a little uh TJ it's TJ or Darlene going on yeah and it's just Jake in the shower with the robot yeah for 15 minutes and it's just like you're not exfoliating properly if you masturbate in the shower too often you will clog the drain I'd watch that show it's also worse when you have long hair I'd watch that show a bunch um so can the can the robot do tasks for me?

SPEAKER_01 26:48

Will it help me do anything? Not at all it's just annoying yeah and a tattletale god damn it I hate that um I hate a fucking snitch dude don't we all uh and you can't even give him stitches because he doesn't have skin right uh knock a couple bolts out of his ass um I will repair myself because I won't help you but I'll help me I never have to recharge yeah dude he's got a fucking uh quantum battery yeah probably solar it's being charged as some fucking evil genius's house probably like gravity powered or some shit yeah constantly charging yeah I have my own electromagnetic signal yeah dude there's a satellite in Starlink Elon Musk made me I'm here to fuck up your life you can't have electricity without magnetism it's true it's actually very interesting you should watch a Johnny Harris video about it great content creator better than you Jake his videos are actually engaging uh he knows how to talk to a camera you'll never be as good as Davy504 at base or content creation um it's probably true on both fronts um although I cannot lie you are slightly better looking he's a goofy looking guy quite a horse face right the Italian stallion that guy is um uh makes really funny videos relies on his accent a lot but I would if I had that accent too for sure um I think I think I'm I I don't know the obviously the robot a lot of funny situations and hopefully I can like set shit on him hopefully he's boxy enough I can use him as a surface to set shit on best and worst third mic of all time would be incredible hopefully he's got a hook on him somewhere I can hang my keys I'll never lose anything again because he'll be like you left that in the garage that's true so that's I don't think he would tell you though oh I think I think he doesn't say anything helpful. He would what he would say was you lost your keys ha ha ha I remember but I won't never tell yeah yeah ha ha ha ha getting warmer you're getting more forgetful in your advanced age no that would be awesome I love this I want it so bad I want it to happen for real um I think I don't I mean obviously getting ass fucked every day or every week is gonna be horrific. I'm telling you right now without a doubt uh what's the opposite of uh subject objectively you would start to enjoy it after a while definitely you just you would look forward to it you just reminded me that on the way home last night I said subjectively when I meant objectively and I never corrected that's miserable I didn't correct myself if you had a robot that corrected everything you said never happened I'm such a dumb cunt uh oh god this is the cunt episode filthy that's what's happening your filthy mouth I'm gonna say it a bunch uh horrific I I guess I'll go with the robot um even though that's obviously super annoying and it is an everyday thing it's not it's not as bad as having one of because like anytime I've seen like an ad or like a uh whatever like a clip of one of those reciprocating machines going it that's horrific. Like like I can't like what if you accidentally scoot down too low on it like it's gonna rip out your insides like or it's gonna like push your fucking colon deeper into your fucking small intestine or whatever order it goes in.

SPEAKER_03 31:06

And and like I like to I like to think I would like to think and I am going to imagine that like the very the the first models that were just like a fucking lawnmower engine hooked up to like a piston yeah or something could have done that but I feel like surely the there's like safety going on here and it's got some sort of like pressure system where if it feels like back pressure to a certain PSI that it like chills out.

SPEAKER_01 31:38

Like a garage door when it feels resistance it does the it goes the opposite way. Exactly yeah if it can exist in garage doors surely fuck machine technology is caught up to garage door protect technology yeah I would imagine that because like and also women are using these things and word of mouth fucking bad gas travels fast when ladies are getting fucked by uh by machines surely yeah uh all right so yeah I picked it's gonna be the robot cool fuck it let's go it's gonna deal with Rick I love it Rick the cunt bot I love that I hate that you said that but I love that you picked that option oh shoot well we're gonna keep things what if the word cunt breaks the show up that would be hilarious I mean hilarious way it might we're just passive aggressive to each other at the fart party because of because of my use of the word cunt. I'm hoping that you're on your P's and Q's about it. You have to take me aside at the party and be like hey man you gotta stop saying cunt.

SPEAKER_03 32:42

Jake you're fucking embarrassing me in front of all of our friends. These aren't just your friends Jake they're not just my friends. They're our friends and you're fucking embarrassing me I told you not to use that fucking word. Dude there's a lot of words that I'm totally fine with you using twat snatch fine muff I'd even let you slide with a gash or two even though that one is also disgusting. I find it repulsive but it's less jarring than the the the the barrage of consonants that comes from the C word. I gag when I think about it. Yeah anyway it is a problem yeah I'm not like that at all uh what do we're gonna do let's do this one next how about that all right sure wait is that me or you'll put in Tyler top 10 list because I don't have one of those I wouldn't spring that on you.

SPEAKER_01 33:49

Write one now I actually I thought maybe I had a holdover and I was I was about to frantically flip through my notes and my phone no I'm a little more professional than that. I use uh you know work approved terminology for things sick anyway uh I have a top five list for you guys this week fun little fucking jaunt back into the past how about the top five stuff that we thought would make us gay when we were teenagers nice I like this yeah I think it'll be fun uh number five sunscreen oh yep I think I'm gonna rub that fucking white stuff all over my body dude and rub it in specifically like have it soak into my whole torso I'm gonna rub an entire bottle of some dude's cum body dude no I'm not gay dude anything it's easy to sneak jizz into nah not at all get that gay stuff away from me dude I've seen the what fourth American pie movie when they the main cast was no longer yeah and I think they did that on that movie sh I think so I definitely have seen people use it to draw dicks on people's backs when they're sunbathing not straight at all that's gay that's pretty gay there's a dick on you dude the hell um number three number four yeah yeah reading reading yeah what are you run what are you reading all those books for dude who you trying to fucking show off for what kind of what dudes are you trying to impress right now dude me and my buddy Josh were hanging out at this big like our parents were having a thing like they they rented two adjacent hotel rooms one for my family one for my buddy's family and uh there's like a big pool there's a hot tub there's an outside pool there's like all all these amenities at this hotel and families would do this in the town I grew up in uh just rent rooms there and just party there you know so our parents are getting drunk and we're down by the pool and there's these two chicks down that by the pool that are about our age and they like a one thing leads to another and I I have Stephen King's Everything's Eventual with me. We are 13 dude like we're 12 or 13. It's not insane that I'm reading a book like I don't know I didn't feel like it was at the time and uh I have this book and I'm like uh and we go down to the pool and my and what else are we doing dude? We can only splash each other so long yeah we're hanging out at the pool. And we hadn't seen the chicks yet when I brought the book down there right and uh my buddy goes he's like he has the attitude that you began the the list with he's like why the fuck are you reading and I was like I don't know to gain knowledge I don't I don't know like to to be entertained by a wonderfully written story. I don't know super gay and uh it's it's got a great a great like stack of short stories this book is it's it's fantastic anyway uh like several movies have been made out of the stories in this book but anyway uh uh I so then the chicks like one thing leads to another they come over to us probably because he got their attention because he was that kind of guy and uh he got their attention they come over immediately he goes this dude reads like immediately sells me out like immediately sells me out it was such a shitty thing to do fucking rules so what's what's what he's trying to make happen here is one of the chicks is far more attractive than the other like conventionally like she's prettier seems probably like she's already fucked like most likely and we had not and uh the other chick seems far more green and like she's being led around by the other chick who's more pretty so what he's trying to do is he's trying to embarrass me so that he gets the pretty chick.

SPEAKER_03 37:59

Lugs the eye though off the yeah right and then why don't you fucking dorks go read a book together or something. Exactly me and this babe are gonna go fucking another funny detail about this dry hump in the pool.

SPEAKER_01 38:11

Another funny detail about this is I already had a cell phone and I don't think he did yet I just got you hit him back with he's poor. So yeah I should have so I should have but he so the the uh I'm kind of you know flustered in this moment the the Uggo asked me for my phone number immediately damn dude so well within this conversation so we we're probably hanging out for 15 minutes out there by the pool. They don't have on swimsuits by the way which I felt was kind of unfair they're fully clothed and we are not but anyway so she asked me for my phone number and in my fluster state I give her six sevenths of my phone number the final number I gave her happened to be my dad's final digit because we share almost the entire phone number because we got our phones at the same time. I told her eight it's like the meme of like it was a seven his he sold his social security numbers four. So then we go back to the hotel room uh eventually and we go back to the hotel room and uh my dad's like who the fuck is this asking for you on his phone anyway.

SPEAKER_03 39:28

And then you were like I don't know dad some cunt some dumb cunt some ugly cunt dude I'm so fucking lame and autistic that I would have completely bungled that situation because I every time anybody asks me a question that has to do with a number of any type I always say four. That is to me it is only funny to me and it's funny to me every single time yeah how many uh you know how many grapes do do you think that I need to make a a wine at home something you know yeah the number could be fucking two bunches yeah you know like 600 grapes I don't fucking know it's four yeah you know also comes in handy if you're playing golf right if that's the only number that you know that's that's true yeah yeah I'm an avid golfer I got golfers long dude this is more of a Patreon thing but you know how whenever uh you know probably five to seven years ago you'd be listening to Rogan and then him and his guests start going on a whole tangent about UFC and you're like okay you're gonna find something else to listen to.

SPEAKER_01 40:44

That's you a hundred percent me I'm like fuck yes finally that was something not gay to talk about okay sure that that was me then that's just me that's also how I feel on uh Max Crosby's podcast where his other two podcast mates start talking about golf. It's like I'm done dude fuck this.

SPEAKER_03 41:02

Yeah there's nothing that is more uninteresting to me I would say like I started this podcast to listen uh to contact sport like borderline combat sport talk.

SPEAKER_01 41:15

Yeah. You know what kind of the opposite of the Rogan thing. Right. I want to hear about fucking grown men slamming into each other at 20 miles an hour. I don't want to hear about you hitting the tiniest ball as far as you can stick at that stupid ball. And one of their main selling points is you can play golf as an old man. Well then it's not a real sport.

SPEAKER_03 41:36

Agree.

SPEAKER_01 41:37

It's not real you can play golf in a wheelchair not a real sport then yeah no it's a mini game it's like uh it is it's a mini game it's like on San Andreas where you go back to Carl's house yeah and you play the video game system in there it's Space Invaders or whatever.

SPEAKER_03 41:55

Yeah it's like that of life that's what golf is a hundred percent good call Tyler thanks man um yeah so reading is gay what's number three reading is gay I had a story for number four that's no I love that uh number three self-explanatory yeah talking to girls what the fuck dude it sucks that you have to do that to have sex you know what I mean like one yeah it almost always has to preclude the sex that's why God why did you do that to us you know you guys are talking about braiding hair fuck out of here eyebrow waxing or whatever breading dish that lame girl and come play Call of Duty with me dude yeah gay yeah uh number two biggin dude chapstick that is pretty gay dude dude it feels like makeup not gonna do it you're also what are you puckering your lips up for bro yeah what are you gonna put in your mouth dude you're gonna kiss my dick bitch oh no yeah uh so I got a short list of honorable mentions before I get to number one things that didn't quite make the list that maybe should have maybe this could have been a top ten I don't fucking know number sure number one as far as the honorable mentions go eating popsicles no way dude get that fucked get that thing away pretty phallic not into it because every time you're eating a popsicle your intrusive thought is to deep throat it yeah I I mean I'm sorry I I don't know if I'm outing myself with that but that's that's the intrusive thought is I wonder if I could get this down in one gulp.

SPEAKER_01 43:34

Um that's all you do that's all you bro that is not a thought that has ever crossed my mind I have seen that I mean I really didn't didn't fully think that I mean obviously it's like it feels like a feat it feels like a you know like a uh some when you're nine years old prior to any sexual anything that kind of makes sense once you know about dicks and blowjobs And everything, like once you know what your dick's really for, you can't be doing that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 44:07

Yeah, no, uh, I don't like popsicles. I liked the the ones in the tube, the plastic tube.

SPEAKER_01 44:13

I forgot about my story about them. I can tell it on here. I can see brought them up. Yeah, yeah. Okay. The other night. Little tube sickle? The other night. Uh so so me and my lady, we found this brand of frozen yogurt pops. You know, different flavors. It's an alternative to ice cream that's non-dairy. Uh I'm uh for my like skin and shit, I don't want to have a lot of dairy, so it's perfect. And uh so we like them. There's mint chocolate chip, there's fucking strawberry, there's a bunch of cool, cool fucking flavors. There's dude, there's coffee caramel. Or no, no, no. Coffee sea salt. Whoa. Oh so good. Anyway, we've been we've been munching these fucking things, dude. And uh, we buy them every weekend at the grocery store. We look forward to it. It's it's great. Anyway, the other night, she's like, Do we have any of those? And I was like, Yeah, we do. We still got the fucking strawberry innards with the chocolate on the outside. Damn! Fantastic. And she's like, Very sensual, by the way. And it's like strawberry, chocolate cover strawberry. And she's she's like, I want one. And I was like, I and we had we had it was post courtis, so I was like, I'll get up and get it. Well, aftercare, yeah, and Jake the Loverboy. And so I I so cunt magic. In the back of my brain, I had thought, I know I put two of those in the freezer out here. Well, there's two freezer options there's our fart mouth freezer that is like the top compartment of the fridge that we've used for years for a fart mouth fridge. Yes, and then there's my deep freezer over here. Now, I was stoned when I put these in a freezer. So I don't remember which freezer it was. Both are valid options. So I walk over to that freezer, I pop it open. I see there's only one pop in there. I'm not looking to have one. I'm fine. I'm just getting it for her. So I was like, I I guess I got stoned one night and ate mine already. So fuck me. I'll get this one for her. I pop it up, I pop it off the ice because in that freezer, you know, there's like a the whole bottom is ice. Yeah. So you, you know, anything you put in there sticks. So I pop it off, and then I fucking and I kind of feel that the inside of it changed when I did that. And I was a little weirded by that, but I fucking walk it over here, I hand it to her, she pops it open, and it becomes clear pretty quickly that it has lost its shape. Sure. That it's like now it's like chocolate on the stick for the most part, and the ice cream-ish, the ice cream substance, what's supposed to be ice cream, the yogurt, has it's no longer like it's it's it's a shell of its former stuff. It's not adhered to the chocolate at all. Right, it's not in there, it's not, it's not where it's supposed to be, right? So I she opens it and she sees that we both see it, and uh, I was like, oh shit, that's that's not right. And she's like, Yeah, what the fuck? And then she takes it out and and some of it's on the stick and some of it falls off back into the paper. So then she fucking takes a bite. I was like, I'll go get you a fresh one if you want. And and she was like, No, it's okay. And I was like, Are you sure? I I made sure. Sure. She starts munching on this thing. She basically just eats all the chocolate. Right. Right? The rest of it is lining the inside of the paper. And since it's such a thin layer of it, it melts super quickly. Right. So I uh she hands me the paper after she eats the chocolate portion, and I get a little bit on my hands, not too bad, but I start to spill it on myself and she catches it with her hands. Whoa. Teamwork. Lightning quick. And she really did. It was quick. It was like Spider-Man, like the first Spider-Man. Right, yeah. And uh Toby Me. So I I get it, I get it over here into the into the fucking thing, into the trash. And uh uh then I was like, man, that's weird that it was all just chocolate that you just ate, basically, and all the ice cream was like melted in the middle. I was like, maybe it got hot out here and it was just hot enough to to make it 33, 34 degrees, and the shit like melted down on the bottom. I was like, maybe. And uh I was like, Well, did it taste good? And she was like, Yeah, it was okay, but it it wasn't strawberry. And I was like, wait, what? Because that that should have been strawberry. She was like, No, that was vanilla ice cream with nuts. I was like, uh wait, what? That I I checked again, I was like, it's not strawberry. She was like, no, definitely not strawberry. We ate the other, we ate the first two the other night. I remember. Right. And now I am not stoned anymore because now it it I get tunnel vision, I get brought back into the present moment fully. I'm like, I might have just killed my girlfriend. At worst, it's food poisoning, but yeah, she might die now because uh because you're high. Albert Einstein died of food poisoning, it's possible, right? Uh, but I think it was Albert Einstein, I think that's how he died. Might be Ben Franklin, I'm thinking. The dude married his cousin, who cares? Anyway, one of those motherfuckers died of food poisoning, but anyway, uh, so I'm like freaking out, and now she's kind of freaking out. And I was like, if you want to go throw that up, that's probably not a terrible idea because I don't remember when I put that in the fucking freezer. Yeah. And she's like, no, it's okay. I don't, you know, I don't want to do that. And uh, and I so I am racking my fucking brain. Yeah, I know. Now I know you were racking your brain. No, I know. Hold on. So I'm gonna get to that. So then I I'm sitting here, I'm like, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck? And uh, so we talk it out, and we think what happened, because it was a plain white package. Now, this company is like a name brand that does the yogurt pops. Yeah, they have a design on the outside every time. Yeah, like all and it's a different color based on the flavor and everything. So we know it's not one of those now, but I think the strawberry ones was just a white sleeve. She remembers that too. That the strawberry ones didn't have the color. So it nothing high signed me. Had she said after the first bite it's vanilla, I would have been like, Don't eat that then. You know? Yeah. She didn't say shit. Right. It's a little bit on her, a little. And she goes, What did you give me?

SPEAKER_00 50:59

Like, you ate it. You I made sure I was I was willing to go to the other room and get you the fucking fresh one, like, motherfucking.

SPEAKER_01 51:07

So that's part of why I'm freaking out because I'm like, oh, you're gonna blame me? Like, what the fuck? So I surmise that when we first moved into the house, we went through a a nice stint of time where we would get little like freezer treats, you know, little ice cream Sammies and uh whatnots. So I think what happened was one time I brought two of them out here, like, hey, you want one? And she said no, and I put it back. I put one of them in that freezer, right? And then, like I said, it got hot out here and it melted it. So, what that's let's, you know, at most it's a year and a half old. Okay, that's surviving. It's probably about a year and a half old, and but we don't know how how hot it got, and we don't know how long it was melted. There's like a lot of factors, yeah. And that was a few days ago. She had a digestive issue the next day, uh, but otherwise she's fine. Cool. But still, it fucking freaked me out, and that's why I messaged Tyler and I said, Hey, do you happen to remember putting any kind of freezer ice cream treats in the freezer? Yeah. Because if you'll recall, Tyler, for the year that I lived in the apartment, that fucking thing was unplugged, right? That whole year it was unplugged in my closet in the closet unplugged. So had you put a vanilla for a vanilla ice cream treat in that freezer back when you had it at your ex's house, if I remember right. Um it's five years old.

SPEAKER_03 52:48

That would be insane.

SPEAKER_01 52:49

And also, I feel like if you open that, it would be rancid. Even if it was frozen, you would be able to tell it's rancid. It was rancid at one time. I mean, it's a dairy product. As it melted, as it began to melt, it would start to stink and you would know. But then regardless, it freaked me out and it was a whole thing. And I messaged you and you said, absolutely not, I think, if I remember right.

SPEAKER_03 53:10

Well, yeah, because when I read it, I was like, We've known each other for a long time. I know, but I had to check. Anxiety made me check. You've never, I know you've never seen me eat ice cream in any way, shape, or form the whole time we've known each other. Right. Because I don't think that I have since I was a kid. Right. You're not a big ice cream guy.

SPEAKER_01 53:32

And I knew that, but I was like, maybe you're chick. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 53:36

Now that you said that, it makes sense. We're like, you know, maybe when I was living with her that that could have been a thing. And I mean, maybe a little bit of hyperbole. I've had a milkshake here or there, but that's different. It is different. It's not ice cream. I don't buy shit like that. I go to a place.

SPEAKER_01 53:51

The spoon and the straw is a big difference. Yeah, if you can eat it with a straw, it's not ice cream.

SPEAKER_03 53:57

Like, I've had a blizzard, but that's the thing. Like, I go to a place because it's like the one time this year I want exactly.

SPEAKER_01 54:04

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, that that happened the other night. I was gonna do it, do it on the Patreon, but it's kind of perfect for this.

SPEAKER_03 54:09

No, that yeah. I'm glad you remember popsicles because I was supposed to remind you. Yeah, yeah, and I forgot. Yeah, so I almost poisoned my girlfriend.

SPEAKER_01 54:17

That's pretty cool.

SPEAKER_03 54:18

Hilarious, but I'm glad you know that she's alright. Yeah, yeah. That's good. Same, yeah. Um, so honorable mention to popsicles. Yeah, what else?

SPEAKER_01 54:27

Um what's your number one? Or other honorable mentions if you had.

SPEAKER_03 54:31

I had one, but I can't remember it now. I didn't write the honorable mentions down. I just remembered, I thought about popsicles a lot. Well, yeah, phallic. Fallic food. Phallic foods for sure. Uh but popsicles was the one that came to mind. Because that one's like like hot dogs, dude. Technically, you could eat that sideways. You know what I mean? Like you can't really like a popsicle has a stick through it. You kind of have to shove that dick in your mouth.

SPEAKER_01 54:53

And sometimes you have to meet the popsicle where it is, which is gay as fuck. You gotta bring the hot dog to your face. One of them's less gay.

SPEAKER_03 55:01

Drinking through a straw.

SPEAKER_01 55:02

Oh, okay. Sucking a little tiny peck pecker.

SPEAKER_03 55:05

What are you doing? What are you doing? Put that little baby little weir in your mouth. What are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 55:10

That was one of them. When you're drinking out of a fucking cup, it's like a wide open cunt you're putting your mouth on. Dude.

SPEAKER_03 55:17

This is gonna this is gonna drive a wedge between us.

SPEAKER_01 55:22

I'm gonna shoehorn it in, dude.

SPEAKER_03 55:25

Um, yeah. Ever since I was, I don't remember what age, every time I've gotten a drink from a place, unless I'm driving.

SPEAKER_01 55:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 55:35

I take the lid off and I drink it out of the I don't like I don't like straw. That's how straight you are, dude. I know, yeah. I'm full strews neuro, dude. The guy who has famously been pegged multiple times is so straight. The guy who has stickers out there on people's water bottles that they take to work where he's got a fucking strap on on, being called peg man. Straightest guy, you know. Yeah. No, I just I don't like straws for some reason. Oh, okay. Not a big fan. All right. I don't like the you know, I get like the the metal containers for water. I I don't fuck with I don't like the ones with straws beyond the fact that I don't like using straws, you can't get that clean. No. And I'm super fucking anal.

SPEAKER_01 56:20

Well, they they do make the little brush. That's the only way. Yeah. But that's that's pretty gay. That's true. What I got a little whisk that I gotta put down in my fucking straw to clean it.

SPEAKER_03 56:31

I don't like buying shit that I have to buy other shit to make sure to accommodate it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh I just get the ones where you unscrew the lid and then now it's a cup, basically. Yeah, yeah. Uh or like a bottle, like a Gatorade bottle with a lid. Um what's I'm I'm hype for this number one. Dude, number one, undeniable. If you haven't thought of it yet, when I say it, you're gonna be like, that is obviously number one. Yeah. The number one ready item on the list of stuff that we thought was gay when we were teenagers earrings. I thought of it first thing. Dude. Yeah. It's the one. Yeah. That was like there was a whole mythos around. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 57:15

Which ear was gay, and it went back and forth. I I remember it being right the most. Like the right ear made it gay. Left ear, it was fine. That's what I remember in Owensboro, Kentucky. That that was the convention there.

SPEAKER_03 57:29

You want to know something that's like funny but also kind of embarrassing? What? I don't remember because it confused me, because I'm like, is it your right or my right? Your left. I don't know. I'm I'm just not gonna do it.

SPEAKER_01 57:44

I remember judging dudes as a child. I remember being like nine and being like, what a queer this guy is with his fucking right ear with an earring in it.

SPEAKER_03 57:56

I erred on the side of caution to the point of like, why do you have earrings at all, dude? What pick a side? I don't care what side it is. You're gay, you have earrings. That's girl stuff.

SPEAKER_01 58:06

I liked it as a boy, like from the ages of like nine to fourteen, shit was just gay, and that's it. Oh, yeah. But then a little older and a little closer to manhood, and and you you get away with more gay shit being funny, right? Especially as a white dude, especially as a white dude. Because I remember my two friends walking around the mall holding hands. That shit was fucking hilarious, dude. They're walking around Fly looking at CDs together, holding hands the whole time, yeah, and can only use one of their hands for the bit, because you know, uh, because of the bit of holding hands. I am walking behind them hysterically laughing. That shit fucking got my goat, dude. So funny. Yeah. The gay shit, very funny as a uh when you're an older teenager, I would say.

SPEAKER_03 59:04

Yeah, it became ironic and it made your friends laugh.

SPEAKER_01 59:07

Did you also have rapport with your friends to like weirdly, it's a weird thing, but it's like you know they're straight. Like you guys have talked about girls so much with each other and how you want to fuck them that that you're like, you know, you've built up a rapport where you can get away with some gay shit. Oh, yeah, and you won't question it because you know they're yearning for pussy. I had things deep.

SPEAKER_03 59:31

I had several friends that we would jerk off in the same room.

SPEAKER_01 59:34

Same, yeah. Well, I had one, one friend, but still. Yeah. Well, I had a lot of people. Same days. I was really cool and popular. I didn't have that many, you're right. I had like eight friends, I had like eight friends, and only a couple of them were pretty close. Yeah. And they ended up betraying me.

SPEAKER_03 59:48

So back then. That's how I found out about micropenises.

SPEAKER_01 59:52

Yeah. One of them, one of my high school buddies who was full on atheist with me in high school, starts dating a chick right at the end of high school. We meet up, me and another buddy meet up with him and his girlfriend at McDonald's one night when we're like 19, and this motherfucker and his girlfriend start proselytizing to me. Oh no.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:15

Like, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_03 1:00:17

I will say, I the fuck is all this church shit, you bitch. I did date a girl when I was a teenager that I would I would go to church with her just to hang out with her. Oh, okay. Well, that's even though I that's totally different. I didn't believe in it. You didn't involve any of your friends. I became an atheist at 11 years old.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:34

Oh, I was a little later than that, but yeah. Um I was like 15, 14, 15 when I strongly questioned and official at 16, I would say. I was an early bloomer, I guess. Right around when I lost my virginity, actually. Like those happened real close.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:48

I had I had a moment, a thing happened that made me question it. And it was when I was at church with this girl. Her name was Jocelyn. The first the first thing that we ever did that was like kind of boyfriend, girlfriend stuff.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:03

Uh, we went on a hayride at the church one time. Nice. And she was chewing on a piece of uh banana flavored bubblegum. Nice. And she took it out of her mouth with her fingers and put it in my mouth with her fingers. Wow. And uh I was like, what the hell? And she said, A B C gum, already been chewed. And I was like, I will give up everything I've ever known for you. You're an angel. I'm 11 years old. I'll find a job to support our family. You know what I mean? Like that. I need to look up work boots, how much they cost. If I ever question my like what I'm attracted to sexually at that point, was when it went away. But I'd do anything for you, dude. I would have I would have fucking Oh my god, that's I would have probably smothered my mom with a pillow in her sleep or something if she asked me to after she put ABC gum in my mouth. That's hilarious. Oh my god, dude. That's so funny. I'll never forget that banana flavor. For as long as I live. Um, but yeah, that same year, because everything happened, all of this happened in like a two-month window. Wow. It felt like forever, but you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, we went to the fucking church, and uh actually, I think honestly, I think it was the same day because now that I'm I'm remembering how like everything worked out, the hayride makes it make sense because there was a lot of new people there. Uh they were having like some sort of event, right? Where like they wanted, oh kids come out, have fun, blah blah blah. And then at some point during that whole thing, they like pulled us all into the fucking steeple, the chapel, whatever. And uh we all sat in pews, and then there were several adults walking around, and there was the one dude up the MC, the the guy the host. Yeah, the host.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:12

Yeah, the the priest, the pastor, the brother of something or other.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:15

The brother, yeah. Yeah he was up there and he was talking about Jesus and stuff, and then he was like, I want to invite everyone now. If you never uh accepted Jesus Christ in your heart as your Lord and Savior, go ahead and do it right now. And then he was like, he started fucking doing it, right? He's saying all the well, you bow your heads now and pray with me now, and you just you know, he's like think all this stuff, I guess. I don't remember all the stuff that they said, but I very vividly remember looking down at the floor, going, What the fuck is this shit? Because I had no concept of this at all. I just knew the people cult. Yeah. That's what I I didn't know the words, but I was like, this feels weird. And then it felt our our father, did they do that shit? It was a where everyone else is doing it too. It was a first Christian church. I don't know if that's non-denominational or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:08

Uh disciples of Christ. I know that because I grew up in a first Christian church.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:14

I didn't grow up in a church, I just followed girls to churches and played basketball at them.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:19

I swooned. I I definitely swooned for the the chicks at my church, but nothing ever happened because they were all rich and I was not.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:28

Um, but I just remember he was saying a bunch of stuff, and I was staring at the floor, like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah. And I remember looking up, like I didn't move my head, but like, you know, my eyes were like doing the little black kid. Yeah, right. The meme where he's like side-eyeing. Yeah, yeah. Um, and I'm looking around and I'm like seeing all these kids with their heads bowed, and they've got like some of the adults that were wandering around the room, like crouched down, like talking to them. Oh, and no, that's not the first Christian church I know. Everybody was crying. I hate that. Everybody was crying. That sucks. And you know, I don't think they were doing anything nefarious to the kids. I think they were just like, you need to, you know, tell Jesus you want to accept him. You know, like that kind of thing. Like encouraging them to, you know. But still, I don't like that. I didn't like it at all either. I was 11 and I thought this is fucking weird.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:20

Let people pray in their own, like let people that's a personal thing. Let them do it. Yeah. If if they're bowing their heads and participating, like, fucking leave them alone.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:30

Everybody was weird. I thought it was so fucking weird that everybody was crying. It seems like an excuse to touch a kid. That's fucking weird. I don't like that. I didn't like anything about it. And then I remember the the dude said something about like, you know, everybody was very emotional, and it was like he was playing off of that and going, like, you can feel Jesus in your heart now. And I was like, Of course, yeah. I feel nothing but weirded out. Yeah. And I never want to come back to this. And ever since that day, I had a super fucking like apprehension. I I didn't know any better. I assume this is every church in America. Every church in the world. This is exactly what happens. And in my head, I was like, if that's what happens in church, I don't want to fucking go. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:12

We should do a fart mouth field trip to the black church in town. I would I would love that more than anything ever. If we well, I wish I I wish I knew. Yes, they will. I wish I knew that we would be in any kind of shape to go the Sunday after the fart party.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:31

Jesus fucking Christ, dude. That would be the craziest thing that's ever happened.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:37

Four hours of sleep.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:40

If that, dude, I'm gonna be still awake on acid.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:44

I'm gonna look disheveled and insane. Dude, we're not gonna be the only ones who look like that, I promise. Dude. What the fuck? And all we gotta do is wear like a half-ass decent shirt. That's it. And they'll let us in. For sure. We're going with my slayer shirt. Dude.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:02

Rain and blood.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:03

How fucking funny would it be to go to the black church and try to participate as much as we can get away with without like getting the shit beat out of us by like seven black dudes in the parking lot? Jeez, Louise. Anyway, we should try that.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:19

Jake's over there trying to hit harmonies on when Jesus walks.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:22

Absolutely, I will. Wing! Yeah, dude. I'm gonna be singing along, no doubt. I'm gonna be clapping and still be tripping. Let's participate. No, I'm not not after the fart party, but just me and you go sometime. That would be fun as fuck. Sober, I would love that. Dude, that would be lovely.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:38

Yeah, I'd I'd go in a polo and fucking my nicest pair of jeans.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:43

That'd be legit. You might see some from someone from work. Like it's not there's a non-zero possibility. That's facts. And then they will be like, what the fuck? And then just blame it on me.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:53

What is this cracker doing here? Um, yeah, that would be insane. Wow. Yeah, earrings are gay.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:59

Earrings, yeah. Don't wear earrings. Okay, so I have a surprise thing that's gonna be very short. Okay. And then I have this story. So we're probably gonna be hitting another one.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:07

I have a little something little quick update.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:10

Can I do my quick update and then I'm done for the whole episode? Uh I'll just sit here and listen and have fun.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:14

Uh yeah, I mean, yeah. It's super quick. Yeah, sure. All right. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're actually it's not. You do your shit. Oh fuck. It's not quick. It's not that quick. Oh, okay. Can I have 10 minutes? Uh sure. I mean, we're probably pushing an hour 40. I don't think we're gonna have time for the story.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:31

I think I think we let the story marinate.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:34

Yeah, we'll we'll uh yeah, it'd be good to have uh local chef's final story on the main and us email him on the Patreon the same week. Same week, yeah. I agree.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:46

That's better.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:47

So next week is the final local chef story, maybe ever. But we, you know, hoping not.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:54

I don't think ever, even if he doesn't respond to our email, because he's still writing. That possibly.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:59

We don't know. I don't know if that's a burner. I I don't know. We're pretty sure he's still writing. He should be because the spacing of the stories makes sense for he's getting another big one ready right now, as we speak. We got part ones out there with no part two companions. Do we?

SPEAKER_03 1:09:16

I think. Uh I don't think so. What happens when he gets to the bottom of the elevator?

SPEAKER_01 1:09:22

Oh, you're right. Okay, so yeah, but he didn't label it part one. It was just a lot of people. I want to know what Samuel L.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:26

Blackson has happened to the bottom of the elevator.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:28

I know, dude. Uh, so I thought of some of these earlier based on the request from last week. Oh, I thought about saying something to you, but then I was like, wait, you can just do it next week. Fuck it. Who cares? Okay. I'll just do a few. Okay. And uh because this is the I'll just say, second half comebacks is what we found out, what we found out doing this segment, we don't have the drop, I don't think. I'm looking right now. Oh god damn it, we do. I was looking for an S earlier.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:58

It's a second up comeback.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:02

So what what we found out, I haven't heard that instead of that feedback at the end. Uh, but what we found out when we did this was some weeks you're in the mood for writing second halves, and they come to you pretty quickly, and they're they make you chuckle when you think of them and awesome. And then other weeks we would be like you would be like, what about second halves? And I'd be like, sure. And then I'm trying to think of them, and none are coming to me. And then when we do the show, mine are shitty as fuck. But I had a good time today thinking of these second halves, and uh anyway, opening the door for you to do it next week if you want, but I happened to think of it earlier, and uh also I kind of didn't want to put it on you to like scramble to think of some.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:46

Yeah, that would not have gone.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:47

Anyway, so so that's why I didn't say anything. Sorry if you're offended, not sorry if you're not. Anyway, here we go. Just don't say the C word, we'll be fine. Oh, I'm gonna. Uh it's not in any of these, but I'll I'll shoehorn it in somehow, maybe. Uh Palestinians don't deserve to live under such an oppressive regime. Right, right, nice. My girlfriend gassed when I hit her. G spot from behind. Oh shit. All dogs go to hell. Because they don't ask for consent. Dogs be raping, guys. I don't know if you know that. I thought you were gonna say Jesus' forgiveness.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:32

Because that is the easy one-way ticket straight to the pearly yees.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:37

They're not they are not believers in our Lord and Savior, and they don't ask for consent. They're double going to hell. Yeah. All right, here we go. This is my last one. Got in my Uber the other day, and it's another black guy. I wish they could get a job in this town. Oh my god. A good job in this town.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:58

Good job.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:58

A good job in this town. That's what I meant to say. Good job. So rude. Yeah.

unknown 1:12:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:04

Okay, cool. Yeah. It's been a long time, man.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:07

It's been a while.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:09

For sure. To quote workaholics. Since you mentioned, it was a request uh made by a Spotify comment. Yes. And we have a Spotify comment from this previous week that I'm glad I mentioned that. Pull up right quick.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:22

I'm glad I reminded us.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:26

It's another one that I'm like. Oh, that's not the right episode. I hate when my phone does this. Next up. Here we go. Another one that I was like, what the fuck, man? Okay. These people. I don't know where they're coming. Where they're coming up with this shit, but these cunts. This is a two-parter. Okay. Grim Skies says, if I was a quote unquote make a wish kid, I would wish for a segment that followed the format of Mad Libs, but give it the fart mouth treatment. The segment would be called Big Libs. Because, well, you know. First of all, Grim Skies, I'm not gonna like throw you under the bus here, but we've done this before. We have, yes. Usually we do it with a guest. Yeah. And uh, you know, it's difficult. It's easier when it's just me and Jake because, like, you know, we fart mouth once a week. Our guests don't fart mouth practically ever. So it's hard to put guests on the spot to think of like a funny little nugget to throw in there.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:33

Verbs and nouns and whatnot, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:35

Yeah, but I think um I I remember the last time we did it, and it like wasn't super streamlined. Like it was still funny and everything, but it yeah, it was like getting to the getting to the meat. We had a lot of fucking broccoli to eat to get to that meat.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:52

And it was like the it was like the beta test of broccoli gate. Yeah. No, um, we we thought of like maybe trying to w work it in that we plan ahead for it a little bit more. Yeah, we would have to.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:08

I mean, uh I think the the times it's worked the best. There was one time where uh you pulled up a thing online and it kind of did it for us, and we just said dirty things instead of what it was trying to go for. Uh, we just fart mouthed it up with their like innocent thing online. Yeah. And then there was another time I got a wild hair up my ass, and I made a fucking Mad Libs template. Do you remember this? I do. I made one, and that time I felt like was pretty successful, yeah. Uh, because it was already made. Yeah. Uh so it would have to be that, and I can do that. I would be willing to do it again because it was fun. Uh, but uh maybe maybe we uh you know switch out one of the segments for a Mad Libs segment like one week.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:56

I think it still works best as with a guest because it does, it's not just you and me back and forth, and you know, it can get stale where we're coming up with the same words and thought processes across the board. It helps to break it up. We just I agree. We have to pick and choose which guest, and I think that we know the two that are the three that would be the best to do that. Yeah, and that's when we have little Andy, yeah, Nick, and Jodie B. Right. Those are gonna be the best ones, and I can't believe that I thought of Jodie B last because that dude would be a fucking sniper assassin Jason Bourne with that shit. Yeah. Jodie B would come up with some off the fucking wall shit for that. So I think he would too, yeah. You know, and and far party aside, we're due for a guest episode. It's been a hot minute. Yeah. Um, so and I've I've been talking to, you know, me and me and Lil Andrew, we've been pals since he was too young for me to admit that I was friends with him.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:56

Um, and you know, we go off and on with our like amount of talking. Sometimes we'll go a few months without saying a fucking word to each other.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:04

And then one of us will send something to the other, and the other one will respond, and then boom, like we're right back in the saddle. Uh, and we've been chatting a lot lately, especially now that he's most likely gonna be at the fart party. Sick. Um that's so sick. Yeah. He offered to bring me because he works for a distributor of beverages now. Oh, nice. And he said he would bring me a case of fucking straw bango flavored ghost. That's my favorite energy drink of all time. Have you had the Welches? I've had the Welches, yeah. It's not bad, dude. I've had every flavor of Ghost. I used to be like super duper into it. I don't really buy energy drinks anymore because of the money aspect of it, but uh straw bango is my favorite. Welches is my third favorite, actually. Peaches is my second favorite.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:47

I just saw that it literally had the Welches logo on it, and I was like, oh, that's gotta be pretty decent.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:53

They have a 7 up one now that's like better than 7 up. It's very tasty. Uh it's definitely not ate up, you you might say. Maybe.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:02

Uh you're ate up. Idiot. Got him. I saw it in my mind's eye, and then you did it.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:09

Yeah. Um, but uh yeah. That those would be the best guess for that. And then Arden, frequent commenter on Spotify, replied. Hell yeah. Keep them common, dude. If I was a make a wish kid, I'd want to see John Cena. That's so fucking stupid. I don't know why it makes me laugh. Uh, but it cracks me up. I was like, yeah, man. Sure. Sure thing, buddy. Me too, yeah. That would be awesome.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:54

Well, because you can't see him, you know.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:56

Oh, I guess, yeah, it was uh a joke that went over my head. I'm not uh uh yeah, not as into wrestling, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:05

Well, I'm not either, but that it comes up in memes. Yeah, I haven't been since John Cena was big, you know. Yeah, I guess I I was not into wrestling by that time. I think I'm just a fucking moron. I already started liking girls by then, so I I got out of the wrestling thing, but um oiled up dudes didn't do it for me no more.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:22

Yeah, honorable mention watching wrestling once we were teenagers.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:27

I can't wait till my chick does the Blackberg thing. That's gonna be so sweet. Oh yeah. Blackberg. If you want to see Blackberg, you gotta come to the fart party and or have a friend that's coming to the fart party who can take a picture of it for you.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:40

By the way, everybody's invited. Like, we've been talking about our pals, but those are the people that we like hanging out with and haven't seen in a while. So there's like a nostalgic, like, come hang out. We've been they've been to previous far parties, like, we like partying with those guys, but we also want to party with strangers. So if you want to come, like just come. Let us know, and we'll give you information. Yeah, you don't have to, you know, be shy.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:07

Don't do anything disrespectful, or all of our pals are gonna kick your fucking ass.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:11

All the people that came to the first party were strangers, all of them. Um some of them we'd never talked to, we'd never had a conversation with. We had a that dude from Virginia. Yeah. He drove here from Virginia. We'd never talked to him before. Right. Complete stranger. There was another one from New York? I think so. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:34

I'm trying to remember dude's name.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:35

I can't remember where he's Austin.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:38

Maybe. Maybe. I think his name was Austin. I think so. I he was cool as fuck. Um very cool. I uh uh that dude smoked so much fucking weed. I know. Sorry, Austin, but I was also stoned the entire time you were here. Yeah. Sorry for not remembering your name.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:53

I was hammered the first night.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:55

It was years ago, and at this point, and also I was stoned as fuck. Yeah. And I got sick the night before. Yeah. I was stoned as fuck. I was on asset. I'm sorry I don't remember your name. Yeah. You were cool though. I liked you. Yeah. Come to this one. Still like you. Come to this one. I know it's nine hours of driving or what the fuck ever.

SPEAKER_03 1:20:12

Yeah, you could hit link up with somebody halfway. I remember you talking about cars and shit. Yeah. I was I was aware of you. That the the one dude from Virginia got rear-ended on the way here. Is that right? Yeah, I think we're conflating two people. Might be. Dude, honestly, dead ass. Straight up. I've been so fucking fucked up at those parties. I know. How am I gonna remember everything?

SPEAKER_01 1:20:39

I know, dude. I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, buddy. Maybe that's why I'm thinking of cars because of that. But I I don't know. But I do remember someone did get re-ended on the way.

SPEAKER_03 1:20:48

Far parties the first place I ever met our drummer and our band. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Um that's crazy. But yeah, strangers, welcome and invited and encouraged.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:58

Oh, what's funny is you saw him drum in the previous video. Right, yeah. Yeah, and then well, no, those are two different fart parties. Oh, really? That's how fucked up we get at the fart parties. Is something could totally happen at what one or the other, and I will think it's the other one. I've done that too. For sure. They're a blast, dude.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:18

They're so fun.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:19

That's how you know they're so fun. Yeah. It's such a it's a blur of fun. Yeah. The whole time. It's it's and then you go outside and there's someone laying in the grass on mushrooms, and then, you know, and then you throw some shit on the fire, you hang out outside and listen to some music for 20 minutes, talk to people, and then you go inside and you play NBA Street Volume 2 on the PS2 that still works.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:44

At least five times. Chicken boiler. At least five times throughout the night, I will have like a miniature panic attack and remember that I'm responsible for all these people. I know. And then I will be like, nah, they're all good.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:54

It's fine, and I'll just like push that thought out of my mind. Dude, you have no idea. I cannot count the amount of times because anxiety plus acid plus everything else that's going on. Yeah. When I was sitting there playing NBA Street with Chicken Boiler, it had to have been 70 times that I thought I should be mingling. But I'm fine. But I'm sitting here just playing with boiler because it's so fun. I feel like I'm 12 again. Yeah. With my buddy, like, yeah. That's how the party makes me feel. That's that's why I want to have a third one. For sure.

SPEAKER_03 1:22:33

It's a fucking absolute blast. Um anyway, come to the fire party. The last thing I have is a quick couple tiny little fuck fuck you piece of shit updates. I hit the bowl for this. Hell yeah, dude. The Brendan thing, the old old man named Brendan. That's sad that you're old and that you're the first Brendan ever. Yeah. That thing where he was a dick to me and I called him out in the middle of the thing. Um, so okay, I'm gonna call it. He gets fired.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:05

Keep going.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:06

Okay. So um I got a follow-up email about that meeting from one of the chicks that was in the meeting whose mouth was a gape when I told him to shut up and all that stuff. Yeah. So I wanted to just keeping everything transparent as fuck. I'm gonna read the email exchange verbatim. Okay. Um, I get so many fucking emails. I was gonna pull this up ahead of time, but I forgot about it. Here I come. Um, so she emailed me today and said, hey, my name is the lady. I'm in the client services department here at this company. I'm not sure if you remember, but I was in the meeting that we had. Hey guys, how could I forget she was the lady from Monsters Inc. How could I forget? Are you are you nuts? Of course I remember you, frog lady. Duh. But I was in the meeting that we had to support about a week or so ago. Uh, I just wanted to check in with you and see how things were going. Just let me know when you have a moment. Have a great day. Now, I felt kind of, you know, so after that, I didn't feel good. Right. I think I even mentioned that. Yes. So, like, over since that all happened, I've just been trying to be a little more mellow at work. Because not because I'm like afraid I'm gonna say something I shouldn't say or that I'm gonna get in trouble. It's like I don't want to have that icky feeling that I had to be a dick. So I've just been like, Bruce Lee, be like water or whatever, dude. Fucking black. Whatever that gook was talking about, the fucking liquids and such. Just trying to be chill. So I hit her back with, hey, good to hear from you. Certainly, the items that we discussed, especially those related to specific instances of issues we were having, have improved. Since that discussion, we've started using the process that you told us to use to submit new tickets, and it does seem to streamline communication. I appreciate you reaching back out and following up on this. Um super duper. I this is the last thing I said. I promise I'm more easygoing than the impression I may have given during our meeting. Just wanted to, you know, throw that little fucking thing out there. Like, hey, I know I was a fucking turbocock. Not usually like that to reiterate what I said at the end of the meeting. And this is the little nugget. This is a little fucking just a little diamond in the roof I found. Alright. She hit me back. I'm so glad to hear things have improved. Please keep my con well, I should have been reading this like I'm so glad to hear the lady from Monster Z. Yeah. So glad to hear things have improved. Please keep my contact info and let me know if I can help with anything. P.S. Listen very carefully. Don't even worry about what you mentioned as far as your impression. I felt your frustration and I understand more than you know. Have a great rest of your week.

unknown 1:26:15

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:17

That she put that in writing? Yeah. In an email that could be found by someone at her company.

SPEAKER_03 1:26:28

I mean, I think she knows. I'm not gonna say I know, but that means also a lot. It's ambiguous enough that she could be like, I I've been frustrated before. I understand. Yeah. You know, but I I read between the lines. No, for sure. Me and my big Boyne.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:46

Me and my big Boine, we figured out. Those lines have a pretty light opacity on them, brother. Like, you know, see what's up. Yeah, that shit got dialed down to 10% for me. Yeah. Uh you could see the forest for those very sparse trees. I think, dude.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:03

Yeah, those trees are in the middle of January in Canada.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:06

Ah, dude. And a different color than what's behind them, man.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:11

For sure, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:11

You can see.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:12

Those are some birch fucking trees on a black backdrop.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:16

Those ain't evergreens.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:18

You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. I was, I was very ah, dude, I was cheesing. I was like, oh, everybody hates him, just like Jake fucking said. I ne it never occurred to me that everybody surely hates this guy because he's all he's like this all the fucking time. He is your TF.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:33

You know what I mean? Yep. Yeah. He's that at that company.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:39

Surely everybody hates him because surely he's like that all the time. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. If he's like that with you the first time, you know, that you're getting to interface with him. Yeah. There's no way. Yeah, to a customer, a paying fucking customer. Right. There's no way he's not a dick to them. Surely. If he's in that meeting, he's higher up than a lot of the people around him.

SPEAKER_03 1:28:00

Right. Yeah, yeah. He's I could tell, you know, he's been at his position for a while.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:07

Shaking his d old dick around.

SPEAKER_03 1:28:09

Right. Um, so yeah, that happened, and I was very happy about that. And another another thing happened. This is kind of like a mini fuck you piece of shit. Dude, so there's we are in the retail world. We sell things, right? So every retail establishment needs some sort of point of sale device, whether it's a tablet or a computer that's running software. We pay for software to run our POS. Right. It's the people that I just was talking about, actually. Right. They sell us that software. Um, but there's other companies, obviously, that do so. Sure. And uh years ago when we were like looking for who we were gonna buy the software from, we had three different companies that were in the running. Yeah, we ended up going with the one that I've been talking about before, but two of the others we turned down, obviously. Yeah, one of those companies, I'm not gonna say their name, but they kept my contact information. And for the last five years, I've been getting emails from these people, marketing shit that I just ignore. I've actually added them to my block list on my email, so they just go straight to my junk folder. I don't fuck with it. Um, but they have salespeople, and occasionally they'll call, they'll hit the reception desk because I've never replied to these emails, they don't know what my extension is. So they just get reception, say, Hey, I want to talk to Tyler. They ask who's calling, they tell them, reception calls me, they say, Hey, you got this company on the phone that wants to talk to you. And I say, You can send them to voicemail, but you might as well just hang up on them because I don't want to fucking talk to them. Like, I don't give a shit. And they're like, Okay, whatever. So they know like that if that company calls, I don't want to talk to them. So I don't even have to go through that process anymore. They just send them straight to my voicemail. Our reception people are exceptional at reception. Um, so I got a call from the lady at reception yesterday, and she says, Hey, I've got Google on the phone asking for you. Now, this sounds silly, right, guys? Like, oh, what fucking Jeff Google's calling you?

SPEAKER_01 1:30:28

The Google?

SPEAKER_03 1:30:28

No, there's 7,000 people that work at Google, and yeah, there actually are cases where I talk to people at Google. Nice, they don't just have Google.com. They have you ever heard of a Chromebook? Well, we have 350 of them, okay? So, like, I buy Chromebooks, and sometimes like we have a special management console that we use to deal with those. Sometimes there's issues. I put in tech support tickets, Google calls. Sometimes when we buy the Chromebooks and we pay for the management license on them, there's an issue, and they have to call me to clarify certain technical stuff. So I've actually had three or four phone calls from quote unquote Google before. And we just so happened to recently buy a new 30 Chromebooks with management licenses, and it just like it had just happened. The time frame was absolutely perfect. So I was like, I guess, yeah. I guess we just yeah. So there she was like, All right, I'll send it over to you. And I was like, okay. I answered the phone, and she was like, Hey, this is blah blah blah from the POS software company, and I was like, Hi. And she just immediately went into her sales pitch, and I said, hang on for just a second. She's like, okay, and I set my phone down and I I just stared at the wall and I was like, This fucking bitch lied to our reception people, and the best lie she could come up with was I'm from Google. Yeah. And I fell for it. Yeah. Now I threw all those caveats in there to tell you why I fell for it.

SPEAKER_01 1:32:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:32:12

And it's all true, but like, fuck.

SPEAKER_01 1:32:17

That's so shitty. Okay, does this the does she know you use Chromebooks? Is that did you say that? No, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_03 1:32:24

This lady should not have there's no background information that this bitch would know that would lead her to believe that I would think that's it.

SPEAKER_01 1:32:31

I was thinking like maybe her software worked with Chromebooks only or something. So she knows that you're a Google. Maybe there's a little more like cleverness to it.

SPEAKER_03 1:32:40

Their software would not work on Chromebooks.

SPEAKER_01 1:32:42

So she just threw some shit at the wall.

SPEAKER_03 1:32:44

She was like Google would work. Uh Google, yeah. There's like a fucking potpourri. It was uh mad she mad-libbed her way through the phone system and got through to me.

SPEAKER_01 1:32:54

And and you know hey, respect a little exactly a little. That was the It's annoying as fuck, but like I respect the hustle of like you have a commission based pay, probably.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:06

So here's the three reasons I wasn't an asshole. Number one, like you said, I respect the hustle. Number two, I've been trying to be less of a dick lately. Yeah, okay. Number three, she actually sounded really nice. She sounded like a she sounded like a nice lady who just so happens to be a fucking cunt.

SPEAKER_01 1:33:29

Thank you. She's a she's a POS POS.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:32

Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes you gotta know be your product to know your product. Yeah. Um be the POS. So I was like, I picked up the phone and I was like, all right, go ahead. And I just sat there and listened to her sales pitch. And every time it was my turn to talk, I would just say, yeah, we're just not really interested in switching right now. I just was nice to her. And when it was all said and done, I had to like give a firm no. I was just like, yeah, no, I'm sorry. I don't, I'm not interested in scheduling a follow-up to talk to you more about a product that I don't want that we're not gonna buy. So I just in respect of my time and yours, like, I'm just not gonna do that. She was like, okay, well, can I send you an email? I was like, sure, it's gonna go to my junk folder anyway. Right, right, right. You know, so I just like sure, that's fine. It's like, all right, well, have a good day. And I was like, you too. I hang up and I was like, fucking. So I went and I told the reception lady, I was like, they got through, they broke through the walls. Your defenses were strong, but they were not strong enough. They hacked the mainframe, the barbarians got through the gates, and they fucking raped and pillaged my phone system my ears. Yeah, dude. Uh wild. Wow, dude. What a week. Wow. Yeah. But other than that, life's great, dude. I'm I'm feeling good. Feeling good about life. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:34:57

Sleep's good. I didn't know if I should go fucking cunt really loud. No, I liked what you did, but I thought, you know, understated.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:06

I couldn't tell if you were unsure of what I was trying to get you. No, no, I got it.

SPEAKER_01 1:35:11

Yeah, yeah. I was gonna say POS P-O-S then, but then I just said it right after. No, you did it perfect. Proud of you. I was like, that's right there, dude. Yeah, I'm nothing if not a low-hanging fruit grabber. Yeah, he's uh he firmly grasps it. Yeah. Whole pear hands, Jake. Yeah, I got a I got a tight grip on that low-hanging fruit, dude. I'm not letting go. Jake said, You like apples? Wait a minute, them's the same letters.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:38

How about these apples?

SPEAKER_01 1:35:43

My brain was like POS, POS. Oh, yeah, the the segment. This is the name of the segment.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:50

Love it. All right. Well, thanks everyone for listening. I hope you had a good week. Hope you enjoyed the sode. I hope the rest of your week freaking just flies right on by, dude. And you fucking cruise right on into the weekend.

unknown 1:36:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:04

And you drink a beer. Yeah. Perhaps you rip a little spliffy, dude. Hey.

SPEAKER_01 1:36:10

People don't say spliff enough anymore. No, they don't, and spliffy is nice. Uh I like that. Um, I'm gonna start saying spliffy for sure. Shout. I'm gonna shoehorn that in. Nice. Just like I have cunt this entire week.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:23

Next week's the spliffy episode.

SPEAKER_01 1:36:25

Spliffy sounds like a DJ or a some avant-garde. Cartoon character, maybe. Yeah, maybe, yeah. With smoke constantly rolling out of his head.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:36

Yeah, if they if they made a cartoon starring like a little anthropomorphized joint. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:36:41

Hey kids, it's me, spliffy.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:36:43

You shouldn't smoke me, but I'm gonna hang around you anyway.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:36:46

Maybe he'll catch a contact buzz.

SPEAKER_00 1:36:50

Let's go in a small room. Let's go in a combined space. Hang out in your car with me and your mom. She got laid off recently. She's gonna smoke me anyway.

SPEAKER_01 1:37:01

Uh and it would have to be like brown and green stuff coming out of the bottom of him, right? Yeah. Because he's a spliff. Right.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:08

But it's uh tobacco and weed.

SPEAKER_01 1:37:10

Tobacke. Which I just do naturally anyway. I smoke weed and I immediately smoke a cigarette. So, like, that's the same thing.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:18

Yeah, dude, you gotta you gotta keep your lungs guessing what's going on.

SPEAKER_01 1:37:21

It's just a prolonged spliff. It's just like a protracted spliff.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:26

It's like those people. It's like when you're when you're fucked up and you want chocolate milk, you squeeze a little turp in your mouth, take a drink of water, and switch it around.

SPEAKER_00 1:37:39

It's exactly like that.

SPEAKER_01 1:37:41

Yeah, dude. It should be a verb, spliffing. That's when you smoke weed and cigarettes at the same time.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:46

Yeah, or any of the two, like a combo, like if you if you take a bite of dry cereal and then wash it down with milk.

SPEAKER_01 1:37:53

Spliffing.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:53

Dude, he's spliffing his cereal right now. That guy's freaking crazy, man.

SPEAKER_01 1:37:57

Combining two things in your mouth, because that's what happens with spliffing. Yeah, consuming two things at the same time, kind of separately, but at the same they're two separate things at the same time. Chasing a fucking shot. You get it, chasing a shot with a drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're spliffing bruise, you're spliffing brews. You're spliffing booze, dude. Dude, it's spliffs spliffception. Whenever motherfuckers, if you would hit a spliff, hold it in, hit a beer. Whoa. You know what I mean? Chuck a beer, and then blow it out. There was a fucking video. Try spliffery. A guy was at the top of a fucking cliff overlooking a river, and he fucking hit the fucking blunt, took the beer, and blew it out. Like, wait, no, he he fucking hit the blunt and then blew it out right before the beer chug. And I'm like, that sucks. You should be blowing that out on your way down to the water, you fucking idiot.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:57

You messed it up, and you don't get a second chance because that's a lot of walking.

SPEAKER_01 1:39:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:39:01

Back up to the top of that cliff.

SPEAKER_01 1:39:02

Yeah, it was. It was it was pretty high. It was uh probably at least 40 feet. Yeah, it was like high. So this fucking idiot, there's like a bridge and shit. This fucking idiot like blew the moment. Like, just don't jump. You if you let the fucking if you let it out before the chug, then just do it again. Just take another hit. You're gonna be immediately sober when you hit that fucking water.

SPEAKER_03 1:39:25

Yeah. Or if like, you know, you had already committed to jumping and like your brain wires, don't post a video. Right. You just don't post the video.

SPEAKER_01 1:39:34

Right. Do it again another day. Or wait, you you do it successfully another day, and then you post it as an outtake. Right. Like a couple days after the initial video, you get some residue fucking numbers.

SPEAKER_03 1:39:48

Yeah, I like that. I like that idea. Come on, man. Well, AI magic, maybe. Yeah. Fix it.

SPEAKER_01 1:39:55

Yeah, that's I mean, you could do that, but that was the magic. Two plumes of smoke.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:01

The first one doesn't really get edited outright.

SPEAKER_01 1:40:04

He's got uh, yeah, all the stereotypes. He's got six fingers.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:40:09

Nice wrapped around the beer.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:11

Anyway, I hope you have a good week and you guys like that. Uh Patreon.com slash fartmouthfartmath.com button you can give us money, and we will appreciate it. Patreon tried to get us to raise our prices, and we said, I don't open your emails. We said no, cunt. Right, yeah. We said that. We said that. We said no, you fucking dumb cunt Patreon. Jake, they're our listeners. They're not just your listeners, they're not just my listeners, and you're fucking embarrassing me. Oh, sorry. All right. At least he apologized.