Fartmouth
The most raunchy, stupid, and irreverent comedy podcast on the internet. The podcast equivilent of getting a lobotomy.
Fartmouth
320 - Marcin the Mime
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This week's show features...
Ssssssssssssssssssssssspooks
I was gonna do a cold open thing for this episode, but as it turns out, I don't fucking feel like it. So I won't.
SPEAKER_03The following filth is a production of the Farmacy University Chip Chip and General Department. Thank you for listening.
SPEAKER_02Where woke minds can find sleep, Farthmyth University. Killing bitches with guitar solos, call me Shredgeen, Fart Myth University. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You kind of threw me off because when you said killing bitches, I felt like it was so specific that I thought it was going to be about female dogs. Oh, no, no, no. Yeah. Killing just women. Yeah. I think you'd killed women. Maybe. Maybe. Next time? Uh huh. As a note. Okay, yeah. Just as a comedic com comedy professional.
SPEAKER_03Sure, sure. Maybe be a little bit more respectful to women. Killing women with guitar solos, call me shredgeen. Yeah. Or it would have been easier to say, too. Or sluts. I should have done that. Oh maybe. Okay. That's one syllable. I should have gone with that. You're right. I did not think of sluts. Killing sluts with guitar solos, call me shredgeen. Yeah, there it is. I should have workshopped it with you.
SPEAKER_00That's why they call me a professional. That's why they, meaning me, calls me a professional. Welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast, a show whose host was recently told that pressure makes diamonds. But after a high pressure situation was finished, I checked my pants and I'm pretty sure that diamonds don't smell like my own shit. Every week we do a few rotating segments and make each other laugh. I'm Tyler. I'm Jake. It's a bit of a heady joke. Um, we're gonna we're gonna hey, listen, guys. This is uh this is a spurgy spooks episode, so we're just gonna get into the stories. Unless you had any pressing matters that you wanted to get to, I actually, you know what? Before you even think of one, you're not gonna fucking believe this.
SPEAKER_04Sure.
SPEAKER_00You are legitimately not gonna fucking believe this. I'm ready, dude. A fourth fastener has entered a tire. No. I'm dead fucking serious.
SPEAKER_03What? What is it? What type of fastener?
SPEAKER_00I think it's a nail that the head is uh not part of the entire fastener. It's broken off.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. It's just the nail part of the cylinder.
SPEAKER_00I I went out to my truck uh on Sunday, I believe. And uh I got in, started up. It was a little bit chillier outside after a storm, I believe. I fired her up and uh on my little fucking dash panel thing, yeah, I got the notification that uh right rear, passenger rear, 24 PSI. Not ideal, as it turns out. No. So I thought perhaps the jank-ass Chinese plug that I screwed into my tire failed, and this is gonna be a funny moment where my fucking harebrained bullshit five dollar fix for this bullshit was not uh adequate. But I walked around and I took a peek, and I just so happened to be on the right rotation of said tire that I saw yet another metallic object. God damn it. Uh, you know, just twinkling at you. Fucking old, old passenger front. That dude, lucky. Yeah, evidently. If that dude fucking played the lottery, 50 bucks. Yeah, doggy. Right in his pocket. You had a magnet, bro. Yeah, so I I thought about that. I was thinking about it today, as a matter of fact, because I knew that I told when I talked to you about this and told you about it that you were gonna say that. I would suggest it again.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00What uh where what how? They don't just that's not like a fucking $2 item you just pick up off the shelf to solve your problem.
SPEAKER_03No, it's probably like 20 bucks, and it's it's like a broom with a magnet on the end of it. And you you take it outside and you fucking shit.
SPEAKER_00I pictured like a thing with two wheels on either side and a magnet. They do make that like a thatcher.
SPEAKER_03They do make that as well. Old school line. It has a magnet that spins and then but it has like a tray and it dumps the shit into the tray, like knocks the shit off the magnet into the tray. I have seen that as well. I have a coworker who has one. Okay. I wonder if, and he's the type of guy to let people borrow shit. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00He's proud of having tools. So I wonder if he would let me borrow. He's one of those guys like, I got that. I do just the thing for you, brother. I I could ask him. So I did have a thought.
SPEAKER_03We can work this out on the show right now, and then next week have an update of if he said yes or not.
SPEAKER_00I obviously I do not want to own a fucking lawn magnet thing.
SPEAKER_03I don't need if lawnmower fag magnets.
SPEAKER_00Let's just be conservative and say they're 30 bucks.
SPEAKER_03Oh my god, yeah. Because I think they're more. That one's gonna break in five minutes, though. Right.
SPEAKER_00Let's say they're 50 bucks. Right. I don't need to fucking own that. Right. How I I've lived 34 years of my life. I've never once needed one until probably now. Can you rent one from Home Deep? I thought about that too. And here's here's my thought. As I previously mentioned many, many times, I'm a piece of shit. I'm a scumbag fuck lord. Sure. I'm from the streets, I'm white trash. Yeah. I'm a proponent of occasionally using the Amazon rental method. Oh, yeah. Buy one, dude. Buy one on Amazon. Use it the one fucking time you've ever needed it your whole life and return that shit. I mean, that's gonna be a bitch to return, but still it's a little bit of a hassle, but you have to ask yourself the question Is a trip to the FedEx ship's pack and ship location just a quick drive over yonder? Mm-hmm. Do you stand in line maybe five minutes? Is that worth $50 to you? It is to me.
SPEAKER_03I don't know. Depends on the day, probably. Depends on my financial situation. Yeah, yeah. The financial situation is a much more, you know. Bro, if it's if it's past payday and it's the middle of it's just past payday and it's the middle of the month, yeah. I would drop $50 on something like that on a on a one-term problem.
SPEAKER_00Two months ago, pre-Garnish?
SPEAKER_03I own a fucking full lawn magnet forever now. Dude, you can look around this garage and probably find 50 of those purchases that I've made over the last decade of my life. I've got a ton of them.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00But I don't right, I don't have any of those that are uh currently in progress.
SPEAKER_03Bro, there's a there's a practice amp right there that is that thing that is an example of that, and that's a hundred bucks.
SPEAKER_00I've considered asking if you use that at all and if I can borrow it.
SPEAKER_03You can actually. You can borrow it.
SPEAKER_00I talked about a couple of like weeks ago, maybe a month ago or so, about uh wanting to get like a little fucking practice amp to keep in my living room.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And keeping my guitar right there so that I like write more riffs and stuff.
SPEAKER_03Oh, you're gonna want that practice amp then if you're playing guitar. That's a base amp. Man's got multiple fucking practices amps. Well, that's a I have a base practice amp and I have a guitar practice amp.
SPEAKER_00I thought about asking if I could just steal the the one that we have at the practice spot. Your orange. Oh.
SPEAKER_03Uh, I mean, you could. It's solid state, so I wouldn't. I mean, it'd be fine. Uh tubes you wouldn't want for a practice amp, obviously.
SPEAKER_00Uh, but uh I mean it's fairly big, but I would just keep it low.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. But that one over there would do the same thing as far as what you're talking about. And it has a handle on top.
SPEAKER_00I don't want to hassle you.
SPEAKER_03It has a handle on top.
SPEAKER_00You can just put it on. I don't want to hassle you, so instead I'll just spend $150 on a fucking lock.
SPEAKER_03It's right over there. You can take it home with you right now. Like, I don't care. I haven't I haven't touched the thing since I put it under that table when I moved in.
SPEAKER_00I didn't even know it was there.
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah, take your box of hooks, too.
SPEAKER_00Uh anyway. I'm bad at accepting help andor uh any type of uh courtesy.
SPEAKER_03When this episode ends, I'm gonna pick up that box of hooks and I'm gonna put it in the back of that amp, and I'm gonna fucking be like, take this with you. I'll be careful and put it in your laundry sack.
SPEAKER_00That's the problem, is I'm always carrying laundry when I leave here, and I'm like, nah, my hands are too full to accept it and put it in your passenger seat, right? Too full to accept any any kindness.
SPEAKER_03If it if it wouldn't take me a minute and a half and make a really awkward vamping section of the show right now, I would do it right now.
SPEAKER_00I think a lot of people are are rooting for you to do that just to just despite me for being such a fucking non-uh help accepting punt.
SPEAKER_03How about this? How about uh later at a at a opportune time, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna get up and I'm just gonna inexplicably get up, and you're just gonna have to either vamp or pause the show and go pee.
SPEAKER_00I don't want any of them to win, so I'm gonna do my very best to not allow you to do that.
SPEAKER_03All right.
SPEAKER_00One more thing. Uh, because I just thought of it and I know that I'm more likely to forget to do it later, I'm gonna do Spotify comments right now.
SPEAKER_03Oh, let's do it. Yeah. I think I did them two weeks in a row anyway.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Well, there was one week that we forgot to do them and we got fucking called out. Oh shit, yeah. Uh, that one week. But um I checked them between Patreon episodes earlier and I saw that we had uh some we had one new comment on an older episode that uh normally I would say, too late, bitch. But I thought it was kind of funny. Uh-huh. I gotta find it real quick. Uh I can't remember which episode. You know what? I screenshot it. What the fuck am I doing? I knew I wouldn't be able to find it. So I took a screenshot and I forgot.
SPEAKER_03You were so smart.
SPEAKER_00I know, right?
SPEAKER_03Um that's that's my entire life is having having really clever ideas and then not following through with them later. That's my whole life, dude.
SPEAKER_00Oh, I always I set myself up to do okay later, and then I forget that I did that. Exactly. That's it. Why would I ever do a favor for myself later?
SPEAKER_03That's what I'm meaning, yeah.
SPEAKER_00My whole life, I've been literally telling myself that's later me's problem. Yeah. And later me can go fuck himself because now me is selfish and doesn't feel like it.
SPEAKER_04Yep.
SPEAKER_00And every time I do uh exceed that expectation, uh-huh, I just fucking forget that I did it. Anyway. Same dude. Uh Jesse B said on uh Samuel L. Blackson, probably one of the premier episodes of all time. Um this is in reference to one of the local chef stories that you read, and I'm hoping to gun we get one more of those.
SPEAKER_03There's there's a couple more. Fuck yes.
SPEAKER_00Uh Jesse B said, if the main character of Jake's story died at the end, how did he post the story on Reddit? And this is a controversial comment, and I don't know if I agree with it, Jesse, but I'm gonna read it out anyway, because he followed it up with also bring back the second half comeback segment. Hey, I don't know, dude. I don't know. There's there's conflicting opinions out there in the Fartiverse. Some people fucking hate that segment.
SPEAKER_03Yep. If we did it, I feel like maybe the end of the show. Yeah, it's such a short segment to put at the end, but I don't, I mean, it is polarizing. So it's like, hey, if you like the segment, stick around to the end. Maybe we uh do a little plug at the beginning that we're doing it later, and then that way at the end, we can be like, if you hate second half comebacks, turn off the show now. Just fair. Go on to Stavros or Old Come Town or uh Legion's tanks or who yeah, who's right, whatever the fuck you're listening to. That's probably I want to say we are assholes, but then no. Uh BL's a button. Uh the graveyard of our friends. We really other than Jody B, like we're the fucking goats of our little podcast community. At the very least, we're the last men stand. Yeah, dude. We won the battle royale. It's us and Jody B. And he's already been shot, so yeah.
SPEAKER_00He's uh he's at we know his well, I don't know if that's a weakness or a strength. Is it stronger now that it's been shot? His face and hand? I don't know, man. I feel like probably the same. Honestly, the human body is an amazing uh piece of engineering emphasis on the nigga's getting all fart mouth. Um so we had a we had a comment on last week's episode uh so far. Okay, okay. Uh it was only a few days ago at this point, but Arden says, genuinely love the show and feel like y'all do your segments in a way that is uniquely fart mouth. Some sick part of me does miss the character work. What the fuck is wrong with our listeners, dude?
SPEAKER_03What? I mean, it has to be you miss laughing at us.
SPEAKER_00That has to be it has to be like a twisted, like listen to these fucking dorks. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Listen to them try to be Dan Soder for an hour in different worse ways. You can't imagine it's gonna get worse than it does. Let's let's now your voice was fine. Let's your main voice was fine.
SPEAKER_00Let's give Arden the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he's talking about George Cutney Jr.
SPEAKER_03Oh.
SPEAKER_00Maybe he's talking about the one good character I've ever done on this show.
SPEAKER_03No, I liked I liked the janitor that you used to do. You did okay with that. You did okay with that.
SPEAKER_00Randy the janitor was literally just my excuse to say shit that I really wanted to say, but it was afraid to say.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, true.
SPEAKER_00Like, how do how do I excuse myself to say fucked up shit about Jews without the any type of backlash towards me whatsoever? And I feel like I'm surely people that have done cartoons and or puppet shows have felt the same way, and that's why like maybe Matt and Trey Parker, yeah, Matt Stone and Trey Parker were like, I want to say I want to have a black chef guy and say a bunch of fucked up shit, but I'm not allowed to because I'm a white dude. Yeah, so let's hire Isaac Hayes to say all that fucked up shit. Exactly. Um but eventually I came out of my shell and I was like, you know what? I'll just say the N-word on the internet and fuck the consequences.
SPEAKER_03And then we started bleeping it because we realized we're starting to get a little bit of traction and we have something to lose now. And we're gonna get kicked off of all the platforms. That's a good point. We go too hard. So yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, luckily uh we haven't made enough waves that Spotify's been like, wait a minute. Yeah, luckily fucking pieces of shit. Um I I'll I'll yeah, thank you, Arden, for the comment. And you know, if you're talking about the George Cutney Jr. uh character, I don't disagree with you. I think honestly, I gotta I gotta start smoking weed again to get back into the headspace for that because I I was I was definitely in a different zone.
SPEAKER_03We should get more of those weed drinks, dude, for the pod. Yeah. I think that that like it doesn't get you like stoned, like sinking into the couch. It gets it just like gives you a little pep, just a just enough pep to be just a little whimsical and almost a little outside yourself. Like ego is a little just enough less of a thing that you're just being silly.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And you know, I I I question sometimes like the because we've done weed episodes in the past, yeah, and I've always thought, like, am I just laughing because I'm high? But then I realized, okay, like the thing that made me laugh the hardest last week was thinking about you and all those other kids around that goat pen. Yeah. And them goating you into getting into the goat pen. And the fact that thinking about it now is is like I'm holding back laughter. No, that shit was fucking straight up hilarious.
SPEAKER_03The goat did hit me in the nuts, too.
SPEAKER_00It's very I will say that maybe being a little bit high made me picture it more vividly. Right, yeah. And I I was watching a movie in my head of this little fucking dorky ass like four foot three version of you. Yeah. Kidding.
SPEAKER_03I was five something. I was I was fourteen.
SPEAKER_00Okay. I was like five one, five's two, maybe. Yeah, there's a huge difference between four nine and five. Oh, you're right.
SPEAKER_03I was close to my height. Actually, no, I had to have been. I had to have been pretty close to my height now, because like I've been the same size. I'm starting, my belly is just barely starting to poke out, but like I am the same size I've been since I was 14. So I must have been about the same height. I was probably like 5'5, 5'6.
SPEAKER_00I will say I'm a little bit proud of you for sticking up for yourself, at least on that one.
SPEAKER_03But uh, but yeah. Fucking uh you already know what the segment is, right?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we're gonna do Spooky Spooks. I'm gonna play the drop.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Spooky fucking spooks. Spooky fucking spooks, dude. We're doing I don't know if anybody likes this segment, but I sure do. How could you know? It's so fucking good, dude. It's just so it's so the segment now.
SPEAKER_03So I have a pretty long one. Okay. I just want to because I have I I could do two, for sure, two, but I have a pretty long local chef.
SPEAKER_00I've I have been embarrassed now on this show twice with my selection of spooks to read, that now I have done far better due diligence. And I would say that I spent a good three hours one day just digging through the fucking mucky muck of Reddit.com slash R slash no sleep. I have a nice little fucking stable of story bitches to fuck in front of all of you beautiful animals.
SPEAKER_02Hell yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_00And I know for a fact I've picked the one for sure I'm gonna read today, and if there's more time, I have a very short one that would also be palatable to you uh beautiful creatures.
SPEAKER_03You just have a little a little scarum of horror authors that you're that you get to fuck whenever you want.
SPEAKER_00That gave me one of those like tight pinched mouth smiles, you know, like a cheeky little thing.
SPEAKER_03It was definitely uh uh closer to Seth McFarlane than I usually get. Beautiful. Um, so yeah, I I have a short one. I'll start with that. Okay, and then I'll do the long one at the end, right? Because you have one? I have at least one. Okay, alright. Well, we'll see where we're at then. All right. So, but this one's this one's pretty short. Okay. It's your classic. It's your classic local chef's trying this genre of horror story. Uh the king of horror. This it's flared, supernatural. The title is this was written three months ago by local chef. The title is The Cargo from Arizona is moving.
SPEAKER_00Oh no.
SPEAKER_03Now I have noticed we've we've had what, like 10 or 11 probably stories from local chefs so far. Something like that. And uh uh that's probably gonna be too loud.
SPEAKER_00I'm working on it.
SPEAKER_03But uh uh we've had like 10 or 11 stories, and it's like he's each time he's trying a different type of story. He he's starting from a uh a place that a lot of other stories start from that he's read on No Sleep and Tales from the Creeps and all these Reddit, these subreddits. This one is called The Cargo from Arizona is moving. So we're we're talking about a working man who is forced in into moving something that uh the contents of the crate is nefarious.
SPEAKER_00Right. So working man, definitely not black this time.
SPEAKER_03Well, I don't know. Uh last time the the black guy was a security guard, so they they do have jobs, it turns out. In in local chefs' world, they do.
SPEAKER_00Um I think I think this is a grizzled, you know, country boy.
SPEAKER_02Oh, okay, all right. I guess.
SPEAKER_00If you want to put a little bit of that on it.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_00Some of your kinfolk from back in Tuckyway.
SPEAKER_03Alright, alright. That's gonna help with my sinus issues. Perfect. I have this weird story I have. Oh, you have it twice. God damn it, already. Already! It's hard to follow in a voice because he said I have twice.
SPEAKER_00I have this weird story I have. Such a great way to start a story, dude. Oh, the chef is just fucking.
SPEAKER_03He's cooking, dude. He's cooking on all cylinders. He's ripping these stories out of the oven, dog. Yeah, dude. I have this, I have this weird story I have when I worked in a warehouse seven years ago. Hell yeah. It's been bothering me for a few weeks now. I explain after you understand what happened. That that's not a sentence that makes sense, chef.
SPEAKER_00I am I would sell everything I own to live with local chef. I'm absolutely in love with this guy.
SPEAKER_03Uh, this Polish fucking I don't even know. I can't think of any nouns that I'm gonna do.
SPEAKER_00I would clockwork orange myself with gay porn just to fucking please him.
SPEAKER_03Oh, fucking local chef, dude. You Polish masterpiece. It's December 2018. I was at my lunch break, sitting while doing some paperwork while I eat. You're doing a lot. That's multitasking. Damn. I deal with the new cargo that comes in while I was eating Oh, it's a name. While I was eating, Marcin, M-A-R-C-I-N. That's a name.
SPEAKER_00Marcin, he's a Frenchman.
SPEAKER_03While I was eating, Marcin came and sat next to me and spoke. I I can't do a French accent. I heard some cargo is coming from the USA. I can't do it. I'm not gonna try. Marcine said while pulling out a Red Bull. Yeah, from Arizona. I said, filling the checkboard. Marcin took a sip of his Red Bull and said, Arizona, that's South or North. I looked at him with a raised eyebrow. How would I know? I don't give a shit. I said, looking back down, all I know is New York, been there once.
SPEAKER_00Oh, this guy is not American at all.
SPEAKER_03How okay. So you're in charge of cargo, but you don't know where Arizona is in relation to where you are? Where did he say he was? I don't think he said. He didn't say.
SPEAKER_00No, we just I mean, I made the conjecture that because he's hauling cargo, he's a grizzly American. Yeah, so did I. Southern boy.
SPEAKER_03Not a clueless piece of shit.
SPEAKER_00This guy's so fucking not American, and that makes it even better that he's Southern.
SPEAKER_01Arizona's West.
SPEAKER_03That's what he should have said. I don't know.
SPEAKER_01Anyway. It's in the Southwest, you fucking frog-looking motherfucker.
SPEAKER_03How would I know? My profession is cargo. I don't know where shit goes.
SPEAKER_01Logistics is my profession. Why would I know where things are? Yeah, why would I know locations?
SPEAKER_03Uh I s okay. I don't give a shit, I said, looking back down. All I know is New York. Been there once. Marcin then cut me off. How are the girls? Are the strip clubs anyway good? I look up at Marcin, slightly not trying to laugh. I just nodded. And before I knew, lunch was over. I stood up and grabbed my stuff. Get back to work, I said, and walked off. I seen that Marcin was annoyed that I took off so quickly, but I wasn't really in the mood of talking about strip clubs. Marcin is a good kid. He's well billed, tall, handsome. Pains me what happened to him.
SPEAKER_00Oh, that's cause our main character's gay stuff.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I think he is, yeah. Pains me what happened to him. When I left the break room and started to check the cargo, I seen that the new load came in. I walked over to the trucks. I seen two guys take it out. I leaned again again against the wall. That's a pretty big one, huh? I said. This is pretty big for what we store here. Yeah, the guy on the forklift said while he drove over to me. He's a guy that works where you work. You should know the forklift operator's name.
SPEAKER_01Some feller's forklift certified. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03The guy said it weighs about 85 kilograms. You're so a European dog. Like, that's so fucking funny. Oh man, just say 200 pounds, brother. Like you're talking about.
SPEAKER_01Talk about to him. Tell me that an American weight.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, dude. I don't know shit about kilograms. I'll kill you if you fucking talk to me about that metric commie shit again. Anyway, I look confused. Why such a big box for something not that heavy? I guess Americans really like their things big. I said while I wrote that the cargo came. Oh, we are in Poland right now, by the way. I just realized this is set in Poland. You should have made that clear, local chef. People are reading this. Local to fucking wear. Fucking Reddit is a global website, brother. Like, make it clear that we're in fucking Poland. Okay, alright. I can't do a Polish accent either, so we're kid we're gonna continue with this accent that I've been doing. Put it over at section B. He nodded and drove away. The next day, when I was about to fall asleep, my phone started to ring. I sat up annoyed and picked it up. Hello? I said with a tried voice. Joseph, can you please come over to the warehouse? It was Dennis, our security guard. He seemed scared.
SPEAKER_01Hosef the cattle wrangler.
SPEAKER_03That's crazy. I spoke with a confused voice. What happened? It's about the new cargo. Please come over. His breathing was off, like he seen something bad. After a bit of contemplating, I sigh. Give me twenty minutes. Twenty fucking minutes?
SPEAKER_02Damn, dude.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, Joseph's gotta get up and get his makeup done right. I'm gonna take my good old sweet time. I gotta make sure my hair's right.
SPEAKER_03Gotta get the curlers out. I gotta shave off my five o'clock shadow. Uh I hung up and started to get ready. When I got there, sitting in my car, looking through the windshield, seeing Dennis standing there while smoking, his foot going up and down because of stress. I got out and walked that's not a sentence, by the way. Anyway, I got out and walked over. Dennis noticed me, and I could see the relief when he saw me. What is it? I said while walking towards him. Just come, Dennis said as he walked inside, and I followed. So I got my penis out and I started trying to get it.
SPEAKER_01I was gonna say He said with a bashful look in his eyes.
SPEAKER_03Just come, he said, on his knees, kissing the tip of my dick. Uh no, uh, followed is the last word. He stopped walking when he got in front of the new cargo from today's mooring morning, you mean? What about it? I said while I stood next to the box. It was moving. Dennis said to me while looking right into my eyes. I looked at him, starting to get pissed. Moved? That's not what he said. You telling me this box just moved? Dennis nodded. I looked at the box and back at Dennis. It isn't moving, I said, getting more angry. I promise you it was moving. It was even moving when I was standing right outside while I was waiting for you, and when I saw you walking toward me. Dennis said, his face looking at me, hoping I would believe him. Believe him, I mean. I walked over to the box and kicked it once, then twice. But nothing. If something would be inside that, then it would have reacted, I said. While I walked to Dennis, I put my hand on his shoulder. You probably haven't slept well. Or maybe you watch too many horror movies. You be alright.
SPEAKER_01Maybe you just ain't had your cock sucked in a good minute.
SPEAKER_03I kick I kicked that some bitch like a like a fucking tire, dude. I w I walked away. When you get home, have a good sleep, alright, Dennis? I said, my angry gone. Dennis is like a kid sometimes. 15th. Dennis hasn't clocked out. I checked the cameras, but they stopped working at 2 a.m. I lean back on the chair. Marcine next to me, worried. 16th. So we're doing dates, but we didn't start the story with the date convention. So this out of nowhere, we're doing dates. Uh I I don't did he say what month? Uh December. December 2018, yeah. Okay, cool, cool, cool. So at least we know that we're talking about December. Alright. Uh 16th. Marcine is the new security guard until we find someone new. Marcine was bragging that he will get more pay. I just nodded, not really in the mood and talking. I then went to check the cargo, see if everything is fine. I started at section A, checking the checkboard to see if everything is good. It was. I went to Section B. I walked, checking then, tick-a-tick tick, a sound coming from one of the boxes. I walked to see where it's coming from. In not even five seconds I came to a stop at the box from Arizona. I got closer. Tick tick tick tick. I looked down, seeing the box moving slightly. I stood up way too fast, making me trip. I fell ass first. In front of me is the box. My eyes widened. How could this be? Why is it moving? Marcin came over. Yo, you good? Marcin said while helping me out. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. I said while I sigh. Do you hear that? I said, pointing at the box. Marcin looked confused and leaned toward the box. Tick, tick, tick. Marcin pulled away his hand, going for the gun. I noticed and stoped him. What the fuck are you doing? Stop. I said, concerned. Sorry, Marcy pulled his hand away. What the fuck was that? Also, this is your this is your first day of being the security guard and they give you a gun in Poland.
SPEAKER_00I thought he was a cargo hauler. Why is he s oh Marcin's a security guard?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, Marcine's a security guard, he's got a gun. That's crazy.
SPEAKER_00It's not a story if there's not a security guard. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Uh and there's tunnels in this box.
SPEAKER_01I went down the box a little later.
SPEAKER_03And there was more boxes. Yeah, there's a number seven in this box. Uh um, okay. Uh sorry, Marcin pulled his hand away. What the fuck was that? Marcin said. Oh, what the fuck was that? Marcin said while looking at me. I don't know. I remembered about Dennis and what he experienced. Then I said, Look, tomorrow this crepy fucking shit is going to be gone. Don't touch it. Marcin looked at me.
SPEAKER_00That was a pun because Marcin's friends and they looked great.
SPEAKER_03Listen, you crep at like an ass bitch. Don't touch this box. It's full of fucking snails. I know you like fucking tiny cigarettes and crep and tiny pancakes and shit, but leave this box alone. You smelly armpit hair having fucker. You fucking fucking striped shirt, painted face, fucking beret wearing beret wearing ass piece of shit. Standing in front of the goddamn Eiffel Tower piece of shit, bitch. Martine put an invisible wall up around his box, it's finna come alive. Well, he's protected by the invisible box.
SPEAKER_02And that's and the gun, the only gun we got is stuck in the invisible box with Martin. What are we gonna do against the monster?
SPEAKER_01Quick, clean on air. What are we gonna do with this desert creature in the box? Lean up against an invisible fucking shelf, Martin. Quickly.
SPEAKER_03Put the box in an invisible box so he can get out. Trap him! Uh all right. Uh I nodded and walked off, feeling weird, but I shrugged it off. I went to the bathroom. I opened the stall and closed it, and I started to pee. I heard the bathroom door open, but didn't mind it. Then I heard some weird noise. Weird sounds, like someone someone clicking with their tongue, and the only person that did that was Dennis. Then I looked to my left and up to look at the ceiling. Then I saw Dennis looking right at me, his eyes small, his pupils extremely small. It was like looking into the darkness. I turned my whole body towards him. With my with his dick out, I guess. I'm he dropped down and I hear him frantically running, but the door didn't open.
SPEAKER_00So we're in a fucking warehouse. Yeah. Dennis is on the ceiling. I guess. Like above the stall.
SPEAKER_03Like above, like he's looking at him. He's in the shitter? Yeah, he's in the stall. Sorry, I missed that. So he like popped he he Dennis is like above the thing. It's actually a genuinely creepy moment, potentially. You know what I mean? Like I I uh and Dennis is looking at him with tiny pupils over the top of the stall.
SPEAKER_00Right. I was confused because I I missed the part where we were in the bathroom. I thought we were still in the warehouse by the box, and he looked up 40 feet in the air.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and there's pupils like 40 feet away. Like uh uh, what's her name? Uh uh, goddamn it, the Academy Award-winning actress in fucking hereditary climbing the fucking ceiling. What's that bitch's name?
SPEAKER_02I don't fucking know.
SPEAKER_03She's in a million movies. She's so famous, she's been in so many movies. Sydney Sweeney. No, she's like old. Uh I can't remember her name now.
SPEAKER_00Margaret Thatcher.
SPEAKER_03No, that's not an actress. But anyway. Uh Tori Tori something. Anyway. Spelling? No. Anyway. It's like that when that bitch was on the ceiling in hereditary, is what I was getting at. Yeah. Anyway, uh, sorry, sorry, spoiler alert if you haven't seen that movie from 2017, guys. Like Tyler. Uh, anyway, um you don't know her name, so you won't even know who I'm talking about. You just know someone's on the ceiling by the end of the female.
SPEAKER_00It's um uh fucking, I can't remember the lady's name.
SPEAKER_03Tori, Tori something, or or something like that. I was gonna make Tommy something or Tori something. I'll look it up after this and interrupt your story with it. Uh with the update. Uh okay. Uh we're pretty close. We're two long paragraphs from from the end. Uh okay. Fuck. Oh, I uh I turned my whole body towards him. He dropped down, and I hear him frantically running, but the door didn't open. I stood there, standing like a stone wall, after a bit. I finally composed myself. I zipped up and slowly opened the door, but it's empty. I walked towards the door and I noticed that the vent is open. Didn't wash his hands. Night a time where most sleep, but I can't the feeling of impending doom. Oh shit. Okay, Maba as that extreme. I sat up thinking about the box and Dennis and Marcine being the guard. I look at desk, my car keys nearly falling off the desk. I need to check on Marcine.
SPEAKER_00Classic local chef falling apart at the end of the series.
SPEAKER_03My dude, bad. So one more really long paragraph and we're done. But I I can't imagine how he sews this up. But here we go. While I'm driving to the warehouse, I feel like something bad happened. But why? That stupid fucking box and it moving. I pulled into the parking lot, the snowflakes falling on my windshield. Why do I feel like I shouldn't go inside that warehouse anywhere I worked for so long? Why am I why am I scared? After a bit, I finally get myself together and get out of my car. I walk through the snow. I went through the truck bay. It's dark inside. I went over to the light switch. Click, click, nothing. The power went out. I turn on my flashlight on my phone and walk towards the breaker. But when I do, the there's a there's a smell, uh, a smell of something rotten. Smash me. I gag the smell so bad. And this ain't just Marcin's armpits.
SPEAKER_04Sorry.
SPEAKER_03Uh I opened with no E, uh, with no second E. I opened the door of the breaker room and I point my light at the breaker. There's a lot of breakers for just a warehouse with lights. A whole room full of them. Uh Marcine is at the breaker doing something. I speak. Oh hey, Marcine. No respond. I walk a little closer, but I stop. I felt like I wanted to check on you to see if you got what it needed for such an imported job. Still nothing. I was about to walk forward, but I felt dot dot dot fear. Like this is a bad idea and I need to get the fuck out. I don't know what was happening. Marcin was still just doing something with that breaker, but he didn't respond. Not even a sound. I sighed. You're a get good kid, Marcine. I walked back using my light to find my way. Then the lights turn on. I turned off the light on my phone and walked to the back door. I stood there for a little over five seconds. I looked back.
SPEAKER_00I swear O could have seen six, maybe even seven.
SPEAKER_03I swear O could have seen Marcine in the breaker room, the door open, looking at me. I opened the door and ready to walk to my car, but I take a second look and noticed the box is open. And that's the whole fucking point.
SPEAKER_00Man, that's that's a lot of implied horror.
SPEAKER_03That is a lot of lead up to no moment. Like no defining moment, nothing happened. We don't know anything, nothing was answered. Like, literally nothing was answered. No answers. We assume it's some sort of creature that either that that does some sort of uh a body snatching situation and it has small pupils, you know? That's what I'm taking from it. Right. Obviously, that wasn't really Dennis in the bathroom, and it's not really Marcine at the breaker box. But why would Marcine turn the breaker box back on for him? Yeah. That doesn't make any sense. Not at all. What is like what is the we don't like the rotting smell is obviously both security guards' actual bodies, but like, or at least Dennis's, because it's a couple days old. What's happening?
SPEAKER_00I'm guessing this is a ripoff of uh that old movie The Thing, you know, when it like takes the place of the dog and the guy and it just has murderous intentions of some sort.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so okay, so the there is good news in my uh scrolling back through the my save file or whatever you want to call it, my saved page on fucking Reddit. I have realized that there were weeks between these stories being posted. It would be like a story and then two weeks, three weeks later, another story, two, three weeks later. They go back three months ago. This one's three months ago. The one I I'm gonna read after if we have time is two months ago. So like he has spaced them out to where I'm not afraid that he's done yet. Gotcha. Uh because I've I've mentioned that a couple times now that maybe he ha he won't write anymore, but they're more spaced out than I thought they were. Okay. Maybe he's working on the next masterpiece.
SPEAKER_00Oh fuck, I hope so. I really do. I I never want to, you know, that wasn't the the world's greatest local chef story, but there was a lot of the beautiful hallmarks of our good pal there. And I just love how he just falls apart at the end of a story.
SPEAKER_03That's so there's always a two or three sentence stretch where you really have to work to put together what's happening. You really have to you have to fill in the missing words and correct the misspelled words to make it work.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Uh just I mean, like he needs to be protected. Really, he does. At all costs.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, he does. He's he is an international treasure.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Well, you know. I need to look up Tony Collette. That's her name. Uh I remembered without having to look it up. Tony Collette. I I don't know who that is. She's on the ceiling in fucking hereditary at one point.
SPEAKER_00I'll take your word for it because I couldn't. It's such a good movie. You need to watch it.
SPEAKER_03It's very good.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. I'm I'm still in uh like watching stuff mode.
SPEAKER_03It's a great horror movie. I I need to show it to my chick, too. She's never seen it, and uh uh she needs to. Everyone needs to see it. It's a great horror movie. If you like horror movies, and and you personally, you I know specifically like heady uh. We just found out what that meant a few weeks ago, but uh heady, you know, uppity uh uppity movies. This one's made by a white guy, but still uh he's a Jew, so yeah, uppity. Yeah. Um I was thinking more like get out. Right, yeah. It's it's uh heady and uh deep. It's you know, there's a lot of angles. There's actually a whole entire subplot you can never figure out is happening until you finish the movie and then read up on it. Cool. It's it's one of those, and I know you like that. So, or I you know, you know what we've talked about. So yeah. I like a thinker. You do that I could have said that and saved myself the last 45 seconds of talking, but well, you know, my guys know me.
SPEAKER_00Your job is to over-explain things, and my job is to summarize everything that you just said in four or less words.
SPEAKER_03And make me feel like this. Yeah. Yeah. Make me insecure about my my talkativity. It's a good dynamic. Yeah, it works.
SPEAKER_00It's how I keep you on the chain.
SPEAKER_03If we were both my way or we were both your way, we wouldn't have had a show for six.
SPEAKER_00Four-hour-long podcasts or a four-minute podcast. Yeah, it'd be a game of extremes for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, like I mentioned earlier, um, I I I sought out perhaps my local chef. Hell yeah, dude. And I have a candidate for you today. His name is USlash Man Yozin. Okay. And his story is titled My New Smartwatch has this strange feature.
SPEAKER_03Oh.
SPEAKER_00Here we go. So I do not really know how to get started with this, so I will just start where guess what? It all started. We're off to what I would say a good start.
SPEAKER_03We're off, we're at like eight out of ten local chefs right now, dude. Just that sentence was enough to get me intrigued as fuck about the rest.
SPEAKER_00I'm a big fan so far. I would like to preface this that I will never really like Christman, but never have. Just never have. I do not really have any special reasoning for it. For me, it was. Should I should I be doing a voice? I I wonder.
SPEAKER_03I think you just like I found, I think you'll find the voice. I think you're right by reading through it. Naturally. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I do not really have any special reasoning for it. For me, it just Never really clicked like it seems DMs to do for most. This Christman, I never asked for asked for anything in particular. And it's spelled like C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-N. It's Christman. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Christman. It's the red and green superhero, dude. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Christman. This Christman. I never asked asked for anything in particular. I never do.
SPEAKER_02Last Christman, I got me a watch. And it had a strange feature.
SPEAKER_03Yes. Sorry. Okay, Chris. I'll stop interrupting. But Christman is fucking so rich, dude. I love it.
SPEAKER_00I love it a lot. But still, my sister, as she always does, would not take that for an answer and started prying more for any hints about anything I could use or what would want. But still, there was never anything I wanted, but she insisted on founding something. So when I went to open the presents with the family all around, and the gift she got me was a smartwatch, I have to admit. I was surprised on how she had gotten that, seeing that I had been on the watch for a new one after my old one sorry, I'm having a I'm struggling. After my old one Sudanly died after an accident when it hit the marble countertop in the bathroom sink just a little hard too hard. I very much thanked her. And the rest of the presents I got were nothing out of the ordinary for anyone who wishes for nothing.
SPEAKER_03If you're if you're if you're looking for a new watch, you can't call it a watch for a watch, dude. You can't say you're watching out for a watch. It threw me for a loop, dude. You're not gonna come upon a watch. It's like glasses. You have to search out a fucking watch. Anyway, sorry.
SPEAKER_00No, you're good. Uh I thanked her, and the rest of presents I got were nothing out of the ordinary for anyone who wishes for nothing. Just the usual socks and t-shirts with lame designees. There's an E, so I have to pronounce it that way. Uh after getting home and checking if all the clothes I had gotten fit and separated them into piles of things that fit and things to be exchanged to correct sizes. Period. I went to set up the new watch and check out how it was. It is not a brand that I had ever heard about and didn't know anything about. I could probably not be picky or anything seeing it as it was a gift, and I can't really complain about getting a free watch. Whilst going through the setup for it, there was there were the usual things. Asking for permission to use locational data, having it synced up with my phone, and asking whether I wanted it to check my heart rate or not. But then there was an unusual one that caught me off guard with a feature I had never heard about. It simply prompted, do you want to activate fear monitor with yes or no buttons? I remember thinking that this must be some sort of new thing that was being tested on these types of modidoles before making it to more known types of watches.
unknownOh my god.
SPEAKER_00Kind of like a bug test for users of these lesser models. So why not give it a try? I quickly forgot about it and thought nothing of it for some time. With just the usual notifications about high heart rates, and you should get some rest comments coming and going here and there on the watch. Which was nothing out of the ordinary for those of you who have any type of smartwatch. But one night, I live but one night I live alone, so the house was empty. That's every night, brother.
SPEAKER_03Dude, real quick, yeah, hearing these stories, like like when I think of the prospect of writing fiction myself, I'm like, I'm too much of a fucking retard. There's way smarter people writing way better fiction than I ever could dream of writing. And then I hear or read a story like this, and I'm like, no, I could I could probably write fiction.
SPEAKER_00It wouldn't be that bad. You mean you hear, but one night I live alone, so the house was empty, and you don't think uh there's no way I could do better than that.
SPEAKER_03You know, maybe I use I and the a little too much at the beginning of sentences for some people, but it would definitely be uh five percent more cogent than this, I think.
SPEAKER_00I think so too. Anyway, he lives alone. We proved it. You and I wrote stories to flex on all these ding dogs. And we need to do it again. Maybe someday, yeah.
SPEAKER_03In a yeah, in in due time.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Uh but one night I live alone, so the house was empty as per usual, and with nothing really happening, I was just laying on the couch watching whatever was on TV, not really thinking about it.
SPEAKER_03Dog, you could have just left off the whole fucking If you say as per usual, that gives us the fucking whole idea that you were.
SPEAKER_00You're alone. Sorry, fella. Yeah. I got the notification. Fear detected.
SPEAKER_02Is the watch retarded too?
SPEAKER_00It's one of those, you know, like you buy a like Bluetooth headphones on Amazon and they're Chinese. Yeah. And they're like, power, power on.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00That's a dumb watch, bro. You got a dumb watch. Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_02You got a goofball watch.
SPEAKER_00This caught me off guard, seeing as I didn't feel afraid in any way possible. I was just watching some random comedy comedy. Oh my god. Movie that was playing and thinking about going to bed. But just seeing that prompt made me feel uneasy in some kind of way. Something like the way you can feel when being watched whilst thinking you are alone. But at the end of the day, I just brushed it off as nothing and went about my night going to bed with nothing happening. The notification came up here and then, giving me the same feeling more and more often, here and then. Again. And after a while, I started feeling some sort of fear just seeing the notifications. It felt like I was becoming paranoid over something that I knew was seeing there. Then one night, whilst laying in bed trying to drift off into sleep, I heard a sound coming from downstairs, sort of clicking noise. Like a sound of someone tapping softly on a wooden table. Then, as you can guess, the notification went off again. This time I agreed with it. Such a funny notion. I don't know why. And I felt I wasn't alone. Like there was something or someone else in the house with me. I turned on the lights and went all around the house checking for any signs actively, but there was nothing. As empty as always, and nothing out of the ordinary. I thought of myself that I was being more and more paranoid because of the watch, so I just turned it off. If it was really just me being paranoid because of what the watch's notifications was saying, the watch having no way of triggering my paranoia would fix that problem, and I went back to bed. Then, here's okay. I don't want to nitpick, but this is something that bothers me. Then at around 2 54 a.m., there's no around 2 54 a.m. It's either exactly 2 54 a.m. or around 3 a.m. So like Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Whatever.
SPEAKER_00Nitpick.
SPEAKER_03No, that's uh I fucking hate that. Uh uh I had a fellow reporter at a newspaper job. I uh I was just happened to be reading her story because it was about the county I lived in and their meeting, and I read it and she goes, There were around five people attending the meeting. Yeah. I said out loud. I was like, is it four or six? How many fucking people?
SPEAKER_00Well, it's also like saying at around 2.54 a.m. is saying something like somewhere near the coordinates of minus 31.74 degrees west. You know, like dog, right? You said an exact time. Yeah. Anyway, I was awakened by a vibration on the table next to my bed. It was the watch with the notification. Fear detected. I'm not exaggerating.
SPEAKER_02I love how we think that's how it's spelled. That's so funny.
SPEAKER_00Every time he says it, it's spelled that way. I thought it was strange and it truly gave me the chill child. Then I heard it. The clicking again. This time closer. Way, way closer. It sounded as if someone was tapping on the wall to my bedroom from the corridor. At this point, I was shaken from the sudden amount of fear that I had that it swallow oh, I thought it said swolled. Sorry, that's my bad. That it swallowed up my body whole and held me captive in my bed. When the noises stopped, and I had worked up the courage as spelled C-U-R-R-A-G. Oh, that looks very, very country. I worked up the courage to go around the house again. I slowly made my way through the house, searching every room and made sure the front door was locked and all the windows were closed. Which in fact they all were from the start. I even decided to lock the door to my bedroom and tried to sleep again, now putting the watch in a desk drawer and tried to go to bed again. Hopin' just hopin' what? Hopin' just hoping to get some more sleep before figuring out more things in the morning. Maybe I needed a s set a psychiatrist, but that would be tomorrow's problem. Then again, it woke me. The sounds of a vibration motor activating, being muffled by the materials that surrounded it. I didn't even need to get up and check what the notification was. I already knew what it would say. Fear detected. By this time, I was scared shitles. I was scared shitles. Oh fuck. Um my heart must have been racing at a thousand beats per minute at this point. And in the darkest corner of my room, I could see barely I could barely see two small glowing shadowy points, which I could have sworn were eyes. But even before I could react, my body's fight or flight instinct took over and I passed out. That's not what that is, but my body flighted so hard I fucking soinked out. In the morning when I awoke again, I quickly paced around every room in the house looking for anything that was out of the ordinary. There was nothing. Absolutely nothing. I didn't even care about getting ready for work or doing anything in my regular regular morning routine. I went straight to a psychiatrist, which was the top result on Google. Well, they take walk-ins, so that makes sense. Of course, yeah. The top one. Day of walk-ins. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I didn't even bother calling in sick for work. They would figure it out eventually. When I didn't show up, I told here everything I'm just have just told you. Every detail that I remembered. She just chalked it up to stress induce and man. All of these words are spelled wrong. And it's hard for me to figure out how to comedically pronounce them sometimes. Because induced is surely not spelled with an S. Uh fuck, I lost my place. Sick for work. Figure, no E. Eventually, there's no second L. Right. Uh every detail I remember. She just talked it up to be stress-induced paranoia. Seen as there was no evidence of anything truly being wrong. She just gave me some anxiety medication and told me to try and relax more. Taught me different breathing exercises and booked an appointment for next week to check up on me. So, with all this being said, this is a warning. If you have a watch with this feature, throw it away. I already have. I never want to say that thing again. Even if it is my mind just playing tricks on me. By this point, I don't know which is worse. It making me paranoid and seeing things that aren't real? Or having some sixth sense and being able to detect fear. Maybe it is even able to detect some things that we aren't supposed to say. In truth, I don't want to know. I just know things to be the way they are. That's it. Oh my god. That's the fucking story.
SPEAKER_03Okay, well. I okay, so here's here's my dilemma. Thank you, Man Yozin, for that lovely story. Man Yozin, yeah. That I mean, I there's really nothing to recap. Yeah, no. It just wasn't not only was it not a good story, this person doesn't know how to write at all, like words, uh, and it could be another foreign mishap. That's very likely.
SPEAKER_00It's it's interesting that both stories this week didn't have a fucking single thing happen. Right. Yeah. Right. Fear was detected. For what? I heard a clicking sound. That's it.
SPEAKER_03Both, yeah, both had a uh a weird sound, and then yeah, but both clicking sound. Nothing explained, yeah, right. But nothing explained, and nothing. Yeah. I mean, what the fuck? So here's my dilemma. I have one local chef story left. Okay. It's long as fuck. Probably the longest one. It's it's gonna be probably a 30 or 40 minute guy. So I think we should probably save it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03But here's the thing, Tyler. I think I may have found I may, I don't know. I have a short one. I mean, it's real short. It's literally five, seven paragraphs. And this title is you're gonna want to hear the story from this title. For two two or three reasons. Okay. This is by Paterba. Okay? Ready to be perturbed. I'm at work checking my home cameras, and there is a guy in a wheelchair at my living room arguing with my wife. He's not in the living room, he's at the living room. Okay. Okay. You said this is a short one?
SPEAKER_00It's a pretty yeah, it's pretty short. Okay. It's it's super short.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I mean five minutes, probably. You don't want to hear me read my bedweather story, that's okay.
SPEAKER_03Oh fuck.
SPEAKER_00How long is yours? Very short.
SPEAKER_02Oh, okay. We can do both. Fuck again.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Do do yours, I'll do mine.
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah, yeah. I'm on uh I'm I'm Mr. Fucking Button Clicker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Uh Hello guys. That's how the story starts, Tyler. Hello, guys. Hey, pals! I have to tell somebody what is happening because I am freaking out. A moment ago, I took a quick break at work for a snack. Reddit is kind of slow today, so I checked my home cameras. I had them installed a few years ago after the Afroman incident. Oh. I know. Damn. Isn't that wild? That's crazy. But I barely ever look at them. Lemon pound cake. Yeah, dog. In case the cops show up, for you know.
SPEAKER_00Did I mention I am black?
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03Jeez Louise, dude. I guess I could be reading this black.
SPEAKER_02Everything.
SPEAKER_03No, no. Okay. Everything was normal outside at the kitchen and at the garage. And then the living room came in, and I almost crapped my pants. There was some guy in a wheelchair by the sofa. He had bandages over his face and seemed to be phased out. I don't know what that means. I froze for a moment, trying to come up with an explanation. Like maybe the app is serving me the feed from another house.
SPEAKER_00That's stupid because What a fucking flaw that would be.
SPEAKER_03You can recognize your own house in the video. Anyway, admittedly, the decor is pretty generic. There are other houses in the area with the same room layout, and my wife and my dog were nowhere to be found. The garage and the kitchen were definitely mine. As I was considering that, the guy in the wheelchair suddenly moved, as if he had just come out of a trance or realized something. He stared right at the camera. They are not very well hidden, but they have no light or anything that would indicate someone is watching. Then he rushed out of view. He was quite slow. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00He didn't rush out of view. Several things wrong with everything that you just said, sir. I know. When has anyone in a wheelchair ever rushed any fucking man? I know. And follow him with the other cameras.
SPEAKER_03It says he rushed out of view slowly. I know. He was quite slow. He didn't seem to be used to the wheelchair, but he seemed to be panicking. The view, however, covers the whole room, or at least any space in the room where he could hide. After reaching a wall, he changed his mind and started grabbing cushions and other objects and laying them on the floor. From his wheelchair, I guess. I'm just picturing over, grabbing shit and putting it on the floor. Like, hey, what's this cripple doing? Fucking ruining my decor.
SPEAKER_00I imagine him now. He's in one of those fucking uh wheelchair basketball league wheelchairs.
SPEAKER_03He's fucking very athletically like that dude that the uh the jackass guys teamed up with a minute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um at that point, it was me who snapped out of it and called my wife. We had been married for five years. We have been married for five years. That was my fuck up. Okay. And we are more we are of more or less the same age, just short of 30. She is a very bubbly person and picked up the phone with her usual energy. When I told her about the guy in the living room, she was shocked and immediately told me she was walking the dog. She had no idea who that could be or what he could be doing in our home. We agreed I should call the police. Before making that call, though, I decided to look at my living room feed again, just to make sure I hadn't hallucinated the intruder. No H.
SPEAKER_00I will say strategically, tactically, she should be calling the police while he keeps an eye on this phone.
SPEAKER_03Absolutely, that's insane. Uh he was still there, alright, laying clothes and other objects on the ground in some sort of pattern. They were letters. D-O-N-T-C. In quotes. He was still writing when he was interrupted. How many fucking cushions do you have that you can spell out? I know. And big enough that you can read it on the camera. He was still writing when he was interrupted. My wife came into the room. What the hell is she doing? I thought. But her demeanor was not scared or even very confrontational. She seemed pissed. She started picking the stuff off of the ground and arguing with the wheelchair guy. My dog came in too. He was pacing nervously but didn't attack the stranger, who was gesticulating in distress. Gesticulating. Then they hugged. Finally, my wife pushed the wheelchair out of the living room. I called my wife again to confront her, but she said there's nobody home. Just her and our dog. No matter what I said, she kept denying what I had seen with my own eyes. I don't know what to do. It doesn't make as much sense to call the police now that I know my wife is somehow involved. Is she cheating on me with this guy? Does his dick still work? No, she he didn't say that. Is he some old friend or family member? Member, goddammit. All of this fucking illiterate reading is making me see fucking It really does.
SPEAKER_00It makes you it made me read words that were spelled right wrong because I was expecting it to be exactly.
SPEAKER_03Is he some old friend or family member in need of help? Then why not tell me? If she's hiding something, why did she encourage me to call the police? What's with the stranger's behavior? Is he somehow the victim here? My boss has just come to ask why the long break and if I'm alright, and I don't even know what to tell her. I can't make sense of this. Shall I go back home right now? Please tell me something. Uh okay, oh my god. Okay, so he he actually put an update in the comments. Okay. I was I was so worried driving back home, I didn't see another car at a crossing. I just woke up in the hospital. The doctors told me my face only needs a few stitches and maybe minor surgery, but I'm unlikely to ever walk again. Wow. Okay, so it's the future. And then and then uh he was gonna spell don't come home. Or something, you know, along those lines. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Uh that well then why? Why would why would you even why would your future self you know what I mean? Why would your future self put you up to that? This is the Terminator problem all over again, almost backwards. Right. Like, how would they know John Connor would be born from Kyle Reese and Sarah Connor fucking if they never fucked in the first place to make John Connor? He had to come back in time to fuck her to make John Connor. How would they know of that alternate reality? This is the same situation. Your future self fucked it up for your past self already. This makes no sense. Why would your future self do that to your past self? And how did your future self end up that way if your past self, you know what I mean? You get what I'm saying. I can't articulate it, but I do. It's the terminator paradox. It's very similar to the terminator paradox. I'm surprised my brain put that together. That's honestly so distracted. What the fuck?
SPEAKER_00All I can think about is the terminator now. Fuck that. Fuck the whole story, dude.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I mean, I get where you were going, and yeah, that's a cool device in a story. I've I've read it done well, and it is cool when it's done well, but like, dog, uh try again.
SPEAKER_00I'll tell you what, it was way scarier before we knew the fucking ending. Yeah, yeah. Thanks for the update. Ruined any chance of that being uh interesting or scary.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, dog. Now I see what you did, and it actually sucks. It's it's it's the only problem with Terminator. It's the only thing that makes Terminator not perfect.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I'm bummed out. Thanks for that, asshole. Yours sounds like it's gonna be much funnier. Yeah, I think it's it's got some uh potential to be quite humorous. Um, the title, I don't remember the name of the person. I don't feel like looking it up. But the title of the story, it's very short. It's one massive fucking word vomit paragraph. It is called My Bed Is Wet. But my clothes are dry.
SPEAKER_03What a mystery!
SPEAKER_00I know, dude. Okay. I always wake up at the same time each morning, 7 a.m. every day to get ready for school. Usually, it wasn't a problem. I would get up and make my bed with nothing out of the ordinary. Man, do so many people say the fucking phrase out of the ordinary. Some time ago now, maybe a week ago or so, when I put on a push when I went to push myself out of bed, there was a warm, almost sticky wet spot. Oh fuck. I don't like where this is going anymore.
SPEAKER_03Oh no! Turns out my dad jerks off on my bed when he's sleepwalking in the room.
SPEAKER_00Monkey's monkey, get out of my room.
SPEAKER_03Fucking no. I've got a bunch of sisters, but for some reason he jerks off on my bed. Oh no! One of my sisters even isn't even his daughter, so that would make so much more sense for a stray man.
SPEAKER_00Oh no, dude. Oh, sorry.
SPEAKER_03This is gonna get bad. Okay, sticky, warm sensation.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, there's uh almost sticky wet spot that my soft hand squished deeper into the fabric.
unknownSoft hand.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, dude. It's weird. I used to be a bedwetter. It was so bad I didn't stop using diapers until recently. Whoa, dude. Whoa!
SPEAKER_03So you took your shit off, pissed, and then put your shit back on. That's what happened. Fuck, bro. Until recently. This isn't sticky, by the way. That's that's the weirdest part.
SPEAKER_00That's what's thrown me so far, dude. I'm I'm a little irked. Salty? Yeah. Sticky? It was so bad I didn't stop using diapers until recently. So these so warmly called accidents by my mother were nothing out of the ordinary. Again, with the ordinary thing. But this time it was different. I never sleep in the nude. I don't like how the fabric of the duvet feels on my private. I I'm gonna tell you right now, I fucking hate this story. Dude, I hate everything about where this is going.
SPEAKER_03It's either a child who has unfettered access to Reddit, which is a problem, or it's an adult writing like a child on Reddit, and that's a problem. All of it's a problem. I hate it. I'm fuck I'm super uncomfortable. This is weird. This feels like we're like looking into a child's bedroom or something.
SPEAKER_00It's odd. It feels icky for sure. Okay, we press on. Uh yeah. I don't like how the fabric of the duvet feels on my privates, so I always wear baggy boxer breads to bed now after I switch from the soggy underwear I used to wrap around my waist. So I got up standing beside my bed and was about to go downstairs and tell my mother about another of my childish mistakes. I felt it or felt the lack of it. I was dry. I felt all over my body to feel any signs of moisture, but there was nothing. Nothing at all. I reached down onto the mattresses and felt again the moist fabric clinging to the tips of my fingers, as if I had dipped my fingers into the sink after washing my hands. I went to go tell my mother, and as I was telling her about how I thought it was weird, she just cut me off in her haste of the morning and told me to get a change of clothes and she would make the bed before leaving for work. Not I don't I I hate myself. I'm just gonna tell you that. Not thinking much of it, I went about my day thinking nothing of it at first. There were multiple possibilities one could think of how it would happen. Maybe a pet or a leaky roof. But we don't own any pets, you fucking cocksucker. Name your p you cocksucker. But we don't own any pets. And the ceiling was as dry as it was when I woke up, and it kept happening. As I awoke, I went to stand up. I could feel the liquids present on my bed, and yet again, I was dry. My mother wouldn't listen to my excuses about it not being me. She probably thought I was just making things up to not seem so childish when I was supposed to be more grown up. It didn't happen every night, but it just as well might have. I grew tired of it happening. So one night I decided I wasn't gonna go to sleep. I would stay up to figure out what was making my mornings a wet nightmare. I tried to stay awake with all my might, but I still could feel the night wrapping around me and sleep was around the corner. I heard it, from just under my bed, a faint voice calling from the darkness that surrounded it. Sleep, my sweet prince. And then the night fell over my eyes and I drifted to sleep. As I awoke, I felt my bed. It wasn't wet. In my morning haze, I remembered the words I had heard during the night and went to check under my bed. There was nothing. But as I went to open my bedroom door, oh my god, dude, no! No! No, no, dude. But as I went to open my bedroom door, my feet felt it from the moist carpet seeping into my socks. The all too familiar, sticky moisture. Alright.
SPEAKER_03So some demon or creature is pissing on your bed for you. Sure, yeah, it's P. See, like these the the issue with these stories oftentimes is that what you have is five percent of a story. What you have is is you have I mean, like I do, off the top of my head, uh uh you're explaining way the fuck too much about the uninteresting portions and the the portions that don't push the plot forward as quickly as you should be, and putting more information and more I mean red herrings or whatever. You you just need to be like moving, dude. These are short stories meant to engage people moment to moment. Like you need to be like filling it in with more shit. Uh it's just and also giving us more information, more to go on. What the fuck is the voice attached to? Like, what what is it? Like, I understand it's supernatural to some extent, but like, yeah, what the fuck is it?
SPEAKER_00So, like, as far as scary things go, right? Like, in a movie, it works to have it ambiguous, right? Because you're seeing what's happening to the person, and that is scary because you don't know what is causing the scary thing to happen to that person. In a written story, all you have is words, you have to describe something.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_00And now this story isn't a great example of this because all I can think about is this little kid getting fucked in the ass while he's sleeping in bed. Yeah. That's you're putting things in my mind I don't fucking want there. This is not a horror story, this is a horrific story. Yeah. I fucking hate you. That's a trauma story.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I just thought the title was very funny and it was short and big fucking paragraph of one just one solid wall of text. I thought, surely, this will just be a silly little jaunt through the forest. But no, I'm I'm met with under the bed molester demons. Yeah. Thanks for that.
SPEAKER_03That like giving golden showers, evidently. Yeah, what I mean. Just you know, I don't know. You just do more. Just fill in more of the blanks, dog. Like that's all you need to do. Like some of these stories, it's not like they're that bad. Uh like if you wrote them for a creative writing class, you would pass, but you wouldn't get an A. Because like you're just not you're not exploring your own premise enough.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03That's the whole point, is to explore it with your imagination and get somewhere with it. And like, like I've uh okay, like there was there was one one story that uh uh it was actually No Sleep used it on their podcast, the No Sleep Podcast, and it was this fucking it was written so well because it it gave you just enough information to creep you the fuck out about this kid's life. It was about a child, and he had like a younger sibling, and him and the younger sibling and the dad lived out in the woods, and they had a dog. The dad brought the dog home one day, and it was a fully grown dog already, and he kept it in a kennel at night, and then he would play with this dog outside. So then after uh and the dad's abusive, and uh uh you get like little little snippets, little it peppers details of the dad's abuse throughout the first like two-thirds of the story. Well, then about two-thirds in he's outside playing with his dog, and they're like way away from the house. They're just out, you know, in the woods playing. And he uh he he turns to his dog and he says something, and his dog answers him. And then the more he talk, the more he explains after that point, you realize the dog is a fucking man who has been kidnapped by his fucking psychopath father, and who is living in his in his house, and this boy has been homeschooled out in the woods, so he doesn't know any different.
SPEAKER_00He doesn't know that the dog isn't an actual kidnapping, he doesn't know what a dog is, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Like he thinks a dog is a human that it's dude, crawls around on all fours so well done because like had no idea. And I went on fucking Reddit on the subreddit of No Sleep, the No Sleep Podcast subreddit. People were dogging this story, ha, pun, but people hated the story. They were like, all these pretentious cunts hated. I mean, it was rough, dude. Uh they fucking they hated this fucking story. They sniffed it out. Yeah, dude. I'm like, if if you guys really figured it out beforehand, hats off to you. You how are you not on the New York Times bestsellers list by doing this to other people with your own stories of a fucking amazing uh twists, M. Night Shyamalan twists in the middle of your fucking story. Fucking do it then, bitch. If you're so good at it, because that story truly it was the best no-sleep story I ever heard. It was like one of those where it's it's like re I don't know if you've ever listened to the podcast, but sometimes it'll be like one fucking magnum opus, like one of the author's magnum opus of like 45 minutes, and then the other story is a nice little 20-minute like we read, you know? And I fucking loved it. I thought that's this is what a horror story is supposed to be, man. Like I fucking love this, and people were dog shitting it, but I still stand by that like this the author did such a good job of breadcrumbing you with like little details enough that you're like, this is going somewhere. Where the fuck is this going, man? Because there's something more to this story, and I thought maybe the dog would kill the dad because he was abusive. You know, I thought maybe that was where it was going, and I was gonna be fine with that. But the fact that this boy didn't actually know what a dog was and it's a human, mind blowing. Like, nobody does that on Reddit, nobody does that on No Sleep. Like, it just it's so rare to have, and I'm not saying you have to have a twist in every story, I'm saying that's that this is an example of someone using a device to its best potential. Like that it's the only example I can think of off the top of my head, but like that's like that's an example of someone who took a premise and then they started from that premise, probably, right, and they work their way back to figure out a way to fool you into thinking it's about an actual dog, and then they pull the rug out from under you later on, and it's fucking mind-blowing. It doesn't have to be a twist, but there are other ways to do that.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03To like to make the story go somewhere you never could have thought it was gonna go to develop your premise. I don't know. I know I know we're not like authors, but it just it feels like it feels so obvious to me. Yeah, maybe I'm being a pretentious cunt, but I don't think you have it.
SPEAKER_00I don't I don't think you have to be a writer to understand what you like about stories.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I guess so. I guess that's just what I'm doing, isn't it?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Um, and also it's like M Night Shyamalan, but the M stands for mutt. It's the best I could do to tag on to the whole dog jokes. Uh yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um I can't think of any M dogs, actually. Malamute. Ah, there's one. Yep. I'll ask it, Malamute. All these motherfuckers need to go. I need to malamute these fucking shitty authors on my on my noselee.
SPEAKER_00I don't think so. I think it's fucking awesome.
SPEAKER_03I've got an update. Oh shit. I just realized I fucking forgot about it. It's gonna be quick though. You remember? I think I made a fuck you piece of shit. This is probably back in 2024. Jesus Christ. Two years ago. Sure. Maybe 2023. I made a fuck you piece of shit about this guy that I used to know, and he moved away, and then he started messaging me for money.
SPEAKER_00Right, yes, I remember that.
SPEAKER_03The first time he did, I gave him 20 bucks. Right. And then I ignored him from then on. He messaged me again. Oh, like uh Friday, I want to say. Okay. I think it was Friday. He messaged me, and he has a sob story, a new sob story. Oh, good. His fucking and and this part I'm not gonna make any jokes about because it is genuinely sad. His fucking wife died.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_03He's young, he's our age. His fucking wife died. That's crazy. Like, that's wild. That sucks, man. Uh I mean, you know, condolences. So when I and I was like, this motherfucker's gotta be lying. So I went to his page.
SPEAKER_00It's just like the guy on uh his wife's dead. I mean, for real. She's dead. Well, is it like damn it. What? I was gonna say, is it like the fucking guy on uh My Strange Addiction that married his car?
SPEAKER_03No, no, his wife was a human and she fell in love with a balloon and it popped. She died. She had some embolism thing with her heart. I don't know, whatever. Anyway, she died. And uh pulmonary embolism, does that make sense? That's right, yeah. And her heart gave out, she died. Fucking horrific. My dad almost died of a similar thing. I can feel it. I that sucks. Sure. However, so well, no, no, this is a so. It's a so, it's a so, but then a however. I'll get to the however. Okay. So I sent him 20 bucks.
SPEAKER_04Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_03I was like, you know what? Your fucking wife died. I this is a this is an empathy because you deserve it. Because your wife did die. She was worth at least 20 bucks. So I'm sending you $20 so that you can eat today. If that, if that true, if that part of the story is true as well, that you need food today, here's 20 bucks for some food today. And I told myself right then, I was like, you know what? It's it's horrible that his wife died. It's horrible. But like, dog, you gotta do something. You have to like like I understand grief. I I get it. Like, dude, I don't get it, but I get it. You know what I mean? Like, I I I understand there's but also I got a fucking family. I got mouths to feed, brother. Like, I can't just be giving you all my money, all my extra money, and you know, I'm not money bags over here. So I sent him 20 bucks, and I was thinking, like, you know, I probably just started a whole new wave of him asking. Yeah. And uh today confirmed I was correct. He fucking asked again. Now, today his story, and this is when this is the however, because today, here's his story, Tyler. Today is he says, hey man, do you think you could send me $13 for an Uber to get to work? I just found this job with this contractor who pays cash, and that's what I need right now. And uh, but I need a ride to the job site. This was at one o'clock in the afternoon, and I know where he lives, I believe, is East Coast time, but that's a fucking hour ahead, is it not? Uh yeah. So it's two o'clock where he's at. Yeah. What fucking contractor has somebody showing up at 2 p.m. to work? That makes no fucking sense. Yeah. They always start at like 6 a.m. Why the fuck? Unless I mean, I guess in theory, there could be like some job he needs him to do with the other guys out of the way. I don't know, but still, it was weird enough and fishy enough, and I don't want to be. The guy that I don't want this in my fucking messenger every three days.
SPEAKER_00No.
SPEAKER_03I'm sorry that your wife died. That's fucking horrible. Her heart exploded because her husband's a fucking loser. And I feel for you. I do, dog, but like I'm not, I can't be that. I can't just send you $20 or $15 every four days. That's not gonna be me. And so I guess what I did, Tyler. What'd you do? Actually, don't guess. I'm gonna tell you. I fucking I went into Messenger. So I didn't open his message. I was like, I'm gonna mute him so that I never see his messages again. And so I clicked on his profile picture in Messenger. That just opens the message. Don't do that, guys. Uh that just opens the message and lets him know that you read it and that you are in fact ignoring him. Uh so what I done did was I fucking went into the fucking thing. I hit mute, and it said, you will not, uh, you know, whatever. You you won't get notifications from this person. And I was like, that's not what I want. I want I don't want notifications. Yes. I also don't ever want his fucking name to pop up in my messenger ever again. Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Does this guy's name start with an S?
SPEAKER_03Yes, it does. Has he asked you for money too?
SPEAKER_00Very recently. Yeah. Would you like to hear? Sure. I'm just gonna go ahead and open the message because it's very fucking long. I'm sure it is. I'm so sorry to ask this, but is there any way you could spot me even a few dollars so I could get something to eat for my cat and myself? Friday, right? My 420. I don't know what day that was. My wife of the last six plus years died suddenly and unexpectedly a month ago. And if that wasn't enough, since I couldn't afford our rent without her, I lost our apartment and everything we owned, and all I have is our cat, because I cannot bear to part with him too after losing everything else. I've literally been homeless for a couple of weeks, and all I want to do is get back on my feet because all this all happening so fast, while I've been going through so much grief and loss and the worst pain of my life, and I'm just desperate to be able to feed my cat first and then myself if possible. I'm so sorry. I'm at by far the lowest point of my life, and I'm so humiliated and so alone, and I have no support system. I know that you or anybody else probably can't help. I just know what I don't I just don't know what to do even without even being able to access any resources or anything. I'm sorry. I would rather my life be anything else than at this point to where I've dude, shut the fuck up. I would rather my life be anything else than at this point to where I've had the love of my life and center of my universe stolen from me, and so soon after I'm in this position where I'm having to beg to feed my cat and myself.
SPEAKER_03Okay, so he sent me an extremely similar version of that.
SPEAKER_00Uh as soon as I saw it, I was like, oh, this is copy and pasted to everybody on his friends list begging for money.
SPEAKER_03Pieces of it were definitely copied and pasted. I don't think it was quite exactly like that, but it was very, very close. He put my name in it for the personalization of it, I think.
SPEAKER_04Sure.
SPEAKER_03Uh, because he actually like I actually knew the guy. So did you ever meet him? I have no fucking idea who this guy is. Okay, there you go. So, so that solidifies my decision. I fucking muted him, and then I realized that wasn't gonna be enough because I don't want to see his fucking name and my messenger ever again. So I I looked at the options, restrict was on there. It won't even let him know I did that. He has no idea. He just thinks I left him on red now. So I restricted him and he's gone. And I'm never gonna have to see those messages again. Yeah. Because there for a while it was literally all the time. I mean, all the fucking time. And then I saw, I told you this back in the day, then I saw him complaining about Xbox, uh, whatever the fuck the subscription is being more expensive. And I was like, wait a minute. That costs about what, 15 bucks a month at the time. Yeah, at the time it was 15 a month-ish, you know, around. Yeah, 20. And uh I gave him 20 bucks last month. I paid for this motherfucker's Xbox subscription, but that was back when his wife was alive and she really is dead. So I felt like, okay, man, I I'm I'm uh, you know, kind at my core. I gave you 20 bucks, but I can't I got mouths to feed. I'm sorry, dog. I can't give you any more money.
SPEAKER_00I I mean, I I have a friend that was like this, and you know, I was in a spot where I I was living alone in a cheap apartment and I could afford to help him, and he and I were really, really fucking good friends at one point, and I knew his situation, and I knew it was his own fucking fault, but it was still a real situation. Right. And he had a similar story where his dog and blah blah blah. So I fucking I took him shopping and I I bought him like fifty bucks worth of groceries and dog food and all this shit. And you know, I felt good about it. And then maybe six months to a year later, he asked again, and I was just I just told him I was like, look, dude, I'm not doing it again. Like I I went above and beyond, and I I want the best for you because I think you're a genuinely good dude, but you know, you gotta you gotta grow up and get your shit together. Period. Right. I'm sorry, bro, but we're the same fucking age.
SPEAKER_03I said this back then, I'll say it again. You know, when I've been in a jam financially, I get a fucking credit card and I deal with my shit right then with the credit card, and then I deal with paying it off later. It sucks. It sucks. You feel like, you know, you you're like behind the eight ball because you are, and because you owe a credit card company two grand now, but you're out of the current, you're out of the the the jam that was really stressing you out enough that you, you know, would be begging people instead of begging anybody for anything. I put it on future me. I'm like, fuck me for the next five years, I'm gonna be paying this off. But that's that is a better feeling to me than fucking begging people for money. And I've literally not done it once.
SPEAKER_00I would legit like you know, worst, worst, worst case scenario, I would still rather be that dude on the side of the road with a fucking sign asking for help from strangers. I think I would be too, yeah, than bothering anybody I fucking know or don't know. This guy doesn't know me. There's no right, dude. I don't recognize his face or his fucking name. I don't know who this fucking guy is. And he sent me a 50-paragraph long sob story. I'm sorry that your life sucks, but I'm like a thousand percent sure that it's at least 90% your fault. Oh, I know it is like even if your fucking wife died, that doesn't change the fact that you don't have a fucking job, dude. Yeah, get a fucking job.
SPEAKER_03I mean, dog, like get a fucking credit card. There's a gazillion jobs. And here's the thing if you even if they suck, if you can't get a credit card or you can't get a regular job, then that that is all evidence that you that you need to realize you're you're monumentally, colossally fucking up with everything that you're doing. Like any all the details of this, other than your wife dying, tell me you're just a sh you're just a shithead and you don't know how to traverse this life. And I I'm sorry, man, I don't really either, to be honest. But like you can't you can't just be begging people and like it's different if it's your best buddy or someone you're close with.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Borrowing a couple hundred bucks from a friend is completely different, and then messaging everyone on your fucking friends list.
SPEAKER_00I will say this if you're gonna do that, you have to have a game plan for paying it back. There's not like uh when I get back on my feet, I'll figure it out. That's not a thing when you're borrowing from a friend. Right. When you're borrowing from a bank, just fuck them. There's no battery prisms, dude. Yeah, do whatever the fuck you need to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if not the Bible, if you're borrowing from a pal, you have to know that you already have a game plan in place of when you are for sure going to pay them back.
SPEAKER_03I mean, that typically when you're gonna borrow like 200 bucks from your buddy. That's for you to make rent on the first, and then when your check hits on the fourth, you're gonna pay them right then.
SPEAKER_00You know, it's something like that. It's your buddy's helping you not pay a $50 late fee. Your buddy's helping you get your fucking dog the medication they need that day, or else they'll fucking die because you don't have the cash on hand that you will have in six days. Exactly. That's what those are the scenarios where that's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh if yeah, dude, don't don't beg, don't beg your friends or strangers on social media or text or email for money. Or else you know, yeah. Like I I am not going to do this because he's a palliers, but I would love to message him and tell him to get his fucking shit together and stop begging strangers.
SPEAKER_03What's crazy is he's not. What's crazy is we've been in each other's presence maybe seven times at a certain venue in town that we used to frequent, and that's where I saw him. That's it. That like, and yeah, we were we were part of a like a group that was making a local like zine. That was it. Right. That was it. That and he was only there for one issue of that, and we did three issues. Well, he's got plenty of issues of his own. So, like, makes no sense. Like, none of this makes any sense. Like, uh, how uh he must be messaging everyone if he's messaging you. I'm so glad to have found out that he's messaging you. That absolves me of any like stupid anxiety guilt that I would have had thinking about it over the next however long, like once every five months or whatever.
SPEAKER_04Right.
SPEAKER_03But like I I blocked him today or you know, restricted him today because I was like, I can't have this. I do not want this mother, I do not want to see the one and it be him. Right. Because what I'm thinking is it's either it's one of the two bands I'm in. Oh, uh of development in my musical life. Cool. No, it's this fucking bitch begging for money. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I completely forgot about it until you started on with the sob story shit. And then I was like, wait a minute, I just got one of those recently. Yep.
SPEAKER_03Same.
SPEAKER_00From someone who I don't even know who the fuck they are.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So he probably friended you back then. You've probably been his friend for like five years, seven years.
SPEAKER_00Dude, maybe nine years. Half of my friends list, I don't know who the fuck they are.
SPEAKER_03Same dude. And like, yeah, so that's what it is. He messages everyone, and when he gets a fucking sucker to send him 20 bucks, then he fucking lives on them. He remembers that and he messages them again the next time he needs a ride, the next time he needs whatever. Dude, he's a fucking parasite. Dude, clearly he is. And like, dude, I mean, you know, can't say it enough. Sucks his wife died. I hate that. But like that hasn't also I have nothing to do with that, and that has nothing to do with me. No shit. And and I hate that it has anything to do with him. I hate that that happened to him. But like, bro, you were a fuck up way before that.
SPEAKER_00Like, like, I'll tell you what, I hate that that happened to her. I don't give a fuck about him.
SPEAKER_03He's a fucking loser. Fair. Yeah, that it's just crazy, dude. I mean, this is three straight years of you trying of begging me for money. Like, at what point are you gonna take some kind of stride in life to not be begging any any motherfuckers for money? Yeah. Like, that's crazy.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I mean, you know, straight up fucking lying about like, ooh, 13 bucks for an Uber. Shut the fuck up. That's that's wild. That's a Chipotle burrito.
SPEAKER_03You should have started walking this morning, bro. Like, I I'm sorry, but like at some point.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah. A fucking Uber ride that costs $13 is walking distance, by the way. That shit is $30 for like three miles.
SPEAKER_03In a bigger city, too. Yeah. Yeah. Go fuck yourself. The cost of living is way higher in a bigger city. Dude, move to a smaller town.
SPEAKER_00A fucking Chipotle burrito. And he wanted on wanted it on your dime.
SPEAKER_03Dude, you could go to a smaller town in the region. You wouldn't even have to go very far. Go to a smaller town. You can find a fucking apartment for 500 bucks a month, and you can get a job at like a grocery store and you can make it work. I wish you can make that happen.
SPEAKER_00I wish this was a fuck you piece of shit next week, man. Anyway. God damn.
SPEAKER_03That's a late, late stage in this episode. Fuck you piece of shit. In general, the boiling fucking beggars. Like, dude, I mean, come on, man. I I hate the guy on the side of the street. I do. Most of the time, I'm like, because I got burnt on it when I was a little kid. I'm I like had I my mom could tell I was sad because we passed a homeless guy. We we got we were already getting harde's. We got two extra biscuits for him. Fucking drove over to the Texas Roadhouse that he was standing out in front of, parked, and I walked up to like the fence line. Cops were already talking to him, and the cop walks over to me, and I hand him this food, and I'm like, hey man, I saw the guy, you know, and I'm a little kid. I'm like eight, nine. I was like, uh, saw the man, you know, begging. And so uh me and my mom got him some food, and he goes, This guy's from one county over. His truck's right there by the Texas Roadhouse. He could take advantage of lots of different charities in his own county, but instead of doing that, he's spending gas money in that old truck that surely, you know, like he's putting all the pieces together for me. Like, this guy is a moocher, and he's not really as poor as he's making it seem. He wore his worst clothes here, and that he's a fucking, he's a parasite, like you're saying. Yeah, and that's what the cop was trying to get me to. He was like, I'll give him your food because you already bought it and you're not gonna eat it. So I'll give him your food. But this guy is, you know, he's not supposed to be doing this. This is against the law, and not that part I don't care about, but the part where his truck is right over there and he looks like he walked here and he parked his truck a good ways away where you couldn't see it, you know, where you knew you wouldn't associate that truck over there with him. Like, what a fucking bitch. So I got turned off from the guy on the side of the road with a sign a long time ago.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And uh and it's just uh every time I pass him, up until like I said this a while back, probably on the show. I remember saying it to you at least, up until like three, four years ago now, but at the time when I said it, it was like one or two. Up like up until not, you know, pretty recently in my life, I was a paycheck away from being in his position. Yeah, any guy I passed on the street. So like it was kind of like, dog, what am I doing? Like, I'm Peter, you're Paul in this situation, man.
SPEAKER_00Right, right.
SPEAKER_03Like, what am what am what are we doing? I can't give you any of my money. I won't have any.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I sorry, like I've I have kind of I've had a fucking, you know, uh support system, don't get me wrong. I'm not take I'm not trying to take that for granted, but for the most part, I'm making my own money, you know?
SPEAKER_00Like, yeah, I go to work every day. There's there's handle business. There's more reasons not to than than to. That that little nugget inside of you that feels good about giving money to a guy standing on the side of the road, take that shit to the animal shelter. Exactly, exactly. You'll get a lot better feeling from uh from something that is objectively good and not something that is a dice roll against you.
unknownYeah, right.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. You're betting on two, there's six fucking sides. Yeah. You know, yeah. There's a pretty low goddamn chance that what you're doing is actually gonna make a difference. Right. It's just gonna buy him beer for beer, drugs, fucking or even if it is for his bills.
SPEAKER_03Like I I I'm sorry. If if you're not spending it on food or soap or some necessity, then you're then w fuck you. Like it's a waste, like you're saying.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, hand him a piece of paper that's a flyer for like a resume building class or something. That's like, dude, uh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03It's fucking stupid.
SPEAKER_00They're not gonna fucking do that because it's way easier for them to just get drunk and stand on you can't be drunk at a fucking job. Right. They can be drunk on the side of the road begging for money. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Like, it's not I have like compassion for genuinely homeless people.
SPEAKER_00They exist, but they're they're the minority.
SPEAKER_03And they're typically not the ones standing on the side of the road with the sign.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and those the ones that are they're at the shelter that they're like, you know? Yeah. They need they need more than just financial help, they need mental health. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And they're at rehab. They're at the they're they're living in the halfway house. They're like, you know, yeah, like they're there there are other circumstances. Like, yeah, it is really sad when you pass a guy in a sleeping bag on the side, uh like uh sleeping on the sidewalk. Yes, that's super sad. And I fucking hate that. And I hate that that that that we don't prioritize that any more than we do, but like, dog, like I I mean, at some point, like you just have to you have to handle your own business. And that guy didn't, and I am, and I know that's selfish, and that makes me sound like a Republican, but like, dude, there, you know, maybe that does make maybe that does make me a little closer to the center politically. Maybe, maybe that my bleeding heart, maybe I've I've gauzed it up a little bit over the years.
SPEAKER_00Well, no, because what makes you a liberal is that the system is what's failing, not you. Right. The system why is that my job? We pay taxes. Our taxes should be helping him, right? Not our fucking post-taxed pocket money.
SPEAKER_03It's our Republican legislators that are not, in our state specifically, that are not keeping that end of the bargain up to keep them off the street. I already paid for that guy to have his shift. I shouldn't be seeing him. A fourth of my income, part of that went to him. At this point, a third. Yeah, it's actually closer to a third. It's like 30%. I've already paid for it. I figured it up. It is, it is closer to a third, you're right.
SPEAKER_00I fucking I have already paid that bill. Sorry, bud. Yep. I got other bills to pay that are gonna be taxed again, by the way, because this country's fucking retarded. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Anyway.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we've gone on too long now.
SPEAKER_03This is almost a double.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I have to pee, which is definitely the reason we're ending and not the the fact that it's almost two hours.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Love you guys. Hope you enjoyed this episode. It's almost my bedtime. Yeah. I'm gonna go wet the bed with cum. Don't forget, we we we do have a Patreon. Demon cum. Go to that if you want more. Patreon.com slash. How could you want more? This is an hour forty eight.
SPEAKER_00You guys are all set for hey. Next week, maybe it'll be a short one and you'll feel like you want more. This week you're all set, brothers and sisters.
SPEAKER_03I'm still playing video games, so that's fun. Yeah, me too.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yep. Bye.