319 - Jake the Goat Whisperer

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WYR: Extreme

Fuck You, You Piece of Shit

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

You're the boss. I'm not. You tell me what to do. I'm not the boss. I do it. You don't hit me. Okay? That's the deal we made. Yeah. Seven years ago. In front of the altar. In front of God. It was in front of the Lord. I do what you say, and I get to take the collar off my dick at least to pee. That was the deal you made with me. Yeah. We're even. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 0:29

The following filth is a production. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

SPEAKER_02 0:33

I forgot I had a setting from last week that I didn't change back. About yay. There we go. Okay. Sorry guys.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

The following filth is a production of the Former University Tip Chip and Didn't Earth Department. Thank you for listening.

SPEAKER_00 0:46

Wherewolf minds can't find sleep. If it was the Gay of Hermes, it'd be more oily. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:01

It would be. Sorry. I thought I literally took a second to decide if I was going to take my nicotine pouch out, and then I realized that I didn't put it in that long ago. And I just had like a spasm. I had a spasm.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

You opened your mouth, moved to the side, and then second thought it. And you did the exact opposite motion to get back to your original position.

SPEAKER_02 1:28

Yeah, I put it. I rewound the VHS tape of my mind. Yeah. Welcome everyone to Fartmouth Podcast, a show whose hosts highly advise against purchasing a gallon of drain cleaner and combining it with crushed up over-the-counter cold tablets in a large container until fully dissolved. And we definitely think you shouldn't scrape the strikes off of a few dozen matchbooks into a s into the solution while maintaining a steady low heat. But you should almost certainly never add in the contents of several dismantled lithium batteries and stir until the mixture thickens. And under no circumstances should you then filter that mixture through a coffee filter into a secondary container labeled for storage. And definitely do not allow the solution to sit undisturbed for 24 hours to separate before decanting the top layer into a clean vessel and repeating the process for purity. And finally, we strongly advise against attempting to dry the resulting material on a baking sheet and referring to it as finished product. PSA concluded, don't do that.

SPEAKER_01 2:36

Definitely not.

SPEAKER_02 2:37

Every week we do few rotating segments and make each other laugh. I'm Dylan. I'm Jake.

SPEAKER_01 2:41

And we're gonna get right on into the show. I don't even know what that made. Math that's what I thought, but I knew the matchbooks were phosphorus and the Okay, cool.

SPEAKER_02 2:52

Uh don't do that. Um but yeah, uh, before we get into the festivities, I have something to tell you. Sure. I've been informed that uh we've been nominated once again to go into the gauntlet and get shit all over by uh our our good old pals over at WATP.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

Oh, really?

SPEAKER_02 3:15

Yeah. Uh I don't know who did it. One of our loyal, lovely listeners um told told Carl over at WATP that we're ready for round two. And I gotta say, I'm a lot more excited about it this time than I was last time. Oh, yeah, for sure, dude. Yeah, for sure. I was in a very dark place the last time that happened.

SPEAKER_01 3:37

Yeah, well, it might have been the worst episode ever that they they reviewed and they tore us to shreds. Rightfully so.

SPEAKER_02 3:44

Rightfully so. And uh, you know, I had a generational crash out. I was super drunk and I just yelled. I remember yelling a lot and being vicious and mean. Yeah. And that's, you know, not very representative.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Hopefully that doesn't come up. Hopefully they don't go that far back.

SPEAKER_02 4:00

Well, I mean, they yeah, they they shit on us after our response. But oh, they did? Okay, yeah, it was listen bygones are bygones. Let us have it. We'll laugh along and and play the game. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And uh I won't I won't be a little baby about it this time. I promise.

SPEAKER_01 4:18

Hey dude. Nail on the head with the fucking uh Randy Moss episode. Oh yeah. So we that's why we got all defensive, because uh you were right.

SPEAKER_02 4:29

Yeah, I don't like I don't like being I get called out sometimes and I disagree. I hate when I get called out and I a hundred percent agree.

SPEAKER_01 4:37

We got caught up in the moment in like being 12 and reading all those stats for the first time and being so wowed by it. Anyway, not gonna not gonna go down for a little bit. Just encapsulate.

SPEAKER_02 4:51

That's what I was trying to do. It'll be fun. I respect uh the the ideology, and I'm I'm excited to hear. I feel like it also is a point in our favor that the show has gotten better since then. Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

We are the arc was like we got from the first episode, you know, we started doing we started trying all kinds of shit. So it was way low in those times. We were trying, we did a bunch of voices, we did a bunch of we were trying to be Dan Soder for some reason, and then it started to tick up, and then we had like a really upward trend for like two or three years, and then it kind of it slid back down a little bit. We got a little complacent, I think. And it slid back down a little bit in the apartment, you know, yeah, the apartment period of time.

SPEAKER_02 5:36

It was rough, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:37

And for some of it, yeah. Uh for P. I do remember fucking cackling in that room, though. I do remember that happening some.

SPEAKER_02 5:44

Yeah I agree.

SPEAKER_01 5:45

Maybe further and fewer in between, whatever. But uh anyway, or fewer and further in between. Whatever. You knew what I meant. Whatever. And uh listener, you knew what I meant.

SPEAKER_02 5:55

And then you guys already sense Carl going, he messed up his words.

SPEAKER_01 6:00

He got them backwards. Listen, Carl. It's two F words. Don't make me call you an F-word, all right? Yeah. So just kidding. Uh and slur even. Yeah. That one, that specific F-word. Oh, good. And then I went fucker. So then we went back up, you know, and that's and that's where we are now.

SPEAKER_02 6:19

I think things are going swell. Yeah. And I can't wait. Um, dude. Yeah. I already got I already got several messages about it. Because I guess they like they did like a little sneak snippet. I haven't listened. I should. I should go in here. Oh, sick. Um, but I heard a couple of people mention it. And cool, cool, cool, cool. They I it was somebody I'd never heard one of them was a guy I'd never heard from before. He was very kind. I'm sorry I can't remember your name.

SPEAKER_01 6:44

Cool. Oh, speaking of which. I don't open Instagram a lot. Speaking of which, why don't we go ahead and check the Spotify comments?

SPEAKER_02 6:50

Oh, yeah, we didn't do Spotify comments last week, did we? Uh I don't I don't think so. No, sir. Shit. Now he can't find our show. I know. I can't.

SPEAKER_01 6:58

No wonder fucking no one listens to it. Here we go, here we go. We got it.

SPEAKER_02 7:00

Can't even Oh my god, why is it all the way it just went to your last one that you uh played? Okay, so Blackberg. Oh, we got a couple commentos.

SPEAKER_01 7:09

Basket said, I give this episode nine linguinis out of ten.

SPEAKER_02 7:15

And then I forgot about the linguini.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

And then uh Grim Sky said, sitting in my office, cool place, by the way. From the the black guy episode. Yeah, security guard episode.

SPEAKER_02 7:30

Sitting in my office, cool place, by the way.

SPEAKER_01 7:33

Yeah. And then uh local chef last week, yeah. Cody said local chef is a damn legend. Yes, sir. And Edrod405 said, No comments read this week. Hey, listen. Hey, Edrod, that that comment reads like a local chef comment. I just want you to know. No, I'm just kidding. You missed a word there, buddy. It's fine. It happens to the best of us. Skipped right over a whole entire word. I flipped words around earlier. Who how can I talk shit?

SPEAKER_02 8:01

You shouldn't. Right. You should be kind all the time.

SPEAKER_01 8:05

Thank you guys for commenting.

SPEAKER_02 8:06

The kinder you are, the more people question if you're a serial killer piece of shit. Nice. So if you want to strike fear into the hearts of your enemies, be a sweetie pie. Yeah. That's the real way to do it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:19

The Dennis Reynolds method. Not even his system, but his his entire method over the arc of the show was seem sensible, but actually be a fucking psychopath.

SPEAKER_02 8:31

Yeah. Kill him with kindness. Yeah. And a hatchet.

unknown 8:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:36

Uh segments. We do show we do segments on this show. It's what everybody loves about us, and nobody has a problem with it at all ever.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

Would you rather no one ever points out how it's a very tired podcast thing to do and makes fun of us for it ever. I think the fact that I'm not trying to defend us because of what you just said that we're we're going to be uh ridiculed again, but I'm not trying to do that. I swear, like I have felt this between times when I'm not thinking of that. Okay. That that the fact that we have stayed true and steadfast to would you rather sh kind of shows a different commitment. Like it shows it shows a level of commitment to this specific bit and this specific dynamic that it's like we're not part of the the group of like just throw away would you rather podcast.

SPEAKER_02 9:41

No, we are slightly above mediocre. Right. And I love it. Yeah. Anyway, you're uh you were the topic master this week for our our singular would you rather a piece. And I I will probably never ever remember what we decided on who goes first on that. Yeah, I think it's the opposite person goes first. Sure thing, buddy.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

Mine is a fucking doozy, so that makes that.

SPEAKER_02 10:10

That's good. I'll tell you what happened with my would you rather, sir. Uh I you messaged me this morning and you said at like eight? Yeah. You said my topic for would you rather this week is rabbits. And I was like, all right, cool. And I was like, what's on my mind right now? What am I thinking about? And I said, My Would You Rather topic is gonna be rocks, and then I put my phone down all happy and smug. And then I looked at myself in the reflection of my computer monitor and I said, Tyler, you're a fat moron. We don't do it that way anymore. There was only supposed to be one topic, and I had already written my would you rather for my topic in my head. I knew what I was gonna do. I had it in my brain. I was like, that's what I'm gonna say. And I'm not the kind of guy that backs down. So I adjusted my would you rather to fit into your topic, even though it doesn't. Okay. So, Jake, would you rather swallow one golf ball-sized rabbit? Okay, or put 100 P sized rabbits up your asshole. Uh okay, you know what? They're rabbits. Okay, you know what? It changes the dynamic. Now it's a lot like a little living creature.

SPEAKER_01 11:39

Yeah, but here's the thing everything but the hair you can eat. Well, in the bones. Well, the whole thing's a hair. That's great. Uh that was good. I enjoyed it. Thanks, man. Uh yeah. I laughed. I tried to laugh like Bugs Bunny and failed both times.

SPEAKER_02 12:02

The second thing we're gonna get made fun of for is being too nice to each other.

SPEAKER_01 12:05

Uh yeah, we we slob on the knob quite a bit. Uh so yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:11

God forbid two guys like each other.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

Every episode is episode 69 with us. Yeah. But um uh Hey, you guys remember when episode 69 fell on 420? That's that was awesome. I forgot about that. Um I did forget about that. Uh so I think I'm gonna swallow one rabbit. So here's the thing my my stomach is going to process the meat. The and some of the smaller bones, I think, will just be disintegrated into the colour. A lot of cartilage, yeah. Yeah, a lot of cartilage. There's uh the ears, especially. Um the like the nose, the like uh but what else is there to a rabbit? The the hair, the tissue, the bones, the contents of their intestines. That's grass. That's fine. It's shit. That's hay. It's poop. But it's hay. Yeah. It's just literally like processed hay. It you could eat rabbit shit. Like you legitimately could eat they're like dry pellets. You could eat those. You could, and it would not hurt you. Like you could. It wouldn't, I mean, it might not be great for you, but it wouldn't like kill you, you know? Like bird shit could kill you, you know?

SPEAKER_02 13:20

Yeah, there's salmonella in it, apparently.

SPEAKER_01 13:22

But well, except for disease barring disease, you know. Uh I guess a rabbit could have a disease or something. Barring that, I'm just saying there's not something inherently done to it when it's in the rabbit's body that would hurt you then. You know what I mean? Anyway. I disagree, but I don't think so. I think it's it's literally just hey. I think it doesn't stink. If if someone keeps up with with the rabbits, like if you leave it for a few days, yeah, it's gonna stink. But within the first day, it doesn't stink. Yeah, but like Which leads me to believe there's like nothing harmful in the street, shit is waste.

SPEAKER_02 13:57

There's like all kinds of other stuff in there that's not just food.

SPEAKER_01 14:01

Well I know what you're saying, but with a with a domesticated caged rabbit, I cannot fucking believe that we're sitting here debating whether you can eat shit or not. It only eats hay. You can't eat poop, Jake. I'm saying the rabbit poop is not gonna hurt me. I'm not a dog. It's fine. Not eating poop at all. You know, before we started cooking meat, we did eat raw meat. Yeah. As a species. Yeah. So we still can't eat raw meat right now. We still can, and it it as long as it doesn't have any like pathogens or anything fucked up in it, you it'll be fine. So I think I'm gonna be okay with the rabbit shit. Of all of all of animalia, that's the fucking animal I would want to eat its shit.

SPEAKER_02 14:47

It's a golf ball-sized rabbit, it doesn't matter. There's gonna barely be any shit. There's so little shit it doesn't matter. Right. I forgot that would be a little bit more.

SPEAKER_01 14:55

It's only like a three percent shit sandwich. So I'm definitely gonna eat the fucking rabbit.

SPEAKER_02 14:59

You've eat more shit in one handful of food than is gonna be in this rabbit.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

That's what I'm saying. So yeah, I'm gonna eat the one rabbit for sure. It definitely worked better when it was your original the original one.

SPEAKER_02 15:13

Yeah, because you can't digest it before you had to change it. The idea was you can't digest the golf ball. You have to shit it out. Yeah. And now there's a golf ball-sized rock coming out of your ass.

SPEAKER_01 15:22

Yeah, that's a problem. Uh, but a golf ball-sized some bones, maybe like that's the worst thing, is if one of the rib bones gets caught in the room.

SPEAKER_02 15:30

Have you considered the emotional toll that it'll take on you to eat a live animal?

SPEAKER_01 15:34

A live and yeah, a live rabbit. But here's the thing the fact that it's golf ball-sized means it's so small and infantile that I I'm basically just aborting it. You know, I'm basically just aborting it through my asshole, you know?

SPEAKER_02 15:50

I think it's just a shrink ray situation. I think it's uh it's a learned rabbit. It's a rabbit that's got life. It's a precocious rabbit. Yeah. He's been hopping along, avoiding cars. Yeah. Uh I guess toads would probably find them interesting at that size. You know, any any type of uh cat would fuck a golf ball-sized rabbit up. Oh, yeah, yeah. They do, they're called mice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But uh, yeah, no, this rabbit's lived life, and then boom, shrink ray.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

Okay, I see. So it's got a little white tail and shit. It's like a rabbit. It's yeah, it's ready to go. It's not a fetus. Well, because if it was a rabbit fetus, that's easy. Oh, I can dissociate from that. Put a little soy sauce in that's not cute at all.

SPEAKER_02 16:38

Dip that in a little sweet baby rays, I'll go down nice and easy on a fucking Saturday afternoon.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

I've got no emotional anything for that. Like, that's fine.

SPEAKER_02 16:47

No, we're talking a fucking an a lived animal.

SPEAKER_01 16:51

Okay. I'm thinking I'm still gonna eat the rabbit because even though it's gonna be horrific, it's gonna scream for a second before I finally kill it betwixt my jaws. Yeah. And uh it's not gonna be great. It's gonna be horrible, don't get me wrong. But also shrink race situation of stuffing many of them in my asshole, right? Yeah, peace sized. And they're alive in that case, too. So it's gonna be a th a hundred of them screaming in my asshole, which will be cavernous at this point. Yeah. With a bunch of rabbits filling it up, so they'll sound dampen it some, but like it's just gonna be a s a whistle coming out of my asshole. Rabbit screams, like a train whistle out of my beehole. And I I'm not, I don't, I don't like that. At least, and all of those rabbits are gonna die. Like they're in my butthole, they're gonna suffocate, they're gonna suffocate.

SPEAKER_02 17:48

They're eating shit instead of you eating. Yeah, right. Yeah, fuck you rabbits.

SPEAKER_01 17:53

You eat my shit, you fucking herbivore pieces of shit.

SPEAKER_02 17:56

There's probably some hay in there on accident or something. Some oats.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

There's I mean, maybe some bugs. They do eat bugs. Yeah. Um, yeah, I mean, uh, rabbits are actually omnivores. I I always forget that. That I mean, they're the best thing for them to eat is hay or grass or whatever, but uh they can eat like bugs and like small they they do eat other shit.

SPEAKER_02 18:18

Yeah, I heard deer eat birds.

SPEAKER_01 18:20

They can, yeah. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 18:22

Baby birds in the nest. That's dude. I bet you're crazy. They just crunch on fucking robin eggs. You know, everyone's like, oh, they're such majestic creatures. I wanna I wish I could pet one. Yeah. Meanwhile, they're fucking crunching on the bones of a like barely alive bird that can't see yet. Yeah. Just beak between fucking gnashing teeth.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

Have you ever felt how hard a goat's head is? Like how hard their skull is. Not the horns, obviously, but their skull.

SPEAKER_02 18:53

I know. I haven't been around many goats in my day. Uh I kind of goat-free.

SPEAKER_01 18:59

I f I fucked around with a goat one time. Just kidding. I mean, I did, but I didn't, not with my penis. Uh, but not with my penis, but man, I want that soundbite.

SPEAKER_02 19:10

Just in general. I want that soundbite on repeat. There was a I fucked around with a goat one time.

SPEAKER_01 19:15

Family that my family was friends with. Uh basically a lady my mom met at the bar. Her family. Like we went over there one time for a gathering, yeah, and they had a goat in a pin. Jake, we're going to the goat lady's house. Yeah, and I fucking grab your game, boy.

SPEAKER_02 19:34

You ain't gonna like it.

SPEAKER_01 19:35

Yeah. No, it was fine. Uh, there were some cool people there. So it was fine. Um watching scary movie three, actually. Oh, yeah. I remember that. I remember coming in and it was the eight mile scene.

SPEAKER_02 19:45

Anyways, so uh I'm a white boy and my neck is red. I like Memerical Whip. I'm my one to bread. You got it triggered my autism. You got it. So you're it's your fault.

SPEAKER_01 19:55

And then Cindy is like doing the the MM like with her hand up and down, but she's so white, it's really funny. Um, okay. Where was I at? Uh fuck. You went to the goat. Oh, yeah, went to the goat, and uh, and there were some there were some chicks there, and me and my buddy went with us. And so me and my me and my buddy, some chicks, and so uh I don't know, started talking about the goat, and uh the chick who owned the goat, she was like, Why don't you get in there with him? And I was like, uh, you know, we're all standing around in the driveway. We're young, we we're we're like teenagers, we can't drink, so we're all just kind of standing there and by this goat pin because it's right by their driveway. And I was like, and so we start talking about this goddamn goat because it keeps making noise and shit and looking at us. And uh, and uh so I got in the pen with the goat because she dared me to. And I so I'm I I grabbed, I grab his fucking horns and uh and I grab his horns and I'm fucking with him, and he's like trying to come at me because I'm in his pen, you know? He's like, he's like, hey dude, you're in my fucking you're on my turf. I'm gonna fuck you up. And so he's coming at me and he hits me in the thigh, you know, not like with the pointy part of his horn, but like with the blunt side of his horn. Yeah, and so in grabbing his his head and his horns while while I'm like urgently trying to get him not to hit me in the balls or whatever, uh, you feel how hard his fucking skull is. And god damn, dude. So I'm I say all of that to say if a deer has three quarters of the skull density of a fucking goat, oh my god, bro, they can fuck you up. But we think of them as such lighthearted, beautiful creatures. Yeah, right, because they do run away most of the time. They are prey animals, but when they don't, watch out, bro.

SPEAKER_02 21:51

Yeah, I would say I don't want to be charged by a wild animal. Not at all. I don't care how hard their skull is, I'm just I'm I don't want to hang out in the fucking woods too much. Anyway, I did play Wild Boys for a minute there in that goat pen.

SPEAKER_01 22:05

It was pretty funny.

SPEAKER_02 22:06

That is fucking hilarious.

SPEAKER_01 22:07

I did end up dating that chick and we made out.

SPEAKER_02 22:09

I can't explain to you guys why I find that story so funny, but just the picture of a bunch of kids standing around a goat pen, and one of them just goes, You should get in there with that goat.

unknown 22:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:22

It was her goat. So I was like, oh, she knows the goat. She knows it's not going to hurt me. It's just so funny. And it did try, dude, it tried to castrate me. It was coming at my balls.

SPEAKER_02 22:30

Oh my god, dude. It's such a country bumpkin ass fucking story. So we were staying around a goat pen. It was right at a 13-year-old's ball height. The goat was. So fucking funny, dude.

SPEAKER_01 22:41

And uh I remember it shoving me up against the chain link. I remember my back, I'm holding it by its horns. It is trying to put its skull through my testicles, and I'm my back against a chain link fence.

SPEAKER_02 22:53

Damn, dude. It was weird. You got assaulted by that goat.

SPEAKER_01 22:56

Yeah, dude. I was I felt like Steve O though.

SPEAKER_02 22:58

So serves for getting in his fucking on his territory, man.

SPEAKER_01 23:02

I was I was just living my like Crisponious fantasies in love in that moment. I'm surprised you didn't jerk the goat off. Uh I don't remember if it was a male or female, honestly.

SPEAKER_02 23:15

Uh if it had horns, I'm pretty sure.

SPEAKER_01 23:17

Oh, yeah, I guess that's a that's a male, huh? That's how that works. There's probably some species that have horns though, but the females like the hyena with the female uh clit dick. Well, but yeah, but there's like cows that the females have horns.

SPEAKER_02 23:30

Right, right, right. Anyway. What's your uh rabbit? I almost said rock. What's your rabbit?

SPEAKER_01 23:35

Usually, usually anyway leads to my would you rather when I when I say it in the middle of the two. But I forgot that I still have one to do. Um Would You Rather, Tyler?

SPEAKER_02 23:45

Yo.

SPEAKER_01 23:45

See, okay, sorry, before I start. I I was trying to think of all the different things you can do with a rabbit after I thought of it just randomly. Yeah. And then I remembered, like, I remembered when I was a teenager hearing of this thing I'm about to say.

SPEAKER_02 24:03

Did you crawl into a fucking rabbit pen too?

SPEAKER_01 24:05

When I was when I no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_02 24:07

Jake, Lord of the Animals.

SPEAKER_01 24:08

All right. So, Tyler, yeah, would you rather stick a rabbit remote vibrator? Oh shit. You know what I'm talking about?

SPEAKER_02 24:18

Yeah, the little pink thing.

SPEAKER_01 24:19

Yep. Up your ass every day for one week. And sync the vibration up to your work phone and video chat, whatever the fuck on your computer. Oh man. Whatever you do, your meetings, your virtual meetings on your computer, yeah. So that it goes off when any sound is transmitted through man. Coming or going. Bummer. Okay. That's that's one that's why I said it was a doozy because I had a lot to explain.

SPEAKER_02 24:45

That is, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:45

But I had to explain all of it, you know?

SPEAKER_02 24:48

Of course.

SPEAKER_01 24:49

Or catch and eat rabbits as your only sustenance for that same work week. So five days.

SPEAKER_02 24:58

Oh man. Okay, so I'm gonna nerd out a little bit on you. I don't know how long it takes to happen, but if you eat only rabbit for an extended period of time, there's this thing called rabbit fever.

SPEAKER_01 25:14

Oh, yeah, yeah. I know what you're hearing.

SPEAKER_02 25:16

And it's not just rabbit, it's anything that's too protein dense without any fat included. Right. Can I cook it? Too lean. Am I allowed to cook it with oil or butter? Or am I just dry roasting this thing over a fucking fire?

SPEAKER_01 25:28

Okay, so the the crux of my of that half of the would you rather for me is that you have to catch an eat. You have to catch them. Right. Like you have to surmise a way to catch them. Um I guess you could get a gun, but then that you have a gun, I guess. But but that that opens up its own doors of mystery in that is a neighbor gonna call the cops? How many times can you shoot your gun in your backyard before you get in trouble?

SPEAKER_02 25:59

I love I love your imagination.

SPEAKER_01 26:01

Are you gonna have to go to the like out to the woods with a pistol to fucking shoot rabbits to fucking eat for the week?

SPEAKER_02 26:09

How does this work? In Jake's beautiful imagination, this guy just pictured me with a fucking dirty wife beater out in my backyard with a nine millimeter handgun with hollow point rounds in it, shooting rabbits that are hopping through the fucking hole in the fence.

SPEAKER_01 26:26

I think you're I think you're gonna say, break yourself, fool, before you can make every shot.

SPEAKER_02 26:30

Yeah, I'm gonna be oh my god. I'm like fat MGK out in my trailer park backyard, capping fucking Peter Cottontail. What the hell? No, I would go to the woods and hunt rabbits. I would buy a 22. Or like, I don't know, a fucking a bow. You could borrow my 22. Yeah, I'll I'll fucking wear my cowboy hat and no t-shirt leather vest out there with fucking assless chaps on.

SPEAKER_01 26:55

No, just wear the the uh woody from Toy Story shirt that you have.

SPEAKER_02 26:59

I don't know where the sleeves off of it. Oh, yeah, I gotta cut the sleeve off of that. That would be kind of rad.

SPEAKER_01 27:04

Sleeveless Woody. So you kind of look like him in uh the second movie where he has his arm ripped. That would be sick.

SPEAKER_02 27:13

I'll I'm definitely I'm interested in cutting off the sleeves to a lot of my shirts. I've been wanting to do that for a while. I just forget.

SPEAKER_01 27:20

And yes, just now my brain did go through which toy story was that? Oh, yeah, it was the second one where he's in there with boss hog or whatever his name is and Jesse and the horse. Anyway.

SPEAKER_02 27:32

Oh yeah, Jesse.

SPEAKER_01 27:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:35

Uh yeah. Trying to think, reach for the sky, bitch. I was trying to make it happen, but my brain cells were firing on fucking fumes. It was Jesse from Toy Story mixed with Jesse from Breaking Bad. I bet I bet for those who didn't understand what just happened.

SPEAKER_01 27:52

I bet Woody wishes he could uh put his snake in that boot.

SPEAKER_02 27:55

You know, there's a snake in my bitch! Uh anyway. Uh I'm trying to remember what year would you rather uh you gotta fucking yeah, kill and eat rabbits only for a week or have a vi So here's the problem with the first one because that's all I do is find problems with your with your shit. Oh to try to debate them in my head. Right, right. The first one, the problem is I'm just gonna be honest here. I'm not gonna be able to stop laughing. I'm not gonna be able to hold my shit together during any phone call. I won't be able to hold my shit inside of my body either. Um, but no phone call. Yeah. Fucking Captain Tank over here, dude, just dropping deuces all over the yard out there with that goat chewing his cud and the grass.

SPEAKER_01 29:00

Jakey two tones over here, dude. Chewing his cud. Ah, anyway. Uh the goats eating my shit while I'm shitting. Goatsy. Goatsy. Now you're just some shit that I used to know.

SPEAKER_02 29:16

Oh no.

SPEAKER_01 29:17

Goatier, you know. Goat. Whatever you pronounce that, you pretentious fucks that that actually care.

SPEAKER_02 29:23

He's French or something. That's gross. Um fuck, man. I can't, yeah, I would I wouldn't be able to stop laughing during meetings because every time someone talks, I would be my ass would be vibrating. And it's not like a pussy where like you're just like constantly getting all these pleasure signals all day. Like I gotta poop and stuff, and things just gonna be tickling my taint while I'm sitting in a meeting all day. Like, yeah, sure. Okay, maybe one or two times at the beginning of the day I'll come because it's vibrating.

SPEAKER_01 30:01

Yeah, I'll get milk, probably. Yeah, sure, but it ain't all fucking jizz, man. I'll get milked at my desk like Bill Clinton. Nice, dude. I'll have to smoke a cigar after every meeting, wear a blue dress, get a painting made of me at the time for some fucking reason. I'm just kidding. I'm sure that's not a real life painting. I'm sure Bill didn't model for that one.

SPEAKER_02 30:27

Oh no.

SPEAKER_01 30:28

I think it was probably just uh painted uh by someone's imagination.

SPEAKER_02 30:32

I like imagination. A friend of Epstein, I'm assuming. Oh man, Donald Trump painted a fucking up there with like an easel.

SPEAKER_01 30:43

Yeah, the secrets he was referring to in the birthday card were the that he painted the fucking Bill Clinton. That's right, yeah. He's like, I'm actually I'm actually an incredible artist. I'm gonna put lots of cum on it. It's gonna be a huge load. Bill the biggest load. I should know. Presidents have the biggest loads. A tremendous load. Yeah. Um I can't do an accent, so I just vaguely try to do the the close enough close enough, man.

SPEAKER_02 31:11

Oh fuck. Okay, so yeah. I think that um I think the second option would be better for me. Okay. Like, you know, fuck yeah. It's a healthy thing. Right. It's good to know to look into the eyes of your food before you pull its skin off of its flesh. Uh-huh. I think that's probably good for you to do that. Yeah. Um, and the exercise, you know. Oh yeah. The outdoors, dude. Being out in being out in nature again with my with my nine millimeter all over the hunting gun. Oh.

SPEAKER_03 31:55

My hunting glock.

SPEAKER_01 32:01

All right, I'm gonna grab my gat and go out to the fucking Yeah, where's your gat? Some guys got in of you know, a Winchester and something people hunt with. Yeah. And you're like, yo.

SPEAKER_02 32:14

I love your 30 out sticks, dog. What you think about my piece right here? You hunting with that, mister? Finna peel all them rabbit caps back. My hops is out in the woods and they got whiskers. About to get Peter Capentail.

SPEAKER_00 32:34

Oh, whoa.

SPEAKER_01 32:36

My hops. Oh, no. There it is with two P's, brother. There it is, dude. Shit. My hops are out there just fucking gallivanting in the woods, and I hate it.

SPEAKER_02 32:48

Try to lay an egg now, bitch. I know that's what y'all's known for.

SPEAKER_01 32:57

Uh man, y'all are fucking evil. I don't know why anyone would associate you with Jesus.

SPEAKER_02 33:05

Uh, he is risen.

SPEAKER_01 33:07

It went from slightly black to slightly Mitch Headberg there.

SPEAKER_02 33:11

Yeah, we got through it, though. That's good. Yeah, we made it to the end. We're at the end of that tunnel. So I'm gonna do the second one.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

Here's the daylight between.

SPEAKER_02 33:19

I don't I don't want to laugh and cum at my desk too much. Yeah, okay. So I'm a once a month kind of guy.

unknown 33:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:28

Sick.

SPEAKER_02 33:29

Yes, sir. We got more stuff. Once a month kind of guy. I mean, yeah, in the office. Just once a month at work. Okay. I'm not trying to make a habit of it.

SPEAKER_01 33:40

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_02 33:40

Uh, we got another segment coming up. We keep things rolling. Yeah. We already did the Spotify comments, just running through my mental checklist here. No parodies. Okay, yeah, we're good. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:50

We're going into the next you, you peace up shit.

SPEAKER_02 33:56

I don't know, man. I'm feeling a little silly for this now.

SPEAKER_01 34:01

I am too, but I I can get back into mine real quick. Mine's shorter than yours. I have two. Oh, you have two. One's really, really short.

SPEAKER_02 34:07

Let's get it, bro. One's really, really short. Okay. Let's do it. So here's what I'm gonna say. It's not very often that I do a fuck you piece of shit on an anime. We can do this. Guys, this has been my singular linguistic struggle my whole life. The only one. You hear me speak articulately all the fucking time. I know words that people shouldn't know. I have one and I can't remember what it is right now. But when I when I remember, I'll let you know. This is it's three of this sound in a row. An inanimate. That's hard to say. Inanimate, yeah. And inanimate.

SPEAKER_01 34:52

What are you saying?

SPEAKER_02 34:53

An inanimate object.

SPEAKER_01 34:55

Yeah, two words. Got it. And inanimate. Ooh, yeah. Sucks that's a lot, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:00

I fucking hate that. And I don't know that I've done a fucky piece of shit on a an object that is uh disanimated. That is not animated, yeah. One which is not uh gaining personage. Not moving. One that is uh in the classical sense, an object that does not move or breathe. That motherfucker dead. Yeah, uh fuck you piece of shit. Two ananimate object fasteners of all sorts. Okay screws, nails, bolts in some occasions. You know why? I got my own beef. Uh you want to hear my beef? I'm I'm listening for your beef. While I'm fucking this goat. Not one, not two, but three times in the past two months. Uh huh. I have picked up a fucking nail or screw and three separate tires. Why are they on the road place?

unknown 36:09

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 36:10

I have pulled three fucking nails or screws out of three tires.

SPEAKER_01 36:16

That's crazy. Three different tires?

SPEAKER_02 36:18

Three different tires. First one, I'll be on hey, listen, guys, I'll be honest with you. Took me two months to get around to it. You know why? Because if you got a screw in your tire, uh you just put some air in the tire once a day. You just move on like a man. You just be a man about it, and you just put air, you buy a compressor because that's way easier than getting a tire patched, and in your driveway, you stand shamedly at your tire while air is pumped into it for two months before you do anything about it. Because you're a man.

SPEAKER_01 36:58

You're not a fucking woman, and then you would go buy a tire.

SPEAKER_02 37:03

And then what happens is you get another nail and another tire. And then you're like, am I really gonna air up two fucking tires a day now? No, that's stupid. I was stupid enough for the one. Now I'm gonna now I have to switch sides because they're both at the back and they're different sides. So I air up one tire and then I gotta unplug the fucking thing, walk around to the other side of the truck, plug it back. It that's a lot of fucking bullshit when I could just fix the fucking tire. And then I no, I'm I'm Tarantinoing the story on accident. Got the two screws, so then I go, all right, enough is enough. I'm gonna I don't feel I still don't feel like going to a place to get it patched because I don't feel like waiting. So I'm just gonna go on Amazon and I'm gonna see what options are out there to fix it myself, patch it, not gonna do the fucking goo in the in the air hole that's bad for your rims, it's bad for everything. Don't do that. It also throws the weight distribution off on your tires, and now they're unbalanced. Right. So I went on Amazon and I found this new technology. It's a very simple technology. What you do is you pop the nail or screw out or whatever, and then they got this little package where there is a plastic screw with a head and everything, but it's coated in this like silicone shit. So then you screw that into the tire, and it's really only supposed to be like an emergency thing to do on the highway when you're on your way somewhere, but I don't care. So I bought this because it was five dollars for like 40 of them. So I bought it, and then it sat on my coffee table for two weeks because I didn't that's what was on your coffee table. When you you and your uh your lady and your your kid came over to my place, yeah, and uh she was like, What's this?

SPEAKER_01 39:16

And I was like, I don't want to get into it. Put it down. I've I was like, there's a story when you when you didn't say when you didn't say what it was, and you didn't you didn't want to explain it. I was like, there you only don't want to explain it if there's a at least a semi-interesting story behind it.

SPEAKER_02 39:37

Now you're hearing it two weeks later. Yeah, so I fucking I got all I got all fucking ready to go. I grabbed a screwdriver and a pair of pliers and this little bag, and then I went outside, I opened the door to go outside to do it, and it was pouring fucking rain.

SPEAKER_03 39:54

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 39:54

And I was like, God damn it. So I went back inside, and then uh this was over over the weekend, uh, it it cleared up and I went out and I I repl I did it. I just fucking took the thing, you know, did the two tires and uh and the next day, usually it would lose about five ish psi per day. So I'd you know get it to 30. Well, not even per day. No, it was like honestly, I was only out there airing up the one tire like every four or five days. Yeah, yeah. So it wasn't that big of a deal. Yeah, but I definitely didn't want to have to keep fucking back and forth. Um, so uh I checked it the next day, same exact level it was at 32 PSI when I went to bed, 32 when I got up. Next day, same thing. So I was like, cool, we're good. And then I pulled into my fucking driveway yesterday, no, two days ago, and I I was walk I just I'd never do this. I walk I was walking away and I looked back at the tire, the front left one, and I saw something silver, and I because I have the screw and my tire shit on my mind, I just did this. I went up to it. There's another fucking screw.

SPEAKER_01 41:08

God damn.

SPEAKER_02 41:09

I haven't replaced your driveway, man.

SPEAKER_01 41:11

You might need to take a metal detector to your driveway or something. Like a magnet, maybe, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 41:17

That's yeah, that occurred to me too. It's so weird though, because they were honestly three different fasteners. That's why I said one was a nail, one was a drywall screw, and the one that's in there now is a hex head. Damn where are they coming from? Tech screw.

SPEAKER_01 41:35

That's crazy, dude.

SPEAKER_02 41:36

Oh, yeah. It's probably my driveway because it all happened. I, you know, I've had that's your new place.

SPEAKER_01 41:41

Yeah, you've only been there a couple months, so and I hadn't that kind of makes sense checks out with the timeline, right? Yeah. Uh yeah. I I did the dude. I've gone through phases of my life. Like it's it's an ebb and a flow of whether I'm having tire problems or I'm not. Oh yeah. It's like for three months I'm having tire problems, and then I'm off the tire problems for six months, and then I'm back on for a while. Because when it first happens, you go two weeks. You air it up, it lasts two weeks, especially if it's the summer. It's fucking it never deflates. But when it's cold, that shit becomes a huge problem. It's something you have to deal with every day, damn near. And uh that's when it becomes worth it. It's like, okay, well, I'm gonna scrape together$200 to fix this fucking problem. Uh yeah. Especially when it's two tires, which it was on my car, actually, which is why I got fucking tires. That's why I did the dealt with the morass that is getting new tires. Morass.

SPEAKER_02 42:51

The next time you get a screw and your tire, hit me up, I'll fucking I'll put a s a little plastic screw in it.

SPEAKER_01 42:57

So you you're riding on those right now.

SPEAKER_02 42:59

Yeah. Yeah, it's been the the the two I did, it's been like five days. Nice. All good. Hell yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_01 43:08

All right, so my my fuck you piece of shit. I can't say the exact name of this company. Okay. But Coca-Cola. You're gonna find you're gonna know. It's it's a it's a company that builds printers. Oh, okay. So I am kind of narrowing myself down here, but I have to.

SPEAKER_02 43:30

I'm gonna name all the printer manufacturers I know. Lexmark, brother, Epson, Xerox, Sharp, Keocera. Oh. Keocera makes really good MFPs, actually. Uh that's I'm just gonna stop doing it now. I could probably name more, but I don't wanna. Um Hewlett Packard?

SPEAKER_01 43:52

That's not it. But Hewlett Packard is one.

SPEAKER_02 43:55

Uh oh, Kanica Minolta.

SPEAKER_01 43:57

Durst, that's one. Fuck Conica Minolta. Uh okay, so I I wrote some notes so I would remember the story correctly because it happened today and I was so fucking furious earlier today. I was like, I don't think I'm gonna be able to remember broccoli gate all over. So I need to go ahead and do this. Yeah. How was your broccoli gate at work today? So today, I'm at work. I'm printing things. I'm printing on this material called corex. You know it because you've seen yard signs before.

SPEAKER_02 44:29

It's corrugated plastic. It's just like the cardboard boxes are made out of, but it's plastic. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 44:35

So we print on that for like these temporary signs for like golf scrambles or political campaigns or whatever. For Congress. So today, trucking along on this job. It's not even very many of these fucking things. But the ones I have are all curvy, they suck, they're all curvy, and that's not good for a printer. You need it to be flat.

SPEAKER_02 44:54

Right.

SPEAKER_01 44:55

Otherwise, the fucking print heads rub and it leaves ink gunk on top of your fucking beautiful print.

SPEAKER_02 45:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:03

Which was happening repeatedly, and it was pissing me off already. So just that already is pissing me off. That is very uh creating. So I have this epiphany of like, oh, we have big ass sheets of that in the back in like a different department. So I'm gonna go get a piece. Yeah, and they they constantly are cutting it up, so they have big chunks that that they don't have any place for just yet, and you can go back there and grab a piece. So I did. Went back there, got a piece. Uh I looked through the pile to make sure I found a flat one. It was pretty fucking flat. It's also bigger. So the idea is more of it's spread out, the vacuum pulls it down better. It was gonna work, dude. I was so happy that I was like, dude, I fucking I'm a problem solver, dude. Call me the fireman. They keep fucking cropping up different places, and I put them out. That's what's happening. So I implement my idea, I put the big thing in there. It's it it does all of its normal things, the printer. It does all of its shit like it's supposed to, like it's like uh everyone's used to. And it fucking slides the thing out, the carriage comes over to the right, and it doesn't do anything for like five seconds. And usually it goes right to it. So this is weird. Uh and I'm sitting there waiting. And then an error pops up. Uh-oh. Print line failed due to data not ready. First of all, that ain't a that ain't a sentence. That ain't how people talk. I know you're a machine, but a person type that in for this error code. And yeah, so uh uh print line failed due to data not ready, which basically amounts to their software that facilitates the communication between the printer and the server that runs the printer, you know, that sends it all of its information. It's malfunctioning, right? Their software is fucking up. They they know it fucks up this way, and that this is a possibility because they built the error code into the machine. Right? You know what I mean? I'm putting two and two together on this, and I'm like, I'm getting my ass fucked right now by you. Because and and and the ass fucking just continued, Tyler. Okay, cool. Right on their website, it says what kind of files you need to download and install. It says where you need to install them, exactly what folder. Puts it in fucking plain English. Yeah. It says they're attached to the article that you're currently reading. One of the lines in that paragraph is underlined as though it's a hyperlink. But it's not. Oh, fuck! And they ain't there, Tyler. No, they're not there. Oh no. So your boy Googles those files to try to find them. Give them a goog. They don't exist. This company has scrubbed them from the internet, I'm assuming.

SPEAKER_02 48:07

Sounds like a local chef horror story. So that you need to- Then I went online and they that company wouldn't even existed yet.

SPEAKER_01 48:15

I and and then I I opened up my computer and went to the desktop. Pretty cool place. I got my items all neatly on the left. I right-clicked the recycle bin and it disappeared. That's some scary shit. So yeah, there's tunnels in my Dell. I don't know computers anymore.

SPEAKER_02 48:43

Please. Tunnels in the Dell. Tunnels in my gateway. Fucking farmer in the Dell over here.

SPEAKER_01 48:50

He's black. He's black, bro. He's low on the socioeconomic totem pole. I can't talk. God damn. Is he uppity? He is uppity. Uh he's a security guard. Of course he's uppity, dude. Uh security guard of a computer, I guess.

SPEAKER_02 49:04

House inward, if you will.

SPEAKER_01 49:06

Um little Sam Jackson in uh Django. Yeah, exactly. Uh so I tell my boss, and he goes, We have a support contract with them. I like we recently enough signed up for that that I am saying it with confidence. He didn't say all that, but that's that's how I took it. That's what happened. He said, So call them. So I did. And uh, you know, I had to sit through a fucking Sophie Cunningham on had to sit through a fucking AI fucking jazz song and shit in the uh in the holding pattern that I was in. And then they fucking uh finally a dude answers. So I uh when he answers, I start to tell him my issue, you know, because I'm pissed. And I'm like, I'm like fired up. I know you need to verify my identity, like I knew that, but I was like, I'm gonna go ahead and tell you my problem. So I do. I start to tell him my issue, and then he asks for a serial number. So I go out to the machine, I read him off the serial number. He says, My place of work. I say, Yes, that's where I am. You got it. He asks who I am, he asks all of the questions, like you know, to try to figure out what's up. I tell him uh uh my boss is usually the contact, so that's probably the name you have. I tell him my boss's name. He's typing, he's he's a fucking whatever that bitch is that sits in the courtroom and just types. Stenographer. That bitch. He's doing that. Yeah, he's that's what's happening. I bet it's all in red text here. He's taking psychological notes on you. Stephen King writing carry right now, dude, with how much typing this motherfucker's doing. He's writing his novella while he is at his job somehow. Dude, this motherfucker was typing so long and not saying anything. He's not addressing my problem whatsoever. He is only I understand he needs to verify my identity. I'm not a retard, but like you can't give me a little something a little placation at least and be like, yeah, that, yeah, we've seen that a few times. Something, dude. Just people skills in general. We can take care of that for you. Just tell just make sure that I know you know that you deserve to know this information that you're paying us for it. You know what I mean? Like, give me something. And he says, I'm not seeing a contract with us. Oh. I'm not seeing that contract. We have a different contract as well. And I said, uh, I'm pretty sure my boss like just looked it up, and I'm pretty sure we have that. We're we're good. And so then he's like, let me contact somebody else. He does. They confirm that we don't have the contract. Oh. That's what they said. Then he goes back to his stenographer gig for uh now that now that I remembered that word because you said it. He's overemployed it. Yeah. Now that he goes to his second job uh for a minute. Got to clock in. He's typing, he's clickedy clacking for a long time. And it's like he he's put he's purposefully putting the phone near the keyboard because it is loud clacking, dog. Like there's bass to the clacking. There shouldn't be bass to the clacking. No. That is a that is an attack heavy sound. That isn't that is a high-end sound. You don't EQ that low. You know what I mean? You definitely don't. Anyway, he comes back. He's got a reverb on it.

SPEAKER_02 52:26

He comes back and he says he's got a fucking foot pedal board plugged into his keyboard. He's like running effects. He's got a neural DSP plugged into his fucking keyboard.

SPEAKER_01 52:37

He's got a flander like he's in corn. He's got a dude. He's playing blind on the keyboard over the phone.

SPEAKER_02 52:46

He hits one pedal and he's like, hang on, I gotta tune real quick, and then the the sound goes away.

SPEAKER_00 52:51

No clacking.

SPEAKER_02 52:53

He's like, all right, cool. I'm back in drop D. Unmute it. And now it's now he's typing and it's deeper.

SPEAKER_01 53:02

Clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, da-da-da, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, da-da-da-da-da. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, that was blind for those of you, for those of uh those observant new metal fans that we have in our listenership. Um he says he comes back finally after all the clack clickety clacking, and he says, We'll have to, you're gonna have to pay for an hour of support for this.

SPEAKER_02 53:28

Yeah, dude. He's like, All right, I need you to hang up, dial 1900 fixed printer. Yeah, dude, basically. You have to press 7 to accept charges, it's 45 cents a minute.

SPEAKER_01 53:39

And he goes, For now, I've put in a request and we'll call you back, and then you, you know, we'll get the money part of it squared away. And I mean, that's the gist of what he's saying is we'll get the money part of it squared away, and then we'll figure out your problem. Which they can fucking literally, like from his computer, he was clickety-clacking on, he could literally within five minutes remote into my printer and fix my problem.

SPEAKER_02 54:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:07

Within five minutes, I know this is gonna be the fucking easiest, fastest fucking fix. He didn't even answer my like I asked several questions. He fucking did not answer a single question I asked about the printer problem. Like, this motherfucker is a company dog to the nth degree. Fuck him, he's a piece of shit. Fuck the company, they're pieces of shit. Because guess what, Tyler? You do have the contract. My boss emailed the local rep of the company, and the bitch was like, Yeah, you have that. I'm seeing it right here. Very annoying. Hey, hey, motherfucker, I know you built this machine to do this to me. I know, not to me specifically, but to everyone who bought one. I know you did that. I know you made this in a way that we're gonna have to fucking call you. I know you did. I know that there's some protocol where fucking whenever, oh, they didn't take the service contract. Oh, we're gonna put this in. Oh, they didn't take the fucking support contract either? Oh, we're gonna fucking oh, initiate fuck you.exe or whatever fucking uh dot b, whatever the fuck I D E V. Dot D E V. That's what it was. Uh fuck you.dev. Your shit's gonna break down in a few years, dot dev, and you're gonna come calling and you're gonna have to pay for at least an hour for us to fix it. Yeah, this goes all the way to the top.

SPEAKER_02 55:41

It does, yeah. The president signing executive.exe. Fuck you, Trump and Forder.

SPEAKER_01 55:47

Fuck you, Trump. I know it was you, you bitch. All right, anyway. Yeah, that's my that's my fucking U piece of shit.

SPEAKER_02 55:54

They call that manufactured obsolescence. Dude, I it took the iPhone to court over it.

SPEAKER_01 56:00

That makes me so mad, bro. That that I mean, I'm not saying that that necessarily. Obviously, that was a bit hyperbolic that they did that. I think it was more likely negligence and or incompetence that led to that. More of cutting corners, possibly. Not that it was a, you know, desig designated to tank at some point. Right. Well, you know, they just didn't give a fuck and fuck them. I'm sorry that happened to you, man.

unknown 56:30

God.

SPEAKER_02 56:31

Sounds like a rough day.

SPEAKER_01 56:33

I hope I get another person tomorrow on the phone. I hope it's not that fucking guy. Yeah. That fucking guy, I hate him. A teetotaler. What a fucking bitch, dude. I bet you go to church, don't you? You fucking.

SPEAKER_02 56:45

Oh, dude, he worships the church. Don't you bitch? Dude, that guy worships the Lord.

SPEAKER_01 56:50

You're on your knees for every day for the Lord, you piece of shit.

SPEAKER_02 56:54

Lord Commander. Uh, we've been watching uh Game of Thrones spin-offs lately. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 57:01

You gotta get on it's always sunny, man. What the fuck? I don't know, man. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm sure I'm sure they're good. I'm just I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_02 57:08

The funny thing is, I watched I've seen all seasons like three times, and I've just been pretending I've never watched it. What? What? It's always sunny? Yeah. You've seen it like 30 times. No way. Not once. Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 57:24

I was like, there's no fucking way. You didn't know anything. You would have cracked because if you watch it, you know it's undeniable. You have to talk to your friends about it. Yeah. If they watch it too.

SPEAKER_02 57:34

That's part of what keeps me from doing things too, though.

SPEAKER_01 57:39

Because you know you're gonna have to talk about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Dude, just don't tell me about it till you're done, you know? Okay. Until you're so into it that you can't resist. I'm okay with talking about it with you. It's everybody else I don't want to talk to. I can be I can be a little much whenever I'm super excited about something, but no. You and that goat, dude. Hey, the goat is who I'm most excited about right now.

SPEAKER_02 58:13

Oh, is this another Fernando Fucking Mendoza? Fernando Fucking Mendoza.

SPEAKER_01 58:20

I I gotta get off the I gotta stop talking about him so much. It's just funny. It's funny to that maybe people think that I'm a little gay because I'm talking about this man so much. I mean he's a good looking guy.

SPEAKER_02 58:33

He is a good looking guy. Uh my final fuck you piece of shit. It's a little bit of a story. Okay. It's a doozy. I'm ready. Uh so fuck you piece of shit to specifically this one guy.

SPEAKER_00 58:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 58:48

Whose name is Brendan. Brendan. Yes. Okay. I want to talk about the fact that his name is Brendan for a second. Because he's a 60-year-old man. Oh, wow. And the first Brendan, maybe. Yeah. Old Brendan, first of his name. Protector of the fucking realm.

SPEAKER_01 59:10

His mom was like, no, Brandon hangs on the syllables too long.

SPEAKER_02 59:14

Yeah, no. Uh his brother Merlin, the original one, from back in fucking Camelot, already had Merlin, so he was Brendan.

SPEAKER_01 59:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 59:24

I I was like, that's fucking embarrassing. Yeah, that's weird. Like, that is, bro, just say your name's Brandon. Fuck's sake. Like, even that's a little young still. Yeah. But man.

SPEAKER_01 59:36

A 60-year-old named Brendan or Brandon is weird. That is, that's odd.

SPEAKER_02 59:41

Yeah, it threw me for a loop. I couldn't stop thinking about it. And it may have distracted me because the reason that fuck you, this guy, right? So uh like you, oddly enough, software issues. Yeah. We uh we we're having some software issues, uh, and they crop up here and there, and the this particular company, we've been using their shit for like five years. And every time an issue comes up, we just go through the same process. We hit up their support team, tell, explain the issue, they get back to us usually within a day, and the ball gets rolling on resolving the issue. Sick. Lately, over like the past couple of months, it's gotten to the point where everything is all fucked up. We'll have an issue, go through the support channel, and throw a dart at the fucking wall if you're even gonna get a reply. And if we did get a reply, it was like a week later.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:48

Damn.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:48

And then on some of the issues, the person couldn't resolve it. So then they would say, Oh, we're gonna escalate the issue, someone else will reach out to you, never get reached it back out to. We hit them back up, they say the exact same thing. We have to escalate the issue, somebody, and it's just a cycle that would continue. And then there was ones where um they would say, uh we would call in to follow up on an issue, and they would say, Oh, well, the tech that's working on your issue is not here today. So um they'll we'll call you back later. Never happens, and it would happen repeatedly on the same issue. Like I would call and be like, Hey, I'm following up on this shit, like we need this resolved, and they'd be like, Well, the tech working on the thing isn't here today. And I'm just like, can nobody else work on it? Because like I'm tired of getting dicked around, right? So we've been had we've been having these issues and repeatedly, and stuff where I had tickets open for a month, two months on my end, yeah, right, right. And that is not fucking cool, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:01:56

No, that's gay as hell.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:58

So uh finally, uh on one of them that was especially irritating me. Um I called the support line, and uh, whoever answered, just some random guy. All these people are Indian, by the way. Oh, because we keep getting kicked down to the there's this company has support staff in the states, New York, to be I've met a lot of them anyway, um in person when at a fucking conference, but uh they you know they hired offshore to like save money and not have to hire a bunch of low-level support people in the states. So um I call and I'm like, hey man, like is there a supervisor that I can talk to or something, like somebody that's in charge of the support team? Because we're we've been having a lot of issues and we keep getting like nothing resolved. And he was like, they're not available. And I was like, What do you mean they're not available? Like, I want to talk to a supervisor, and he said, They're not here today, and I was like, that's where all of this culminated into like I'm very frustrated now because I keep fucking hearing that. Yeah, no one's available, no one's here. We'll call you back. We don't, so I'm getting I'm at the point where I'm fucking irritated, so I lost my temper a little bit. And he he said they're not here, and I was like, that doesn't make any fucking sense, man. How do you there's nobody there supervising you? So you guys are all just inmates running the asylum out there, just nobody's in charge, you're just fucking working. And he was like, uh, I can take your information and have her call you back. I was like, don't bother and hung up. That was the end of that. It's important that you know that that conversation took place because another week goes by and I'm like, I still have a ticket open from April 13th, and it need it's this particular location has basically been doing all of their calculations on a calculator rather than using the software that's supposed to do it all for you. A point of sale. They're adding up fucking stuff on a calculator and entering it in manually because the software's not working right. Crazy. For three fucking weeks.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:28

So crazy.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:29

I emailed uh one of my contacts at this company that doesn't work in support at all. He's like our onboarding manager. Like, whenever we would roll out a new piece of software, he would help along. So I emailed him because I know he'll actually fucking reply to me. And I'm like, hey man, we've been having a lot of issues with support. Is there anybody in-house in the states that is in charge of support that you can put me in contact with? And he was like, Yep, sorry to hear that. Here I've CC'd them to this email. It's two guys, Brendan and uh something Hispanic? No, fucking uh God damn it. Juan? No, Julio, not that, not that far Hispanic.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:19

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:20

It's middle of the road Hispanic. It's palatable Hispanic.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:26

Oh, okay. Accessible. Yeah. Uh accessible. Uh it's uh I don't know, man. It's uh I'm drawing a blanco. Elias. Oh, okay. Elias? Ilias. Oh.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:44

But Elias to us folk. Uh so it's yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:50

A C C them and uh that reads more Hispanic than it sounds, and you read it in the email.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:57

And then I I'm just putting it all together out. Sorry. And saw that he was Hispanic.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:05

I saw how he was uh like the picture perfect caramel colored skin, thin mustache. Yeah, a Spaniard definitely fucked a Mayan to make you. A guy who talks like these.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:20

Yeah. So that all gave it away.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:22

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:22

In my opinion. Well, he wasn't from Dorn.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:25

You said Hispanic, not Mexican, and I just I was so racist just a minute ago. That was crazy how we do. Ellis Island. Get with the times.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:36

Yeah, so I he CC'd them and I was like, all right, cool, thank you. Elias Island. I'm gonna continue. Nice. Very nice.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:44

Took me five seconds longer than it should have, but there you go.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:48

Yep, that was very good. Keep going.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:49

CC'd you on the email.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:51

Yeah, so I was like, cool, thanks. I'm gonna take this conversation over here so I don't bother you, blah, blah, blah. So then I go into an email with just Brendan, Elias, and then my team, and I wrote out a novel explaining all the issues.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:08

If you were on the phone, it would have sounded like my conversation.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:11

Yes. Nice. So I typed out all this shit that we've been dealing with, all the stuff I just described to you guys, getting, you know, passed off, net never getting callbacks, not getting putting in support requests, not hearing back at all, uh, sometimes, etc. I explained the whole thing. It's a fucking novel. And I was very fair and balanced, chill, like I wasn't, you know, like you guys suck or anything. Like I was just like, it's just like we need to figure something out. So they reply and they're like, all right, let's set up a meeting to talk about everything and get it all figured out. And I was like, all right, cool. So they scheduled a meeting, and uh right off the bat, I said on this day after 1 p.m. So they hit me back with the fucking meeting invite for 12 30. I don't I don't understand how that could be wrong, but it was. So already I'm a little annoyed because I just was like, fuck it, whatever, I want to get this figured out. So I left a thing early. Why I said after one, because I had a thing until one. Right. So I had to leave a thing to come to this. So I'm already a little annoyed.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:27

Right.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:28

And then uh I joined the meeting, and second annoyance, there's five fucking people there. Oh my god. All from their side. He's they've brought in the fucking cavalry. Finally. Why? I don't fucking know. And it's already annoying when you join a meeting and there's five fucking people from a different side with just you. It feels weird. Yeah. I didn't have anybody else there because it's my fucking problem. I'm the boss, I figure it out.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:58

It's like the evil cabal in Metallocalypse.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:02

Yeah, and I honestly, based on how I reacted to that phone call, I said fuck twice. Uh I was like, my guys don't need to see this. Because this is gonna be a fucking massacre.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:14

A bloodbath.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:15

Yeah. I knew it could be. I hoped it wouldn't have to be, but I knew it could be, and it fucking was.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:22

You're Goldberg, and they're the entire WCW.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:26

Yeah, exactly. I speared them. And Jack hammered him. Yeah. And I wore really tight fucking underwear that showed how big my wiener is. Yeah. Yeah, my dick. Big old big old Jew damn. And black knee pants, just in case. Uh and uh so right off the bat, they scheduled it weirdly, wrong time. Uh, five on one, not a fan. Meeting starts.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:55

Did you get meeting buckeyed at the end?

SPEAKER_02 1:09:57

I yeah, I did. I felt like Piper Perry. I changed my name in the chat. You know, you can change your display name. I changed it real quick. Lisa Ann. That's me. I'm getting over, I'm getting loads and loads. It's two, I think it was two dudes and uh three chicks. I don't know. One of them had their camera off. Oh, and that's the other thing. As soon as I joined them, they had they use a program I don't use very often, and I hadn't had to meet with any of them in a long time on this. So I uninstalled the program. It was just a waste of space, right? Go to meeting. So I had to reinstall it. I reinstalled it and joined the meeting. The first thing this fucking pecker head does, this 60-year-old Brendan. Uh-oh. I'm I'm setting up my shit because I downloaded it and joined the meeting, and then I'm like selecting my headphones and my microphone and all that shit. And he just immediately starts and he's like, Hey, uh, hey Tyler, how's it going? Blah, blah, blah. Do you have a camera? Don't fucking ask me that, first of all. Like, if I don't have my camera on, I it's because I don't wanna. Right. So don't fucking it it are it felt like big dick bullshit right off the bat. Bringing that many people, and then immediately being like, turn your camera on, you're not my fucking boss. Well, and the time of the meeting feels like big dick bullshit too. Again, again, yes. Also, don't tell me to fucking turn my camera on. You're not my boss.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:27

That's bullshit, dude.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:28

And I was like, hang on a minute. I just I just re-downloaded this, I'm fixing my stuff.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:34

So uh the meeting starts. So you were gonna do the camera, but you just hadn't yet. Well, when I got when I join a meeting and I see everybody else has it on, I just capitulate.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:43

Right, right.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:44

Um if there's a ton of people, I don't. Because I'm like, I'm just background noise. You're not they're not gonna see that I don't have mine on. But yeah, you know, it's a smaller meeting. So anyway, I I turn all my shit on and uh I'm like, all right, you know, what's up? And uh he starts introducing everybody, blah blah blah, and I'm like, whatever. I in one ear and out the other. I don't care who any of these people are.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:06

I don't need to remember.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:07

I don't I don't give a fuck who any of you are. All I care is that somebody here is in charge of the situation. So he starts it off and he you know introduces everybody and he's like, you know, basically like tell me the whatever problem, and I was like, Well, you know, I explained it pretty well in the email, so let's just start there. And he said something like he's like, We've got we we pulled all your tickets from since January, so we can look at those. And uh you know, we went through some of the email chains and stuff with what's been going on recently, and we pulled the support call that you mentioned in the uh in the email, uh, and immediately this fucking dickhead threatens me and says, Uh, if you'd like to, we can go ahead and take that WAV file and send it over to your boss. I'm sure he would love that. And I was like so taken aback by that. Because I was like, in my head, I'm going into this situation as a customer to the people that we are paying for a product. Surely they see that I'm upset that we're not getting the support that we expect. And I would expect like them to be like, We're sorry that you're having this issue, how can we fix it? Not this fucking bullshit. I was so taken aback, dude. I was just like, yeah, I'm sure she would get a good chuckle out of it, but uh, you know, obviously I was upset for a reason, so let's talk about it. And uh, you know, a lot of fucking finer detail bullshit, blah blah blah. They start talking, and this dude, the entire time we're having this back and forth for like the first 10 or 15 minutes, he's being very combative and argumentative with me. And it was like getting under my skin more and more, and it was driving me fucking nuts. And they're pulling up this spreadsheet with all these tickets on it, and they're like, it looks like all this stuff's been resolved, blah blah blah. And I was like, Yeah, well, part of the issue is that we're putting in requests and no tickets being created because we're not getting a fucking reply. So the spreadsheet's kind of irrelevant, right?

unknown 1:14:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:22

To at least a big portion of the issue that we've been having lately. And you pulled tickets all the way back to January when I said we've been having these problems lately. It's May. What are you talking about? So he's just getting more and more argumentative and and combative with me and shit. And every time I say something, he's like making movements with his, like throwing his hands up and like jerking his head back and shit. So I was like, literally, I said, Okay, can we just like pause the conversation here and just talk about something real quick and get it out of the way because it's starting to irritate me and explain everything that I just said, like I'm telling you guys that we're having this issue. It's only been lately. We've been a customer we've been a customer of you guys uh for like the last five years. I think it's pretty telling that uh this is the first time I've met any of you because we haven't had a whole lot of issues, and I'm just saying that we're having issues now and I want to get them resolved. But what I'm getting in return from you guys feels a lot like you're upset at me for having an issue, and Brendan, you specifically are being very combative and argumentative, and it's starting to piss me off. So, like Elias, he and I are having a good conversation. He's being pretty level-headed, and you keep throwing your hands up and acting like I need to defend myself. So, um, if you're gonna keep doing that, I would appreciate if you would just mute your mic and shut the fuck up and let me talk to Elias. That's pretty much verbatim what I said. I was getting real fucking heated. So, um I looked at the screen and uh I mean he basically didn't react. I think he knows that I'm right, and uh, you know, he's an older guy, he's been around the block. But all the other people were staring at the fucking camera with their jaws wide open like they'd never been talked to like that before. And I was like, dude, this is just this is just the way it is. I know how how I can talk to who I can talk to. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I know I'm in the right, I'm their customer, my boss 100% would back everything that I'm saying, so I know that I'm not stepping out of line.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:37

Right.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:37

And she doesn't care if I cuss.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:40

Especially to vendors that we pay money to. Right, yeah. So, um Hell yeah, dude. Trying to remember what happened next.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:51

So obviously the psychology of this is Brennan's department is slipping and he's getting on the defensive. He's on he's on his fucking his Achilles is burning up with how like hard he's on his heels right now. Yeah. And he's uh lashing out. He's getting bone spurs. He's lashing out at you over his department's inadequacies. Which have only been for a short period of time. So it's not really like his balls are to the fire where you're concerned. He shouldn't be treating you like that.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:23

No, I think that's crazy. I think he saw all the issues that I pointed out as like a personal attack on them. Right. And then he went and listened to that support call and heard me cuss and thought this guy's a fucking asshole, and he's just being a dick for no reason. Which, you know, by the end of the conversation, everything was pretty chill, and they they could see my side of things and they weren't, you know, whatever. And you know me, I had to like I can't I I don't like to be disliked. So I was like, you know, I you know, I don't like that I had the outbursts that I had earlier, and I promise you guys I'm normally a lot more charming than this, but uh, you know, it is what it is. I didn't apologize. Yeah, I was like, I it was a hundred percent justified. If you could see how much of a fucking prick this guy was acting like, oh, dude. I you know, and I told him I was like, dude, surely under different circumstances, I bet we would get along just fine. And maybe one day I'll go to a conference and you'll be there and we'll have a beer and bury the hatchet. But you know, I had to fucking tell you to chill out for a good reason.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:31

Yeah, so you could do the thing the meeting was for in the first place.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:38

Yeah, well, it turns out all the specific once I started bringing up specific instances, they looked into it and saw where they failed.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:46

Especially on the one that I was the most pissed about. The reason that we hadn't been getting any updates is because the fucking dude that was assigned the ticket reassigned it to a different department and didn't tell anybody. So the other in another thing is they started telling me, like, oh, when you have issues after updates, you have to reach out to the updates team. When you have issues after a new rollout, you have to reach out to the setup team. And I was like, Do you seriously expect me to memorize like 40 different dudes' email addresses? Oh, wait a minute, we just got an update recently, so I have to reach out to this guy. Oh, wait, no, it was an update after a rollout. Now who the fuck do I oh do I CC them both? Like your guy's job is to route the tickets. I run a fucking ticket platform too. I work in support.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:32

Whenever a ticket comes in and it's supposed to be assigned to somebody else, I assign it to them. Right. And I have notifications set up so they get notified when they've been assigned a ticket. And when they're not fucking responding to it, as the manager of that support system, I make them follow up. I follow up with them and say, hey, you haven't responded to this person in a month, a week, whatever. You need to reach out to them, make sure it's fucking handled. Because routing the tickets is on the support team.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:01

Not me. I'm not your fucking routing system. So maybe, you know, not to wax, I said not to wax poetic on inefficiencies or anything. I used a lot of big words in this thing. I forgot to mention this when I was, you know, I was uh calling Brendan out for being a dick. I said, can the fucking incredulity?

SPEAKER_00 1:20:23

What the hell?

SPEAKER_02 1:20:24

Where did that come from? I don't know, dude. I was like, he's acting so incredulous. This this shit throwing your hands up in the air and shit. Game of Thrones, I bet it was on.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:38

Can the incredulity lord command down? There you go. That's what we march on Winterfell. You heard it in a fucking English accent.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:44

Maybe. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:45

Middle middle earth accent.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:47

I just felt like can the fucking incredulity was a really cool thing to say to a guy.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:52

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:52

When you're uh when you're telling him to back the fuck down. I'm just not the one, dude.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:57

What a what a cunt though. Why was he, you know, I mean, it's it's like, dude, your co-workers are seeing you be an ass as well. Like, yeah, it's not just some guy you're never gonna have to really deal with.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:10

Yeah. He just he kept looking at old tickets and being like, it looks like this one was resolved, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, dude, you're just like trying to pick and choose shit to throw in my face. That's not what the call's about, dumbass. This isn't about you proving that you guys have resolved shit. I'm talking about the stuff that's not being done. Yeah. There's no ticket created for it because nobody fucking responded to our request. Damn. Anyway. Pieces of shit. Yeah, that that fucking sent me, dude. And I was laughing about it afterwards, but like during the time, you know, I hadn't had to like confront somebody in a while, and I got that like adrenaline buzz a little shaky from it, and I was like, I was hopping and skipping. Yeah. Uh steaming. I was that's what I was doing. Steaming. Yeah, dude. I fogged up my fucking webcam.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:58

Oh. How are you? Yeah. Which you would also do if you had a vibrator in your ass. Exactly. During the meeting. Imagine that meeting with a vibrator in your ass. Oh, dude. No, that would be rough.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:11

That would be impossible.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:12

Every time, every time Brendan's a cunt, your your asshole's on fire with pleasure.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:18

Oh man. Yeah, no, that would be uh basically impossible. But the important thing I think was from my point of view, which is like, sure, record the meeting and then threaten to send it my bot to my boss. She would fucking love it. She would love it. Right. But the important thing.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:34

It's so funny that he assumed he. Like he got knocked down a peg right then when you said she, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:42

Like oh dude, I'm like a fuck dude, I'm like a fucking hawk. When I see a weakness, I immediately jab a knife in it. That's a brain cap. Hawks don't fucking do that.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:57

I just assumed your thing made sense and just went and just kept going.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:01

Couldn't get over it. I couldn't get over the fact that I couldn't think of what the hawks do.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:07

They don't throw knives that I remember.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:09

No, I'm like a I'm like a fucking argument ninja. Okay. Yeah. I see a weakness. A little sigh. I fucking little teenage mutant ninja. Fuck you. Oh shit. Um at the no, my the important thing is at the end of it, I made it sound like I was apologetic and I left them laughing. So the uh the whole thing, the whole story that they tell around the water cooler isn't this guy was a fucking asshole and yelled at us and blah blah blah. I came across as I have an actual problem. You're just trying to fucking argue with me. Shut up. Yeah. Let me talk to this guy who's not trying to argue with me, who's actually trying to be productive and solve the issue. And at the end, I was like, you know, I I hate that this had to be like this, but I love you anyway. Leave smiling. And the story is this guy told Brendan to shut the fuck up. And it was awesome. Wow. That's that that's how I feel that they left that meeting. That's cool. Especially that one lady. I couldn't stop looking at her. She looked like a fucking toad, bro. Lisa, you look like a fucking toad, dude. Your fucking head is all stretched out sideways. What the hell? What kind of fucking pancake pussy did you fucking pour out of sideways, lady? Whoop.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:32

Oh man.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:33

There was a uh She came out the long way.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:37

Oh man, I'm not gonna be able to pull this out of my ass. But there you there was like a Goosebumps competitor when we were kids. And I cannot remember the name of it, but it was a goosebumps competitor.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:48

Goat bumps.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:49

And it was no, it had not it didn't it was like a different thing. But it but it was the it was like the same thing. It was like little books that were pretty short, but for like nine-year-olds, you know? And uh Goosebumps. But it was like that. Yeah, but it was uh it was there was a there's a phrase that has the word teacher in it, but it was creature, whatever. It was like uh whatever it was. It was the pun was creature or something. And the I remember hat for creature. I don't think it was that. What kind of magazine were you looking at, dude? It was like creature, it was like t I don't remember anyway. Uh but it had creature instead of teacher because sitting at the desk on the front cover was this very toad-esque lady. And I had that book, and you just reminded me that's what that's what Lisa looks like. I wish I had that on the shelf over here because that would have been a fucking top 10 moment for me to pull that out and you'd be like, that's exactly what she looked like.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:51

I I imagined uh like the thing I would compare her to from pop culture. Yeah, you know, uh you've seen Monsters Inc. Mm-hmm. You know the lady that's like 20 and one.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:04

Yeah, this bitch is kind of like that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:07

Yeah. That's what she kind of looked like. I'm sorry, Lisa. I'm sure you're a lovely lady, but here's what I also would I'll say is of all the people, two fucking out of the five talked at all. The other people stayed muted the whole time and just looked shocked when I was mean. I don't like to be mean. I do, actually. When it's when it's like righteousness. Yeah. I'm a little self-righteous. It's probably a flaw of mine.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:34

Creature's pet.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:35

Creatures pet. Nice. That's good. Yeah. Too hot for creature would be a fucking sick like cosplay porn magazine.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:45

I was gonna try to find the book real quick, but that's gonna take way too long.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:48

That's cool. No, don't do that. But yeah, uh just hey, everybody knows the mic. Off the mic. Everybody knows Monsters Inc. Just imagine the mic was yeah, that lady. And now they went down game. That bitch. Yeah. Wow. There's a speed racer outside. That guy just fucking burned the quarter mile. Yeah. Greased lightning, that feller. It's probably Italian too, so it's very apartment. Aperpo. He's looking up the book and I'm trying to vamp for him, but I'm so out of I'm so out of steam, and it's not. It's it's I'm the level of high where that I the fact that I'm just a little bit cold is bothering me a lot.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:30

You're a little cold, bro?

SPEAKER_02 1:27:32

Yeah. No. Which normally is fine, but I just I drink all that weed.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:37

It's not, it's not coming up.

unknown 1:27:39

Drank all that.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:40

I did. Sounds like a lie, but we did drink weed earlier. Yeah. I I'm feeling it. To just to go ahead and tell the the regular show listeners how how it's working.

SPEAKER_02 1:27:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:51

I'm feeling it, but it's not like I'm like super stoned. It's nice. It's like a nice, clean, general high. It's not, there's not anything. Like where I'm foggy or crazy, you know, a lot of cobwebs in the brain. It's not like that at all. It's it's nice.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:07

Yeah, I feel good. I feel good mentally. I'm just a little chilly.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:12

That's 68. It's not too bad.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:13

I also have to pee and I drink three beers as well.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:16

You're gonna get colder when you pee.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:18

Yeah. It's a fucking Wednesday and I'm partying like a goddamn teenager.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:22

Wetness day. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:24

But you know, whatever. Thank you for listening to the show.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:29

We have a Patreon.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:31

Do that. Go to that.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:32

If you don't mind, you know what's up. If you're already on the website, if you're on the internet if you have a browser open, if you have an internet browser open already, why not just type in patreon.com slash fartmouth and give me a dollar. Yeah, do it. This week, if you sign up, it's a pretty cool place. Every dollar you give just goes to me instead of Jake. But only for this month. Yeah um I only withdraw the money like every other month because I forget about it. Yeah. It makes it feel like more money that way, which is cool. It's like, oh yeah, look at that. Yeah. 500 bucks. Shit.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:09

Fucking hey, dude. Yeah, meanwhile, you've forgotten for four months or whatever it is.

SPEAKER_02 1:29:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:13

Yeah, it's like two.

SPEAKER_02 1:29:15

It's like two and a that's two and a half months worth of pay. Give us more. Just kidding. Or not. Uh you know, it's fine. Thank you for listening. Yeah, dude. You don't you get you don't get nothing in return. Right. You're giving us a dollar for more of this.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:28

You can watch me play video games too. I've been steady for five dollars. Yeah. That's cool. I've been steady putting shit on there week by week.

SPEAKER_02 1:29:36

Yeah, for ten bucks you can hear uh all about how Jake loses bowls. Yeah. And doesn't eat his broccoli. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:44

And now uh I'm perverted about some some stuff. Yeah. You you may or may not hear a child say curse words. True. As well. Yeah. Um if you're into that, it's on our Patreon. Yeah, do it. You can do it. Or don't do it. That's cool too. We still like you. And we we may never make new Patreon songs, but uh we'll be seen. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:30:10

You never know. I do a lot of weird stuff. I make a I change my mind about things like every other day. Uh what was uh there was one other thing I was gonna say. Fuck Fart Party Fart Party three Patreon the final the finale. Oh, leave a Spotify comment. Thank you, bye.