318 - Maserati of the Boondocks

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THE SPOOOOOKS

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

People don't really say cuckoo cache anymore. No, they do not. I think that's indicative of a deeper problem within our republic.

unknown 0:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 0:08

The following film is a production of the Farnett University Chip Chick and your Democratic Department. Thank you for listening.

SPEAKER_00 0:13

Where woke lines can find sleep, Fartnet University. Shannon Elizabeth OF is the new scary movie, Farkness University. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 0:27

Yeah, roll that up in a blunt and smokey it. Welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast, a show whose host assholes are a lot like the Strait of Hormoes, backed up and oozing with dark fluids. Just me. Nice. No, just you. Bloated and uh congested. Yeah. Yours is more like. Yeah, yeah. Every week we do a few rotating segments and make each other laugh. I'm Jake. And we're gonna get right on into our only segment of the week. Yeah. Because we change it up every once in a while. We like to keep you on your toes, kids. Like to keep you guessing. Is dad gonna show up for Christmas? Probably fucking not. He's an alcoholic. So yeah, we're gonna do a segment. Do that in the old natural fade. Look at that dude. Fucking mixing it like a goddamn DJ live. Jeez Louise. DJ Tyler. Yeah, you don't deserve me. Yeah, we got a couple, we got a few stories for you. Jake's got two. I got one.

SPEAKER_02 1:45

We're gonna fucking we're gonna cook up some local chef for you. After I'm done reading mine, uh, you guys are gonna go, damn son, where'd you find this? Oh yeah. Yeah. Trying to think of DJ. What's his name?

SPEAKER_04 2:00

Uh they had that fucking thing with uh McLovin. Yeah, right, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's like, hot track coming at you.

SPEAKER_02 2:08

Yeah, yeah. Christopher, French name. LaCroix. Mince some some something or other. Uh yeah. So I got I got two from our buddy local chef. Um hot off the presses, eh? And they're both they're both about they're both about animals, I'll say. I don't want to ruin it.

SPEAKER_04 2:28

I think he writes these in notes on his iPhone, or is he? I have no idea. Microsoft Webb.

SPEAKER_02 2:33

There's definitely not a spell checker. I know that. There's definitely no red squiggly lines under these motherfuckers. Or his whole shit would just be like it would just be one big red squiggle, his entire fucking story.

SPEAKER_04 2:47

Those are just suggestions.

SPEAKER_02 2:48

Yeah, they they don't know. I killed a cat. And it's flared body horror. Oh shit. Look. I okay, I guess black voice. Sorry, guys. I gotta remember. I gotta I gotta take a swig of the old green tea real quick before we get into this before we get into this fucking feline death story. I guess we'll all just pretend it's a 40. Sure. I gotta get a drink of my beverage real quick. Gotta get them lips puckered up real nice.

SPEAKER_04 3:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:23

Look, I know that the title makes me look like a bad person. I know. But please let me explain myself. I was working at my job, a cafe in the middle of town where I live. There's a lot of farms, and the farmers use cats to hunt mouses and so on. I'm thinking maybe not a black guy, to be honest.

SPEAKER_04 3:45

Works at a cafe, lives in a farm town.

SPEAKER_02 3:48

Yeah, he'd have been strung up by now. The juxtaposition kind of works though. I mean, I guess. For humor's sake. For humor's sake. Yeah. I mean, he does say use cats to hunt mouses and so on. I was washing the dishes when I needed a smoke break, most because of the customers.

SPEAKER_04 4:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:07

God, Newports, if you ask it. Yeah. Sometimes coolers. God, you don't understand how fucking annoying they were that day. So when I finished, I went over to my co-worker, Jake. That's actually. Yeah, you get to be you now. Hey, I'm going to take a smoke break. Hey, Leroy, I'm going to go smoke some Marlboro smooths. He doesn't know how to he doesn't know how to quote shit, so I thought that was Jake's quote. That's his quote, actually. Oh, okay. Cool. That's narrator's quote. I'm gonna go take a smoke break. Jake looked at me with a concerning face and put his hand on my shoulder. Always concerned about something, this fucking guy. Yeah, yeah, I am. Yeah. Yo, you good? Oh, wait, I'm Jake now. Yo, you good? You've you've been acting weird the whole day. Men, you look like you about to kill someone. I looked at Jake. I think the roles are reversed from how I'm doing them, but it's fine. It'll work. Jake is a wigger. Jake is me. Jake is me at 14. Uh Jake's and Crosby. Yeah. Uh I looked at Jake. He's right. I have been mad the whole day. So I smiled and said, I'm fine. Just mad at the customers. He spells customers C-U-S T. By the way. Wait, C-U-S-T-U-M-E-R. Customers. Customers. Yeah, sorry. I fucked the you up there myself. Reading this, it makes you dumber. I'm fine. Just mad at the way. Just mad at the customers. You know how it is. Jake chuckled. Yeah, I understand. Go take that smoke break. If you need anything, tell me, alright? I just nodded and walked to the back door. I opened it and leaned again again against the wall, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. I took some puffs. I took out a Lucy. I took a square out my pocket. Uh I took some puffs looking around. I remember when a homeless guy jumped the fence. And when he noticed me, mouth slightly open, asked, Miss, can I have one? Miss. Me being me, I slowly crouched to pick up a brick. And when he saw me doing so, he quickly jumped back to the other side. I didn't realize this was a big thing. Get out of here, you filthy fucking. No indication this is a woman until the the store the unnecessary story we don't need calls her miss. The guy in that story calls her miss. And she's a fucking brick chuckin' racist. Yeah. While I was laughing to myself, the light above the door started to flicker, and then classes. And then dot dot dot light goes out. I sigh, becoming annoyed again. Then I hear a sound left of me where the trash bins are. I jumped a little. Then I felt something next to my leg. Not thinking, I started to stomp on it. It only made muse sounds. So it it play it uh it played uh God damn it, god damn it. What's a muse song? I can't think of one either. I can't think of one either. Revolution, is it that one? God damn it. It's always big words. I always I always go to cold play. Oh, so when you stomped when you st when I stomped on it, it started saying it was my plug-in baby. I didn't understand. Um that's white people music. Um okay, sorry. It only made musy sounds. Then the light came back on. Ready to see a dead rat and its blood on my new heels, I looked down, my eyes wide, as it wasn't a rat, but a black cat.

SPEAKER_04 7:56

I'm just picturing a fucking like beefy black dude with an afro and a pick in it, wearing high heels at this fucking diner. This bumpkin ass diner.

SPEAKER_02 8:07

What was that? What was that uh trans black dude that was or black woman? Sorry. Sorry, everyone, sorry. That that was uh that was uh running for some local office or something and had a rap video that we talked about.

SPEAKER_04 8:21

I know what you're talking about. I can't remember that.

SPEAKER_02 8:23

I'm picturing that.

SPEAKER_04 8:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:24

Okay, so uh Atlanta, I think maybe.

SPEAKER_02 8:28

No, no, no, I crouched down trying to see if the cat can be saved, but I crushed its head so much that it was just a gory mess. Jesus Christ. Panking, I think they mean panicking, no paning, knowing this could be someone's cat. I just said, fuck it, and took the cat by its tail, went to the bins, opened one, and throw the cat inside. Jesus Christ. When someone finds it, they will think it was the homeless guy or something.

SPEAKER_05 8:58

I'm gonna bring the fucking homeless man.

SPEAKER_04 9:03

This is fucking so unhidden.

SPEAKER_02 9:06

It's crazy. Then remembering about the crust.

SPEAKER_04 9:08

I felt something on my leg, so I immediately started stomping it to death is so fucking nuts. I know, I know. Whose reaction is that?

SPEAKER_02 9:16

I know.

SPEAKER_04 9:18

Don't let this bitch have pets. Jesus fucking Christ. Then remember I thought a raccoon got in my house, so I stomped my dog to death. What the fuck, dude?

SPEAKER_02 9:29

Then remembering about the crushed head still where I stomped on it, I pulled out some napkins and started to pick up the remains. Yeah, I started flecking brain matter off my fucking high heels. I tried my best not to vomit. I picked it up and throw it at throw it to the bins. Which with the rest of the napkins, I cleaned my heels and walked back into the cafe. When I entered, I looked around to see if no one was spying on me and sighed when I confirmed that it was clear. I walked over to Jake, who was washing the last bit of dishes, and I said to him with my voice slightly high, You can go home. I'll clean up the rest. I said, while well, you didn't have to say that because you already attributed while while I slightly pushing him with my body to the side. Hey no, I wanna help. He pushed me slightly with his body, making me a little shocked. And past these f Wait. Yeah, who's the attribution? Oh, this is this is Jake. And past these few days they mean these past few days, you've been cleaning and others don't do shit. Look, Rose. This black guy's named Rose. I don't want to be like the others and take advantage of your kindness. You can go home and I'll clean up for you. I looked at Jake, my mouth slightly opened, as my chest feeling full like I couldn't. I smiled and said, Thank you, Jake. I can just go home and clean myself up. Jake smiled. I mean he d that's not in quotes, he said that, but it's like he's thinking that, I guess. Jake smiled and went back to cleaning. And without thinking, I kissed Jake on the cheek. I could see Jake having a smirk on his face. I quickly ran off while I said, Thank you, Jake.

SPEAKER_04 11:15

And then I peeked back in the window and saw him scrubbing his face with a brillo pan. Trying to get the black off him.

SPEAKER_02 11:23

While I was while I was walking home, the only light was the street lights, the sounds of my heels touching the pavement. I was that's not a sentence. Neither did you treat it as one, to be fair, local chef. I was looking through my proofs for my cigarettes when I finally found them. I stopped walking and pulled one out and a lighter. And when I was lighting the cigarette, I looked forward when I saw it. It was on its fours. All I could see was its figure tet figure tall, full of foot fur and big ears. It was far away from me, but even though I couldn't see its face, I knew it was looking at me right into my eyes. Then I then it started meowing. Well, tried to. It was like its mouth was damaged. Even though you could hear a meow, then it hissed. Well, while it did, something fell out of its mouth and it ran off. Oh no. I stood there for like five minutes. I felt something running down my leg. Imagine standing in the middle of the street. For five minutes.

SPEAKER_04 12:30

Five fucking minutes.

SPEAKER_02 12:31

Just with a lit cigarette that goes.

SPEAKER_04 12:40

Jesus fucking Christ.

SPEAKER_02 12:42

This must be a really small town. Only two motherfuckers got a car and they're asleep. Fucking Amish horse and buggy trotted by. Yeah, yeah. I felt something running down my leg, even though I didn't care. I slowly walked over to where it was standing and looked down. What he hissed out, it was a piece of jawbone. I ran home looking back every few seconds. When I got to my door, I dropped my keys because I was pinking, thinking it was behind it was behind me. When I finally got the door open, door two open, I went inside and closed the door. I was breathing heavy. When I started crying out of fear, I laid down in front of the door and cried myself to sleep. Oh my god. When I woke up, the floor beneath me was wet. I sat up and checked my phone. Five missed calls from Jake. I can't bear going to work. I stood up and walked over to my bathroom. I looked at my mirror looking at myself. I looked disgusted.

SPEAKER_04 13:45

Can we please have an explanation as to why the floor was wet?

SPEAKER_02 13:48

I got ready to take a shower. That's cool. No, I think from the crying, I would imagine.

SPEAKER_04 13:52

I guess that's fucking after I was done.

SPEAKER_02 13:54

I was laying in my bed trying to think in what the fuck that was. While I was thinking, there was a knock on my door. My eyes widened, thinking the worst. Then I heard, then I heared. Hey Rose, you okay? It was Jake. I get off my bed. I grab a sick took that cheek kiss a little too fucking seriously, bud. I grab a syringe just to be safe. What the fuck? While I walk, I feel weird. Like nothing is real. When I got to the door, stepping into the wet floor, I opened the door. Jake was standing there looking happy that he sees me. There you are. Are you okay? You haven't been at work today, and you never missed a day shift and a night shift. He laughed. I'm okay. I just don't feel well, that's all. I look at him with the baggy eyes. Hey, baggy eyes, by the way. Uh well, can I come in? You seem like you need some company. Jake smiled. I just nodded. Now this motherfucker phoned in the uh like even trying to make paragraphs out of the rest of it.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

No, he stopped trying, that's right. Just so you know.

SPEAKER_02 15:09

Okay. So this is where it's gonna get like uh uh dicey. Okay. I just nodded. Oh now it's gonna get dicey. Yeah, gotcha. I just nodded and let him inside. When he came in the when he came in, he noticed the wet floor and the smell. He seemed concerned. That's piss. You pissed yourself. Yeah, right. The fuck, man. And not disgusted. Hey Rose, he said while he followed me into the living room. Have you forgot to? Before he could finish his sentence, I pulled him into a kiss. It made him forget as we both started to get into it. While I was about to unzip his pants, I felt a hand on my shoulder, and before I could react, I was thrown into the wall. And when I hit the floor and looked up, I seen that cat creature thing grabbing Jake by his shirt. It stabbed Jake with my syringe that I dropped as it started to eat.

SPEAKER_04 16:03

You remember earlier when I dropped it? Oh, and I didn't say that. No, we're cool. You're cool, cool.

SPEAKER_02 16:08

The sounds of that beast eating was awful. Jake couldn't move as I could hear his muffled screams. Stop! Please, stop! I screamed with tears- Oh, sorry. I I thought that was Jake. I screamed with tears running down. I tried to stand up, but it kicked my face with its long leg. I stayed down crying, just begging while the awful sounds of it eating continues. Please, stop! I will give you anything. Just stop, please. Kibble, maybe even. It ignored me. As it finished, it dropped Jake's body, his face gone, and left with a massive hole. His brain fell out. The beast walked over to me, seeing its awful face scared me. Its face was a cat face, but its eyes were human and small, with its mouth broken and its jaw hanging off. How the fuck did it eat the dude's face then? It meowed while it did so. Blood from its mouth spit on my face, and it ran off on its fours through the open window. You can just say it ran. On all fours pertains to bipedal creatures, brother. Okay. Uh goddammit. That's that saying on all fours, and not even saying all fours, god damn it. Yeah, I crawled towards Jake's dead body. No, Jake, no. I cried as I hugged Jake's body. I closed my eyes. We was just about to fuck. I added that part. Okay. When I woke up, it was night. I stood up and grabbed Jake's shirt and started to drag him into the bedroom and into the bed. Shh, you will be okay. What the fuck? I grunted while I put him into my bed. I know it hurts. I will give you some meds. Okay, baby. I smiled, running my hand through throw his hair. I walked over to the bathroom. I looked at the mirror. I had to take his fucking hat off. My face full of blood. I need a bath. Maybe Jake wants one also. I looked for some meds. What you think, Jake? Want a bath with me? Dude, this sexy boy? Sexy boy? It's a lot more threatening when you think it's a big black guy that's saying all this.

SPEAKER_03 18:21

You want a bath?

SPEAKER_02 18:22

What you think, Jake?

SPEAKER_03 18:23

You want a bath with me?

SPEAKER_02 18:25

Like Ving Rames and stuff fucking. I blushed while I found some meds. As I walked, I stepped on the wet floor with my bare feet. Did you piss everywhere? I need to clean the house as I walked into the bedroom. You're litter box, bitch. You think so, Jake? I walked over and pulled out all the meds and poured them into Jake's mouth. There you go, Jake. You feel any better? I said while I rubbed his chest.

SPEAKER_04 18:49

What the fuck is happening?

SPEAKER_02 18:51

I smiled and laid next to him and put the covers over us. What happened to the shower? Good night, Jake. While I was closing my eyes, I seen the creature standing over the bed. But I didn't care. It's only a little bit left. I woke up by the sounds of knocks on the front door. I touched around and noticed Jake wasn't in my bed. I sat up and rubbed my face and said, Comin'. I stood up and walked over to the front door, but I seen the Jake sitting on the couch watching TV. How long you been watching? I laughed and walked to the door. Who is it? Then a very tough voice was behind the door. Hi, Rose. Hi, Rose. This is Sean, the police officer. I came because you and Jake haven't been to work for five days. And I went to Jake's house and he wasn't there. Might you know where he is? I looked at Jake. Jake looking at me. Yeah, Jake is here. We are on our honeymood. Honeymood. You were married? Hey, let me in. How about that? Jack is facing the TV. He switched his name.

SPEAKER_05 20:09

Jack the fuck!

SPEAKER_02 20:11

It's Jack now, dude. He is literally the snack. He is. He's the cat snack, man.

SPEAKER_04 20:16

Jack the fucking snack.

SPEAKER_02 20:17

He almost got two cats in one night, but she fell asleep before they could take a shower.

SPEAKER_04 20:22

She pissed all over the fucking bathroom floor.

SPEAKER_02 20:25

Jack is facing the TV. And no. We're alright. Rose, let me in, okay? I have to check if everything is alright. And if you took your Na, thank you. We don't want you here. I interrupting him and also kicked the door. Hey Rose, please calm down. I don't want to kick the door down. Sean sounded serious.

SPEAKER_04 20:50

Kicking match.

SPEAKER_02 20:52

I took steps back and went to Jake. Come, Jake, let's go. They want to take us apart. Jake continued. Jake continued looking at the TV. Okay, fine. I hope you promise we will see each other again. Sean started to kick the door, so I went to the back door and went down into the crawl space under my house and crawled where the living room is. When I heard Sean kick the door down, Rose, Jake, I heard steps into the living room and then, oh my fucking God. And I hear Sean calling for backup. But for what? I hear Sean looking around the house saying, Rose, where are you? Rose? More steps. Sean's voice sounding sad. Why, Rose? Mm-hmm. So there never well, that's the end of the story, but I'm I'm gonna say my what what I think. Mm-hmm. So there never was a cat.

SPEAKER_04 21:48

There was never even a cat at all. That cat don't exist. Jesus fucking Christ.

SPEAKER_02 21:53

Yeah, what a fucking insane story.

SPEAKER_04 21:55

Wow, man. My favorite part is when you can tell he gets real Excited at the climax and everything just fucking multiple dude.

SPEAKER_02 22:04

No fucking sentence structure to be had. The quotes are all over the place. Oh my god, dude. The officer doesn't have a last name.

SPEAKER_04 22:13

It is not John, the police officer.

SPEAKER_02 22:15

They go by the last name. Like every cop in every movie you've ever seen goes by his last name. Brooklyn 99. Every motherfucker goes by their last name. Murtaugh, Riggs, Bro, like McLean. All the other cops call him McLean except for his close friends and his wife call him John. Like Detective McLean. Officer. Dude, what the fuck? What like just consume some of the media and pick up some things from it, local chef? Before you make your thing. Like, it's not like the beats of the story are completely unlike horror stories you've heard. He's clearly taken in the medium to some extent, but like, come on, bro. We want you I want the best for you, local chef. I do. Okay, sorry, it's your turn.

SPEAKER_04 23:09

No, that was uh that was a lot. Man. And we got another animal story. I just I can't even dive into it because there's so much. I know, dude. Like the cat. Why you stomped a cat's skull, so now the monster cat ate your front your coworker's face. Well, she's schizophrenic, evidently. Yeah, that's why she's pissing all over the place. Oh my god, bro. She fucking pissed all over the floor.

SPEAKER_02 23:34

You know? Hey. She didn't hallucinate Jake, obviously, because his body isn't is by the TV. But she's Well, Officer Sean confirmed that for us. True, but but we're not, but like I mean, I'd have to go back through it to know what all she did, like what all you know occurred.

SPEAKER_04 23:54

I mean what a lovable character. I stomped on a fucking cat and threw a brick at a homeless man and then tried to frame him for the cat thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. So rad. Yeah. Oh, Rose, I don't want to marry you. Can we be on our honeymood soon, please? Forgot about honeymoon. So good. What a story. All right. Well, I I got one for you, fellas and fillettes. Uh this one is uh as teased last week. Uh oh, it stopped, by the way. I paused it. Oh, okay. This uh this story is called Let me fucking regather myself. I gotta get myself into I'm about to read a story mode. I gotta get the giggles out. What you looking for, dog?

SPEAKER_02 24:45

Okay. Don't worry about it. I was looking for my vape.

SPEAKER_04 24:48

I worried about it for a second, then I don't know where it is, so it's fine. Alright. Okay. The title of this story is There's No Detention at My High School. Instead, they send you to the Wasp Room.

SPEAKER_01 25:03

I think I saw this title.

SPEAKER_02 25:06

I'm excited.

SPEAKER_01 25:07

I'm excited too.

SPEAKER_04 25:08

I gotta get the fucking sound right.

SPEAKER_02 25:10

They send you to the Wasp Room.

SPEAKER_04 25:13

They're gonna sting you. That's probably fine. Alright. I was still relatively new. We'd only moved here a month before, and I'd only been enrolled in the school for about a week. It's a rural place on the west coast. They got those? Yeah, they do.

SPEAKER_01 25:33

Northern California. Yeah, Redwoods and all that.

SPEAKER_03 25:37

Fuck!

SPEAKER_04 25:38

Hang on. Hang on, I'll get the levels right. Still a little too high. We'll get there, boys. Good enough, good enough. Hey, that's fine. We're good.

SPEAKER_02 25:48

Rural California. Rural West Coast.

SPEAKER_04 25:51

Uh and there aren't even that many kids. A few hundred or so. They were friendly enough. Some douchebags, but you know how it is. It could have been worse. It was the teachers that made me nervous. The dread I felt when the morning bell rang, the unease radiating steadily and perpetually off of my classmates at all hours of the school day. It was more than just regular high school stuff. I could feel it. I just couldn't explain it. And it didn't make sense either. The teachers actually seemed kinda nice. It's all caps. Friendly, even. None of the kids got in any real trouble. No one got scented attention. So, one day, I asked my desk neighbor to explain it to me before the class even started. To my surprise, however, she hushed me, glanced at the door, and then told me in a quick, quiet tone about the Wasp Room. I laughed it off at first. It sounded like a dumb joke, but she didn't laugh with me. She just stared at me, pale faced and lips tight. And that was the end of it. The interaction was brief, but it stuck with me. The Wasp Room? What the fuck was that? Was it an acronym, maybe? WASP? Perhaps it was a nickname that the kids had come up with. Maybe it simply was a detention, but everybody was really, really scared of it? I didn't understand. I started hearing about it more often after that, though. I started noticing it in conversation. Ever heard of the Bader Meinhof phenomenon? Fucking no, dude. Please explain. It's when you get told something for supposedly the first time, and then you start seeing hearing yeah, I know that one. That's fair. That's what the wasp room was like for me. I heard its name whispered by the lockers, muttered behind hands at recess. It's it started freaking me the hell out. I looked for a wasp room sign on the doors in the corridors for a hint. Yeah, well, they don't exactly label Nazi death camp doors. Nazi death camp. Uh for a hint, a clue as to what it could possibly be, but I saw nothing.

SPEAKER_02 27:59

Speaking of them, is that what the wasp room is? White Anglo-Saxon Protestant room? You know what I mean? Yeah. It's just got a bunch of white nationalist uh propaganda all over the walls.

SPEAKER_04 28:09

Yeah, I think so. Maybe, yeah. They it's brainwashing, is what it is, yeah. A punishment worse than any sting. Uh it wasn't until the end of the second week that I had my first real experience with the wasp room's power. Whoa.

SPEAKER_02 28:25

Little wasp power? This is like evil Matilda.

SPEAKER_04 28:28

Maybe. We were waiting for our history teacher to arrive. It was unlike her to be late, so the kids were making use of the bonus free time, chatting amongst themselves, messing around just a little, but generally keeping calm. All except for one guy on the other side of the room. He had a bottle of water, half cracked open, and was shooting blasts of spray over the kids in front of him. Cut it out, man! The kid called back to him, frustrated, but the assailant did not. He just laughed and did it again. The kids around him were urging him to stop now too. Quit it, Mark, before she comes back, they urged him desperately. Some even reached out to try and take the bottle from his hands, but he kept on spraying. And then the kids all or uh all the k well he kept on spraying, and then the kids around all stopped attempt to intervene at once. Right, so that wasn't me, that was him. It was hard to read. They were silenced immediately with their hands on their their desks and their heads faced toward faced forwards as the classroom door swung open. And in she walked, our history teacher, witness to one final blast of cold water over the back of our kid's neck that the kid's neck. Fuck. I saw the expression on Mark's face change completely. Terror replacing the lazy arrogance, his taunting smile gone in an instant. We're a little we're being a little bit fucking gratuitous.

SPEAKER_02 29:56

Yeah, a little much. A little flowery.

SPEAKER_04 29:58

He fumbled with the bottle and it dropped loudly on the floor, and it leaked as it rolled around into the leg of his desk. There was silence, and our teacher slowly shook her head. Bullying will not be tolerated, Mark, she said quietly. I didn't know it was quietly until the sentence. At least she didn't yell. Please, he said suddenly, panic rising at the edges of a voice his voice. Please, Mrs. Vyers, please don't send me to the room. Please She took a step closer, and her shadow had was cast large against the wall behind her. Her eyes flashed and the temperature in the room dropped like a stone. Mark, I have no choice. You know the punishment. You are to go to the wasp room at once. No, he screamed, and I jumped in alarm, staring as he fell to his knees on the floor. He clasped together his hands. Please, please no! If you are set upon causing a scene, Mark, you mean this bitch. I would have fucking hit her just for talking like this.

SPEAKER_03 31:06

If you are set upon causing a scene, Mark, you know the consequences. I suggest you take yourself to the room at once, and with no more of this nonsense, Mrs.

SPEAKER_04 31:17

Vyers replied. Miss Snape. Yeah, no shit. To my surprise, Mark's victim himself actually came to the boy's defense. He tried to speak out in support of him to say that it was honestly no big deal, but with a quick, stern look from the teacher and an outstretched finger, he was compelled to silence. And Mark would not go. He continued to scream and beg. I looked around the room. No one else was even reacting. This is a lot of like extra shit.

SPEAKER_02 31:45

Yeah, it is.

SPEAKER_04 31:46

Um no one seemed to be doing a thing but staring straight ahead. My heart was beating like I'd never expected it to, especially not here in a school. But Mark would not stop, and eventually two men in gray strode calmly through the classroom door, grabbed the screaming boy by his arms, and dragged him swiftly from the room and down the corridor till he could be heard no more. Ah, just a little sip of beverage. My hands were white against the desk. I was so fucking scared. But then Mrs. Viers smiled, and she just went on with the class, as if nothing had happened. I sat there in shock, barely able to focus, and making my notes with a pen held in trembling fingers. And I couldn't take it anymore. This was some silly game or an in-joke. There was this was something terrifyingly real. This wasn't my fucked up. So that afternoon on the bus home, I asked one of my classmates about it. I asked for the truth. Quiet! She hissed at me. We were sat near the back and she shot a paranoid glance down the bus and over the seats, beckoning me closer. She hesitated and then she whispered something into the ear of the boy next to her. Yeah, he replied. She should know. She needs to actually This is again Forty fucking minutes into the story, we find out the main character's a girl. Yeah. Kind of annoying.

unknown 33:13

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 33:14

Take my phone. How do we always pick the same shit?

SPEAKER_04 33:17

I know, right? And mine's a local chef every time, and somehow it matches yours. The titles really capture me, and I I scroll through real quick and I look for buzzwords, and I think all the buzzwords are buzzwords are at the end. Quiet, she has to me uh whispered something. Yeah, she should know. She needs to, actually, for her sake. So we spoke in whispers at the back of the bus, and they were and they anxiously told me the tale of the wasp room. It was as the name suggested, they told me. That's how kids talk. It is as the name suggests, actually. It's what it sounds like. I'm gonna beat you up, you fucking queer. Why are you talking like that?

unknown 33:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 33:59

The kids who misbehave are dragged down through the darkened corridors to a door at the end of the hall. You can hear the buzzing from there, they say. You can hear it grow. The drone of perpetual malice behind the final door. They throw you in and keep you there for however long they decide until you've learned your lesson, and then they just let you out. No way, I replied. You can't be serious. There's just no way. So wasps then? You're telling me that the school has a room just full of wasps? Yeah, that's what we're fucking telling you, retarded bitch. We've been saying it for like fucking five days now. Jesus. It's in the title. Yeah. The kids looked at each other, but did not laugh. They did not break into joke. They just regarded me solemnly. The boy leaned forward. Have you heard the story of Dan Martinez? I heard he got I heard he didn't get drafted, actually. I heard he didn't get drafted by any teams, and now he's placed for the fucking Ravens. I shook my head. The rain beat down against the bus window, grey and relentless. They say he was the uh the first kid to ever get given an after-school stay in the wasp room. They say he kicked and struggled and fought the entire way down the corridor. Apparently you can still see some of the scuffs and dents he made in the paint on the walls. All the the grey guys can't fucking pull out a bucket of paint.

SPEAKER_02 35:25

They're on the sides. How is he that close to the wall?

SPEAKER_04 35:28

Yeah. The boy swallowed. None of the kids who come out ever want to talk about it. Well, what about Dan Martinez himself? I asked. Can you just ask him? That's the thing, the boy went on. This was the first ever after school session. With every throne punch and kick he extended his time. Apparently they just well, forgot about him. Forgot he was even there. And he was so there's a lot of fucking dot dot dots, man. Chill out with that. Wow. And he was so afraid. So afraid of the wasps. Yeah. Kind of fucking scary. I realized my throat had gone dry. It was almost like I was there in that corridor listening to the drone and buzz beyond the door. And then and when they remembered the next morning, the boy finished, it was too late. He was dead. He'd been stung so many times at the first that at first they didn't even recognize his body. Dog. I think they were like, I wonder if that lump of mass on the floor is the boy we threw in there. Nah.

SPEAKER_02 36:34

That's just meat for the wild. Is that the gringo we brought in here earlier?

SPEAKER_04 36:38

Yeah. Uh or yesterday, I mean. Next morning he was dead, they didn't recognize his body. Apparently, all the teachers pretended that he just moved away. He shrugged, but that's not how the story goes. Not the way the kids tell it. I thought about the stories I was told on the bus all night long. I couldn't get the images out of my head. And when I slept, my dreams were of Dan Martinez. His ruined corpse trying to warn me from beyond the grave. Motherfucker got deported from life, dude.

SPEAKER_02 37:13

He got deported from his mortal coil.

SPEAKER_04 37:16

Yeah, don't worry about ice dog. You gotta worry about wasp. It's a whole new unit. Cages. How about rooms full of bugs, dude?

SPEAKER_02 37:27

That's basically every detention center is just a wasp room.

SPEAKER_04 37:31

Yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_02 37:32

Just a bunch of bugs in there and no food.

SPEAKER_04 37:35

Yeah. As the sound of the wasps grew louder and louder. That's because it was a dream, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. School the next morning was like an out-of-the-body experience. I could barely think straight at all. I was so scared, so terrified of stepping out of line. So it's working, actually. Yeah, fuck Matilda, dude. Um the teachers must have picked up on my change of mood. But they didn't say anything.

SPEAKER_02 38:06

Okay, my god, dude. The effectiveness of the strategy never never dawned on me. And it slow rolled onto my brain after you said it and kept reading. I was like, God damn, it is effective though. Yeah. You gotta admit, there could just not be a wasp room. I was gonna say, you don't even need a wasp room.

SPEAKER_04 38:24

You need the rumor of a wasp room.

SPEAKER_02 38:27

And I mean, sure, kids are gonna come back and be like, nah, there's not a wasp room. They just took me to a random room.

SPEAKER_04 38:32

Yeah, and then you just me sit and you just do anything. You just wait for a kid to move away. Yeah. You find out, oh, Jimmy's dropped Jimmy's Jimmy's changing school. It's Friday's his last day. Yeah. Just drag him down the hall and be like, hey man, we we're just trying to keep this thing going.

SPEAKER_02 38:45

So just you know, get the fuck out of here. Hey, if you don't, hey, if you don't tell anyone, if you sign this NDA about the waspworm, phones in the bags, kid. This won't go on your public record.

SPEAKER_04 38:56

Yeah, we got the deezer bags for this show. Or whatever the fuck they're called. I can't remember.

SPEAKER_02 39:02

Yeah, the yeah, I don't remember either, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 39:04

Uh they didn't say a damn thing, so I kept my head down and I did my best. At least I did until the commotion in the cafeteria that lunch. A sudden clatter of tray and splatter of food set the whole hall to silent. There was a gentle rustle of shirts and jackets, and everyone turned at once to see the source of the commotion. I didn't have to. I was stood right next to it. The girl from the bus had just stumbled into a teacher and knocked his lunch to the ground. A miserable old science teacher by the name of Mr. Pride. We made eye contact. We're at the halfway point, by the way. Oh fuck. We made eye contact, and I had never seen such genuine fear. I could see tears forming in her eyes, and the teacher burst into a sudden rage. He swiveled to look at her, face red and bellowed, Watch where you're going, you silly girl. I'd never seen a teacher shout at the school before, which made the experience all the more frightening. I'll bet you did this on purpose, didn't you, eh? Answer me. No, sir, she sputtered back. Uh she was flushed with embarrassment, shaking and scared. The wasp room, he shouted at her. Now her eyes went wide and white. Her own tray dropped to the floor as she clasped together her hands. It was all happening so fast. She began to beg. No, sir, please, please don't send me to the room. I And I began to panic. She was losing it. She was gonna do the same thing as Mark had done yesterday. Fucking hey, man. Just get to the fucking point. She was going to make it ten times worse. She was gonna be dragged there by force. What if she kicked up as much of a fuss as Dan Martinez? What if they threw her in overnight too? What if they forgot about her like they forgot about him? I couldn't let that happen. So I gathered my courage, you fucking retarded bitch. And I stepped forward. I came up with a quick plan, one that might just work. The girl and I looked similar. Similar hair, similar build. And I cleared my throat. Excuse me, sir, Mr. Ride? He spun and turned to me with disdain. What do you want? I uh it wasn't her who knocked over your tray. It was me. What are you talking about, you silly girl? I overuse because I'm a pervert. I was looking right at her. No, sir, it was me. I was running past and I wasn't looking where I was going. Apologies. A flicker of doubt crossed his face. And to be honest, sir, I finished, forcing myself to be brave, you really should have been looking where you were going. I heard a gasp from somewhere behind me, and the doubt on his face was replaced by at once by uh that same anger. This time, however, redirected to myself. To the wasp room with you, he roared. Now, get out of my sight, and you he points to the other girl.

SPEAKER_03 42:06

Clean this mess up.

SPEAKER_04 42:08

My heart was hammering away and inside my chest. I wondered if I'd just been a massive idiot. But I made a decision and I had to stand by it. I'm sorry, sir, I said, but I don't know the way. He seethed and grabbed me roughly by the collar. I heard a tide of whispering rising behind us as he dragged me from the hall and down the corridor down corridor after corridor. It's a lot of corridor. Beneath broken and darkened lights, and eventually down a shaky set of metal stairs, one I had never seen before. Down we went, down a long and blank corridor, another fucking corridor, with flickering lights. Completely bare except for little cracks and scuffs along the wall, and a large chipped white wooden door at the far end. The buzzing at first I assumed to be from the lights, you fucking mongoloid. But as we approached, as that terrible door grew larger and larger, the drone of the buzz grew with it. I felt it felt like the air became thicker, like tar. I struggled to breathe as I stumbled and tripped over my feet until we were stood right by it, right by the door. And he grabbed a key from his pocket and jammed it into the lock. He shot me a look. And was that a smirk? I swear it was, the hint of a smirk. Of glee. And he tore the door open and threw me inside. I'll see you at the end of the day, he barked as the door slammed shut. The end of the day. But that was over three hours away. No. Surely you couldn't mean to keep me in here for three hours. For supposedly knocking over some food? But I heard the door lock behind me. I only heard it because the room was pitch black. The buzzing was all around. I began to panic. The beads of sweat across my skin fell. Felt like legs, like little wasps in my mind crawling all over me. I began to scream. Shh! Came a voice through the darkness. Another kid? Don't scream. Don't move, just stay still. Stay as still as you can and keep your mouth shut. Enjoy! came the voice of Mr. Ride through the door, and suddenly I was hit by a terrible heat. The room was thrown into a bright and violent light, from heat lamps stationed all around. And in the split second that I could see before I was forced to shut my eyes, I saw the walls come alive. They rippled and swarmed from every surface. A violent shifting hive mind. The wasps. Yeah. Thousands and thousands of them. I watched clouds of them shoot into the air to bask in the heat. The buzzing in the drone grew tenfold, and even if I had screamed, I don't think anyone would have heard me. They were all around me at once. The wasps, flying past my ears and landing on my clothes and my skin. I slammed my mouth tight shut and quickly drew a hand up to each ear to cut you don't want them in your holes, I gotcha. Too quickly, apparently, as as it was fast enough to disturb a handful of wasps, I felt them swarm over my eyelids, crawling all over my hands and fingers. I suppressed a scream as I felt a sharp sting on the back of my hand, and then another. I was shaking, trembling so violently. They were everywhere, everywhere, all at once, swarming and loud, so loud. But I had to calm down. I had to calm down. If I didn't, if I didn't, they would just keep coming. They would keep stinging. So I focused as best I could, and I took as many deep breaths as I was able. This was insane. This was absolutely insane. How could they do this? How could they do this to a bunch of kids? It was a nightmare, a true nightmare, and the time dragged on. Like this fucking story, man. Minute by agonizing minute, hour after torturous hour, God knows how long the other kid had been with me in there. The lights turned on and off intermittently. When they were on, we sweated under its painful burning heat. The wasps were disturbed and roused to a frenzy, and that's when they were at their most aggressive. What are they feeding these things? I wonder. I mean, they don't eat people, so like what the fuck? Um When the lights were off, we were plunged back into total unforgiving darkness. The wasps were all over me, all over my arms and legs, all over my face, scratching their way around my nostrils. I'd never I've never had to control my breathing so carefully. Not breathing out too hard for fear of angering them, and not breathing in too hard for fear of hell for fear of well, I didn't want to think about it. I couldn't stand two. The next fucking line is Bzzzz. Okay. I was a different person by the time I was let out. Everyone must have gone home by then. It felt like years had passed, not hours. The wasp room was dark when my ordeal came to an end. It had been for some time, much longer than I had gotten used to. I was braced, terrified, but braced. The fuck does that mean? For another blast of that burning light, but it never came, just darkness, cool and steady until the majority of the wasps had settled. And then there was light again. I could see it through my eyelids, but this time it was different. It was pale. I cautiously opened one eye, saw a silhouette of a man by the open door. I could have cried in relief. I think I did a little actually. Out you come, he muttered. Mr. Ride. The boy was out in a flash, quickly sprinting away down the long corridor, but I could not run. My legs were still shaking, traumatized. I took a step by care I took step by careful step back out into the corridor, and he laughed. Mr. Ride laughed! Enjoy yourself and there, new girl, he chuckled, and I looked at him through bleary, bloodshot eyes. You're a monster, I whispered, before I could stop myself. Then the laughter left from his face, and time seemed to slow. What did you just say? He asked me, a voice harsh and forced from between his teeth. What did you I said nothing. I tried to walk by, uh, but he grabbed me by my shirt, held me in place. So you think it's appropriate to talk back to your teachers, do you, girl? He spat, a vein bulging in his neck. It might be an idea to teach you how to It might be an idea to teach you how things work around here sooner rather than later. We wouldn't want another Master Martinez on our hands. Is this British? I don't know. He grinned. I'm starting to think that perhaps you'd appreciate a little more time in the wasp room. And I panicked, my vision flashed white and began to throb at the edges. No. Oh god, no more, no more. Fuck, I can't do it. I can't take it. I don't make me go back inside. Please, sir, don't, don't, don't send me back inside. You can't. I struggled, screaming, kicking. He held me steady. He began to open the door back up, and the buzzing grew. The wasps. The wasps. And I flung him off of me. He stumbled. He was old. And before I knew what I was doing, I had shoved him, shoved him hard into the wasp room. He staggered and fell onto his back, scrambling around desperately, onto his knees, crawling back towards me. And I slammed the door tight shut and locked it, clenching the key, tight in my fist. He began banging against the door from the other side again and again and again. No, he shouted. You can't do this. I'm allergic. Allergic.

SPEAKER_02 49:43

Why are you even going near the wasp for a minute, bud?

SPEAKER_04 49:47

Please, I'm allergic to wasps. I took a retreating step back down the corridor. I heard the sudden metallic buzz of the heat lamps, accompanying the swarming buzz of the wasps, and I heard his screams. I felt a hand on my shoulder and jumped in terror, swiveling at once. It was the boy. The boy I'd been locked in the room with. Obviously Martinez. We stared at each other for a moment. Then he gestured to the key in my hand and quietly said, I'd leave that here if I were you. So if I let it fell from my wasp's wasp stung hand, it clattered to the floor, and in silence we walked out together as the buzzing and the screams echoed down and around the corridor behind us. We have a new science teacher now, a woman. She seems nice enough, but they never told us what happened to Mr. Ride. They never even mentioned his disappearance. Most of the kids assume he just retired. Perhaps even some of the teachers do now. Too. Also, as well. I don't know what happened to him exactly. Well, he died, so yeah. Yeah, you do. You killed him. You know exactly what happened to him. He's allergic to thousands and thousands of water. I don't want to know. I started getting nightmares, and I don't think the boy I was locked in there with is as is it a grass punk? And I don't think that the boy I was locked down there with is a grass. I don't that must be British.

SPEAKER_02 51:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 51:11

Yeah. I don't know that I don't know that terminology. I don't think he's telling me, but I don't know. And I feel like I'm losing my mind. I notice furtive searching glances from the teachers in the corridors, whispers behind locked locker doors, and I've never felt less safe. And I can't go back to that wasp room. Not ever. I can't. I can't do it. So I have to get out. I have to find a way out of the school, and I will do whatever it takes. That's the end of the story.

SPEAKER_02 51:40

Huh. Well, you know. I did not expect the wasp room to be an actual room full of wasps.

SPEAKER_04 51:47

Yeah, I did. How how? But I didn't expect it to be.

SPEAKER_02 51:51

How is that legal? How is that there's so many questions. Is it just a fantastical story? Like, is that is that the whole thing? Like what the fuck?

SPEAKER_03 52:00

You know.

SPEAKER_04 52:01

It's just they committed the worst crime and the crime of being just not good. Just you know. Just kidding.

SPEAKER_02 52:11

I don't even know, like, what the fuck. Like, there were a few passages in that that were fine. And I was like, like when they talked about the the all the shirts and jackets making noise when everyone turned. I liked that. I liked it. There was a few times where I was like, nice, nice. But yeah. I didn't expect it to be a real wasp broom. And then I don't think this story was as fleshed out as they as it should have been.

SPEAKER_04 52:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 52:45

There's a lot of questions that anybody would be asking. There's a lot of holes in this that just are like weird, like, how are you keeping a wasp room?

SPEAKER_04 52:55

Yeah. You can't just have a normal school but it has a wasp room. Yeah. There's gotta be something else to it.

SPEAKER_02 53:02

What is the deal? Is is you need to like hint at at least it being a bigger conspiracy. Like, not just in the school, even. Outside of the school, the town, everyone knows about the wasp room. It is for some reason like a a centerpiece of this town in like a dark, brooding kind of way. Yeah. It's hushed. Like in hushed murmurs.

SPEAKER_04 53:29

The mare is a wasp.

SPEAKER_02 53:31

Yeah, maybe. Something.

SPEAKER_04 53:33

Big wasp man.

SPEAKER_02 53:34

There's gotta be something.

SPEAKER_04 53:35

There also wasn't an ending. She's like, I shoved the fucking guy in there and he died, and uh, I I don't want to go back in there.

SPEAKER_02 53:43

It's been like a week or so. Yeah, like what the fuck?

SPEAKER_04 53:47

Yeah, whatever, man. It just was uh not good. It wasn't the knee slapper I was hoping it would be, unfortunately. Boys and girls, I failed you again.

SPEAKER_01 53:55

We got a whole we did a whole thing right in the middle, though. I gotta do more diligence in these fucking stories.

SPEAKER_02 54:02

You just gotta find your local chef, man. I got it.

SPEAKER_04 54:05

I gotta spend a day just combing through.

SPEAKER_02 54:08

Dude, it won't even take that long. I bet. I bet there's a thousand of these guys. I'm sure. Probably much better than him, even. Yeah. I just gotta do better. What this is. So we may not even ever need to talk to local chef.

SPEAKER_04 54:21

Well, this but I still want to. I think I found this one on a list of like the worst Reddit no sleep stories. Oh, okay. And it was like, I guess it was just bad because it's not good. Yeah. I was expecting more cringe, you know, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 54:36

Because there's actually a wasp room, but that's what it is. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 54:39

I guess that yeah, just disappointing.

SPEAKER_02 54:41

There should have been a clever turn there of some type, and there just wasn't.

SPEAKER_04 54:44

It's bad because it's a fucking disappointment.

SPEAKER_02 54:47

Um I mean, not I mean the author didn't do a a terrible job all the way around, but that aspect of it wasn't subpar, I would say. Yeah, but you know, imagery was good, like, you know, a little too flowery at times.

SPEAKER_04 55:03

I agree.

SPEAKER_02 55:04

So you're on the right track.

SPEAKER_04 55:07

Don't write gay shit like that ever again.

SPEAKER_02 55:09

Yeah. My next story, the last story of the episode, I presume, is My Dog Wants to eat me. It's a creature feature. That's the uh flair. I like that if you didn't know.

SPEAKER_04 55:29

Let's see if we don't get some high heel stomping.

SPEAKER_02 55:31

I think I'm gonna start at white and then we'll find out, you know. Okay. Right? I mean, you know.

SPEAKER_04 55:35

Well, it might be a fucking chick for all we know.

SPEAKER_02 55:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 55:38

We'll never know until halfway through the fucking story.

SPEAKER_02 55:41

I know that the title is pretty ridiculous, even while writing this. It feels fucking stupid. But what can you do? My dog is a Alaskan Malamute. Yep, it's a fucking white chick. A beautiful breed. His name is Dexter, and I had him for over eight years. I'm 19 while writing this, so he was in my teenage years, and I made a huge bond with him. My Dexter loved to be outside. Thank God my dad has his own property with a massive backyard. Yep, why? If we didn't, I promise you Dexter would be one of them couch potatoes, and his fur would be everywhere. My mom hates dogs and cats. Anything that isn't human. Well, she hates humans also, but you need to put the line somewhere. My mom's a rad cunt. This may sound like she's a horrible person, but she wasn't. She is a kind soul towards her family, very protective. My dad is one of them. Speak and find out. Type, but okay, sorry. There's a comma there. Speak and find out type, but he likes dogs. And the reason why I got Dexter is because dad wanted to piss off mom. And that's really all.

SPEAKER_04 56:51

It's a really fucking sweet relationship, yes.

SPEAKER_02 56:55

I was sleeping when I woke up to my phone ringing. Yeah, usually you are sleeping when you wake up. Yeah. Yeah. Uh somehow calling me at this hour? I thought someone calling me at this hour. Sorry, I fucked that up for him. Sorry about that, guys. I thought picking up the phone. That I didn't fuck up. Someone calling me at this hour. I thought picking up the phone. Right. Hello? I said with a tired voice. Hey Henry, this is me, your favorite uncle. Uncle Oliver sounded excited for some reason.

SPEAKER_04 57:32

Uncle Unky Spunky calling.

SPEAKER_03 57:34

Got my fingers warmed up for you, kid.

SPEAKER_02 57:37

Unky spunky, you got that mouth ready. You know, I ain't got no cold hands, though. You got them soft lips ready for you for me. Okay. Oh hi, Uncle. Who says that? Oh hi, Uncle. Why are you calling me at this hour?

SPEAKER_04 57:53

What do you think of it?

SPEAKER_02 57:55

Well, because I don't know if I can do the voice. You should have a transcript. Well, because I want you to do something. And don't worry, it's not free labor. I I just want you to look over my cabin for just a week.

SPEAKER_04 58:09

I give you some candy or something.

SPEAKER_02 58:12

And I pay you well, huh? What you say. Not knowing what to say, I just quickly said, What pay? I could hear Oliver laugh slightly. I'll give you the truck you always wanted. Hell, you can drive it up to the cabin. You can take your dog with ya. I thought about this for a minute. My own truck sounds cool as cool ass shit. And I have just finished my driving lessons like a month ago, and not really wanting to drive my mom's small Toyota. You're fucking almost 20, bitch. What do you mean? Yeah, uh, yeah, sure. When you want to meet me fuck. When you want me to be there, I said. Today, you can come drive here anytime, but not when it starts getting dark. I be waiting to see ya. Before I could say anything, he hung up. I looked at my phone and put it on my desk and laid back down. Well, I be dreaming about my new car. That's so great. Did I fuck that up? I gotta make sure. Oh fuck. I scrolled down a little bit. Oh fuck. Okay, yeah. Put it on my desk and I laid back down. Well, I be dreaming about my new car. Yeah, okay. Nope. Nope. It's there. Killer. In the morning, I was making myself breakfast when I seen Dexter at the back door to be let out. So I went over and let him go. Dexter went running outside. When I turned around, I seen dad taking a cold beer. I walk over to continue my breakfast while doing so. I spoke. Hell yeah, your dad's cool.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:00

Beer for breakfast pops. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I hate I fucking hate your moms. I'll give him the So my life sucks. Dick.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:09

You know my life, so why wouldn't you bud light for breakfast, bitch? Shut up and cook the bacon. Uncle Oliver called me in the middle of the night. Dad looked over at me. Well, he said that too. Uh oh no, she's talking. Sorry, I fucked up. Because it said dad after, so I assumed just with the elementary writing. Yeah. Uncle Oliver called me in the middle of the night. Dad looked over at me. Yeah? What for? Dad spoke while taking a sip of his beer. You can't do that. You can't do that. You do one and then the other.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:43

I really like the choice of making these like fucking New York street tufts that own a farm. Yeah, right. Oh yeah, what are that old cocksucker call you for?

SPEAKER_02 1:00:52

Well, they they moved, you know? They moved from the big city. Witness protection, I guess. To the to the farm. Um wants to look over his cabin. Don't know why. I said while finished finishing my eggs.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:09

Well, what did you fucking pulling a hot move on him or something? Playing a little three-card money over here with the scramble.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:20

Well, yeah, this part this part's gonna get you. Oh fuck. I said while finishing my eggs, well, what's he paying you? I should have done a Jew voice, I guess. Some old change or lollipops. My dad leaned against uh against the fridged. Oh man. No, he's giving me the truck in the garage. I sat down eating my eggs. My dad looked at me and nodded. That's something he wouldn't let a soul touch his truck. I went back to black. He wouldn't let a soul touch his truck, and he just give it up like that. My dad, now full of confusion. I guess he changed. I said, while oh no, I said, while taking a sip of water, maybe for the better after his wife died, my dad nodded. Wait a minute.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:22

Oh my god. Once his cunt wife left his mortal coil, his attitude surely improved.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:30

My dad nodded. Yeah, probably.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:34

Such a crazy conversation. Yeah, you know my sister is fucking wife.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:40

My dad. My dad took a sip. Well, at least his heart is opening for good, you know. When you going? I fucked that up, but anyway. Yeah. My dad said, standing up, walking over to TV. Today, I'll start getting started. I'll just be I'll just be there only for a week and I'm taking Dexter. My father just nodded. Good luck, he said, putting on a channel on the TV.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:10

Great fatherly instincts. Good luck, you fucking mook.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:15

When I when I fenced ahead cleaning my dish, I went to the backyard. I seen Dexter walking about sniffing and what dogs do. I smiled. Tyler far left. That's great. Oh fuck. No, dude, what do dogs do? You're the authors. Tell us. Tell us, local chef.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:42

You know, just fucking dog shit.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:46

Uh Dexter walking about sniffing and what dogs do. I smiled. Oh, how much I love my dog. And what he do. When I was packing, my dad came into my room. I looked over to him and he pulled out a pistol, handing it to me. You be careful in them woods. If any fucking Jimmy's come around, you whack them. Any creepy motherfucker tries to entry you. What? Entry? Sorry. He didn't say entry, he said entry, so I was like, is entry a verb? What the fuck? Okay, and there's no comma, so you be careful in them woods. Any creepy motherfucker tries to entry, you shot him on the spot. My dad said while putting the gun in my hand. And before I could say anything, don't tell your mother. And just left. I looked at the gun. I was kind of dumbfounded with nobi how quickly this started and ended. I packed the gun and went downstairs. Went to say goodbye to mom and dad, but mom wasn't there. Hey dad, where's mom? I said, walking towards the garage. She out shopping. Dad said, look at me. Spend all my fucking money. Well, okay. I said bye. My dad just nodded and went on his day. This green tea is making me hiccup. Or maybe it's the lack of green tea. And went on his day. I went inside the garage, turning touring on the lights, seeing Uncle Oliver's truck under covers. Why is their uncle's truck in their garage? Whatever. I pull them off, and there's the beauty. 1995, 4.50. Everyone's crown jewel. Dude, Jay Leno has like six of these, bro.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:37

It's practically a Porsche 911.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:39

Jay Leno and uh Jerry Seinfeld fucking fight over these cards. It's the Maserati of the fucking boondocks. Yeah, dude. Oh my god. Fucking 95. To be fair though, a 95 F 150 is a sick fucking truck. I'm not gonna lie. I actually love a 1995.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:00

Fucking box body.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:03

It's clean and well kept. My uncle, it's sitting undercover. My uncle has a lot of cars and asked my dad if he can keep it in our garage. He sometimes came over to drive the truck or take a look on it. He really he really kept it well. I went to the driver's side and opened it. The keys on the seat. I put my bag under the passenger seat and started the car. Hearing it got me excited for this road trip. I opened the garage door, called Dexter. He came inside the garage and I opened the car door for him. Come on, boy, I said, while padded the seat, Dexter's jumped in. I closed the door and went to the driver's side. I got in, closed the door, and started to drive. So the dog has not done anything yet, by the way. Just so we're clear on the street. No, he did stop the dog.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:51

He did the things that dogs do.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:52

He did the things that dogs do, but he hasn't done anything threatening.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:55

So we don't know what this fucking psycho thinks dogs do. Alright.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:58

And just to make this hard to read, I mean, come on, bro.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:02

That's a wall.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:03

I have been driving for over three hours now. I had like 30 minutes to get there, so I wasn't stressing. Oh, okay, I see. Okay. It's the lack of punctuation is like fucking me up. I have been driving for three hours now. I had like 30 minutes left to get there, would have helped. So I wasn't stressing, and the sun is still out. When I got the biggest urge, Ugger to piss, yeah, it's U G R E. I looked around for a gas station, but all I saw was trees. I cher's driving through. You think there's a sinoco or anything? Is there a sinoco to my left or right?

SPEAKER_04 1:07:47

The fucking forestry? I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. I thought I saw a fucking BP over there by the uh, you know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:57

Woods. When you go out in the wilderness, it's the flora, the fauna, and the fucking sinoco. And the floor of the fauna.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:03

The three Fs, the flora, fauna, and fuel.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:05

Yeah, there we go. Everybody knows that. The flora of the fauna and the fuel up.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:11

Uh all right.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:12

Is that a raccoon's den or is that a circle K? I don't know. Oh man. That's great.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:20

Is that a Valero over there? Welcome to the Buckies of the Forest. Yeah, dog. Is that a come and go? Yeah. Uh, alright. Um I checked Google Maps, and next gas station is way too far out. I probably had pissed myself by then.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:38

Yeah, well, you know, characters in local chef stories really like to piss all over the place.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:42

Yeah, so I pulled over. I pulled the brake and left the car. I opened the door for Dexter so he could piss or whatever he needed to do. You know, tops. I went a little into the forest and started to take a piss. I looked forward seeing the beauty of the forest. Then I seen a deer and a dead deer. The alive deer sniffed its deer friend. Well, that's sad. God damn, your dog's me chomping on that fucking deer pretty soon. Well, that's sad. I finished pissing and zipped up. When backed out, I made a sound and the deer ran away. I walked towards my car when I heard a weird sound behind me. I turned around and it was the same deer standing close, very close to me. I could reach it and pet its head, but this was weird. Why is he just staring at me like that? Hey, what you want? I asked like an idiot, and of course I didn't get an answer back. Then I reached out to pet it, but it quickly ran away. I looked confused at this whole situation, but weird things happen. I talked to my car. I walked to my car, sorry, fuck. I opened the passenger door and called for Dexter.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:55

Dexter! Imagine this psycho has this deer thing happen and he looks back at the truck and he's like, You can get a load of this shit.

unknown 1:10:01

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:02

Turns out another schizophrenic character.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:04

Cool, love it, yep. And after a bit, I seen Dexter running towards the car. He seems to be enjoying this. I smiled, and Dexter jumped right into my door, not even going over to me for me to pet him like he always did. Today is a weird fucking day. Yeah. I closed the door and went to driver's side and sat down. Closed the door. I looked over at Dexter when I started the car. Dexter always looked though through the windshield. He has though. The windshield, when we was in front of the car. When he sits in the back, that's when he looks through the window. I pet Dexter and drove. When I was driving when I was droving in the dirt road towards the cabin, I noticed Dexter looking at me, though the rear view mirror I started to get pretty uncomfortable. I was about to say something, but I noticed the the cabin ahead. Dexter, look, there's our home for the week. I looked over at Dexter. He looked back at me, his tongue peeking out. I pulled in front of the cabin and turned off the car. Well you probably going to love it here, huh, Dex? I laughed and opened my door, and went over to the other side to open the door for Dexter. When I looked at the rearview mirror, and he's still looking at me through it. I opened the door. Stop looking at me like that, Dex, I said, looking right to Dexter, as he slowly turned to look at me. That this the physical space of this does make it makes no sense. Yeah, no. The configuration. You can't see the rear view mirror well enough. And your dog is by the time you're around the fucking truck to his side, he's between you and the mirror. Yeah. How the fuck is he looking at you in the mirror? No. Okay. God damn it. Fuck. Still looking at me through it. Open the door. Stop looking at me like that, Dex. I said, looking right to Dexter as he slowly turned to look at me, before starting panting. He got off and walked around the cabin. I grabbed my stuff and closed the door and locked the car and went up the stairs to the door when I got a notification. I pulled out my phone and checked it. And it was from Uncle Oliver. It reads, Hey, the keys are under the mat. The fridge is full of food. Just keep the cabin clean. See you next week. I checked under the mat and indeed the key was there. I picked it up. I was about to reply, but the Wi-Fi bars went from five to zero, meaning no internet. Yeah, that's what that means. What the? I said, confused. It was just five bars. I sighed and unlocked the door and opened it. Dexter ran inside first. He went inside so fast that he pushed me a little. Watch out, Dex. You're being weird, lady. I I I went inside. It was a small cabin. Kitchen, living room, two bedrooms, and a bathroom.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:53

That's fucking huge.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:55

I started to unpack in the biggest bedroom when I heard some sounds, like something moving, like worms coming from the living room. I put down my stuff and checked it out, but all I saw was Dexter sitting in the middle of the living room sniffing the floor.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:09

You ever heard worms?

SPEAKER_02 1:13:10

I looked at the window in the living room where Dexter was facing. I seen his reflection, his eyes looking at me. I started to feel kind of disgusted. Why Dexter Ugh fuck, goddammit. Why Dexter acting so weird? Hey Dex, you hungry? When I said that, his tail started to move, meaning his hungry. Oh, I see that tail. I'll just finish unpacking my last bit of clothes and I get you some food. I went back and unpacked my stuff and I turned around and seen Dexter peeking his head inside looking at me. I looked at him. You must be really hungry. I walked into the kitchen when I heard a very faint yes. I turned around very fast, but all I seen is Dexter sitting there looking at me calmly. I rubbed my head. I might be imaging stuff. I went back and got food for Dexter. I fed him and I ate something myself. When we both finished eating, I I said, Let's go for a walk, Dex. I stood up and walked to the door. Dexter came right next to me. I got ready and we went to the forest. While we were on the walk, I started to sing a thing me and Dad used used to sing when we were on a walk. Marching, marching, all the way, all the way, all the way. I don't know the melody, so we just sung. We just sung that when we were bored. I like singing it as it brings good memories. It started to get dark, so we marched all the way back. When we did, and I cleaned Dexter up as he got a little dirty. When I touched his stomach, it felt like worms were inside it. But Dexter is an old dog, so maybe he was just moving his stomach. I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:46

You know.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:47

When I got home, I'll check it out.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:49

What fucking things?

SPEAKER_02 1:14:50

What do you mean? You said you were gonna clean up the dog.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:55

You know, dogs get old. They start moving their stomach around.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:59

When I get home, I'll check it out. Oh, meaning not the cabin, but at home. Like, yeah, okay, got it. When I was in bed and Dexter laying next to me, I got five bars again, in which I called my dad. After a bit, he answered and sweared. Uh, what's up, buddy? What's up, buddy? Dad asked while I could hear him pause the show he was watching. Um I'm good, Dad. Uncle Oliver kept his cabin clean. It's nice, it's way different. He changed a lot around. New walls, floors, everything. I said while I took a sip of my beer. Oh, he's fucking partying.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:31

Sick.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:32

He takes good care of everything but himself. How Dexter doing?

SPEAKER_04 1:15:36

The fat slob.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:37

Yeah, that fat fuck. My brother. Um, his doing fine. He keeps on sniffing around. It's like he forgot he can't smell no more.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:46

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:48

Yeah, poor thing. His old, just like you. My dad laughed. Like me, you probably on your deathbed. Wait, sorry, death couch. I took a sip of my beer.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:58

Ah, banter.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:00

How's mom? She's doing fine. Ah, she's a cunt. She really doesn't want you there. Told her that you're our uh adult and can do whatever you want. Yeah, I know. That's how mom is. Can't do nothing. Alright, I'm going to sleep. Good night, Dad. I said. Dad said goodnight also, and I hung up. I petted Dexter and went to sleep. The next day, I woke up, checked my phone, and noticed that I have no more bars. I sighed, annoyed. I looked at my door in which was closed last night. It was wide open. I opened the drawer next to the bed and grabbed the gun. I stood up and checked around, but empty. Only Dexter on the couch. I walked over to him. When did you learn to open doors? I walked back to my room and put the gun away and got dressed.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:47

When I got fucking raped by a worm in the woods, you idiot.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:51

When I entered the living room, I noticed five worms on the floor. Dude, hold on. Hold on. Just a second. Local chef dog. Why did you say earlier that you heard worms? Worms don't make sound.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:09

That's I tried to bring that up earlier.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:12

You hinted at the worm. You didn't hint. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You didn't hint. You ham-fisted at the end. You fucking slammed us with Thor's hammer upon our foreheads about it, about the worms. Dog, you should have said it smelled like dirt or something that hints at worms, but doesn't it's not the word worms.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:34

Anyway, I I just I'm trying to give a little bit of literary uh uh feedback, a little help there, a little workshopping.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:40

It smells like dirt's a great great note.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:42

Something like that. So uh uh uh five worms on the floor. What the fuck? I went to grab some toilet paper. When I got back, I noticed Dexter eating the worms. I quickly run to him and pushed him away. What the fuck are you doing, Dex? He's doing a very understandably dog thing.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:58

He's doing what dogs, too.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:59

Yeah, he's yeah, he's like earlier.

SPEAKER_04 1:18:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:01

I looked and he ate all. You are fucking disgusting, Dex. I stood up and went to make some food for me and Dex. Oh, that's the perfect time to make food. When I did and we finished eating, we went on a walk. Marching, marching all the way, all the way, all the way. I song when a deer ran in front of me, just standing there looking at me. I was pretty confused. I looked at his body and noticed that the deer had a scar. Same deer from two days ago. It just stood there looking. I slowly reach my hand towards it. I can't move anything else besides my arm, and when I finally reach the deer's head, I get like a kick back. Like I came back into reality. It's dark now. I looked around and Dex was gone. I looked back where the deer was. I l looked fuck. It looked like it was the word locked. My bad. I looked down and the deer was dead. What's going on? I ran to the cabin as fast as I could. I seen the light was on. Did I forget to turn it off? I went inside carefully and checked around. It was daytime when you left. I went to my room and seen Dexter sleeping on the bed. I walked to the desk and took my phone. Five bars. Ten missed class from dad and mom. I called my dad back. He answered. Hey, what happened? I said, wait, it's him, I guess. Hey, what happened? I said, confused. Dexter came back home, Dad said. My eyes widen as I slowly look at the thing on my bed and it speaks. I'm hungry. I'm hungry. I probably should have done something more like that. I then quickly throw my phone at the thing, took the car keys, and ran out of the room, closing the door. I could hear the thing get mad as it rammed itself at the door.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:47

Hey, you fucking threw a phone at me.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:48

I couldn't care. It will break the door soon. I went to the front door as I did. It kept on saying, marching, marching all the way, all the way, all the way. It sounded like a dog wanted to speak like a human. I got out of the cabin and blocked the door with a chair and a table. I quickly ran to the car, opening and starting it. I reversed back and I seen the thing jump through the window, running towards me on its two legs. It had human eyes with a dog mouth, its body fat. You could see things moving inside it. I drove as fast as I could. It was running towards me. It runs so weirdly. I can't even explain it. I finally got on the main road, but it was still following, but it was far away. When a truck hit it, when I looked back, I could see it running back into the forest. It been a three days. That's it, dog. It been hold on, there's more story, but that's that's a sentence.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:46

It been a three days.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:47

It's been a three days. Damn. I told the police, but they didn't believe me. But they decided to check the cabin out, and we got a call just now that they found Uncle Oliver hanging in the attic.

SPEAKER_04 1:21:01

Jesus fucking fuck.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:02

He'd been dead when I arrived.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:04

Jesus fucking Christ, dude.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:07

He was dead the whole time you were there, bro.

SPEAKER_04 1:21:10

What the fuck, man?

SPEAKER_02 1:21:11

Oh my god, dude. I mean, you should have smelled Uncle Oliver. That should happen as well. Then that would also be a thing with the worm smell. Like you could say the smell of death, smell of worms, all of it, but and and then, you know, maybe maybe you find a dead mouse or something, and then psychosomatically, you think, you know, you somehow you work in your dog killing a mouse or something in this old cabin. That's pretty understandable. So you think that's the death sound or smell or something. I don't know. I'm trying to think of ways to make this thing make sense because the general idea of I I stopped at about a halfway point to piss. To piss in the woods, and then my dog invasion of the doggy snatchers. Yeah, right. And then a a a body snatcher fucking morphed into my dog and jumped in the car and stared at me a lot through mirror.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:02

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I like that part. Like, like, this is a truly the best makings of a story that he that we've had so far from local chef. No shit. It also had several laugh out loud moments in it, uh, which I I liked. It was better than the cat story in that uh regard. Bunch of animal tales today.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:25

Yeah, he really likes animals with human eyes. That's an uh an interesting thing that he's uh fallen upon. Yeah. No, there's a lot of cool shit in there for sure. Um, if anyone else on earth had written it, it might have come out pretty okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:41

Might have had some redeeming qualities.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:43

Yeah, no, I like the the deer thing, you know, could seem fucking stupid, but it actually kind of works because it could be a thing where, you know, there was a dead deer and then the dog sniffed it and a worm got up his nose. That could have been a way to go about it. But you know, it was invasion of the doggy snatchers. The deer thing was kind of a complete fucking uh red herring. Right, yeah. It was. And the marching marching thing's kind of fucking gay. We could have done without that entirely.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:12

Um but yeah, you know it turned into a train wreck because the guy doesn't know how to close the deal.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:19

Yeah, no, yeah. I do like the idea of the dog went home, so then it's proof that the thing laying there is not your dog, but you need to expound upon that. Yeah. If that's a word. Expand upon that idea. You need to you need to build upon that, and you need to like have a couple of sentences about the internal monologue about the thing on the bed not being your dog.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:47

Yeah, there's it's there's a lot of like measured decision making going on in the first three quarters of every story. And then the last quarter comes and he it comes his fucking whole entire load and just goes, I'm done writing. That was so fun for me. I got excited at the end, it was cool. Everything just kind of word vomited out, and there it is, guys. Yep. It's been a three days.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:12

It been a three days.

SPEAKER_04 1:24:14

Yeah. Yeah. Uh yeah. There was there's potential there for sure.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:21

I mean, not if he writes it, probably, but no, he's a starting pitcher, not a closer. Yeah. Uh so yeah, we we gotta get a hold of local chef. We keep talking about it. Yeah. It's gotta happen. It's probably gonna happen on the Patreon.

SPEAKER_04 1:24:34

Yeah, I think uh we craft a message on on the page next week. Sure. Shoot it off. Hey man, you know? We'll we'll we'll be careful about it.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:45

I think I only have like two or three left. Yeah. So now's the time so he can be working on them and sending them in the meantime. Yeah, we gotta protect this beautiful bastard. Wow, man. He's gonna have some sob story and we're gonna hate ourselves for fucking fun of his writings.

SPEAKER_04 1:25:06

Brain damage or something.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:08

I don't I don't know if it's that, because this this story had the the mate. I think it literally is the language barrier. I I am convincing myself of that. Didn't we find out he was Polish? Yeah, because any other explanation makes me hate that we're doing it a little, just a t just a smidge. Yeah. I feel a little bad.

SPEAKER_04 1:25:27

Kid, tarred, yeah, exactly. Molested, whatever. You know, it all it's all sad. But Polish. Very hateable. Yeah. Very open season on that ass.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:40

Dude, just co-write with somebody. That would be my advice, I guess. I'd be like, co-write with an English speaker speaker and fucking send them the nuts and bolts, and then they craft it with the language that you're trying to write it in and make it right.

SPEAKER_04 1:25:57

Yeah. Yeah, maybe uh maybe Polish Microsoft Word doesn't have English spell check. Yep. Everything's red squiggly lines.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:07

If it doesn't end in SKI, then yeah. Nice. Uh if it doesn't end in SKI, then it it doesn't think it's a real word.

SPEAKER_04 1:26:15

Yeah, no, uh Polish Microsoft Word. That it explains a lot. Yeah. Wow. Fucking just local chef's kiss on all of that. Yeah, dog. I got nothing else to say.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:28

Yeah, uh, go to our Patreon. I've been playing video games on there a lot. Um I'm currently mopping up the limited supply of Tony Hawks Pro Skater players on Switch that are on the leaderboard. I am passing them all up. So if you want to watch that happen, I've been making shorter, more palatable videos lately. Yeah. Check her out, dude. One one a week. Yes, sir. They drop on Fridays at three, so you can you can start your weekend with me, bro. Yeah, have a watch party. Uh invite all your fucking friends. Yeah, dude. It's 12 minutes of me or 22 minutes of me fucking launching through uh the the fucking leaderboard.

SPEAKER_04 1:27:10

Yeah. Weekly reminder that uh Fire Party 3 is coming up in July. We've already got a couple of fucking people that are committed and have taken time off work, so you know, dude. Don't uh don't dawdle. The chef is coming. Not the local chef. Oh, sicker or chef. Six, six, six, sick. We got uh sick. We got ribs on lock, baby boys. Hell yeah, dude. Maybe some fireworks. I don't know, dude. Oh, really? It's July. Why wouldn't you not have that?

SPEAKER_02 1:27:37

Well, it's late July. No, that's fine. I'm pretty sure what we should do, we should light them off at your house and then walk over here. Yeah. So then the cops get called over there.

SPEAKER_04 1:27:47

Yeah, they kick my door in and stomp my fucking cat to death with high heels.

SPEAKER_02 1:27:51

But by the t by the time But by the time we're gonna. I mean, they're not gonna suspect the group of however. Many dudes walking down the street.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:02

Surely not the rowdy high guys.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:04

Surely not the dudes with fucking pupils the size of dimes or nothing. They're not going to suspect us of anything. Not a chance. No, I think fireworks and uh being really, really, really fucking high is probably not the best combo. I think Friday night. Sure. A couple beers. Oh, that'd be perfect. That'd be the perfect way to set it off. I think so. This is the the next 36 hours of fart party greatness.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:32

Yeah, dude. What is it? 17th and 18th or 18th and 19th? I can't remember. Uh 18th is Saturday, I believe. Yeah. So uh Fart Party 3. Yeah, yeah. Come rock out with us, boys. Yep. Uh patreon.com slash fartmouthfartmouth.com with the Patreon button. Throw us a couple of bucks. Love ya, Spike.