Fartmouth
The most raunchy, stupid, and irreverent comedy podcast on the internet. The podcast equivilent of getting a lobotomy.
Fartmouth
315 - Samuel L Blackson
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This week's show features...
Spergy SPOOKS
I have fallen in love at first sight hundreds of times. And that's just in the past two years I've been here at the beach. It would mean the world to me. I'm so lonely. But not desperate. My name's Harry. I feel like I want to find a woman to grow old with because I'm growing old. I was brought up with this ideal of coming home and having a woman bring you a tray with some snacks and a cocktail. It would be really nice to feel cared for and so. I guess a woman who's who's a little old-fashioned. Reformed womanizer here, reporting for duty, rather ready, ready to adore you. And and and make you feel like the princess that you are. The following of the Farthmig University Kipchick Engineer Department.
SPEAKER_05Thank you for listening.
SPEAKER_04Well, woke minds can find sleep, Fort Mith University. Michael J. Fox is still alive, unfortunately, though his condition is a little shaky. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_10What's with the shots fired at Mikey J? What did he do?
SPEAKER_05He can dodge him, bro. I mean.
SPEAKER_10Whether on accident or on purpose, I guess. Jeez Louise, dude. All right. Well, hey, welcome everyone to Farmouth Podcast, a show whose host recently went to the doctor to get checked for OCD, but was told that he's got something called OBCD, which I guess is worse.
SPEAKER_05That's great, dog. Oh, that was right up my alley.
SPEAKER_10Every week we do a few rotating segments of each other laugh. I'm t I'm Jake. Tyler. Tyler is me. And Jake is him. That's us. Yeah. That's the boys. We're back at it again. We are here again with another show for y'all. What character will I play this week? Will I be the funny, lovable goof gaffer? Or will I be the angry, serious, sinister fuckeroo who's mad and angry at the world? I think you guys can probably tell. I'm in a silly mood.
SPEAKER_05I think I gave away the fucking. We're Patrick and SpongeBob today, dude. We're goofy goobers.
SPEAKER_10Which one do I have to be? It doesn't matter. I think there's an implication that you're making. I think you're make you're implying something.
SPEAKER_07He took away all my food and now I'm gonna starve.
SPEAKER_05Is what you're saying. Uh I mean, if we were to do them for Halloween, there would be an obvious.
SPEAKER_10If if we were to put our voices through like a fuss, some kind of AI, you're closer to I'm ready, and I'm closer to Bumbo. Probably. I think so. Probably. I don't know. The more you talk now, the more I'm like, oh.
SPEAKER_05I'm a little lower and you're a little higher than we think we are, I think. Oh, you think so? I think so.
SPEAKER_07You think so? You're trying to you're trying to voice mog me, dude?
SPEAKER_03I don't know.
SPEAKER_07Are you trying to out tilt my cantle, bro? You think you can come at me with your little shrimpy voice with my alpha testosterone?
SPEAKER_05Oh man, how do those guys have so many viewers?
SPEAKER_10Uh, because there's a bunch of fucking losers on the internet. None of them listen to this show. It's all straight up fucking dudes who are just like, I'm a fucking guy, man, and I'm not out here with all this gay fucking I'm not on 4chan talking about wrists and jaws. And jaws and tilts and fucking you know, we make fun of those losers because they're fucking nerds. Yeah. Not one incel listens to this show. And if you do, do the world a favor. You know what I mean. I'm not gonna say it.
SPEAKER_05I don't have to say it. It's not a call to action. I know it is, but we're not gonna say it.
SPEAKER_10If you're gonna do it, do it by yourself without the whole Elliot Roger thing. Cause, you know, I need some of those hot sorority gals in my life. Leave leave a few for me, guy. I want I want a bitch to feed me grapes. I've never had a girl feed me grapes. I'm ready. Yeah, that'd be sick. Damn it, now I'm SpongeBob.
SPEAKER_05I could probably or whatever. I could probably get my I could probably have my chick feed me grapes during the show if I really wanted to.
SPEAKER_10I guarantee it. You know why I know that? Because I've seen her feed fucking uh ice cubes to you in public. Oh yeah, okay. That happened at a bar one time. So I guarantee it. You just honestly, she's a girl, so you could probably trick her. You'd be like, here's an ice cube. Yeah. Hand her a fucking big fat red purple grape, and she wouldn't even know the difference. Yeah, true, true. With her inferior uh fucking what are they? I don't even know. I've I've lost the plot on this whole fucking incel thing.
SPEAKER_05Prefrontal cunt tax, more like.
SPEAKER_10Damn. Yeah. He's about to pay the prefrontal cunt tax tonight when he gets no pussy for saying that. Prefrontal vortex. Yeah. You know what I mean? Hey. Guys, friends, uh haters. The medulla. What?
SPEAKER_05Medulla alamtuata. Nice. Nice. Okay, where are you? What were you gonna say?
SPEAKER_10Uh the serbosum. Nice. It took me a minute to make, you know, it's hard to fucking portmanteau all the time.
SPEAKER_05That's better than what mine would have been. Mine would have been the I would have started it with slut. Slutabellum, I guess. Cervix bellum.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_10And I was good as servi Sarah Sarah bosom. Serebosum. Still I knew the thing and I couldn't do it. It took me. Yeah. Hey, fuck you guys. Thanks for listening. That's the end of the show. See you later. Dun dun dun dun dun. We need a um we need to do another outro song. It's about time, don't you think? Yeah. It's been about time. I should be game showing.
SPEAKER_05I should have said I'm gonna do uh more outro songs. Well, I've got a lot of I don't do them.
SPEAKER_10I've got a lot of free time these days. Yeah. I want to do like a game show one. Okay. I want to do like I want to rip off like the uh the price is right theme ending. Sure. In a way, somehow. Sure. Because I like that.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_05You could just take that and then pitch shift it up or down. No copyright claim. That's true. I don't know if that's true, but as far as how the alga works now or how the how the AI is trying to do it. I was gonna say, I was fucking getting it.
SPEAKER_10I could use do a little AI uh AI warfare and use AI to rewrite it for me. Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_05Okay.
SPEAKER_10Because you know, if it's a one-off little goofy thing, I don't care. It's not real art. We're just silly as silly geese. Hey, we're gonna do a segment this week. And boy, howdy, I am excited. Yeah. It's probably my favorite segment. Same. It's also exciting for me because I know what Jake has going on these days with this bit.
SPEAKER_09And boy, last week, the the last time we did this one, I almost died of laughter. Yeah, yeah. That was good. Here's the bit. Here's the drop.
SPEAKER_10Appropriately volumes. So Spurgy Spooks. We read spooky stories uh that are bad and we make fun of them. Yeah. That's the bit. I've got one, I think you have two. You're gonna do two? Yeah. Did you have a shorter one you were gonna do first, and then I do mine? That's my idea. Yeah. That's a good idea.
SPEAKER_05See how short it is? Perfect, yeah. One little scrolly.
SPEAKER_10And this is our friend, uh, what's remind me of our friend's name. Local chef. Local chef. That's that's a good name, too.
SPEAKER_05Local chef with two F's.
SPEAKER_10Oh shit. Local chef of a.
SPEAKER_05I did find out we are not making fun of a mentally challenged person. Shouts out. He's Polish. Oh. That's Did I not postulate that? That's why. I think you postulated foreign. I feel like I said Polish. Did you say Polish? I feel like I said Polish. Tell us in the Spotify comments. By the way, we haven't read last week's Spotify comments. We knew we had two weeks to figure it out, so we just didn't read them this week. But we will read them next week.
SPEAKER_10Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Because we knew Spurgy Spooks was coming this week.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, I'm gonna pretend like I'm not checking to see if anybody did leave a comment. All right, yeah.
SPEAKER_05Let's answer in real time.
SPEAKER_10I'm gonna scale.
SPEAKER_05I am gonna tell you, uh, I'm not gonna get into the story yet or even read the title, but I will tell you that the flair on this one is surreal horror. Ooh, I like flair. We're gonna find out if it's truly surreal, if this Polish fella knows what surreal means. We're gonna find out. I kind of hope that in like a year this guy finds these episodes, and he and he hears what we did. And I kinda hope that by then he's actually got a better hold on the English language, and he's writing better shit, and we and he can have a redemption arc. That's what I hope happens out of this whole thing. I checked. Zero comments. We got a comment on the week before, I think.
SPEAKER_10Oh, okay. The episode titles Only Coons. I remember some of the things.
SPEAKER_05Oh, that was like two or three weeks ago. Yeah. Was it really?
SPEAKER_10I think I think. Uh well, whatever. It was February.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_10I just saw a comment and it said, You guys aren't stupid. We just goofing. Thyroid problem and Jake News, still at it. I friggin' love it. After seven years, love you guys. Thanks, Robbie Kitchens. And then he commented, he replied to his own comment and said they never look at these, by the way.
SPEAKER_04I looked at it just a lot.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, I was scrolled down. My bad. Hey, we got we got a couple. Uh should see if the guy who wrote my dad is a chair wrote any more stories.
SPEAKER_05Oh, he did. Wait, no, that guy didn't. Yeah, I don't know about that. I need to go find that though and see if that guy didn't know. Look it up. Good call, good call, good call.
SPEAKER_10Uh Cody said, I just like hearing you guys shoot the shit. I like all segments. Hey man, get off the fence. I'm just kidding.
SPEAKER_05Isn't it funny, listener, when my brain goes through a process and then I say it out loud, though, like my brain's like, yeah, we can just push that right out the mouth. We don't need to keep that in here.
SPEAKER_10You remember, you remember like five minutes ago when I said I almost died of laughter?
SPEAKER_07Yeah.
SPEAKER_10Somebody commented on that episode and said, I have never heard such a wheeze out of a man. Nice.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, I was about to fucking pass out legitimately. Well, that same author. I don't know if I've have I said that on the rad. I think I did last week. Yeah. The that same author has written so many more stories. Oh, guys. We should check these comments more often, dude. These people are so nice. Dude, this title is about to fuck you guys up. What's the next nice comment, though?
SPEAKER_10Dude, I'm just gonna take a new segment. Yeah. We actually read the comments for once on the show. This the fucking the one with the five puffs idea that I had that was brilliant and we're gonna make a bazillion dollars off of. Yeah, for sure. First comment. Best God motherfucking damn podcast that God has created, prayer hands. Next comment. Fuck me getting hammied and listening to this is incredible. Cry laffy. Are these people we know though? No. I have no idea who the fuck this guy is. I'm not gonna say his name. I don't know if he wants all that out there. I mean, his name's on Spotify. You can find it.
SPEAKER_05Well, we've also already named other someone else. There's another guy I don't know. And he just said true. We're just reading on the internet, dude. They put it on the internet. We can read it. Well, that was an ep that wasn't an episode. It's no one that we know, though.
SPEAKER_10Oh. That sucks. Right. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Well, no, that's good. That's good. That's good, but that sucks because I was that sucks for my expectation. You know what I mean? That's why I said that. You know what this my brain did the thing again.
SPEAKER_10You know what this does though? This is a hand the hand that feeds the other hand. Sure. Is we're now announcing that we're gonna start reading Spotify comments on the show. True, true, true. So more Spotify comments will come. Yeah. If you want your comment read, leave it because I am officially announcing bum bum boom. I'm gonna read your Spotify comments if I remember to, if I don't get too drunk next time.
SPEAKER_05And I'm gonna be clueless and say dumb shit the entire time.
SPEAKER_10Yeah. But now, but we did get a couple of little feedback ease.
SPEAKER_05That is nice, yeah. That's sick.
SPEAKER_10We're just gonna do what they said do whatever you want, King. Pop off, you handsome devils.
SPEAKER_05But yeah, no. My expectation was it was gonna be like Nick or Andrew or Jodie B just. Not a single friend, honestly.
SPEAKER_10Actually, we should be mad.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. We should be mad at our friends. I think that's why my brain went that sucks. Yeah, bad friends. But we gotta rely on strangers. Our buds aren't fucking propping us up like they should be. At this point, I trust the strangers more. Exactly, dude.
SPEAKER_10Hey, Nick, Andrew, Jody, Dildo Master Jake, perhaps uh the fucking chicken boiler.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_10All of you collectively go fuck yourselves. Yeah. Although I did uh uh Michigan Mark hit me up the other day. Fuck yeah. And his favorite thing that we've ever done was broccoli shaming. So that reminds me, I need a a quick, a very quick 30 seconds or less broccoli update. Jake News, hit us with a broccoli update. What's your broccoli intake looking like for this week?
SPEAKER_05I have not eaten a single bit of broccoli since last week.
SPEAKER_10Shame the broccoli shame. I'm gonna get a big fake broccoli. I'm gonna get a big fake uh rubber and or cellophane, some sort of foam, a memory foam. Oh, okay. Broccoli.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, yeah, sure.
SPEAKER_10And I will bash me upon the hit you on the shoulder lightly because I don't have to like fucking really sell it.
SPEAKER_05Oh, okay. Yeah.
SPEAKER_10You're a great actor. I'll just I'll tap you with it. I said that his acting was a hundred percent physical with no audio. He just How was I gonna act being? You blinked five times. You blinked five times and and and flinched away from me. That was awesome. I wish you guys could have seen that.
SPEAKER_05I thought it would make you laugh.
SPEAKER_10Um, it did. Yeah. It did. That was fucking awesome. Okay.
SPEAKER_05That's the funniest thing I've done in 15 minutes, and it was completely physical, and none of the listeners heard it at all.
SPEAKER_10I think they appreciate the description. Uh, all right. So last the last time we did this, I I shafted you on the haunted swamps, swamp sounds.
SPEAKER_05So this isn't this doesn't take place in a swamp. In fact, this might be better without it this time. You think so? Yes, once you hear the title, I think it'll make sense. Okay. I think well, yeah. I don't know. I uh we'll see. I fell asleep in the school bathroom. I'm locked for the night and I hear weird sounds.
SPEAKER_10I think it's better with this.
SPEAKER_05The reason I said I don't know is because I was thinking maybe once the sounds start being described, you can hit the thing. But it's fine. I think it's better with the bed. It'll it is, it is better with the bed.
SPEAKER_10I had I went with my instinct and I hit it right away.
SPEAKER_05It's better with the bed.
SPEAKER_10I agree.
SPEAKER_05Um I just did a all-nighter with my friends. When I was walking to the bus, I nearly fell over. That's how tried I was. Tried.
SPEAKER_06That's how tried I was.
SPEAKER_05When I finally got to the bus, I started to look for my friends. They stayed home. They lied. They told me they will go to school also. I was way too tried to be mad. So I just sat down and stared at the window. Somehow I didn't fall asleep. Uh oh, sorry, sorry, error on my part. Somehow I didn't fell asleep. The ride was bumpy. It felt like my mother was holding me in her arms, wanting me to go to sleep. I resisted for some reason. Then my school came into view. I sighed with both annoyed and triedness. When the bus stopped, it felt like my mother putting me into bed. I closed my eyes for a second.
SPEAKER_10This guy's got mommy-ish.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, I know for sure. He likes to pop a titty in his mouth, you know what I mean? The bell ringed.
SPEAKER_10Speak up, fam.
SPEAKER_05The bell ringed. I jumped up, confused. I was in math class. Dot dot dot. Well, it just ended. Then I felt a tug on my shoulder. I slow slowly looked at who was doing so. It was Mark. He was saying something. I didn't understand. There is a comma between something and I right there, dog. I swear to God. He was saying something I didn't understand. It felt like he was speaking in a different language. And I just replied with, yeah, okay. Was it Polish? Was that the language? Uh Mark left. I stood up, grabbed my stuff. I didn't even have my stuff unpacked for math. I yawned. I need to take a piss. So I walked though the hallway towards the bathrooms. When I finally got there, I went into a stall. I was too lazy to pee while standing, so I sat down. Two never has two O's by the way when it should. Just to let you guys know what I'm reading. And before I knew, I was knocked out. When I woke up, my head was spinning. I looked I looked around and noticed everything was dark. I was in the darkness. No shit, doggy just said that. I took out my phone and put on the flashlight. I pointed my phone in front of me to understand my surrounding. I was in the bathroom stall. I didn't move a muscle. In that you were in that moment I realized that I fell asleep. I stood up and put my pants back on. I love to think that he took his pants all the way off and hung them on the rail in the fucking room.
SPEAKER_08The logic is so impeccable because he's like, I have to piece, but I do not uh I am too lazy for standing, so I will I will sit when I piece, but when I sit when I piece, I have to take my pants all the way off.
SPEAKER_05Oh dude, it's so good. When I left the stall, my phone light guiding me to the lights.
SPEAKER_10They put they inject ing to stuff they don't need. I knew that that was a thing.
SPEAKER_05He did it right after you made the hyperbolic version of it. He did that exact thing, and it wasn't hyperbole. I wasn't tried anymore. I turned on the light. Well, it didn't work. I went to wash my hands, and when I finished, I looked at the time, 2 a.m. Oh. Yeah, there is no puncture. There's nothing there. It's 2 a.m. He's in the bathroom at the school still. I went to check if anyone messaged me. Nothing. Well, that's weird. I went to call my mom, but when I was about to, I heard a weird sound. I don't know why, I just didn't ignore it. I I just didn't. I don't know why. Oh shit, I just said that. I used to light the phone. I turned away laughing and then I fucked up. Because there's eyes beginning most of these sentences. I used the light on my phone and slowly opened the door of the bathroom. You mean the stall, right? The weird noise was still going. I slowly opened the door, then squeak in apostrophe quotes, and the noise stopped. I froze in fear. My phone light just stopped working. Of course. I then heard fast footsteps. I just ducked down and crawled into a ball. I stopped breathing. The footsteps were right next to me. It sounded like multiple legs. You mean like two? Then when you should have said like more or should have said like more than two legs.
SPEAKER_10It didn't sound like hopping, so I assumed it was more than one leg.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_10There's like something going on about it. Yeah, I'm hearing that too. I'm gonna try it again. You keep doing your thing and I'll fuck with it.
SPEAKER_05Okay.
SPEAKER_04Oh my god.
SPEAKER_05Oh. It's all fucked up. Oh shit. I hope we're not sounding like that.
SPEAKER_10I don't think so. I think it's I I think I need to close this out and redo it. Oh you keep doing your thing.
SPEAKER_05Alright, alright. Uh the footsteps were right next to me. It sounded like multiple legs. Dot dot dot. They went away after a bit when I felt it was safe. I started to breathe normally. I st started to breath normally. Also, he wasn't breathing for that whole time. I slowly stood up. The noise was no more. I checked my phone, it was dead. When I had 50% like when he went to sleep, I'm assuming. Opening the door without making any noise, I slowly walked towards the stairs. I felt scared. I didn't want to make any noise. And my shoes sometimes just squeak. Chucky fucking fenster over here. So I made the decision to take them off. I walked in the darkness, only being guided by my memory. I walked slowly. Oh, he meant fifty percent last time he looked at it with the flashlight. That was my bad. That was my bad on that. Uh uh I just thought of that. I walked in the darkness only being guided by my memory. I walked slowly. I was feeling the walls when I touched a painting. I was close to the exit. The windows were not a help because they were blocked off by something. When I was walking following the wall, I stepped into something wet. I felt disgusted. I hate wet socks. I just pushed though. Then I felt a door, so I got closer to it. Then the footsteps could be heard again. They were fast like a spider. It ran right past me, so fast that it blew my hair back. Thankfully, I managed to hide inside the room. When I was feeling the door to look for a knob, I heard something in the room. The other door banged at the wall. I stood still. Whatever was in this room, I knew it was looking at me. I had a plan. Oh, okay. I finally found the knob and I took a deep breath. I opened the door and went through went though, closed it. The thing banged at the door. I could hear its many legs running to the other door.
SPEAKER_10I'm wondering what the monster is at this point. I know. I've got zero clue what this thing could possibly be.
SPEAKER_05I ran, just hoping it I wouldn't run into a wall. I ran into a glass door. I broke through it. I crawled away from the broken glass. My legs and hands cut. I could feel my blood trail. I crawled under something. The thing stepped in the glass. It screamed like a human, but I knew it was no human. It ran away. I was holding my tears.
SPEAKER_10Skittered, if you will.
SPEAKER_05When I noticed a light. I crawled towards it when some someone appeared. Uh officer. He started to speak. I tried to sh him, but the steps could be heard.
SPEAKER_09I tried to shush him.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. But the steps could be heard. We made too much noise. That's it. That's the sale of the whole story.
SPEAKER_10Jesus Christ. It was an officer. I shushed him.
SPEAKER_05Like a police officer, I'm assuming. Yeah, yeah. Uh so there's liter I can I don't have notes because that's just a nothing of a story.
SPEAKER_10Nothing happened. There's this uh he was at school. I'm gonna try to I'm gonna try to run through the beats of the story as I understand it. He was at school, he fell asleep in class, and then he woke up and he had to pee. So he went to the bathroom, he took his pants off, and he sat down to pee, and he woke up at 2 a.m. And then his flashlight on his phone drained 50% of his battery in five seconds, and then the sp a big scary spider skittered around and he tried to leave in the dark, and then the spider found him again and broke the glass, and but it maybe it was also a human spider because it screamed like a person, and then a cop showed up and he said, Shh, there's a spider. And the cop was like, Nuh-uh, and then the spider came.
SPEAKER_05And probably killed them both.
SPEAKER_10We will never know because uh he left us in the most suspense of all time.
SPEAKER_05So he started out mentioning his mom twice for some reason. Yeah. And then never came back to the mom thing. Like I thought it was gonna be like like his mom was gonna wake him up at the end, or it would come back around to mom at some point. But mom never makes another appearance.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, and then the spider cocooned me with its web as if it were my mother swaddling me. Yeah. And then it spoke and it was my mom. Yeah, the yeah, dude. And she ate me. Yeah. Back to the womb I go.
SPEAKER_05I'm realizing more of his stories are shorter than I thought. Yeah. They're not as long as the racist neighbor or the uh or the other one. But I think so I might, I might, we might get two more, dude, with how short these fucking things are.
SPEAKER_10Well, I like I think we shouldn't reach out to him if we run out, because I love his stories. They're so good. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Oh my god. I've got a little bit of a longer one. Yeah, let's do it. Maybe double that length. Um I o dude, when I found this story, I was like, bro, this is great. But I d I almost don't want to read the title. I don't want to give it away. The title's so the title is maybe even better than the story. Yeah. It's a one of those every once in a while you run across a story that the fucking title of it is so good, you know you're in for a fucking doozy, man. Yeah. I want to check the bed sound again one more time, because it was fucking crazy a second ago.
SPEAKER_05Man. What the fuck is that? I don't know.
SPEAKER_10I'm gonna I'm gonna hate. I'm gonna hit pause real quick on the show. I'm gonna see if I can figure this out real quick. Yeah. And we're gonna get right back into the action. Hey we're gay. I mean, back, we're back. We're back, we're black. We're we were we're white black. Drinking cone yak. Yeah. On top of a yak. Newport. Mendac. Sometimes you just gotta grab that shoe and horn it. You gotta grab a shoe and horn it. Sometimes you ever just do stuff for fun like no other reason than just like, why not? I was pulling into my driveway last night and I have a gravel driveway and I got to r uh right about where I stop and I just slammed on the fucking brakes and I skidded like a foot and a half.
SPEAKER_04Nice.
SPEAKER_10And I thought that was so fun, and I sh I shut the truck off, put it, you know, put it in park, shut the truck off, went inside giggling to myself at my silliness.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, that's fun.
SPEAKER_10And then I got up in the morning and I was going to work, and I looked at where I just fucking tore up the gravel and I was like, what the fuck did I do that for?
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_10Yeah. When I got home from work, I fucking went out there and I kicked the rocks back into place, and I was like, oh, my neighbors probably think I'm a fucking drunk retard. And I farted At the time you were. I was, and I am all the time. And and I'll throw this in there. Driving buzz is fun. I won't I don't support drunk driving. But if you've had two or three beers and you know you're good, a lot more fun than driving. Not at all that. So it truly is. Don't break the law, but bend it.
SPEAKER_05I got I'm like 0.07 right now. I'm fine. Yeah, dog. If you're blowing under a 0.08, drive it like you do it.
SPEAKER_10Anyway, uh Spooky Spooks is the segment we're still doing. Yeah. Uh we fixed the problem with a good old-fashioned computer reboot vacation. I have a story. I told you about the title. I'm just gonna say it. The title of the story is My Bedroom Constantly Smells Like Farts That Aren't Mine, but I live alone. It is too loud again.
SPEAKER_03That's great.
SPEAKER_05I just want to give you a high sign. I knew you would hear it, but you know. The guy sign. As soon as you hit it before it started playing, I started moving because I was like, oh.
SPEAKER_10My bedroom constantly smells like farts that aren't mine, but I live alone. That's great. Have you ever been scared shitless inside your own home? It's a great way to start off a story. A fart story? Yeah. Were you alone at the time? I lived alone after college, half a country away from my family. What can you do if you're afraid of your apartment? Eventually, no matter how terrified you are, you'll need to go back home. But you'll need to fall asleep. That's the worst part. All of those were separate sentences on their own line. I would wake up to the scent. Foul, plaster splitting clouds of flatulence hung like a thundercloud over my bed. I could almost feel thick ropes. I get damn, dude, it's making me fart. I could almost feel thick ropes of odor curling around my head like a nuzzling cat licking my nostrils before seeping into every pore and draining my teeth again.
SPEAKER_02So fucking overly descriptive of art. Holy fuck, dude. I've never read such beautiful art.
SPEAKER_10Oh man. Oh, I gotta do that again. I would wake up to the scent. Foul plaster splitting clouds of flatulence. Dude, this is the funniest paragraph I've ever read in my life. I swear to fucking god, dude. It's pretty good. It's masterfully written. Foul plaster splitting clouds of flatulence hung like a thundercloud over my bed. I could almost feel thick ropes of odor curling around my head like a nuzzling cat, licking my nostrils before seeping into every pore and staining my teeth a muddy yellow. It's pretty good. God.
SPEAKER_02Damn, bro.
SPEAKER_05Damn. Okay. You went and found the best story. You were like, Jake's got the worst stories covered. I'm gonna find the best story that's ever been written on this website.
SPEAKER_10Well, here's the thing.
SPEAKER_05Because this is the best story I've ever heard. This is a on Reddit.
SPEAKER_10This is an amazing story. However, this is not a good horror story so far. This is a very funny. I just mean good in general. Yeah. Like it's quality writing. It's well written. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. Oh my god. Good find. I had nearly put my feet on the bedroom floor before freezing. Was someone under my bed? I slowly move my legs back onto the mattress, heart pounding. Uh this is me burping, not her. I'm assuming this is a girl? I don't know. I slowly moved my legs back onto the mattress, heart pounding. It had to be in my imagination, right? I must have eaten something that really disagreed with me. Maybe maybe a possum had gotten stuck in the wall right next to my bed, and his festering corpse was spilling out the decaying scent of fresh rot directly into my face. That would be horrifying, to be sure, but people are much scarier than any animal. What was I supposed to do? Stay in bed all day? So I took a deep breath, leapt onto the floor, snatched my phone like a relay baton, and sped out the door. It's gotta be a girl, right? Cause like no self-respecting man would ever be this fucking frightful of the floor.
SPEAKER_05I don't know. I don't know yet. We'll find out.
SPEAKER_10I spent the entire Saturday outside. Having just moved to Washington, DC, I didn't know anyone within a 1,913-mile radius. Most people didn't give a second glance to the girl in Franklin Square. I'm just gonna just give myself a little tilt of the hat. Good job, dude. Good job. Uh, who looked like she'd rolled out of bed and onto the grass. Then the sun went down, and I had to go back home. The fart smell was waiting for me. Knowing that an intruder would likely steal a butcher knife from my grasp, I snatched a fork from the kitchen instead. Stabbing, yeah. With a trembling hand, I lifted my duvet and slowly pointed my cell phone light into the dark recesses beneath my bed. Nothing. Of course there was no intruder. I was being paranoid beyond reason. I laughed softly to myself, then padded to the kitchen to eat yesterday's Panda Express. Nothing can make me feel quite as good as orange chicken. That's why the foul smell, dumbass. Like, you're really uh not seeing where this is going, huh, babe? Uh I opened the door and frowned. It was gone. I was almost sure that the half-eat the I'm I was almost sure that half had been left over from yesterday. There was even a drop of sauce on the shelf. Disappointed, I grabbed a paper towel and wiped away the sauce. That is such a girl thing to do. You think I'm wiping up fucking a drop of fucking orange chicken?
SPEAKER_05Dog.
SPEAKER_10After I've just been frightened by a few- That is seven or eight days away from being a problem for me.
unknownDamn.
SPEAKER_10That is, I set something on top of it, and now it's sticky and annoying. And now I deal with it. You know. Disappointed at Grandpa. When I when I opened the trash can to toss the paper towel, I saw the orange chicken box poking out from beneath the garbage. As though someone had buried it out of sight. Was that the only odd thing? Olivia asked, looking at me like I was a freak. I was talking with Olivia from work. Well, yeah, okay. Because I still hadn't still didn't have any local friends. Well, I responded tentatively, wondering what I should say. Would it be better to downplay the whole situation to appear more normal? Or should I go with the truth in hopes of drumming up sympathy and intrigue? Again, these are very feminine thoughts. No, they are, yeah.
SPEAKER_05Now I would have known even if it wasn't explicitly stated. I would have to say that.
SPEAKER_10Like this is a chick or the gayest dude who ever lived.
SPEAKER_05I would have figured it out by now.
SPEAKER_10No, I answered honestly. I tried to think of a nice way to say things before realizing that there wasn't any. I had left a used, uh, you know. Condom, she blurted. Not since shit. It's been a while. No, it was a tampon, I whispered. Well, I said that really loud. No, it was a tampon, I whispered. Oh, a tampon, she repeated loudly enough to echo across the office.
SPEAKER_02Oh, a tampon from your bloody pussy. I get it now.
SPEAKER_10My face burned. Yes, there was one in the trash. Anyway, my trash can was almost full, so I got up to grab a new liner. By the time I got back to the bathroom, it was gone. Your whole trash can? She gasped. This bitch is retarded. Olivia's a dumb bitch. No, just the tampon. Olivia gagged. Girl, have you checked every inch of your apartment? I sighed. Three times. I live on the third floor and keep my windows sealed, so I don't know what animals I'd even have to look for. She folded her arms and raised an eyebrow. I don't know e fuck. I did I went to scratch my neck and I scrolled all the way back to the top on accident. Uh blue painter's brush, Olivia's retard. I'm following this shit.
SPEAKER_05I'm invested as a muscle.
SPEAKER_10Three times on the third floor, keep the window sealed, she folded her arms. I don't know either, but it seems like you need a different kind of help. She pursed her lips. I might have an extra. Olivia rules, dude. She's like, I got tampons in my purse. You're going crazy, bitch. She turned and plunged into her desk drawer. I didn't know if I'd be more horrified at finding she had a stash of guns or a pile of used tampons, but she pulled out something I never would have expected. Oh no. Saint Joseph protects the home, she explained while holding a candle to me. It had a man's face printed on one side, a halo wreathed on his head. Um thanks, I answered tentatively. You can thank me if that works. You've either got a demon or a person bothering you, and I don't know which is worse. I stared at the candle, which was sitting on the floor by my bed. Since I was too poor to afford a bedside table, we were tied in a staring contest. Alright. You know I don't believe in you, I snapped in a voice that was supposed to sound authoritative. You're not even actually white.
SPEAKER_01It does not say that.
SPEAKER_02I swear to fucking God.
SPEAKER_10Listen, I think of a funny joke here and there, but that shit is verb motherfucking betum. I couldn't have thought that.
SPEAKER_05What the fuck? You're not even actually white. She's first of all, she's talking to Jesus? Yeah. Okay, because St. Joseph and then Jesus.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, she made a leap there, but you're not even actually white. You're a Galilean carpenter from the Jewish Middle East. God damn. Okay. Our uh our fart story lady is uh base. She's uh Tucker Carlson based. The fuck? This is uh oh, this is I see it here at the bottom. It says uh this story was written by what's Charlie Kirk's wife's name?
unknownErica Kirk.
SPEAKER_10Erica Kirk. Couldn't remember her name. Dude, this is one of my new favorite things to do when uh so like when I'm playing video games, sometimes people will just be chatting or whatever, and they'll say something about Charlie Kirk. And I every single time now I always say, never heard of her. Oh, dude, it's so good. It's so good. Because then if they're like, it's not a her, it's a him, and then I'm like, I don't know, I don't get caught up in all that liberal fucking gender stuff. And then they're like, I'm not a liberal, and I'm like, okay. Dude, it's so fun.
SPEAKER_03That's awesome, dude.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, it's it's it's good fun.
SPEAKER_03Oh god.
SPEAKER_10Give you that little nugget to use later on.
SPEAKER_05Oh my god, that's great.
SPEAKER_10Never heard of her. You're a Galilean carpenter from the Jewish Middle East. God, that's so slappy. Uh the candle didn't say anything back, and I felt stupid for talking to a candle. Mm-hmm. Sure. Of course I'm gonna light you, I said in response to the question it didn't ask. What other options do I have? I struck the match with s with shaking fingers, not looking forward to another night of surrendering to unknown sleep. At least you'll absorb some of the farts smell. It's easy to forget this is a story about farts. Yeah. It was a hot dream, very fucking hot. Enough to bleed into the crazy, hazy border between hard dreaming and soft waking. I was uncomfortable. The sheets were drenched in sweat. Flipping over meant my burning torso met the chilly sweat pool, and that jolted me into a sitting position. Fuck, it was so hot. Smoky, too. My sleep-addled brain tried to make sense of what was happening. My room was on fire. Every wall was burning. I realized I realized that I was going to die. I froze for a moment, wondering just how badly it was gonna hurt. Then a flaming ball of fabric landed on my duvet, instantly scorching my skin. I yelped and jumped onto the ground, which burned beneath my feet. I was sprinting before I was thinking, and I quickly found myself running outside into the cool air of the night. She's on the third floor. That's fast. I bet she was she's a track star. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Running downstairs, though, that's easier.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, true. I felt weak enough I felt weak enough as I shivered on the edge of the fire truck, covered only in my pajamas and the blanket they had given me. When the fire captain strode up to me wearing a hundred pounds of equipment. And a stern look on his face, I was ready to melt into the ground. We got the fire out before it threatened any of your uh any other apartments, but you won't be able to go back into yours for a while. He folded his arms. Tell me, did you go to sleep with a lit candle in the room? I was cold, exhausted, embarrassed, and ready to cry by the time I sat down with the police investigators. Look, I'm sorry about the candle, I moaned, as the two men sat down in front of me. It took all my effort to avoid bursting into tears. I've been living here less than two weeks. I know it's my fault, and Claire, you're not in any trouble. The first cop, a flabby man Flabby man, said in a voice that tried unsuccessfully to sound comforting. I finally snapped. Then why am I here? It's been hours. All I want to do is sleep, and have you noticed anything unusual in your apartment, Claire? The second one, older and stern looking, asked gruffly and sexily not added that. Anything seemed uh out of place? Inexplicable, said a cop never fucking ever, ever. My heart instantly clicked into jackhammer. Um, what kind of unusual things? I inquired meekly. They gave each other a knowing look. It lingered painfully long. Finally, I burst. Look! I've been having a really shitty go of things. I'm a long way from my friends and family. I just burned my fucking apartment down. Yes, things have been strange, and now you won't tell me what's going on. I was hyperventilating. Sternkop looked at me pityingly. I stared back on the verge of tears. Sternkop sighed. This was taken in your bedroom, he said, sliding a photograph toward me. My stomach dropped, and I couldn't tell down from up. No, I just I whispered. This isn't possible. Beer Sip, hang on. My mouth is dry, I'm sorry. Yes, Claire. These photos were taken an hour ago. I turned away, but the image was burned into my mind. And now it all made sense. A strange man had been living with me in my apartment for weeks. He'd stolen food from my fridge, duh, and taken tampons out of my trash, ew. He'd been he'd been hiding in a hollowed-out cavity in my box spring, completely unseen. This man was sleeping inches below me every night. Since exiting his cubby hole must have been difficult, he would wait until I left for work and then return before I came home. Tonight, for reasons that only he would know, he had finally decided to emerge while I was sleeping. That's what I had knocked o that's what knocked over the candle. He wasn't able to free himself before the flames had consumed the room. That's why the photo in front of me showed the charred skeleton of a man trapped in the burned remains of my bed frame, with no flesh left on him except for a lump of smoldering scalp and a solitary watching eyeball. End of story.
SPEAKER_05At least once. That was a good story, though. Yeah. It was compelling the whole time. I was not I didn't call it at all.
SPEAKER_10Man, that description of the fart. I have tears in my eyes still from laughing at that. Holy fucking shit. No, that was fantastic. It turns your teeth yellow, it smells so bad. Oh my god. All he did was eat her Panda Express too, which is telling. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05It's given me the diarrhea before though.
SPEAKER_10Oh, for sure. I've been eating a lot of hot dogs lately, and apparently from reports that I've heard from friends of ours that my farts are lethal right now. They are their eyebrow uh melting. Eyelash curling, uh wet, dirty sock farts. From one those are the that's the the word on the street. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Well, I mean I've I've smelled them a couple times before, but not recently, not not the other day. Student clear somehow. Stayed upwind, I guess. Stewart queer. Alright. I got another one. This one's extra short though, so we might we might double dip here, because I have another short one too.
SPEAKER_10Well, uh, I think uh yeah. You know, we're close to time. They're short as fuck. We're close to time, so yeah, it should be fine.
SPEAKER_05They're short as fuck, I'm telling you. There are tunnels under the mall. That's the title. That's it. There's tunnels under the mall. Yeah. Looking for feedback is the flare, so you know, temper your expectations, guys. On the literary genius of this one. I mean, yeah, that's where the Jews hide. Under the mall. Here we go. I've been working in this mall as a security guard. You know, looking at cameras, walking around with them big flashlights. I never understood why. Them big flashlights.
SPEAKER_10It's such a stark contrast and like the the skillfulness of uh prose. Yeah. Between the girl who's scared of the fart man and uh them big flashlights.
SPEAKER_05Walking around with them big flashlights. I never understood why they so damn big.
SPEAKER_06They so damn big.
SPEAKER_05But anyway, I'm gonna assume this is written in the voice of what a Polish man thinks a black security guard sounds like.
SPEAKER_07Oh nice, yeah.
SPEAKER_05Uh with that sentence, I'm gonna assume that. Why they so damn big, but anyway. But anyway, I I can't do a good black voice, but this mall is about to open in like two weeks. They hired me to make sure no one breaks in. I thought I was going to be chasing teens all the time, but it was kinda rare. Dot dot dot. But it was kinda rare? But uh dot dot dot before the question mark. You know, having a new mall that is opening in a few weeks does bring some folks that want to check it out before it opens. I won't lie, I did such things when I was a teen, so when I catch one, I just tell them to don't do it again, or I'll call the cops. Typical shit. I have, though, called the cops once because this kid, it's though THO. Like you would write in a text in a text.
SPEAKER_10That's a good point.
SPEAKER_05Uh and this is all one giant paragraph, by the way, so that's why I am reading slower. Uh fuck. Hold up. Ignore that. Uh I have though called the cops once because this kid broke a window and his buddies ran off leaving him. And he wasn't even the kid who broke it. I gotta confess, the kid looked into my eyes with such sadness, I couldn't. I told him to run off. And when the cops came, I told them he ran off and didn't see his face because he had a mask on. I had a text if they asked about the cameras, but they didn't, so fuck that. I was that's literally what it says. I am not making any of this.
SPEAKER_10That's so cool though. This guy's rad. He's like, I guess fucking kids broke in, and you know, they were the cops didn't ask about the footage, so fuck it.
SPEAKER_05I was chilling in my office. I was kicking with my newport, memphals. I had a text if they asked about the cameras, but they didn't, so fuck that.
SPEAKER_02I was chilling in my office. Cracked open a cool fucking bucket of fried chicken and shit. That's how it feels. It does feel that way.
SPEAKER_05A little bit. Feels like black exploitation. Uh I was chilling in my office, cool place by the way, when I heard a sound coming right beneath me.
SPEAKER_02I couldn't even swallow my drink. All the shit this dude Cool place, by the way.
SPEAKER_03All the shit this dude chooses to keep in the story. No. Like just the little the little additives of flavor.
SPEAKER_10It's just like.
SPEAKER_03Oh fuck.
SPEAKER_10Cool place by the way. I just imagined like a pootie tang. Yeah, right. Pootie Tang the security man.
SPEAKER_05He's got an afro, no doubt.
SPEAKER_10Show.
SPEAKER_05Uh maybe cornrows sometimes.
SPEAKER_07Um. Yeah, this is Luda Luda starring Luda press. I said, move, bitch, get out the way.
SPEAKER_05I'm still the security guard on Saturday.
SPEAKER_02Sure, I'm watching the security cameras, but I'm high as giraffe, pussy.
SPEAKER_05Why don't you roll out of here? I only know word of mouth. Um got him.
SPEAKER_10Alright. I was sitting there eating fried chicken and drinking cold beer. Was it fried chicken and cold cold beer and fried chicken? I can't remember.
SPEAKER_05Chicken and beer is the name of that. Chicken and beer, yeah.
SPEAKER_10I was eating chicken and drinking beer.
SPEAKER_05Yep. Um?
SPEAKER_10I tried, fuckers.
SPEAKER_05I was chilling in my office. Cool place, by the way. When I heard a sound coming right beneath me. You could read that like five times and I'd laugh every fucking time. I was chilling in my office. Cool place, by the way.
SPEAKER_02Cool place, by the way. It's so funny. I was chilling in my office. Cool place, by the way.
SPEAKER_03If he put Jack in here just randomly throughout, that would be that would make it heard some jive turkey coming down the hallway.
SPEAKER_05I was chilling in my office, Jack. Cool place, by the way. When I heard a sound coming right beneath me, I added the beneath. I added the F on it. Of course, of course. Uh anytime there's a TH at the end of a word, I'm gonna hit an F on it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you're doing him some favors.
SPEAKER_05I was eating pizza that I've been waiting for.
SPEAKER_01Oh, I see a pizza.
SPEAKER_02You know, like black folk do. There was chicken on the pizza. It was Dominizzo's up a gizzon. I don't want to Papa John said the M-word. I was like, me too. My favorite rapper, Lil Caesars. Can I get the extra lean crust?
SPEAKER_05What does Little Caesar say on the commercial? Pizza Pizza. Oh yeah, pizza pizza. Yeah, that's not black at all.
SPEAKER_02Uh let's let's go with uh better ingredients, better pussy up in this cool office, by the way.
SPEAKER_05Better ingredients.
SPEAKER_04God damn.
SPEAKER_05I couldn't even think of anything. I started without eating a good one. Damn it, dude. Oh fuck. I was eating pizza when I oh fuck. I was eating pizza that I've been waiting for for a while. So I got a little angry. I took my flashlight. The big one, you know? The big ass flashlight. I took my flashlight. One of them big ones.
SPEAKER_02And went, it was about as big around as my pizza. My big black flashlight, if you know what I'm saying. My mag light, if you will.
SPEAKER_05Um magnum light.
SPEAKER_04My magnum light. Hell yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_05Worth repeating. Okay. Uh fuck. Uh I took my flashlight and went to the hallway. Then I stopped.
unknownDot dot dot.
SPEAKER_05That's a black ellipses. Ellipsies and shit. I'm on the first floor. And there's no base meat. Base. Yeah, base meet. Yeah, that's how it would be. Nice. There's an E in there, Anally. I turn around thinking I'm going to see some ghost, but no, just darkness beside the light from my office. Darkness, everybody. Including me. I walked back and started looking around. Maybe a hidden hatch into a basement. That's just how this Polish motherfucker thinks basement spelled. When I was touching the wall like a fucking idiot.
SPEAKER_02Like a fucking moron.
SPEAKER_04Like a like a goddamn douchebag.
SPEAKER_05Uh okay, like fuck. I went white on that. I went wiggler too hard, because that's what I used to be. When I was touching the wall like a fucking idiot, thinking there's a hidden button would be cool though. I couldn't even keep going. I touched the locker. Where what locker, dude? I touched the locker and it moved a little, meaning two things. The gu uh the guy who made this floor had crosseye. What?
SPEAKER_02Uncle Ruckus looking motherfucker put the lockers in.
SPEAKER_05I don't know. It made the floor have different height, or there's something under it. Oh, or there's okay, my bad, my bad. Let me read that in the tone it's supposed to. I touched the locker and it moved a little, meaning two things. Meaning one of two is what you're trying to do. That's where my tone couldn't possibly be right. Meaning two things. The guy who made this floor had cross eye and made the floor have different height, or there's something under it. Oh. I pushed the locker to the side, and there it is. A motherfucking hatch.
SPEAKER_03It's Daniel L. Jackson. That's what the fuck he's doing here.
SPEAKER_05I swear to God, he had just watched fucking, I don't know, Deep Blue Sea or fucking Die Hard.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, right. I'm tired of these motherfucking hatches and this motherfucking base meet. I'm just trying to do my motherfucking pizza. You know, like us black folk do and shit.
SPEAKER_03We able to afford pizza. Everybody knows that. Papa John take a EBT.
SPEAKER_05Five dollar hot and ready. I said to my door, pleasing thank you. Oh, it's funny because this dude is totally being stereotypical and we're exploiting that.
SPEAKER_02Thank you, mister. Oh, goddamn. This the motherfucker that got tomato thrown at him. He the black friend.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_05Oh, goddamn. Alright. I crouched down and grabbed the handle, ready to check what's inside. Maybe a meth lad. A meth lad. I was trying to do the and then my my eyes went to lad.
SPEAKER_02I was like, I'm gonna fuck up this word too, goddamn. Oh, methys and crack, methys and crack.
SPEAKER_10I'm a lad that loves methys and crack.
SPEAKER_05Maybe a meth lad. Stacks of money or a sex cave.
SPEAKER_02Ooh. TM.
SPEAKER_05Everyone knows of the ubiquitous sex cave. I opened the hatch and pointed my flashlight inside. Capitalized flashlight for some reason. Hell yeah. Just to make sure you remember that it's big. Decapitalized the F. It's the flashlight. A stairway down. Let's hope it isn't to hell. Nor the cache, because that be kinda boring.
unknownWhat the fuck?
SPEAKER_05That's what it is. That be kinda boring. I walked down looking at the wall and ceiling. It's pure stone. Nothing cool. When I finally hit the last step, I pointed at the ceiling.
SPEAKER_02What would have been cool if the ceiling was made of fucking cigarettes? Yeah. What the hell?
SPEAKER_05Right.
SPEAKER_04Fucking cools. Literally cool. Yeah. A O O L cools up there.
SPEAKER_02I went down the stairs and the ceiling was made of 40s, and that was pretty fucking flag.
SPEAKER_05It's pure stone. No.
SPEAKER_02Nothing like nothing like my office, which is pretty cool, but I'm hoping.
SPEAKER_05Then I finally hit the last step. I pointed at the ceiling. There were lights and cables. I looked at the wall and seen a switch. Of course I switched it.
SPEAKER_04This is fucking awesome, dude.
SPEAKER_09What the hell?
SPEAKER_04What could it be? A bomb?
SPEAKER_06A fucking light switch connected to a bomb.
SPEAKER_05The lights didn't turn on. So I guess I have to use my flashlight. You know the big one. He didn't say that part, but you know the big one. You guys know. He didn't capitalize it this time. I walk a little bit, hoping I will walk into a room, but no, there are tunnels under the fucking mall. That's it. That's the story.
SPEAKER_09That's the end of the fucking story.
SPEAKER_05That's the story, dude.
SPEAKER_06It's so dope. It's so badass. There are tunnels under the fucking mall.
SPEAKER_05We got another short one. We gotta we gotta milk this while we're while we're going. Hold on, hold on. I'm gonna piss myself laughing. No.
SPEAKER_09Oh my god.
SPEAKER_05Oh, here we go. Got it, got it, got it. It's another one with long ass paragraphs. It's barely longer than the last one. And I won't have to do the slow black thing either, most likely. Based on the title. Kinda hope so. In this first sentence.
SPEAKER_10I want Samuel Blackguard to come back. Just all of it. Okay.
SPEAKER_05Every time I read, it's that. Okay. Cold case that took me out of retirement.
SPEAKER_10Oh, now we got one of those fucking classic, like, I'm a detective.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, whodunit, dude. We're gonna get local chefs Who Done It. Right here. Man. And the Oh my god. The fucking flare is supernatural.
SPEAKER_10Nice.
SPEAKER_05Alright, here we go.
SPEAKER_02There are tunnels under the fucking mall.
SPEAKER_06That's the craziest ending to a story I've ever heard.
SPEAKER_05Pretty cool place, though.
SPEAKER_10Pretty cool place, by the way. Now I hang out down here and smoke marijuana.
SPEAKER_05I smoke jive cigarettes. Jive cigarettes! Awesome! Under the goddamn Macy's.
SPEAKER_10Jive Sags, dude.
SPEAKER_05Alright, here we go. Alright, I'm just gonna keep doing the black voice. It might not be needed, but if we find out it's not needed, I'll adjust. It's me, Maul Black Guy.
SPEAKER_02God, I've been promoted to detective.
SPEAKER_10Because I found a fucking tunnel under the fucking mall.
SPEAKER_05I done went to the academy and been a beat cop for a couple years. Uh, work my way up the ranks. Um, I'm a detective. Oh my god. Dude, we got I just realized we have to put in requests if we have this. If we write to this guy and have him write us stories, we have to put in requests. We have to be like, what's your take on this? What about this? We have to make contact with him.
SPEAKER_10He is he's as precious as Bob Saggett was.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_10God, he's an a he's a national treasure.
SPEAKER_05He's amazing. I'm a detective. I worked in this field for many years. So I seen some crazy shit. It's gonna work really well.
SPEAKER_10It is, it's working so far.
SPEAKER_05It could have worked in the other fucking stories, except for the one where he says black friend. That would have gotten confusing.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, that one, that one we played it just right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_05I worked in New York.
SPEAKER_10I was at the school and a spider was scary.
SPEAKER_05Sorry. Uh oh my god. I worked in New York, helped the police and the people, you know, murders, cheaters, and etc.
SPEAKER_06And etc.
SPEAKER_03Said no one ever.
SPEAKER_05Oh, god damn it. What cheaters? Cops don't deal with cheaters? That doesn't make sense. It's more like a private. Like maybe con men, I think is what he's thinking. I don't know. I worked all over the states. Hell, even in the UK. No one they don't do that. Cops don't work in the UK. I worked over I worked for over 30 years. But I got shot twice by some madman I was chasing. He cheated on his wife. I thought This dude doesn't know what laws are. I know, dude. I thought his wife would be the one shooting.
SPEAKER_10Hey, you lawbreaker who had sex outside of marriage.
SPEAKER_05I thought his wife would be the one shooting. He shot me in my hip and chest, so it's both hard to walk and breathe.
SPEAKER_02That's some beautiful deeds.
SPEAKER_05So straightforward. I had to go into retirement. It sucked. I love my job, but I won't lie. Being in Italy isn't so bad. I came back two months ago, and being home all the time kind of sucks. Hey Mario, make me a motherfucking pizza. Cause we like that. I don't know if you heard. It's our shit now. I walk past my office thinking maybe I can still do it. But then my leg feels like it's gonna fail on me. So I walk on barely. But one day, when I was watching TV, I heard a noise coming right from my office. I turn my head and see something black just walk right into my office normally. Oh wait, that's a mirror. Oh wait. Oh wait, that's my son. Jamal Jr. Uh no. Sam Jr. I yeah, right, right, right. Samuel L. Jackson.
SPEAKER_10Samuel L. Jr. is awesome.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. I like that. I stood up. Well, took me a minute because of my leg.
SPEAKER_06Because remember when I got shot in the hip.
SPEAKER_05I finally stood up. I grabbed my pistol. I always keep on me. At home just chilling at your head. When I'm watching TV, you can't be too careful watching re-ro reruns of Martin. Anyway, I I walk. When got to my got to the door of my office, I looked inside. It's dark, like you were looking right in the black hole. I slow in the black hole, the one. The only um I guess he means the the Milky Way galaxy.
SPEAKER_10It's the flashlight, it's the black hole.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, yeah. I slowly reach out my hand to turn on the light, and then I turn on the light and I and put the gun forward, but it's empty. Oh. Maybe I'm just imaging stuff. Probably after the skin and man case.
SPEAKER_01What the fuck, dude?
SPEAKER_05I I sigh and walk inside, looking around, remembering the good times and bad. Mosty bad, you know. How many bad endings there are. I was about to leave, but then my computer made a ding sound. Someone sent me an email. Didn't I turn off the sound? This place is haunted, I swear. I walk over to my desk.
SPEAKER_02So clearly it's haunted.
SPEAKER_05It's not. I I know I don't need no goddamn updates, Bill Gates. Uh this place is haunted, I swear. I walk over to my desk and sit down and I check the email. It that's that's the end of that paragraph. My game cast turned on. Hello, Joseph Dobrowski. Okay, that's not a black guy, but still. Hello, hello, Daquan Dobrowski. I know that you are in retirement, but I really need your help. I tried to contact other detectives, but no one wants oh, this isn't a different voice anyway. But no one wants to help me. Please reach out on this email and I'll tell you the rest from Annabana at gmail.com. Annabanana Banana. And I guess I could click on that and email annabana at gmail.com. Damn. I looked at my monitor, kind of confused. It's me, Samuel L. Mikowski. It's my voice again. I looked at my monitor, kind of confused. This person sent me this email on my main account and not my work email. But that quickly got washed away when I could be a detective again. I thought for a little bit and send an email back. Hello, I see that you have reached as far as to get my main Gmail. Meaning you need help. So please tell me everything.
SPEAKER_02I bring a whole new meaning to Gmail. It's more like OG mail.
SPEAKER_05Lady, tell me who I had tell me who I gotta kill. I started saying had, and I was like, no, no, no, no too proper, too proper. I send the Gmail. I could have wrote, I could have wrote it more professional, but I'm in retirement and black. I said that part. But in retirement, and I don't give a fuck. That's almost as I was about to get up to make some tea, but then she sent me an email.
SPEAKER_10To make some tea.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_10Oh, yeah, because he's in uh he's in Italy now.
SPEAKER_05Uh no, I think he's home. He's back home now. Italy is the espresso, so that doesn't even make sense. He's back home again now, I think. I if I followed it right, I don't know. Thank you very much. No, it's her.
SPEAKER_03Thank you very much, Mr. Joseph. That you are willing to help me. I'll get into the details. I live in a small town in Texas, and our people are dying, and it's no killer nor flu. Our people are dying, and you might help us with finding out what's going on. The closet police. And miles from here, we have a fire department. Oh, okay. That was a sentence that didn't get finished there.
SPEAKER_07No.
SPEAKER_03Then do both firemen and police work around here. That's how bad it is. So please help us. Hear my number and address if you welling to help us, in which you are. By the way, I think it is the Mexicans in which you are.
SPEAKER_05That's great. That's a great ending. In which you are. I know you are willing, welling to help me. Right. God damn. There's the typos trip me up, and then I make a fucking weird noise. Sorry about that, guys. I really heard that when I did that. I was like, God, that was cringy. Okay. She wrote down all the info. I looked it up, but there was nothing. Like, not even a house, just nothing. Is this person trying to mess with me? Or maybe Google didn't update that area? I don't know. But this is making me a little suspicious. But like we live once, right? But but Texas is also far. Hmm, I don't know. So I just reply with a quick reply. Okay, thank you. I be in contact. I get up with a pain in my hip, like it got worser or something. Maybe making fun of old people wasn't a good idea. I walked to the kitchen making myself tea on the way to the kitchen. Uh I feel something weird. And by tea, I mean a cognac. Shannon Sharp's cognac. Uh I feel something weird. Like there's something with me in the house. My head then started spining as voices started talking. Come to me. I miss you. They stopped after a bit. Damn, I really need to take my meds. That's such a wrinkle to throw in this part of the story.
SPEAKER_10And now all of a sudden he's a fucking schizo.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. After a bit, I've decided that I'm going. I want to feel like a detective again. I started packing my bags. I probably will be there for a couple of days, maybe a week. While I was packing on my bed, I felt a chill go down my whole body. I looked into my mirror that is facing the door. Then I see it. A head looking at me, its neck straight, meaning that the body is on the wall. I swole I slowly I slowy reach down for my gun. But then that thing looked right into the mirror. Now looking into my eyes. I turn around and face my pistol at the door, but it's gone.
SPEAKER_10What if uh what if because of the slowy thing? Yeah. I was like, what if we switch to I woke around away. I point my pistol at the wall. I checked the I can't. Let's do that next time. I literally detective again.
SPEAKER_05I checked the hallway and I walked to my bathroom. And I grabbed my meds, took them, and swell we walked back. I sit down on my toilet and close my eyes. I f that feeling like something is in my house hasn't left. After a bit, I went to my bedroom, finished packing, and walked up. Um walked downstairs. Turning off the the lo Goddamn turning off the lights. I can't even do it now. Turning off the lights and walking outside.
SPEAKER_10So many different places.
SPEAKER_05I locked, I gotta go back to black, dude. Back to black. ACDC said it. We're going back back in black. Back to black. Uh turning off the lights and walking outside. I locked the door and went to my car. Open the trunk, place my stuff. Before closing it, I looked up at my window, expecting something to be in my room. But it was empty. I closed the trunk and went to my car. You already at your car? I've been driving for hours there. I mean there there is no punctuation. It's very hard to figure out where the sentence is in. I've been driving for hours. There are no gas stations around here, so I had to pull over to take a piss in the forest. I'm in my car right now, about to drive. I'll update when I'm there. So it's like the Reddit thing where you oh okay, so there's gonna be uh there's gonna be a part two. There is a story that has a part one and part two for next time.
SPEAKER_10Nice. If a black man pisses in the forest, is there anyone around to try to collect child support?
SPEAKER_05Does he always get poison oak on his dick? Or poison ivy, whichever one is on the ground. Oh man. Yeah, dog.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, dude. I'm exhausted after all.
SPEAKER_05Local chef, dude.
SPEAKER_10He's the man.
SPEAKER_05He hasn't posted in two weeks.
SPEAKER_10Cooking up some fucking heaters.
SPEAKER_05I hope this isn't a situation where local chef, these are his masterworks. Yeah. Like this is the only shit he's willing to share. I hope it's not a situation like that. And I we need to craft the email together and probably send it like on the show or on the Patreon or something. Like, like do it on a recording so that we're not only can we just mine more content out of it. Yeah, milk it a little bit like content drones, but also it it I'm sure that part of it will be very fun and rewarding for the people who've heard his stories and shit.
SPEAKER_10Yeah. Well, we we have to figure out an angle where we can somehow convince him that we need more of his stuff. We're willing to maybe come out of pocket a little bit for it if need be, but never reveal to him. You know, like we have to like be like, yo, we fucking love your stories. We've been reading them on our show week after week. We do not want to influence your creative process in any way. So we can't tell you what the name of the show is. So like we're gonna have to go either use one of our personal emails or create a new one, like a burner email.
SPEAKER_05Let's create a fart mouth burner, dude. Just to wreak havoc with and talk to this guy.
SPEAKER_10Yeah. And and try to try to get a little bit of exclusivity, bro. And you know, we'll be like, you you're perfect, you're totally uh free, even post-payment, to post these on Reddit if you want to, but we want exclusive first access to these. Yeah. And we want to get you on uh a schedule of one a month. You send us a new story.
SPEAKER_05At least. At least one month. That's like that's minimum. I say I say we try for two a month. These are stream of consciousness stories, obviously. It's it's good. This mother is not if this mother I I kind of we all I have so many ideas. We have to ask them about their process. We gotta because that's gonna be funny as fuck. Like we have to ask them questions. We have to interview them a little bit in the emailing process.
SPEAKER_10I think that the uh the ultimate conclusion to this would be once we feel like we've milked it far enough and and the the the cow is dry, we gotta be like, alright, you know, I think we we've gone far enough with this, we're gonna move on to greener pastures and such. Let's uh do you want to set up an interview where like you'll come on our show and we can talk to you about your writing process and stuff? Because the thing is, as as hard as we're gonna try to keep it straight, there's gonna we're gonna be giggling and eventually the cat's gonna come out of the bag.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. And you know, like I I mean, we might as well tell him once once we're gonna actually have him on the show, we might as well tell him. Yeah, I don't want him to feel bad because either, but he's gonna like be able to figure it out once he comes on the show, you would think.
SPEAKER_10Yeah. I don't know. I don't know how to I don't know how to do it.
SPEAKER_05We'd have to do a burner Discord or a burner, you know what I mean? We'd have to do that whole thing.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, I just well we would just do StreamYard. Yeah, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just I don't I don't want to make this guy feel bad at all because it's not even like we're making fun of him. It's just like he's so clueless to so many things that it's not even his fault.
SPEAKER_05Because he's foreign. Right. That's and I think that should that could be the crux of what we tell him. Like, dude, the stories are not like honestly, I uh we would love the ideas of the a lot of the stories. It's the it's that you you know, because it's your second language, all we could never even remotely write a story in Polish.
SPEAKER_10If you try to get me to write a story in Polish, it would be way worse.
SPEAKER_05Way worse. It wouldn't even make sense half the time. Yeah. Like half the paragraphs would be like, oh, oh, oh, okay, I I see now, okay. Now we're at the mall.
SPEAKER_06Okay, well, didn't realize tunnels under the fucking mall.
SPEAKER_05It would be insane. Uh, there's no way it wouldn't be anywhere near this coherent. So you're better than we could ever have done at a second language already, but like try to, you know, gas him up some, deservedly so, like justifiably so, gas him up. But be like, it's funny to us in our language, how some things translate. Yeah, that's that's the crux of what we could tell him. Is like that's why it's you know, we find it interesting and funny, be and it's you know, I don't know how to say that nicely.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, like it's funny. How do you tell somebody that they are unintentionally the funniest fucking story writer ever? Like it is such a compliment to be able to write something in a funny way, but man, when you're not doing it on purpose, it's gotta feel bad, even though it is awesome. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, fuck. Yeah, Samuel L. Black son. Dude. Fuck, dude.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, I mean, and we are poking fun at the logic and the stories and shit, obviously, pointing out every little thing, which of course he could do with the stories we wrote.
SPEAKER_09Sure.
SPEAKER_05And I would welcome that, and I would publish that on the Patreon.
SPEAKER_10We're we're definitely willing to accept constructive criticism or even deconstructive criticism. I don't care.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. I would I would be willing to offer him that.
SPEAKER_10We've been putting our shit out on the internet long enough. If you don't have thick enough skin to take a little bit of criticism, it is what it is.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. I mean, uh, we could just fucking post that randomly on a Monday. And here's here's local chefs review of our stories. Yeah. Yeah, pick us apart, man. Yeah. I would do that because we've done what we've done with him. If we were to tell him, that's the route, if we were to tell him. If we even go that route. If we don't, if we don't, then we don't. And then it's all it's just funny, and he'll never know. And we but I don't know.
SPEAKER_10I kind of want to keep him innocent forever, even when we're done with him.
SPEAKER_05Okay.
SPEAKER_10I don't know. I it was a fun thought to to interview him because I think it would be really good content. But I don't know if I'm willing to destroy this this beautiful, perfect man.
SPEAKER_05He's gonna bother us about wanting to listen to the show if we tell him it's for a show.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, we gotta come up with an angle.
SPEAKER_05We gotta come up with a better story, a better lie that is not we have a show that we're reading your stories on. Dude, I think.
SPEAKER_10What if we're like because they got a bunch of those like free blog sites so you can be like, oh, you know, uh scary corner.blogspot.net and get one of those going and be like, hey, we're we've got a new horror blog uh that we do, and we really like your stories, and we want to publish them to our blog to get more views on your Reddit stories.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, okay. It's a little bit manipulative, but here's the issue. The issue with any of this is as much as I don't want to crush him about his stories, I also don't want to give him false hope that he's gonna be like a fucking accomplished published writer in English. Uh I don't want to because like depending this kid might be a kid, he might be 16, we don't know. And uh uh longtime listeners will know that I prefer that. Uh but oh I think uh I don't know.
SPEAKER_10We just hey duh. We just like his stories. We'll pay you to write more so we can read them.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_10We as I I like your stories a lot, sir.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_10Please write more. If I have to, I will pay you.
SPEAKER_05Do you have any more you can just send me?
SPEAKER_10Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_10Yeah. I'm just a guy on Reddit that likes your shit. Duh.
SPEAKER_05Boom.
SPEAKER_10Keep it easy and simple. Boom.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. That way there's no expectation of fame and fortune.
SPEAKER_10It's just one guy. One guy likes my shit. Okay. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_05I'll send him more. Just like you could even to sauce it up, you could be like, I've shown a couple of my buddies too. It's kind of a thing. You know what I mean? Like just whatever details make sense to have.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_05I've sent a couple to my friend, something like that. True. Where it's like low stakes still, but higher stakes than he's had thus far. There's a couple of people.
SPEAKER_10Nice.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_10Yeah. I like that. Keep it as simple as possible. Yeah. Less complicated equals more believable.
SPEAKER_05Yep. And the and the language barrier as well. He might not even understand exactly what we're saying. So let's keep it simple, you know? For him.
SPEAKER_08Comrade, I love your story. Help me learn English.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_05We might make a we he might be third Mike for all we know.
SPEAKER_10Good lord. I hope so.
SPEAKER_05What if he is black?
SPEAKER_10Black Polak. That's great. That would be crazy. What a magnificent fucking rabbit hole to just bathe in, man. That's great. Lovely. Local chef.
SPEAKER_05Cooking him up. What a bro.
SPEAKER_10Yeah.
SPEAKER_05And we also I hope he gets all the pussy, dude. We also have me too. I hope he's just dripping in person.
SPEAKER_10For sure, yeah.
SPEAKER_05Polish pussy.
SPEAKER_10Hot fucking Eastern European snatch, dude. They got some of the hottest bitches in the world over there.
SPEAKER_05Just Polish pussy. This dude is just raking in.
SPEAKER_10I hope he gets the blakest pussy in the whole world. Ebony fucking rip all over his cook. Um another story. As a reminder, again, we're gonna start reading Spotify comments on the show every week. Leave a Spotify comment. Let us know what you think in general. Yeah. Uh or if you just want you got a funny thing to say, I'll read it out loud. Even if it's something mean about me, I'll do it. I don't care. Um especially if it's about Jake. If you have mean stuff to say about Jake, I'm gonna censor it a little bit. Or maybe worse, depending on the mood I'm in. Oh, okay. Um but yeah. Thanks, thanks for everybody for listening. You're the best. And um we'll catch you next time.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_10And I'm stalling a little bit because I can't remember.
SPEAKER_05Just play an old parody. Who cares? Uh play an old Christmas parody.
SPEAKER_10I was just gonna do oh, here we go.
SPEAKER_05Uh that would be kind of funny. Yeah.
SPEAKER_10Um, what was the other thing? Any of those. What was the other? There was uh Leave Spotify comments. Yeah. Right. Uh that's really it. I don't know.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. Do not send us your horror stories because they're not gonna be as good as local chef.
SPEAKER_10Or try. Hey, you know? I guess you could try. Maybe they b maybe they are really bad. I don't know. Send us stuff. I love you. Send us bad ones. Or good ones. We might not read it on the show. Thank you for coming. We love when you do. We hope it's consensual, cause we're coming to. If you wanna hear me without a beep. Subscribe on Patreon and we'll be showing me. I had a song I was gonna play at the end, but the internet on the thing is out. There's this uh if you guys want to look this up, it's it's so fucking awesome. Look up Jamaican Pastor accidentally makes a drum and bass hit.
SPEAKER_05Oh, nice, okay.
SPEAKER_10Dude. Under the blood That's so good. It's so good. Okay. It made me want to praise Jesus and such. Hell yeah, dude. Okay, bye.