Fartmouth
The most raunchy, stupid, and irreverent comedy podcast on the internet. The podcast equivilent of getting a lobotomy.
Fartmouth
314 - Deepthroat 55 Hotdogs
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This week's show features...
WYR: EXTREME
Thyler's Top 5 - Struggle Meals
So what you're telling me is you're ready.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_03You're like a hundred percent ready to start the show.
SPEAKER_01If you hit the buttons like you normally do, yes.
SPEAKER_03You're not gonna fuck up the intro song. Oh, I could fuck up the intro song, but but like not in a way that is outside of the norm.
SPEAKER_01Right. I'll I'll get the joke out, it just might not be on time exactly.
SPEAKER_03I'm putting my faith in you. Okay. Are you ready? Yeah. Okay.
SPEAKER_00The following filth is a production of the format university chip chip and your generals department. Thank you for listening.
SPEAKER_03I did the not purpose. Hey, listen, guys.
SPEAKER_00It's a comedy show, okay? We're gonna do it for real. The following filth is a production of the format university chip chip and your generals department. Thank you for listening.
SPEAKER_01Make an April Fool's joke makes you a giant queen for university. Yeah, that's not a judgment of everyone who makes April Fool's jokes, but they have to be like top fucking notch for you to do it.
SPEAKER_03There's a certain, like, yeah, it's gotta it's gotta be just right.
SPEAKER_01And it's one of those, like, when you see it, yeah, you know, like when you say a slur in mixed company, it's gotta be in the perfect moment.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. If it's mixed company, it's like you gotta say like mulatto, mud blood, you know, something like that, where it makes sense for the group that you're in.
SPEAKER_02Okay, got it.
SPEAKER_03Because they're mixed. Yeah, he gets it. Yep. Like cake batter. Yeah. Anyway. Now I'm not I'm not a huge fan of April Fool's jokes. I some people posted them on Facebook. I just went on our bands page and just typed Gaprol Fools and posted it. Nice. I'm not gonna anyway. Welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast. Uh just a disclaimer, I wrote this earlier today and I can't remember what it says. I'm gonna read it in real time for you guys. Nice, nice. A show whose host recently I misremembered what it was. A show whose host recently took a diarrhea that looked like Jesus. Talk about a holy shit. Oh man. I can't believe I wrote that down and decided to say it out loud. That's so fucking gay.
SPEAKER_01Uh I thought for sure.
SPEAKER_03I remember when I wrote it, I was like, Jake's gonna do that noise. I almost recorded myself doing it as like a premonition so that I'd have it queued up on my phone, and when you did it, I would be like, I predicted you would do that. See, and then play it. I should just keep that on my phone anytime I make a fucking cringe gay joke like that. If it's a cringe wigger joke, you gotta go. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, everyone could do everything. We made each other laugh entirely. I'm Jake. And we're gonna get on into the show because we got a couple segments for y'all bitches. Yeah, we do. Um we do, we have a little uh little janitorial work to take care of.
SPEAKER_01Oh shit.
SPEAKER_03I think.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_03I forget what people call that. Housekeeping. Housekeeping. I like janitorial better. That's good, yeah. Got a little got a little shit to mop up right quick. Um, Jake and I had a a little bit of a convo last week about this. Wanted to get some thoughts from the audience.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Loud noises.
SPEAKER_01Um should we quote movies on the show?
SPEAKER_03I love Lamp. Um Baxter. We uh we talked a little bit about maybe switching up the format just a hair.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And because the main segments that we do these days is pretty much just a rotation of would you rather the top five lists, fuck you piece of shit, and spurgy spooks. Right. And we thought about trying to figure out a way to condense all of those segments into doing all four of them every week. Yeah. I think it'll be really hard to cap that at an hour. I think we'll probably average about an hour and twenty. Yeah. If we do that, yeah. Which is fine. There's nothing wrong with that. I mean, what are you guys gonna complain about? More content too long and fucking funny, and I hated that. Um my other problem with it is I don't want any of the segments to feel stale. Which I mean, goddamn, we've been doing would you rather for five years now. And I I still don't think it feels quite stale. Uh that especially after we did the switch up where we, you know, force ourselves to think within a certain topic. Yeah. Um, and fucked up shit happens to Jake all the time, and I'm a petty little baby bitch, so we've always got fresh fuck you piece of shit. And we usually save those, you know, we do that segment maybe once a month or so. Cause we wait for gay shit to happen that pisses us off. Um I have been absolutely furious about headlights, dude. And never in my life have I been more frequently fucking pissed off by headlights.
SPEAKER_02Oh, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03And I don't know if it's my OCD autism fixation on shit where like one thing bothers me and now it bothers me all the time. But every fucking time I drive and it's even remotely dark at night, I have blaring hot, white, hot, burning fucking bright lights in my eyes, and it's driving me up a wall. Yeah. Any goddamn way.
SPEAKER_01I feel it. They suck. Uh my thinking on this, because I brought the idea up. So my thinking on this was that like each week it's a different amount of each, you know? But like sometimes, this has happened several times, it'll be like, ah, I have this fuck you piece of shit, and we wait until we just save it for the next week or whatever. Right? We've we've done that a lot, actually. But like where like we can't, we don't have enough time or whatever. So like if if we could like one week, it would be like the would you rather? It's like we I guess we we could trade off who does the that's what I was thinking, the theme, and then it's one each, and then the fuck you piece of shit could almost be like a if we got one kind of a thing. Okay, maybe we don't do it every week, okay. But and then throughout the show, we might think of something that we should have thought of as a fuck you piece of shit. I've done that a few times, true, and be like impromptu fuck you piece of shit, blah blah blah. Yeah, so then fuck you piece of shit is like an any time, like it could happen, or and we could plan it for some episodes, but we always do a would you rather? We can always switch the order of this shit too, obviously. Sure. Top fives, those are easy to come up with. Hard to come up with good ones, but easy to come up with one that we can at least have a banter about. And then uh fucking the stories. Boy, have I hit the gold mine of of stories. That gave that that's what prompted the whole idea. Was I was thinking, like, man, I could read one of these every week, and it would be a laughably fucking funny thing for the next 10 to 12 weeks with the stories I have.
SPEAKER_03Jake hit a gold mine with the stories, and that gave me this idea. What if the way that it works is we each have one would you rather every week? Then I always have a top five list, and then you always have a story, and if we if one of us has a fucky piece of shit, we squeeze it in. So it's like you always have a story, I always have a top five, we always have one would you rather each.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_03So like I pick your topic, you pick my topic, you write one, I write one. So right now we do two each. Right. Instead, it would go down to one each. Yeah. So that trims a little bit of time. I do my top five, which can go long. It could usually it's about 20 minutes or so.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um, and then that story's gonna be like 20 minutes, and we got a show. Boom. And if there's a fuck you piece of shit, it's from an hour, now it's an hour twenty. Yeah. Whatever.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I think I think that's a a a good way to balance it out. And you know, maybe one week I'm like, man, I don't feel like writing a top five. You do a top five, I'll find a story.
SPEAKER_01Right. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And we'll do that for a while, and then we'll switch it up again because we do whatever the fuck we want, because who cares?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but I think that could be a fresh thing. And it it's enough that you do have to think about it a little bit through the week, you know? Yeah. Maybe, but you could also get it done in an hour before the show. It also wanted to, not even an hour.
SPEAKER_03That's you every week I all my shit is done an hour before the show. Yeah. Because I get off work. I get off work an hour before you do. So I get home. Now that I live close, it's so perfect, dude. If I buy beer ahead of time, I just go home, I eat, I write all my shit for the show. I grab the beers out of the fridge and I drive over here. Grab my laundry for now. Um But it gives me time to write. I don't I can focus on work when I'm at work and I don't have to I don't have to think about shit like before. Anyway, um Yeah, I forgot what I was gonna say. I had a thing I was gonna say.
SPEAKER_01Well, you want to start it next week then?
SPEAKER_03Oh, the the the other plus to this is what I thought. Oh, okay. We don't have to because we both fucking forget to talk about it throughout the week, and then it's literally the day of the show, and at lunchtime we're messaging each other like, what segments do you want to do this week? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we have to fucking come up with it all the same day. If we know one would you rather each, we'll just text each other about the topic, and then I know I have to write a top five every week, which I know I can do, and you've got the plethora of stories. Yeah. Um I think uh let's let's see what people say. Okay, next week we'll do Spurgy Spooks to spoil it for you people that like to be surprised.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um, we'll just do that for the whole episode.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03And then uh we'll read the Spotify comments.
unknownYep.
SPEAKER_03Patreon comments if you don't feel like opening Spotify, or if you don't listen on Spotify, comment on the Patreon. You can just find a f there's free episodes on the Patreon, by the way. You don't have to sign up for money if you want to comment on there. Just go to one of the old free ones and comment on there and we'll see it. Yeah. Or you can just message us. I think that's free as well. Just follow the show for free and message us like I don't want to hear this segment anymore. And I'll be like, You don't even pay us a dollar. Eat my shorts.
SPEAKER_01We also have Facebook.
SPEAKER_03True.
SPEAKER_01Or and a YouTube channel.
SPEAKER_03I'm not gonna check the Facebook.
SPEAKER_01I'm not gonna check either of those things. I haven't opened the Facebook in two years.
SPEAKER_03Maybe next week, check it. You know. Listen, if you don't want us to read your idea, put it on the Facebook.
SPEAKER_01If you want to check it next week before the show.
SPEAKER_03If you want a fucking shot, you're better off going to the Twitter because at least Jake looks at that sometimes. That's true.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, hit our Twitter up. That's like five options. More things going on on there.
SPEAKER_03I'm never gonna pay for it, but you've got five options now. That's more than you need, guys. Yeah. Patreon or Twitter or YouTube or Spotify. That's enough. Okay, it's enough.
SPEAKER_01Or our email. Uh no, I'm just kidding. Don't.
SPEAKER_03Or just don't. If you don't care what we do and you just want us to do whatever the fuck we feel like doing, just don't say anything. Yeah. That's fine.
SPEAKER_01We'll do this for like two or three weeks, maybe, or maybe more.
SPEAKER_03Hey, if you don't vote, whatever, if you don't offer your opinion, we'll just assume you want us to do whatever we feel like doing. So there's gonna be a lot of votes in favor of doing it. Yeah. If anyone's very, very vocally against it, then I guess we'll consider not doing it. Yeah. But probably still if we if it's somebody we don't really know, then we'll probably just be like, hey man, you should have you should have been our friend first, because now we don't really care that much what you think. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I think while we have this fucking mine of stories, it makes sense to do them more frequently.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, regardless, we're gonna do Spurgy Spooks probably every other episode if this doesn't pass.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. At least, yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah.
SPEAKER_03For a hot minute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's such a good segment. If you don't like that segment, there's something wrong with you, dude. I haven't I literally almost passed out laughing last week. Legitimately, I was on the verge. I could not breathe.
SPEAKER_01Both of this dude's stories have been fantastic. I can't wait. There's one that has detective in the title. There's a little titalizing titular. Damn, dude.
SPEAKER_03I'm titillated. Tyler's titillated today.
SPEAKER_01I think it's tantalizing, but still. Uh I'm I mean, I made up a word, I think. Is it? I think titillated's a word. Titalizing. Is that a word? I think I combined two words.
SPEAKER_03I don't know about that one.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna start saying it though.
SPEAKER_03Uh you ready to get titalized, you bunch of fucking spurgs? We're the titalizers, bro. We have uh not spurgy spooks this week because we did it last week. Nope. Next week, though. But we do have an oldie but a goodie. Play the thing. Come on! I pressed the button. Would you rather um we have would you rather extreme? I feel like it maybe that one was a little too quiet. It fucked with the volume for the show this week. Would you rather it didn't get me that excited? Usually it's like in your fucking face.
SPEAKER_01It's probably clips in people's cars and they think they've been in a wreck. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Let's try it one more time. Yeah. Would you rather?
SPEAKER_01Now turn it back down so that you Yeah. Just would you rather has to have some that one's gotta have some balls, dude.
SPEAKER_03I wish I gotta f I there's probably a way to fix it on the thing, but I'll fuck with it later. Anyway, we've been too much janitor stuff. Oh no.
SPEAKER_01Did you delete your would you rathers?
SPEAKER_03No, I only wrote one. Ah I was so confident. That's great. Here's what we're gonna do.
SPEAKER_01You only wrote yours for yours?
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I forgot to write yours. Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna do mine first this time. We usually do yours first.
SPEAKER_00Sure, sure, sure.
SPEAKER_03And I'm gonna find a moment to write mine. I'm gonna be in the back. I'm gonna put neutral brain. I'm gonna put my passive thinking cap on. Just gonna let me vamp, huh? And I'm gonna I'm gonna think. All right. While you're talking, I'm gonna I'm gonna think about it. I'm gonna think of what I'm gonna do, and then I'm gonna make you repeat everything.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. You're gonna be like, what? Okay, let me explain Tony Hawk again.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Let me explain Mendoza again, bro.
SPEAKER_03A little Tony intermission.
SPEAKER_01Mendoza's Pro Day was today, and I didn't talk about it on the Patreon. Aren't you proud that I resisted?
SPEAKER_03Honestly, I'm gonna I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you. When you don't talk about football on the Patreon, I forget that it exists.
SPEAKER_01It's a world completely separate, it's an entire universe separate from mine.
SPEAKER_03I just there's only so many thoughts that you can have in a day. Yeah. And all of mine are about pussy and runescape.
SPEAKER_01It's about, I mean, it's like 0.2% of mine are about the readers, but you know what I mean? Daily thoughts, probably. That's probably like 2%. It's a lot, it's a full two.
SPEAKER_03It's way more than 2%. It's a solid 14%. No. Yes, it is.
SPEAKER_01No way.
SPEAKER_03It is.
SPEAKER_01Of thoughts I have, no. How only because I'm reminded of it on Reddit.
SPEAKER_03And Twitter.
SPEAKER_01You know, like that's that's big. And Facebook. That's big. That's a huge part of why I'm keeping up with all of it. Anyway.
SPEAKER_03Anytime you engage with social media, you have been thinking about the Raiders.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_03I want to do mine first. Yours of mine.
SPEAKER_01Because I feel like because that give also gives you more time to do yours. If I go first both times.
SPEAKER_03What's my topic this week?
SPEAKER_01Your topic is mushrooms. That is correct. I took it to mean the type that you get fucking high on that you trip with.
SPEAKER_03That's the great thing about the would you rather topics. You can interpret it however you want as long as you come up with a good would you rather scenario.
SPEAKER_01You didn't say magic mushrooms. You just said mushrooms. But I took it to mean magic because that's a fun thing to make a would you rather out of. It's a little bit the first thing. It's definitely the first thing that you that pops into your head when you hear mushrooms when you're us. True. But like, yeah, you know, if if you're 80 years old, that might not be the first thing that you think of when someone says mushrooms.
SPEAKER_03You're like, if you're 80 years old and you're listening to the show, dude, figure out how to talk to us.
SPEAKER_01Dude, and I love, and your drum parts are not bad. Uh that's a Patreon card. Hargain to the Patreon. Patreon, sorry. The Patreon. The Patreon. Patreon. I'm gonna start calling it that.
SPEAKER_03I've hearkened back to the Patreon. You're super country for the rest of the episode, and I'm super British. I've hearkened back to the Patreon. Would you rather, Tyler? Alright, we're both giving up on that bit. Right now, I you don't like it. I demand that we do not do it anymore.
SPEAKER_01You realize I'm gonna go Jeff Foxworthy with it, and you don't want it for the rest of the episode?
SPEAKER_03I just actually I'm cool with you doing that the whole time. I thought about having to do a fake gay British accent for the next 45 minutes, and I pictured myself killing myself because of it.
SPEAKER_01Like a second you or you just committing suicide?
SPEAKER_03I had to use a knife because I was British and we don't have guns over there.
SPEAKER_01I jumped off of the big men or whatever. I don't know.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, the London bridge was falling down with my fat ass on it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I was the cause.
SPEAKER_03I took a bath in the River Times, and I never came back up for air. It's spelled themes, goddammit. Get it right.
SPEAKER_01Uh alright, so would you rather? Take five dried grams of mushrooms, wait an hour, and go into a boring old white people church, like at service time, you know? Mm-hmm. For like, and it's like one of the really bad ones that's like an hour and a half, right? Mm-hmm. And it's all it's hellfire and brimstone, it's bad. It's like one of the shitty white people churches, but it's like old people. Like you don't even get entertaining music, you know? That's what I'm getting at. Uh or lick, let's say a handful of peanut butter off of a hobo's nutsack in July. So he rubs it on, he applies it, you just have to get it off there.
SPEAKER_03This is this is my problem with this scenario. Okay. I had to really think about the words I was trying to use here. I personally I I'm personally objecting. Oh, your internet just went out. I just want you to know that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I did.
SPEAKER_03Um my phone told me.
SPEAKER_01When it's hot outside, it's spotty. I I need to get the fucking fiber.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_01I need them. I need them to run a new line.
SPEAKER_03We need you need fiber up in this joint.
SPEAKER_01I need them to run a new line.
SPEAKER_03Jawn. That's what's gonna happen. That's one of my things, one of the things I like from you know, like uh slang that people don't use as much anymore. Uh-huh. This John. Yeah. J-A-W-N. I like that one a lot.
SPEAKER_01I like joint when people say it's not bad.
SPEAKER_03Jawn is such a specific and particular time, like it's a it's a time capsule word. Right.
SPEAKER_01Uh I think they still use it in Philly, right? Probably.
SPEAKER_03I think most people are garbage. Who gives a fuck what they say? As an Eagles fan. Yeah. Um Yeah, I just I personally object to I'm this is not me dogging you. I personally object to a scenario-based would you rather that uses the topic for one half and then not the topic for the other half?
SPEAKER_01It has to use it for both.
SPEAKER_03I'm not saying it has to.
SPEAKER_01Oh.
SPEAKER_03It just makes it less difficult for me.
SPEAKER_02Oh.
SPEAKER_03Because if I was just like eat a mushroom or get fucked in the ass, it feels like a cheating a little bit, I guess is what I'm saying. Okay. So I have to eat five dried grams of mushrooms, and then and then what is the thing that I have to do?
SPEAKER_01And go into old white people church.
SPEAKER_03Go to old white people church.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, boring ass white people church.
SPEAKER_03It would be a lot more fun on five dried grams of mushrooms, I'll tell you that. Or lick peanut butter ice.
SPEAKER_01I don't, I mean, I guess like okay, but it's not good. Like, it's not I don't want it to be even cringy good. Like it's literally just hell, dude. Like it's boring. Yes, it's boring. The you're hoping for that. You're hoping that the pastor has a quirk that you can exploit in your mind, you know, but that doesn't happen. Nothing like that happens in this scenario. It is true. Truly just boring as fuck. Okay. Nothing to laugh at. And I know that on mushrooms you laugh at shit that you don't normally laugh at. But I'm saying like it's dark. Like it's bad. It gives you bad vibes.
SPEAKER_03Well, how about this? What if it's like uh one of those like fire and brimstone?
SPEAKER_01That's kind of what I was saying too. I was thinking that. Like they would talk about hell a lot. They would make it like you know, it's old people. They want to condemn you, you know.
SPEAKER_03They're talking about shit that's gonna piss me off, which is not a headspace you can do.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah. All of that. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Okay. Or lick peanut butter off of the balls of a homeless man in July. Yeah. It's hot, it's swampy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03There's probably gonna be unintentional jelly in that peanut butter sandwich.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Oh boy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Behind a dumpster, I would imagine, just because that's where he's at. Right. You know, I mean, I guess you could invite him into your home and sit him down on your bed and lick peanut butter off his balls. He's like, this is the best anyone's treated me in 10 years, dude.
SPEAKER_03Wine him and dine him first. Take him out to a nice fancy restaurant.
SPEAKER_01Let him play your switch while you're licking his balls. Grabbing no duels. He's beating all your scores on a Mario Kart. God damn. I'm on fire right now. Is it is Bowser and the little motorcycle a good combination? Do you know the stats? And you come up from licking balls like press Y and you see what the stats are. If you press Y. There's actually there's hidden stats too. I don't have time to explain it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Uh look it up on your phone. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Go off vibes. And yeah, pull out your cricket wireless phone and see if you had enough minutes to Google it.
SPEAKER_01Use my phone. Fuck it.
SPEAKER_03I mean, you're on the fucking switch. It's got an internet browser. Figure it out. Yeah, dog. I got a job to do.
SPEAKER_01He's asking for shit the whole time.
SPEAKER_03Oh, here's the question. During the balls licking, could I be like on OSRS on mobile? Could I be like slurping with my phone off to the side? I'm giving it the side eye.
SPEAKER_01Sure.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_01I guess.
SPEAKER_03I'm going to do that one. No, no, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_01You could do, I guess, okay. The thing, you can't be on your phone in the church either, even though you're on the I don't think you would want to be on your phone on mushrooms anyway, but that would be tough.
SPEAKER_03No, no, no. That's fine because I'm I'm gonna pick the first option. Yeah. I'm gonna say mostly because I don't want to lick the balls of the homeless man. But also, like the the tiny bit of silver lining I can see in the first one, no matter how bad it is, right? Yeah, it will end. And when it ends, we're gonna have one of the greatest episodes of this show that we have ever had. Yeah, true, true, true. I'm going to have two hours worth of story to tell about me being on five dried grams of mushrooms in a fire and brimstone church. Yeah. And it's gonna be a fucking roller coaster. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Sure. Okay. I think it you gotta wait an hour. That was a component of it. So that you are fully tripping by the time you go in there. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I get that.
SPEAKER_01So the entire time you're tripping.
SPEAKER_03Based on the fact that I I would then accept that I'm doing this for content. That's the way that I kind of rationalize it in my brain. Yeah, okay. Where it's like, I I want this to be as much of a train wreck as possible. Like if I'm gonna do it, I'm not gonna try to cheat it. Yeah, like I'm gonna get fucking zooted. And I'm gonna go in there on I'm gonna plan it so I go in there on the day that it's gonna be the absolute maximum worst time possible.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_03Like, oh, they they're I don't know if they do this. I just imagine, like, you know, when you're in college or high school or whatever, and they're like uh they have like this syllabus and they're like, This week we're doing this chapter. I feel like there should be a world where you go to the church's website and it's like we're doing uh Leviticus one the one where they talk about how bad gay people are this week. Yeah, like the theme of this week is gay bad. Don't lie with a man, yeah, as you would a woman or whatever. And they're gonna talk, they're gonna take that one fucking line, yeah, that one sentence and make it two hours long, right? Some fucking how.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I was arguing with uh Christians this week, actually. Really? Yeah, because that NBA player got fucking waived by the bulls because he was gay bashing on live. Oh wow. Yeah, with like from a religious viewpoint, uh gay bashing on live and they fucking released him. I guess he's if you're super good, I I don't know. I haven't looked up his stats, but I just the general rule is if you're super good, you can get away with pretty much anything short of murder, and the team will keep you, and they'll just run fucking damage control for you. So this guy must not be that good.
SPEAKER_03Right. You know what I mean? I don't know any of the story at all, so I can't remember his name.
SPEAKER_01Jaden Ivy. Jaden something like that. Anyway, I don't know.
SPEAKER_03I don't even know what basketball players are good these days. I don't either. You know what I mean? Like, I I'm so out of the loop from like post.
SPEAKER_01Does Kevin Durant play anymore? I have no idea. I couldn't tell what happens. Couldn't I only know about football? I have no idea about baseball. I know the Asian guy, Japanese, I think.
SPEAKER_03Oh, he's funny.
SPEAKER_01Otani. Yeah, right?
SPEAKER_03He's got yeah, he's got some good clips.
SPEAKER_01I've read his name on Fortnite. That's how I can pronounce his name.
SPEAKER_03Baseball America, number one. Yeah, I like that guy a lot.
SPEAKER_01So yeah, don't know any other sports, so sorry. I can't fill in any of the details, but I just do know that they don't fucking kick you off the team if you're really good for much. So sorry, man. I I think you just and also there's rumors. I did read this. There's there like players have told other people, hey, uh we this guy was like proselytizing to us a lot in the locker room and shit, and we were getting tired of it. So evidently, there was more to it. Uh, and that's why the bulls fucking waived him. But MAGA's going nuts on the interwebs about it. So like a bunch of it's been a story for the last couple days. Uh anyway.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I picked that one. I think it'd make for a good story. It would be miserable for it would for me, it would be miserable for at least 12 hours. Because even after I leave, I'm gonna be in hell. Because I'm tripping hard as fuck on a substance I don't really enjoy all that much personally. Um but yeah, it'll be a story for the next 10 years. So I'll never shut up about it. Um my mushroom-based would you rather? Yeah, stuck a little bit more to the assignment. No shade. I mean it for real. I just I have to point it out. Oh my god. It's true. Eat your fucking broccoli, kid. Uh is all right, Jake. Would you rather you have to let mushrooms grow all over your dick and balls?
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_03Different shapes, varieties, sizes, all that. You just you're you're you're the what do they call that? I can't remember now. The like the you know when you buy the bag and you like fucking put the spores in there, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Petri dish?
SPEAKER_03The um the medium.
SPEAKER_01Oh.
SPEAKER_03In which the spores have to grow off of your dick and balls. Okay. You gotta cultivate, you gotta keep them alive. That's your job. Yeah, delicious. Let me just scrape the meat. Hey man, I need to work on my nootropic action. Let me scrape a little lion's mane off your cock real quick, dude. Can I get a little turkey tail off your fucking testicles? Lion's wang. Yeah. Um, there's probably 50 fucking mushroom jokes we could make. And that's the gycelium starts to grow. Yes.
SPEAKER_01The gycemonium. I don't know.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I thought of meaty cum, but then that just makes me think M-E-A-T-Y C-U-M.
SPEAKER_03That's a lot.
SPEAKER_01Meaty cum.
SPEAKER_03That's a lot to fit into one joke. Three references in the same word. What?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Crazy.
SPEAKER_01So that's why I didn't say it, but then I did say it. Uh-huh. The first time. I didn't. There's way more fungi jokes. Yeah. Fungi?
SPEAKER_03A fungi you. Uh, yeah. What would that look like when you have to go take a shiitake? That's the sound again.
unknownOh.
SPEAKER_03What's the morale of this story? God damn it. The mushrooms grow all over your dick and balls. Or, or I was a little bit meaner on this one.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_03You have to take an entire dried ounce of dank ass shrooms once a year.
SPEAKER_01For the rest of my life.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, both of these are for the rest of your life. You grow the mushrooms and stuff on your dick and balls forever.
SPEAKER_01I just have a mushroom farm on my dick. Dick and balls. Yeah. It just looks like a grow-op on my dick and balls.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. There's there's you know, during certain seasons, there's gonna be more shroom than there is dick. Damn. I mean, depending on the species, it'll be all the time.
unknownGod damn.
SPEAKER_03But it's a rough one. An ounce of mushrooms is no fucking joke.
SPEAKER_01No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03That's enough to put you in an asylum.
SPEAKER_01Uh, an ounce, yes, an ounce of mushrooms at one in one sitting.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Uh so for context, people, you normally take an eighth of an ounce.
SPEAKER_01Right. An eighth is a trip. Like you are going to trip like you hear about. Yeah. You've never done them.
SPEAKER_03It's the it's the standard. Right. The the industry standard for I'm gonna trip on mushrooms tonight. I'm gonna take 3.5 grams, one eighth of an ounce.
SPEAKER_01It's the sure SM58. It's the industry standard of mushrooms. That's not the right kind of metaphor, but you know what I mean. God damn. You you like it. It's the stratocaster of shroom trips. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03It'll get you by, it'll do the job. 100%.
SPEAKER_01It's not fancy, but it is the thing.
SPEAKER_03What I'm referring to is eight times that.
SPEAKER_01Right. So. Here's what you do. If I don't, if I want to be able to have a sex life, right?
SPEAKER_03It's a one-way ticket to Mars, if you will. Go ahead. Sorry.
SPEAKER_01If I want to be able to have a sex life, then I'm gonna have to get my body so accustomed to shrooms that an ounce isn't a big deal. That I trip, don't get me wrong, but I'm doing an eighth every week. So my body's like used to it, you know.
SPEAKER_03You do an eighth every week?
SPEAKER_01No, I'm saying I will to ramp up to it. In this in preparation for when I have to do the ounce.
SPEAKER_03It's it's a little bit of a hack because of the way that shrooms works, um, like in acid, like if you're on any psychedelic, the more you do it, the less effective it is very quickly. Yeah. Like if you do an eighth one week and you do it the next week, it's probably half as effective. Right. And then it goes half again, half again, half again.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03So in this scenario, you're supposed to go months between. You're not allowed to do shrooms except for that ounce a year.
SPEAKER_01When they do them clinically, they I think it's a month between.
SPEAKER_03I'm saying in the in this would you rather scenario, you're not allowed to do shrooms except for that ounce a year.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Well, that's gay. That stinks.
SPEAKER_03I will say, in the the to be fair, in the uh your dick and balls are a mushroom factory, you can cultivate before sex.
SPEAKER_01Oh. But there's still gonna be some kind of stems, some kind of yeah, stems and buds.
SPEAKER_03You're gonna have you're gonna have a lumpy situation.
SPEAKER_01I can't have a lumpy situation.
SPEAKER_03Fucking the dark, baby boy.
SPEAKER_01I'm I'm getting old, man. I'm barely hanging on.
SPEAKER_03It's lumped for her pleasure.
SPEAKER_01I'm barely hanging on to a decent looking dick. Uh when it's hard, it's decent looking. Um I think.
SPEAKER_03I mean, uh, your opinion is the most important opinion on your dick.
SPEAKER_01Uh so all right. Well, here's here I guess I'm gonna do the fucking mushrooms. It's scaly. It is, but it's skilly. Actually, after the first time, maybe the second time, I think it I'll be used to it enough that like it's just like, all right, I take a week's vacation after I take these, you know? Like I take these on a Friday night or a Friday, you know, it doesn't matter what time of day you take them because it's gonna be like three or four days of three. Oh, yeah. Like it's gonna be a problem. I take a week off and I fucking take the fucking ounce and I just deal with it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I feel like you're gonna need therapy. Probably afterwards, because it's gonna fuck you up, dude.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, dude. It's gonna be every emotion I've had since childhood times a thousand.
SPEAKER_03It comes, dude. Every thought comes so fast. It that's part of why it's so goddamn overwhelming to me. Because like my mind's already racing all the time, but I can filter a lot of it out and just like move on to the next thought. But when I'm tripping, I can't think about anything but exactly what's on my mind when it's on my mind, and it's 50 fucking things at one time. Yep, it's so overwhelming.
SPEAKER_01It's fun to I mean, it's to think about the group activities we've done. Everyone is on something like that's crazy that we actually did that, that it worked.
SPEAKER_03It's just true. It wasn't the fact that it wasn't a disaster, right, is uh a testament to the how cool the people are that we hang out with.
SPEAKER_01It's a testament to those fucking ribs. Thanks, Mark. Mark's the man, and you're right, it is the people, the people fucking chill. We we actually attracted decent dudes somehow.
SPEAKER_03It's also a little bit of a testament to us. One for cultivating that, yeah, and two for the fact that we did have one person that was almost freaking out, and I somehow, while also tripping my balls off, was able to figure out how to keep him on the straight and narrow and not freaking out. That was pretty crazy. Yeah, and you held down the fort while we were gone because we left. I can't wait till Fart Party 3, dude. I know, dude. Oh, we gotta get that figured out.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and it's getting closer. It'll be July. It'll definitely be July. I think like middle-ish of July is what is the going theory.
SPEAKER_03Uh I mean, we're three months out, it's about time we start.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I'll know for sure. Uh yeah. In a week or two, maybe very soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03All right. Once you know for sure the date, that's when we're gonna start like pushing on the Patreon for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And reaching out to people that we know are gonna be wanting to come and may not hear it, and just be like d directly straight up, like, yo, dog. Yeah. You know? Show up 10 or 15 people that we know for sure.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I mean, there is a real possibility we got 20, 30 people here. It's gonna be fucking bonkers.
SPEAKER_01That's a lot.
SPEAKER_03I know. I think we should try to cap it at 20, but well, the good news is it's the the party can happen here, and then it's like if you're over capacity, it's like, hey dog, let's that is true.
SPEAKER_01Your house is right over there.
SPEAKER_03It's two blocks away, we can walk.
SPEAKER_01Literally, walk. Yeah, it's it is not that bad of a walk.
SPEAKER_03I'll bring 10, 15 people over if I have to. Yeah, I got plenty of space. Yeah. Soft plush carpet. Yeah. A very nice cat that if you bother him, I will beat you up. Yeah. Because he's a special boy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's the only thing with the uh with the far party is the fucking dog. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03As we get closer, we'll think about that a little more because I might have a solution for that. Oh I might.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_03If it if it comes down to it, it's not the worst thing in the world, and I think it'll be fine.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_03Because I have a fenced in backyard at my house.
SPEAKER_01Ah, that's true.
SPEAKER_03Where a party will not be happening.
SPEAKER_01That is true.
SPEAKER_03Mm-hmm. And a garage. That if it came down to it is impenetrable. The concrete floor cannot dig through.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. True, true, true, true. With enough, with enough bones and enough, you know, stuffed dogs.
SPEAKER_03It's like bones, some stuffy. To weigh out the karma on her being alone a lot.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Uh yeah. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Okay. Yeah. We got we can make a plan. Could happen. Hell yeah. All right. Anyway. That's Patreon talk. Your top. That's Patreon talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh my only realized a minute and a half into that. That uh Patreon talk.
SPEAKER_03One more would you rather topic. Yeah, yay. My topic was dogs. Yes, sir. And I will tell you, everybody seamlessly pulled it off. I wrote a would you rather in the middle of the fucking episode? You be the judge if it's good or not. I think it's a good one. I know when it was.
SPEAKER_01Sure. It was when I was talking about the NBA player. Yep. Uh didn't listen to a word of it. Everyone's like, I had to listen to that.
SPEAKER_03Okay. Uh I was like, wait, an NBA player is something about gay? What? I thought I thought for sure an NBA play an NBA player came out as gay and got kicked off his team. I thought that's what would happen. And then you were like, he's gay bashing. And I was like, wait, what?
SPEAKER_01Oh, that's hilarious. Okay. Would you rather adopt seven three-legged dogs of varying sizes and take care of them until they die naturally? It's 21 legs. I was gonna say that.
SPEAKER_03I can do math, dude.
SPEAKER_01I had that, I had that ready to go. Okay. I didn't have it written down, but I did think to say it. Uh or wear a furry suit for every teams meeting for a year. For a year, just for a year. It has to be a dog furry suit, obviously. Right, right, right. Hey, look, I use both. I I put one in both. Put a dog in both. It puts eight dogs in the whole thing. Uh it puts the dog on its skin. So I did think of this uh when I was thinking about the uh three-legged dogs. I was like, of varying sizes, so also breeds, you know? Okay. So you got your ampia teacup chihuahua, obviously. How dare you go on? You got your Palestinian bulldog.
SPEAKER_03Oh my god, dude.
SPEAKER_01I was hoping you would think of some because I couldn't think of any more.
SPEAKER_03Ukrainian Mastiff, maybe. Okay. Umberman, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um I already used Mastiff, didn't I? Damn it, because uh land landmine mastiff would have been a good one.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Uh oh, ooh, ooh. I can't think of a dog breed that starts with the letter V. I was going for a little alliteration.
SPEAKER_01Stumpy doo?
SPEAKER_03No, no, how about a Vietnamese Pyrenees?
SPEAKER_01Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_03Because they uh they had a lot of landmines left over in Vietnam after the Vietnam War.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I said stumpy-doo. That's a good one. That's a good one.
SPEAKER_03Um a prosthetic poodle.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03That's enough. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I said both of them. It's enough of that.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah. So we're getting into alliteration now.
SPEAKER_03Um shit. Okay, so I have to adopt uh seven dogs of seven different breeds.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I mean, just of varying sizes. It just can't be you you can't the reason I did that was because you can't just have seven tiny dogs that are then very easy to manage and corral. That's an easy cheat code. Uh part of the reason I have a tiny dog. Right. A relatively small dog.
SPEAKER_03I think dogs can sense that I don't like them. And they're intimidated by that. So I think they're easier to manage because, like, you know, it's not just like like what they they don't have enough brain cells to go, oh, he doesn't like dogs that much. So like he's a little bit standoffish around me. What they sense is like, oh, he's a badass motherfucker. And I'm scared of him because he doesn't act like all the other humans that are like, oh, cute dog. Like, no, he's uh he's a fucking hardened veteran of foreign wars. He's been, you know, in the in the trenches with wolves. Yeah. He's got he's got battle hardened experience.
SPEAKER_01Tyler Kyle over here.
SPEAKER_03Exactly.
SPEAKER_01Don't pick it up. Don't pick it up, kid.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Call me Americum Sniper.
SPEAKER_01American Piper, dude. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03The Pie Piper.
SPEAKER_01The guy piper. Oh.
SPEAKER_03Gay? I'm not gay, man. Um, so the dog thing, I think, you know, I would hate my fucking life until they all die. Which is, I mean, golly, with the breed variation, would be 20 fucking years.
SPEAKER_01Dude, you're gonna have three small dogs left. Yeah. Yeah. Like six or seven years.
SPEAKER_03Yep. They're gonna be blind in one eye, fucking yapping at the window, and I'll be like, God, dude, 20 years, shut the fuck up already.
SPEAKER_01Milky eye, no teeth.
SPEAKER_03And you know what? I because I don't I don't like dogs, it's not gonna be like, oh, that one's Milo. That's that's Pyrene. That that's fucking, you know. That's Penelope. No, it's gonna be one, two, three, four, five, six, and seven.
SPEAKER_01Bitch one. Shithead. Yeah. That was gonna do nothing. Seven, shut the fuck up, dick.
SPEAKER_03Four. Stop humping three. God damn it. I I don't even know if that's the right number. I don't pay that much attention to you guys.
SPEAKER_01Shut up! I literally live around you while you guys do whatever the fuck. Oh man.
SPEAKER_03They're just so needy and a hassle. Yeah, they are. They would all live in the backyard. I would just be a fucking white trash piece of shit with seven dogs in his backyard.
SPEAKER_02Three legged dogs too.
SPEAKER_03Just hobbling around.
SPEAKER_02They're all just fucking.
SPEAKER_03Everyone, dude, I would, I would be, I would bankrupt myself on batteries because they would all have fucking shock collars on. Because if they bark once, I'm gonna kick them in the fucking I listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. I don't hate dogs that much. I'm playing it up a little bit. But the barking does drive me crazy. And I would have to I would have to get them trained not to bark. Oh god. Like I would I would bankrupt myself on training because I I could not handle the constant fucking barking.
SPEAKER_01Spray them with the water, dude. That gets them. Our German shepherd fucking hates it so much. She will quit doing whatever the fuck to not get sprayed.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. She's big as fuck. I guess I would probably try for a little while. I would get I would give up pretty quickly. Yeah. Because, like, that's a lot of juggling. Seven dogs at the same time.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, dude. Once their teeth start rotting, you gotta start paying for them to be pulled out. Fuck, dude. Yeah. It's a whole thing.
SPEAKER_03I would just act I would start accidentally leaving fucking antifreeze soaked steaks around the house. Whoops. Sorry.
SPEAKER_01Guess I failed the would you rather?
SPEAKER_03Dang, I put too much cyanide in that uh kibble. Whoops.
SPEAKER_01What was the other uh I'll start wearing my fucking furry suit to meetings.
SPEAKER_03Furry suit to meetings.
SPEAKER_01I've dealt with four years of these fucking dogs.
SPEAKER_03Here's why. That is the option. Why? I work in the most liberal fucking workplace there is, bro. There is two conservatives in the entire fucking company. They wouldn't bat an eye. I'd get I have a lot of shit talked behind my back, but boy, would I not give a fuck. Because I would be sitting there in my I'd be sweating up a storm. Yeah. Just pouring sweat. Like, please let this meeting end soon. Because it's so hot in those things.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And they're expensive. I drop I drop five bags on that shit. Really? Dude, they're they're like four or five, six, seven thousand dollars.
SPEAKER_01You can't get a good one for like five hundo?
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_03What? Because it's not on Amazon. You can't just go on Amazon and be like, no, you gotta hit up some autistic fucking Ohio that's hand sewing it with a fucking needle and thread. Wow. Like they're fucking training their crafting skill in RuneScape. They're over there fucking sewing fur onto polyurethane foam and shit. Wow. 10,000 hours of that shit. So yeah, it's expensive as fuck. And it'd be sweating bullets, but it's a very liber liberal environment. They would just be like, oh, the weird guy with long hair and tattoos is a furry now. I guess that makes sense. And and there's like all these. I mean, it's the pendulum is swinging in other directions now because of who's in office, but there's all these, you know, protections in place. They couldn't fire me if I was gay. They can't fire me if I'm a furry, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Okay. My performance wouldn't change.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I would just have to be real weird.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03So that's the way to go.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_03It would suck. Don't get me wrong. I would hate it. But at least I get to go home and enjoy my like my free time is just like the way it should be, and not with seven retarded hobbling fucking mutts.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Steven Barking? Nah. No, he wasn't an amputee. I'm retarded. He was sorry.
SPEAKER_03He had sorry, sorry. He had what? Uh was it Lou Gehrick's disease? I don't know why that sounds so funny to me. I think that's actually what he had. Something like that. I don't know. Well, I had a a similar idea in my Would You Rather? Okay. Maybe again, a little more extreme. But would you rather, Jake, have to live in a house with 55 dogs and 55 cats and 55 birds and 55 lizards and 55 iguanas.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_03You remember that uh sketch from uh I think you should leave or whatever. The 55 burgers, 55 fries, 55 hot dogs.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03That was that was a reference to that.
SPEAKER_01Got it, got it.
SPEAKER_03A bunch of dogs, a bunch like too many animals, essentially. Is is the well, it's like the the Muslim 72 virgins. Like in in Arabic, they don't have a word for like a fuck ton, so they just use 72 to mean a fuck ton.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Oh, you're in heaven with a fuck ton of virgins, but they can't say a fuck ton. Yeah. So they say 72, even though that's a random number to us Americans. It's weird we use Arabic numerals. Whatever. It is. Uh or enter a hot dog eating contest and you have to eat 55 hot dogs without chewing. No bun. Because you would choke and die. But you can eat a hot dog eating. One time. Well, like, in a row. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You don't have to you don't have to like fall in my stomach at one time.
SPEAKER_03You don't have to 55 hot. Well, I mean, yeah, that's how hot that's how any eating contest works. You eat all of the.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna throw them up, but not throw them up because one's gonna get stuck.
SPEAKER_03Nah, dude. That's what's gonna happen. No, you plan. You have time to plan. You're like, I next week I have a hot dog eating contest coming up. I will eat nothing but three stalks of broccoli per day.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_03Until the time you guys gotta you guys gotta get on the Patreon. The $1 this week had like a 20-minute intermission where Jake got yelled at for not eating broccoli, and it was the funniest thing ever.
SPEAKER_01Because I bought it and said I was gonna eat it and then didn't eat it. Well, I ate some. He ate one third of his broccoli. I ate a fair amount of broccoli, dude. I was given a lot of broccoli. It was a lot of broccoli.
SPEAKER_03It was all raw. It's so stupid. Why would you eat it raw? I chose to eat it raw. But anyway. Crazy. With no ranch, by the way. He just took broccoli out of a bag of raw broccoli from the fucking produce section and was like, I'm just gonna eat this.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, wash it off first, but yeah. Or rinse it off first. Yeah. Yeah. I get to keep the bugs. Uh god damn it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you gotta live in a house with too many animals.
SPEAKER_01A menagerie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A schmorgus board.
SPEAKER_03Every time you have sex, it's a menage etwa.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Or hot dog eating contest. 55 hot dogs. No bun. Yeah. No chewing. That's the sound it would make every time it goes down.
SPEAKER_01Okay, well, I guess I'm living in the house with the pets.
SPEAKER_03You can't eat dude. I would eat 55 hot dogs now. What would you do? If you gave me 55 hot dogs, why? Because.
SPEAKER_01That's a lot of calories of hot dogs.
SPEAKER_03I know. I'm broke as shit.
SPEAKER_01On the way out is gonna be a fucking problem. I don't think so. For a couple days, dude. I don't think so. If you can keep them down, I think that you throw them up and you have a bunch of like hot dogs that look like they've been through a nuclear disaster.
SPEAKER_03Kobiyashi ate like 75 hot dogs one time.
SPEAKER_01What?
SPEAKER_03He's a little skinny Asian man.
SPEAKER_01You can do it. No, 55 hot dogs. I'm just picturing that in my stomach. There's no way that fits in me.
SPEAKER_03It fits for sure. Dude, there's a guy that I watch a lot of Facebook reels of named Beard vs. Food. Yeah. Or Beard Meets Food, something like that. And this dude is not that much bigger than you. And he'll do he all of his videos are food challenges. He'll go to like some fucking podunk diner where they have to you have to eat 40 fucking pancakes, wins every time. He just eats nothing but salads and shit until it's time for food day. And he will eat like eight fucking pounds of food in one sitting. You can do 55 hot dogs. It's not that many. It sounds like a lot. It's not that much. As far as like because you're you're used to your lifestyle where you're like, I eat breakfast, I eat lunch, I eat dinner. No, you don't eat shit for like two days before this. You're so fucking hungry, there's so much room in your stomach. Easily you could eat 55 hot dogs.
SPEAKER_01Damn.
SPEAKER_03The problem is the not chewing. Swallowing a hot dog hole seems like it would be very difficult. I've never done it. But uh it seems like it would be hard to do. You've done it in your butt.
SPEAKER_00My butt swallows hot dogs.
SPEAKER_01I still think I'm gonna live with the animals. Should we do it? It seems like so many problems. I have an issue swallowing big ass pills. Like I do it, I get them down, but sometimes it takes me a minute. It's a bitch. I feel like my throat is small. I feel like all the way around, I was just not meant to be a gay man. I think your mom smoked when she was pregnant.
SPEAKER_03I'm sorry, I don't mean that. She did the whole time. She did? No way! Well, your growth has been stunted in a lot of different ways.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, except my wiener. It's regular.
SPEAKER_03It's regular. It's Av. Your average height, close to average height, at least. Yeah. You're like what, 5'9, 5'10?
SPEAKER_015'8. 5'8-ish.
SPEAKER_03Okay. I think average is 5'9. I think it is, yeah. So yeah.
SPEAKER_01So I should be expected to have a smaller than average penis.
SPEAKER_03You should be 5'4, considering all the other things about you.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03So, like, dub. Yeah. Dub for Jake Nase.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, sure. Uh I'm I'm gonna live with the animals. Do you think that we can't possibly swallow? I could never be a sword swallower. I can never deep throat male genitalia. I can never enter a hot dog eating competition. I feel like any of it.
SPEAKER_03I feel like you and I should have some sort of competition where it's where we're deep throating something? No. Okay. That's odd that that was the first thing your mind went to.
SPEAKER_01That's what we're on. That's what we're talking about.
SPEAKER_03So I just I mean, like You're deep throating hot dogs. I think we could formulate a way for it to be fair. Because like eating contest, like, come on, guys.
SPEAKER_01It's that's that would be stupid to begin to do.
SPEAKER_03I could be full and beat you.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you could eat you might be able to eat twice what I eat, and where I'm like, fuck this, dude. You might be able to.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. There have been like when we lived together, there were times where you ate more than I did, but it was like those are the exceptions to the rules.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and that's that's me fucking pigging out.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Completely. I don't know. But uh speed eating probably wouldn't work either. Where it's like set it, set like a three-minute timer, eat as many hot dogs as you can. Probably better.
SPEAKER_01It'd be better.
SPEAKER_03It would be more fair because you can't eat so many hot dogs in two or three minutes that you would be like puking full. Yeah. But I still think I would fucking destroy you.
SPEAKER_01You would, yeah. Like, that's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_03Like, all the all the way around. And then my mind goes to like a drinking drinking style. We're like, I mean, bro, find somebody in town that can drink. Like, I'm the Shane Gillis of our town.
SPEAKER_01I think that's why I went so ham on I think you can eat more food than me, is because you can drink way more than me. And that means partially that you can hold more volume. Yeah. And that's kind of where my brain went.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it would almost have to be either a speed competition or something that I'm good at versus something that you're good at.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_03You know, like I mean, this isn't a good example, but like you smoke weed, I drink beer. Yeah. Every hit of something for you counts as one beer. I don't know what the equation would be.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_03But I know I can smash like 30 beers in one night and survive. It'd be tough.
SPEAKER_0130 hits would be tough. That's a ton? You'd be fucked up. That's a lot for me, yeah. That's a lot. Like off of a bowl. Yeah, just one after the other. Yeah, that'd be.
SPEAKER_03We'd have to come up with like a one full second. Like it sounds like not a lot, but that's a that's a huge hit.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Whatever, yeah, where you get the plume coming up.
SPEAKER_03Maybe two seconds. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. We'd have to, I'd have to like watch you smoke a bowl and like use a stopwatch to figure out like take a good hit.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Like a nice fair hit. Yeah, of course. Maybe 1.5.
SPEAKER_01And if it's not fair, I have to do another one that big.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. True. Dude. That could be a thing. By the end of it, dude, we'd have to just have like a room mic on because I'd be so hammered and you'd be so high. It'd have to be like five hours.
SPEAKER_01Maybe that's a far party thing. Oh my god. Just kill Friday night with that. Yeah. Oh man. Like the night before. Because they'll be well, but no, we can't do that the night before. I don't know, man. I'm my recovery time's pretty epic. I mean, my I mean, I'm decent, but not great. Especially with alcohol, I'm not great.
SPEAKER_03I accidentally drank 12, 16 ounce beers the other day. Damn. I didn't mean to. Yeah. I just I bought a 15-pack, and my thought process was because they have like the Miller light, they have like the the twist top aluminum can things.
SPEAKER_01Silver bullets, dude. Or they're white bullets in this case. Silver bullets is Coors Light, get it right. I know the same company.
SPEAKER_03With the with the twist top ones, they have like weird numbers. And I did the quick beer math at the thing, and I was like, okay, so if I split this up into three separate occasions, that's five beers per occasion. Right. Band practice, podcast, band practice. That's a good that's good beer math, and it ends up saving me money. Yeah. I brought the 15 pack home, and on neither of those occasions, I drank 12 on accident. I was like, oh, I got beer in the fridge, I'll grab a beer real quick. Like I'll just make this one of my five beer nights. And then the other two nights, I'll just do the other thing. I drank 12 of them. I could not fucking believe it. When I woke up the next day, I was very hungover, by the way, for sure. But I looked in the fridge and I was like, there's only three left. Wow. How the fuck did that happen? Wow. But I went to work and it was fine. It was no big deal. It was fine. I had a headache. I took some ivy profen and I moved on. Nice. All that to say. Maybe a weed versus beer competition could work. We just have to figure it out. Okay. Because you're way more attuned to the world of marijuana.
SPEAKER_01We're also doing other shit too, you know. There's a lot. It's like maybe not a far party. The next night, you know. Maybe a precursor. So I'm like, I want to be primed for that and in a good place. True, true, true, true, true. So like, yeah, I don't know.
SPEAKER_03Maybe a Thursday thing. Because we're gonna take time off of work. That'll give us a full day to recover.
SPEAKER_01Oh, okay. We probably won't have that many people here, but that might be better.
SPEAKER_03That's better, yeah. Honestly. I think so.
SPEAKER_01One or two people here, not a big deal.
SPEAKER_03I agree. Hey, I got a top five.
SPEAKER_01Let's do it, brother.
SPEAKER_03Oh, I gotta play the thing, right? Brother. Brother. Play the thing, brother. Ladies and gentlemen, here's Tyler's. Top two list. Let's go. Maybe 25 was too low. I don't know. We'll figure it out. It's just a little quiet now. I don't know. I got so used to it being too loud. Yeah now if it's just blaring. Whatever. I got a top five list for you guys. And uh did I really drink that whole thing? God damn it, man. Maybe I have a problem. I don't know. Uh I have a top five list for you guys, and it uh pertains a bit to what I got going on in my life right now. Perhaps. But my top five list for this week is my top five struggle meals. Oh yeah. Okay. Not too crazy, but I thought it'd be a fun little topic to chit-chat about. For the people. For the people. There's some broke motherfuckers listening to this show.
SPEAKER_01For the working class. Yeah. Surely it's the working class listening to our show. Surely.
SPEAKER_03There's no lawyers or doctors listening to this shit.
SPEAKER_01I'm also working class. True, true, true, true.
SPEAKER_03It's more responsible than me. Okay, so uh top five struggle meals. Number five. A little bit of always the the bottom of the list is kind of like the the throwaway, like the obvious. You think struggle meal, you think ramen noodles. Ramen noodles. Number five is ramen, but the way I make it.
SPEAKER_01My ramen.
SPEAKER_03Right. And and you know, for all these, for the the the list item, it includes everything. So, like when I say ramen the way I make it, it's not ramen the way Jake makes it, where there's shredded chicken and eggs. We're broke. We're not trying to fucking church it up that much. It's just ramen. But the way I make ramen, most people, it's there's kind of a split in the world, right? There's the ramen soup people where they boil the ramen noodles and they leave the water and they put the shit in there and they eat it like a soup.
SPEAKER_01Fucking psychos.
SPEAKER_03I don't fuck with that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, fucking psychos, dude.
SPEAKER_03I don't fuck with that at all.
SPEAKER_01That's un-American, dude.
SPEAKER_03There's only one way that that happens, and that's if it's already in a bowl or a styrofoam cup, it's cup of noodle or the like the bowls. That's ramen soup. Yeah. That's the when you do that. If it comes in a fucking plastic bag and it costs 12 cents, that's noodles. Yeah. That's ramen noodles, not ramen noodle soup, okay? Yeah. So you boil the noodles, yeah, just like you normally do, drain the water, put it in a bowl, and take about a half a tablespoon of butter or margarine, whatever you got, throw that in there, and then empty the saw the the flavor packet, stir that shit up, elevation. Okay. It's like four cents worth of butter, if that. And it takes it to the next level. Nice. Fire. Nice. Try it out. I enjoy it. Number four four. Another slightly obvious one, but with a twist. Okay. Spaghetti and garlic bread. Okay. If you're broke, you've already got a loaf of bread, and you probably already got a three dollar tub of country crock margarine. Sure. You just take that fucking great value white bread, spread a little bit of that butter on it, some garlic powder, a little bit of salt, chuck it in the oven for five minutes. Yeah. That's white trash garlic bread all day. Yep. And uh hell yeah, dude. If even if you're in the in a struggle scenario, you can't skimp on getting a fucking a bottle of shaker cheese.
SPEAKER_01Sure.
SPEAKER_03You gotta have the parmesan. It's two bucks, dude, and it lasts for a month and a half. Yeah, gotta have that.
SPEAKER_01If all you're eating is spaghetti. That Jean Jean.
SPEAKER_03Gotta have that Jean Yon, dude. And like another thing, if you're if you're in a struggle scenario, go to Walmart. Every spice that they have is a is 98 cents. Just go ahead and grab garlic powder, parsley, and a regular. Know that's all you need, right? Like you can get by with those spices in every fucking meal.
SPEAKER_01Salt and pepper, too.
SPEAKER_03Salt and pepper, obviously. Salt and pepper is even cheaper than the that shit. Get a fucking giant cylinder of cardboard for your salt. I don't actually have black pepper at home, and it's just because I keep forgetting to buy it. And every time I have something where I'm like, throw some pepper on this bitch, I don't got it because I keep forgetting to buy it.
SPEAKER_01Did you ever try to smoke nutmeg?
SPEAKER_03No, but I like a I like a good no butt scenario. When uh me and my friends were like fucking 10, yeah, 11, something like that.
SPEAKER_02Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_03We legit grabbed computer paper from the printer and grass clippings from the backyard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And rolled that up. We tried to smoke grass.
SPEAKER_01I did that too as a kid.
SPEAKER_03We all just coughed and almost threw up. And I was like, well, I don't know why people do that. Spoiler alert, they fucking don't.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01I tried to smoke nutmeg. I thought I could could kind of feel something here and there, but didn't really do anything. No. Just didn't have any weed. And then someone said you can smoke dubeg.
SPEAKER_03One time I did uh I did buy marigold seeds on Amazon. Yeah. Because there's like a tiny bit of LSA in those, which is like a precursor to LSD. Nice. And if you crush up like 30 or 40 marigold seeds and eat them, it's supposed to give you like a little bit of a trip. Uh-huh. Uh, I was scared. Everybody said it gives you like severe diarrhea and shit. So I only crushed up like five or six of them, and then I was like, what am I doing? I'm I'm a grown man. I'm just gonna go buy acid. What am I doing? Uh I just I read about it and I was like, I want to try it. And uh don't do that. Don't do it. Just go buy acid. And if you don't have a connect, just find the weirdest looking guy you know and ask him if he knows anybody. Yep. Um, so yeah, spaghetti and garlic bread, solid. Can't beat it. Number four, cheesy chicken and rice. Hell yeah, no. Dude, so easy.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03Here's what I recommend.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03Go to whatever grocery store you got, go to the rice section and look for a yellow bag of rice. It's literally called the brand is called Vigo. It's literally called yellow rice. It's like a brand that makes like this Spanish rice. It's got like spices and shit in it already. It's like a dollar fifty for a two-pound bag of this rice. It's fire, dude. You don't gotta add shit to it. Follow the instructions. What whatever the instructions say, add a half cup more water and go five more minutes because they don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
SPEAKER_01I know, dude. Every time. Half the time, it's like, this is fucking stupid. Yeah. The directions. It's still raw.
SPEAKER_03Every time it gets done, it's still raw. Yeah. Fuck them. Add a half cup extra water, five more minutes of cooking time. Comes out fire, dude. Get the whatever cheapest uh boneless, skinless chicken breast you can get.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03If you don't already have a sous- vide, which I was gonna put you on game on this, Sous vide, game changer, bro. Perfect chicken every time. Tender, moist, very shreddable. But just get that shit. If you don't have that, put it in a fucking pot with some uh uh chicken broth on low simmer for like three hours. Okay, hella. Hella, dude. Shred that shit up, throw it in the fucking rice, get a bag of like whatever cheap cheddar cheese you can find, do like four ounces of cheddar cheese, mix that motherfucker up, throw a little bit of milk in there, a little bit of butter, cheesy chicken and rice, your life is better.
SPEAKER_01Hell yeah, dude. I don't even have anything to add. That's just a great idea. I know. Uh that sounds fantastic.
SPEAKER_03Uh number two is gonna be a little controversial. And here's why. It's hella cheap. This is probably the most delicious one on the list. But the caveat is there's so many fucking calories in this, it's a problem. It's legitimately a problem. You can't you cannot have this more than once a week because it is gonna fucking spike your cholesterol through the roof.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_03Fried spam grilled cheese. Dude. I'd rather just have the grilled cheese. Listen, bro. Have you had fried spam? If ever once. Dude, I'm telling you right now, it's the most delicious thing I've ever had. But you cannot have it very often. Another caveat. This is gonna sound crazy for me because I salt my shit. Everything I eat, I salt it like the Mediterranean Sea, bro. It's too much salt for a normal person. Okay. Spam is too salty. Uh-huh. It straight the fuck up is. You gotta get the lower sodium spam in the can. Okay. Get the lower sodium spam in the can. Here's another little caveat. The can is like tall and kind of thin. Yeah. You gotta slice it on the thin side, not the thick side, if that makes sense. You don't slice it vertically. If the can is standing up straight, it says spam on it, vertically would be up and down. You gotta turn that can on its side and you gotta slice it horizontally. Two slices of horizontally, perfect size for a sandwich.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_03Okay. The vertical, it's a little too much. And you gotta be careful and not slice it too thick. You take those two thin slices, fry them up in a frying pan like two minutes on each side, get them nice and brown, then you fucking take them out. Make a grilled cheese like you normally make a grilled cheese, but you just put the two slices of spam in between two slices of cheese. I'm telling you, dog, yeah, it's 500,000 calories per fucking sandwich, but it is so fire, dude.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Oh my god. Huh. It's salty, it's cheesy, it's buttery. Don't eat it very often, but fuck, it'll fuck you up. It'll fuck your world up.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03It'll make you go. Why do people pay money for food? This is four cents. It's so good. Why do people complain about being in the military? They got spam, pussies. Number one on the list. It is not debatable. I will not hear another word about it. Homemade cheeseburger Mac is the best thing that's ever existed.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03It's so fucking good, bro. One box of elbow macaroni is a dollar. One bag of medium shredded cheddar cheese is two dollars. One jar of Prego creamy cheese sauce is two dollars. One fucking cylindrical roll of ground beef at Walmart is five dollars. You've got five meals for like eight bucks. And it's so fire. It's retard proof. Boil the noodles, brown the beef, mix it all together. Fuck, dude. Fuck, dude. Half a bag of cheese, so it's really only a buck's worth of cheese.
SPEAKER_01Fuck, bro. And the next week you use the second half of the bag.
SPEAKER_03It's right. I've had it, and you only need half of the jar of the cheese. Damn. So it's really five, six, seven. Yeah, it's eight bucks. I already knew that, but I didn't explain why.
SPEAKER_01It's eight dollars. But if you get the other shit the next week, is that factored in? The next time it's also eight dollars. Oh, every time it's eight dollars. Okay. Yeah. Because of what you hold over. Okay.
SPEAKER_03Got it.
SPEAKER_01Got it. Yeah. It's an average of eight dollars.
SPEAKER_03I've had it, dude. I've been on the struggle meal diet for like the last three weeks. I've made it twice and I've eaten it ten times because of that. It's so good, bro. I ate it before I came over here. Yeah. I had a little gay smile on my face. Spoon in bowl. Cat on floor. Nice. Chilling.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Listening to our local radio station. Cause the DJ for the local show is hilarious. Yeah. Not on purpose. Yeah. Homemade cheeseburger Mac, dude. Fuck hamburger helper. Don't buy it. It's a scam. Make it yourself with other pre-made ingredients. Yeah. But it's it's it ends up being way cheaper doing it that way. You could do the hamburger helper thing, but you're gonna be wasting money.
SPEAKER_01You're still gonna have to buy most of those ingredients.
SPEAKER_03And it's not gonna be that good. Right. You still gotta buy the hamburger. You still gotta buy the box of hamburger helper that only is you know made for maybe three or four helpings. Yeah. Do it my way. Damn, dude. Get like five helpings. Damn. And better. Hell yeah, I don't fire. I'm gonna pee my pants.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I'm gonna piss too, dude.
SPEAKER_03Hey, dude. Patreon.com slash fartmouthfartmout.com. Click the Patreon button. Check us out on there. We talk about it enough. You know it's a thing. We love ya. We appreciate ya. Let us know in the Spotify comments. Hit us up on YouTube or Twitter or Patreon and let us know if our idea at the beginning of the show is good. We do kind of the same segments every week, but uh there's a little bit of variation. And we go back and forth a little bit. Maybe one week I have the thing. Maybe one week he has the thing. I don't know. We'll see. Let us know. Love you. Bye.