313 - Threw Tomatoes at My Black Friend

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This week's show features...

FYYPOS update

Spergie Spooks

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

If there's one thing, I'm ready to be. It's goofy.

SPEAKER_08 0:10

The following filth is a production of the Farming University Chip Chip and Didn't Rech Department. Thank you for listening.

SPEAKER_06 0:25

Fortnite University.

SPEAKER_04 0:39

Welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast. A show whose hosts, girlfriends, pussies are a lot like the Iran Nuclear Program.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

It was obliterated like nobody.

unknown 0:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 0:59

I did my best to scramble that little thing together last second. It was obliterated like no one's ever seen before.

SPEAKER_02 1:09

Oh, well.

SPEAKER_04 1:10

Maybe we can do this episode, but you should have to Tyler. I'm Jake. You guys have heard the intro, but you get the fucking point.

SPEAKER_08 1:18

You just totally fast forwarded that. That was great.

SPEAKER_04 1:21

Would you like me to I'll do it in slow.

SPEAKER_08 1:23

No, no, no, no, no. Please don't. That's what's good.

SPEAKER_04 1:31

Weeji. I don't I can't do it that slow. Every week we do a few rotating segments and make each other laugh. I'm Tyler. I'm Jake. I can't remember the rest. I fucked myself up too much. Remember we do a few rotations with each other, Jake. Let's get right into it, eh?

SPEAKER_07 1:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

I mean let's get that energy.

SPEAKER_07 1:54

Through the roof.

SPEAKER_00 1:56

Let's get that energy.

SPEAKER_03 1:57

Through the roof. Yeah? Let's get that energy.

SPEAKER_04 2:04

Uh I want to play a game with you real quick.

SPEAKER_08 2:06

Let's do it.

SPEAKER_04 2:07

We haven't done this ever. And ever since I've known you. Limp Biscuit? Somewhere around a decade.

SPEAKER_08 2:15

Ookie cookie?

SPEAKER_05 2:17

No. Okay. What's the game?

SPEAKER_04 2:18

I'm gonna I wanna let you keep guessing.

SPEAKER_05 2:20

I'm fine with you guessing. Tic-tac-toe. Nope. Um chess.

SPEAKER_04 2:25

Nope. Uh Mario Kart World. Oh. You'll never guess in a million Jillian years. Actually, as a matter of fact, I think that for the next 58 minutes and 25 seconds, you're just gonna keep guessing, and I'm just gonna keep saying nope.

SPEAKER_01 2:42

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_04 2:42

One more. Uh bridge. Nope.

unknown 2:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 2:46

It's a game that you would play on a podcast.

SPEAKER_08 2:49

Oh, yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_04 2:50

Fucking. Oh, that makes sense. Now that you know the concept. Mad Libs. We've done that before. Yeah. I said it's a game we've never played before. Oh, yeah, right. On the show. Okay.

SPEAKER_08 3:03

You just yeah. My brain was on games you can play in a podcast. Okay. After I was being a silly Billy with my podcast.

SPEAKER_04 3:08

I'll give you one last chance. Now, I will say, I'm gonna give you the amount of time it takes for me to say the rest of this sentence or these sentences in a row to really think about this. Because if you do somehow think of it, it's very simple. If you do think of it, I'm gonna have to go on YouTube and look up that air horn sound that Gen Z made popular. Yeah. Because it's gonna be like levels of Okay, you did it after 40 guesses.

SPEAKER_08 3:43

Uh yeah, I dude, I'm I now I'm drawing a blank. What the fuck? Um, I mean, what could it be 21 questions? I don't know, man. You're disappointing. How would I get you said I wouldn't guess it in a million years. And now you're disappointed?

SPEAKER_04 4:00

Well, I thought about it and you could guess it. Probably in like 10 minutes.

SPEAKER_08 4:04

I realized I oversold how hard it would be to get.

SPEAKER_04 4:08

Well, well, to be fair. You gotta think of it's me, the am I gonna think of this? I but when I said a million years, I hadn't given you the context that even though you should have maybe gathered that it's something.

SPEAKER_08 4:20

I I did gather that. That's why I was guessing shit we would never play. Because I was like, I'm never gonna guess it anyway. That was my attitude, was I'm never gonna guess it anyway, so I might as well say just a bunch of random games.

SPEAKER_04 4:34

No, I'm gonna need your help here because I don't know if this game has a name.

SPEAKER_08 4:38

Oh.

SPEAKER_04 4:39

But it's the thing where so I'm gonna say something.

SPEAKER_08 4:42

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 4:44

Uh one word.

SPEAKER_08 4:45

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 4:46

And then you say the next word, and we try to formulate something out of that. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_08 4:51

Like it's not mind meld, is it?

SPEAKER_04 4:53

No, no, no, because that's where we go. One, two, three, the n-word.

SPEAKER_08 4:56

So this is just literally the whole game, by the way.

SPEAKER_04 4:59

The whole game of mind meld is uh one, two, three, the n-word. Game's over. Whatever. Um get so so for example, I would say like um I, and then you would say went, and then I would say two, and then you would say the. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_08 5:18

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 5:19

But we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna do better than I went to the store and bought some bread.

SPEAKER_08 5:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 5:24

We're gonna we're gonna do better than that.

SPEAKER_08 5:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 5:27

I'll make sure of it.

SPEAKER_08 5:28

On the spot games are my specialty, so yeah.

SPEAKER_04 5:32

Well, I mean, with that in mind, let's do it. You're up first. Oh. Sure, sure, sure, sure.

SPEAKER_08 5:39

Well, uh Okay, now I'm faced with the uh task of like deciding whether I want to do a new easy word. If I let you go first, you make it way. All right, here we go. My You just did the mind melt thing. Oh and I was totally even more not expecting it because you said the mind melt thing, and I was like, God damn. Um you don't always help me with the fucking time thing.

SPEAKER_04 6:31

Well, I had a plan. Oh fuck. I was planning that for I don't know, 24 hours. Everything went, by the way, exactly the way I wanted it.

SPEAKER_08 6:45

Some might call me a puppet master. I played into it even harder than you expected, probably. You could not have played into it better. Oh, god damn, that's great.

SPEAKER_04 6:53

Do you want to make an actual uh, you know, uh uh give it the old Cohenge trim. Do you want to? I would like I think I think we could do something good with it. All right. Without the use of um, I don't know, racial slurs towards the African American community. Maybe one. Not that one. You know what I mean? No, yeah. It can't be that one. We can maybe get through this without saying something we have to go back and censor out again.

SPEAKER_08 7:18

I think so.

SPEAKER_04 7:19

I will. You want me to go first this time?

SPEAKER_08 7:21

Sure.

SPEAKER_04 7:22

Okay. I'm gonna make this as not that complicated as possible.

SPEAKER_08 7:28

The cocker spaniel. War. Eh?

SPEAKER_05 7:39

Purple. Strap on.

SPEAKER_04 7:42

And then if we're gonna keep hyphenated. What if what if the whole time I just kept saying, and then you dude where's my carnet? Okay, okay, okay. I fucked it up. I fucked up. We'll start over. We get one more try at this, and then we're gonna move on because people are probably like, all right, dude, the N-word thing was the best we could have mined out of this.

SPEAKER_08 8:02

House is gonna be funny.

unknown 8:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:04

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I'll start over. I'll start over. We're not gonna do cocker spaniel. That was two words, by the way. And you lambass to be for and then.

SPEAKER_08 8:11

You're right, you're right. I'm just gonna I'm a flawed human, Tyler.

SPEAKER_04 8:16

I'm not gonna get it right. What if you said cocker and then I said Ah, you're right. The N-word.

SPEAKER_08 8:23

I'm a dingus.

SPEAKER_04 8:25

Okay, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_08 8:27

Hmm.

SPEAKER_05 8:29

He fell into her gaping.

SPEAKER_08 8:43

Closet.

SPEAKER_05 8:50

In my opinion, that's the end of the story.

SPEAKER_04 8:52

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We put a blow on this.

SPEAKER_08 8:56

It's one or the other. You either you either lean into what where the person's trying to drive it, or you go the opposite direction. That's the fun of it.

SPEAKER_04 9:05

Okay, okay, okay. It's a good party game. He fell into our gaping closet.

SPEAKER_08 9:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 9:10

Finding twenty.

SPEAKER_05 9:17

Million.

SPEAKER_08 9:28

And fifty. I guess. Fifty thousand.

SPEAKER_03 9:44

I was gonna say it. I was gonna say I was on the verge.

SPEAKER_04 9:48

Mexican. Jumping. Ah, I failed again. Okay.

SPEAKER_08 10:01

Alright, well, hey, look.

SPEAKER_04 10:04

Not every game's worth playing twice. Okay, yeah. Five minutes and ten minutes. Every five minutes, you guys are gonna hear the n-word on this show this week.

SPEAKER_08 10:16

Oh, okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 10:18

All right. It's been a while since I've mined the uh the old the proverbial uh nor in n-word or yeah the and the uh the South African emeralds. Nice. Them blood diamonds. Good golly. What a fun way to start the show. Hey, you know what? Yeah, I wasn't confident that it was gonna go great, but it did. So fuck you.

SPEAKER_00 10:43

Sickle cell blood diamonds. That's right, boy.

SPEAKER_04 10:46

Uh we got a segment for this week for you guys. I have a little update, if we have time at the end. Yeah. To a fuck you piece of shit from previous sick episode. I think it was last week. I can't remember to be fair with you.

SPEAKER_08 11:01

Oh, yeah, the guy still works. That's my update. The guy is still there. Oh, dude. Nothing has changed.

SPEAKER_04 11:06

You were getting roasted sick.

SPEAKER_08 11:08

At Drake's place.

SPEAKER_04 11:10

Hard in the Discord. Oh, was I? Dude, after that episode dropped, like three people were just like, Jake's being a little bitch. They were like, oh, I'm Jake. I fucking whine about company money being spent on other guys. And really? Jody was like, he's pocket watching the new guy, and the new guy sounds cooler than Jake. I mean, you were getting lit up, dude. Everybody was not feeling your fucking whiny ass bullshit.

SPEAKER_08 11:38

Damn, dude. That's the whole point of fucking you piece of shit, guys. What do you mean?

SPEAKER_04 11:43

Yeah, I guess they I guess because I have been uh historically bitching about stuff that I think everybody would be on my side about um recently. There are if you go back further, there's shit that's like, okay, he's being so baby.

SPEAKER_08 11:58

If you go, if you need an enemy, here I am, man. If you need a punching bag, you need a op, here I am, dude. You need a op. Jake loses your fucking. That sounds better. I'm your that sounds less whiny than what I said. Jake said, I'm your cuckleberry. Fuck it, we're on the topic. If anything, I'm meat gazing. I'm not pocket watching. Dude, I gave you that word. Meat gazing? I think I did. I heard I heard uh my uh pal Adam say it many years ago. When I worked at it because I he he left the bathroom door unlocked and I accidentally went, and it's a oney, and I accidentally went in there. He's like, What are you doing? Meat gazing, boy? And I was I think I was like 20 when that happened. That was a long time ago.

SPEAKER_04 12:42

I'm not trying to one up you, but I was like, I want to say 19 or 20. So it was around the same time. Yeah. Um I worked at Lowe's, and uh, I've told you this story before, so I'll tell you the quick version. Yeah, I had buddy I worked with named Luke.

SPEAKER_01 12:58

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_04 12:58

There's a bathroom, there's three urinals. He automatically went to the middle one because he's a psycho. I went to the one next to him and no, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry. Let me take that back. There were four. I picked one, he went next to me, and I said something like, Why are you standing next to me? There's another one right over there. And he said, Don't worry about it, dude. I'm no Johnny Meat Gazer. Oh, nice. Hell yeah, dude. Uh, my update, real quick, because we're on the topic of the fuck you piece of shit from last week, the spectrum thing, right? Uh-huh. The guy that uh blah blah blah blah blah, whatever, right? So the timeline is I scheduled the thing, I went out there. The guy was two hours late. I left, he called me, he didn't show up. I was like, fuck you, reschedule, okay? Yeah. So then the next guy, not that big of a deal, okay? He was early. The window was let's say from 11 to 12. I left planning to get there at like 10 50, like a little bit early. Of course. Get a couple things done, wait around a little bit, whatever. So I leave, and as I'm leaving, I get the fucking phone call. He's like, I'm here. And I was like, bro. We're not we're not doing this again. Like, I'm not going to let you just be like, well, I'm gonna go do another job, and then I'll come back. No. No, no, no. No, no, no, not happening. I think the window was 12 to 1, actually. And I was like, listen, dude. I'm 30 minutes away. You have two options. Because this is the second fucking time I've dealt with this shit. The last guy was two hours late. You're half an hour early. You can either sit the fuck tight and wait for me to get there, twiddle your little ding-dong, or you can go eat lunch at the Mexican place next door. Because the shit is happening now. And he was like, Oh wait. And I was like, I'm telling you, if you want to go eat lunch, I'm half an hour away. He was like, okay, I'll go eat lunch. So we went and eat lunch, installed the internet, everything went fine until I tried to do my end of the thing, and he fucking did some shit wrong. So that that was annoying. I just had a call, sat on the phone for an hour with their tech support guy, who then could also not do his job right. So they he sent out another technician. This technician showed up, but wait, there's more. Two guys showed up to replace the router that they put in with another router that can actually do what I needed to do. Two guys. Neither one of them could figure out where we were. So they parked on the opposite side of the place, and I had to stand outside like a fucking retard, waving my arms around like an idiot to get them to come over. And they called they didn't look over, they called me, and I was like, over here. And they were like, oh, poker. They came over and he's fucking his fucking dick. This fucking dumb motherfucker. Was like oh I don't have that router. And I was like, well, and he was like, Well, I'm gonna send this other guy back to the original place half an hour away to go get one and then come back. And I was like, here's the thing. I need this to happen today. I don't have an option. This has to be fucking done. We're already behind because of you guys. So I will wait with uh with with anger in my heart for this fucking pimple-faced retard with no chin, this this this chin mogged fucking incel to drive back to the other town to get the thing and come back. That's an hour of waiting for him to go get it and then come back, and then another 30 minutes or so for them to put it in. I haven't mentioned this yet. They showed up at 3 30. I got off work at 4. I did not get home yesterday until 6.49. We had man practice at 8. Pieces of shit. It sucked. It was annoying. It was really gay and shitty. And and and and they put the new router in, and they set it up wrong. And Spectrum is really fucking gay, and they keep changing the way they do shit, and I had no ability to fix it myself, even though I know how to. So, what did I do, Jake? I sat on the phone with their phone support for another fucking hour to get it fixed. And I did not leave that town until 6 o'clock, and it took me 45 minutes to get home. So it's all good now. That's the thing. The thing about Spectrum is everything leading up to the final product is cancer AIDS, gay, stupid shit. Yeah. In that order. Yeah, yeah. And then once it's set up, it just works. It just works. It just works. It works fine. It's all good. Hardly anything ever goes wrong.

SPEAKER_08 18:33

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:34

So it's like, yeah. For fucking two weeks. Well, well, okay, I'll take that back. The whole porting phone numbers thing. You remember when I brought that up a year ago? Yeah. Still a problem. Still a problem. Nice. They just emailed me a week ago and they were like, This is how this is how you know I'm at my wits' end with it. They were like, oh, we uh everything was good to go, but then there was uh we hit a little bit of a roadblock, so it's gonna be like another uh two weeks. And I emailed back and I said, What's two weeks? I've waited a fucking year to get this done. What's another two weeks? I think I can handle it. Jesus Christ. Yep.

SPEAKER_08 19:25

Even he can't help you.

SPEAKER_04 19:26

Retards. Anyway, that's my update from last week. We got a segment this week that's a little bit more silly, funny, fun, fun, good times.

SPEAKER_08 19:34

Yeah. Sorry everyone for being a little bitch, I guess.

SPEAKER_04 19:38

Just be sorry to Jody and Nick and everybody else.

SPEAKER_08 19:45

What?

SPEAKER_04 19:47

There's something wrong. Something's wrong.

SPEAKER_08 19:49

But it was working.

SPEAKER_04 19:50

It was totally. Let's just let me see if this one works. Would you rather it's fucked up? What? I can see that they can hear it, but we cannot. So hey, I'm just gonna hit the drop for the segment that we're doing.

SPEAKER_08 20:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:06

You're all gonna hear it. We're not. Whatever, dude. I guess we'll just be in the dark. Yeah. Whatever. Hey guys. You voluntarily picked this show as the one you listen to. So, like, with that in mind, yeah, I'm not sorry.

SPEAKER_08 20:37

It's your fault.

SPEAKER_04 20:38

At all.

SPEAKER_08 20:39

It's your fault.

SPEAKER_04 20:40

If you if this is the ride you're happy to be on, come along with us as the journey continues.

SPEAKER_08 20:46

Yeah, but it's your fault. Obliterated it. Just know that it's your fault. Uh I spurgy spooks. Yeah. When we don't hear the drop, it's hard to get into the vibe of the thing, you know?

SPEAKER_04 20:58

If by any chance, like they didn't actually you know what it is, bro? I can see the problem right now.

SPEAKER_08 21:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 21:05

That got muted somehow. Wow. Hey, do over. I know they heard it. I know they heard it. We're gonna play the whole thing. I'm gonna stop. I have the ability to stop it early. I'm not gonna stop it early. I gotta get it to the best segment we have. And it's worth the wait. The 20 minutes of you guys not giving a fuck about any of this shit before. Right. Get ready, because this is good. This is a good segment.

SPEAKER_08 21:42

Man, I really want to go to the Discord and see what everyone said, but I'm I'm saving it off. Like I gotta wait until I'm gonna feel bad about myself after the shit. That's a good idea. Uh I probably should have waited to tell you. No, it's cool. It's fine. Uh no, because it is what it is. It's been a week. They've all gotten over it now. True. Need to forget it. They're back anyway, idiots. Yeah, you're listening again. Uh uh. Uh mine's pretty short. How long is yours? Too long. Okay. So mine's pretty short. It's by the same author from last week.

SPEAKER_04 22:14

That was two weeks ago.

SPEAKER_08 22:16

Two or three. Last time I should have said, my bad. Picked the wrong word. Stupid brain. Uh yeah, same dude.

SPEAKER_04 22:24

And uh that's exciting because it was really, really same amount of commas I'm already seeing.

SPEAKER_08 22:28

Oh, yes. Uh here we go. This, uh, I just don't know what direction this is gonna go, and I love that. My local racist is becoming nice. It started to scare the neighborhood. That's it. That is a sentence. That is the title.

SPEAKER_04 22:46

I'll tell you what that is. There's a word missing. That is one of the craziest starts to a story I think I've ever heard. That that concept. That concept in and of itself is so crazy, there's no way this is good.

SPEAKER_08 22:59

No. No. And uh this next paragraph is an entire sentence of with just a bunch of commas. There is no period. I want you to imagine a place very calm, clean, and cared for. That was my neighborhood. Everyone knew each other, everything was nice, but then we get to the bad thing. This is all commas, Tyler. Dog. There's not a period in this commas that I've read so far.

SPEAKER_04 23:29

Commas aside, that's such a funny way to start a horror horror story. I know, but then we get to the bad part.

SPEAKER_08 23:37

Yeah. What the hell? Everything has pros and cons, and our con was our neighbor. He lived three houses down from me.

SPEAKER_04 23:47

Is that a double entendre?

SPEAKER_08 23:49

Oh, yeah, man. Yeah, okay. Uh when he first came over, I went over to him to ask if he needed any help. I wanted to help out anyone I could. That was all one sentence with just commas. Literally, that's the first paragraph I just read. Not a period in it.

SPEAKER_04 24:07

I don't know what it is this week. I'm not that hung up on grammar. I am. And I'm I'm more locked into the story, and all I can think about is like I moved recently. I've moved a lot of times. Yeah. I've never introduced myself to the neighbors or like tried to help them with anything. And it makes me think that the people that do that are the actual monsters. Yeah. They're the nose. They're only there because they want to nose around. Yeah. They want to get their nose all up in your shit and see what's going on in there.

SPEAKER_08 24:36

I'm skeptical every time the neighbor comes over early, you know, or too soon. I mean, yeah. I need to we need to catch each other outside. Organically, yes.

SPEAKER_04 24:45

Exactly. We happen to we're both bringing our trash cans to the road or checking the mail at the same time. Exactly. And then there's your opportunity. But if you come and knock on my door, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 25:00

It's not 1950 no more, dude.

SPEAKER_04 25:03

If you're uh you better have a casserole if you're gonna do that 1950. Yeah, dude, yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_08 25:07

If you ain't got a pie dish in your hand, yeah, or some jello at least.

SPEAKER_05 25:12

The jello mold with that.

SPEAKER_08 25:13

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. You better be wearing a dress, bitch. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 25:19

There's part of me that gets real horny when I see those like 50s gals with the floral dresses.

SPEAKER_08 25:25

The first two episodes of WandaVision really fucked your shit up, didn't they?

SPEAKER_04 25:29

I don't know if it was that I don't know. Maybe it's fallout. I don't know. That it probably is fallout. But the girls with the like they got the big bump in their hand. Man, I would fucking tear the thing is too, they've never been fucked like a dude from the 21st century. You know what I mean? Like they're just being laid on top of and humped for 30 seconds. Yeah, right. Like none of those gals have ever just been fucking obliterated. Obliterated it.

SPEAKER_08 25:55

Demolished.

SPEAKER_04 25:56

Maybe I'm just real horny this week.

SPEAKER_08 25:59

Maybe. Uh I walked over into his driveway. Hey, I said with a smile, my name is Henry. I stood and he turned around. He was a big man, bald, muscular, and it says it's A-N-E, but I believe he meant and. And his style was like a skinhead. Nowadays, looking like a skinhead doesn't make you one. You just like the style, in which I'm fine with. I have a n a neighbor who dresses like an Irish man. Dressing all, because he found out his grandpa is Irish. Now I'm reading it like he wrote it. Sup, Henry. He said, staring into my eyes. Made me feel a little uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_04 26:39

Hank is, you know, the thingy if you're Henry, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 26:43

After two seconds, he spoke. Oh, sorry, my name is Dexter. I nodded. Well, hello, Dexter.

SPEAKER_04 26:49

Hi, I'm Dexter, the racist.

SPEAKER_08 26:52

Well, hello, Dexter. I just wanted to know if you need any help with packing or just helping you take the boxes into your beautiful home. I said, looking at the many boxes in his car.

SPEAKER_04 27:03

No one has ever said those words out loud. That's the thing about He's a serial killer. These people that write don't think about what people say out loud. Right. Let me help you with those boxes into your beautiful home.

SPEAKER_08 27:18

Said the fucker. Creepy robotic smart. Autism robot.

SPEAKER_04 27:21

What the fuck, dude? You gotta write like you talk.

SPEAKER_08 27:24

Right. That's insane. This is crazy. And also, why would he need help with packing? His shit is in the fucking trailer you're looking at, or whatever.

unknown 27:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_08 27:36

Uh yeah. Um, looking at the mini boxes in his car. In his car, it says sorry. Dexter looked at me and the boxes and nodded. Yeah, sure. I will be grateful.

SPEAKER_00 27:48

Again, dude. Yes, sure, sir. I will be grateful for your assistance.

SPEAKER_08 27:54

Everyone is butters. This dude's stories. So we got to work. The box shifted as I picked it up. The top flap opened slightly. I wasn't trying to peek. Dot dot dot.

SPEAKER_04 28:06

I peeked at your flaps.

SPEAKER_08 28:07

But the but the bright red fabric caught my eye. Then I saw the black symbol in the white circle. My stomach dropped. Not when, but then I saw the black circle. I quickly looked forward. That's not like something I would write that would just be shit out of my head onto the page. And then I go back and I'm like, it should be wind, I'm asking and change it. Okay. Uh I quickly looked forward, not trying to look suspicious. Like if I was looking at something I wasn't supposed to. Yeah, that would be suspicious, bud. Oh my god. As I got to the living room and put the box down, I started to think, dot, dot, dot, maybe his a historian or something. Maybe he collects World War II stuff. I tried not to think about it too much, two with one. That was the last box anyway. Dexter thanked me and I got on my way. You said there were boxes in the car, so you just let him grab like seven boxes and you grabbed one.

SPEAKER_04 29:05

I carried the one racist box. I think I think I've done the heavy lifting on you.

SPEAKER_08 29:10

My heart sure has. Um the next day when I was enjoying my cup of tea, I I got a knock on my door. I stood up and walked over. I checked my window first to see who it was. I don't have a peak hole. Peep. Peak. A peak hole. Oh, god damn it. And it was Emma. She lives this sentence is it should be read. And it was Emma. She lives next to me. She comes over for tea.

SPEAKER_04 29:38

All those commas, and he didn't put them where they should be later.

SPEAKER_08 29:41

Yeah. And it was Emma. She lives next to me. She comes over sometimes for tea. I opened the door and I spoke. Hi, Emma. You came over for tea?

SPEAKER_04 29:56

This guy's autistic.

SPEAKER_08 29:58

You got a proofread, brother. She was looking.

SPEAKER_04 30:00

Would you like to play Sonic the Hedgehog with me?

SPEAKER_08 30:03

Do you have like a friend that is not like you that you would describe as very much not like you? Have them read these stories and give them a nice once over before you fucking post them.

SPEAKER_04 30:14

What I'm jealous of is imagine the confidence. He sat down, he banged this out in one go, did not read over it. He he typed this into the text box on Reddit. He didn't type it into the Word where it would be like, hey dog, too many commas and shit. You know what I'm saying? He typed this into the Reddit box without Grammarly plug-in and just hit submit without reading it again at all.

SPEAKER_08 30:39

That's a winner.

SPEAKER_04 30:40

That dude is that dude's a Brad. He's not even a chat. He's a Bradley.

SPEAKER_06 30:46

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 30:47

Oh my god. This is like the Louis C.K. joke where he says, I'm smart enough to know how stupid I am.

SPEAKER_03 30:52

Right.

SPEAKER_08 30:53

Yeah. Uh she was looking at me playing like this guy's just not. He's not that smart. She was looking at me playing with her hands. Wait, what? Yeah. Okay. Looking nervous. I picked up on the weird behavior. Are you okay? You seem nervous. You gotta use a different word for the quote than you did for the discretion.

SPEAKER_04 31:14

If self-awareness was grass, this dude would be an interstate.

SPEAKER_08 31:19

After a little bit, she spoke. Just a little bit, Tyler. After a little bit, she spoke. Uh, you need to see this. Before I could reply. It's E H H H. So it could be, hey, you need to see this if she was Canadian. Before I could reply, she took my arm and lead me, led me. Sorry, that is correct. My bad. I I'm the dumbass in that instance. Led me three houses down. When she stopped, I noticed that we were standing in front of the Dexter house. Wait, in front of Dexter House. My brain saw Dexter without the apostrophe S and was like, it must have the and it doesn't. It's in front of Dexter House. TM registered trademark. Oh god, it gets better. Why you took me here? I said, confused. She then pointed somewhere. I looked where she was pointing. She was pointing at Dexter's upstairs window, and then I noticed it.

SPEAKER_04 32:18

Hitler.

SPEAKER_08 32:19

A Nazi flag covering the window. My jaw dropped. I was in disbelief. How could someone just dot dot dot do that with a period? You have to do something about it, Emma said. Me, how you seen this guy?

SPEAKER_06 32:35

Oh my seen this?

SPEAKER_03 32:39

I feel like we're just making fun of a retarded kid now.

SPEAKER_06 32:42

I think we might be.

SPEAKER_03 32:43

We might be just making fun of it.

SPEAKER_08 32:44

We have to finish this one though. How you seen this guy? He looks like he could rip me in half. I said, looking at Emma, come on. Half come on, we have to do something. We can't have that in our neighborhood. Neighborhood with a U. Maybe they are Canadian. They're uh British. Yeah, maybe one or the other, yeah. They were colouring. I looked back. I looked back the window and the flag. I sighed. Fine, I said while walking to the front door. I knocked twice. I could hear heavy footsteps coming to the door. While I was looking back at Emma, the door opened. Sup, Henry, Dexter Dexter said. I quickly turned around to face him. Hey, Dexter, I hope you've been doing great, but I I was then cut off by Dexter. Yeah, I know why you're here. Can you guess if it's the correct usage of your? It's not.

SPEAKER_04 33:35

You're here for the clan meeting in the backyard.

SPEAKER_08 33:38

You want me to take down my flag, but that ain't happening. First amendment. I looked at him, thinking about how to get him to take it down. How about you just put a German flag instead? So people just think you're from Germany, huh? Wow. I took a little pause. I seen that he wasn't going to back down.

SPEAKER_04 33:58

I know you don't hate everyone like the Jews, so perhaps maybe German heritage. Shut up. Plus, there's kids here. Have you heard of the Sega Genesis?

SPEAKER_08 34:11

Plus, there's kids here, and you will get fined for that. You could just pay the fine, of course, but it will stack up.

SPEAKER_04 34:17

I'm almost positive that's not true.

SPEAKER_08 34:19

Yeah. He looked like he was thinking about I don't have a German flag.

unknown 34:23

What?

SPEAKER_08 34:24

I don't have a German flag, so you gotta wait till I get one. He said that with a smirk. That pissed me off, but I stayed calm and knew that there's no point of asking to take it down. So, all right, just wait here. I quickly walked towards my home. Emma looked confused.

SPEAKER_04 34:41

Do you have Amazon Prime?

SPEAKER_08 34:43

I I opened my door and went down my basement. You remember when I said that maybe he collects World War II stuff?

SPEAKER_04 34:50

Dog, he did not write that. You remember earlier when I had said that? Yeah. Dude, you just know.

SPEAKER_08 34:57

Yeah, because I do. Yeah, because I do. That's how I was supposed to inflect it. Sorry. And thought I would have a new friend to enjoy my hobby with. But I guess not. I went through my flags and took out uh Imperial. He meant to say Imperial. It says Imperal. German flag. I took it and went back. I seen Dexter sitting on the stairs of his home while Emma stood there with her arms crossed, uncomfortable. Here, I said, handing the flag to Dexter. Thanks. Didn't knew you rock like that. Dexter said, looking at the flag like people look at the cross. That is the best line of dialogue in the entire story, though, so far.

SPEAKER_04 35:35

Didn't know you rock like that. And then he threw up the devil's horns as if he were a metal band guy.

SPEAKER_08 35:44

Dexter said, looking at the flag like people look at the cross. I just What? Sorry. I just collect nothing else. I said, looking at Dexter, now annoyed. Alright, thanks though. He got back to his home. Emma approached me. Thanks, she said. While we were going back, I looked and noticed him taking down the flag. Alright, why did I just tell you all of that? That's really what he writes in the story. Well, B c's B IQs. That's the only time he was quote nice, quote, with apostrophes. And understanding, I'll tell you what he done after five weeks of being here. One, in hit or numbered, one, in his driveway, he made a little saluting area. Meaning he was he has a huge picture of Hitler and does the Nazi salute. Dog. Two, when one of the neighbors knocked on his door to tell him to turn down the music, what he did, he turned the volume way up and put on Hitler's speech for over 20 minutes. Three, he's just a dick when his outside. Four, throw tomatoes at my black friend. He fucking loves tomatoes, dude. He just loves them. So he's got 'em on hand. Four. Throw tomatoes at my black friend. Oh my god, that's that's glorious.

SPEAKER_04 37:40

I'm legitimately I'm so lightheaded. I'm fuck, bro. I'm fucking, I'm seriously concerned I'm gonna pass out. That made me so lightheaded.

SPEAKER_08 37:50

Hold on. There can't be any zingers like that in the next paragraph.

SPEAKER_04 37:54

I have not laughed like that in over a decade.

SPEAKER_02 37:59

Throw tomatoes at my black friend. What he did?

SPEAKER_04 38:02

Throw tomatoes at my black friend.

SPEAKER_08 38:07

Hey, he made a great choice. The author made a great choice in uh leaving that to the end. Imagine I thought it was gonna be five things for five weeks, but it's fine.

SPEAKER_04 38:17

I want to rewrite this story so bad and make it worse.

SPEAKER_00 38:21

What he did, throwed rotten badetta at my black friend.

SPEAKER_08 38:26

You can you can see now that we really didn't like him, but I knew there was some good in him, so I kept being nice to him, invited him over for tea. He mostly didn't come, but when he did, he just spoke about how great the Nazis and so on. And he spoke also about the blacks, but you already know what he said.

SPEAKER_04 38:47

He said, Check out this podcast I found, it's called Far Right. They say the N-word sometimes, it's really cool. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 38:56

They didn't bleep it out at first, so you can probably go back and you know, sins can be forgiven. After a year of this, something changed. I noticed it when I was walking to the store passing Dexter's home. I wanted to check his window if he put that Nazi flag back on, but there was nothing. I didn't pay attention to it really and went on my way. Then days later, we had a grill day in my backyard, and people and people started to talk about Dexter. I thought that it's going to be like usual hating on him, but no, they were saying that he smiled and waved at them, that he helped out. I didn't see anything because I was on a trip. Oh my god, you had to make up the fucking device after the fact. I was on holiday to make it make sense for your train of thought story. One of them told me that Dexter fixed the fence. Wait, hold on. One of them told me that Dexter fixed the French. French? God, I wish I had caught that the first time.

SPEAKER_00 39:56

Well, he had originally thrown tomatoes at it.

SPEAKER_08 40:00

The one he hid behind after he threw tomatoes at Jamal. Uh, even of his good deeds, people said something was weird about him. His voice was different. He never blinked while speaking. I started to get a little worried. Maybe he got himself in drugs or something else. Next day, I was looking through my bedroom window, drinking coffee. Oh no. Oh, we switched to coffee now.

SPEAKER_04 40:23

Oh no, my skinhead neighbor that salutes Hitler on his driveway might have got in drug. Oh no, I was concerned for him.

SPEAKER_08 40:32

He's drinking coffee. I won't lie, I was trying to see Dexter and his weird behavior. While I was looking at Emma working on her garden, on her graydon, I mean on her graden, dude. I I fucking missed the spelling error because I was like, why are you just watching Emma out of your fucking house, dude? That's weird. Uh out of your bedroom window. Uh he was looking at Emma working on her graydon. She noticed me and waved at me. We know this isn't uh based on real events because any woman would then have a scared look on her face and run into the eye.

SPEAKER_04 41:03

The real horror story is from Emma's perspective. My autistic neighbor won't try. Stop staring at me out his window.

SPEAKER_08 41:10

He grabbed my arm and pulled me to my Nazi neighbor's house to watch to watch me then walk back to his house and get another flag. Uh what the fuck? Yeah, she noticed me and waved at me. I waved back, and while doing so, in the corner of my eye, I seen Dexter walking, but something was wrong. He had a full set of hair. Why is that weird? Because once when I invited him for tea, he told me that he can't grow hair. And even if he could, his hairline would be pushed back. He had the straightest hairline I ever seen. He made me feel like I was balding. Dexter walked to Emma.

SPEAKER_04 41:46

That's such a weird fucking thing to say.

SPEAKER_08 41:48

I know, I know. I'm I'm hoping it makes sense later.

SPEAKER_04 41:51

His hairline is so straight, I feel as though I am balding.

SPEAKER_08 41:54

I say later, but we are almost to the end here randomly. Dexter walked to Emma. I could see him talking to her, but Emma just stood there stiff, like she was frozen. You could have just said she was frozen.

SPEAKER_04 42:05

As if though she were Elsa.

SPEAKER_08 42:07

I could see the fear in her. When Dexter left, I quickly ran outside. I went over to Emma. What happened? I said, worried. She slowly turned her head to face me. He his eyes were black. The pauses were dot not. I looked at her. What? I said, confused. He's sclera was just pure black. That's gotta be a typo, right? What a pull.

SPEAKER_04 42:35

Uh my what a pull this man has has accomplished.

SPEAKER_08 42:40

Sclera? Is that a word? Yes.

SPEAKER_04 42:42

That's a word I don't know, and this guy knows?

SPEAKER_08 42:44

Yes. Do I need to kill myself?

SPEAKER_04 42:46

I mean, I think he did a hot goog real quick.

SPEAKER_08 42:49

Sclera? Is that like your eye? That's the innards of your iris and your pupil together? Is the sclera?

SPEAKER_04 42:57

Basically, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 42:58

Okay. My eyes, I know every other I word, but I don't know that one. My eyes widen and I open. He should have. Okay. Uh my eyes widen. He should have italicized my or something. So because you're talking about eyes.

SPEAKER_04 43:12

My eyes have seen the glory of the trampling at the zoo.

SPEAKER_08 43:16

We washed ourselves in blood and all the mongrels, too. Yes. Taking down the war machine. Jew by Jew by Jew. The white man marches on. The only reason I know that's Legion of Skanks.

SPEAKER_04 43:30

Yeah, I was I didn't want to say this and be wrong. The sclera is like the outside, like the membrane between the outside of your eye and all the shit on the inside.

SPEAKER_08 43:40

Got it. So it's the white part is black.

SPEAKER_04 43:42

It's it's the clear part that you can't really see.

SPEAKER_08 43:45

Oh, so his entire eye. Yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 43:47

Like the whole outside membrane got his eye turned black, so you can't see the iris or any of that.

SPEAKER_08 43:52

Yeah. So the crust. If your eye was the earth, it would be the crust.

SPEAKER_04 43:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 43:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 43:56

Or like the the the stratosphere. Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 43:59

Okay. Yeah, okay, sure. You yeah, the ozone layer. Yes. You got it. We got there. Uh that's the best example. Or our tea or coffee when we randomly feel like.

SPEAKER_04 44:11

In the neighborhood while we were colouring.

SPEAKER_08 44:14

Yep. Uh with Anur. My my eyes I'm gonna fix it. My eyes widen. I opened my mouth to say something, but a scream interrupted me. I looked towards where the scream was. It was coming from Dexter's house. I, without thinking, ran towards it. I got up the stairs. I opened the door. I looked around. The screaming has stopped. Silence. I couldn't even hear my own breathing. The door somehow closed. It was dark. What? Then I heard a noise upstairs. I was so out of fuck. I'm fucking it up. Then I heard a noise upstairs. It was so out of nowhere, it hurt my ears. I hold my ear, felt blood dripping. Ow. I walked up stickers. I walked upstairs towards the noise. I could hear it better. It was a sound of something eating. Slowly opening the door. I saw it. Dexter quote eating someone that looked like our favorite Irish man.

SPEAKER_04 45:21

You know what this story is? This is ice cream with cookies and brownies and candy. Eat it's too rich. Yeah. With like there's so much bad about it that it's almost too good. Yeah. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_08 45:38

Yeah, I get what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh there's there's like two more sentences and then we're done. Uh eating Irish. Dexter eating someone that looked like our favorite Irishman. Not Irishman, Irish man. There's a space. Uh Dexter face was just teeth. No, yeah. No uh uh what's that word? What's the word? No uh, you know, possession. Just just Dexter face. Dexter face was just teeth. Right, right, right. That took way too long to come up with a possession. Maybe some sins can't be forgiven. So we've taken we've taken some steps back from the prison story, in my opinion.

SPEAKER_04 46:24

In my opinion, that was the greatest story ever.

SPEAKER_08 46:27

I mean, black people were hit with tomatoes, and that is funny. But it it but uh the the story didn't wrap around as nicely as last time. With with the whole thing that with the Snickers bar and the thing.

SPEAKER_04 46:42

He got bored of writing the story and was just like sometimes sin cannot forgive and big teeth scary man eat. There was that legitimately was just a bunch of fucking words.

SPEAKER_08 46:58

It feels like a troll.

SPEAKER_04 46:59

It wasn't a story. That was just a bunch of fucking words.

SPEAKER_08 47:03

To go to go off of your thing about it's too rich, it almost makes it feel like a troll. It makes it feel like a work. Like someone wrote this on purpose this bad.

unknown 47:14

I don't know, man.

SPEAKER_08 47:15

This bad lead.

SPEAKER_07 47:16

I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 47:18

I don't know what's true and what's real and what's not.

SPEAKER_08 47:21

I know.

SPEAKER_04 47:22

It's I'm I'm halfway between I cannot stop thinking about how funny it is that he threw tomatoes at this guy's black friends. Right and everything else about the story was so fucking bad it doesn't seem real. Like I feel like I'm having a weird dream.

SPEAKER_08 47:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 47:44

That I can't believe he's outraged he was banned from Mosley. Yeah, yeah. Guy can't he can't write a story. That wasn't a story, Jake. No, nothing happened that led into what happened.

SPEAKER_08 48:03

No, yeah, no.

SPEAKER_04 48:04

Everything about it was not believable. It wasn't re the dialogue wasn't real human language that people use. Nothing led into what, how, why, yeah, the questions you ask yourself when you're writing a story, none of that was taken into consideration. It was word salad of Nazi bad teeth, have kill bad sins, good, not good. End of fucking story.

SPEAKER_08 48:33

I wanted to say, like, hey, I wanted to like I've thought about like what if I give advice of like watch some fucking YouTube videos about writing a story, but um that now I'm thinking, having read that, that's like telling someone with one hand to watch Mario Kart tutorials. Yeah, you know, that's a weird correlation. He doesn't have this person, does not have the ability to write a good story, and that is why it feels like we're making fun of a retarded person. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 49:07

Like he's clearly read stories on no sleep and was like, I could do that.

SPEAKER_08 49:12

Right.

SPEAKER_04 49:12

I could write a story, but you got a long way to go.

SPEAKER_08 49:15

Be just I'm thinking of like the grammar deficiency, the like the there's there's too much to teach.

SPEAKER_04 49:23

You could literally there's so much bad about the story writing that you could take the grammar out of the equation and still get an F minus minus. You're right. That's that's kind of that's kind of my point. You could have perfect grammar, so good grammar with words we've never heard before, uh-huh that you think it's wrong because it's so right, you know? Yeah. With semicolons in places you would have never thought. But the story is so lacking in literally everything that makes a story, right? That it still is the worst thing ever written.

SPEAKER_08 49:56

Yeah.

unknown 49:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 49:58

With that said, please write more. I'm saying the fundamentals are just gone. Like there's just none of that to build story writing on top of.

SPEAKER_07 50:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 50:11

You know, there's no there's no foundation to start laying the two by fours down and and making studs and walls happen and shit. There's nothing to start with. I'm sorry, brother. I know that's that's mean. I hope this person never finds this podcast and that we've made fun of multiple of their stories. But bro, you can go back and find mine and try to make fun of that, but if it was one of our friends. It's dildo master, or it's or it's Mike, or it seems like a Mike thing.

SPEAKER_04 50:45

Dude, it's it's like it's Mike.

SPEAKER_08 50:50

No, it's it can't be Mike. Even Mike, there's not a chance it would be this bad, dude.

SPEAKER_04 50:54

I don't know that we could like physically be friends with somebody that's stupid. I don't, yeah, there's not a chance. In the general sense of humanity, just not good brain half good.

SPEAKER_08 51:06

Yeah, crazy crazy. Hard, hard to follow up after that. No, yeah, for sure. That I probably I I didn't think about it. Next time I have one of their stories, I'm gonna go last. Because god damn. I'm I can't believe I found the gold mine. Usually it's you uh with your fucking IT brain where you find the filter uh in the thing and you figure it out faster than me, and I'm just back here fucking fumbling.

SPEAKER_04 51:33

He here's here's the dichotomy to that is today I opened up Reddit, and the second story I saw sounded perfect. So the strategy strategy doesn't always have to take uh account, but um, I mean, we're already almost at an hour. I'm gonna do my best to get this story, it's a little bit long. I'll try to get through it as quick as I can. I think the writer did a better job of like writing a story down and maybe proofreading it a little bit, and they just ended up, you know, not being a good story writer, probably perhaps. But um I'm gonna I'm gonna give it the old college try. Hell yeah. Not sure that anyone will ever top throwing tomatoes at my black friends. Yeah, um difficult. But I'll do my best. Difficult to top that. I will say I was thinking about it and I do I did realize that I forgot to play the um the like bed music for that. But I now that it didn't happen, I think that it would have been the wrong vibe.

SPEAKER_08 52:34

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 52:35

I think it fits mine better, so I am gonna uh cripple you.

SPEAKER_08 52:39

It only becomes a horror story at the very end. The last non-sentence.

SPEAKER_04 52:47

You know the uh there's a Reddit page for like two sentence horror stories? Yeah, yeah. That story would have been better if he just did the last two sentences on that. Yeah. His face was all teeth. Sometimes sin cannot for be given. You know? Perfect. Nailed it. Good job, buddy. Yeah, you did it. You did the thing. Good job. But uh, I'm gonna get the bed music going for mine. I gotta fix the volume because our new thing doesn't really like when you adjust the volume, it doesn't persist. Yeah, yeah. I think that's probably the appropriate volume. Yeah. Okay, buddy boy, palate cleanse. Everybody forget everything you just heard. Yeah. Because this is a different thing. All right? Different vibe. We're not uh just like watching the Special Olympics going, haha, you can't pole vault. You're in a wheelchair and you can't run. You know, we're gonna we're gonna somebody made a real attempt here.

SPEAKER_08 53:49

Oscar Piss Storious.

SPEAKER_04 53:51

Yeah, piss story.

SPEAKER_08 53:52

I just realized my brain conflated the pit the Paralympics and the Special Olympics.

SPEAKER_04 53:59

That's fine. That's fine. Um, okay. So the title of this story is I taught my dog to use talking buttons. What she told me terrified me. Did you see this one? I have this saved. Did you?

SPEAKER_08 54:14

Yep, yep.

SPEAKER_04 54:14

I only saw it today.

SPEAKER_08 54:16

Just from the headline. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 54:17

I haven't read anything. Well, perfect. I'm just taking away from you for the future. Here we go. My dog, Cookie, is a high-energy papillion mix with big furry ears and tufts of long fur. And when I first adopted her, I almost returned her because for the first three days she wouldn't stop crying. Now, of course, she is my baby. One thing that helped a lot with her energy levels and her constant boredom was the buttons. I'm sure you've seen them. Oh there's an EM dash here. I'm sensing a little bit of AI going on. Those buttons you record with your voice that dogs can press to say things like food or play or outside. Some people even train their cats with them. I've been thinking about that by the way. Cookie is up to 20 buttons. Sometimes she'll hit nonsense sequences, of course. And she seems to think ouch is a reaction to surprise. Also, I'm not sure if she grasps the emotions mad, sad, and love you. Though on days when I'm curled up on the sofa crying from the stress at work, and she hits love you, of course I want to believe she knows what it means. Even if she doesn't, it still makes me feel better. I think because there's a lot of those, like you can tell when it's a button sound when it's all caps. I think I want to do the love you. You know, like the robot voice.

SPEAKER_07 55:51

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 55:52

It's an AI story anyway, so even though she's imperfect in quote unquote talking with her paws, Cookie is well trained and intentional, at least with her most tangible wants, like outside and food. Though I'll admit it's annoying to be woken up in the middle of the night with demands for food, food, food. Anyway, anyway is my favorite thing in stories. It's literally like uh its own paragraph. Anyway. One night, I was woken up by the sound of my recorded voice from the living room. Stranger! Why is that a button? I I guess that I guess with a dog, like instead of barking. This was followed by patter the patterning of cookie's little paws, followed by Stranger! Outside! I admit, my heart skipped a beat. I lay in bed, huddled under the blankets, reluctant to get up and investigate. For a long while, holding my breath, I lay there in silence. I listened to the dog's footsteps meander around in the main room. Finally, she pressed boo a few times before coming back into the bedroom and curling up in her bed by the nightstand. In the morning, I checked around the outside of the house, but found no traces of anything unusual. I also did a Google search and laughed when I realized how many people have been spooked by their press their pets pressing stranger. I also creeped myself out with a story from the in the Daily Mirror of a woman whose dog pressed cold stranger. According to the article, the woman was spooked by her dog's warnings of this cold stranger in the corner of her living room. This person definitely Googled that for sure. Uh but in my case, Cookie wasn't warning me of any ghosts. One morning she hit stranger before running to the door and growling. This was the correct usage of the button as a UPS driver was outside. I almost said UPS. Ups, ups, stranger. When the doorbell rang, she actually barked, something she rarely does. Her hackles raised, tail down and ears flat. I had to apologize to the driver as I accepted the package and cookie kept rumbling low and deep in her throat. I told her, go away, and she skulked off. Behind me somewhere I heard the button for stranger again. Sorry, I told the driver, who was laughing. She doesn't like strange men. She sounds smart then. Do those buttons actually work? He was intrigued. Outside! Yeah, she seems to know them pretty well, so Food! Mad Sometimes she presses them kinda randomly too, I admitted. Okay, well she sounds mad and like she wants food. Have a good day. I don't know what Cookie's history was before being adopted, but she's always been a bit leery of men. At least until they're brib they've bribed her with her favorite thing, food. In any case, later that afternoon she pressed stranger again, and when I looked outside, there was a turkey in her front yard. That's when it struck me. The other night Cookie must have seen a raccoon or some other animal that was a stranger to her. But then came the incident that made me rethink everything. I'd just come back from a visit with my parents, and as soon as Cookie and I walked in, her hackles raised. Okay. This is what makes me like go, okay, maybe it's not AI. Yeah, right. There have been too many errors. I've heard two or three errors. I've big I've tried to ignore them, but this one's pretty bad. Like, as soon as I hang on, let me find it. And as soon as Cookie and I walked in, her hackles raised, period. That's not the end of a sentence. I was unloading the bags when I heard stranger, home. This sent a crawl of icy fingers up my spine. Cookie wasn't growling or barking, but she was unusually alert. Stranger, where? I asked. When Cookie just looked at me, I repeated myself. She looked around the room, and then she trotted off to wander through the kitchen. Came back out and went down the hall to the bedroom. Came back to me and wandered over the buttons. Smell Smell? Hmm. Okay. God, the chills I felt then. Did this mean there was a lingering smell of some stranger? Could it have been a strange animal? A squirrel that got in through the window, maybe?

unknown 1:00:34

What the fuck?

SPEAKER_04 1:00:35

Why would you guess that? I will say, as a as a little aside, I've talked to you about like my uh when I was really when I was younger and me and my mom were really poor and we lived in like this really shitty house with a hole in the floor, the cave crickets in the shower, that whole thing. There was a cave cricket in my shower today when I was taking a shower. Yeah. And I had the all of the emotions. Oh yeah. All of the mixed emotions of like, Am I really back? Am I am I mentally back in that place? Because like, you know, I killed it with the shampoo bottle. And I've never slammed a shampoo bottle that hard against a wall. Damn. I obliterated it. Obliterated. Obliterated it. Um anyway. Came back to me as a smell. The squirrel thing got me. A squirrel that got in through the window, maybe? Yeah, yeah. When has that ever happened in the history of humans? Uh-huh. Wishful thinking. Crazy. Or the smell of something I brought in from outside. I went walking around the house. No signs of force entry, though I do keep a key under a flower pot that anyone with half a brain and determination to break in could probably find. Then why did you plug it?

SPEAKER_07 1:01:47

Then fucking don't leave it there, dumbass.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:50

It's a safe neighborhood, so I hadn't thought much of it. Now, though, I removed the key and decided I'd get a lockbox for the front door instead. Smart. Again, there's like That can be broken. There's a lot of ways to go about this that's not retarded. Like don't have a key outside. Keep an extra key in your car or at a neighbor's house or a friend, someone that you trust. Whatever. Like if I lock my if somehow I lock my keys inside my truck, I know that I can greatly inconvenience my best friend by calling him and telling him to grab the key that I left in the fucking podcast area and bring it to me. I I haven't made any copies of my house key yet, but that'll happen eventually, maybe one day. Yeah. If I meander into a Walmart and see one of those minute key things.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:41

Wouldn't it be funny if I have if if okay. Follow me on this. Mm-hmm. Since we only live two blocks. I know where you're going with this. Since we only live two blocks away.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:49

I really like where you're going with this. I know what's gonna happen here.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:52

We put uh uh my house key under your rock in front of your house two blocks away, and we put your house key in front of my fucking house somewhere, so all you have to do is go two blocks away and you're saved.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:10

What that's actually really smart, and that's not where I thought you were going.

SPEAKER_08 1:03:13

So then if if then here's the other angle of it though, of that situation. If the the potential uh uh burglar finds the key and then tries it, it's not gonna work, and he's gonna be so mad.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:28

Yeah, no, that's actually really smart.

SPEAKER_08 1:03:30

And he's gonna give up. He's gonna see the ring camera, and he's gonna give up.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:35

What I thought you were gonna go with was like, so I have a key to your house. Yeah, but you do not have a key to my house.

SPEAKER_08 1:03:42

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:43

Yeah, you have a key to my truck. Oh. So, like, what if like I'm trying to think of how the the the topology of the city?

SPEAKER_08 1:03:53

The logistics, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:54

I lock my key in my truck and I'm really far away, but you also locked your keys inside your house somehow. You know what I mean? Like you twisted the little mug. We're both fucked. Like you have you have my backup key to my truck and I have the backup key to your house.

SPEAKER_08 1:04:11

And my car key is locked inside my house. Yeah, I can't drive anywhere and you can't drive to your key.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:16

You can't drive to me to get the key to your place. I can't drive to you to get the key to your house or my truck. We're both just completely fucked.

SPEAKER_08 1:04:23

Yeah, yeah. In this in in the in this theoretical situation, the worst case scenario would be we would both live alone. Yeah. So then we like are totally completely fucked. I would have to call my parents and be like, hey.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:38

I got a Rube Goldberg situation for you. I need you to come here, yeah, unlock my house so I can get my keys, so I can grab his key, so I can drive to him to grab his key to grab his truck.

SPEAKER_08 1:04:48

Yeah, it's a whole that's the only that's the only people who have my uh house key is is my fucking parents for the dogs. That's what it is for the dogs.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:57

It's only also a total coincidence that my backup truck key is over here. I just it was in my pocket and I threw it on the thing over there and I just left it here.

SPEAKER_08 1:05:05

Yeah, well, that works out.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:06

But I also didn't work out, I don't have like a there's it's it would be exceedingly rare for me to lock my keys in my truck. I'd have to like take my keys out of the ignition and set them down inside the truck, hit the lock button, and then shut the door.

SPEAKER_07 1:05:20

Right, yeah, it's a whole thing, yeah. It'd be uh yeah, anyway.

SPEAKER_08 1:05:23

Anyway. I do have a garage door opener in my car though. If that were to Don't you have a keypad outside too? To save you. No, not to the garage now.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:32

I have a garage without with with a garage door opener that's not attached to the garage door.

SPEAKER_08 1:05:39

So you have to literally lift it up. Yeah, which I I haven't manually.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:43

I haven't done anything with my garage yet. Oh yeah. I'm too broke right now. Yeah, yeah. Eventually I'll get around to it. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot to do.

SPEAKER_08 1:05:53

There is.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:53

Um The squirrel through the window is funny.

SPEAKER_08 1:05:56

That was called Jake and Tyler have a casual.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:00

Personal one-on-one combo in the middle of a story. Um I went walking around the house, no signs of forced entry entry, though I do keep a key. Right, right. Lock box on the door instead. Okay. We're back in. After I found a footprint in the damp soil below the window, I decided to install cameras. Cookie, meanwhile, had calmed down, and when I came back inside, I found her camped beside the food button. Food button. But the real reason I swear by all these buttons and how beneficial they can be is because of what happened the next week. Here we go.

SPEAKER_08 1:06:36

This is how youird way to intro that, but okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:41

I was out doing some gardening gardening and I heard my name called by Greg, my supervisor at work.

SPEAKER_08 1:06:48

There's the through line gardening. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:51

He was out jogging, and we struck up a conversation. He asked if we if he could have some water, and I let him in for a drink. And as usual, Cookie was growling, tail tucked and years back, just like with the delivery driver. I want to say, I know she said what type of dog it was at the beginning. What was it up?

SPEAKER_07 1:07:10

Papillon. I think it's how it's pronounced.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:14

I've been imagining a French bulldog this whole time.

SPEAKER_08 1:07:17

I think it's more of like a more of like a curly haired dog. I mean we have to know.

SPEAKER_07 1:07:21

I I can't I can't remember. Pap. I don't know why I've been. God damn it. It's a movie.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:27

I've been picturing a French. It's P-A-P-I-L-L-O-N.

SPEAKER_07 1:07:32

Yeah, yeah. But there's a movie that is that.

SPEAKER_08 1:07:35

There we go. No, it's like a Chihuahua, basically.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:38

It looks like a Shih Tzu, kinda.

SPEAKER_08 1:07:40

Kinda. It's like a Shih Tzu and a Chihuahua mixed, really.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:43

I think you just like Chihuahuas a lot.

SPEAKER_08 1:07:44

No, dude, look at its face. That's not that's not super far from a Chihuahua's face. Not terribly. It's like a it's like what's a Shih Tzu's face look like?

SPEAKER_07 1:07:54

Oh, that's more like scrunched and and uh you know like uh like like that.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:00

Oh yeah, they got the flip I hate that they got the That's so funny.

SPEAKER_08 1:08:08

If you guys can see this fucking dog, this dog is so adorable, and Tyler goes, I fucking hate that. It's just a a happy shih tzu on a fucking chair, and he's I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:23

Let's dial it back, okay? Let's go back to the beginning of me fucking up. I think it looks like a Pomeranian.

SPEAKER_08 1:08:32

No, yeah. That's what I meant. That's the dog I was gonna say too, but chihuahuas and Pomeranians are are like weirdly alike, even though they're from completely different lines. Yeah. They do look weirdly alike.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:45

Okay, okay, okay. I'm gonna I'm gonna defend myself a little bit in this dog bullshit.

SPEAKER_08 1:08:50

Any dog where their face is like that smashed, yeah, hate it.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:57

Any dog where they have to the think. Like, if there was one thing, if you asked a child what's one thing you know about dog? The one thing they know about dog is snoot. Yeah, they have a snoot. That is like the key feature of every fucking time they put a dog's head on a human's body, what does it have, Jacob? Big ass snout. Got a fucking snoot on it, dude. Uh it's they got this, they got the crocodile thing going on. That's what makes a dog a dog. If your dog has a smashed face, it's not a dog, it's an abomination to humanity.

SPEAKER_08 1:09:33

Well, their their mouth is their hands and it is their like uh everything. They attack with their mouth, you know? The fucking paws are an afterthought. Uh-huh. Like their fucking face is what they interface with the world with.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:49

Agreed, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 1:09:50

Completely, almost almost completely. Yeah. So yeah, it is fucked up to take a dog and smash its face up. I hate it. I don't like it, and I will not support it by owning one. I I gotta have a dog with a snout. Even though chihuahuas are tiny, it's they have a regular snout. It's smaller, but it's there. It's there. It's a pronounced, it's off of their face. It's like your dick. Yeah, exactly, dude. It's smaller. It gets the job done, but it's there. It is the thing that you want it to be, but it's smaller.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:19

Smash face dogs is like the micropenis of the dog world.

SPEAKER_08 1:10:23

They are useless. Yeah. Can't do the thing it needs to do that it should be doing.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:28

Basically, just a urethra. It's just a little piss tube. Just flopping and flopping.

SPEAKER_08 1:10:42

It's just a urethra with an outside.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:45

Like a little like a little piece of regatoni.

SPEAKER_08 1:10:49

Dude, you're that's truly a noodle. It's not a noodle unless it's a micro penis. I've heard people call or refer to a dick as a noodle. It's not a noodle unless it's a micro penis. Yeah, man. That's what we've fully cemented. It's an overcooked piece of uh rigatoni. Yeah, that's microcannon. Or that's penis for the Fuck!

SPEAKER_04 1:11:14

That's cannon for the micropenis. That's a micro cannon's like a real short fat dick. Like a fucking like a little like a can of dip. My man's got a microcannon on.

SPEAKER_08 1:11:26

Like it's legit two inches long, but it is fucking summer sausage bread as fucking.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:34

It ain't going very far, but it'll blow a hole in that bitch.

SPEAKER_08 1:11:39

It's the fucking snub nose of a cock, dude.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:43

That girl got close enough, you're gonna blow a hole in her.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:46

Hell yeah. I'm realizing that this story isn't that bad, so we're having to make it more entertaining.

SPEAKER_08 1:11:53

That's the cock that Murtal has in the Lethal Weapon, I'm sure. Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:58

Um Riggs. Yeah, this is one of those things where the story isn't good or bad. It's just like whatever so far. Maybe it'll get good. Maybe I don't know.

SPEAKER_08 1:12:08

I was thinking the dog was gonna start saying super intelligent shit. I thought that's where I would have taken it. I thought the dog I've always wanted to do, and I did a story like that, actually. Yeah. One of my stories was that, but that was that was your good one. It was like a dog trip.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:23

The dog murdered me, essentially. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In your story. Yeah. Uh the real reason was have them next week. Greg and supervisor at work, jogging, gave him some water. Uh she was cookie was growling, tail tucked, and her ears back, just like with the delivery driver. I told her to go away and she backed off. Though she wouldn't stop giving Greg the stink eye. He made himself at home in the armchair by the TV area. I'm so sorry with the burps.

SPEAKER_08 1:12:52

Wait, hold on. The burps, the burps gave me a chance to ask, how did Greg pop up?

SPEAKER_04 1:12:58

Greg was jogging down the street. That's right, okay, okay. She saw him while she was gardening. That's suspicious. Okay. Yeah. Alright. Good point. There's some some good foreskinning, shadowing. I did it on purpose. He had made himself at home in the armchair by the TV area and was remarking on what a nice place I have, asking, is it just you here? When I heard my recorded voice from the living room. Oh, she recorded her own voice into the buttons. Right, okay. That's kind of weird, don't you think?

SPEAKER_08 1:13:28

No, my buttons are like that. The buttons I have. I only have four of them and I've never really used them. Interesting. I just used them to record the song that I wrote about my dog.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:37

I always just assumed that the buttons came pre like food. Food, food.

SPEAKER_08 1:13:43

Not like you because man, there's Well, it needs to be your voice because they're used to hearing your voice, you know?

SPEAKER_04 1:13:50

That makes sense. And also, it introduces a lot of opportunity for comedy. Absolutely. And I have buttons. I mean, the stranger button could say certainly.

SPEAKER_08 1:14:08

Uh the word you said at like six minutes. Five minutes, like nine minutes or whatever. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:13

Yeah, yeah. Man. I guess I can't buy these buttons. I guess I'm excluded from the button community.

SPEAKER_08 1:14:24

You definitely can't put it online.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:26

You shouldn't upload videos to Facebook of sure can never invite my girlfriend over again when my cat sees a stranger outside, or a squirrel for that matter. God have mercy. Put him on the windowsill, dude. Oh man.

SPEAKER_08 1:14:45

Trash can. N-word. It'd be funny to get uh to to like set it up where one of them is car and you teach the animal car. Like you what it is, you know? So every time one goes by, they car, like before you you hear car, and then you hear the car go by.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:03

Nice.

SPEAKER_08 1:15:03

That would be awesome. Not I I mean, it would be funny the first six times, and then it would be fucking horrific. Oh, yeah. Obviously.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:11

Yeah. My cat would only hit the food button ever. He wouldn't, he wouldn't give a flying fuck about the other buttons.

SPEAKER_08 1:15:19

Oh, wait, one of the buttons gives me food? You can just throw the others away.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:23

You can just easy.

SPEAKER_08 1:15:24

Why'd you waste your money?

SPEAKER_04 1:15:25

Why'd you buy a four-pack, idiot? I would have one that says retard. Yeah. And he would just go food, retard.

SPEAKER_08 1:15:33

Retard, food, retard food.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:35

Yeah. Uh anyway. Is it just you here when I heard my recorded voice from the living room? Stranger, smell. Now we saw the foreshadowing weren't. Now the fact now the fact Greg had appeared on my street casually jogging up the sidewalk, well, it had sent up some red flags. He'd always been a little creepy as a supervisor. Not enough to bring a complaint forward or anything, but enough that I felt awkward about seeing him on my street. Now when Cookie Press. No, you didn't.

SPEAKER_08 1:16:12

You invited him in.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 1:16:14

You should have said that earlier, and this whole time you should have been reluctant about him coming in. If there's one thing we've learned on this show, it's that women are stupid.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:24

Women are stupid. That's right. I'll just have sex with them. Show me your genitals. That's the song. John LeJoie. Yeah. One of the good Canadians. So when Cookie pressed the button saying she smelled a stranger, it sent my pulse racing. Could this be the stranger she smelled on the day I found the footprint outside the window? I told Greg I had to take her outside for a quick potty break, and while outside I phoned a friend and asked them to pretend it was an emergency. I came back in with my friend shouting loudly enough on my phone for Greg to overhear and told him something had come up and I had to run. We both went outside and I locked up and got in my car and waited until he was gone before I went back inside my house. I checked the cameras, wondering if I'd find evidence of him snooping around my house, but there was nothing. I assumed that my fears had been overblown, that maybe I freaked out at Greg unfairly, and Cookie had pressed those buttons because she didn't like men. But two days later, the cameras caught him. Dun dun dun On a Saturday afternoon when my car was gone and I obviously and I was obviously not home, Greg came strolling up my sidewalk. I'm realizing now this is just an okay story and I regret picking it, by the way. Okay. He looked around, seemingly trying to act casual, and then he went right to the potted plant, which he lifted, searching for the key. I felt nauseated. The way that nauseated its spells, it looks like nauseated. Yeah. Watching the footage, and glad I had trusted my gut and cookie's warnings about the bad vibes I was getting from him. I arranged to have the locks changed and a security system installed and informed my neighbors to be on the lookout. I did some extra button practice with Cookie to make sure she'd alert me if necessary. When I informed my boss, Greg was immediately let go. Damn. That's a little knee-jerky. I'm gonna be honest, on the company?

SPEAKER_08 1:18:18

Yeah. Well, she has footage of him going for her.

SPEAKER_04 1:18:21

But still, it's outside of work hours and it's not really the company's business. I'm not gonna lie.

SPEAKER_08 1:18:26

Uh, she must work for like Costco or something. Like some decently uh uh aware company for whatever reasons, you know. I'm not singing Costco's praises.

SPEAKER_04 1:18:36

I'm just I mean, it must be in an at-will employment state because like usually you have to have cause to terminate people. Right. And because he wants to rape a lady outside of work hours isn't really a reasonable.

SPEAKER_08 1:18:52

That doesn't stop the gears from turning.

SPEAKER_04 1:18:54

Yeah. Well, Greg's really productive, so maybe we'll let you go, lady. All you do is bitch about your period cramps.

SPEAKER_08 1:19:01

You're the one tempting it, you know?

SPEAKER_04 1:19:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 1:19:03

That's what that's what the shareholder said. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:06

We warned you on your first day about the uh length of your skirts. Greg's well within his right to be horny for you. You're gonna you gonna uh convict him over thought crimes about your snatcheroo-da-doodle doo?

SPEAKER_08 1:19:22

Here's the problem. Greg has man shoulders. He can lift some boxes.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:28

Greg broke sales records. What have you done, Janice, bitch? Show us pictures of your gay dog? I don't think so, bitch. No unemployment! You're out of here. That's crazy. Greg was immediately let go. He sent me some expletive field threatening emails and messages accusing me of ruining his life before I blocked him and filed a restraining order. That was all weeks ago. But the reason I'm writing about it now is because yesterday, Cookie hit the stranger button again. Of all buttons, that one always got a reaction from me. I immediately got up and asked her, Stranger, where? She turned a circle and whined and then pressed home. That sent a my pulse through the roof. I checked all through the house. You know why I don't like this story, Jake? Why? Because I'm not a girl. I've never been scared of a guy coming to my house and raping me. Yeah. So there's no horror here for me at all. I'm just like, this is a girl with a dog. This is just a glady with a dog. Yeah. Uh somebody pulls her over, checked her out of the house. No signs of intrusion, nothing on camera either. My fluttering heart slowed. No stranger, I told her. She skulked and wandered away. This is the second time she skulked. She was out of sorts the rest of the evening. Then today she hit the button again. Mad, she pushed, and then stranger, mad. It was nonsensical. It's not nonsensical at all. I found myself trying to piece together the meaning. The way so many other owners do when their dogs use buttons in a way that doesn't make sense. She was calling me a stranger because I haven't given her enough treats or pets lately? As in Don't Be a Stranger? But I knew that was a huge stretch. Was she saying that she was mad because I wasn't listening to her about the stranger? Obviously. Maybe. Obviously, of the two. But there was no stranger. I checked everywhere, including the cameras. But then, because that button in particular always got me extra freaked out, I looked up Greg just to make sure he hadn't resumed stalking me. What? How would you know that? Googling a guy, and then like what fucking channel 7 news is like local fired supervisor still stalking woman.

SPEAKER_05 1:22:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:11

With dog. Um I looked up Greg just to make sure he wasn't stalking me. Yeah. I went I went to his socials where it was clear from his recent posts he still definitely held a grudge. He made a bunch of rants blaming me for his life spiraling ever since his job loss. Other posts claimed he had nothing left to live for, but the part that chilled me to the core. God damn it. This doesn't make any I'm This is the last two sentences of the story. And this is what makes me want to throw my phone at the wall. I don't know what this means. I found his oh, okay, okay, okay, okay. I'm gonna apologize. I misread this word. The word says obit. I thought it said orbit. I found his obit. He ended his life two days ago. That's the end of the fucking story. And that is a really gay ending to a gay story written by a gay woman.

unknown 1:23:19

What?

SPEAKER_08 1:23:21

So he just died?

SPEAKER_04 1:23:22

He he killed himself, but the dog still sees the stranger. It's the worst possible outcome to this segment is that I found a story that is just bad for being bad and not funny bad.

SPEAKER_08 1:23:39

You would need to like have the the halfway through the story, what should be happening at halfway through the story is him getting fired. And then the rest of it, or no, maybe even earlier than that. Because you need to have a ghost portion of the story, you know? If you're gonna go with the dog is hitting stranger over and over again weeks after, you know.

SPEAKER_04 1:24:09

She did allude to the thing with the Daily Mail that some lady used a cold stranger button with the dog.

SPEAKER_08 1:24:15

Two days ago. Here's the problem. Two days ago the dude killed himself, and it was yesterday, and today she's been hitting the button. But like it would have made sense if maybe she hit Stranger when he killed himself, like right about that time of that night. But like repeatedly, like she's seeing his ghost over and over again at a place he didn't kill himself. Like he should kill himself in front of her, and then there should be a whole thing where she's recovered from it and she's better, you know, the trauma, and then now the dog is hitting stranger again, and she hasn't hit stranger in six months or whatever, you know? That like build some tension.

SPEAKER_04 1:24:59

The story just sucks. It's just my advice is don't write that story because it's not good. I think it can be improved, but it would take a lot of you could improve it from this is like a four, maybe a three. Yeah. You could improve it to at maximum like a six.

SPEAKER_08 1:25:20

I think you could get a seven or an eight if you do it right, but you're gonna have to change large pieces of it.

unknown 1:25:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:25:28

Maybe we could look at this as people who like uh writing stories and and reading good stories, we could maybe get it to an eight. But at that point, like fuck it, you know? Yeah. The concept is just not that good. You can reimagine the concept and make it good. But I don't think that, like, unless you're writing a story specifically for housewives or single women or whatever, no one's gonna give a fuck. And that's too niche. Just the way that that's written, too, is like that. You're right. Generalized. Everybody could be scared of this. I'm not scared of this.

SPEAKER_08 1:26:07

I would never. Right, and then it just turns into like a ghost thing at the end randomly, or like like it was gives you the mystery of that, like ish alluded to, but not really. Right. Now I want that explored. That should have been the crux of the story.

SPEAKER_04 1:26:22

Like, if you're gonna allude to ghosts, you need to be like, when I was a kid, I was really afraid of ghosts. And I heard a lot of ghost stories. I've always been terrified of that. Now we know that you're afraid of ghosts, but now you're kind of ambiguously lunged into a story where you're being haunted by a guy who wanted to rape you. Yeah. Like that's maybe okay. That's where you can get to like a six or a seven.

SPEAKER_08 1:26:49

Yeah. I guess maybe then uh you know, then you would have her go and research his life and find out why he's a fucked up rapist. And maybe there's some closure where he stops haunting her when she finds out.

SPEAKER_04 1:27:05

Or she could find like to make it even like to raise the stakes on the things. I know this is the right thing to say, but I just don't give a fuck. She could find out that he changed his name and he used he was a serial rapist or something. Okay, yeah. In his past, like he murdered a rapist. I don't know. It's just who gives a shit. Yeah. It's just so goddamn I'm so I'm so bummed out that yours was so good. Just so what the fuck ever. No, it's like uh if this episode if this episode was 51 minutes long, it'd be ten times better. No the fact that I read that game shit made this episode bad. No, it didn't at all. It really did, dude. Yours was so good if we just ended on if we hit the home run with fucking.

SPEAKER_08 1:28:01

Hey, that's great, but like we need both. And it honestly, it's usually me bringing the duds. I like it.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:09

I like it better that way.

SPEAKER_08 1:28:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:11

Because then it's I got the good wood.

SPEAKER_08 1:28:14

Well, last time we both had illiterate fucks writing our stories. You picked a slightly someone with more uh AR points, you know? To be fair. Someone with a higher reading level.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:26

To be fair, I deserve to eat crow here. Okay. I deserve it. I did not put as much effort into finding this story this week. I even I preemptively fucking told you guys that was the second story I saw on Reddit. Yeah. Now the title did lead me to believe that it would be good for this. And I did scroll through it and saw a lot of the button hitting and thought that would be obnoxious. It wasn't that bad. And then I saw at the end somebody killed themselves, and I thought that would be like a left turn out of nowhere kind of thing. I should have put more time into finding my story. I actually had a good one from last week that I didn't do that I could have done, but I opened no sleep and I found this story and I thought it would be good and I fucked up. I'm sorry. When some you lose some.

SPEAKER_08 1:29:45

But the black people in in their story are an afterthought. They they are they are literally a device. They are used for uh because of their social standing to the Nazi. You know, like they're they're not, I don't know. In the story, they're just a utility, they're not people.

SPEAKER_04 1:30:05

Well, the entirety of their existence in the story is my black friend.

SPEAKER_08 1:30:10

Right.

SPEAKER_04 1:30:11

In a bullet point list of things that happened.

SPEAKER_08 1:30:14

No other information about the black friend. Black friend doesn't come up. Emma is white, I'm assuming. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:30:19

Like otherwise, he wouldn't be attracted to her.

SPEAKER_08 1:30:22

He wouldn't be staring at her through the window. The window. That's great.

SPEAKER_04 1:30:27

That story, dude. I could I could read that story a thousand times and find it entertaining all 1,000 times.

SPEAKER_08 1:30:36

Dude, he's got two more.

SPEAKER_04 1:30:38

Ah, we gotta stay on that.

SPEAKER_08 1:30:40

We might we might just let's do one at the end of next episode.

SPEAKER_04 1:30:43

I got a chip on my shoulder now. The next time we do this, I'm gonna have to find a really fucking I gotta find a banger because I let I let us all down on that one.

SPEAKER_08 1:30:50

Well, what I'm thinking is we know his stories are gold. So we just read those on on after a fuck you piece of shit or after whatever, and then I try to find other things for our spurgy spooks that you know is a mystery whether it's good or not. I almost to put myself in the same predicament.

SPEAKER_04 1:31:12

I almost want to reach out to this guy and be like, hey man, we want you to write at least one story per month or two a month. We will pay you 15 bucks. Something, uh an amount of money that's worth the effort. We will pay you to continue to write stories for us that we can read on our show. The answer is no, we will not tell you the name of the show, and you can never listen to it ever. You're getting take the money, write the story, and shut up about it. Like let that be the end of the transaction. Yeah, you know, like I would pay this dude to keep writing these stories for us to continue to read forever. Yeah, it'll never not be amazing.

SPEAKER_08 1:31:56

And if he asks, when he asks, what's your what's the show called, blah, blah, blah, be like, it's better that you don't know so you don't play to it.

SPEAKER_04 1:32:05

Right. You're not influenced to write in a way that would we don't want to influence your writing process.

SPEAKER_08 1:32:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:32:12

We just want to continue to read your stories. Yep. No allusion to whether we like it or not. Exactly. No, we want to continue to read your stories. We will pay you to write these stories and send them directly to us. Don't worry about no sleep. Don't worry about Reddit at all.

SPEAKER_08 1:32:31

I mean, you could post them, but send them to us first.

SPEAKER_04 1:32:35

Email them to us. We'll make a new email called Hey Guy, please write us stories for money. Not not our fart mouth email. Right. Please, God, continue to write for us because we love you.

SPEAKER_02 1:32:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 1:32:48

I mean, there's and if anybody who's listening to this sees someone asking on Reddit what what show could be reading their stories, don't you fucking dare tell.

SPEAKER_04 1:33:01

Don't you ever send uh don't send us down the river.

SPEAKER_08 1:33:04

Don't you ever fucking tell. Because that's mean, man.

SPEAKER_04 1:33:08

Like ever find this guy. Do not do not ruin this for us. Because I I will go out of my way to make sure we can keep reading this guy's stories.

SPEAKER_08 1:33:16

Oh my god, dude. I mean it's worth 15 bucks a month.

SPEAKER_04 1:33:20

Easily.

SPEAKER_08 1:33:21

It's easily 20, I'd say. Let's round it up. I guess.

SPEAKER_04 1:33:24

Make it sound a tenor apiece, man. Yes. Yeah, sure. It's worth it. For sure, once a month, 20 bucks. Yeah. Maybe twice. Because it there's no way it takes him more than 20 minutes to write these stories.

SPEAKER_08 1:33:38

Just be like, that's all the stories you want.

SPEAKER_04 1:33:42

That's what we should say. If you got a bat catalog, bro, bulk payment. You got 10 stories, 100 bucks. Yeah, right. Exactly. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_08 1:33:51

And then we don't have to talk to him again for, I don't know, six months. It's crazy. Damn.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:59

I love it.

SPEAKER_08 1:34:00

If if we did that, he'd probably just continue to send us stories for free.

SPEAKER_04 1:34:04

I feel like we could get stories out of this guy. Let's let's see if we can manipulate it into a free situation. Like Yeah, for sure. We're building an empire around you.

SPEAKER_08 1:34:21

Oh, if this becomes a whole thing and we end up making a different podcast where we just make fun of people's stories on the backs of this.

SPEAKER_04 1:34:32

Honestly, this is like That's hilarious. It's definitely not the first time we've brought it up, and I feel like there is a potential world where that is what we do. Where I don't know what it looks like as far as the logistics between this show and that show or whatever, but it is the most fun I've had doing a podcast in a while is reading these stories and making it's because it's because it's just an a giant question mark.

SPEAKER_08 1:35:03

You don't know what's gonna come up. It's organic to us because we're reading it or hearing it for the first time. Yeah, it's perfect. It's like spontaneous, but also rooted in like some structure. Yeah, it's fantastic.

SPEAKER_04 1:35:16

I love it. I love it so much. God damn it. Well, that's all we got for you this week, folks. Fuck. Sorry about my story. You're welcome for the first one. I don't know what else to tell you. I mean, sometimes you gotta take a spoonful of sugar with the bad medicine to get it down. Uh and boy, was that a sweet, sweet spoonful of sugar Jake brought us this week.

SPEAKER_08 1:35:38

If it wasn't you this week, it would have been me in a month. I would have read that story out of my save file.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:45

I'm committed to never again failing that hard. That was oh man.

SPEAKER_04 1:35:49

Wow. What a week. What a week. I mean, I made up for it in the beginning. I was a real silly goofball, and I think uh I think I executed my plan. It's good pretty flawlessly. It's great, yeah, yeah with the the the back and forth.

SPEAKER_08 1:36:02

No, this was a great episode. Even with your story, I contend.

SPEAKER_04 1:36:06

It went from let us know in the comments. It went from a ten to a seven with my story, but that's just my opinion. Let us know in the Spotify comments. Let us know in the Spotify comments what you thought about the episode of things. Yeah. Farmmouth.com slash Nope. Patreon.com slash Fartmouth. That farmouth.com. Either one though. Maybe ten. Who cares? Give us money for listening more content. It's good. Yeah. It's at least an hour a week for a dollar. It's two two plus hours every week every week for ten hours.

SPEAKER_08 1:36:37

And video games every week. Mm-hmm. That's right. The playing of video games happens every week.

SPEAKER_04 1:36:44

I've failed to record myself. Well, okay, so I will record more RuneScape content in the future, but this month is not a good month for that because it's it would be very boring. Yeah. But when I get back to it, I think next month I'm going to go for my inferno cape, and that will be you're going to hear a lot of me screaming. I would say angry.

SPEAKER_08 1:37:02

I would say find something you can do for 20 minutes that's like not boring, that you can explain or you can whatever the fuck and do that.

SPEAKER_04 1:37:11

Starting at the beginning of next month, I will I will start my inferno grind.

SPEAKER_08 1:37:15

What's funny is you you're turned off to that idea because you're you wouldn't be gaining XP like you could be if you weren't doing that for 20 minutes.

SPEAKER_04 1:37:23

A duh.

SPEAKER_08 1:37:24

And I absolutely back you up on that.

SPEAKER_04 1:37:27

A duh. I'm gonna win. I get it. I have to win. It's fine. Next month, I will start my inferno grind.

unknown 1:37:33

I have to win.

SPEAKER_04 1:37:34

For the first 15 days of April, I will start my inferno grind and I'll record a few attempts at me going for the inferno cape in old school runescape. Uh you're gonna see me fail and get mad. It'll be funny. And then on the 15th, leagues starts, and I will be doing I'll probably start streaming. So we'll see what happens. Love you. Bye. Bye. Stop the show. Bye.