Fartmouth
The most raunchy, stupid, and irreverent comedy podcast on the internet. The podcast equivilent of getting a lobotomy.
Fartmouth
311 - Crazy Head or Jamal
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This week's show features...
Spergy Spooks
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. It's uh Smoke on the Kitty Cat.
SPEAKER_03Smoke on the slaughter. The following is a production of the farming versity kid. Thank you for listening. Instead of 72 virgins, we made one fifty, and now they've got more holes than three.
SPEAKER_01You get it, guys? Because Muslim Heaven has 72 virgins, and we killed 150 underage girls. Jake's a pedophile. And a Muslim. In Iran. More like 911T. Welcome everyone to the Firemouth Podcast, a show whose host recently found out about a new product on the market for a Nazi on a budget that can't afford an oven. The Kikrowave. Jew neighbor encroaching on your fence? Pop them in the kicrow wave, and your problems are ashes in the wind. God damn it. Guess who bought a microwave recently and is obsessed with Jew jokes? It's me. Well, uh how's it how's the intro finish? I forgot. I'm Jake. Every week we do a few rotating segments and make each other laugh. I'm Tyler. Jake remembered his part. Way to go, dude. Good job remembering the two words that you have to say. We do rotating segments. Yeah, we do segments on this show. Hey, how about the war? How about the war, dude? Let's go. Let's freaking go, dude. You know what? It feels nostalgic in a way. It's like I'm 13 again. Yeah. It's like, fuck, bro. I just want to play PlayStation 2, Jack versus Daxter. Or Jack, just Jack and Daxter.
SPEAKER_03I think they're a team, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I think they're together. Hey man. Maybe in 2026 it's Jack versus Daxter. Maybe Jack is a fucking Jew. They're fighting. And Daxter has a has an eight-year-old wife. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, sure. And a goat. And he fucks both.
SPEAKER_01At the same time. He's got two dicks. You know Muslims have two dicks.
SPEAKER_03If we're doing the if we're doing the low-hanging fruit, we gotta do goat fucking.
SPEAKER_01Of course, yeah. Yeah, Jack. I just want to see Jack and Jack versus Daxter, where Jack's got a fucking turban on.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01And Daxter is like at the whaling wall. Yeah. Just getting fucking uh I can't remember enough about Jack and Daxter. I don't remember it at all, dude. I'm trying to I'm trying to like formulate a way to make it.
SPEAKER_03I was a PlayStation kid, but I never got into Jack and Daxter, actually.
SPEAKER_01It's the only game that came with my PlayStation. Oh, okay. So that was the only game I played for a little bit. Yeah. And then I got uh Ratchet and Clank. Oh. Which is the same game but with a squirrel or something.
SPEAKER_03Right, yeah. Basically the same shit. And a robot. A platformer with the slash puzzle game.
SPEAKER_01Right. Yeah. Did you ever play Conquer's Bad Fur Day?
SPEAKER_03No, I played Croc. I played Crash Bandicoot.
SPEAKER_01Conquerors Bad Fur Day is the most fart mouth adjacent video game probably ever made. Oh, okay. He's a little squirrel dude that's like, I love big fucking fed beautiful tits.
SPEAKER_03Oh, and it's got like hot animals in it. Yeah. Like animals that are like cartoonishly fucking bimbos and shit. Okay, yes. I have seen this played.
SPEAKER_01It's just Duke Nuke with a squirrel. Yeah, right, right, right, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03I have seen this played. There's also a Tony Hawk that has like cats and dogs that are made up to be hot chicks. Nice. Yeah, it's just like giant tits on a chick and you're fucking riding a skateboard.
SPEAKER_01Surely if they've got that painting where the dogs are playing poker, there's some dog bimbos serving them whiskey on the runks. Yeah, dude. Whiskey on the barks. Big hairy tits.
SPEAKER_03That's the weird part. Dick hair. They're covered in a coat of hair.
SPEAKER_01That's well, that's just the whole furry community wrapped up in a fucking nutshell.
SPEAKER_03I guess, dude.
SPEAKER_01What are you gonna do? You need some of you need furry tits if you're gonna be a furry man.
SPEAKER_03True. True, true, true.
SPEAKER_01Uh, we've only got one segment for you guys this week. And not a whole lot of preamble. I don't really have anything that's been on my mind that I wanted to talk about on the show. I mean, the guy ran war shit, it's like whatever, dude. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go again. We're at war for oil, and gas has never been more expensive.
SPEAKER_03Yep. Pretty much. And we were supposedly we did what we did in Venezuela to handle that, and it didn't work, I guess. Apparently not. So good job, Trump.
SPEAKER_01Well, here's the thing, Jake. Us being in control of the oil doesn't mean, hey America, here's cheap gas. It means we are now in control of how much oil costs, and it's more now because we fucking just glaze and suck off corporations. It appears. Yes. Anyway, dude, I don't want to get political.
SPEAKER_03Enron, give me your fucking Enrod. Give me your Enron Hubbard. I did see a great meme that's worth mentioning, even though it's not my joke. Uh, it had a like an 18-inch hot dog that was being sold at uh somewhere, and and then the bun, you know, underneath and then the corner of Obama's dream. I wish that was Big Mike's dog. Uh I don't know why he sounds like a redneck, but uh, but no, it was the uh the fucking you know, the the hot dog was sticking out of the bun like four inches on either side or whatever. I know that math doesn't work out the way I said it, but you get it. You can picture it. And someone says, Are we just supposed to Nancy Reagan the ends until we get to the bun? Which is so good, dude.
SPEAKER_05Linda, lovely.
SPEAKER_03It was on one of those Reddit pages that's like explain the joke. Bro, do you fuckers not Google's on the same thing? Like Google's on the same device that you have in your hand. You won't look like a retard if you go to Google and fucking figure some shit out on your own.
SPEAKER_01It's crazy that you get recommended the explain the joke. I think everybody gets recommended that like by default or something. It's weird. They're they're popular pages, they get a lot of engagement. But every time I see it, I'm like, it's obvious. What are you stupid?
SPEAKER_03Nine times out of ten. And the one time out of ten is some super niche reference that I that's something stupid. That's some Sabrina Carpenter song or some shit that I would never have known.
SPEAKER_01Some like fucking uh terminally online bullshit. You would never that too, yeah. You'd have to invest hundreds of hours into some gay ass community that you'd never be a part of to really get it.
SPEAKER_03It's either super normy or super autistic, if one or the other is why I don't know.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Well, it's the autistic ones that are too online to understand normal people references that are posting the nine out of ten.
SPEAKER_04Like, what about what's wrong with Nancy Reagan? I always thought she was a nice lady who didn't like drugs.
SPEAKER_01No, it's she was called Deep Throat. Yep.
SPEAKER_04Anyway, if you don't know, look it up, I guess.
SPEAKER_01If you don't know, now you know Linda Lovelace. It's one of my favorite references. Like, I love Joe Dirt. It's one of my favorite comedy movies of all time. It's in my top five of comedy movies for sure. Maybe top three, but there's a scene where Joe is wearing a cutoff sleeve shirt that just says I choked Linda Lovelace.
SPEAKER_03And I've I've never picked up on that, dude.
SPEAKER_01I fucking love it. Because I had to ask my uncle what that meant. I was 12, dude. I had no idea.
SPEAKER_03That's a PG 13 movie.
SPEAKER_01And my uncle has never sent like he's all of the shit that's fucked up about me, it's just shit that he told me when I was too young. Like, you know the blow chunks joke, right? I think so. Oh, yeah. It's a classic street joke. One of the best classic street jokes, in my opinion. Maybe I'm a little biased because I heard it when I was eight and I didn't know what it meant. But it's the whole thing where the guy goes to the bar, I had a birthday party, I got way too drunk, I got so drunk I blew chunks. Bartender's like, that's not so bad. Everybody throws up, and he's like, You don't get it? Chunks is my dog. He sucked his dog's neck. That's the whole joke. I didn't I didn't know what that fucking meant, but he took my uncle told me that joke. I laughed maniacally because I knew instinctively what a punchline was.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, right, right.
SPEAKER_01And regardless of whether I understood it or not, I knew where punchlines were and when to laugh.
unknownRight.
SPEAKER_01And then I had to have it explained to me when I was like 12 and totally old enough to understand what sucking dog cock meant. And then the joke was way better.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, no, that's a great joke.
SPEAKER_01But I had at the same age, I was like, who's I don't get it? He was laughing his ass off, and I was like, nothing's happening in the movie. And I was like, What's what? What's funny? And he says, the shirt says I choked Linda Lovelace. And I was like, Who's that? And he just said, deadpan, she was the first lady to suck cock on porn. I was like, oh, okay. She deep throated Dick. Oh, I get it. I get it. She was a deep throater. The OG. Anyway. Yep. We have a segment for you guys. And I just I just want you guys to get your asses ready because we're we're gonna get a little spooky.
SPEAKER_03I'm gonna just start cutting that off early. You can tell. I'm sorry, my with the deep throat ref, my brain went into a whole thing on it for a sec. Went into a K-hole. So so uh so fucking the whole premise of that movie was that her clitoris was in the back of her throat. So then you had to stick your dick in her mouth to get her to come, right?
SPEAKER_01Interesting.
SPEAKER_03But the the issue with that whole premise is your dick doesn't is not like stimulating the clitoris in normal sex. It's your mons that stimulates the clitoris.
SPEAKER_01But what if it did?
SPEAKER_03I mean, I guess you could you could just rub your dick up and down on a chick's clitoris.
SPEAKER_01Have you not done that?
SPEAKER_03Well, yeah, but not long enough to make her come.
SPEAKER_01Not for seven minutes straight and like But it's like it's the fantasy that what if her what if her clit was at the back of her pussy and you just you know two birds, one stone with that shit.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, no, that would be sick, but that's not how it works. Thus, the premise of the movie makes no sense. Her clit should be on her lip. That would make so much more sense for the like concept of the movie that it doesn't make any sense because like the G spots inside that'd be cool though, because if she got on your nerves, you could just flick her in the lip. Ow.
SPEAKER_01Like getting like getting snapped in the dick with a rubber band.
SPEAKER_03But I just realized how stupid that whole premise is. That doesn't make any sense.
SPEAKER_01Did you ever make those uh when you were in school, did you ever take the piece of paper and fold it up into a tiny little fucking uh V-shape hornets? I did, yes. Oh my god, dude. We got deep into it. Dude, we got so deep into it, we were like figuring out how to like make uh we were bending goddamn paper clips and making the point of the fucking hornet, the paper clip, and like we were we were puncturing each other's skin for a giggle.
SPEAKER_03Dude, I I had a classmate, okay, my cousin gave me a fucking hard drive from a laptop when I was like 12 or 13. And I had this hard drive. I I I didn't know what to do with it. I couldn't plug it into another computer. I had no knowledge of what to do. He was just he was gonna throw it away, I guess, and was like, hey, he might find this nifty. I don't know. He gave me this hard drive, and uh, and I like I took it to school for some reason. I don't remember why. I took it to school with me, and so I just had a hard drive in my backpack with unknown contents on it, by the way. No one will ever find out what was on this hard drive, by the way, because I gave it to one of the weird kids in school. He fucking took it apart with like a I guess a pin. I don't remember. I do remember at one point he had taken the disc out of this hard drive. Like, you know how the hard drives used to maybe they still do have like a disc in them.
SPEAKER_01Well, yeah, the I mean they still, yeah. I was gonna say old school ones, but they are they still are very relevant today because whatever. But yeah, yeah, yeah. They still they have metal discs stacked in like a wafer pattern.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he like popped one of those out or popped a piece of it out. Well, when you break that, it's extremely sharp. The data's gone, by the way. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And and that it's extremely sharp. And he was like cutting his own skin with it, like you know, like the weird kid does. Right. And I remember it was like one of the last days of that school year, and this kid was in the back of the room with a hard drive I had supplied him making fucking sharp objects out of it. I don't know why that's not particularly funny, but that's just a thing that happened in my life. Uh, yeah, Sean. Whatever you're doing, buddy. Um, you're probably in prison.
SPEAKER_01We all had that weird kid in school. We had uh, like, I guess this was maybe a decade after Columbine, maybe 15 years after Columbine. Yeah, we had a kid that looked like the two Eric and uh Dylan mashed together. His name was Connor Fuzesi. And uh he was like kind of shorter, but he was he looked like Eric Harris. If you guys look up what Eric Harris from Columbine looked like, but he had Dylan's long hair and it was blue.
SPEAKER_04Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_01And he always wore like the same clothes every day. The fucking black trip pants with uh like a cannibal corpse t-shirt. Sick. And we all were like, that dude is one day gonna shoot this place up, you know. Yeah, he had like the pock face and shit, like he was sitting at home playing with chemicals and shit, trying to come up with some kind of bomb to just fucking kill us all. And then one day there was a bomb threat called into our school, and everybody was like, That had to be Connor. It had to be Connor. Yeah, there's no way it wasn't Connor.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, but anyway, yeah. One day that Sean kid walked into uh class and he had a tin of Altoids, and he was munching them. Like he was just eating Altoids, like one after the other after the other, and he was like, My nose breath is minty. My nose breath is minty. Yeah, he said, even my he said, even my nose breath is minty. That's so funny. And he wanted people to smell his nose breath, and I remember that. What grade was this? Same kid. Uh, this was a couple years after the hard drive incident, but it was the same kid. It was this was probably ninth grade. Yeah, the hard drive incident was like seventh grade, something like that.
SPEAKER_01Cinnamon Altoids were fucking fire.
SPEAKER_03He had the minty ones, like the the other, the white ones. Right. That were, yeah. I think just mint. I think they they had just come out with some variation on the mint, like some special flavor, and he was touting how the special flavor made his nose breath minty too. And I was like, first of all, how would you know? Because you you know what I mean? Like the con the air contents of your nose you can't really smell. Right. It's the outside when it gets just like that tingly feeling that you get. I guess. I don't know, but Sean, I hope you're doing well. I'm sure you're in prison or a mental facility, but hope you're doing well in there.
SPEAKER_01Well, it's always the thing where like the most fucked up weird kids are like the most stable. He's probably got like a very, you know, lovely family, probably fancy house. CEO.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, he's your boss, and we just haven't triangulated. He owns one of the companies around here.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, he's on the board of directors of the company I work at.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, he's on the he's on the board of directors of like the most charitable thing ever that's actually cool and does well good shit.
unknownOh man.
SPEAKER_01Yep.
SPEAKER_03Sean. Hope you're doing well, buddy. I mean, that's what we all hope.
SPEAKER_01And then, like, all the preppy nice kids are on fucking heroin.
SPEAKER_03Yep, yeah, you're right. That's true. I uh the a drummer in a band I used to be in, he overdosed on heroin in college. Sad. Except he was a dick, so fuck you, Daniel. I'm glad you're dead, buddy. Shout out, Dan. Not really. He was cool. I mean, he wasn't, he was kind of a dick, but uh not enough that he deserved to die. Uh anyway, he was a good drummer too. Well, he was alright. Uh he was young. He would have ended up being good.
SPEAKER_02He was a better drummer, he probably wouldn't have too much.
SPEAKER_03He didn't mean to. I think it was a uh you know bad batch or something. But anyway, or maybe he just, you know, liked it too much and got too much life system or whatever.
SPEAKER_01Nobody whose life's going well gets hooked on here.
SPEAKER_03No, I mean he he was going to, I believe, like the the university in that's named after our state in the city that it's headquartered in, like, you know, chicks galore, he was 19, like what could you he's a drummer, he's not a bad looking kid. Like, what what could you what else could you hope for? But he just liked it.
SPEAKER_01Did chicks want to fuck the drummer though?
SPEAKER_03Uh sometimes. Tommy Lee is a is a good example of that.
SPEAKER_01But anyway. But you gotta be in like a like the the biggest band.
SPEAKER_03That's true. But I mean, I mean drummers get it, I think. I think it's the bass player that usually gets left out. Pete Wentz. But uh, yeah, except for when you you lean into the emo shit.
SPEAKER_01You've got a 14-inch long dick. It helps, yeah. It just hangs down by your knee, hanging out in the mirror. Yep, yep, yep. All that shit helps.
SPEAKER_03But anyway, I have a story. I just found it a little bit ago.
SPEAKER_01Spurgy spooks, that's what we're doing.
SPEAKER_03I can't uh I I can't attest to how shitty it is. Seems really shitty on the face of it. On vibes. I mean the title, you guys will get what I'm what I'm going for here, or why I picked it. My story from 10 years in prison. Ooh, here we go. Yeah, I don't know why you need to know the duration in the title of the prison stint, but they decided to include it. This happens every time. Yep, it always defaults to loud as fuck. Uh there we go. And the word that the story starts with really clued me in to how shitty it was gonna be. And I hope I'm right.
SPEAKER_01You figured it out in one word.
SPEAKER_03Listen, listen to this one word, Tyler. Okay. Hello! Oh, period. No, hello, comma, but still. Damn. Hello. Okay. Hell why are you starting a story with a greeting? Anyway. Howdy! Yeah. Howdy from prison. It is I, prison guy. I would have enjoyed howdy better. Hello. I really don't know how to start off, really. Yes, really is in that sentence twice. Wow. I have these stories, things that happened to me while I was in prison. I have a lot of guys getting stabbed for sitting in the wrong beds, the death row inmates, and so on. You named one example of a type of story in your fucking explanation for all the stories you have.
SPEAKER_01The mark of a good story is when they say, and so on. Right.
SPEAKER_03Uh or what have you would be another good, yeah. Yeah. I just want to say quickly that I have been out for five years. What have I done? Yeah, I was perfectly correct to pick this story. You may ask, I won't tell. Don't worry, I didn't touch no kids or done things to a woman. Don't worry, I'm not that evil. I did spent 10 years in prison and I still feel guilty. Okay, first of all, the first paragraph had no bad, like poor language. And then the second paragraph just fucking kicked you in the teeth with bad, poor language.
SPEAKER_01You know what I appreciate about this so far is that he very clearly did not use AI in any way, shape, or form.
SPEAKER_03Good point. This is a fucking just straight from someone's brain.
SPEAKER_01Stream of consciousness from a guy who breathes out of his mouth exclusively. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Alright, I'm going to stop venting. That was not venting, okay. I'll tell you one story, and if you want more, just say so.
SPEAKER_01What?
SPEAKER_03The Hanging Man.
SPEAKER_01Okay, dude. Alright, dude.
SPEAKER_03There's a title of a story within the story.
SPEAKER_01Dude, what? The fuck? I know, dude. I'm so it I've never been more fucking befuddled. Just perplexed. What happened? I'm I feel like I got flashbang.
SPEAKER_03I know, dude.
SPEAKER_01Did I just pass out and wake up at a new story? Did you just delete that one and start over at a new story?
SPEAKER_03No, no. This is how this story gets. What the fuck? It's on Reddit. You can find it. Uh all right. I'm gonna stop venting, even though he didn't vent. Uh, I'll tell you one story, and if you want more, just say so. If you want more, first of all. How am I gonna say I'll I guess you comment and on Reddit.
SPEAKER_01It's the most dream of consciousness fucking dumbass dipshit way of writing. Sean, did you write this fucking story?
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01At the end, it's dash Connor Fuse. School bomber.
SPEAKER_03At the end, it's my nose breath is still minty as fuck. Sean, I can't remember his last name. Uh here we go corpse. I was walking to the medical. Okay. I was walking to an adjective.
SPEAKER_01You can just say medical.
SPEAKER_03I was walking to medical. I understand medical is is used as a noun sometimes, but anyway. I was walking to the medical because I was stabbed by some madman. Man is capitalized. Madman, thinking he is God. God is capitalized too, but that's not out of place for this type of person. Somehow the guards reacted fast, like fast, fast.
SPEAKER_01Like fast, fast.
SPEAKER_03In which they never do. To be honest, I was hella grateful they did.
SPEAKER_01Dude, this is either a genius or a retard.
SPEAKER_00This is either Sean, dude.
SPEAKER_01A genius or a psychopath. Oh man. They reacted fast. Like fast, fast. If I was trying to write a satirically bad thing, I would have used that.
SPEAKER_03In which they never do, which is not correct at all. That's horrible. To be and then, dude, that all of that was one sentence.
SPEAKER_01Damn, I love that.
SPEAKER_03I was walking to the medical because I was stabbed by some madman thinking he is God. Somehow the guards reacted fast, like fast, fast, in which they never do. To be honest, I was hella grateful they did. That was all insane. That's insane. What the hell? Dude, I kind of want to stop because I feel like this guy's gonna hunt me down with all of his free time. Because there's no way this is. I swear to God.
SPEAKER_01This is straight from Reddit. A crazy head or Jamal got his ass. Is the name of the fucking episode.
SPEAKER_05What the fuck?
SPEAKER_03I looked around the room. Oh wait, hold on. A crazy head or Jamal got his ass. Dot dot dot. Literally.
SPEAKER_01Literally.
SPEAKER_03That's in quotes, but I've dude. That's because that's what he thought. He put his thoughts in quotes. Oh my god. Not in italics or you know. In parentheses. Oh god. I looked around the room. It was clean somehow. But when I was checking it out, I saw in the corner of my eye the dude looking at me.
SPEAKER_01The dude. What is it? Fucking Jeff Bridges?
SPEAKER_03So I look at him.
SPEAKER_01He's holding a white Russian, like, uh, the carpet, the rug really pulled the room together.
SPEAKER_03So I look at him and there he was, staring, staring has an E in it, at the wall, like before I got mad, because he is mad weird, so I spoke up.
unknownOh my god.
SPEAKER_03Hey dude, what's up with that wall? I waited for his respond.
SPEAKER_01Hey, dude. What's up with that wall?
SPEAKER_04I waited for his He you gotta hear the respond first, Tyler, before you before you judge the story.
SPEAKER_01I waited for the respond.
SPEAKER_04Oh fuck.
SPEAKER_01This doesn't seem like the type of guy that would write a story.
SPEAKER_03I know. It's like his first shot, dude. He's been lurking on the on a no sleep for two years, and this is his first attempt, I guess, at writing anything ever, by the way. Hey dude, what's up with that wall? I waited for his respond. Dot dot dot. Nothing. So I spoke again. You deaf? I snapped my fingers. What happened to you? Someone beat you up or something? I said calmly, maybe he has some mental problems. I didn't want to harm someone again, even if it was with words. What the fuck? I got stabbed. It hurts like a motherfucker, but I will get through it. And whatever you're going through, I hope you get through it. There's no attribution to who said that, by the way.
SPEAKER_01That's its own paragraph in quotes. It's also like a weird. I hope you're okay. Like, I don't know. That just everything about this is so weird. I guess I shouldn't latch on to stupid shit like that.
SPEAKER_03Even if he doesn't respond, I hope Oh, so you do know what respond is supposed to where it's supposed to be used.
SPEAKER_01What if he was like, even if he doesn't respond?
SPEAKER_03I know, that would have been great. Even if he doesn't respond, I hope my words get through him. And he didn't say anything, but I seen a little movement. At least his his not made of stone. At least at least is is not two words, by the way. At least his not made of stone. After a while, I was laying on the bed, enjoying the nice cold air in a hot day, when a guard came in and took me out and put me back in my cell. While the guard was taking off the cuff on my leg, it's that's not a cuff anymore when it's on your leg. Uh I took a look at the dude. He was laying down facing the wall, so when I finally stood up, I took out a Snickers from my packets. From my packets, Tyler. He's got packets on his fucking clothes.
SPEAKER_01And I says to him, hey man, you're not you when you're hungry. Staring at the wall. What wrong with wall? And who was found?
SPEAKER_03Uh oh man. So when I finally stood up, I took out a Snickers from my packets and I throw it to him.
SPEAKER_01I'm pretty sure, by the way, that prison uniforms just don't have packets.
SPEAKER_03Why would they have pockets?
SPEAKER_01They don't have packets at all.
SPEAKER_03Or pockets. Why would they have either? Honestly, it doesn't make sense. To be honest, I don't know why I did that, but maybe I'm thought it will help in some way. The guard didn't care like always, and he took me back to my cell. While I was cleaning up my cell because it was searched, searched with no A, and the guards just throw my stuff every my roommate, my quote, roommate came in. Fuck, they did us good. He spoke, having his hands on his hips. Yeah. And fuck, they did us good. Because dudes in prison just put their hands on their hips all the time. Yeah, and it'd be great if you help me out, you twit. And while we twicks.
SPEAKER_01This story is brought to you by Mars Candy.
SPEAKER_03And then we listened to the radio. Guess who was on it? M and M. God damn, dude. Oh my god. And then at night, out of my cell window, I could see the Milky Way.
SPEAKER_05Window.
SPEAKER_03Oh, right, right. Okay, uh, and while while we both were cleaning, the sun stared to go down this fast. Isn't it like five? The sun goes down all okay. It says stared. He meant to put a T in there, I think, but the sun stared to go down, comma, this fast? And then I was getting sucked off by the sun because it went down. Dude, literally, yeah, and it'd be great if you helped me out, you twit, is in quotes. Same sentence. And while we both were cleaning, comma, the sun stared to go down, comma. This fast? Question mark. Isn't it like five? I checked the time and it was already midnight. Maybe you check the time in prison mode.
SPEAKER_01Right. That that's a good fucking question. I pulled my packet watch out of my packet. And it said a carter till forced.
SPEAKER_03Jeez Louise. Oh my god. Me and my roommate roommate, sorry, uh, with only one M. We're roommate. It would be great. Uh, but it says room roommate, roommate with one M were confused as hell. I mean, not even us, even the other inmates were confused. What the fuck? In quotes. The hell, in quotes, could be heard all around the block. We didn't understand what was going on. Then the door closed, but they weren't locked. What door? Your cell door? I stood up and walked out. Hey, the doors are open. I yelled. Sometimes the guards.
SPEAKER_01No, they just closed. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. Hey, the doors are closed. Unlocked.
SPEAKER_03Unlocked. Sometimes previously mentioned. Sometimes the guards can forget to lock the door. Lock a door. But like two or one. But it was every door.
SPEAKER_04Two first. It's fucking great, dude. Two first.
SPEAKER_03Like two or maybe just one. Then I heard screaming. I thought it was a dude getting stabbed with one B, by the way. But this may sound weird. There's a different scream when getting stabbed than I don't know. Shot. I looked at my roommate and he was confused. Plus.
SPEAKER_01He's got a fucking chart for scream indexes. Nah, that sounds more like a getting shot scream than a stab scream.
SPEAKER_03No, that's the guard hitting him with a baton. Uh yeah, uh, I looked at my roommate and he was confused. Plus scared. Then I heard, and that's the end of that paragraph. Then I heard, period. Then I heard. Yo, get the fuck away from me. Then screaming. It was happening in the lower cells a floor down from my everyone is screaming in the lower levels, but not our level. I looked to my right and seen some inmates looking down to see what's going on. Hey, what's going on down there? No attribution to who said that. Someone yelled, but no answers, only screams. Why haven't the guards came by now? This is happening for 10 minutes now. Oh, that's a long fucking time for two paragraphs. Then my roommate came over and walked to the stairs to take a look. He was the only brave one to do it. I looked at him, trying to see in his face some kind of look to tell me that it's something bad bad. Comma, by the way.
SPEAKER_00Bad bad.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, comma, by the way. No period in. That's that's it's not just bad, it's bad, bad. Then his face turned into disc disgust and fear. He ran up, stumbling his way to me. He fell like two times. When he got to me, he grabbed me and pushed me into the cell and closing the door. I confused and I somewhat froze when he did that. God damn it. But when I fell down onto a chair, you got a chair in your cell? What the fuck out of prison is this? I got myself together and talked her and asked. Tog. T-O-G-T-H-E-R, doctor. Together. What the fuck is going down there? Getting more scared. Getting more scared than before. It's T H Eaton than before. He then came over to me. Like very close. He looked like he didn't want to make a lot of noise. There was a man killing them. He said, very quiet, but it felt loud. With what? I said, he looked back at the door and at me.
SPEAKER_01He said very quiet, but it felt loud.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I know. I know. Okay. He's trying to like inject writerisms into it, you know? Uh, I don't know. How did he look? When I asked this, he took a long pause trying to understand. Oh, he said, uh, there was a man killing them. He said, very quiet, but it felt loud. With what? I said, Well, you asked. You didn't say that, you asked. He looked back at the door at me and at me. I don't know. How did he look? When I asked this, he took a long pause trying to understand understand how to explain. It was a man dot dot dot hanging. But he was moving, but he was still like a rock. He uh dot dot dot Before he could speak, something started to bang on our door hard. I looked over and seen a shadow. Then the banging stopped. Then the knob started to twist. Nob! Nob what do you mean knob?
SPEAKER_04There's a doorknob in this prison. There's a doorknob and a chair. You can just put the chair under the doorknob. What the fuck are you doing?
SPEAKER_03I think you're in a house, brother. This is no this is not a prison. I'm surprised he knew the word block, to be honest. I was very surprised by block actually coming up. Before you could yeah, uh shadow, then the banging stopped, then the knob started to twist. The door slowly opened, not fully. Then something was dropped into the cell. I looked at it.
SPEAKER_02You know what it was, Tyler? Oh, was it a prisog guard's head that had been decapitated?
SPEAKER_03Nope, nope. It was it actually was mentioned in the story.
SPEAKER_01Uh I'm so there's so much that has happened that has befuddled and confused me that I can't remember.
SPEAKER_03The moon. Then something was dropped into the cell.
SPEAKER_01It was the sun.
SPEAKER_03I looked at it. It was a Snickers bottom.
SPEAKER_04That's fucking perfect.
SPEAKER_03He actually dude, I got it, dude. For real? For real. I'm not shitting you. I have read, I have read so many no sleeps that literally went fucking nowhere at the end. The end was inexplicable, did not hearken to anything that happened previously in the story. It was a non-sequitur piece of shit ending. I've read that so many fucking times. Yeah. This guy cannot write to save his fucking life. No. But at the very least, the s the shred, the tiny sliver of good that that came out of this story at all was the bookend. Was the it the ending actually did make sense. I get it. I understand what happened. Right. The fucking demon that he fucking spoke to earlier in the fucking whatever it's called. The the triage or whatever it's fucking called. The medical. Yeah, the medical. Uh there's a word for that. The infirmary. Infirmary. The fucking uh the the dude he saw in the infirmary that didn't talk. That's the guy that's killing everybody. He's a shadow demon hanging whatever the fuck. Now the all of that is not explained, but we do know that he's not gonna kill him or possibly his cellmate. It's a cellmate, not a roommate. I forgot that. Uh when he said roommate, good point. I was like, wait, there's something wrong with that more, but my brain won't let me get there yet. Yeah. I just figured it out. Cellmate. Uh, you don't have roommates in prison. Yo, you got rent this month, man.
SPEAKER_00Uh man, my roommate took all my fucking all my pizza out of the leftovers.
SPEAKER_03My roommate took all the toilet wine. Uh so fucking anyway, I get it. He's not gonna kill him because he gave him the Snickers earlier. Right, that's great. Cool. But at least there's that, dude. I gotta tell you, I've read a lot of creative writing majors fucking stories on no sleeve that have a lot of big ass words in them, but the story goes fucking nowhere. Yeah. And the actual beats of the story are dog shit. But this motherfucker can write. They there's similes galore in this motherfucker. Right. And those parts are great, but the actual beats of the story suck balls.
SPEAKER_01Right. They have a good command of the English language, but they cannot creatively write.
SPEAKER_03Exactly, right. And this dude is the exact opposite of that. That's true. His story, perfect as far as like the beats of the story. Like he he got stabbed, he went to the infirmary, they kid, he he tried to befriend this guy, or at least talk to him. The guy wouldn't talk back, but he threw his Snickers at him out of his pocket, kind of like he was just like, whatever, like maybe that maybe it'll help this guy in some way. I don't need it, whatever. He didn't explain that very well, but you can pick that up. That was his intention. And then later on, uh, all the fucking doors open, there's supernatural shit happening. Oh, turns out the guy that didn't talk was a fucking demon, but he gave him the Snickers, and now he won't be killed like the rest of the fucking block because of that little uh uh uh what's that called? That little act of kindness. Right. That's I actually, you know what, buddy? I fuck I would love, dude. I need to follow this guy on fucking Reddit. I need to go back and find it, and I I he needs to be my go-to for the this fucking segment, dude.
SPEAKER_01I almost want to make another Reddit account that is dedicated to just going and finding stories like this that like could be okay. Right. And my whole I just comment and my whole comment is just rewriting the entire story in a way that makes it from okay to like okay, decent, decent story. Because like we could make this better, we could fill in the gaps that he's missing. Absolutely. Obviously, we would fix all the grammar and and you know, we can sit here and poke fun at his you know third grade education level as far as grammar and spelling and word structure. But there's a way you could make this story good.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_01The Snickers thing is a little bit of a gay plot device, in my opinion.
SPEAKER_03No, no, but I got what he was going for. That's that's what I appreciate more than the actual thing itself, you know.
SPEAKER_01Well, like to make the ending good, it could be like you know, you first of all, you need to explain what this thing is that's killing people. Definitely way up. And then drops the Snickers.
SPEAKER_03Because like you need to raise the thinks it's going to kill him raise the stakes.
SPEAKER_01Like you're right up to the pentultimate thing, the the climax of the story. Your roommate has been in in gruesome detail, explain like he's eviscerated, you know? Like toilet wine has been made out of his fucking spleen at this point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it turns to me, and in sheer I'm in sheer terror. I'm so fucking scared, I'm about to be completely fucking gutted from from stem to stern. It reaches out, it grabs my shirt, it pulls me in close, and it fucking what if it just had the the Snickers wrapper open and it sticks the end of the Snickers in his mouth like feeding him and then evaporates into the fucking ceiling. Wow. That'd be sick.
SPEAKER_03You know? The problem is, well, and then you also need to explore a little bit of the aftermath, just a little bit, and get to a place of resolve in that like paragraph, that final paragraph, because you need the like, wait a minute, now they're gonna think I killed all these people.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that that's like that's a good there's a lot of you know, meat on this boat, a lot of tributaries off of this river that this dude has created. Right, because you could, you know, he uh the thing evaporates into the ceiling. I step out into the to the hell the hallway of the house that I'm in because there's doorknobs.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, there's doorknobs and chairs. Why would there be a chair, dude? A chair is the most easily destructible piece of furniture that you could make a fucking giant stake out of the leg.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, there's stab a guard, dude. A hundred thousand reasons why a chair makes no sense in prison, but it should be like a fixed bench or something, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_03Like that makes way more sense. They have those in jails. Yeah, or he should sit down on his bed.
SPEAKER_04They both have beds in the fucking room. That's true. Why wouldn't why why complicate it with the chair?
SPEAKER_01Well, yeah, another tributary, he he steps out into the thing and everybody's dead. He's the only survivor, and now he's gotta figure out like they're gonna think I did this, like you said, or like he's gotta figure out what what do I do now? He stabs himself. Maybe in his fresh stab wound. Why would he do that?
SPEAKER_03I don't know, because it's already open.
unknownBut why?
SPEAKER_03Okay, sorry, this guy infected my brain, I think a little bit, but uh why would he do that?
SPEAKER_01That's crazy. That's a crazy thing to say.
SPEAKER_00I don't know, maybe well no, he just said he just like uh no no no to try to look like here's what it is last second, you see it's proof because there's a knife in me.
SPEAKER_03Last second, what he does is he rips off the bandage. It's like you you mentioned that it's a different shift now, it's different guards, yeah, right? You mentioned that earlier, so then it it can be explained later that that it's different guards. They didn't know he got stabbed earlier in the day. Okay, so then he rips off the bandage, right? Third shift shows up and he he grabs some like maybe he smears blood from the fucking you know, the like bodies onto his side so that it looks like a fresh wound.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I'd be a little afraid of hepatitis.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_01But and you could mention that you could be like in you know I found my roommate who doesn't have hepatitis. I know because he told me, and I trust him, and he's cute.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. I I don't have hepatitis, and I'm the only one fucking him in the ass.
SPEAKER_01I was gonna say, Yeah, I know because he fucked me.
SPEAKER_03He better not be fucking anyone else's. He better not have anybody else's dick at him.
SPEAKER_01I've been to the medical enough to know that free.
SPEAKER_03I paid so many cigarettes for this motherfucker. He better not be fucking chopping this ass out to anybody.
SPEAKER_01Sheesh Luish, dude. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's not the worst thing in the world, but but man.
SPEAKER_03I love I like that. Here's the thing. The story was such dog shit that the one out of ten ending felt like a six. Right. Because the rest of it was so bad. The fact that it came to some semblance of an ending that made any sense at all. I'm so proud of this guy. I I it has to be a guy. There's no way a chick wrote this story, right? Surely, yeah. It's it's 99% most likely a guy. Buddy. Maybe writing isn't your calling. There's so much but there's so much we could teach this guy about the world. Yeah, like chairs don't go in prison cells.
SPEAKER_01Stabbings don't happen. It's called a shanking. Yeah. You're in prison. There's shivs. You need to say that word at least so that it's understood. You need to live with a knife. Make us live in this world and breathe the air of this D block. Right. You know?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, the story was a rather a relatively short one. Um I almost said rather, but it was a relatively short one. Uh, and that's why I picked it. That that was my first thing. I scrolled down and then I started to read. I saw hello, and I was like, oh, this is it, dog. Yeah. So you notice at the very beginning of the story, he addresses you as this as like, I'm the storyteller, I'm gonna tell you the story. You, the reader. He never does that again. He never goes back to the second uh tense.
SPEAKER_01Now that you bring that up, he does go like here's the story of the hanging man. But also, like, we don't get any information about that other than like how is he hanging?
SPEAKER_03What's he hanging from?
SPEAKER_01Like my roommate looked at the door and then looked back to me and said, There's a I don't know, there's like a guy hanging or something, and then he's killing people.
SPEAKER_03Why why is why is he hanging? What's the hanging? Yeah, that has nothing to do. What was he doing in the infirmary? Do we remember? He was sitting on the bed, right? Staring at the wall.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and then he was laying on the floor, and then he threw a Snickers on the floor, and then made him lived.
SPEAKER_03But that's not that there's no hanging in there, dude. If you need to have him like, he needs to be scratching a hangman into the wall or some shit to to like give us some little foreshadow of the hanging for the hanging to be impactful at all.
SPEAKER_01Like, yeah, he could he could be Jim Carrey in the the number 23 where he's losing his fucking mind and he's like, I gotta I gotta hang myself to get this fucking human out of me or something.
SPEAKER_03He could talk about it or something, just something, dude. Like, what the fuck? Where'd the hanging come from? It's almost like he had that idea and he was gonna do that, but when he sat and wrote the story, he fucking forgot.
SPEAKER_01What if the guy was like, hey man, you got any rope? You got any shoelaces? Oh, he's like, No, can I have your shoelaces? No, all I got is the Snickers.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and he gives him the he's like, okay, and he takes the Snickers and he eats it in front of him, and then you know Well then he can't give it back. Well, it gives him the wrapper. He drops the wrapper so as to let you know that's why you didn't kill him. Yeah, that works. You know what I mean? Yeah. It would do the same thing, basically.
SPEAKER_01Well, the Snickers would then have to be something else. What if Oh, you're right, like some something to help him kill himself.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. You showed me my. You're right, you're right. Good call, dude. We could write this. We need to write our own. We could write this better. We need to write our own story. I know, man. I'm glad we're recording this.
SPEAKER_01We could write a good story. Like, we're not recording a podcast. By the way, we've done this. We've we have an episode where we went on our own and wrote good stories to show you guys that it's possible. Whatever. I have one. We should have posted those, by the way. Yeah, we should still do that, probably. We can. Nothing's stopping.
SPEAKER_03We need to rewrite this one and post it as well.
SPEAKER_01That's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_03I need to write, I mean that's our get rich quick scheme, dude. We need to write some dope ass stories, do audiobooks of them.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, people pay for stories these days.
SPEAKER_03Well, we need to do audiobooks of them, sell them on Audible. There you go.
SPEAKER_01There you go.
SPEAKER_03Just get on a podcast, another one, not ours, but another another one that people listen to, you know? Get on get on that. And then we're we're in like Flynn, dude. Yeah. Actually, we shouldn't say that anymore. The most recent Flynn, I don't know what the original Flynn was, but the most recent cultural figure named Flynn was from Breaking Bad, and he didn't get in anything very fast at all or very smoothly at all. I'm gonna read my story now. That wasn't that bad, dude. I love making a breaking bad laugh whenever I can.
SPEAKER_01It was just such a goddamn side mission.
SPEAKER_03It was two minutes to get to uh handy colours.
SPEAKER_01Glenn from Baking Bad. Yep. Okay, sorry. He was crippled and fucking annoying. It's the worst character written in fucking modern goddamn television.
SPEAKER_03But sure.
SPEAKER_01My story this week is titled The Singing Little Girl.
SPEAKER_05Oh.
SPEAKER_01My name is Michael, and I can't really tell you my story without freaking the fuck out and lose it. See, I'm not a pussy. I'm a grown man. But this made me feel like a little girl, and it goes like this.
SPEAKER_04We I'm glad we How do we pick the same type of story? The same author.
SPEAKER_01It's gotta be. It's gotta be the same author. This made me feel like a little girl, and it goes like this is such a funny way to start a story. Oh my god, dude.
SPEAKER_02It's a little ditty that I I'm not a pussy, I'm a grown man is so funny.
SPEAKER_01In my childhood, I wasn't a very popular boy. In fact, I was the loneliest kid in school. I had only one friend, James. James was the only one that understood me. See, I lost my father when I was four years old. I didn't really knew him. But ground up without a father always killed me inside. So I wasn't a very friendly kid.
SPEAKER_03This is someone who had a father, by the way.
SPEAKER_01Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_03Do not describe it that way.
SPEAKER_01Oh yeah. It killed me inside.
SPEAKER_03It does not no one who didn't have a father describes it that way. Like you don't describe it that way. It didn't kill you inside.
SPEAKER_01So indifferent.
SPEAKER_03Right. It doesn't, it's not like that. Because I don't know what it was like in the first place. Anyone I've known who didn't have a father has not described it in that way. That's how I would describe it, dude. Because I got my dad's dude.
SPEAKER_01It would kill because you have the context of having one. Exactly. And you're like, man, if I didn't, that would suck.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Oh man. Okay. God damn, I'm sorry. I wasn't a very friendly kid at all. The only one that I've ever talked to was James. I don't know if he just felt bad for me, but honestly, I didn't care. I was just happy to have a friend. There, by the way, five dot dot dots already. He is a dot dot dot lover.
SPEAKER_03He did the same thing with the unfriendly thing. He's a friendly person. So he just assumes unfriendly people would describe it this way. Right. Fair enough. Or he sees himself as one thing.
SPEAKER_01Probably. He probably is. I was just happy to have a friend. Dot dot dot. I'm gonna I'm gonna start v vocalizing all the dot dot dots because I can see there's a lot of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um at all. The one that I've the only one I ever talked to is James. I don't care if he just felt bad for me. I don't know if he just goddammit. Honestly, I don't care, he's just happy to have a friend. Dot dot dot. Every Monday after school, we would go to the tree house that we once found in the forest. That was so fun. Dot dot dot. It was just so quiet and lawnly. Just like me. At the beginning of ninth grade, everything went great. I kept talking with James and got a 100 in math exclamation point.
SPEAKER_04No, you didn't.
SPEAKER_01No, you didn't. Everything went smooth until Dash until the 12th of September. All caps, oh this fucking day. The day I'll never forget. Dot dot dot. Never forget. I woke up with a great mood, brushed my teeth, and went downstairs to greet my mom with a good morning. But when I saw her face, I knew something was wrong. Sweetheart, she said. What's wrong? Question mark, question mark, question mark. Quote quote, look, I'm sorry, but James. James is missing. Dot dot dot. I'm sorry. She huged me.
SPEAKER_02He huged me.
SPEAKER_01Dialogue is not this guy's strong point. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_04Why would she say it like that?
SPEAKER_01She put he put quote space, what's wrong? Question mark, question mark, quote space, quote space, look. I'm sorry, but James. James is missing. Dot dot dot. I'm sorry, she huged me.
unknownOh fuck.
SPEAKER_01And it felt like the world has crushed. And another close one to me, dot dot dot, is gone. I didn't went to school for a week. All I thought about is James. But I still had a little faith in me that said he is still alive. But where can he be? We live in a small town. So he can't be far. I had so many questions and my mind was full with thog dus thoged dot dot dot. So I thought I had to calm down, so I went to sleep, dot dot dot, and all of a sudden I woke up and that's all one word, up and heard the most beautiful noise ever. No, it's beatiful. He forgot the U. Beat Beatiful noise ever. It was a song, and the singer was so good that it was too good to be true. And the song? The song was the most creepy song ever. And it was something like this. One, two, three, just dance with me. One two three stop hanging on tree. One two three, just dance with me. One two three, don't be afraid. I'll come to you like I came to your friend. All caps. Then I fell back asleep. In my dream, I remember I saw a beatiful little girl singing and staring at me. It well it dot dot it dot dot dot. It was scary. Dot dot dot.
SPEAKER_04Dude. Is this a work, dude?
SPEAKER_01What do you I did?
SPEAKER_04Is this a fucking work? This is too this is worse than mine.
SPEAKER_01I just found it. This is so bad. In the morning, I was terrified. WTF was that! Was all in me head. No, was it all in me head? I'm going insane. Dot dot dot. I have to find him. I know he is alive. I don't know why I felt that, but maybe because I missed him? So when my mom went to work, I knew exactly what I will do. I took my bottle of water, a hat, my running shoes, and dot dot dot, all caps, a knife. Quote, just for safety, unquote.
SPEAKER_04What the fuck? Dude, he said my bottle of water.
SPEAKER_03Like you would say my bike. It's a bottle of w I guess you could have a fucking canteen or something, but god damn, dude.
SPEAKER_01Just for safety.
SPEAKER_03You need to say that, I guess. Oh my god. That's so bad. All of it. Just the whole sentence, the whole story. He had like a he had like a stint of like three paragraphs. Wh I didn't feel like I needed to laugh. Right. Yeah. And then it was right back off to the races, dude.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I said to myself, and there was only one place I thought about going to. The tree house. So I went to my way. As I walked, I couldn't get the damn song out of my head. What does that mean? Hanging on tree? Those words creeped me out, but I kept walking. Poor James. Well there it is, I said to the air. As I started walking through the trees to the song in my head was getting louder and louder. And after about 15 minutes of walking, the song was getting so loud. I couldn't fucking stand it. I started hitting the tree that was close to me. I hit it so hard blood came out. I started screaming out loud, stop it! Please stop the fucking song, please. And then all I could hear was nothing. Am I losing it? I kept going and finally made it to the tree house. He has to be there. Dot dot dot. Right. I missed a few dot dot dots, but it's fine. Right. I lost my place. I'm losing it. Find the tree house over there. Right. Okay. I kept talking to myself. I started climbing on the ladder, and when I finally made it to the door, I took a deep breath and opened. And what I saw, dot dot dot.
unknownOh.
SPEAKER_01That will be me with that will be with me for my whole life. I I saw the name James written in blood at the wall. And a line right on it. But the worst yet to come, right near me, it name man. What the fuck?
SPEAKER_04Dude. Wait, what what wall?
SPEAKER_01It's a tree house.
SPEAKER_03Oh, the tree house. Okay, okay. I I didn't pick up tree house.
SPEAKER_01I gotta I gotta I gotta blink a few times and read this to try to understand what it says. I saw the name James written in blood at the wall and a line right on it, but the worst yet to come, right near it at name Michael. I was in shock, but then. Fuck me, bro. That's a really, really important part of the story that you should maybe reread and rewrite about four times.
SPEAKER_03At le forty is what I'm thinking.
SPEAKER_01Because it should say, I saw the name James written in blood on the wall, and a line I d I don't get the line. A line right on it? What does that mean? A line through it. A line crossed through his name, but the worst yet to come, right near the name James was my name. Michael. I was in shock. Okay? That's how it should have said fucking shit.
SPEAKER_03Even that sucks. But it's you know what I mean? It's just a straightforward telling that it's actually correct.
SPEAKER_01Somebody fucking killed your friend and crossed his name out, and right next to it's your name, so you're next. Fuck. God damn it.
SPEAKER_03And she's about to get you, I'm assuming.
SPEAKER_01I was in shock, but then one, two, three, wanna die with me? One, two, three, wanna kill with me? One, two, three, don't be afraid. I might throw up. Daddy's here with you again. I started crying. Okay. How? How can that stupid fucking thing could know after around 20 minutes of me trying to relax? I'm starting to search for James. I was searching everywhere. Every drawer, every locker, fucking A, bro. You're looking in drawers. Okay. In a in a tree house. Uh-huh. Mm-mm. This is a fucking this is the Bellagio of tree houses. Um, goddammit, every locker. But he wasn't there. I lost hope. I looked at the stupid wall. Shit! It's gone. The wall was clean. It can't be. I'm losing it. I'm fucking insane. Then the song started to play in my head, but this time I was laughing. I left the treehouse, but then I saw her staring at me. She was so beautiful, almost unreal. She started to sing, of course. And I started ruining. I ran so fast. But when I looked back behind, I saw her not moving, just staring at me, singing. There are 40,000 fucking commas in everything I just read. Singing! Fuck it! He is fucking dead! And I don't want to be next. I'm sorry, James. I keppy running with tires in my eyes and didn't stop. I just wanted to not it's T yeah, he wrote T Y R E S tires. Oh my god. I K K-E-P-Y. Tears. So you would think running with tires in my eyes and didn't stop. I just wanted to not see this thing ever. Again, ever. I made it home and called the cops, but of course they couldn't find anything. But I didn't care. I was just glad I was alive. This happened 12 years ago, and I could lie and say that I still hear the damn song or weird filing feelings. But no, it's like nothing has happened. I moved a city and I'm still trying to leave it behind. I don't even I'm just like it's so distractingly bad that I can't find the thing.
SPEAKER_03I wonder if it's a work. Like I'm still thinking it's a work because like that or we are uh making fun of a retard.
SPEAKER_01I mean, I'm uh I mean i it almost has to be What the fuck does his dad have to do with any of the story, by the way? There's so much, I mean, I I can't latch on to anything, but the daddy part fucked with me because I don't like when people say daddy ever. Yeah, I know, yeah. It creeps me out, it's weird.
SPEAKER_00But he's not a little kid.
SPEAKER_01His friend got murdered by a little girl that sings a one, two, three, hang with me song that doesn't have any goddamn fucking thing to do with anything. His dad, by the way, just randomly peppered in like a fucking shot to the cunt. I'm so confused. A singing little girl killed his dad, maybe, and his friend, and now he's next, but he survived somehow. And moved city. So now it's all good. By the way. I wish I could tell you that I still hear the song, but nope, uh, everything's fine. So it's not scary at all. Sorry.
SPEAKER_03Cool. Sorry. It's either a developmentally disabled person, which is what I meant to say earlier. Uh it's either that or it's that wrote this story, and they just like horror stories, what they can understand from them because they clearly have a problem reading and writing.
SPEAKER_02If your dad was killed by a little girl and all you heard was a song. If she said one, two, three, hang with me.
SPEAKER_03I couldn't even follow the story. It's so hard to it was really hard to find. I thought the dad here's what I thought, and this might be cooler. I thought they were trying to say, like, daddy is the fucking killer, is the monster, and all kids without a dad, like like this monster's coming after kids without a dad. Maybe. And he's like using that against them, you know. Well, he maybe he's just toying with them, saying, like, this like entity is like daddy's here because you didn't have a dad, so he's fucking with you, I guess. Maybe. But my brain went to he's all kids without a dad.
SPEAKER_02Man, I wish my dad would have.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. My I this guy is rubbing off on me too because my brain went to the fucking concept being real, but really it should be that's the like subtext. And he's like, Daddy's here, and or she, I guess.
SPEAKER_01It's a girl, it's a baby, it's a little girl. It doesn't make any fucking sense at all, man. Didn't she say daddy's here with you? Or dad, what did it say? I guess. I think I think the implication is that there's this little demon girl that just kills all this all the dudes in this guy's life. He's like, dudes are cool. Girls suck and they kill us.
SPEAKER_03How long ago did the dad die? He never had him when he was four. Oh, four, okay. Yeah. So four to now he's what, twelve, he said? Something like that. Fifteen, I think, maybe. That's eight to eleven years. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01That's a long time this demon waited. Waited till you hit puberty and was like, now your balls work, so I'm gonna kill you and your friend.
SPEAKER_03What the fuck's up with that?
SPEAKER_01But first I'm gonna kill your dad, and then I'm gonna kill your friend, and then I'm gonna try to kill you, but you escaped. You moved to a different city, now you're safe.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01The fuck, man.
SPEAKER_03It must be, it must just be going from family to family and killing.
SPEAKER_01Nah, dude, this one's too disjointed. The other one we could have made better. This one is just it's just they took some idea, a couple of ethereal little nuggets of ideas from other stories and just made a fucked up garbage story. Yeah. Dog shit.
SPEAKER_03How do we end up getting the like stories with a lot of shared elements?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's interesting.
SPEAKER_03Like the last few times we've talked.
SPEAKER_01It's crazy. It's funny too that like everybody who sucks at writing shares the same terrible fucking grammar syntax.
SPEAKER_03Well, and the uh they dot dot they grasp at like the low-hanging fruit of horror tropes. Right. So then they like hanging, you know? Uh-huh. That's one of the super common. But it could have been a werewolf story, it could have been a thousand different things. And they were both they both dealt with a an entity that killed people uh that used hanging, yeah, that used hanging as a thing, like as a motif.
SPEAKER_01I had another story I was gonna do that uh I want to see real quick if it had anything to do with hanging. I saw the devil and he was a friend. Yeah. This one's fairly short. I mean how short? I could just read the whole thing and we could not pause at all. Sure. The journey started with m me, a woman, and a man. The man was uh someone I knew, but I really had a friend. The three of us were looking at for something, but not the same thing. The man, where we were going, he was leading us. He arrived at a forest during the day. It was bright, beautiful, and full of animals in a Disney like place. Down a hill there was a rustic house. It was the devil's house. Fucking hey, bro. Fucking hey! It was the devil's house. What? When he opened the door, he looked like a satyr. His skin looked burned or carbonized, and he was naked. The house looked like a forest cabin with big windows facing outside, and it was filled with masks and objects that seemed related to the occult. He really stood out to me. He was a satyr, you idiot. He really stood out to me that he didn't show any of the typical sins people associate with demons. There was no lust, his member was always down. His member was always down. Wow. There was no pride either. He wasn't arrogant at all. He wasn't angry. In fact, he was very calm, and there was no gluttony either. He was very thin. He welcomed us into the house and spoke to us almost like an old friend. The first person to make a request was the woman. The satyr grabbed a butcher's knife, and I immediately felt a lot of fear. The man who brought us there also seemed uneasy, but the woman had her back turned and didn't notice the demon approaching with the knife until he made a cut in her arm. She screamed and started crying. Then he held her from behind, slowly lowered himself, grabbing her right foot and cut off the little toe of her left foot. She curled up on the floor in the fetal position, crying. Then he walked over to the other man. He took his hand and placed the blade against his little finger in the same way, but he didn't cut it. Instead, he smiled and gave him an object that he stored in a box. When he came to me, I was terrified because he was holding the knife, but instead of hurting me, he simply took my hand and gave me an object. Something that I felt was meant to help me move forward. Then he went into his study and started forging something else. He told me it would help me continue, but that I would need to learn how to use it. I believe it was a red sword. It's almost over. You believe it was or was it? Dude, it's almost over. I don't know how, but it is. He said we were free to leave, but the woman was still on the floor crying. The other man left. And before I left, I thanked him for his help. I was the only one who did. What also seemed strange to me was that I heard my thoughts during that moment, something that never happens in my dreams. Then I woke up with a very heavy feeling. I started thinking about the dream, looked at my phone for a while, and then I decided to cover my face with the blanket. At that moment I heard a growl and suddenly felt something someone get on top of me, face to face. It felt like a sleep paralysis. The strangest part is that I felt its mouth close to mine and I kissed them under the blanket. I kissed them under the blanket. As if to show I wasn't afraid and that I was accepting its help. I took a breath and immediately I was able to move immediately. I wasn't I wasn't it wasn't gradual. Like other times I experienced sleep paralysis. That really confused me. What really confused me is that I was already awake when it happened. What do you guys think? My main language isn't English, so sorry if something isn't very clear. That was fucking weird. What the fuck?
SPEAKER_03I believe it was a red sword.
SPEAKER_01I'll never not read shit like that, though. Like, because I could tell this was like fucking very dumb. It's just very cringe and dumb. I believe it was a red sword.
SPEAKER_03His member was always down.
SPEAKER_01His member was always down. He was very thin, so gluttony was obviously not a thing. What the hell, dude? I'm glad that I went with the other one and not that one. Because that one was fucking dumb.
SPEAKER_03Only like two minutes long. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I read it as quick as I could. Yeah, yeah, but given the context.
SPEAKER_03It was quite a bit shorter than either either of ours.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I went to I went to the house.
SPEAKER_02It was the devil's.
SPEAKER_03He just knew.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, just I could tell it was the devil's. He walked out and he was a cider, and it was confusing why he was weird.
SPEAKER_01Well, you know? Hey man. Spragy spooks. Yeah. What a what a snag man.
SPEAKER_03God damn. Uh yeah, fuck.
SPEAKER_01Oh boy.
SPEAKER_03That's that's great. We gotta, we gotta always do dumb stories, like dumb people writing them.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah, those are the best. When a story is like well written but just shitty, it's always just like, man, come on. You could've you almost it's just like it's like eating toast with no fucking anything on it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I don't want to read art. It's just eating, eating white bread. I don't want to read like actual art that I appreciate because I'm you know I'm not gonna be at quite as good at making fun of it. If I actually like it, I'm gonna be into it, like reading passionately.
SPEAKER_01We are the for the segment, we really only just read bad shit. Right, yeah. But if it's bad because it's like well written but goes nowhere, that's what I'm saying. It's like eating a piece of bread.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Uh whereas like we're fucking licking our lips and chops on this shit.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, no, that's fucking awesome. Both of these stories are perfect. And fucking I, you know, found it right before we started.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Me too. I can't believe it. I found it uh right before you got here. I just I read like the first couple sentences and I was like, oh, this is dog shit, hell yeah. Yeah. Sword by controversial is a fucking that's a hack right there, dude. How is how does that even work? What does controversial mean? It means that a lot of people downvoted it. Uh I think it sucks.
SPEAKER_03Okay, I see, I see. I see. So the total number of votes.
SPEAKER_01Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it, I got it, I got it. Yeah, it's the the other retards upvoted it. Yeah, I got it. Yeah. And then the people that are like, what the fuck is that? Downvoted it appropriately. Um but yeah, man. I love this segment. Fuck yeah. I really do. Me too. I laugh so hard at the fucking absurdity. Because you know, you and I have been doing this forever, and uh, you know, every week, at least a few times, you hit me with a joke that catches me off guard, and it's pretty funny. But the the level of catching off guard in these stories is so much because I have no idea what to expect. And then they hit me with some shit that's like, and then I pull the Snickers out of my packet, and I'm like, fucking eh. Or what was the thing about he's like, he got attacked by a crazy or a Jerome? Yeah, yeah. Like, what the fuck?
SPEAKER_03Crazy Head or Jamal.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, crazy head or Jamal. It's so crazy.
SPEAKER_03Crazy head or Jamal. That's the the episode title.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, man. That's good.
SPEAKER_03Crazy head or Jamal.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. What the hell does that even mean? I mean, I know what it means, but fuck.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. That's that's so fucking Jamal.
SPEAKER_01That's such a it feels such a racist thing to do. It feels like something we would say sarcastically, right?
SPEAKER_03Like I said retard earlier, by the way. That was sarcastic. That was sarcastic. You meant it. No, you meant. I expected you to snicker that I was saying it, so I twitched bluntly.
SPEAKER_01Anyway.
unknownGod damn it.
SPEAKER_01You want to hear more of Jake Coughing? Go to patreon.com slash firemikefarmouth.com. Click the Patreon. Give us a couple of bucks. We've never needed it more. By we, I mean me. Please, God help me. I'm drowning. Oh, we don't we still don't have the fucking uh No. Wait, I thought we did though. I thought I put one of them on here. Did you find it? Did you find one?
SPEAKER_03It's in the it's in that one. Yeah, it's gotta be. Oh, yeah. We have three of them. Right.
SPEAKER_01I just didn't I need to make them different colors. Yeah. Uh go to Patreon.com.
SPEAKER_03Sign up for a Patreon to find out how we gave your mom. It's just two queers. Posting across three tiers. Yeah. One five or ten US bucks to hear us say worse than fuck N word. So give us your money.
SPEAKER_01Itch.
SPEAKER_03Sometimes we're funny. Bitch. Over on Patreon. See, we need to update. We're about so much more than that now. We are. Sometimes you'll hear us cry.